Skip to main content

Full text of "Punch"

See other formats


v> i 


>> , 

> i> ,^ 

, , _JB ' ^ 


. > 

/ ,v 

- > 

> >: 

>* m 


> > 

>* > , 

> > > 

) .> > 

1 _ 


', .t\%\ 

> >3 




Presented to the 
LIBRARY of the 








JULY 7, 1877.] 



T)EHEMOTII or Bogey? Awful Apparition or Sorry Show ? Colossus of Roads nnd Realms, Over-stepper of Deserts, Ov<r- 
JD strider of Mountain*, Floorer and Framer of Faiths, Extinguisher of Nationalities, Absorber of Empires, Disposer 
of Manifest Destinies, Defier of Magnificent Distances ; or Immensest of Impostures, Darkest yet Dullest of Diplomatic 
Deceptions, Shallowest of Shams, Biggest of Bubbles, most Barefaced of Bankrupts, Gelatinous of Giants, and Weak-kneed 
of Warriors ? The most far-seeing and far-reaching Power that ever pursued a settled purpose of Universal Dominion 
through centuries of shifting circumstances ; or the most monstrous mushroom-growth of empire that ever struck root in 
corruption, to swell to deceptive dimensions, and thence dwindle into swift decay ? Thou canst not bo both. Art thou 
either or neither ? 

Has PUKCH, with Russia in Bulgaria and at Erzeroum, a right to eit smoking the cigar of composure on the 
stone-wall of insular impassibility, or ought he to be doing penanco in his own sheets for his mockery of more penetrating 
piercers into the Millstones between which are ground out the Destinies of Nations in the mighty World-Mill ? 

Such was the question which, after much distracting study of London's many-minded newspaper organs summer sun 
and iced cups and nerve-soothing Nicotian aiding PUNCH pondered under the shade of his own laurels. 

Suddenly there seemed to stand by him a shadow yet not a shadow, but a very solid substance a Presence as of a 
brother-Briton, but with a more settled purpose in his face, and a more searching sharpness in his eye, than belongs 
to mere mortal. And the Presence stretched out its hand so that the shadow fell across PUNCH'S brow, and straight 
it was as if he had passed suddenly from the fierce heat and ghastly glare of the Black Country of Political Polemics, all 
lit up with blazing questions, into a cool region of sweet airs, and cooling waters, whereof it was revealed to him, he knew 
not how, that the Presence was the Presiding Power. 

" This is an age of Examinations," said the Presence, " though as yet I have not admitted them into my 
system, unless when, like MB. COOK'S Tours, they can be ' personally conducted,' that is, put under the guidance and 
correction of Common Sense, your humble Servant " 

" My ever loyally acknowledged, and to the best of my ability faithfully served, Master," cried PUNCH, prostrating 

" I rule," replied the Presence, " as far as I yet do rule in England, in the person of my valued ward, QUEEN VICTORIA. 
We have just celebrated the Fortieth Anniversary of her reign. Let us drink her health and long life in a cup suiting alike 
the time and the toast cool as her head, clear as her understanding, strong as her sense, and bland as her temper. They 
that are loyal to her, are loyal to me. But, methinks, I have rarely seen that loyalty put to greater strain than of late." 

" Your Majesty surprises me," observed PUNCH, respectfully. " The present claims to be eminently the age of Common 

" Ritualism and Home-Rule, Spiritualism and Foreign-Loan-Financing, Continental Levies and Papal Infallibility, 
China-Mania and Oxford Esthetics, Brotherhood of the Holy Cross and Russophobia to the contrary notwithstanding?" 



[JULY 7, 1877. 

sardonically interposed Common Sense. " I began by saying we live in an age of Examinations. I propose to examine you. 
What make* the Strength of Nations ? " 

" National Health and National Wealth." 

" Enumerate the leading symptoms of National Health." 

" Diffused Education, wide-spread Comfort, a well-balanced Political Constitution, Reverence for Homo, Loyalty to 
Notional Institutions, Sobriety, Respect for Truth and Fair Dealing between man and man." 

" Which of these do you find in Russia ? " 

" Not one. I find, instead, an almost utter want of Education ; a thin varnish of Luxury, but no Comfort; a Despotic 
Government ; Communism in the villages. Affiliation to destructive Secret-Societies in the towns ; Drunkenness and 
Falsehood generally prevalent ; Dishonesty in private dealings, and Corruption in public offices." 

" What are the chief conditions of National Wealth ? " 

" Widely-diffused and intelligent Industry, and labouring Arms at command, with accumulated Capital and sound 
Credit to set them to work ; a fertile Soil ; Commerce ; Manufactures ; abundant Raw Material ; and Free Trade to turn all 
these to the best account." 

"Which of these do you find in Russia?" 

" Not one. I find, instead, a poor, pining, and protected industry ; labour scarce, ill-trained, uncnergetic and largely 
reduced by the constant drain for military service ; little accumulated capital, heavy indebtedness and exhausted credit; a soil 
barren over by far the larger part of its enormous extent, and where it is productive, with the trade in its raw material 
exposed to an overpowering foreign competition before which it dwindles yearly ; next to no healthy commerce or manu- 
factures, and a rigidly protective system." 

" What makes a nation formidable to its neighbours ? " 

"Aggressive intentions, backed by effective force." 

" Do you find these united in the case of Russia ? " 

" No. Admitting the intentions, I fail to find the force that should bo formidable to a really formidable opponent ? " 

" How, then, do you account for her conquests round the shores of the Black Sea, about the ridges of the Caucasus, 
and in Central Asia beyond the Caspian to the borders of Afghanistan and the confides of Chinese Tartary ? " 

" Because in these cases she was dealing with barbarians weaker than herself." 

" Do you not fear what Russia can do to endanger our rule in India ? " 

" No ; for I think our basis of defence about the strongest, her basis of attack about the weakest, in the world. If a 
thousand miles of waterless desfrts and impassable mountains, and more than that distance between even the border of 
these and the sources from which all Russia's supplies must be drawn, and that by a nation whose European credit, as I am 
assured by those who are loudest in their fear of her, is exhausted, and whose internal system is honeycombed by the secret 
workings of discontent and disloyalty, be not sufficient defence of a power rooted as England is in India, with her communi- 
cations secured by her command of the sea, her soldiers and sailors well trained, well officered, and animated by the high 
courage of our race, and the wealth and credit of Great Britain's vast empire and world-wide commerce at their back, then 
facts and fancies are one, and PUNCH has read History in vain." 

" And, worse still, has studied in my schools and worked in my service to no purpose ! " exclaimed Common Sense, as, 
with a sudden explosion of impatience, he shut down with a snap the Russian Old Bogey into his Box, while TOBY rested in 
peace under the shadow of 

And BBTTANKIA was calm, knowing that, if TOBY slumbered, she might sleep secure. 

emt*r U. ! M 



L**t*rd. ||WT[pUt 4.1806 1 


n d. 

I u Cli 1 >>hd. 


Monthly Memoranda by a Modern Momui. 

' One Kcaaounc for hawke and anothere for hounde, 
liut foole hunting's a Sporte duirth all ye jeare rouudc." 


JANUARY ! Month melancholy, 
Save to connoisseur in folly ! 
He finds food for gay reflection. 
" Happy New Tear ? " Ha ! Ha ! Affection 
Truly cuts most comic capers. 
Happy indeed ! Just watch the papers. 
Were all happy P I, for one, 
Could not be. There'd be no fun. 
Fools won't fail though. Send tne cards 
Decked by daubers, rhymed by bards ! 
Grin and bum them. World won't vary. 
Geese abound in January. 

1 Tl. E. C-k.h. 

i M 

'Him d 23 


SliJ R,.d. 

IV S r ;>i im>' 

a 'Tn RoToUfi-8 1\ 

1' s |x.41i5ln< 

4 W A.< YVI. SS 

S 2 S i" I."l 

< S *-* .*". 

11. 1.- r,. .'.. M 1 . M .(!, 

6 M .((:. m,i. 


B'k i. *; T,. E.rlvnd. 

6 T Cb *. 11. <1 




J. Ttnni*! 

; w o.if s. MI 

!i S 

1 S ,n l..m 

B Hi H(.-0, Dm 


Copcrnic. !. 

>K D.riV m 

:r> T, 
11 W 

.1. d 

11 S Uiq."s. 

-'.' Tl 

('tr <u .a n a| February. 



WHY docs Papa look so angry when he opens hit 
letters P 

Why does he say that Mamma must retrench ? 
Why does he call the Milliner naughty names ? 
Why did he want to kill the Tax-collector ? 
Why does he abuse the Butcher ? 
Why does he call the Grocer a cheat ? 
Why does he scowl at Mamma's bonnet P 
Why won't he take me to see the Pantomime? 

jji "Beauty skin-deep ? An envious saw, shaped by some 
| dry old stick ! " 

Ogling himself, quoth PACHYDERM, a most conceited 

" The Sage was right," his friend replied ; " but then 

your skin 's so thick, 

That no one yet could ever see the beauty save 


CANDLEMAS will this year be celebrated by many 
Ritualist clergymen by burning candles in broad day- 
light. X.I!." Advanced Ritualist," a retrograde 
Parson a clerical Crab who goes backward. 


OU S:l1ts. 



Why do FLORIE and EFFIE say that the 14th is such 
a ridiculous day ? 

Why does FLORIE (who got such a lot of letters) say 
she likes old customs ? 

Why does EFFIB (who was forgotten by the postman) 
sav she think* Valentines rather vulgar ? 

"Why does Papa call young MR. CCRLYWIO " a 

Why does EFFIE agree with him ? 

Why does FLOBIE cry about it P 

Why does Mamma kiss her P 



FEBRUARY ! Fools again, 
Rampant, constant (like the rain). 
Rink, look guys, court thumps and lumps ! 
Football, ditto, bruises, bumps ! 
Sport P Aha ! Send purchased flummery, 
Crassest form of Cupids mummery ! 
Prig gets venomed Valentine, 
Phiz delicious to divine ! 
Postman swears, of Love he's sceptic. 
Muffs eat pancakes, get dyspeptic. 
Sport to view each fresh vagary, 
Lots of fun in February ! 

(for Student! and Examintri.) 

Q. De6ne the Earth. 

A. A round, impudent, unprincipled, body. 

Q. Why impudent ? 

A. Because it is a cool body travelling round the 
sun, which is about the coolest thing we ever heard 

Q. Why unprincipled ? 

A. Because it borrows what it cannot repay, and 
makes light of it. 

WHY should corn dealers prosper ? Whv, indeed ! 
Walk down Mark Lane and mark how all suck seed ! 


[December U.IM. 

(For Student! and Examin<r>.) 

Q. You say that " The attractive power of Bodies ia in pro- 
portion to the aaunmt of matter they contain." Explain this. 

A. Of course I iliiln't say anything; of the sort, still I shall 
be happy to afford you any information in my power. Evi- 
dently a well-informed c niversationalist is " company," and an 
attraction in himself, as is a good pianist, a first-rate songstress, 
and an agreeable, chatty, pretty woman. But the prettiest 
woman in the world los'es all power of attraction if slie has 
only her face to depend on. Khf may always (!</>< >i,f upon her 
face, but yon cannot be a! ways lia'iiyiiiy on her lips. A pin 
has a head, a lauHtlower has a heart, a calf has brains : and 
a pretty woman may have the head of a pin, the brains of a 
calf, and the heart of a cauliflower. Beware in time ' 

WHFN actors complain that all they require is "parts," they 
generally tell the exact truth. 




Why does EFFIE say she likes Lent ? 

Why does MR. RUBRIC, the curate, agree with her ? 

Why does EFFIE eat so much lunch, and so little 
linner ? 

Why does MR. RUBRIC only take fish at dinner ? 

Why does EFFIE go to church twice a day ? 

Why is EFFIE working a pair of slippers ? 

When will EFFIE pay me the sixpence she promised 
ne for not calling MR. RUBRIC " MR. REDNOSE ? " 

O'wif t v CM.L.T.* 

T-II<mrd d. 24 a OtL.T* 


>'*!* Bui. 

n,r,l. Sff M D. e.m b. 
D* K...I d. 117 Vii J-tat.I. d. 

.l.ltk i8 W b. 9 Th B. TO.IOB 
DWI 1.10 r (,."*! >rij. 
l N.wloa d 131 4 'I i. .,.).,!. 


" BIRDS of a feather flock together," 
Else would they freeze this wintry weather. 

" Charity begins at home ; " 

Why send blankets to Africa, bibles to Rome ? 

"Fast bind, fast find : " 

Unhappy nobleman, bear it in mind. 

" Kissing always goes by favour : " 

If it did not, who would like the flavour ? 

Sue a beggar, and catch a ***** " 
Holders of Turks, exhibit your nous. 

" Money makes the Mare to go : " 

And a Stockbroker's spouse is a lovely show. 

"Pound foolish and penny wise " 

Is the man who a millionaire miser dies, 

As his soul will know when it homeward flies. 

' When the Cat's away the Mice will plaj," 
Means Parliament out of Session, they say. 



MARCH ! Girls frights with cold red noses, 
Funnier sight than ditto roses ! 
Swells down gutters chasing " tiles," 
Sight that makes me wreathe with smiles. 
East wind up, and dust a-flying, 
Folks in streets seem all a-crying. 
Fun to read how bellicose Pats 
Celebrate St. Patrick. Flats ! 
Here's to Mara ! the pair with Cupid 
( Viz. : at making mortals stupid). 
Laugh till collar loses starch, 
At fool't pranks in blustering March. 


One Good Practical Joke. The dust-carts, overloaded, 
collecting dust, and adding to it at the same time, in 
the hottest part of the most sultry day in July. 

Another : The Water Carts. Turning the water on 
suddenlv at the corner of a street, and quite close to the 
kerb, where there are Ladies and Gentlemen waiting to 
cross. Real good fun this. 

Another and a better Joke. Maundering cabs, 
empty ; going at a walk. Driver sees somebody in the 
middle of a crossing, helpless, and urges on his steed 
with a flick of the whip, suddenly. Foot Passengers' 

The Best Practical Joke in London is, perhaps, the 
environs of Covent Garden Market at any time, but 
specially from Friday night till Saturday midday. Im- 
passable for cabs, and therefore generally chosen as a 
short cut to any railway station by a cabman who knows 
his fare is in a hurry. Covent Garden, however, is 
beyond a joke ; it is simply a disgrace to the Metropolis. 

APRIL ! Dedicate to Folly ; 

Apemanthus might be jolly. 

Cold ! Don't care for the thermometer, 

Favourite instrument Foolometer ! 

High this month. Sumphs think it Spring, 

Dress, and shake like anything. 

Buds all a-blowing, so bards sing 'em; 

Fancy Flora with a Gingham ! 

Girls 'look gay, fal-lals and flowers, 

Fun to see 'em caught in showers, 

Rain that forms adown one's nape rill, 

Type of fool's spring-fudge in April. 



Why do Mamma and the girls go to the Park ? 

Why does Papa say it is folly I" 

Why does FLORIE take me out ? 

Why does she send me to play by myself when we 
meet MR. CUHLYWIO ? 

Why does MR. CUKLYWIO give me a shilling not to 

Why is FLORIE always asking for letters at the post- 
oflice Y 

Why does EFFIE say such disagreeable tilings about 
MR. RUBRIC'S engagement f 

Why mayn't I smoke, like Papa P 


DlFFF.HEST people have different opinions : 
Some like ringlets and some like chignons. 

MEMORANDUM FOR MARCH. Biting North-easters. 
Walk not in the teeth of the wind. 

hot day and a cloudless sky all serene. Thunder and 
lightning, attended with a heavy shower of aerolites. 
An eruption of the long quiescent volcano, Primrose 
Hill. At the same time, a terrific cyclone, which un- 
roofs the Houses of Parliament, whilst the Monument 
is overturned, and St. Paul's swallowed by an earth- 
quake. Oysters (there being yet an " r " in the mouth) 
rise to a guinea apiece, and some fools buy them. 

before the sitting Magistrate, MESSRS. BLANKTON, 
Music Publishers, have up MESSRS. DASH FORD, other 
Music Publishers, on a charge of stealing a March. 


(Fur Stuihitti and Examiners.) 

Q. " Gravity decreases with distance." Explain. 

A. Quite true and just no. However stupendous an idiot 
a man may be, you rannut very well laugh at him to his face, 
specially it he be a remarkably mu-cular idiot. When he n 
gone, or when you have gone, or when his back in turned, 
then he i, as the French say, " pour rire" (which, according 
to KiiglUh soundings U a particularly h.ippy phrase as 
applied to laughing bcliind uny one's Mck), and when he 
is a hundred mile, ,.tr. \,,u can put off your gravity, whi.'h H 
an assumed habit, and go into perfect jits of laughter. Thu 
you see how " gravity decreases with distance." Uo away, 1 
want to laugh. 

THE Liberal party are sadly in want of a good cry. 
should have patronised Jo. 



JUNE ! Rose-mouth. The rose I scorn, 
Tickles me to trace the thorn. 
I, sub-rosd, scan society, 
Fools in ever fresh variety. 
Ruralizing now the go, 
Swells cry " jolly," find it " slow." 
Slow ! that acme of the horrid 
Swelldom's purgatory. Torrid 
Weather ! Row then I Duffers do so. 
Picnic, comfortless as Crusoe. 
Follv frisks to merry tune, 
In the jocund month of June. 



Why do Mamma and tho girls go to Court ? 

Why does Papa say it's perfectly disgraceful? 

Why does Mamma smii^lu the Dressmaker up the 
baek stairs ? 

Why do the girls iuvite all their friends to come and 
see them start ? 

Why do their friends call FLORIE and EFFIE 
" frights " when they think I am not listening ? 

Why dues KFF:E 'say that Papa ought to know that 
MR. CUHLYWIG would stand by the carriage in tin- 
Park ? 

Why does FI.ORIE ask after MRS. RUBRIC? 

Why does Mamma give me some sweeties not to 
say anything about the quarrel to Papa ? 


MAY ! A merry month indeed 

To Diogenes! I feed 

Full on fooleries, phrenzied, frantic, 

Critic cant and cockney centric. 

Love to see R.A's. array, 

Few can paint, but m:uiv pay. 

List to Gosling Green's remarks, 

Girls' warm gushes, awful lurks! 

Fair May buds ? They're few ; but rare 

Budding boobies in Mavfair. 

On the whole one should be gay 

Who hunts fools in town in May. 

singer, having lost his voice, advertises a reward for its 

Hums OF SCIENCE. Naturalists are puzzled to 
know why Swallows perch on the telegraph wires. 
The reason is perfectly plain they are sending mes- 
sages to say they ore coming. 

nas ?" Some eommciitators ore of opinion that these 
words were, in the first instance, addressed to this emi- 
nent Roman by his talk".-, and that they ought to be 
rendered, " How does it tit, M.BCENAS '; 

A FOOL'S ERRAND. In the heat of the dog-days a 
practical punster, very far gone, went to the Zoological 
Gardens, to cool himself at the pole in the vicinity of 
the Polar Bear. He complained of having found no 
pole near that bear ; the only bears that had a pole 
being brown bears, and he saw them climb it, but didn't 
feel himself at all the cooler. 



Why did MR. CURLYWIO call upon Papa ? 

Why did they remain talking for two hours ? 

Why was Mamma sent for P 

Why did FLORIE cry her eyes out P 

Why did EFFIE say Papa was right to object ? 

Why did FLORIE, after she had been down to Papa a 
study, return smiling P 

Why did EFFIE look so angry when she told FLORIB 
that she congratulated her P 

Why should that great lanky chap, CURLYWIO, bt 
made my brother-in-law P 

. -xAMk" MC 

, nit, 


Or, Dioyents the Younger. 

The Lady tcith a Mission. She will fill your house 
with parsons or professors, lecture you on her pet hobby 
when she can get no other audience (which will be 
pretty often), consider all your old friends frivolous, and 
treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint 
that you like your dinner punctually, and properly 

The Lady of Fashion. She will regard you as an 
appendage, a cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor 
of equipages and dresses and diamonds and lace, a 
person to be ignored as much as possible in Society. 

The Millionaire's Daughter. She will persistently 
make you aware that it is her house you live in, her 
carriage you drive, that the servants are hers, the dinner? 
hers that, in fact, she has bought you, and given for 
you much more than you are really worth. 

The Pious-Parochial Lady.Sbe will devote all her 
time to the distribution of tracts, the inspection of 
cottages, the collection of gossip, and interviews with 
the Curate. Each Curate will he a more "blessed" 

man than his predecessor, especially if he have the 
shifty eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and 
shambling knees which modern Curatism has de- 

The Female Forelist. She will sit up all night 
writing improprieties, and pass all day in town, worrnng 
publishers, who are at present sad victims of the irre- 
pressible petticoat. 

The Horsey Woman. She will laugh at you as a 
muff if you don't ride across country, buy "screws" 
from her particular friends that you will have to sell 
for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a 
fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at 
least once every season. 

The Ouihing Female. She will devour you with 
kisses, to the injury of your shirt-front, or weep on 
your bosom, with much tfie same result. To her either 
is equally delightful. 

The ffYifou.'. DIOOEVES pauses. The theme is too 
great for him. Vide Mr. Weller, Sen., in Pickwick, 

STTPtTVn AT ^InTWTVfl. FicrhtlTT* dhfldrtVI 


I December 14. \f!t. 









[December 14, 1874. 


THERE was a little Gun 
Weighing more than Eighty Ton, 

Which made a great sensation, and a greater noise ; 
Every trial shot, they found, 
Cost quite tive-and-twenty pound, 

But there's not another nation got it's equal, Boys '. 


]|;i< lost liis ship, 
And can't tell how it founder'd. 

Ij't it alone ! 

The salt sea foam 
Will never let out who blun- 



With gout being ill, 
Was ordered Vichy water : 

Hut feeling down, 

Poured out "Old Brown," 
And finished a tumbler after. 



Light and airy, 
How does your fountain flow ? 

Cockles, squills, 

And camomile pills, 
To the dogs with the rest 
may go. 


Made such a noise, Sir, 
Letting off fireworks yellow 

an' green 
What to him might be 

Would nearly make you 

sick ; 

0! sure such a Wag ne'er as 
this has been seen. 


HKY diddle, diciuic! 
A slate in the middle ; 
A message come down from 

the moon. 

The medium he laughed, 
To see such sport, 
And took in the too-credulous 

(For Studenti and Ejtamintrt.) 

Q. Can you define Longitude ? 

A. Yes, if you allow me a certain Latitude. 

Q. As this application cannot for a moment be enter- 
tained, we will pass on to another subject. What do 
you understand by " a question of Time 'i " 

A. My asking you what o'clock it is. 


Firat catch your heir, and 
Ik. n hook him. 

Srateh a millionaire, and 
you '11 find a snob. 

When the chaperone conies 
in at the door, the lover tlics 
out of the window. 

Too many cooks spoil the 

The cook's ncsc, shows where 
the money goes. 

No savings, no sweetheart. 

Borrow in haste mid repay at 

You can't wear your lady's 
gown and have it in the ward- 

Marsala under any other 
name will be as cheap. 

There's no school like the 
old school. 

No Alp without a tourist. 

COOK looks on many tourists, 
the tourists see but one COOK. 


IT is proposed to form a Syndicate for the establish- 
ment of Companies with strictly limited liabilities to 
carry out various useful purposes. Now that nobody 
cares to buy Turks and Egyptians, investors will doubt- 
less be glad to hear of ventures whose shares will imme- 
diately reach a big premium. Among them may be 

A Company for the Suppression of Unsatisfactory but 
Opulent Uncles and Aunts, 
and the proper Distribution 
of their Assets among their 
younger Collaterals. 

A Company (under the pre- 
sidency of SIR WILFRID 
LAWSON) for introducing Malt 
and Hops into Ale, and eli- 
minating Fusel Oil from 

A Company (under the pre- 
sidency of SIR CHARLES 
DILKE) for Improving the 
quality of Modern Criticism. 

A Company (under the presi- 
for the Vivisection of Scien- 
tific Professors. Shorthand 
writers will be engaged to re- 
port their remarks during the 

A Company [for Ostracising 
Fishmongers who sell Oysters 
out of Season. 

A Company for Inoculating 
Upholsterers with the First 
Principles of Decorative Effect. 

A Company for Quietly Re- 
moving the 1 urks from Europe 
into Asia, and keeping them 

A Company for Carrying 
Honesty to the Stock "Ex- 
change, Honour to Tattersall's, 
ti;iiety to Buckingham Palace, 
and Sea-water to London. 


Cupid of the Scandinavian mythology was Haider. 
He is represented, however, wit 1 , a head of natural 
hair. Had lie been simp!;- bald, he would have worn a 


BEAUTY, unwedded, seen at rout or ball, 
Is like the noonday sun which shines on all. 
When Hymen's ring o'er Beauty's finger slips, 
That sun oft suffers annular eclipse ! 


r;i,:tn!n flrmrn (narrating hit Trip to the Continent). " THEN, OF COURSE, WE RAN cows TO GRANADA, 


Captain Jink* (itntravellcd Athlete). "No?! WHAT, HAVK THEY OOT ONE THERE TOO!!" 


A TOKEN from the coming 


Has greeted me to-day, 
Which tears into my eyes can 

And stop me on my way. 

'Tis not that in the pathway 


A primrose heedless tost ; 
'Tis not the martyr bud which 

Before the lingering frost. 

Nor yet the subtle whisper, 

Clear 'mid the blustering 

That tells of flower, and bee, 

and bird, 
And April days behind. 

No! 'twas that while with 

eager pace 

Heedless I hurried by, 
A gnat, the firstling of the 

Flew straight into my eye ! 


(For Students and Examiners.) 

Q. Under what conditions docs a body fall to the 
earth ': 

A. The conditions vary. But when a body is asked 
afterwards, the answer attributes the accident either to 
the heat of the room, or the salmon, or the cucumber, 
or something that has disagreed with it (the body in 
question), but in no case is any reference made to the 


Wo have changed all that. 
There is now extensively ad- 
vi rtised a " Singer Manufac- 
turing Company." 

Eccruits are in request. Let 
them see a little more of the 
colour of your money. That 
is the flag to rally round. 

TOM TIPPLER makes his grog so strong, that he is 
obliged to use toughened glass. 


(Who narrowly escaped being a Benedict.) 
MAnniAUE a lottery? Yes! My stars I thank 
That I have drawn its greatest prize a blank ! 



[CKmbcr II, int. 




WHO KNOWS? What sized bowl is required to 
drown care in ? 

PROPER FARE. What would you expect to find on 
a literary man's breakfast-table? Bacon's Remains, 
Final Memorials of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley 

an unfortunate who has invested his little all in Turkish 
Bonds with a Porte-monnaie. 

many jokes mav be classed under these two heads : 
1 . Funnv, but old ; 2. New, but not funnv. 

WHAT OUGHT TO Go TOGETHER. A turnip watch 
and an eighteen-carat gold chain. 

DOMESTIC. It was a homely but pungent observa- 
tion, on the part of a man of much experience and ob- 
servation, that marriage without lore was like tripe 
without onions. 


r 14, 1S7. 






[Uncle John tries to look dttioMM, but hat a shrewd fusnicion that his Bed chamber is directly over this Xfagazine I 



(ir.(A A/r. Punch'l Apologia to Mr. Leighton.) 


W.DDIKO-RINO, AND WIN* THE DAV. (IPiM J/r. Puw/.'i Apolofiel to Mr. PoytHr.) 

at 1 P.M., luncheon-time, a hungry man walked into a 
pigeon pit 1 . He has not been seen since. 


THAT Palceocrystic sea has one paradoxical pecu- 
liarity : though ice-locked, \t_floes on for ever. 

To SCHOOL-BOARDS. There is something far better 
than fu>hnnl Kpfnrp hrpnkfjist breakfast before school. 

person, at whose decease you will come into property 
many happy new years. 

THE VEBREY IDEA. Let ' hare some lunch. 


[December 14, 1876- 

(For Stuiltnll and Examineri.) 

Q. Is the Earth ever at rest ? 

A. Never : and not likely to be as long as its principles of action 
iave a tendency to keep;it"iu a perpetual state of revolution. 

Q. The Earth moves, eh ? 

A. Yes, at a meeting of the planets it always moves a resolution. 

Q. That is not an answer. Is it an ascertained fact that the Earth 
moves ? 

A. No: but it is an ascertained fact that tie tea does, and the 
effect is most unpleasant. Judging from our srnsitions on shore, 
which are generally of a pleasurable character, we should say that 
the Earth does not move, liut send a boy out to watch. I '11 go, if 
you'll give me five shillings. 

How TO GET RID OF A BORE. Make an appointment to meet 
him on Waterloo Bridge, and throw him over. 






1 S 




4 W 



I'.i M.] .., 
Old Mid 
Oif- T.T^ 

;.-,.,., 1. 1 1 

tt I .,,!.,. 









; SB ..M.. 

t!*rngtr d 
Fund, >.'41 
nhcrloelt d. 
I'ttiarch d. 

iiiTi. K. ho J. 

27 V I * . -..i . 

J i S ( n,y d. 
*9 S 9 s. .1. "Jr. 
:i M W. Pna4. 

<J TH I. l..j>i.i d. 

11 W 




& -t.'i'f 



BELIEVERS in the Canards of the silly season 

Mater families when pater familias suggests post- 
ponement of the autumnal outing Black. 

Paterfamilias totting up the expenses of ditto ditto 

LAURA'S cheeks when the long expected {t pop " is 
brought off at Scarborough Coultur-M-Stm. 

Ditto, ditto, when papa and mamma "won't have it" 

Tip-tilted noses exposed to nipping equinoctials- 

LADY FITZ FALDERAL'S locks when she arrived at 
" that out of the way hole," Slowcum-on-Splash 

Ditto ditto after a week's sickness and the loss of her 
dressing-ease Grey. 

JACK L&PECU'S holiday suit (third season's wearing) 

M.P's. autumnal "spout" to his constituents 

NATrvs LAND or KNOWLEDGE. The Isle of Scio 

Q C.rol. 

W W. Scuu b 

.'3 Th W .!..<-. M 




WhyareFLORiE and CHAD-wicK(that'sCuRLY'\viG) 
always together ? 

Why do they always sit together in the morning 
room ? 

Why does FLORIE give me shillings not to sing a 
song about the baboon who married the monkey's 
sister ? 

Why doesn't old CHADDY like being called " Daddy 
Longlegs " when I come down to dessert '{ 

Why does EFFIE laugh at the name? 

Why does FLORIE say she knows why EFFIE encou- 
rages me to be rude ? 

Why does EFFIE want to know what FLORIE 
:-:ieans ? 

Why does FLOBIE ask again after MRS. RUBRIC ? 



JULY ! Mercury up to " melting." 
Grand to see great gabies pelting 
After, what ? A leathern sphere ! 
True " pursuit of folly " here. 
What would old ERASMUS say ? 
/swig "Iced Hatfield," and survey. 
Girls look on, their boredwn's shocking, 
Might set MephistophelK mocking. 
Cricket, perfect type of life, 
Dull display and aimless strife. 
Need no other goose-round try 
Than "the Oval" in July 


(A most fashionable dance, as performed at the most crowded 
I/alls of the season.) 

FIRST FIGURE. La Pastajoke. Opposite couples 
set-to and squeeze, walk on each other s toes, attempt 
to turn round, fail completely, and return to their places. 
C/iaine ties dames. Struggle of gentlemen to recover 
their respective partners. 

SECOND FIGURE. L'Etalone. Advance three inches 
to opposite lady. Drive your elbows into crowding 
neighbours. Walk through both dancers' skirts, and 
back into opposite gentleman's waistcoat. Exchange 
cards. Set to your partner. Balance: on next man's 
instep, and apologise. Mop foreheads all round. 

THIRD FIGURE. La Long Poule et la Ponle all 
together. Hands across and back again. Wriggle up 
to ris-d-vis. Carry off polonaises and round dos-d-clos. 

Clear 3 our le^s, and i lose with your partner. Surge to 
right and left, and resume position as you were. Take 
out a reef in waistcoat. 

FOURTH FIGURE. La Tottchanilgo. Advance, if 
possible. Lift your partner on to your rit-a-ris. Re- 
main deaf to all expostulations. Chassez-croisez. See 
what you can, and return to your places. Lose tail of 
your coat, and swear silently. C'urn/in- sew/. 

FIFTH FIGURE. Grand Con: Galop. Up and down 
on your own ground and your neighbours' corns. 1'ni 
sent on an Alderman's pet bunion. Change partners, 
to your own advantage, if possible. Get hopelessly 
mixed up with another set, and sink exhausted and 
completely crushed behind a block of ice. whither three 
couple have already retreated in hopes of a breath of 



Why is Fl.ORIE to be married next month ? 

Why does Papa say he requires change of air ? 

Why is he going to Paris with his friend, MR. SKY- 
LA BK'? 

Why does Mamma say it is shameful ? 

Why does Papa quarrel with Mamma ? 

Why does Papa get put his cheque-book ? 

Why does Mamma sigh, and kiss him ? 

A\ hv mayn't I go to Paris with Papa, as well as 



AUGUST ! Mimes raise one more Moloch, 
Quit the wicket and the rowlock. 
At the sea-side, those who've leisure 
Toil, stare, weary, call it " pleasure.' 
Society ! a Simple Simon 
That might tickle sternest Timoii. 
To sound of nigger's concertina. 
Pater familias spends much money, 
To be bored, B. flatted. (Funny"!) 
Till sent home by early raw-gust, 
Which he thanks. I do love August. 


THISH practish of punning, now growing the rule, 
Needsh like those who add monish to monish 


I 'd denl capital punishment out to the fool 
Whosh ev'ry remark for a capital pun is/i meant ! 

MPtnbet M,1S7.) 


(For Students and Examiner! ) 

Q. 'What do you mean by " Greenwich Time ? " 

A. Well, I should Bay from April to July, after which th 
whitebait are worthless. 

Q. What is " mean time " at Greenwich ? 

A. It has two significations. For example, the first is when 
my mother-in-law comei to spend a day with my wife, and / 
am mean-time at Greenwich. 

Q. And the second Hgnification ? 

A. When you are asked to join a friend at Greenwich, and be 
won't stand you a dinner, or refuses to pay for i'omuiery 
tret tec. 

Boys' Home, Yarmouth. 

HAPPY RELEASE. Paying off a mortgage. 




SEPTEMBER ! Month a regular stunner : 
No such gaby as your gunner. 
Tramps through turnips, sludge, or stubble, 
Alter game not worth the trouble. 
Nuts to me ! I eat ripe fruits 
And shoot folly as it shoots ! 
Spouters too, St. Stephen's shut 
Vent irresponsible bosh big butts. 
Caucuses for free discussion, 
E.g., rows and brain-concussion. 
Sportsman, Congressist, and " Member," 
Split my midriff in September. 



Why is every room in the house turned topsy- 
turvy ? 

Why is EFFIE so very cross ? 

Why does FLORIE get so many visits from her old 
schoolfellows ? 

Why is old CHADDY always in the way ? 

Why is old CHADDY always being sent on errands ? 

Why does Mamma cry when FLORIE tries on her 
wedding-dress ? 

AVhy docs EFFIE say that white isn't becoming to 

What toys will Papa bring me home from Paris ? 

(For Students and Examiners.) 

Q. Can you explain the phenomena of Sunrise and 
Sunset ? 

A. Certainly. It will take some considerable time, 
so if you '11 have the legs of yesterday's Turkey grilled 
and devilled, and a few slices of plum-pudding fried, 
and a bottle of your very best at ninety-nine shillings 
a dozen, with cigars to match, all readv by ten o'clock 
I'll come and explain everything. Yes, Sir, there 
shall be no secrets between us. We won't go home till 
daylight does appear, and we '11 soon find out what it 
is that goes round, whether it's the Earth : or not. 
(End of examinations.) 


Why does Papa say he wishes it over ? 

Why does Mamma think he might be more amiable, 
as she has had all the trouble ? 

Why are we all to go to church ? 

Why is old CHADDY dressed in a blue frock-coat? 

What do they all cry about at the big breakfast ? 

AVhy does old CHADDY go away with FLORIE ? 

Why does EFFIE say that poor FLORIB never looked 
worse in her life ? 

Why mayn't I have some more cake ? 



OCTOBER ! Surely no month else is 
.Like it. Folly excehit ! 
Boobies everywhere. Half sorry, 
Scarcely time to pot each quarry. 
Science-spouters make me chuckle 
Till wet eyes need vigorous knuckle. 
Cap-and-oells upon a platform, 
0, but Folly ! nch in that form ! 
Love to see it pose and stammer, 
Labouring out each party crammer. 
DRACO himself could not keep sober, 
At public Goose-show in October. 


19 H. .f I 

. St. Dtfiv* 

Oif M 1.1 
. OU M I 

O* L*4 '83 Tn K D.tb d. 
E4 w. Of f 1 W W.Utn d. ! iTt, M trnr>. 
~~ n. i6 HoKMtll. d. I 

*-i Cp.c^b. 

H.p.rl ki IBS **-' Tr. 
T.jlar ]89 M K..I. bB 1 
.ll.rd. 131' T" I Tow*' Lnt > 

B-N~Tilno .HI H* A!lH.llw 

, 21 - 


THB Police have made a great raid upon dogs, yet 
they rnnnot catch one Collie. 

WK srotl' at savajes who bow down before strange 
idols, yet we invariably " worship" the Bench. 


A LODGER in a quiet street (according to advertise- 
ment) has counted six and thirty barrel-organs, three 
monster pony-drawn ditto, eleven Anglo-German bands, 
seven dancing pifferari, fifteen troops of Sable singers, 
at least a score of solo-players on tho harp, the flute, 
the fiddle, the key-bugle, and the tom-tom, nineteen 
begging ballad-bawlers, six or seven sailors singing 
nasal psalms, and five and twenty howlers of " ten-a- 
peuny warnuts," visiting its precincts within a single 

It is currently believed that, in spite of the Police, 
and the Mendicity Society, the yearly ini-ome of the 
beggars in the streets of the Metropolis in the aggregate 
exceeds three hundred thousand pounds. 

It has been estimated that at a dance of ninety-three 
young people the words, "so glad, don't you know ! " 
are used upon an averazc eleven times a minute, and 
the phrase, " awfully jolly ! " as many as nineteen. 

It is computed that the Autographs, which, on sundry 
shallow pretexts, have been extracted from English 

authors and artists of celebrity within the present 
century would, if they were set up in a column of the 
very smallest type, now current in our newspapers, 
overtop by more than four-fifths of a furlong the heights 
united of the Monument, the Clock Tower, the Nelson 
Column, and St. Paul's. 

The weight of the Valentines sent last year through 
the Post Office exceeded by some ounces twenty-seven 

The number of Puns made yearly on tho words 
'tongue" and "trifle" by young Gentlemen at supper- 
time amounts, it is computed, to five millions and 

Do not give way to the temptation of eating apples. 

weather ! " 

REGULAR CANNIBALISM. A morning paper asserts 
that the " true function of the Militia is .to feed the 
Line ! " 


'December 14, 187. 

SI U r J. HUH d 

MTMCML I November. 

They essayed SANKET'S psalmody 'neath SAGITTARIUS, 

With vocal effects the reverse of hilarious. 

MOORE AND BURGESS came next, as they neared C APRI- 


Cried he, " This won't do I Cognoscenti will scorn us ! " 
But, alas ! they 'd sing naught, as they entered AQUA- 

But vapid Virginia's versicles various : 
And so when the Sun was just entering PISCES. 
He turned up that triad of Musical Misses. 



NOVEMBER ! Month of fogs and guys, 

Noodledom's own paradise, 

Folly takes a civic turn. 

Ah ! if all the guys they 'd burn 

On the fifth, as lots do one, 

life indeed were void of fun. 

Rising morn with rosy kirtle, 

Pale to Lord Mayor, at his turtle, 

Rising rubicund to show 

Elocutional " Old Clo ! " 

No ! were Wit at its last ember, 

It would flame, stirred by November. 



'Why does the Doctor say Mnnima wants change of 

Why doesn't Papa like Brighton ? 
Why does Mamma say, " Of course it isn't so pleasant 
s Paris ! " 

Why does Papa say, " Anything for a quiet life." 
Why arc we nil going to Brighton ? 
Why does EFFIE like the Skating Rink f 
* ho 's the chap in the moustaches ? 
Why does he help EFFIE ? 


A Rhymlit ,onj almi hu eiwjed In thete llnei 
An ntt -phonetic let-to with the SIgaj. 


Had three virgin vocalists, all of them MARIES. 

He taught the fair three, while the Sun was in TAURUS, 

To chant the loud wailings of WAGNER in chorus 

It solaced his soul, and he cried, "With these women I 

Hope to work wonders before we reach GEMINI." 

But alas ! by the time when the Sun was in CANCER 

He found toujoun WAONER with women won'tanswer. 

And BO, while the Sun was careering through LEO, 

Ho taught them a tender and twittering trio 

But they tiffed, and then wouldn't keep time in it, ergo, 

He wrote a new song for each virgin, in VIRGO ; 

Tet they all of them "struck" for more monev in 

Not one would sing " do " nor (without a big bribe} 


Ho sighed, when he found them all silent in SCORPIO 
"How wondrous that WAGNER she-tempers should 

warp. Heigho ! " 



Why won't the chap in the moustaches help me 
along as well as EFFIE ? 

Why does Mamma want to know what I mean ? 

Why does EFFIE say I am always telling stories ? 

Why does she pinch me when we are alone ? 

Why does Papa say that "he will horsewhip the 
scoundrel " ? 

What 's the meaning of " an elopement " ? 

Why does Papa say, " Well, we are rid of both of 
them.' ^ 

And, lastly, why does Mamma cry, and kiss me, and 
tell me to be a good boy, as I am the only one left ? 



DECEMBER ! Now the picture-papers 
Folly urge to cut fresh capers, 
To my special delectation ; 
Nous deserts the entire nation. 
Christmas, Fetish with red nose, 
Makes all men as mummers pose, 
Cant of charity, chant the carol, 
Meaning, love of board and barrel, 
Orgies amorous and Bacchic ! 
Nemesis in form Stomachic 
Makes Old Motley's mimes remember 
Folly's Dance in drear December. 

(For Students and Kxamintn ) 

Q. How would a modern gun-smith describe the solar 

A. As a " central fire, and a lot of revolvers." 

Q. Is it true that foreign stocks rise and fall under 
the influence of any of the Heavenly Bodies F 

A. Yes. But this cause can only be satisfactorily re- 
ferred to the action of those eminent financiers the 
Great and Little Bear. 


8 S. in Ad 
Chl]mfi !l 
Jno. Gy d. 

|m..a.b,.| December. 


(By a Poor Expectant of Pertt.) 
AIR " When other lips," &c. 
WHEN other Govs. for other clerk* 

Shall " strike upon the bell," 
And proffer, liberal and no larks, 

The " tips" they love so well ; 
Perhaps in that ecstatic hour 

Old " Screws" may softened be. 
touch him, though" he 's close and dour 1 

Then, Yule, remember me ! 

When geese and turkeys fly about, 

And fi'pun-notes abound ; 
When hampers tall, capacious, stout, 

In passages are found ; 
When pass the bottle and the cask 

At such a season I 'd but asK, 

Dear Yule, remember me ! 



JANUARY 13, 1877.] 



[It is proposed by the Newbury District Field Club to raise a memorial of 
l.i in s CAUV VIMOUNT FALKLAND, the spot where he fell in arms for the 
King's cause, in the first Battle of Newbury, Sept. 18, 1643. 600 is required 
for the purpose. Nearly half the sum is already subscribed. Subscriptions 
may be paid at the Old Bank, Newbury, and in London at MESSRS. DHUM- 
MOND'S, HANSON'S, UOBARTS'S, and the London and County Bank.] 

THERE stands a pillar upon Chalgrove'Field, 
Where by war's blind event JOHN HAMPDEIT fell, 

To die, still praying till his lips were sealed 
That God would save the land he loved so well. 

That stone reminds our times of peaceful ease 
How HAMPDEN'S stainless sword, drawn to defend 

01 1 monarchy and ancient liberties 
Of England, was borne stainless to the end. 

We see the stern and steadfast face, still set 
Peacewards through risinsr storms of "civil life : 

By a high purpose purified from fret 
Of party feud and hate-embittered strife. 

There was another, who to HAMPDEN'S goal 
Pressed on by other road than HAMPDEN went ; 

Whose yearning after peace so vexed his soul, 
It robbed his night's rest and his day's content 

FALKLAND, who, when men's hearts were tried with fire, 
Came from the furnace pure as gold thrice-proved : 

Who threat of Parliament and royal ire 
Withstood, in strength of his high aim unmoved, 

That he might teach a land that reverenced law 

To brook the rule of law-abiding kings ; 
For this he strove, while with hope's eye he saw 

The waving of the White Peace-Angel's wings. 

But when they closed in smirch of blood and smoke 
On Edgehill field, he drew a burdened breath, 

Went weary, as a man whose heart is broke, 
And rode the fight liks one who seeks for death. 

At Newbury he found it, in the van 
Of BrRON's charging troopers charging home. 

Of jthe King's following the noblest man, 

Who had crowned Law and Peace 'neath Freedom's dome. 

No stone yet marks the spot where FALKLAND fell. 

The time is come such record were supplied. 
As Chalgrove pillar doth of HAHPDEN tell, 

Let Newhury tell how FALKLAND lived and died. 

'Tis well that England lift a thankful heart 
God hath so blessed our land, that either cause, 

The King's and Parliament's, could find a part 
For FALKLAND, HAMPDEN, loving both old laws 

And ancient liberties : that when they drew 
Reluctant swords, ne'er forged for brothers' wars, 

Still Truth and Right, seen reek of battle through, 
In life and death to both were guiding stars. 


1. WHEN will Somebody do something towards the general intro- 
duction of some really sweeping measures for the cleansing of our 
pavements ? 

2. When will Somebody do something towards decreasing Christ- 
mas, and all the year round. drunkenness ? 

3. When will Somebody do something towards removing Temple 
Bar and Holywell Street ? 

4. When will Somebody do something towards making chickens, 
beefsteaks, salmon, butter, eggs, and oysters, as cheap as they once 
used to be ? 

5. When will Somebody do something really sensible in Parlia- 
ment, or out of it, to cause a marked decrease in preventible railway 
accidents ? 

6. When will Somebody do something to induce educated Britons 
to club together for the establishment of a worthy National Theatre ? 

7. When will Somebody do something to solve the pressing 
problem of compulsory school attendance ? 

ALARMING FAEHTBE. The New Year gone into liquidation ! 



[JANUARY 13, 1877. 


(Queen proclaimed Empress of India at Delhi, January 1, 1877.) 

lien u, cannon, to the brass-bands'. blare, and elephantine trump ; 
Big drums, make all the noise you can, and native tom-toms thump ! 
While VICEROY LYTTON changes gilt howdah for gilt throne, 
And VICIOKIA'S Indian titles are to India's corners blown ! 

Prank yourselves, SCINDIAH, GAEKWAH, NIZAM, RAM, JAM, & Co., 
Rear your new-broidered banners, your new-coined medals show ; 
Own that Old England, when she likes, can turn out a parade, 
Almost as well as if such pomp were her, as 'tis your, trade. 

Think not of cost, nor of the needs that call for it elsewhere ; 
The cloud of coming 'scarcity that darkens the parched air : 
Let not the whiff unmannerly of cyclone-swallowed dead 
Come 'twixt your new nobility, and attar freely shed. 

Lay your nuzzers down in homage at the courteous Viceroy's feet ; 
Drink the sweet powder of salutes, increased new ranks to greet : 
Nor ask if all this tinsel, these gewgaws, bind the band 
More close betwiit your weakness and the strength of England's 

'TwasnoMAMsEngland spread her rule, from CHARLOCK'S narrowsway 

To the days of CLIVE and Plassy, of WELLESLEY and Assaye ; 

But, first, by sharp swords in strong hands, and when their work was 

By proving she knew how to rule the Empire these had won. 

And if some stains of force or fraud deface that record long, 
The force is used, the fraud condoned, she now is just as strong : 
The baser greeds of gold and rule a higher power o'er-rides, 
By purer law than yours directs, to ends more worthy guides. 
She holds your swarming millions now, but as a trust of Heaven, 
To civilise and educate to her best teaching given : 
A nursery for her Statesmen, for her Warriors a school, 
To show men how a wiser West a wider East can rule. 
Till India, as she bows before her Empress-Queen to-day, 
Can offer her a gift for all the blessings of her sway 
Governors wise in council, and Christian soldiers, bold, 
If need were, a more troubled East to take into their hold. 

JANUARY 13, 1877.] 




Cook. " YES, 'M FKESH, OR AUSTB ? " 



OUR Life-Boats', are they not? Here is a summary 
of them for 1876. Close on five hundred lives saved, 
and eighteen vessels rescued from the very jaws of des- 
truction ; and out of the twelve hundred men afloat 
during the year in the J56 boats of the National Life- 
Boat Institution, only a single man lost, to the 498 saved 
by their aid aid rendered at what danger to life and 
limb, at what cost of exposure, hardship, calm courage, 
and skilled self-devotion, no record can tell. 

Organisation the Institution gives. Courage, strength, 
and skill, our gallant English sea-faring coast popula- 
tion finds in abundance. But money it is for England 
to contribute, for the establishment of stations, the pro- 
vision of boats and apparatus, and the payment of the 
rewards bestowed bv the Institution on those who aid in 
its good work of life-saving at sea, in the shape of 
medals and money 968 medals and 50,000 having been 
granted since its foundation, in recognition of such ser- 

Need Punch say more in furtherance of his call not to 

Man the Life-boat" that is done already but to 
money it. This may be done through any banker in 
the United Kingdom, or directly through the Secretary, 
14, John Street, Adelphi, London. "Adelphi" means 
" brothers." What quarter so fit for the head-quarters 
of a Society doing, if ever Society did, a work of Chris- 
tian and, wider, human brotherhood, among those who 
"Go down to the sea in ships, and occupy their busi- 
ness in great waters." 

How about those Buttons P 

THERE are few things more wonderful, in DR. 
SCHLIEMANN'S wonderful "find" at Mycense, than the 
enormous quantity of buttons he has come upon in 
these mysterious graves. It has been hitherto supposed 
that the chieftains of the heroic age had souls above 
Buttons. But we know that in the' earlier obsequies of 
chiefs slaves were sacrificed to the manes of their owners. 
The most probable explanation which we can offer of the 
Mycenian buttons is that they belonged to the garments 
of the pages who, no doubt, were burned in numbers 
round the bodies of their buried masters and mistresses. 

DIET CHEPE. Cheapside in this weather. 

Meanwhile we govern India, 'fore all, for India's good : 

To teach and rear her chieftains to rule as rulers should. 

To teach and rear her people to the fair arts of peace, 

So to leave a self -ruled India when our Viceroy-rule has ceased. 


(A Protest from our Learned Pig.) 


H HUM i'u ! I am a well-meaning 'animal, with a liberal 
appetite and an unprejudiced taste. Man is a stingy brute, with an 
unscrupulous conscience and a squeamish stomach. Hinc illte 
lachryma .' (I am a learned pig you^will perceive.) Give a pi(f a 
bad name and eat him ; abusing him afterwards for daring to dis- 
agree with you ! That's human justice all over. We porkers call 
it ungracious gluttony. Hrumph ! I have no particular ambition 
to be eaten at all, but if post-mortem deglutition is my destiny I 
would fain die with a good dietetic reputation, and escape posthu- 
mous prejudice. Were the ban of MOSES and MAHOMET made uni- 
versal, I should not repine. A pig like the Premier is _pachyder- 
matously imperturbable under spiteful pin-pricks, particularly if 
they serve a useful purpose ; he will not fume at misrepresentation, 
provided he thereby escape the pot. But to feed on us, and then 
flout us, is a little too bad. I am nice oh, yes, I am emphatically 
and indisputably nice. Trust Epicurean humanity to discover that, 
even without the lambent light thrown on Roast rig by the Essay 
ofJSKa. BO-BO, the swineherd's boy, (ah ! I should Uke to. have 
had the roasting of him ! I would willingly fire my stye for the 
purpose : they say " Long Pig," even with a Chinese flavour is tooth- 
some and succulent) BO-BO, I say, was 'representative of his race. 
I am admittedly delicious. But I am unwholesome forsooth ! 
Bosh! ! I Has anyone yet proved that pig as pig is not as salubrious 

as savoury ? Diseased, of course, I play the dickens with the dupes 
and the duffers who strive to digest me. And serve them right ! 
But why should I be diseased ? I have been listening to my Echo, 
Mr. Punch, and this is what I hear : 

" Two hundred and fifty pounds of diseased pork bad been seized (in Glas- 
gow) by a Sanitary Inspector. In the course of the trial it transpired that 
the pigs before (laughter ' seemed dropsical.' A butcher who was examined 
and leemed to look on the matter with great nonchalance considered that 
this might hare been caused by the pigs having been fed on the putrefied 
stomachs of diseased horses. When horses became dropsical it was common to 
give them spirits of nitre or antimony, and if the pigs were fed on the flesh 
of such diseased animals, the disease might be communicated to them. 
The witness added that, 'it was just in the way of business to dress such 

There ! ! ! In the way of business ! ! And then they blame me .' .' .' 
Hrumph ! It is disgusting ! Why not brand the conscienceless brute 
who feeds his unsuspicious porkers on such foul offal, dealing out 
death at third hand from luckless horse to deceived pig. and from de- 
ceived pig to gulled humanity ! , I have a somewhat undiscriminating 
appetite. It is my weakness, and I confess it openly. I have the 
misfortune to be carnivorous rather than eclectic. But I have no 
preference for disease-gendering garbage, I am not the Reynolds of 
my race. Give me wholesome food and plenty of it, I am not parti- 
cular, anything from acorns to " hotel tub " will suit me for a change, 
and " the, grateful stomach of the judicious epicure " shall not 
suffer post-prandially from me. But diet me on rotten fish, diseased 
potatoes, or putrid horse, and if Nemesis takes the form of Trichi- 
nosis, or other disgusting disorder, who is to blame ? Not I, but 
the money-grubbing miscreants whom it were indeed base flattery 
to call " greedy as a pig." Hrnmph ! Down on them, dear Punch, 
and exonerate your much maligned correspondent, 

(Before tht Namt was usurped ly your'own Puppy of a Dog.) 


[JANUARY 13, 1877. 




Author of " Squeezing Langford," " Two Kicks," $c., 
CHAPTER VIII." The Treble Event." 

AT his wit's end, LAWYER 
FERRET, hit'upon a plan to 
retrieve the fortunes of the 

" He must lose three 
Derbys in succession, must 
he not ? " asked the astute 
Lawyer of the Hon ble PULL- 

" Yes, so says the Will," 
was the answer. " And if 
he doesn't, the property is 

" Is ours," the Lawyer rejoined, with grim humour. 

LADY Di, seated in the barouche, laid her nervous hand on a diamond-hilted poniard 
she wore at her girdle. 

MRS. AZAMYLE, who had just returned to herself, trembled. She did not like 

LAWYER FERRET had arranged it in two seconds with the Bookmakers and Owners. 

The Bell rang for the next Derby. 

There were no starters, except Moka and the Invisible Prince. 

"Now," exclaimed the Hon ble PULLMAN, "he's done. With one or the other, he 
must walk over the course, and win. Ha ! ha ! " 

But MR. STRTNGHALT raised his hat, and begged the'Hon ble Gentleman's pardon. He 
(MR. STRTNGHALT) had just purchased the Invisible, and had backed him heavily. 

As he had said, the Invisible won. Moka nowhere. 

" Hooray ! " cried SIR THOMAS, while LAWYER FERRET and the Hon ble PULLMAN 
absolutely danced with rage and disappointment. 

A storm was brewing. The Bookmakers, over two hundred of them, utterly ruined 
by following LAWYER FERRET and the Hon ble PULLMAN'S advice, began to eye the pair 

There was yet another race. 
'Moka must win shall win this time," screamed LAWYER FERRET, as with 'the 
Hon ble PULLMAN, who was now dressed as a Jockey, he furiously approached CAVASSON, 
intending to tear him from his horse, and throw him down the hill, when PULLMAN 
would get up, and win on Moka. 

But it would have been easier to have torn a Precentor from his stall than to drag 
the^Dumb Jockey from off Moka's back. 

"Base villains!" screamed the two hundred ruined Bookmakers, who were no 
uninterested spectators of the exciting scene. 

" Base ! " echoed LAWYER FERRET, in a deep voice. " Base ! We must be base 
for the treble event." 

But they were not to be mollified with a witticism, and already they were taking off 
their coats, and turning up their sleeves. 

Yet there was one chance ! just one ! 

If the Hon bl < PULLMAN CARR could hut substitute himself for the Dumb: Jockey ! 
lhen, once mounted on Moka, he would force the obstinate animal to gallop for dear 
lite, and, by winning the third Derby with one of the Jeddington Dodd Lot, the two pre- 
vious races would go for nothing. 

LAWYER FERRET, the Hon 11 ' PULLMAN, and CAVASSON the Dumb Jockey, were 
engaged in a deadly struggle. The two former, animated by despair, put forth all their 
strength. A loud shout went up from the Bookmakers. 

CAVASSON could resist no longer. The sur- 
ingle was loosened, the girths gave way, and 
le tumbled to the ground an inert mass. 

In a second the Hon ble PULLMAN was on 
Moka's back. 

One flash of the whip ! one nourish of his 
spurs in the air ! and he was off. 

Off, hut not thrown. Moka's heels were 
light and quick, but the Hon ble PULLMAN'S 
seat was as sure' as if he 'd been elected 
without a dissentient voice. 

Moka would not stir. 

LADI Di and MRS. AZAMYLE "screamed, and 
waved their handkerchiefs in their frenzied 

GUSSY, in her brougham, leant back fainting. 
Was she about to lose her lover and her hap- 
piness for ever ? Oh, if Moka would only be 
arm ! if she would but lie down and refuse to 
move ! One of the others might win the Derby, 
and Moka be last after all. 

LAWYER FERRET suddenly reappeared, 
bearing a long pole with bright, gleaming, 
attractive vegetables, such as Moka loved, 
fixed at one end. 

This he gave to the Hon ble PULLMAN. 

In an instant he saw his plan. A gleam of 
dope shone on the pallid countenances of the 

The Hon ble PULLMAN rested the pole between 
Moka's ears, so that the tempting bait of 
carrots and green vegetables hung within a 
few inches of the animal's clear-scenting nose. 
Highly trained as Moka was, yet she was not 
gifted with such common sense as might have 
told her that no amount of galloping would 
bring her one fraction nearer the coveted 

Yet off she started full gallop. 

A ringing cheer went up from the Book- 
makers, who now ran along by the course, 
laying the odds, right and left, on what was, 
evidently, a certainty. 

What were the odds ? 

Why, two thousand to one on Moka ! ! ! 

And where was SIR THOMAS DODD ? 

In the middle of her career, SIR THOMAS, 
standing on the top of GUSSY'S brougham, was 
offering three thousand to one on Invisible 
Prince, and taking all the odds he could get 
against Moka. 

The Bookmakers, relying upon LAWYER 
FERRET and the Hon ble PULLMAN CARE, took 
him in every direction at once. They backed 
Moka for millions. They were determined 
to skin the lamb that day, and the lamb was 
SIR THOMAS DODD. "Done! Done! Done!" 

But Invisible Prince, who has been no- 
where at first, is now creeping up alongside. 
And who has been put up to ride ? 

Is it possible ? Yes I There is no doubt 
about it ! There are the black, purple, green, 
red, and orange stripes ! 

It is CAVASSON, the Dumb Jockey of .Jed- 

Tottenham Corner is passed. Moka first, 
Invisible Prince second ; the rest nowhere. 

Suddenly, from the crowd, the report of a 
pistol is heard. Moka, thoroughly trained, 
knows the signal. She drops, as though shot. 
There she lies, quietly eating the carrots and 
the greens, with the Hon ble PULLMAN wedged 
in, under her. No effort of her Hon blc rider 
could extricate himself, or get her to move. 
There he lay a prisoner. LAWYER FERRET 
tore his hair, and cursed, but he was borne 
onward by the rush of two hundred Book- 

It was WILLIAM BUTTON who had fired the 
pistol. He had had a long experience in the 
Comic business of a Circus, and this was one 
of the tricks he had taught Moka. 

' ' Hoorah ! Hoorah ! Hoopla tchk ! " 

Cheers from the Grand Stand. Cheers 
from the honest public. Groans and execra- 
tions from the two hundred Bookmakers. 

JANUARY 13, 1877.] 


The Numbers are up 

The rett Nowhere. 

" Thanks, CAVASSON ! " cried SIK THOJUS DODD, deeply affected 
" You have saved the honour and name of DODD ! " 

"But," screamed LAWYER FEKRET, "you have forfeited the 
estates ! You have not lost three Derbys in succession ! " 

SIR THOMAS smiled, as, from behind the Judge's box, an elderly 
gentleman stepped calmly forward, with a parchment in his hand 
FERRET recognised him. It was MB. GRAZIN LANE, the well-known 
Chancery Interpleader. 

MK. OKA/UN LANE bowed politely to LAWYER FERRET, and the 
jj on bie puu, M ijf. Then he said, 

" Kxcuse me ; I am a little hoarse." 

A yell camo up from the Bookmakers, who were in no humour for 
a jest. _ ME. OKA/IN LANK continued calmly, 

" This is no juke for any one. I have here several legal docu- 
ments; but, if yoii will allow me, I will skip over what is unneces- 

' Skip ! " they cried, like onje man. 

Mu. (in \ZIN LANE bowed, skippedover the legal forms, and then, 
after taking the necessary steps, he cleared bis voice at a bound, 
and thus addressed .the assembly.* 

(To be continued.) 

* From Editor to Public. Telegram just arrived. It it to be finished next 
week. Last chapter not here yet Shall bring it up with me on my return 
from the Major's, Bogus Park, Boshey, where, I '11 be bound, they are keeping 
Christmas in true old English fashion. ED. 


LD Paterfamilias 
(Friday, Jan. 5). 
Dividends due 
at the Bank : 
mustn't forget 
that the Fire In- 
surance expires 
on the 9th. 
Wrote to ask 
JONES to send 
me back the um- 
brella I left at 
his rooms'on New 
Year's Day, when 
we dined together 
to finish the holi- 
day on the Stock 

(Friday Jan. 5). 
Dividends due 
at the Bank. 
Tried to get 
QEORGE to give 
me a new bonnet. 
First attempt 
was a failure. On 
reminding him, 
however, that 

business couldn't have detained him on New Year's Day, at MB. 
JONES'S, he changed the subject, and wrote me a cheque. Must get 
the children new shoes for to-morrow's Twelfth-Night party. 

Mi'ns Fanny (Friday, Jan. 5). I do so [wish my next quarter's 
money was due as MADAME CRINOLINE'S bill has left me almost 
penniless. _It may arise from my buying gloves with four buttons 
instead of six. " poverty, poverty, how bitter is thy sting " I 
wonder who wrote that ? Of course I remember, it was ALEXANDER 

Miss Laura (Friday, Jan. 5). No news ot^him ! I wonder if he 
will be at the children's party to-morrow ? He may, and then I 
shall see him once again. Even when he is pretending to be ahorse 
for the amusement of the children, he looks romantic. Love, 
what a strange thing thou art, changing the most lowly things into 
all sorts of other things ! I write this with^ the window, open with 
my eyes turned towards the black, cheeriest midnight sky ! I hope 
I shan't catch cold ! 

m M f: Charles\(Friday, Jan. 5). Nothing on for to-day. Children's 
Iwelith-Nightparty to-morrow. That httl flirt LAURA is sure to 
be the re. Shall I go ? Depend! whether I can cut into a rubber at 
the Club. In these hard times can't afford to lose my cards. 

Master 'Tommy (Friday, Jan. 5). Just; eighteen hours to the 
Twelfth-Night Party. What lota of cake I shall eat! Twenty 

days more to the end of the holidays. Ain't I sorry ! What a rot 
diary is ! Shouldn't keep it if papa hadn't promised me five 
shillings if I wrote some things every day for a fortnight. Come, I 
have done enough for to-day. 

Mr. Tentofour Seeling- wax (Friday, Jan. 5). Stayed at the 
office all day reading the papers. Had a snooze in the afternoon, 
and dined at the Club. 

Mr, Fox Wolf, Lawyer (Friday, Jan. 5). Good day's work. 
Sold up three widows, and dispossessed six orphans. Sang 
" Dreaming of Angels " with great success at a soiree in the 

Lieutenant Sabretache (Friday, Jan. 5). On guard all day, and, 
consequently, nothing on earth to do. Couldn t find anything to 
read but the Queen's Regulations. Read some of them for a novelty, 
and found them dry and difficult to understand. Wish I had had a 
Uradshaw might nave read the advertisements instead. 

Mr. Shakespeare Jiyron Jones, Amateur Author (Friday, Jan. 5). 
Made up my mind to write a five-act tragedy in blank verse. 
Wrote to the Editors of six Magazines asking if they wanted any 
articles. Offered to do a Pantomime for MR. CHATTKRTON, at Drury 
Lane, if it wasn't too late. Thought out the first chapters of my 
Novel. Spent the rest of the day in considering what I should call 
the new paper I mean to start. 

Mr. Punch, 85, Fleet Street (Friday, Jan. 5). Hard at work all 
day. No time for diary writing. Leave all that sort of thing for 
people with more leisure on their hands than brains in their head- 


A Query by a Querulous Quidnunc. 
" I wish you a Happy New Year." Popular Saying. 

HAPPY ? That 's doubtful ! Pessimists would say 

Those who are like to find it so are few : 
And of all New Year's deeds from day to day 
How many will be New t 

What if War's waking bring black fear and sadness, 

With parting 's pang to palace, hall, and hovel ? 
Alas ! about that immemorial madness 
There 's nothing that is novel. 

If Trade peace-fostered flourish, then the rout 

Of Mammon's thralls old triumphs by old troubles 
Will buy once more : there 's little new about 
The_tints that brighten bubbles. 

Black-hackle cocks round clerical mare's nests 

Will spar, sects pit to-day against to-morrow, 
But each new vestment Reverend Mimes invest 
From the dead past they 11 borrow. 

The old political pot-d-feu will boil 

With the old hash of all the old ingredients ; 
Old principles fresh-furbished>ct as foil 
To old re-trimmed expedients. 

Neologies galore will take the town, 

Mere masquerade old faces with new masks ! 
The frothiest must but proves, when settled down, 
Old liquor in new casks. 

Art, new-coined terms upon her tongue, will trace, 

With fingers feeble as old hands were furious, 
Faint copies of the ancient glow and grace, 
Antiques as pale as spurious. 

Poesy, plumed for unexampled flights, 

Will deem it soars, while in old mire it grovels ; 
Sumphs vainly seek new radiance in new fights, 
Or novelty in novels 1 

And fools will play their old preposterous pranks, 

Old politicians make their big blunders ; 
And jesters scatter time-worn quips and cranks ; 
And priests roll harmless thunders. 

New Years ? Alas ! I 've'greeted'not a few, 

But spite of piendo-seers who jarred and jangled, 
I find they 've brought me little that is new, 
To much that is new-fangled 1 

SEASONABLE QUERY. If the Mussulman wants muscle for war, 
low can the Iluss fight without its sinews ? 


[JANUARY 13, 1877. 




" Glad lady mine, that glitterert 

In Khinimah of summab athwart the lawn, 
Canst tell me which is bitterest 
The glamaw of Eve, or the glimmah of dawn, 

Chorus. " How EXQUISIM ! How REFINED ! ! 

' To those -with whose hearts thou interest 

The field where they fall at thy feet to fawn ? 
As a buttahfly dost thou fluttah by ! 
How, whence, and oh ! whither, art come and gone ? " 


[Aa the Poem it not of equal merit throughout we only quote the first Stanza. 


(By Authority, according to the " Gardeners' Magazine.") 

YE Custom-Honse officers keep a look-out 
The coasts of Great Britain and Ireland about, 
At all ports, English, Cambrian, Irish, and Scotch, 
Against a bold Smuggler far worse than Will Watch. 

Look sharp, or h '11 smuggle himself, contraband 
More fearful than Cavendish, into our land, 
Concealed in Canadian cargoes, or freights 
Arriving in vessels from Yankeedom's States. 

Cute rascal, he '11 try out of vision to hide, 
Because he 's detected as soon as descried, 
Being plainly marked out, as with figures or types, 
By colours resembling the Stars and the Stripes. 

He looks like a lady-bird a* to his kind. 
A j '\. big S er ' and longer from front to behind ; 
And the stripes which the vagabond bears on his wings 
istingmsn that plague from those innocent things. 

His colours, however, are yellow and black, 
borne spots of the last at the top of his back, 
*ive stripes of the same on one side, and five more 
On the other ; in heraldry Sable on Or. 

His name 's Colorado ; wherever he goei 
He devours every precious potato that grows. 

Entomology's doctors the title have stuck to him 
Of Doryfera decemlineata bad luck to him ! 

Look out for this foe, worse than 'tater disease, 
Aboard ships, inside sacks, upon wharves, and on quays, 
Under sheds, in all packages, bundles, and bales, 
In fact anything brought us by steam or by sails. 

Tide-waiters, and Searchers, and Coast-Guard, and all, 

Prepare on this Smuggler self-smuggled to fall, 

To put down a foot on him, wheresoe'er found, 

And squash him and squelch him to smash on the ground. 

It may not be easy, or possible quite. 

To stamp out a murrain, a fever, or blight ; 

But at least we can stamp beetles out if they show 

When seen, serve this vicious American so. 

The Better Way with Betting-House Keepers. 

THE proprietor of a sporting journal the other day pleaded guilty 
at Guildhall to a charge of having kept his house open for betting 
purposes, the repetition of an offence for which he was fined 100 
about a year ago. His counsel, on the plea of domestic affliction 
and dangerous illness, "asked that he might not be sent to prison 
without a fine." SIR ROBERT CABDEN, with some hesitation, decided 
merely to fine him dSlOO and 5 5. costs.'.but added that " in all 
future cases imprisonment without fine would be inflicted on such 
offenders." Perhaps it would be better that they should " not be 
sent to prison without a fine," but smartly fined in addition to being 

y t* 


I-H O 

H *^ 

fcS ?2 

> Q 


- O 

H ^ 

^ W 


Is o 

S o v* 


3 O 






CD _. 

s ^ 

5^ GO 







JANUARY 13, 1877.] 




(By One who Knows his Footman.) 

KVEKAI. magnificent 
Parka, one leading 
out of the other ; 
then a gorgeous 

'den' full of tro- 
ol plants and 
vers, a fresh and 
grant tangle of 
greenery, a musical, 
melodious, mur- 
muring melange of 
birds, fountains, 
fruit - trees, lakes, 
and mountains. 
Always bine sky, 
and always sun- 
shine and soft sweet 
breezes. Such the 
surroundings of the 

The House itself. 
A noble building of 
marble and precious 
stones, now remind- 
ing one of the 

Louvre, now of Hampton Court, now of Belvoir Castle. A quaint old place, 
with immense stacks of red brick chimneys, heaps of bronze doors, and hundreds 
of latticed windows. A home for a CROMWELL, a NAPOLEON THE GKEAT, or an 
EDWARD THE CONFESSOR. At the back, twenty square miles of good mixed 
shooting, and a hundred leagues of trout-stream. 

The Servants' Offices excellent. A splendid suite of apartments for the 
Butler, with a secret passage leading from the comfortable library into the 
cellar. An airy pantry, with cupboards full of plate. A nicely-furnished 
Housekeeper's Room, the very place for wit and comfort. A Servants' Hall 
ever ready to extend its hospitality to litterateurs. And the employes, in their 
powdered hair and magnificent uniforms of plush smalls and yellow coats nice, 
amiable, unaffected men. full of anecdotes of Him the Great Man it is their 
pride to serve. From the Butler himself down to the young gentleman in 
buttons all equally chatty and confidential. 

Up-Stairs. Gold, silver, and blue brocade. Here is the Hall where the 
Great Man puts his umbrella and hat. That unpretending bronze peg is the 
one upon which he hangs his overcoat. Yonder cupboard hides his well- 
worn wide-awake, his hunting-whips, his favourite rods, and his short pipe. 
The Great Man, when he can escape from his followers, delights in a ramble 
across country. He will start at four in the morning, and, whistling to half-a- 
dozen dogs (a retriever, two foxhounds, a Newfoundland, a bull-terrier, and 
a pug), will, thus followed, hunt for hours the artful rabbit or the wily snipe. 
Then he will drop in at a country inn, and dine on the simplest fare some soup, 
a little fish, a few entrees, and a bird. But this he will do only when he has 
some particular chum staying with him such as His Royal Highness fresh 
from Marlborough House, or my LOUD BEACONSPIELD. On State days he will 
remain in the gold drawing-room, in his simple but effective costume of black 
velvet slashed with red satin, giving audiences to the great [and noble. 
Courteous to the last degree, he bows his guest into the jewelled chair, and 
talks for five minutes. Then he rises, and another graceful bow proclaims 
the interview at an end. But he is an inveterate smoker, and never appears 
without a homely " yard of clay " hanging from between his lips. 

His wardrobe contains all sorts of magnificent costumes, the gifts (in great 
part) of his admirers. Here is the Court dress of a North American Indian, 
there the mufti of a Field-Marshal of Pern ; yonder (thrown about in confusion) 
are a number of patents of nobility. The Orders of Knighthood (of which the 
Great Man possesses sixty-seven) are not here to-day. They have been sent down 
to the footman's pantry to be brushed up with the rest of the plate. 

And how does the Great Man spend his day ? At five he wakes, and takes a 
cup of tea with two lumps of sugar in it. Then he dashes into a swimming-bath , 
and atterwards spends a couple of hours in his private gymnasium. After this 
he is ready for his secretaries. Ten of them enter his study (a small apartment, 
full of books, desks, and magnificent extra-sized chandeliers), and read to him 
his correspondence. As his letters number on the average two thousand a post, 
his secretaries read them simultaneously to save time. Then comes breakfast 
a simple meal of coffee, claret, lobster, mushrooms, muffins, pig's fry (a dish of 
which he is particularly fond) a few pates defoie gras, and perhaps a haunch of 
venison, or a canvas-back. After breakfast the usual business of the day 
commences. From noon till two o'clock he writes. He is a quick thinker, and 
works last. In these two hours he will sometimes knock off at one sitting a 
five-act comedy, a draught treaty of commerce, and a three- volume novel. At 
two he sees the Ambassadors, giving precedence to the French as the repre- 
sentative of an unfortunate people. Then come the German, the Russian, the 
Italian, and the Austro-Hungarian. Of late he has refused to see the Turkish 
Ambassador. It is scarcely necessary to add that the Great Man talks to each 

foreigner in bis visitor's native tongue. After the 
Ambassadors come the statesmen. LORD HARTINGTON 
is put into the Red Room, while SIR STAFFORD NORTH- 
COTE lounges in the Blue. 

Even if each visitor should receive no more than the 
regulation five minutes, these interviews consume 
several hours. At six, the Great Man devotes some 
forty-five minutes to recreation. It is at this time that 
he meets his greatest friends en petit comite. The brown 
boudoir (furnished in the Oriental fashion with couches 
and Old Masters) rings with the laugh of ALFRED TKNXV- 
SON, the chuckle of CARLTLE, the soft "ha-ha" of 
CHARLES READE, and the boisterous merriment of MR. 
GLADSTONE. The rare old glasses at these times mirror 
the faces of such men as SIR WILFRID LAWSON, the 
Scotland. Then comes dinner, a glorious meal with a 
menu a yard long ; and then the Great Man goes out to 
be petted and feted by Society, to dance with the 
Duchess of This, and to flirt with the Countess of That. 
At these times he refuses to talk business. BISMARCK 
may telegraph and ROTHSCHILDS may follow him about, 
but to no good his rule has not an exception. When 
he requires country air, a hearty welcome awaits him at 
Balmoral, Sandringham, and Osborne. He refuses daily 
invitations from the Elysefc, and the imperial palaces of 
Vienna, St. Petersburg and Berlin ; ho hates ceremony 
with its guards of honour, its court-banquets, and military 
reviews. He likes to be with his friends, and when he 
pays a visit, only takes with him half-a-dozen of his 
valets, and a few cordons bleus. And what is the name 
of this truly Great Man? The question is easily 
answered. The name of this truly Great Man is 
Mr. Punch. 


NEVER pay your subscription until you have obtained 
post rank. Modern Chios collapse so suddenly that 
it is well to be on the safe side ; oesides, you gain the 
interest of the money and get your name advertised free 

Always run down the Club when you are in ; even call 
it a pot-house. The other members will, of course, think 
that you belong to several superior Clubs, and love you 

Always swear at the Waiters. It is not included in 
their wages, but they regard it as a perquisite. 

No Club Man, who is wise, ever buys a new umbrella. 
Why should he, when so many men daily do it for him ? 
The time for the best is between seven and eight, when 
members are pretty safe in the dining-room. 

If you take a fancy to any engraving in the rarer 
library books cut it out when no one is by. If the 
Committee inform you that this is dishonest, reply that 
that may be their impression, but that you prefer proofs. 

When the Smoking-room Waiter brings you the 
cigar-box, ask boldly and loudly, "Which are the 
eighteen-penny ones?" and select quietly a twopenny 
cheroot. So you gain at a minimum of expenditure 
one of the greatest advantages of wealth. 

Invariably black-ball men who are put up for election 
by either your proposer or seconder. As in nine cases 
out of ten we nave cause to regret introducing men as 
members of our Club, you will be doing your friends an 
unobtrusive yet essential service. 

Stare at strangers as though they" were some new 
form of wild beasts. You dont pay an entrance-fee and 
innual subscription to have your Club turned into an 
hotel. Besides, other members' friends are always cads. 

When the conversation turns, upon books, though the 
only two you know are your laundress's and an old Ruff, 
speak ainly of your " library." That at the Museum is 
as much yours OB it is anybody's. 

Get hold of a lord if you can, even though it be but an 

Irish peer ; invite him to dinner, and take care that 

everyone knows who he is. After he is gone, shrug your 

shoulders, call him "Poor devil!" and hint that you 

' dessay he 's glad of a dinner." So you score doubly. 

When compelled to speak of your three-pair-back, 
allude to it as your "chambers; and to SALLY, your 
fifteen years' old maid-of-all-work as your " man. ' 

Back your bill daily. Complain of the cigars, dinner, 



[JANUARY 13, 1877. 



wine, coals, gas, and attendance, and you '11 soon be a Committee- 
man yourself. Then you can snub other grumblers. 

Pocket the Club stationery. It is far cheaper than buying your 
own, and it is only wasted at the Club. 

Wear your hat in every part of the house. It informs strangers 
of the fact that you are a member, and is an altogether dignified 
and becoming method of asserting your proprietorship. This is a rule 
to be rigidly observed when any member happens to be showing a 
party of ladies over the house. 

Keep new members at arm's length : let them clearly understand 
that, while you are compelled to tolerate their presence, you are by 
no means certain that they are not swindlers and vagabonds. 

By observing these few rules, and some others which Mr. Punch 
may furnish you with upon another occasion, you will, in time, be- 
come a most popular member of your Club, and when in the fulness 
of time you die, your place will not easily be filled. 



IT is verily gratifying to see friends E. F. GROOM and 
J. PLIMPTON, Churchwardens of St. James's, ' Hatcham, and up- 
holders of friend TOOTH in his defiance of the law and the Court of 
Arches, seemingly in a way to arrive at a sense of his position and 
their own. Thou hast doubtless read their letter to the Timei, 
wherein they say : 

" We are not such a mall body ai many think ; the English Church Union 
and the Church of England Working-men's Society together number more 
than 25,000 Churchmen, and thee do not represent a tithe of thoie who sym- 
pathise with us." 

If not so small a body as many think, the party they belong to is 
a minority not perhaps as large as they imagine. As to the tithe 
of those who sympathise .with them, how much longer do they 
suppose members of the Church by Law Established are likely to 
continue paying tithes to Clergy whose followers have at last begun 
to discern them to be ministers of another denomination? The 
above-named friends go on to testify as follows : 

" It ia said we are lawless. No more lawless, I take it, Sir, than Noncon- 
formists were when they refused to pay Church-rates, which were then imposed 
by the law of England, by permitting their goods to be seized rather than give 
up the principle for which they were contending that citizens should not be 
compelled to support a religious institution against their consciences ; so we, 
for principle, are determined to suffer loss of property, and of liberty if need 
be, for the maintenance of the right of the Church of England to govern her- 
self in spiritual matters without interference from secular authority." 

When friends GROOM and PLIMPTON, on the part of friend TOOTH 
and his adherents, describe themselves as representing the Church, 
those three said friends doubtless remind thee of three other such, 
the celebrated apparel-makers .of Tooley Street, who styled them- 
selves the People of England. Whilst, however, with one breath 
our Hatcham friends claim to typify the Church whose Government 
they disown, thou seest that with the other they compare themselves 
to Nonconformists ; and it may be hoped that they will soon discover 
how nearly they resemble them, the resemblance being precisely 
such as one pea bears to another. They persist in practising rites and 
ceremonies of their own, and refusing to conform to those of the 
Established Church by Law matters of ritual prescribed by that 
Law as interpreted by its legal Judges ; and it is notorious that 
their Nonconformity as to postures and gestures signifies Noncon- 
formity of opinions also. Wherein, then, do their Ministers differ 
from friend SPUHGEON, friend PARKER, friend NEWMAN HALL, and 
the Nonconformists who sit under those and other Nonconforming 
friends? In two important but unessential particulars. They 
preach and practise their Nonconformity within the steeple-houses 
and other edifices of the Establishment, instead of Salems and 
Ebener ers of their own, and they sack the Established hire. Other- 
wise it is manifest to every creature above a donkey, and, from the 
avowals above quoted, appears to be dawning upon even their own 
intellects, that they are all of them, laity and clergy, no more and 
no less out-and-out thorough-going Nonconformists and Dissenters 
than friends CHADBAND and STIGOINS Dissenters and Nonconformists 
though of a different colour from the drab which distinguishes the 
" vestments " of thy broad-brimmed Friend, OBADIAH. 

SCURVY OUTBREAK. The attacks on the Arctic Expedition. 

JANUARY 13, 1877.] 




Gerald (who has been listening with exemplary patience). "MAMMA, WHIN is HE GOING TO TALK 



IT may be that the relation existing be- 
tween education and crime is precisely the 
reverse at Manchester of what it will be 
found to be everywhere else. The Chaplain 
of Manchester Gaol the other day read a re- 
port declaring the experience of the Assizes 
and Sessions at Manchester to show " that 
mere reading and writing have been the 
instrumental means without the use of 
which the forger, the embezzler, the frau- 
dulent trustee, the base coiner, the false 
begging-letter writer, the dishonest ware- 
houseman and clerk, and such like, could 
not ever come into existence as criminals." 
Perhaps the development instead of the pre- 
vention of crime by education is peculiar to 
Manchester. Otherwise School Boards will 
not be found such economical institutions as 
it was predicted they would. An outlay in 
education rates, instead of being repaid by 
reduction of county rates will simply neces- 
sitate augmented local taxation for prison 
expenses. But let us hope it is an excep- 
tional and not a general fact, that the 
Three R's are conducive to the growth of 
a fourth R Roguery. 


THE (h'F.KN as the Star of India. 

The Sm.TAN as the Injured Innocent. 

The EMPEROR OF RCSSIA as the Two- 
headed Dilemma. 

MIDHAT PASHA as Chen-Bounce. 

LORD SALISBURY as the Pilot who .did 
his best to weather the storm. 



MB. GLADSTONE as Cerberus, the three- 
headed Janitor ofj the gates of London, 
Rome, and Constantinople. 

MR. JOHN BRIGHT as the Angel with the 
Olive Branch. 

MR. TENNYSON as Harold-Hard-writer. 

GEORGE'.ELIOT as the Poet of MOSES & Co. 

MR. SWINBURNE as the Blush Rose. 

MR. CAKLYLE as the Cremorne Hermit. 

DR. SLA D E as the 'Possum up a Gum Tree. 

MR. SPURGEON as the Christian Minstrel. 


WHAT, in the name of common sense, could the Vicar and Church- 
wardens of Wadsley Bridge have meant by objecting to the bat, balls, 
and stumps on the tombstone of BENJAMIN KEETON, the Cricketer, 
with the loving and Christian inscription, which, thanks to the 
kindness of a Sheffield Correspondent, a Cricketer too, Punch is 
glad to be able to append : 

" Farewell, dear wife, my life is past : 
My lore was true until the last. 
Then think of me, nor Borrow take, 
But lore my Saviour for my sake." 

Altogether we never heard of a more creditable gravestone : nor is 
this professional symbolism a new thing in the tombstones of those 
parts. The Vicar and Churchwardens may see in Wadsley Bridge 
Churchyard a Musician's tombstone, with its music-bars and the 
notes of HANDEL'S sublime strain, " The trumpet shall sound and the 
dead shall be raised?' carved upon it ; and a Blacksmith's, charged 
with the hammer and pincers flanking the horseshoe of his grimy but 
useful occupation. 

Did not the Vicar at least know whatever the Churchwardens 
may have known that in the good old times this carving on the 
tombstone of the implements of the sleeper's handicraft, beginning 
with the Soldier's sword and the Dame's distaff, was an almost 
universal practice ? And bat and balls were KEETON'S tools as a 
professional Cricketer. 

Then, if we turn from the practice in the matter to the principle 
at the bottom of it, where can be the objection to what is a mere 
record of the sleeper's craft true labour wherein was one of his 
life's best prayers, gui laborat. orat, but a record addressed to 
the eye, at once picturesque, and encouraging local art; instructive, 
as showing what trade implements have been ; directly intelligible, 

and more vivid in its appeal to the memory than any description 
in words would be, wliilo infinitely closer to the fact than most 
monumental enumerations of the virtues of the departed your 
grave-stone mason being the one recorder who observes the law, 
more charitable than honest, de mortuii nil nisi bonum. 

The more Punch considers the matter, the more he feels inclined, 
instead of objecting to the practise of such symbolic stone-cutting, 
to wish it were everywhere restored in English Churchyards, till the 
proverb should run " True as a tombstone," instead of " False as 
an epitaph." 

We are glad to find that Wadsley Bridge Vicar and Churchwar- 
dens having thought of it, have naturally thought better of it, and 
have determined to leave BENJAMIN KEETON'S bat, balls, and stumps 
where his widow has placed them. 

January Summer. 
AN advertisement announces that : 

" Cherry Ripe ! is commenced in the January Number of the Tfmple Bar 

Here is indeed a proof of the extraordinary mildness of the 

season ! 


WE see advertised extensively " Inexhaustible Salts, as supplied 
to the QUEEN." What a pity that they were not supplied to the 
Admiralty in time for issue to the last Arctic Expedition ! 

POKER red-hot banished from Pantomime, has been received 
with open arms at some fashionable London Clubs. 



[JANUARY 13, 1877. 


Theatre Royal, Delhi. 

BECISELY within a 
week of Christmas 
Day there has been 
exhibited in the 
Capital of India a 
spectacle curiously 
similar to those 
magnificent displays 
with which the sen- 
timents inspired by 
that solemn season 
are wont to be|de- 
monstrated in the 
Metropolis of the 
British Empire. The 
proclamation of Her 
Majesty's Imperial 
title at Delhi on New 
Year's Day was at- 
tended with cere- 
mony and pageant 
l'ust as much calcu- 
lated to astonish and 
gratify the ^natives 
privileged to witness 
it as analogous 
pomps and splendour 
here to amaze and 
delight the youthful 
mind. The scene on 
the plain three miles 
north of the Vice- 
regal camp at Delhi ; 
the amphitheatre 
and dais the circu- 
lar platform of light 
blue framework, re- 
lieved by illumi- 
nated panels alternatelyWisplaying'the Royal Arms and the Imperial 
Crown intermingled with the Imperial Initials, with its umbrella- 
shaped canopy of red, white, and gold supported on gilt posts over- 
head ; the gorgeously-coloured semicircle of seats reserved for the 
native grandees and high officials under its white awning fringed 
with blue, and resting on white and gilt figures decorated with flags 
and festoons ; the attendant troops and guards of honour ; the pic- 
turesque costumes and uniforms of the guests and visitors ; theViCE- 
EOY and LADY LYTTON riding in a gilt howdah on a huge elephant, 
followed by their children on another, and attended by a gigantic 
sham-herald, MAJOB BABNES, in a tabard surreptitiously copied from 
the real thing, its wearer ignorant of all connection with the College 
in Doctors' Commons,'and grievous to the soul of Garter, Clareneeux, 
and Dragon Rouge, but attired in two hundred pounds' worth of 
heraldic Tiabiliments ; the sixty-three ruling Chiefs in attendance 
with their military retainers ; the Isalute of a hundred guns : the 
feu-de-joie fired by the soldiers ; the glare, glitter, and parade of 
the whole show must have resembled nothing so exactly as the Trans- 
formation Scene of a Christmas Pantomime. This resemblance was 
rendered all the closer by the piece of dumb show, performed by 
LOUD LYTTON, of hanging commemorative medals about the necks 
of the native Chiefs, and by the delivery of the Proclamation, 
spoken by MAJOB BAENES after an appropriate flourish of trumpets ; 
only the Proclamation was not, as it might have been, cast in heroic 
verse. And there was" one particular in which the comparison be- 
tween the Durbar at Delhi and the Pantomimes at Drury Lane and 
Covent Garden certainly cannot he sustained. There was no bene- 
ficent fairy present to turn any of the characters in the scene into 
Harlequin and Columbine, not to mention Clown and Pantaloon. 
However, the whole display served admirably to typify the supre- 
macy over barbaric magnificence assumed and asserted by Civilisa- 

Flames Male and Female. 

AT the Royal Institution, the other evening, in the third lecture 
of the "juvenile course," DB. GLADSTONE described "the various 
kinds of flames." Among these, however, from a report of his 
lecture, he appears to have made no mention 'of the " old flame " 
remembered by most men as once so extremely bright and beauti- 
ful, but as liable to grow in the hard hands of Time quite the revrse 
of either beautiful or bright. 


RESEARCH. The President and Council of the Royal Society have resolved 
to advise the Committee of Council on Education to expend the above-named 
Fund in aiding Scientific Research : 1. By conferring grants on Competent 
Persons, or by offering Prizes of considerable value for the solution of Pro- 
blems. 2. By meeting applications from Persons desirous of undertaking 
Investigations. 3. By applying Funds for Computation, the Formation of 
Tables of Constants, and other laborious and unremunerative Scientific work. 
Applications are to be addressed to the Secretaries of the Royal Society, 
Burlington House, London, W., marked [Government Fund]." 

THIS announcement has naturally produced great excitement in 
the Scientific World. The letter-box of the Royal Society is daily 
choked with applications. We append a few of the more remark- 
able of these appeals. 


FOE years past I have consecrated all my leisure to per- 
fecting a discovery which will produce results beyond the power of 
the most Oriental imagination to realise. I am as certain as I am 
of the rise of to-morrow's sun, or the visit of the tax-collector, that 
a grant of 50 or, to prevent the possibility of failure, say 100 
would enable me to bring my experiments to a successful issue, and 
confer on the Royal Society the enviable distinction of having been 
the medium of revealing to the world a long latent secret. I mean 
that of Perpetual Motion. 

88, Chimera Crescent, N. W. P. GBEEN MOONING. 

DEAK Sin, Jan. 6, 1877. 

I HAVE not slept a moment, for pardonable excitement since 
I read of the intentions of bur glorious, great-hearted, chivalrous 
Government, to grant 4000 for Scientific Research. A cheque for 
150 (not crossed} will put me in possession of the means of procuring 
apparatus and chemicals, the only things wanting to enable me to 
complete the last link in a chain of experiments Which will, which 
shall, which must culminate in the transmutation of all the baser 
metals into genuine, solid, virgin GOLD. 

Yours in haste (for the Laboratory waits), 

2A, Little Stickleback Street, E. EUPHOBBIUS WHISTLETON. 

276, Dock Avenue, Liverpool, 

GENTLEMEN, &A l"'^- 

PEAY use your influence with the Government to get me 
awarded a grant of 500 to 1000, to aid me in showing that the whole 
system of Modern Astronomy is radically wrong. The prevailing 
notions of the configuration of the earth (ridiculously called one of 
the heavenly bodies), the composition of the sun and its distance 
from our globe, and the absence of life in the moon, I have over and 
over again proved to the satisfaction of myself and my friends, to 
be as gross delusions as the belief in the philosopher's stone and the 
divining rod of former ages. I only require the trifle I have men- 
tioned to put my convictions on such a base of absolute certainty, 
that the world shall hail me as the greatest Scientific Reformer 
since the days of COPEBNICUS, GALILEO, and TYCHO BBAHE. 



I AM ready to sell to the Government my infallible specifics 
for sea-sickness and hydrophobia, which have never been known to 
fail since my great-grandfather first brought the prescriptions with 
him from the Vale of Cashmere. My terms are 4000 cash. 
Your obedient Servant, 

Isle of Dogs, E., Jan. 1, 1877. ANDKEW MAC CANNTB. 

MY DEAB SIES, The Crib, James Wattville, Manchester. 

A NEW motive power is within my grasp, which will render 
steam as obsolete as the pack-horse and the stage-waggon. I am 
impeded in my experiments by the want of means to procure mate- 
rial, machinery, skilled labour, and workshops. I want only but 
2000 for all this. Plead for me for a grant to that amount, and 
you will place me (and yourselves) on the same pedestal of fame as 



Miss KATHLEEN O'COEKEY is anxious to engage in the following 
computations : 

1. The number of penny postage-stamps it would take to go round 
the world. 

2. The number and cost of the umbrellas now in use in Great 
Britain and Ireland. 

3. The value of the waste paper annually burnt or thrown away in 
GreatB ritain, Scotland, and Wales. 

She trusts the Government will allow her an annuity of 250 
until her calculations are completed. 
Thomas Moore Street, Dublin. Friday Evening. 

JANUARY 20, 1877.] 






THE'legend of POPE JOAN may or may not be authentic ; but the 
possibility, at least, of a female Pope is manifest from the positive 
fact that there are female Parsons. For this is a fact beyond all 
doubt. A great many, if not the greater part, of the Ritualist 
Clergy are evidently Ladies who, having contrived to conceal their 
sex, nave gone to Theological Training Colleges, got themselves or- 
dained, and crept into the Church in disguise. Now, when they have 
obtained curacies and livings, their irrepressible passion for finery 
crops up. They bedizen themselves in all manner of gowns and petti- 
coats under the name of ' ' vestments," and they decorate the Churches 
in which they officiate, or have them decorated, in a style of orna- 
mentation befitting only boudoirs or dressing-rooms. A Lincoln- 
shire paper, itself apparently edited by a girl, reports under the 
head of Claxby, in a sympathetic spirit, particulars of some recent 
ecclesiastical adornments, of which the conception is evidently 
feminine, or at any rate the product of a man-milliner's brain. 
ME. WOKTH, perhaps, suggested some of the fal-lals under- 
mentioned : 

" SAINT MART'S CHDECH. We are pleased to hear that several handsome 
offerings were made to this church, on Christmas Day, by parishioners, more 
than a hundred of whom had shown their appreciation of the many privileges 
they enjoy in this sacred edifice, devoting some portion of their substance to 
provide the necessary adjuncts for the worship of the altar. The gifts, pre- 
viously set apart to the use of the Church, consisted of a complete set of nicely 
embroidered altar linen (the veils surrounded with Ince), a white silk veil and 
burse, richly embroidered in gold ; a book-stand for the alter, a pair of vases, 
n pair of vesper lights to hold six candles, these all being of polished brass." 

All this reads exactly like the description of a lady's boudoir. 
The altar with appurtenances such as " nicely embroidered linen," 
" veils surrounded with lace," a " white silk veil and burse richly 
embroidered with gold," a " pair of vases," and " a pair of vesper 
lights to hold six candles," must as nearly as possible resemble a 
toilet-table. The vases may be taken to be meant to hold perfumes, 
the six candles held in the pair of vesper lights to stand beside a 
looking-glass, and the book-stand to support a fashion-book. Such 
an altar can be imagined only as an altar of Venus, or but an altar 
figuratively so called, an altar of Beauty, at which she sits and 
worships herself. No male Cleric could possibly permit the altar at 

which he serves to be tricked out in the fantastic manner above 
specified. Altars. so tricked out, however, are now numerous; and 
the Clergy who direct or permit their decoration may style them- 
selves Priests, but are unquestionably Priestesses, every Reverend 
Man Jack of them. 

The " altar " at St. Mary's Church, Claxby, seems to have been 
arrayed besides with trappings of which some may be pictured by 
imagination as setting off a sort of doll or dummy. In continuation 
of toe foregoing account of the habiliments and trimmings it is 
garnished withal, we are told that 

"A member of the guild presented a handsome white silk frontal for the 
altar richly embroidered in gold and blue with stoles of the same. A glass 
water cruet, having upon it the sacred monogram, and a prettily worked mat 
for the fold-stool, were the offerings of another. . . . We need scarcely add 
that the church, as usual at festivals, had been beautifully decorated. The 
altar and reredos were clothed with the light of countless candles." 

An altar described as clothed not only with " the light of count- 
less candles," but also with a "frontal and "stoles" embroidered 
in pretty colours, presents the confused idea of something not so 
much like an altar as an image or effigy. Perhaps the altar that 
has been clad in stoles will next be attired in skirts and a long 
train, and the frontal it has now on will be supplemented with a 
chignon. Anyhow we may be assured that all the clerical Persons, 
with whose sanction or by whose arrangement altars have been put 
into that attire, are qualified by gender to wear the like themselves. 
Many people expect such ecclesiastics to show the cloven hoof. They 
will never do that exactly, but it is more than probable that before 
long one of them will put out from under fringes and flounces some- 
thing like it a foot embellished with a fashionable high-heeled 
fancy shoe. And perhaps the Court of Arches will soon be further 
set at defiance by Clergywomen playing Priestesses, and, notwith- 
standing inhibition and force of law, continuing to masquerade not 
only in the Millinery they now wear themselves, bat insisting on 
dressing up their Churches as gaily and gaudily as their persons. 


MAKE Hay in wet weather. Take opportunity to store water, 
he midst of rain remember drought. 





[JANUARY 20, 1877. 


THE Doctors gathered in the Sick Man's room, 

To hold high Conference on the patient's cris : s, 
As he lay in extremis under doom 

From long decay, blood-poisoning, and phthisis. 
Some hot Sangrados were for prompt blood-letting ; 

Some milder spirits were for euthanasia ; 
While others held the only hope was getting 

The patient to a health-resort in Asia. 
The Sick Man, a sly Reynard, though his mien 

Was mild as say the breaat of a young Turkey- 

Saw that his doctors' hands were aught hut clean, 

Their diagnosis dark, their motives murky ; 
So, springing up with unexpected powers. 

And scattering pills and potions tar and wide, 
" Throw physic to the dogs, ye dogs of Giaours ! 

I '11 none of it ! " the impatient patient cried. 
" A fig for your strait- waistcoats ! Better spare 

Drastics and tonics, or I '11 let you see 
That I 've played ' Le Malade Imaginaire,' 

As some of you ' Le Medecin Malgre Lui.' " 

Lying Like Truth. 

IN the first number of a new journal called Truth, was a paragraph 
charging the house of LEWIS AND ALLENBY with " sounding the war- 
pipe, and sending the fiery cross to their clansmen, whenever Miss 
ELLEN or Miss MAEION TERBY appears in a new part," in other words, 
with organising a claque to applaud these ladies. MB. A. J. LEWIS 
writes, requesting Punch, as he has requested the. Times, Telegraph, 
Daily News, and Standard, to say there is not a word of truth in 
thejparagraph. He has called upon Truth to make public his denial. 

In doing so, Truth, in effect, reiterates the false statement, though, in 
terms, withdrawing the charge against MR. LEWIS in person. Jf this 
be a sample of the utterances we are to expect from the new journal, 
we shall nave to change the old proverb from " Truth lies in a Well-' 
to " Truth lies in a Column." 


MBS. MALAPBOP declares that the courage of MB. TOOTH reminds 
her of C^ESAB'S when he stepped over the Rubricon. 

JANUARY 20, 1877.] 




Visitor (to newly-married Frieiul). " I WAS ADMIRING TOUR LITTLK CARRIAGE, 
MRS. McLucKiE, so " 

Mrs. McLuckic. " OH, THE BROUGHAM 1 YES ; YOU 'VB no IDE*. WHAT A 




DEAK MB. PUNCFI, Jan - 9 - ls77 - 

AMONG our many wrongs there is one in par- 
ticulara bitter grievance which hitherto we have 
borne with tolerable patience, in the hope that either 
from repletion, or shame, the opposite Sex would desist 
from their monopoly of that costly luxury the Oyslrr. 
They may be seen daily ranged in rows along the 
counters whore these expensive bivalves are dispensed, 
like beetles round a dish of treacle, gluttonously devour- 
ing (regardless of cost), and depriving us of our home 
share in the seductive shell-fish. 

Now, do be kind enough. Mr. Punch, to persuade those 
dear Oysters to give us an Atllorae," and invite us to the 
feast, when, I am persuaded, their tender feelings would 
readily induce them to make a voluntary sacrifice for 
the Ladies, and to come down at least from three-and- 
sixpence to half-a-crown the dozen. 

With perfect confidence that you will take up our 
cause, I remain, dear Mr. Punch, 

Your Constant Reader, JCSTITIA. 


FIVE-SIXTHS of the Statues within the Two-Mile 
Radius, with George the Fourth and the Duke of York's 
Column at their head. 

Most of the Music Halls. 

The publishing offices of the Penny Dreadfuls, and 
shops for the sale of robber and ruffian romances. 

Two-thirds of the Gin Palaces. 

The advertisement hoardings at every street corner. 

A large per-centage of the Skating Kinks. 

The shops of adulterating Tradesmen. 

MR. GLADSTONE'S pens and inkstand, and all the 
records of LOBD BEACONSFIELD'S recent speeches. 

Exeter Hall, and all theatres without sufficient exits. 

The more rotten part of the Stock Exchange. 

Tuttersall's, and the card and billiard-rooms of certain 
West End Clubs. 

And last, but not least, Temple Bar, and three-fourths 
of the Municipal monuments in London and the Provinces. 

most Dailies. 


a weekly edition of the Times is stronger than 


Or, Reckoning Without the Builders. 

SCENE The Dining-Room in a house constructed upon Dr. Richard- 
son's principles. Overhead (L) the Kitchen with I lift-communi- 
cation to the lower floors. Overhead (R and c) the Roof Garden. 
MR. inn! MRS. BROWN discovered patiently awaiting breakfast. 

Mr. Brown. At last we reap the benefit of our outlay. At a very 
moderate cost we are living in a flat. 

Mrs. Brown. MR. FUNNIMAN said the builder was living on a tint , 
and he smiled when he said it. What did he mean, ALGERNON ? 

Mr. Brown. Some sorry jest, unworthy of a moment's thought. 
Nay, LAURA, believe me, a joke is no argument, and facts cannot be 
blown away by epigrams. At a very moderate cost the worthy 
STUCCO has run us up a house. 

Mrs. Brown. And a bill. I saw the total, ALGERNON, and it was 

Mr. Brown. Health, my dear, is priceless, and with this bill we 
hare purchased health. Our staircase is outside our dwelling rooms. 

Mrs. Brown. But our staircase leaks. 

Our lift 

if broken crockery. 

.., , j shameful, Mum! 

This is the second time the lift has stopped suddenly, after coming 
down with a run, and knocked me over. It 's always out of order. 

Mr. Brown. Never mind, MARY. STUCCO shall be sent for to set 
the lift to-rights. And now to breakfast. For the last three hours 
the odours wafted down the left shaft from the kitchen have warned 
me to expect something savoury. 

Mary. But, please, all the things is spiled, Sir. 

Mr. Brown. Then get some more. 

Mary. Then, please, if you 'd ask Cook yourself, Sir. She 's in 

an awful temper, and won't do a mortal thing for me. She says she 
can't abear the kitchen ; that the wall leaks all round, and the son 
makes the place too hot to hold her. She says she never worked in 
a cock-loft before. 

Mr. Brown. You must combat these idle prejudices, MARY. (An 
awful noise without.) Good Heavens ! what 's that, I wonder ! Go, 
MARY, and see what 's gone amiss. [Exit MARY. 

Mrs. Brown. I am sure the children must have tumbled into the 
street, from the conservatory on the roof. 

Mr. Brown. I trust not. What a comfort it is that in this 
" flat " system we can hear and smell everything. By the way, my 
darling, do not order onions again, for the perfume hangs about the 
place for hours, and even days. (Enter ERNEST.) Now, my eldest 
son, how does the world treat you f 

Ernest. Excellently well, for it has permitted me to commit a 
series of crimes meriting the longest punishments. Father, I have 
forged your name, robbed the bank in which I occupied a clerk's 
desk, and committed bigamy. 

Mrs. Brown (aghast). ERNEST ! My son ! Are you mad ? 

Ernest. I never was more sane. 1 ather, Mother, I am two-and- 
twenty, and can judge for myself. I have deliberately chosen the 
path of crime. 

Mr. Brown. Unhappy boy, who can save you ? 

Ernest (pointing to police-officer, who enters, and arrests him). 
This worthy representative of the law. Tell me, good constable, 
how long shall I be imprisoned ? 

Police- Officer. Well, Sir, it should be a lifer. 

Ernest. Do not weep, Father. Nay, Mother, dry your eyes. Im- 
prisonment in England means life. I should have died in these 
imperfectly ventilated rooms. In a prison I shall live and thrive. 
According to DR. RICHARDSON, our gaol is the most perfect of 
dwelling-houses. Our model prisons contain the purest air, the 
most equable temperature, the dryest and cleanest walls, the 



[JANUARY 20, 1877. 

cleanest floors and kitchens. Epidemic disease is under instant 
control. Disease from exposure to extremes of atmospheric varia- 
tion, from impure air (except by the grossest neglect), excess, or 
want, from uncleanliness, personal or general, are out of the 
question. In a word, the occupant of the modern prison-house is 
subjected, practically, to none other than his acquired or inherited 
diseases. On the whole, the prison population (in spite of mental 
suffering) is healthy above all classes. In winter the gaol popula- 
tion decreases in weight, in summer it increases, with a physiological 
precision like the procession of the seasons. But it retains its health 
so strikingly that, in some cases, as ME. EDWIN CHADWICK has 
shown, its death-rate is actually reduced to 3 in 1000. Do you not 
like the picture ? 
Mr. Brown. Logical, but unhappy boy 

(Terrific crash. Enter MABY, hurriedly.) 

Mary. Please, Sir, the walls of the top flat have guv' way, and 
the garden is a-coming into the kitchen, and Cook's unsensible 
under a heap o' flower-pots I 

(Scene closes in in more senses than one.) 




A CKOWD of carriages drawn 
up before a quaint cot- 
tage, taking one back, 
somehow, to Florence, 
Lucerne, and Boulogne. 
The first, a magnificent 
family chariot, with an 
embroidered hammer- 
cloth, gorgeous with ar- 
morial bearings in the 
first gloss of newness. A 
carriage with a splendid 
pair of 400-guinea step- 
pers, flecked with foam on 
neck and poitrail, under 
the chafe of the bearing- 
rein; the coachman with a 
wig and bouquet, the 
three footmen powdered. 
Then a tiny brougham 
quiet as a summer's eve 
without crest or motto. 
A little brougham to jump 
into without an effort, 
when its owner wishes to 
preserve his incognito. 
And yet this small ve- 
hicle, with its humble 
black body and blue-green 
wheels, is as well known' to the West-End and the Lady's MUe as 
the Lord Mayor's coach itself. In rear of the brougham a stanhope, 
aglow with ormolu mouldipgs and bright green panels picked out with 
mauve. These three carriages, that have been waiting patiently for 
hours, have only recently become the property of REYNOLDS DAUB- 
SON. At one time the great and fashionable artist was satisfied 
with a twopenny omnibus. But that was many years ago, before 
REYNOLDS DAUBSON wrote "R.A." after his name, and snubbed 
Countesses. ;, 

The story of the successful painter's rise is known to everybody 
who knows anything. How he painted noble historical pictures 
of the " Finding of the Body of Harold" for twenty 'years, without 
attracting the least attention. How, weary year after year, those 
magnificent compositions used to go into the Royal Academy in a 
furniture van, and return to their native studio on the top of a 
" growler." How REYNOLDS lost his Aunt, and came in for a legacy of 
a few thousands. How he hit upon the notion of asking the Royal 
Academicians en masse to a banquet. How three of them came. 
How he feasted those three. How he laughed at their jokes. How 
he praised their works. Then came the second, banquet, at which 
all the Forty (urged by the Three) were present. And when the 
President asked for another helping of the cheese souffle, everybody 
knew that REYNOLDS'S fortune was made. Next year he was an 
Associate ; a few months later an R.A. Now he is a recognised 
power in society as in Art. Was not his ' 'Duchess of Rosemary Lane" 
the talk of the past season ? And yet there are some who say that 
his enthusiastically belauded " Duchess " cannot be compared for a 
moment with the once despised " Harolds." They say, these critics, 
that the blossoms of his neglected spring-tide were grander in 
conception and nobler in treatment than the fruits of his ripe and 
ready autumn. But nobody agrees with them, except the Man- 

chester millionnaire who bought all those " Harolds," and has them 
hanging up in a row in his palatial drawing-room. DAUHSON has 
lived down opposition, and is resting, calmly and conscientiously, 
amid the topmost boughs of the tree Yggdrasil, the world-tree of 
Art, whose roots are in the nether slime, but whose summit strikes 
the skies; while, between, nestle all manner of uncleanly crea- 
tures picture-dealers and Art-critics the most hideous whose 
mission it is to gnaw master-pieces out of the vitals of needy genius, 
and to vex and narass the soul of the aspiring idealist. 

Before entering the cottage, look at the two policemen on the 
opposite side of the road. It is their function, no sinecure either, to 
keep order among the string of coronetted carriages in waiting, 
in rear of the three voitures de maitre. Strangers might imagine 
that the great painter was giving a matinee musicale, but the 
initiated know that the carriages belong to DAUBSON'S aristocratic 
sitters. A third policeman stands on the door-step. It is his duty 
to keep order among the titled crowds who struggle for entrance. 
Half an hour ago his services were called in to quell a riot. To 
rescue a leader of ton from being torn in pieces, was nothing for 
the sub-inspector a civil officer, who thoroughly knows his duties 
but to take two Duchesses into custody! Their Graces why 
were they not three ? are at this moment enjoying the new 
sensation of five-o'clock tea in the station-house. 

Let us enter the cottage. The hall is rather low and small and 
darkling the subtly-calculated preface of an exciting book but 
cosy. Round the walls hang plateaux of blue and white china of 
the Wang dynasty DAUBSON values no other and old English cups 
and saucers of grotesque shape,. flaring colour, and priceless value. 
The hat-stand is of ormolu. On its pegs hang two hats one very 
old, one very new. If you glance into them, you will see the name 
of DAUBSON, R.A., on the lining. He keeps the old one in memory 
of his days of unaided struggle and blithe Bohemianism ; the new 
one he wears on the rare occasions when he finds time for a drive in 
the Park. From how many a lordly carriage coquettish Brough- 
ham and aristocratic Alexandra his abstracted smile is courted all 
the length of these drives so few and far between ! Look from the 
lining of those hats to the crown, and you will see the name of 
SMITH of llegent Street. He trusted the young painter for his first 
hat, and now participates, as of right, in the golden showers, whose 
spangled 'spray, to DAUBSON'S honour, reaches every tradesman that 
showed him kindness in the days of his dwelling in Bohemia. 

From every hole and corner look out upon you, with sightless 
orbits, busts in marble and terra-cotta of the owner of this artistic 

Out of the hall open three passages. One leads to the dining- 
room, dimly lighted through windows of bottle-bottoms below, of 
small yellow-stained and flower-ornamented quarrelles (from the 
Art-glass-works of BLUE AND BLACKLEDDEES) above. Round the 
walls runs a high dado of ebony, crowned with a grey-green paper 
sparingly sprinkled with withered chrysanthemums (from the Art- 
Furniture works of MOROSE AND MAKEBELIEVE). At one end a 
towering buffet of black oak lined with green velvet, and laden 
with massive antique gold and silver plate, now glittering, now 
glooming, in a Rembrandtesque play of light and shadow. Above 
the dado, in every coign of vantage, are disposed Delft and Dresden, 
Faience of Rouen and Nevers, Rhodian plates and Etruscan vases. 
The history of the Keramic art is before you, teaching if somewhat 
disjointedly by examples. 

The second passage conducts to the basement^ story, with the 
offices and apartments of the valetaille. The butler s pantry is 
roomy and comfortable, with very cosy easy chairs; the kitchen 
small, but with an admirably devised batterie de cuisine (from the 
atelier of SMUDGE AND GEIMSBY), embracing all the latest im- 

The third passage communicates with a gallery, carpeted with lion- 
skins, giving direct access to the studio. A heavy portiere of 
Venetian cut velvet masks the entrance. Lift it with a reverent 
hand, and pause on the 'threshold of the sanctuary! 

A room of vast height and stately proportions. The walls and 
roof studded with quaintly-shaped windows and skylights, adjusted 
to suit the various exigences of illumination according to the hour 
and the season. Men in armour in all directions. The great 
painter is popular in the City ; and these splendid suits of plate and 
mail are the gifts of successive Lord Mayors, who know and humour 
his tastes. Gobelins and old Flemish tapestry wherever it will 
hang; lay figures, strangely draped and* costumed, imperfectly 
hidden behind gigantic Japanese screens. Here and there a horse 
patiently waiting to be painted. In an outer gallery, entered. from 
the studio by an arcade, some score of girl-models slight, pale, 
golden-haired, all with the Camelot chin reading novels. These pale, 
sweet women, in their clinging draperies, form a strange yet sedui- 
sant background to the pele-mele of statues, tropical plants, musical 
instruments, Florentine terra-cottas, classical marbles, old arms, 
blue china, and Japanese curios which fill the studio. Radiating 
from the centre of the room, round a pile of gigantic and full- 
flushed azaleas and gardenias, whose_tropic perfume lies faint upon 

JANUARY 20, 1877.] 



the uir, dill'using a voluptuous languor, arc some dozen richly- 
carpeted platforms, each with its gut chair. On these chairs, in 
patient expectation, wait the litters of the day : here, a peer in 
his coronet and robes ; there, an M.F.H. in his tops and pink ; 
yonder, a Captain and Lieutenant-Colonel of the Guards in It >,',- 
uniform. The fair sex, too, is well represented by the leading 
belles of tin- In <ui-iii<nt<l<-, their natural loveliness enhanced by the 
charm of Wuiiru's most tasteful costumes fur the morning boudoir, 
the Park promenade, or the evening belle atte.tnblee . All are posed 
for the painter. Before each stand is an easel with iU canvas, and, 
beside it, the palctto ready set upon the carved bahut. The sitters 
sit motionless as figures at MADAMK TussAUD'g, but each face is 
flushed with strained yet severely repressed expectation. They 
await their Master ! 

Suddenly the tupestry shakes is drawn. The sitters put on their 
most amiable and. altable expressions, as through a secret door 
appears a burly yet refined-looking man 'of some six and thirty or. 
by'r Lady, forty with immense red whiskers and a shock head of 
whitey-brown hair. He has fierce, leonine blue eyes, deep set under 
a gnarled brow, and a red scar runs from the right corner of his left 
eye obliquely to the root of his nose. Ask him of that gear, some 
day, and perhaps, if the Clicquot has done its work, he will tell you a 
tale that nag blanched many a fair cheek, and added all the more 
charm to that fascinating if rough and reckless face. He wears a 
doublet and knickerbockers of yellow velvet, with pink silk 
stockings. On his massive yet delicate fingers are diamond rings, 
whose brilliance defies the curiosity that would count them. Such 
is the simple though costly suit in which KKYMH.JIS DAUIISOX, R.A., 
always appears before his distinguished and dainty clientele. 

"My Lords, Ladies, Honourables, and Eight Honourables," he 
exclaims, in a voice short, sharp, and taccadf, " 1 cannot give you a 
sitting to-day I have other fish to fry ! " 

There is a loud murmur of consternation. The Great Artist turns 
fiercely and points to the door. It will not do. The sitteri have 
fought hard for their places ; they have been waiting for hours ; 
they are naturally dissatisfied. Not one stirs. With a scornful 
smile the Great Artist points his hand towards the vestibule, and in 
a twinkling the bevy of fair women with the Camelot chins, flinging 
down their novels, are ousting from their chairs Dukes and 
Duchesses, Peers and Peeresses, Statesmen and Soldiers, and posing 
in their places. 

During this brief but stirring scene DAUBSON has been wheeling 
out a small deal table, with a range of compartments divided by 
wooden partitions, a lump of distemper colour in each, and in the 
centre a pot of smoking size. How is this? This is a scene- 
painter's palette ? Even so. Dashing aside the tapestry, DAUBSON 
reveals to us a huge canvas on a frame stretching ^from roof to 
floor ; and worked up and down by a powerful winch. These pale, 

Eission-fraught models are not to figure in a composition for the 
oyal Academy Exhibition. In one of those freaks so charac- 
teristic of his daring but erratic genius, DACBSON is working to-day 
at the Transformation Scene for a provincial Pantomime ! 

Such is his good pleasure. Le Roi de VArt le reutainti soit-il. 
In this way DAUBSOS'S genius gradually infiltrates the provinces. 
He is a true populariser of the beautiful. These nymphs and houris, 
these Elaines and Enids, who are now being transferred from pale 
and passionate flesh and blood to distemper and canvas, will live 
again in glowing reality, suspended against blue depths of air from 
the flies, or grouped voluptuously amid the corals and zoophytes of 
a fantastic ocean-world. DAUBSON only designs the scene. It will 
be for more common-place creatures to realise it. 

Now let us withdraw on tiptoe, and leave the Great Creature in 
Fairyland. To-day for Dreams. To-morrow for Duchesses ! 

The Phoenigsa Venatica. 
{Definition of a rare Species.} 

ONE who brooks no refusal, and refuses no brook ; who can draw 
a cover, or sketch a run ; is never to he seen in bad form, but 
always in the nicest habit ; is usually found in the first flight, and 
never cranes at the last drop ; steady in the field, as she is yielding 
in the drawing-room. 

[Yoicks! tally-ho! Could M.F.H. Punch but find the little 
vixen, and get her out of cover ! Wouldn't he be first in the field 
after her, and never draw rein till he had secured her pretty pads for 
his own, and had her soft muzzlt at his mercy !] 

Dens A Tooth. 

(A Theological Authority in the Church of Romenot of England.) 

IF your Ritual eggs at home 
Get addled, from that risk snatch 'em, 

As you cannot bring Hatcham to Rome, 
By going to Rome to hatch 'em. 



(II..MKHEK itatci 
in tint (iardtntrt 
I l:i:i>,iclt that the 
fall of rain 
during the month 
of Deci-mbiT *'"* 
!> !)2 inches, and 
that there u no in- 
stance unco IHl.j. 
when the fall in 
that month wai K> 

5-92 ! ! ! 

And still the wet 
is going it like 
winking ! 
Turn off the tap, 
good Jupiter 
1'luuus, do .' 
As water rises, 
spirits (thanks 
to you) 

Are sinking. 
By Jove, no. 
| , bother Jove ! 
By old Deuca- 

Would I were fish, a water-proof and scaly 'un. 
If no stop 's put to this perpetual flood, 
Man must lapse back again to primal mud, 
And earth, as climax of vagaries various, 
lie turned to an aquarium by Aquarius. 
I "d fain ask DAUWIN how much more of this 
Which to the fishes only could be bliss 
I must endure, before I shall begin 

To sprout a fin. 
That Weather Clerk's accounts are in a muddle, 

Eugh ! Gr-r-r ! Another puddle ! 
That makes the tenth I 've plumbed with sudden splash. 
Whoof ! What a blast ! Another rib gone smash ! 
SANQSTEE aroint thee ! I '11 put no more trust 
In Paragon frames that will not stand a gust. 
Hi ! Hansom ! No ! the shining Jehu deigns 
No answer save a sulky shake of reins ; 
Cabdom is an Autocracy tempered not 

Even by tips. I 've got 
Before me a tempestuous two-mile tramp, 
And then must greet AMANDA, dank ana damp, 

And with a shattered Gamp, 
Like Hylas, or Leander from the flood : 
But then they were not splashed with London mud. 
Had they worn Ulsters, or required a gingham, 

I 'in sure nor bard would sing em, 
Nor Beauty beam upon them. Why can't Science 
Hit upon some expedient or appliance 
To fit Man to this prseter-pluvial period ? 

That sounds a query odd, 
But my inquiry 's earnest, not ironic ; 
Since Heaven's hydropsy seems becoming chronic, 
I am persuaded it will soon be found 
Man must be made amphibious, or be drowned. 
The Hyades have it all their own wet way, 

Tristes, indeed, to-day! 

And hah! by Jove ! An empty " Growler "! Hi! 
'Tis infra dig. tut dry ! 

Strange as True. 

A LADY Member of the School-Board Mus. Bran has lately 
administered a not undeserved rebuke to her Brother-Members for 
"fluent verbosity." This is a sur-charge which the male Members 
of the Board can t resist, and should at once get rid of. But that it 
should have been left to a Lady to make it, and that not a man 
could rise either to retort the charge or to deny it ! One indignant 
male Member of the Board writes to point out that as the Lady 
answers to " STJ&B," not Madam, she must be a Man in disguise 1 


Not the road to her Truth. 



[JANUARY 20, 1877. 


The Major (rocking Nelly onliisknee,for Aunt Mary's sake), "I SUPPOSE THIS is WHAT YOU LIKK, NELLY?" 



ACCORDING to the Carlisle Patriot, Ministers have been, tempo- 
rarily at least, defeated in an attempt to effect what Conservatives 
will applaud as a large economy in contrast with the small cheese- 
parings practised by the bite Government. In consideration of the 
rising prices of provisions, and most other things, the Treasury 
announced, at the Carlisle Quarter Sessions, through ME. NANSON, 
Clerk of the Peace, that they would in future allow Counsel only 
one guinea a brief, instead of two guineas as theretofore. The 
consequence was 

" The Barristers declined to take the reduced fee, and there was nothing 
left to be done save for the attorneys to place the briefs in the hands of the 
Court, and let it deal with the matter as it thought best. Accordingly, when 
the Deputy-Recorder (MR. LEOFKIC TEMPLE, Q.C.) had concluded his charge 
to the grand jury, ME. WANNOP banded in a brief marked ' one guinea,' at 
the same time saying that there was a strike among the Barristers, who would 
not accept the briefs at the fee allowed. MK. NANSON said the matter had 
been brought before the Deputy-Recorder, who had arranged to pay the two 
guineas on this occasion. MR. WANNOP ' Then I may mark the briefs two 
guineas ? ' ' 5Tes.' Shortly after this announcement the Barristers came into 
Court, and the threatened Block was averted " 

by MB. NANSON'S generous act of self-sacrifice. No doubt that 
Gentleman undertook the responsibility of the additional guineas for 
which the Treasury may or may not reimburse him. But what will 
be the consequence of the adoption by the higher branch of the 
legal profession of Trades Unionism both in principle and practice '? 
A system of picketing may shortly be established in connection with 
Sessions and Assize Courts for the purpose of intimidating and 
molesting Barristers who dare to accept a reduced scale of fees. 
Gentlemen of the Bar will ratten forensic knobsticks, by carrying 
off their briefs and books, or hiding their gowns and wigs. Barristers 
may even, by-and-by, blow Barristers up, after the manner of Sheffield 
sawgrinders who knows P Such are the deplorable consequences 
which may be expected to follow from perseverance on the part of 
Her Majesty's Government in the attempt to cheapen the price of 

legal labour ; the present remuneration of which is far too Liberal 
in the estimation of Conservative Statesmen. 


SAYS Turcophobe to Turcophile, 

"The Ottoman is full of guile." 

Says Turcophile to Turcophobe, 

" Muscovite treachery who can probe ? " 

Says Russophobe, " The Turk 's a Saint ; 

The Russ a devil, minus paint." 

Says Russophile, " The Russ means right ; 

The Turk is anti-human quite." 

Says Mr. Punch, " Twin cackling geese, 

'Tis time your rival row should cease. 

Reason, not rabies, Sense, not spite, 

'Midst clashing wrongs must 'stablish right. 

Shut up, and leave the two to work 

In strong, skilled hands, 'twixt Russ and Turk." 

The Classic God of Cookery. 

THE Great Pan. His sacred rites were celebrated in the Isles of 
Greece. His English High-priest is now MB. BTOKMASTEE. We 
are glad to hear that even the Parsons are becoming his ministers, 
and mean to have his rites instituted in the national school-rooms. 

Two of a Trade. 

TOOLE in his Gaiety, TOOTH in his Gravity, 
The Town to amuse at this time of depression, 

Though with different art, both play the same part, 
In the Strand, and at Hatcham The Man in Possession. 

THE BEST VACCINE-HATEES. The Keighley Guardians. 






[JOHN BULL fancies he has read of this sort of thing in the Police Report*. 

JANUARY fO, 1877.] 







Author of " Squeezing Langfi.ri/," " Two Kicki," $c., 


s CODICIL has been found to 
/ old SIR THOMAS'S will," 
V said MR. GRA/IN LANE, 
" which alters the fore- 

oing conditions. SIR 
iioMAS is to retain the 
estates for ever, on the 
understanding that he 
loses Two Derbys together 
his horse coming in last 
which has been done 
and that he WINS THE 
THIRD, the others being 
nowhere which also has 
been done." 

not speak for several 

" Moka," said STRING- 
HALT, " is not dead. 

Thus summoned, WILLIAM BUTTON advanced to the middle of the pourse, and 

" Hi ! here 's a policeman coming ! " 
Whereupon, Moka rose quickly, kicked out at the prostrate form of the 
Hon ble PULLMAN, and galloped off. 

Along the course, with deadly precision, advanced the whole corps of the 
Royal Welshers. 

Then the two hundred Bookmakers, ruined utterly, rushed forward, 
with a terrific yell, to wreak their vengeance on LAWYER FERKET and the 
Hon ble PULLMAN. 

LAWYER FKBHET and the Hon blt PULLMAN "went for" over tw9 million, 
but neither of them got it, except from the two hundred infuriated Book- 
makers, and then they got it hot. 

These pitiless savages knew they had to do with men of straw. 


It was a fearful sceae. 


The Hon blc PULLMAN CABS contrived to get by the Midland line to Liverpool. 
Thence he went to America. 

LAWYER FERBET escaped in the darkness of the black night, and, unable to 
procure a cab, managed, with a Solicitor's keen experience, to convey himself to 
London. Only his confidential clerk could have recognised the crafty Lawyer, 
as he arrived by appointment at the entrance to the Zoological Gardens (his 
shortest and most secluded route to the Metropolis), drawing up his own con- 
veyance. Eluding the vigilance of the turnstile-man, and the watchfulness of 
the Keeper of the Seals, LAWYER FERRET crept up to the Tank House fol- 
lowed by his clerk. 

The worst man in the world has some one to care for him. LAWYER 
FEUHKT wept. The Clerk having been a copying clerk in his youth, was, 
from the force of early training, compelled to imitate him. Then the 

Lawyer, placing his hand on the Seal, which had come 
out expecting something to eat, murmured in a low 
voice, I deliver this as my act and deed." 

But there was no time for further parley ; the two hun- 
dred ruined Bookmakers were on the wretched man's 

LAWYER FERRKT pulled from his pocket a draught. 
It was one of his own drawing, and he knew beforehand 
its deadly effect. He bade the Clerk give it to him 
slowly. The Clerk obeyed, and gradually, slowly but 
surely, LAWYEU FKRRKT went on until he had taken 
down the entire draught. 

Then the Clerk left him ; for he knew the end had 
come, at last. 


went abroad together. From Naples they ascended Ve- 
suvius and arrived at the crater, where, unhappily, tin y 
fell in with two young men, whose names the news- 
papers, in recording the sad event, failed to make public. 

The KTUIXUUALTS are comfortably settled at Jed- 
(lin.i:ton. and MB. WILLIAM BUTTON has something good 
for the Three Thousand next year. We believe it is 
Little Pitcher out of Moka by Neddy. 

"We call her Little Pitcher," said MR. BUTTON, "on 
account of her long ears." 

" I had only; been purtendin'," said CAVASSOIT, when 
asked to explain how it was that he had contrived to 
speak. It was by this artful plan' he had managed 
to circumvent his master's enemies. 


As for G CSSY GANDAR, of course within a few days she 

became the bride of SIR THOMAS DODD. 
" As long as you 're happy." murmured LADY GUSSY 
" What*i the Odds f ' f said SIE THOMAS, completing 

the sentence, as they sat at the wedding-breakfast, on 

which occasion the great speech of the eventful day was 

made by CAVASSON, who having recovered his speech. 

now made it at great length, until he was interrupted. 

by three hearty cheers for the Dumb Jockey of Jed- 

dingtoH . 


Explanatory Note, by the Editor. 

WE owe it to our readers. Unfortunately, the last Chapters 
of the Novel were in print before we were able to return to town 
and prevent their publication. We saw through it at the 
commencement, at least we mistrusted it as a Sporting Novel, 
and had we been only a little leas diffident, we should never 
have permitted the intelligence of our readers to be insulted by 
having this work foisted upon them as a genuine Sporting Novel 
by a true Sportsman. 

We hare been grossly deceived. We admit it. But never 
again. There u no tueh pertou a* MAJOR JAWLBV SHARP ! 
We never met him at a friend's house; no conversation ever 
took place between us; he is totally unknown to CAPTAIN 
HAWLBY SMART, whose Novel, Mound to Win, in Bell's Life, 
is, though in different vein, not a whit behind his other suc- 
cesses in Courttkip, Two Kitset, &c., and in fact, the whole 
affair is a swindle from beginning to end. Unfortunately, we 
have only just discovered it ; not, however, without consider- 
able trouble, and at great personal inconvenience. The pre- 
tended Major had invited us down to " It'iyus Park, near 
Jloshey," the Station for which place he said was Ware. A 
friend of his perhaps the Impostor himself in this character 
called at our otfice, and, after telling us that we were expected 
the next day at Bogus Park, where our room was prepared, 
where there was a quiet hone at our disposal, and the best of 
everything awaiting our arrival, he received from us a hand- 
some cheque (luckily, on account), for which he said he was 
authorised to give a receipt on behalf of his friend MAJOR J. S.. 
who could not come up to town, it being a hunting day, ana 
Bogus Park being full of visitors. He departed, and the next 
da; we started for Ware, intending to arrive at Bogus in time 
for dinner. On descending at the Station, there was BO carriage 
to meet UK, but a boy stepped forward on hearing our question 
put to the Station-Master as to the whereabouts of Bogus Park, 
and delivered a letter in the Major's handwriting. It apolo- 
gised for not sending a carriage, but begged us to take a fly, at 
his txpetut, and tell the man to drive straight to the Houst, a 
distance of about six miles, when, to prevent any contrtttmfi, 
he (MAJOR }. S.) would send to met us at the Cross Koads. 
"And." added a P.8., "don't forget our dinner-hour it 7'30 
sharp. We gave the boy sixpence, who immediately disap- 
peared, and a fly having been found, we stowed away oar luggage 
(two portmanteaus, a carpet-bag, a hat box, and rugs), and started 



[JANUARY 20, 1877. 



Guard (to Old Lady taking leave of her Daughters). "Now, THEN, M'UM, JUMP IN IF TOT; "BE COIN'. 



irk, which the Flyman said he thought he knew, tat wasn't 
; that, " Anyhow, if the Gentleman "s agoing to meet us at the 

uXnllt oiv Tnllaa ffnm linl-n tliof '11 Ko nil viffllt aa T tjtlnlf T I'nnilr 

for Bogus Park 

mre ; adding th , , _ 

Cross Roads, about six miles from here, that '11 be all right, as I think I know 

which cross roads he meant." It was by this time six o'clock, but there was 

an hour and a half to dinner, and though it was a trifle colder than in town, 

and the rain was beginning to come down pretty heavily, yet, at all events, 

there was a cheerful room to look forward to in an old country mansion, a 

hearty welcome from a hospitable Squire, the best of everything, a brilliant 

party, and dinner at 7'30 sharp. 

Thus meditating, we fell into a dreamy doze, then into a pleasant slumber. 
We were awoke by a sudden stoppage. It was dark. The wind was howling. 
The rain was beating against the windows and sides of the fly. The driver, 
shivering and drenched, opened the door, thereby admitting a hurricane and 
a shower, and said, " 'Ere 's the Cross Beads, Sir, out I don't see nobody." 

" We must wait," we said, cheerily. " No doubt we are a little before our 
time." Our watch marked 7'30 exactly. We had slumbered for an hour and 
a half. " You "ve been a long time," we said, reproachfully, to the Flyman. 
" Very had roads this time o' year," he replied. 

We waited. Seven forty-five ! The Major had told me, in his letter, that 
dinner was at " 7'30 sharp." Evidently, he had got tired of waiting for us, 
and had gone home to dinner. Too bad of him, or too bad of the Flyman for 
being so long over the journey. There was nothing for it but to drive on. 
" As no one is coming, we said, still cheerily, so as to keepthe Flyman in a 
good temper, " you had better drive on to Bogus Park." "Which direction's 
that in, Sir?" asked the Flyman. "Why," we returned, "don't you 
great Sporting Novelist, the Country Squire ; he has a house full of compai 
he hunts regularly. Why, hang it ! " we said, being a trifle exasperated 
the blank, puzzled expression of his countenance, " you must know where 
MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP lives I " " No, blessed if I do," he replied, empha- 
tically. " I ' ve lived in these parts, man and boy, for a matter of thirty year or 
more, nd never heard tell o' such a name, or o such a place as Bogus Park." 

There was a pause. We reflected on bucolic ignorance ; we debated within 
ourselves by what means we could bring the Major and his mansion to this 
rustic's memory. The Flyman's eye winked. He leered at us! Aha! he 
knew: we felt he knew at last. The Flyman spoke. "I say," he observed, 
cunningly, " You 're a playing your tricks on me! But it won't do. I knows 
one as good as two o' that ! " 

This was irritating. We put it to his common sense, " What on earth 
could be the fun to ut of driving about Hertfordshire, hungry and tired, in 
the wind and rain, for the sake of playing a practical joke on an unknown 

lyman .' " He listened to reason, and presently it occurred to him that he 
did know a place answering the description we gave of what we supposed 
Bogus Park to be like, about five miles olf. To this place we drove. It was 
line o'clock before we arrived. After some delay at the Lodge, we were 
nformed that no one of the name of MAJOR SHARP lived there, or was 
mown in those parts. The old gatekeeper thought she had heard the name, 
some years ago, when she lived with her Aunt on Goose Green, the other side 
of the county. Her little boy suddenly remembered that there was a Major 
Something who hunted, and lived in a Park, about seven miles off. This 
was a gleam of light. Having rewarded the boy wilh sixpence, we drove on. 
Twice we lost our way. It could be hardly called " losing our way," as we 
re in utter ignorance of the locality, and the Flyman knew very little about 
.his part of the country." By dint of climbing up signposts, with a car- 
riage-lamp in his hand (which, fortunately, he was able to light), and reading 
the directions, we managed to make some progress northwards. For miles 
and miles we drove, but no sign of any big house could we see. Parks there 
were, indeed, but no Lodges visible, and no gates. The roads were rough, 
sloshy, stodgy, and, in many parts, evidently only used by the heaviest carts. 
At last, the driver took a wrong turning, went bumping and stumbling 
down a narrow lane, and, finally, the weary horse stuck fast in the heaviest 
clay soil. On each side was a flooded ditch ; in front was a gate leading into 
a field. The rain was pelting worse than ever. The Flyman hadn't the 
smallest notion of where he'd got to. Then, for the first time, we began 
to lift up our voice, and bless MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP. And, all the while, 
we knew that the last chapters of his idiotic Sporting Novel were being set 
up in type, and we should be unable to get back in time to prevent its 
publication. Cold, hungry, wet, miserable not so wet as the Flyman, 
though we asked what could be done? The Flyman suggested that he 
should take the lamp, go through the gate, enter the plantation, and walk 
till he found some Keeper's lodge, where he could make inquiries. To this 
wo assented. He disappeared, leaving us in the lane, in charge of the fly and 
horse, and one lamp. For an hour we awaited his return. He did not return. 
It was nearly twelve before we decided that the only course was to turn the 
fly round, and drive back into the road. We began trying this. The lamp 
went out. The horse wouldn't do what we wanted. We coaxed, pulled", 
struggled, and were in a perspiration of despair. The horse was dead beat, and 
stumbled. In another second the fly gave a lurch, and was over luggage and all 
into the ditch. While we were executing a sort of clog-dance in the stodgy 
slosh, wasting our strength in vain endeavours to find our hat and umbrella, the 
bell of (apparently) a distant cathedral boomed over the marshes. Midnight ! 

JANUARY 20, 1877.] 




" that repose 
Which stamps the caste of VEKB DE VERB." 


" HAW ! So SAWWY ! ! " 



X0B, I be a laborin 
man as lives far away from 
the great Zity, but I loikes to 
reaa a peaper now and then, 
and knaw what ' a goin on up 
theer. And I say, Zur, them 
there Rittallists have a done 
one good bit o' wark, whare 
they will ever do another, re- 
mains to be zeed. 

To think that while the big 
wigs are a quarrelling among 
theirselves, and one zays. the 
Museums and sich places 
qnghter be open of a Zunday 
for the laborin man to enjoy 
hisself rational t'other one he 
zays, 'taint right to have them 
thar places open of a Zunday. 

But the Rittallist, he goes 
and purvides a first rate open 
air entertainment for the 
workin man, free gratis for 
nothing as you med say and 
a prime entertainment it air 
I fancy, from what I read in 
the peaper today 5000 folks, 
all a shoutin, and a sinftin God 
save the Queen, No Popery, 
an other free an easy songs 
an then for a little light an 
wholesome exercise, jest 
enough to make 'em enjoy 
their dinner, there 's a barrer- 
cade for 'em to pull down, 
and a nice lot o" perlice men 
to chaff. Why the Museums, 
if so be as they opened 'em of 
a Zunday, wouldn't be nothin 
to this. 

I war glad to zee they 
didn't lay hands on the 
passon though for I never 
could abear to zee women 
and poor helpless critters 
urted and I reckon he be a 
weak sort of a specimen!, so 
they was right to let un go 
home to 's dinner in pace, 
poor dear. 

_0ping no offence, Zur, and 
wishin you a appy New Year 
an many on em, I be yours to 


DENT. A punctual Train. 

We were laid up in the luu at Ware all next day. The Flyman turned up 
in the afternoon. The luggage arrived by instalments, finishing with a shape- 
less something, which had once been our new hat. The Flyman explained 
that whin he had entered the plantation, he had been captured as a poacher, 
and locked up. The expenses of that night, including damages to horse and 
lly, wi'iv enormous. Prostrated by a severe cold, and unable to move, we 
searched county guides, read the history of Hertfordshire, and examined 
intelligent natives. No information whatever about Bogus Park : no one had 
ever heard of such a place, or such a person as MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP. 
And on the previous day we had sent him a cheque by his friend ! 

* ' 

Arrived in town. Letter from MAJOR J. S. : 

Hear Eddy , Afraid you must have had a rough time of it. Soyas Park looks 
veil at night, doesn't it f The Quiet Horse I'd got for you, I leave for you 
HERE at the Office as a mark of my esteem. Don't ride it too hard in 
Rotten Row. Cheque cashed all right. Adoo! Adoo ! Yours ever, J. S. 

P.S.You won't want another Sporting Novel in a hurry, will you f Eh, 
Slyboots f 

We went down-stairs. Where was the Quiet Horse ? 

No one knew anything about such an animal. The brave Commissionnaire 
at our front office door, suddenly remembered that a man had called yesterday, 
from a second-hand furniture shop, and, on receiving half-a-crown, on our 
account, in our absence, from our head-clerk, had left a common painted deal 

towel-horse ! Tied to it was an envelope, on which was written, in the 
Major's hand 

" The quietest horse out. I told you to. If I'm JAWLEY SHARP, you art 


There was also a note from CAPTAIN HAWLBY SMART, Author of Bound to 
Win, now running in Bell's Life. We place it before our readers : 

Dear Sir, / have not the smallest idea who the personcalling himselfi&MO3L 
JAWLEY SHARP is. I do not know him. I have never heard of him. From 
his Novel (?) I learn that he is grossly and stupendously ignorant of all 
matters connected with Sport. Whenever and wherever I meet him, I shall 
give him precious good cause to remember the impression made on him by 

Yours sincerely, H. S. 

This settles it. The Detectives are engaged. We fancy the Major is not 
unknown to the Impostor who, some time ago, pretended to accompany 
H.R.H. the Prince during his Indian tour, and sent us letters from " YOUR 
REPRESENTATIVE IN INDIA." If so, we think we can put our hand on both 
at once. Nous verrons .' It flashes across us suddenly as an idea that the 
boy who appeared at the Ware Station, with a letter from the arch-impostor, 
and to whom we gave sixpence, was the very boy whom long ago we entrusted 
with half a sovereign to go out and buy an Anglo-Indian Dictionary and who 
never returned. If so, he has become one of this gang of swindlers. He may 
yet be reclaimed, if we can only catch him. ED. 


[JANUARY 20, 1877. 


F all the hits in the 
Drury Lane Pantomime 
this Christmas the hit 
has undoubtedly been 
the Donkey. The 
talented person inside 
the asinine frame will 
be hereafter as distin- 
guished a character as 
was the clever repre- 
sentative of the Turtle, 
in Babil and Bijou, 
who received the sobri- 
quet of "TUETLE 
JONES," to distinguish 
him from every other 

At Covent Garden 
Robinson Crusoe is a 
bright spectacle, with 
plenty of practical 
comic business between 
Robinson, Friday, Fri- 
day's father, and the 
highly-trained animals 
.n the hut. The musical 
portion is good throughout. Capital Pantomime for children ; and 
this, after all, is the great point. They don't care how long it is. 

But the hit of the day literally of the day, for it is only per- 
formed in the afternoon is the Pantomimeat the Adelphi, played 
by children. The Pantaloon seems to be a very old man for his 
age, which, we believe, is something under twelve. 

The glittering, gorgeousness, and zoological variety of the grand 
"Conference Scene" in Robinson Crusoe and Gulliver rolled into 
one by the MESSES. SANGERS, surpasses all previous efforts of that 
enterprising management. 

Then at the Crystal Palace, among much else that is pretty and 
ingenious in Sinbad the Sailor, there is a Harem Scene, with the 
most graceful bit of ballet a dance of Odalisques draped from head 
to foot in snowy muslin that Punch has seen for a long time. I 
shows how much more charming ladies of the ballet look in long 
clothes than in short ones. The Transformation Scene here, on the 
classic fable of Narcissus and Echo, is a masterpiece of mechanical 
ingenuity as well as scenic effect. 

The Extravaganza-burlesque at the Globe gives us a mixture of 
old and new styles, being a revival of ME. PLANCHE'S graceful 
Invisible Prince, with modern tunes. The chorus to the old air, 
" Hark .' 'tis the Indian Drum ! " is most effectively rendered, and 
deservedly encored. Miss JENNY LEE, as the Invisible Prince, is 
quite a Prince Charming, and being invisible, ought to be seen to 
be appreciated. She is ably seconded by Miss RACHEL SANGER and 

How they pack that crowd into the pit and gallery of the 
Strand, is a marvel ! and what shouts from every part of the 
house at ME. JOHN S. CLABKE'S inimitable drunken scene in 
The Toadies, which, it is worth knowing, comes on about nine 
o'clock. His " business " with the pipe and the candle is im- 
mense. As for the Burlesque, the scene of The Lying Dutchman 
is where ME. MABIUS and ME. TAYLOB go through an acrobatic 
performance on a trapeze. Miss LOTTIE VENN and ME. HARRY Cox 
are invaluable in burlesque, and they make the most of what they 
have to do. MR. HALL s Scenery in both pieces, especially the old 
country town in The Toadies, and the view of Margate in the Bur- 
lesque, are two of the most effective "sets" we have seen for a 
long time. The scenery of late at the Strand has been unusually 
good, notably in the late lamented Princess Toto. 

Of the Danischeffs at the St. James's, William Tell at the Gaiety, 
Jocko at the Princess's, and a few other novelties, we are in a 
position to speak with the strictest impartiality, not having yet seen 
any one of them. Of course it will be a Christmastide duty to visit 
MR. CONQUEST at the Grecian. 

Some years ago we had the pleasure of seeing a piece at the 
Vaudeville, played by MESSRS. JAMES and THORNE, entitled Our 
Boys. These Boys wonderful life preservers are still floating, as 
buoyantly as ever. They will become one of our National Institu- 
tions, ana friends from the country will come up to Town to see St. 
Paul s, Westminster Abbey, Madame Tussaud's, Gog and Magog, 
and Our Boys. Temple Bar will be a thing of the past, new streets 
will have been built, the Royal Family will be residing in a palace 
built on the site of the old Westminster Aquarium (so as to be near 
the Abbey for service on Sunday), Turkey will have been reformed, the 
Thames embanked from one end to the other, and our grandchildren 
will be enjoying Our Boys, then at the height of its popularity. 






SAVES Fifty Times its Cost in Tonics. Revives Appetite ; rehardens 
Softening Brains ; supplies the feeblest Joker with stamina ; and 
restores the most inveterate Punster to reason. 


(Seinff a few out of many Millions of Similar Testimonials.) 


TWENTY-FIVE years' gradual softening of the brain, first 
caught from my poor husband whose own mental decay was 
brought on by his abandonment of himself to the destructive 
practice of playing upon words had almost reduced my faculties 
to the level of his, when a valued friend recommended me to take in 
Punch. I did so, and have since lived chiefly on your invigorating 
weekly issue. The effect on myself was so marked and immediate, 
that I induced my unfortunate husband to try the same remedy. 
In a week the fits of punning, from incessant, became intermittent, 
and after a month's use of your elixir, ceased altogether. He has 
not since that time had any return of the attacks, while I am my- 
self quite restored to my former vigour of body and mind. 
I remain, Mr. Punch, yours, gratefully, 

Chaff yng- Abbas, Herts. CLEMENTINA JOLLY. 


UNDEB the fearful monotony of a perpetual curacy in one 
of the dampest districts of Lincolnshire, where I thought the living 
would have been the death of me, what with alternate attacks of 
mental stagnation and bodily " shakes " as the ague is locally called 
I had entirely lost my spirits as well as my temper. At last I had 
lost the power of even smiling at my churchwarden's standing joke 
about a " cure of souls " when he called on me at my lodgings over 
the shoemaker's the glebe-house being under water during the six 
winter and autumn months, and uninhabitable, from damp, during 
the rest of the year. I had gradually dropped all intercourse with 
the neighbouring county family a bachelor with a liability to 
delirium tremens. I was rapidly following his lead, and becoming a 
victim to the habit of mixing gin with the water of the locality, 
when, by an accident I cannot but call providential, I invested in 
a complete edition of Punch, and for three months, when not 
employed in parochial duty, was busy in reading, marking, and 
digesting its invigorating contents. I am. now a new man. I have 
given up my gin. I sleep well at nights. My congregation, on the 
other hand,, never so much as wink during the whole of my sermon, 
though six months ago you could not have seen an open eye in the 
church after the first five minutes. Such are the marvellous effects 
of your life-giving food upon a grateful fen-parson, 


Frog-in-the-Hole, Holland, Lincolnshire. 

Cure No. 155,050, Punch's Charivarenta Britannica. 

LADY MABIA MEKHYWEATHEB is glad to be able to inform 
Mr. Punch that since one of her great-nephews the other day sent 
her his Seventy-First Volume, the LADY M. M. has found herself snap her fingers in the face of her principal creditor, Old 
Time, and to laugh to scorn the fourscore and eight years she owes 
him. Her figure has regained much of its youthful spring, and only 
the other night she was almost taking part in one of the pas ae 
Values with two of her grandchildren, after their return from the 
Drury Lane Pantomime. She even caught herself last week making 
eyes at that absurd old GENERAL METHUSALEM, with whom she used 
to dance at Bath in 1810, before he went out to the Peninsula, when, 
at LADY M. M.'s last " small and early," he asked her to join him in 
"The days when we went gipsying, a long time ago." In short, 
LADY M. M. wishes to inform Mr. Punch that she is as fresh as a 
four-year-old that she subscribes to the World and does as the 
world does, is up to all the political gossip and social scandal of the 
day, and is quite in request for five o'clock teas ! 
The Evergreens, Oakfield, Hants. 

"NOTHING NEW UNDEE THE SUN." The vaunted block system 
has been in vogue in London streets for half a century. 

INCIDENTS OF TAXATION. Collectors and Summonses. 

JANUARY 27, 1877.] 



owing to 


OME Blight abate- 
ment in the late 
down - pour has 
come in the nick 
of time to prevent 
the issue of the 
following Police 
which were under 
consideration at 
Scotland Yard. 

Rulei for Street 
The Steamboats 
of any London 
Street Steam 
Navigation Com- 
pany that may be 
formed will take 
the same sides of 
the Channel in 
passing each 
other as cabs have 
done heretofore. 
In the event of 
such Companies 
being estab- 
lished, the fare-tariff of 
the General Omnibus Com- 
panies may be adopted. 

Any incivility on the part 
of the men at the wheel 
should be reported to Scot- 
land Wharf. 

Moorings for Hackney 
Launches will be laid 
down at Charing Cross, 
St. Paul's Churchyard, and 
the Haymarkttt. 

Fishing from 'first-floor 
windows will be prohibited, 
the risk of injury to the heads and head-dresses of boatmen plying along the 
and of passengers on board 'Steam Barges, Hackney; Launches, or Hansom 

Gondolas established for Metropolitan street 

No shrimping will be allowed in the 
streets after nine o'clock A.M. Lobster pots 
and night-lines may be put down and taken 
up only between midnight and six A.II. 

No person or persons will be allowed to 
remove the shells and seaweed from the 
Strand at low water, except the licensed 

Bathing, except in Hoy ton dresses, strictly 

The Public will be permitted to perambu- 
late the streets, without shoes and stock- 
ings, where the state of the tide will permit. 

"Irreducible Minima." 

THE heel of a Lady's boot. 

The size of a glass of Sherry at a Lun- 
cheon Bar. 

The flavour thereof. 

The value (in proportion to the money 
disbursed) of the following : 

A guinea paid to DR. SLADE. 

Ditto paid to certain other "Doctors," 
who shall be nameless. 

A shilling paid for a copy of The En- 

Six shillings and eightpenoe paid to a 

[The list can be indefinitely extended, 
but our readers will probably do this for 

Mottoes for some Weeklies. 

FOE Truth" The greater the Truth the 
greater the libel." 

For the World "The World's mine 

For Mayfair" Ex luce lucellum." 

For Vanity Fait " Sic vos non vobis 
mellificatis ' Apes.' " 

For Figaro ' ' Fi ! Gare ! ! Oh ! ! .'" 


SANGEB'S STABLES, Jan., 1877. 

ALLAH be with you, Lord of a million readers ! 

May your shadow never be less ! Know, Sheik of St. Bride's, I 
am no poet, not even the most distant relation to the Bulbul : I am 
an unhappy Dromedary, torn from his home to smell sawdust, and 
curse the Afreet known as the Djin of Pantomime. But, PUNCH- 
BASHI, I bear a hunch on my back, and, without wishing to be per- 
sonal, I feel I have a claim through that protuberance upon your 
special sympathies. 

I could almost break out into cursing, but I feel that to indulge, 
however excusably, in the habit of swearing acquired from my 
fellow-prisoner, the Zebra (who chafes fearfully under a captivity 
which adds to the stripes that nature has laid on his back those in- 
flicted by an irate groom), might lower the Oriental dignity and 
calmness of my style. 

But, PUNCH-BASHI, have I not cause for swearing? From 
Arabia's burning sands, decoyed into the strong-smelling hold of a 
steamer, I find myself, after the agonies of a sea-voyage and an in- 
terval of subsequent confinement with a batch of sick monkeys and 
a flock of swearing parrots in JAMBACH'S anything but commodioul 
premises in the Commercial Road East, transferred to the dark 
stables of a circus '. Here, after some rough discipline in the ring. I 
learnt by intermittent conversation with several small elephants, who 
rub on a dreary existence in the same place of captivity, that I wag to 
appear, in a few days, as a feature in a great Christmas attraction! 
This was a flattering idea, doubtless, and a new one, for I knew of no 
Christmas in the land I left, and no attraction beyond an extra graze 
of thorns and thistles, and water enough to fill my five stomachs 
to the brim. But I soon discovered from one of my worst-used 
fellow-captives, the biggest elephant here, who was painted white 
last year, in his assumed character of the Sacred Siamese, what 
hgurmg in a Christmas Attraction in faot meant. With him, poor 
fellow, it meant stopping up all his pores with whitening, treacle, and 
size, a composition rendering him beautiful for a few weeks if not for 
ever and ending in a narrow escape from congestion of the lungs. 

Allah be praised, they have not this year made a Pink Drome- 
dary of me, but it is bad enough to have to carry a bevy of spangle- 
splashed Amazons, to breathe an asphyxiating atmosphere of gas- 
fumes, exhalations of sawdust and stable manure, and to be 
blinded by the lime-lights of the Giaour. My spongy feet, alas ! 
were never made to tread the London boards ! 

I used to bear my Arab master over the hot desert, speeding, 
without a murmur, with a swinging stride, and outstretched neck 
across the scorching Sahara, while we sniffed together the balmy 
breeze which met us from the far-off oasis ! And then at night, 
the unloading of the caravan, the savoury repast on the sparse thorns 
of the desert, the too-brief slumber as we, the ships of the desert, 
lay at anchor, hobbled beneath the stars ! 

Now I wait at the wings for my cue, duly accentuated by a kick 
in the ribs and a tug at my muzzle, in a crowd of jostling supers and 
insufficiently clad ballet-girls, men in armour and caparisoned horses 
my abomination and when I pass from the side-scenes to the 
stage, if, dazzled by jeta of flaring gas, and deafened by the blare 
of discordant brass, I stumble or turn sulky, the street Arabs pelt 
me with orange-peel from the Gallery, and my gaolers run me in 
amid cheers of derision. 

It is the last straw which breaks the camel's back. It is the last 
spangle which will crush the Dromedary's. For know, O POTTCH- 
EFFEITDI, the accursed company into which I have fallen have made 
me ambitious in their own low way. 1 can sacrifice my desert home, 
I can forget the sands of my foalhood, to gratify my last perhaps 
foolish craving, but I shall 'die broken-hearted if I stay in the rank 
and file of the " Grand Conference " scene as one of the mere 
" utilities," two- and four-legged for one night more ! 

If I must go on in the Pantomime, let me at least figure for once 
as the feature in the Transformation Scene. I feel that if I might 
only go np on an iron frame surrounded by flights of Peris, I shall 
not have been torn from my native deserts for nothing. We all 
have our weaknesses : this is mine ; and I appeal to you, Caliph 
of Fleet Street, by your influence with SPLTAX SANGBK to aid my 
(Signed) HrMpn-DuMPW, 

Chief Dromedary. 




[JANUARY 27, 1877. 


BOOT and saddle for the Session, in both stables, kennels twain, 
Ministerial. Opposition, lo 1 the hunt is up again ! 
Ixiok alive ! whips in both liveries, trot out both fields once more, 
'Tis the old Meet at the Cross-roads, and the old fun to the fore. 

Come, swells oE the first flight, who take whate'er comes in your 


For whom no bar stands up too stiff no yawner gapes too wide ; 
Come, skirters, and come gaters, come cocktails, one and all, 
Who love to talk about the sport and never ride at all ! 

And you, my hardy huntsmen, keen rivals in the field. 
And wiry whips on both sides, well trained the thong to wield ; 
To rate when rating 's useful, to wind the timely blast, 
To lay the hounds upon their fox, to lift them at a cast. 

To work the pack when scent is hot, and cheer them when 'tis cold ; 
To trust old hounds, who know the time to give tongue and to hold : 
To rate praters, and check babblers, and head strayers back to 

Ah ! only one who has whipped knows what 'tis to whip to hounds ! 

For you, my M. F. H.'s, well may care cloud either front ; 
Life is not all beer and skittles for him who leads a hunt : 
All the more, when in the Treasury-pack they 're losing the oM 

strain ; 
And in the Opposition they've got riot on the brain. 

At the first meet of the season there '11 be whispering fat-t and free ; 

In the Ministerial Muster we 're to see what we shall see. 

A new M. F. H. will be up, in place of brave old BEN, 

Who is laid up in lavender, and will ne'er hunt hounds again! 

Ere you throw hounds into cover, at its side convene the field, 
To present the testimonial here from Punch's brush revealed, 
This portrait of your master now ex -master scarce so strong, 
By the new name, as the old one that has held its own so long. 

See him mounted on the old dark horse he rode when still a boy, 
The woudrous steed on which he took the rasper of Alroy : 
The dark horse on whose back he floored the flats as Vivian Grey, 
The dark horse Asian-Mystery, out of Chouse by Chaff, they 

JANUAUY 27, 1877.] 







THE British National Association of Spiritualists, al 
their next tuin'e will perhaps endeavour to obtain com- 
munications through a " trance Medium," or a table, on 
the subject-matter of the following newspaper announce- 
ment relative to 

" BOTTLINO SPIRITS. Arrangement* have been made and are 
now in force for bottling spirit* under the supervision of the 
Customs Bill of Entry Office. 1 ' 

This notification suggests several serious questions to 
which it may be hoped that answers will bo returned 
orally, or rapped out. 

Is it possible to bottle disembodied spirits ? 

Was there any foundation in fact for the story 
dramatised in the Settle Imp f 

Could a genuine bottle conjuror really conjure a spiril 
into a bottle? Would MASKKI.YNK AND COOK be able to 
counterfeit that performance ? Was the Genie in the 
Arabian Nights, fished up in a pot, tinned like Austra- 
lian meat in it, a bottled spirit ': Did KIM. SoLOMO.v 
really bottle him ? 

Have any of the arrangements made for bottling 
spirits, under the supervision of the Customs Bill oi 
Kntry Office, been made with a Medium? Or are the 
spirits bottled exclusively ardent spirits? 

In being bottled must a spirit be condensed? If so, 
by what process? Can the spirit bo pumped into the 
bottle, like a volume of gas ? Can a spirit at will con- 
dense and bottle itself:' When corked in, can it get 
out airain, if it pleases, passing through solid matter ? "~ 

Will any one of the dear Spirits present be so kind 
as to shrink and subside into a bottle? Will it allow 
itself to be conveyed in the bottle to 85, Fleet Street, 
and there disembottle itself with manifestations audible 
or visible to Mr. Punch ? 


TIIEUE are great complaints of the Paddy-tax i_ 
Ceylon. England is not without considerable experience 
of the pressure of the same impost. It has been found 
one of the heaviest of the many she has to bear. But, 
unlike Ceylon, she is not likely to get rid of it just 

An old un' now, with neither wind nor paoo what once they 

Fired in both hocks no wonder though it scarce shows through the 


A spring-ring on his off fore leg, though he looks like going still, 
And can raise a showy gallop, if not too much pressed 'up-hill. 

" Presented to the tough old chief, who so long rode in their front, 
By the members of the True-blue, or Conservative, Old Hunt," 
May no croppers lie before him at the end of his long run ; 
And may he turn the old horse home, ere he "s quite pumped out 
and done ! 


THE Judge of the Westminster County Court has decided that a 
nuisance may be " intolerable " but not " actionable." but whether 
as " damnum absque injuria," or " injaria absque damno," is not 
stated. We are sorry for the poor plaintiff who has both to tolerate 
the intolerable nuisance, and pay the costs of trying to get rid 
if it. The nuisance complained of is an organ measuring about 
twelve feet in height, ten feet in width, and fou or five feet in 
depth, and occupying about half the room in which it stands. This 
room is directly under the chambers of the plaintiff, a literary man, 
MB. WABE he should have been " Wear and tear" to have borne 
unmoved such an infliction as that described in his pathetic expe- 
rience of organic disturbances. 

"When the organ wa tuned after being fitted up, he asked how long the 
jperation would Isut ; on being told two or three hours, he went out for that 
lime. The organ had been played at different periods since, about two or 
;hree times a week ; he stayed in once for about three hours during which it 
wa being played, and found that it so interfered with his comfort and the 
performance of his work, that whenever it commenced ho had to leave the 
louse. It was usually played from seven o'clock until ten o'clock in the 
evening. The vibration was very great, causing an eflect very like that pro- 
duced by a slight application of galvanism. On tho first day it was played a 
Dresden plate m his room waa thrown down ; the vibration communicated 
itself to all the articles in his rooms, composed of china, glass, or metal. He 

had occupied the chambers for four or fire years, and had expended a con- 
siderable amount of money on them. The music wiu very bad, and very 
common air were played. 

The man who plays these common airs so uncommonly ill on this 
uncommonly potent instrument of torture, is a solicitor ; and he 
brings two other solicitors as witnesses that the noise is no nuisance. 

It seems that we should replace the old Scottish proverb, " Hawks 
dinna pike out hawks' een, by " Hawks dinna cleave hawks' lugs." 
Oae Solicitor went so far as to say that " the music did not interfere 
with the performance of his work, nor was it any obstacle to conver- 
sation ; he had given, his clerk instructions while it was being 

We can quite believe this. We can easily imagine a will, con- 
veying real estate, being dictated with even more sprightliness than 
usual to tho inspiriting tune of " Tommy, make Room for your 

Uncle ; " or a codicil, bequeathing a substantial legacy, cheerfully 
put into proper legal phraieology to the sentimental movement ot' 

' Then you 'U Remember 3I." So a divorce case might be drafted 
to the strains of " Take back the Heart thou gavett ! " or a letter 
insisting on payment of a milliner's bill to the inspiriting melody of 
" The Oaintboro' Hat;" or proposals for the arrangement of a 
threatened action for breach of promise set forth to the lively ditty 
of " He 's not a Marrying Man." 

The Literary Man brings an Artist and a Doctor of Science to 
corroborate his testimony. But what right have literary men, 
artists, and doctors of science to more sensitive nerves, or more 
impressible brain-structures, than lawyers ? Above all, what chance 
has one literary man against three attorneys? His Honour decided, 
with the sagacity of a Sancho, that the nuisance was " intolerable," 
but not actionable to which the only parallel we can think of is 
Dogberry' t " Most tolerable, and not to be endured." 


THR Empire on which the sun never sets and (of late) rery 
seldom rises 1 



[JANUARY 27, 1877. 



ALM spring 
weather, and a 
delicious country 
scene. A sky as 
blue as the azure 
expanse of the 
Lofty trees thick 
with emerald 
leaves, with 
great blotches of 
bloom and nests 
of saucy song- 
sters, boasting 
plumages of the 
most gorgeous 
hues. Lambkins 
dancing to the 
sound of merry 
ditties carolled 
gently by snowy- 
smocked plough- 
boys and rosy- 
cheeked' milk- 
maids. Good- 
natured pigs 
dozing in the 
sleepy, sunshine 
i model styes. Here and there a Juno-eyed cow gazing with 
wonder at the shadows thrown upon the sharp, crisp, daisy- 
sprinkled grass by the stately, golden-hued hay-ricks standing 
defiantly in the face of Phoebus-Apollo, the chariot- driving God of 
Day. In the far distance a freshly-turned field, and a quaint, 
saucy-looking scarecrow. 

And the house. Fresh as a buttercup, plump as a spring chicken. 
Whitewashed and clean, with latticed windows and sweet, dreamy- 
mouthed chimneys yielding a languid stream of faint blue smoke, 
flowers in the windows, flowers on the doors, flowers round the 
chimneys, flowers everywhere. Anyone looking at this simple, 
pretty, happy house, with its real comfort and easy artistic elegance 
would say that the inhabitants were simple, pretty, happy people- 
and anybody would be right. 

Just now the interior is scarcely seen at its best. ME. ALLSPICE- 
* LATHEES (since his marriage he has prefixed the surname of his 
e to ius own) is always influenced by his better half, and the 
gifted Lady-Novelist has recently taken up the ideas of DB. iiCHABD- 
ON. Ihus, the kitchen of Green Holm is being carried, piece-meal, 
from the basement to the roof : all the floors are being covered witn 
sheet-iron and cement, and the walls with porcelain quarrelles ; a 
staircase is being constructed separate from the rest of the building 
and a conservatory and play-ground for the children (where many 
a merry game of cricket will be essayed in days to come), is being 
covered in on the roof-at once hanging garden and sky-parlour 
fn JL f f I5 6 ar t tw I00m * sufficiently comfortable, even in this 
tangle of ladders, bricks, and mortar. One is for the boys ' ' J 
the other for Papa and Mamma. The first combines a gvin 
with a lavatory. Look in, and you will see the lads and lasses 

s ILiBBYrhTf.l'H^rth f rformln & dl wrto. of aoroba tic antics. Here 

EY, the eldest (the very image of his mother), hanging by one 

g to a small rope attached to the ceiling. Over yonder envelorjpd in 

smoke and flame, is tiny TIM (who takes after his father), conducting 

a rather dangerous chemical experiment with the round-eyed aid of 

his blue-eyed, bald-pated baby-brother. In a corner, busy with 

P * a ,t M 1SSO A rS ' 1S CHASLEr ' already (at nine) an author of some 

repute. MBS. ALLSPICE-FLATHEBS is an ardent mother, and brines 

up her little ones after a fashion of her own. 

. inter the other room, and you will find yourself in a laughter 

inviting apartment, f ull of large easy-chairs and three-legged tables 

^triT 1 ^ * 8 f . refer / nc , e ' ra books upon all til sciences,' 

encyclopaedias, dictionaries of all sorts, and grammars of every 

iguage. Here is a pocket edition (in one volume) of MANGNALL'S 

ttp^ 8 '/ 1 WOI ! n ' a ? d scored aU over with Pencil-marks) 
.ne annual Megister complete from the commencement. Six eoodl v 
shelves are devoted to the novels of the mistress of the house* ThI 
toldl* 1 choice selection (scarcely five thousand volumes all 
told) is composed of sets of Dickens, Bulwer, Thackeray, Mark 
4. lnsworth i De Quincey, Dumas (pere etftls) 
"f'Vv/r'7 ffacaulay, Disraeli, Tennyson, Ouicla, and 

- . ot LtttU Arthur's History of England. On the floor of 

this cosy room are hies of the Times, Daily Telegraph, Morning Post, 

and Daily News, from the commencement of each of the journals 
named up to the present time. MBS. ALLSPICE-FLATHEBS is rather 
proud of this collection, and seldom allows a visitor to leave without 
calling attention to her industry in " picking up papers." For the 
rest, the study is full of proofs, reams of foolscap, small printing- 
presses, gallons of ink, stacks of pens, and scores of waste paper 
baskets. You can scarcely move a step for desks. Here is one at 
which MBS. ALLSPICE-FLATHEBS writes, up-standing. Here is 
another, with a chair in front of it, " et tout ce qu'ilfaut pour ecrire," 
as the French stage-direction has it. Over yonder is a tiny table of 
ebony and ormolu, laden with proofs in course of correction, and 
in odd corners are leather-covered secretaires. Looking round you, 
as you sit in this pleasant room, so redolent of work and comfort, 
you cannot help envying the husband of the gifted occupant his good 
fortune. This Benedick, at any rate, has drawn a prize in what 
may be aptly called the luckless lottery of monotonous marriage. 

And how does this accomplished Lady pass her world-enriching 
life? A sample day will answer the question. She is up long 
before the lark. She dashes into the nursery and kisses all her 
children ; and, in good sooth, it is a pretty sight to see the mother and 
little ones together. Men and women who read Marriages Galore, 
Bigamy and Trigamy, Maud, or the Divorced One, and other works 
of this gifted woman's for which the cry at MTJDIE'S is still " Give ! 
Give ! " till all the presses of SPOTTISWOODE & Co. can scarce 
supply the demand would stare to find their favourite Authoress 
so deeply and devotedly domestic. Then she rushes off to order 
her husband's breakfast ; then tries on a new dress or a new 
bonnet ; then sits down at the piano, and runs over an opera or 
two in a rich, luscious, and soul-stirring contralto voice, full of 
nerve-thrilling notes that remind one of a cathedral organ. By this 
time breakfast is ready. It is a quiet cozy meal, eaten between 
seven and eight. 

She loves her husband with all her heart, and the affection is 
returned. For ten minutes there is pleasant homely conversation 
about MART'S cold or ALICE'S cough, and then the Authoress begins 
her work for the day. But not at her desk. Far otherwise. She 
catches an early train up to Town, and is in London before the 
clocks have chimed eight. 

Once in the Great Babylon, armed with a gigantic note-book, she 
seeks admission at the dismal door of Newgate. It is a private 
execution morning, and next week the world will be startled by the 
graphic description of " Death on the Scaffold " that will appear in 
Chapter XL VI. of Ben Barlow's Bad Bargain, now appearing in 
monthly instalments in the classical pages of Seven Dials, the most 
popular of our more sensational Magazines. 

When the sad task she has set herself is over, the devoted 
Authoress hurries away to Westminster Hall. As she trips up the 
steps of a certain Court, all the officials bow to her. She is as well 
known as the Judges on the Bench, or the leading Counsel. Good- 
natured policemen grin, and bright young Barristers in the Hall tell 
their fresh country cousins that yonder fair creature, with the 
golden hair (alas I a little streaked with silver), with the slim figure, 
the Prmcesse dress, the emerald ear-rings, the well-fitting yellow 
gloves, and the bright beaming smile, is the celebrated Authoress 
whose works are so highly improper that the very mildest of them 
runs through half-a-dozen editions in a fortnight. Now and again 
a suppressed hum of applause runs through the crowd, which she 
acknowledges with a grace all her own. As she enters the Court 
the Judge rises and beckons her to the Bench. Then his Lord- 
ship passes her his notes. Every one likes and respects her, and is 
ready to give her a helping hand in her work. Hour after hour she 
gathers materials for her next novel. If the case is tried in camera, 
an exception is made in her favour. And so the hands move round 
the clock until four is boomed out by Big Ben in the Palace of 
Westminster over yonder. 

To dash into a hansom, to drive like mad to her pied-d-terre in 
St. James s, to "make up" with a wig and beard, and to assume 
the sable swallow-tail and etceteras of full fashionable evening 
dress, is the work of scarcely two hours and a half. Thus disguised 
she roams from Club smoking-room to Club smoking-room, and 
learns many a Secret of our sex, for the benefit of her own. In 
the sacred cauie of Art she learns how women are tempted and how 
men fall. Those who watch her smoking strong cigars and drinking 
stronger brandies and sodas, would be surprised if they were told 
that the Cynic before them was a warm-hearted, generous-minded 
wife and mother, and yet so it is. The Lady-Novelist must write 
about men and women as they are, and where is the knowledge of 
them to be found if not in the scandal-steaming air of the smoking- 
room, or the disclosure-laden atmosphere of the Divorce Court ah, 
where indeed ! 

At ten she drops into the private box of a transpontine theatre (it 
is here she gets many a hint for her plots), and by midnight is once 
more at home in the bosom of her family. Seated hand in hand 
with her husband, she talks over the domestic events of the day. 
But not for long. Her desk claims her. After two hours' writing, 
she gives over work and takes up a small, red leather-covered book. 

JANUARY 27, 1877.] 



With a smile she reads the various items, and marks the mistakes 
in spelling and the odd arithmetic. Let us look over her shoulder. 

Domestic to the last ! She is perusing the pages of her butcher's 
book. The total of last week's bill was 12 7s. G|</. So ends her 
days. The self-devotion of duty has crowned the self-sacrifice of 



Subjwt of Discussion "A certain Male Superstition." 

LORD of the Creation . . . cannot 
disabuse himself of the antiquated 
notion that it is ' unfeminine ' for 
a Woman to eat enough to support 
nature. ... In the exclusive 
presence of their own sex women 
eat rationally what they require, 
but hare not generally the moral 
courage to let the opinion of their 
lords at defiance. . . . As a mat- 
ter of common tense it U time 
that the idea of iU being un- 
IVniininc for a woman to eat what 
she requires should be regarded 
an an effete superstition." ttt 

Laura. Like the Worlds im- 
pudence ! 

Georgie. Say, like its sense I 
Women have appetites. 
Mine, I own, 's 
Julia. No need to tell us that, 

iny dear. 
Fanny. Still less 

To let Society know it. 
Grace. 1 confess, 

I fear dear FEED'S 
amazement would 
he utter 

To see his sylph demolish bread and butter, 
As that same sylph can do. 

Of course! And then 
Such disillusion means disgust in men ! 

Georgie. Absurd ! The geese should know girls must have grub. 

Muriel. Don't be 


MM QUVBW MBVIUU ivuuw Kllia 1UU3L Urt>C 

) so quite too vilely vidgar I 


The gilt ofl social gingerbread, niy dear, 

And fools won't buy it. 
Blanche. ELEANOR ! So severe ! 

Her market 's spoiled, you see. Don't be alarmed : 

When a girl 's passee she may eat. 
Eleanor. y ou charmed 

I hat poor aosthetio Curate by your zeal 

For frequent fasting after a full meal. 
Lilian. Now, Girls, don't nag. No doubt the World is right 

In its remarks on Women's appetite. 

That we suppress or hide it top is certain ; 

But then, dears, is it safe to lift the curtain ? 
Amy. No. Did male artist ever paint a Venus 

Munching her apple ? 

It was gold ! 

T , . Between us 

1 think the superstition 's vastly stupid ; 

But Candour 's always sacrificed to Cupid. 
Bessie. Men are such muffs ; they 'd have us so ideal. 

I m sure my appetite is very real. 
Marian. No doubt. You 're as substantial as Dudu. 

All girls are not material, though, like you ; 

And some men have a taste for the refined 

And delioate^in body as in mind. 

For me, I think that nothing could be harder 

Than to imagine Venus in the larder. 
malicent. Precisely 1 Art and Love go hand-in-hand 

In shunning kitchen savants. 
Georgie. That sounds grand ! 

But, pray, will Art and Love, and their fine kin, 

Keep us from feeling famished, growing thin P 

In spite of P.K. painters and BCBNK JONES, 

I cannot see much beauty in mere bones. 
Helen. Of course not. But, my dears, you ought to know 

Just as the kitchen region 's kept below, 

And out of sight, so eating, in the Sex, 

Should be so nicely veiled as not to vex 

Man's visionary views and fond illusions. 
Eat, Girls ; but eat sub rota. 

Georgie. Fine conclusions 1 

I only say, if any inan supposes 
I dine not only under, but on, roses, 
I "d tell him frankly he is much mistaken, 
And that my favourite diet is fat bacon ! 

Chorus. Oh, GEOBGIK! '. '. 

Georgie. Well, I hate such false pretence ! 

And if your Cupid can't stand common sense, 
Or any appetite beyond a sparrow's, 
1 hope he 11 never plague me with his arrows. 

[General flounce out. 


Communicated through the Medium of the Spirit of Psycho Bray. 

IT will rain on many days which are marked by the weather 
prophets for fine, and particularly on those which have been chosen 
for lawn parties and pic-nics. 

Some sunshine may be looked for in the middle of July, and fogs 
may be expected in the dull days of November. 

People of weak mind will be sent upon fool's errands on the First 
of April. 

A good many geese will die in the week preceding Michaelmas, 
and there will be a very great mortality among turkeys before 

In spite of their antiquity, jokes on "tongue" and "trifle" will 
continue to be perpetrated by small wags at evening parties. 

Dreary speeches will be made by men at City dinners, and many 
a Chairman will regret that the chief toast of the evening was not 
placed in better hands. 

In the Metropolis alone above a thousand maids of all work will 
devote their Sundays out to purposes of courtship. 

Notwithstanding increased vigilance on the part of the Police, 
there will be no diminution in the number of street accidents. 

A Crossing-sweeper will die after amassing a large fortune, and will 
bequeath a handsome sum to found a Spirit-Fellowship at Oxford. 

Platitudes will be uttered when Parliament begins to sit, and 
many an orator will complain of being scantily reported. 

The Customs and Excise will not De swept away this year, nor 
will there be an abolition of the Income-tax. 

A public Orator will protest, with evident emotion, and for the 
hundredth time of utterance, that it is the very proudest moment of 
his life, when he returns thanks for the kind way in which his 
health has been proposed. 

A gang of Bears upon the Stock Exchange will try to spread a 
false report, for the purpose of depressing the price of certain 
railway shares. 

MB. HIGHFLIER, R.A., will be hugely complimented by the critics 
for his picture ; while poor TOM MAULSTICKE'S will be skied, and 
will escape their observation. 

In consequence of College debts exceeding expectation, an irascible 
old Gentleman will threaten disinheritance, but on his Wife's inter- 
cession will draw a cheque to settle them. 

A batch of Novels will be advertised wellnigh every month, and 
most of them will not be opened until handed to the butterman. 

At several dinner-parties a score of guests will be kept waiting 
for the coming of the Bride, who likes to enter last in order to be 
stared at. 

Plays will be successful upon the Paris Stage, and will hardly 
escape damnation when transferred to London. 

Penny Newspapers will brag about their size or circulation, but 
will not find much to boast of in the matter of their intelligence. 

A Bubble Company will collapse, to the injury of all who have had 
anything to do with H excepting the promoters. 

A Lady in high life will ask a masculine admirer his opinion of 
her poem, and will pretend to credit the candour of his praises. 

Tne Favourite will be scratched on the night before the race, and 
whispers of foul play will be heard among the Bookmakers. 

Bargains will be bought at many so-called Sellings-Off, and the 
buyers will be sold as well as what they purchase. 

MB. SPOONET will invite his Mamma-in-law to come and spend a 
week with him, and that Lady will arrive bringing luggage for a 

Bad Jokes will be sent by the gross to Punch every post, with 
peremptory requests for their immediate insertion. 

Union, Indeed! 

ENGLISH Church Union ! For a style 
More fit in vain might Satire search, 

Its members working, all the while, 
To disunite the English Church. 



[JANUARY 27, 1877. 



Youtig Lady. " OH, r//Ar WON'T DO ! How ON EARTH AM I TO FIND MY PLACE IN IT?" 


FINIS coronal opus ! Never sat 

A better meaning Conference than that 

Just now put out by the Imperial Hatt. 

Easy it were to raise the scornful laugh. 
A P ke 'heap fun, and heap unsifted chaff 
On the Wise West's strong diplomatic staff, 

That cracks and bends and breaks and lets us down, 
And lays low more than one Imperial crown 
Under grave MIDHAT'S fez and stubborn frown. 

Was 't that the Turk the game of brag read right, 
Foresaw that Russ tall talk would not mean fight ; 
And knew IGNATIEFF'S bark worse than his bite ? 

Or fathomed Austria's plight, by dual law 
Forced now with Slav, and now with Turk to draw, 
And ielt 'twas safe to ride on that see-saw ? 

r was 't that BISMABCK bred more hopes than fears, 
Whose interest should be to lop Bruin's ears, 
ocarco feed him fat on Turkey for some years ? 

Whate'er the secret of the Turks' sang-froid, 
-He looked cool, and ho was cool : dans son droit 
Jiorgne parmites aveugles, et partant lioi ! 

blew his bubble Constitution bright, 
With brave French colours tricked in rainbow light, 
And bade young Turkey spread tail at the sight. 

And ere he made the Conference " shut up " 
Helped them to Humble Pie, and in their cup, 
fur bitters, gave them failure's gall to sup. 

Let not the scorn of scoffers rub aside 

This salve to ruftled self-conceits applied, 

" We have done buffers' work be that our pride." 

And let not SALISBURY his fate deplore : 
No credit he has lost on Stamboul's shore : 
For he that does his best can do no more. 

And had the British Lion meant that he 
Should raise a voice to sound from sea to sea, 
He 'd but to will, for what he willed, to be. 

So ends the Conference ; shall we say " for good," 
With Christian wrongs unrighted, claims withstood ? 
Best not halloo, till well out of the wood. 

"A Thing no Fellah can Understand." 

IN an article of the Cork Examiner, on the 13th ult., on the 
recent Election for Sligo, we read : 

" CAPTAIN KINO BARMAN, who was yesterday returned unopposed for 
bligo, will very likely sit on the Conservative benches, though he will vote 
on all Irish questions with the rest of the Home-Kulers. His family has 
always been the leading Conservative power in the counties of Sligo, Long- 
ford, and Eoscommon, nnd are possessed of great territorial influence. The 
new Member created a great impression m Irish politics at the time.* 
Ihough he represents, as to property, two titles, he bears none. He holds all 
or more of the estates of his grandfather, Lord Lorton, on one side, of his 
uncle, Lord Kingston, on the other." 

Given the last sentence of the above, as the terms of the problem : 
required, to find what estate CAPTAIN KINO HABMAN does hold. 

* Query, What time f 

WHAT WE WANT TO SEE IN THE NAVY. The Engineer "hoisted" 
not by his own petard, but by rank, pay, and consideration. 




M . I 




h- < 




^ W 

o hrl 




JANUARY 27, 1877.] 





No dinner-party will 
be allowed to take place 
until the menu has been 
submitted to the Board 
of Health, and received 
its sanction under the 
official seal. 

All wines intended for 
consumption at dinner 
and evening; parties, or 
other entertainments, 
whether public or pri- 
vate, must be previously 
analysed, and certified by 
the Official Chemist. 

As waiting for dinner 
is detrimental to the 
temper and injurious to 
the digestive organs, the 
hour named in the invita- 
tion is strictly to be ad- 
hered to; and no guest, 
however exalted or 
wealthy, will be^ ad- 
mitted after the ap- 
pointed time on any plea 
or pretext whatsoever. 

Ladies are absolutely 
prohibited from wearing 
thin boots and shoes in 
the winter months and in 
wet weather. 

Ladies going to evening; 
parties will be required 

to envelope themselves from head to foot in cloaks with hoods, the pattern of which will be 
furnished by the Sanitary Dressmaker. Ladies wishing to wear low dresses, must first obtain 
a medical certificate. 

No dinner-party to take place at a later hour than seven in summer and six in winter ; 
and no ball or dance to commence after half-past seven, or be prolonged after half -past 

Children's parties to be conducted under medical supervision as to hours, dress, refresh- 
ments, &c. 

Breakfast in bed positively forbidden, except on production of a medical certificate. 
No food to be served which has not first been tested by the Public Analyser, and certified 
to contain the proper amount of carbon and nitrogen. 

It is felt that for the present at least, no veto can be put on the baneful practice of 
mixing wines at dinner and other entertainments, but residents are solemnly warned against 
such a dangerous violation of the laws of health. 

Ozone will be supplied gratis every alternate Tuesday and Thursday from 10 to 1. 
Young Ladies who have proved their ability to bear fatigue by dancing for several hours 
at night, will be expected to take at least one hour's exercise daily in the open air. 
The gift or sale of sweetmeats to Children is absolutely prohibited. 

Residents wishing to give entertainments must first state in writing the exact dimen- 
sions of their reception rooms, that they may be informed by the Public Officer of Health of 
the proper number of guests to be invited. 

No Inhabitant will be permitted to keep any animal, play upon any musical instrument, 
or indulge in any game or sport likely to prove a nuisance or annoyance to the immediate 

Street Cries and Street Music of every description will be rigorously interdicted, except on 
the unanimous application (in writing) of the occupiers of all the houses in any particular 
Square, Crescent, Gardens, or Terrace. 
There will be no Beggars. 

Servants, on engaging themselves, will be required to sign an Agreement, under heavv 
penalties, (such as loss of wages and Sundays out, prohibition of visits from " friends," 
&c.,) to remain at least one year in the same situation. 

Church Bells will not be suffered to be rung except on Sundays. 

No Medicine to be taken except under the advice and by the direction of the Public 
Officer of Health. 

The keepers of the Square Gardens have btrict orders to take into custody any persons 
found flirting on the premises. 

Cremation will be gradually introduced. Artists of the first celebrity will be invited 
to furnish designs for ornamental xurns. 

Spacious and airy premises in the heart of the country will be provided for infants while 
teething, under vaccination, &c., that no discomfort to the adult population may be caused 
by their incessant vagitation. 

No person will be accepted as a tenant on the estate until he or she has passed a pre- 
liminary examination in the theory and practice of hvgiene, domestic economy, drainage, 
ventilation, heating, lighting, cookery, chemistry, and the management of children and 

THE BEST WINE ims WET WEATHEB. Dry Champagne. 


A Domestic Drama of the ])ayfr<m 
Different Points of I '<> n-. 

SCKNK Drawing-Room of a new 

liriijhlh/ funiifi/ii'il I'illii in a Hoii 
Suburb. EDWIN unit AMIKLIITA a 
" ytiung couple " discovered " in 

Angelina (effusii-ely, looking up from her 
stitrhery). EDWIN dear, this house is a per- 
fect gem ! ! ! 

i'.ilirin (dryly, looking up from his 
''Times"). Glaa you think so, my love. 
Where ignorance is bliss. &c. 

Angelina (surprised). Why, what do you 
mean ? What fault have you to find 
with it? 

Edwin. Hundreds. 

Angelina. EDWIN, what nonsense ! It is 
very pretty and extremely comfortable. It 
is not damp, it is not draughty ; the rain 
does not come in, nor the smoke out ; the 
doors do not gape, the wainscpts do not 
yawn; the plaster does not crack, the 
stucco does not crumble. What more would 
you have ? 

Edwin (iententiouily). You enumerate its 
negative advantages in happy unconscious- 
ness of its positive terrors. 

Angelina (alarmed). Positive terrors, 
EDWIN? You positively terrify me. Is 
it can it be-yhaunted ? 

I'.ilwin. .It is! Not indeed by ghosts or 
SLADE-summoned spirits, but by the germs 
of disease and the embryons of death! 

Angelina. EDWIN, don't, be horrid, and 
do explain. 

Edwin. I will. Pretty paper this, eh ? 

Angelina. The loveliest thing ! 

Edwin. Ah ! 80 was Li UTII . So were 
the Sirens. So was that artful BELINDA 
BELLASYS, who very nearly bred strife be- 
tween us before our marriage. 

Angelina (bridling). She lovely ! Now, 
EDWIN, if you have nothing better to 

Edwin. But I have. Listen ! 

Angelina. Not if you talk about the 

Edwin. I simply referred to her as a per- 
tinent illustration. She was like this wall- 
paper pretty, but pernicious. 

Angelina. Pernicious ? 

Edwin. Precisely. It is a flock-paper, 
and therefore a ready receptacle for organic 
and inorganic dust, an exhaler of particles 
of arsenic and other poisonous effluvia ; in 
fact, a reservoir of damp and dirt, and dis- 
ease, and death ! 

Angelina. Then, for goodness' sake, have 
it down, and another one up ! 

Edwin. Of what sort? The. thinner ones 
ilso catch and retain dust, and dust is 
locomotive disease. The paperhanger's 
paste decomposes, and decomposed paste is 
bad to breathe. In fact, wall-papers are a 
bad lot, always "hydrating," or some- 
thing equally horrid, and incapable of pass- 
ing through the necessary ordeals of fire 
and water, e.g., of Bunsen flame-bath and 
scrubbing-brush. Their very patterns are 
pernicious, producing unknown to the 
victim irritation of the retina, confusion 
of the brain, vertigo, and nightmare. Pos- 
sibly, the great prevalence of giddy-pated 
?irls and muddle-headed men may be laid 
to their charge. 

Angelina. My dear EDWIN, I begin to 
suspect that the wall-paper or something 
else has muddled your head this evening. 

Edwin. The carpet, perhaps. Nay, don t 
stamp your feet so pettishly, for that beats 
out the dust; ana a room charged with 



[JANUARY 27, 1877. 


SCENE Anywhere. Any Time. 

Old Lady. " DON'T DRIVE FAST, CONDUCTOR. I 'M VERT NERVOUS ! " Conductor. " No FEAR, MU'M ! " 

[Old Gentleman, who wants to catch a Train, decides to walk! 

carpet-dust is destruction. In fact, carpets are almost as bad as 
wall-papers, and should be abolished. 

Angelina. And I was so proud of my pretty bright Brussels ! 

Edwin. All wrong ! Too bright a great deal. Sky-blue, grass- 
green, the ashen grey of morning, the pink and daffodil of eve, 
these are the only colours allowable in a healthy house. Carpets 
are a malign mistake ; boards and beeswax the things. Gas again ! 
The Landlord informed us with misplaced or Mephistophehan 
pride that it was "laid on" to every room in the house; which 
means that every room is transformed into a sort of domestic Grotto 
del Cane. Gas indeed! Giddiness, nausea, faintness, and cold 
clammy perspirations, are its milder effects. Each additional jet 
means so much more carbonic oxide and slow asphyxia. 

Angelina. But, good gracious, EDWIN, what can we do ? 

Edwin. Get back to candles and lamps, until Science perfects the 
electric light. In fine, my dear, as regards atmosphere, tempera- 
ture, and light, the three essentials to healthy life, this house is 
radically deficient ; while as regards its furnishings it is as prepos- 
terously and poisonously wrong. MrrHRlDATES might have dined 
on a lexicologist's drug-chest, but he could never keep his health in 
a modern Villa. 

Angelina. Oh, destraction ! But surely, EDWIN, if you knew all 

Edwin. I did not until thi evening. Read this report of 
DR. RICHARDSON'S lecture on Health Improvement! in Great Cities 

Angelina (much relieved). Oh. EDWIN, how could you ? What a 
scare you have given me, and all for nothing ! 

Edwin. For nothing ? Rash and ribald woman, are the edicts of 
Hygeiopolis nothing f DR. RICHARDSON 

Angelina. Oh, bother DR. RICHARDSON ! A what do you call it ? 
Utopian, isn't he P 

Edwin. My dear, the Utopias of to-day are the commonplaces of 

Angelina. Oh, I hate such crotchetty alarmists, frightening 

people till they dare not eat for fear of poison, or breathe for fear of 
pestilence. Health, indeed ! Who 's to hope for it, if we must turn 
the world upside down, and Bone's house out of windows, before one 
can get at it ? 

Edwin (deprecatingly). My dear, there are difficulties, I admit. 
Still we should thank DR. RICHARDSON for pointing out the condi- 
tions of perfect health, however slow must be the process of realising 

^Angelina (confidently}. Well, aU I know is, I'm not going to let 
his wnim-whams and whigmaleeries put me out pf conceit with my 

Eretty new house. Why, how would you like to sacrifice all this 
right colour and cosiness for earthenware walls, bees-waxed floors, 
and ashen grey rugs ? 

Edwin (dubiously). W-e-e-1 

[Scene closes as many a domestic colloquy on tlie same subject 
will close. Nevertheless DR. RICHARDSON is doubtless on 
the right track. 

Dirt v. Dirt. 

GREAT THOMAS of Chelsea, by Darwinites hurt, 

Declares Evolution " The Gospel of Dirt." 

Nicknames sting and stick, but they scarcely confute, 

Though conferred by a censor of splendid repute. 

Truth 's proof 'gainst hard names, has true THOMAS to learn it ? 

If the New Gospel 's false, by hard reason o'erturn it : 

Therewith our true THOMAS hath dealt many a stinger 

But scorn and invective recoil on the flinger. 

Leave the parsons to ply the polemical squirt at it ; 

Dirt's Gospel it won't kill or cleanse to throw dirt at it. 

MOTTO FOR A NEW JOURNAL (.from the Welsh, in more senset 
than one)."' Truth against the World." 

JANUABY 27, 1877.] 






AMONGST some curious particulars 
respecting Champagne wine, the 
Bulletin des Seances de la Societc 
< 'i'iitrale d 1 Agriculture mentions 
that Ay was pri/ed above all other 
wines by POPE URBAN II. (whom we 
now know to have been an infallible 
judge), in the eleventh century. It 
was then, according to the above- 
quoted authority, a red sort, not 
unlike Bouzy wine, which also has 
had its day of great renown." Few 
people now-a-days, probably, are 
aware of the existence of a Bonzy 
wine ; and certain Spelling Re- 
formers will perhaps suggest that 
the name of that wine, considered as 
descriptive of its effects on those 
who drink too much of it, is appli- 
cable to all manner of " intoxicating 

The New System of Chancery. 

GREAT complaint is made of the 
Law's Delay " prevalent under the 
New System" in the Court of 
Chancery. There is said to be a 
"block" in the Registrar's Office; 
another block in Chambers ; a block 
in every department of the Chan- 
cery Division. Hence it appears that 
the " New System " aoopted in 
Chancery is in fact the " Block Sys- 
tem." Strange ! The desideratum 
of our Railways is the opprobrium of 
our Courts of Law. 


THAT "Full Dress" in Her Ma- 
jesty's Foot Guards should involve 
Bear Skins. 


(Adapted from the American for the English Market.) 

Tuesday. The wedding cake (supplied by MESSES. SWEET AND 
PLUMB) cost over seventy guineas. The old woman (the Bride's 
mother) was awfully cut up, and cried until her complexion was 
utterly spoiled. This was not strange, as the Dowager's favourite 
brother has recently died of typhus fever. 

Br the way, nropos of the death to which I have just alluded, 
there were eight hundred and ninety-seven silver nails in the coffin. 

I AM very fond of Waiters, and know a large number of them. 
As this is the case, I may have something to say about the Smoking- 
Koom Talk in several leading West-End Clubs next week. 

A HORSE-WHIPPING doesn't hurt when you are accustomed to it. 

I AM accustomed to hang about stage-doors after the performances 
are over. A well-known actress (for whom I have the most pro- 
found respect) took an omnibus from the Strand to Clapham on 
Friday. She got out some little distance from her house, to save 
payment of an extra penny. And yet they say " the Prof ession " 
are improvident. 

I DINED the other evening with LADY BROWNJONES ROHINSON. 
The soup was too hot, and the fish too cold. The entrees were 
greasy, and the birds tough. The ice pudding tasted as if it had 
been manufactured in the kitchen of a third-rate pastrycook. It is 
only just to say (in answer to certain unpleasant reports that have 
been_ current of late) that LADY BBOWNJONES ROBINSON'S husband 
was in attendance. Poor fellow, he looked a little mournful. Once 
only did a " guest" address him. and then it was to ask him " To 
be good enough to pass the salt." 

I HEAR, on excellent authority, that a certain Illustrious Person- 
age has ordered half-a-dozen pairs of new boots. 

I WENT to see some Amateur Theatricals the other day, and the 
performances had a terribly depressing effect. I am not much of 
an actor myself, but I think, were I asked to play, I should go in 
for The Liar. VZKAX. 

WE understand the answer as well as the question : 

" What ii the night f 
Almost at odds with morning, which is which." 

We do not seem to fancy that night and morning, described as at 
odds with each other, are said to be falling out. But in the following 
advertisement, cut from a Dublin contemporary, occurs a passage, 
which, if parallel to the Shakspearian statement foregoing, is com- 
paratively obscure : 

IF any of the Gentlemen who witnessed the Collision near the Mater 
Misericordiae Hospital, between one and two o'clock on Wednesday, the 
10th inst., will communicate with V. 324, office of this paper, he will much 

It is too much, perhaps, to hope that the collision above alleged 
to have occurred between One ana Two o'clock, was merely a figura- 
tive sort of clash into which one of those hours somehow came with 
the other : no bones broken as they might be if the Hours in Ireland 
travelled by rail. It seems to have been a visible collision, from 
the intimation that if any of the Gentlemen who witnessed it will 
communicate with "V. 324," he that is, of course, "V. 324" 
will much oblige. But whom will "V. 324" oblige, and how, and 
wherefore? Presumably "V. 324" is one of those Preservers of 
Public Order by the English populace .not too respectfully styled 
Bobbies. Although he may be a thoroughly efficient Constable, his 
diction is certainly less perspicuous than such as beseems an officer 
of that intelligent body the Irish Police. Query for Earlswood 
One o'clock coming into collision with Two, would not One get the 
worst of it ? 

SONGS FOR LUNATIC ASYLUMS. Glees rather than Madrigals. 


[JANUARY 27, 1877. 


Or, How to Make Home Happy. 

M 1 

it. PUNCH has read 
with a great deal 
of pleasure DR. 
cellent Lectures 
upon our hearths 
and homes. Ever 
ready to assist in 
the cause of 
health and com- 
mon sense, the 
Sage of Fleet 
Street begs to 
supplement these 
lectures with a 
few hints of his 
own. It will be 
seen that the proposals of Mr. 
Punch and DB. RICHARDSON are 
equally practicable : 

Staircases. These incum- 
brances should be abolished. 
There is nothing more fatiguing 
than going up and (in some 
cases, e.g., after a joyous dinner) 
nothing more dangerous than 
coming down stairs. In lieu of 
the Staircase a trapeze should 
be rigged up. With a little 
practice, ev'try.meinber of the house should be able to swing himself 
or herself from landing to landing. The exercise will be found in- 
finitely more beneficial to the muscles than stair-climbing, and, from 
an artistic point of view, will prove exceedingly pleasant and even 

Wall Papers. These collectors of dirt should not be tolerated. 
What is wanted is some cheap, useful material that will wash and 
supply, in an unpretending fashion, heat in winter and light in 
summer. If this material, by its peculiar properties, abolishes fire- 
places and chandeliers, so much the better. It should also (when 
needed) supply pegs for hats and dresses. It might, too, change 
colour to suit the furniture. At present such a material does not 
exist, but its discovery should lead to a very valuable patent. 
Until this material is invented, the walls of rich people may be 
lined with tin, to show that they are well to do. The office-walls 
of lawyers might, appropriately, be faced with brass. 

The Kitchen. This apartment should be on the top of the house, 
outside the roof. Its new position will do away with the nuisance 
caused by the odours of cookery. 

The Nursery. It is obvious that this room should be on the top 
of the house, and also outside the roof. Noise ascends, and children 
should always have the highest (id est, the purest) air. 

The Library. The Study, it is scarcely necessary to say, should 
be on the top of the house and outside the roof. Reading in 
pure air is a healthy exercise. Heading in anything else is the 

The Drawing- Rooms. This suite should be always situated on 
the top of the house, and outside the roof. The view of the adjacent 
country will be finer from the top than from the basement of the 

The Bed-Rooms. It is superfluous to say that these chambers, 
in which good air is an absolute necessity, should invariably be built 
on the top of the house, and outside the roof. 

The Garden. TOT the sake of convenience, no better spot could 
be found for pleasure-grounds and kitchen-gardens than the top of 
the house outside the roof, of course. 

Windows. As light is lire, there can never be too many windows 
in a house. As a rule, it may be conceded that to every foot of 
brickwork there should be a yard of glass. Care, however, should 
be taken :that there should not be too much glare. Thus, an 
unnecessary window should be bricked up immediately on its 

Doors. These wooden barriers are frequently the cause of much 
illness. Were there no doors there would be no draughts. Under 
these circumstances doors should be unsparingly abolished. 

The Dungeon. This is a new but very necessary addition to the 
comforts of a home. No household conducted on truly economical 
principles should be without one. If the house is a castle, the 
dungeon should be constructed beneath the moat. It is scarcely 
necessary to say that it should be used as a place of secret confine- 
ment for the Tax-Collector, who may be cajoled into the hall by in- 
sidious politeness, there sprung upon, seized, gagged, garotte, and 
plunged into the dungeon. 


THE Venerable yet humorous ARCHDEACON OF TATOTON seldom 
opens his mouth without saying something remarkable. As, for 
instance, in moving a Resolution of defiance to the Court of Arches 
at the Meeting lately held by the English Church Union in the 
Freemasons' Tavern, to consider the Hatcham case. He said that 
the Court which had inhibited poor ME. TOOTH " ought to be called 
LORD PENZ.VNCE'S Court; " that he "knew no more shameful pro- 
ceedings than that that Court should sit at Lambeth ; " and that 
LOED PENZANCE'S Court was "a name by which it would go down 
to the odium and execration of posterity." His hearers laughed, 
not unnaturally, at language which reads like that of a preacher of 
Temperance, who has taken too much tea, abusing boer. 

ARCHDEACON DENISON is reported also to have said: 

" It is a very fine thing to come here cheering one another, and passing 
Resolutions by acclamation ; but what are we going to do for the Priests of the 
Church of England those who will be brought possibly very soon under the 
claws of LORD PENZANCE ? (Laughter.)" 

More laughter ; naturally ao;am ; laughter at the idea of LORD 
PENZANCE with claws. A funny idea, certainly. Couldn't our 
Archdeacon work it out P Is he able to draw ? Then he might put 
LORD PEMZANCE on paper, with claws and all the other extras to the 
human form which they imply. Perhaps he will favour us with a 
sketch of him thus delineated. 

Our unpayable Archdeacon proceeded as follows : 

" I believe' l that Priests will follow the example of those two men who have 
fought the real battle ; our dear friend Ma. PURCHAS, who was killed by it 
(' hear, hear ! '), and our dear friend ARTHUR TOOTH. (Prolonged cheering}. 
And there is another man who has been killed too, our dear friend DR. DYKES. 
('Sear, hear!'). Well, Ma. TOOTII is looking forward to dwelling in a 
prison during the remainder of his life ; and, if I know, the man, I must say 
nothing in this world will ever take him out of it (cheers) ; and if I had to go 
to prison, I should like to go to prison with him. (Laughter.) " 

The tables set in a roar again by a Yorick equal to SIR WILFRID 
LAWSON of course only joking. We live in happy times compared 
to those in which real martyrs were killed, and genuine Confessors 
sent to prison. Our venerable Yorick can have no real fear of 
having to go there along with MR. TOOTH. Moreover, a prison is 
not the institution to which any Judge with the requisite discretion 
would commit such defendants as those concerned in the pranks 
which ARCHDEACON DENISON'S friends have been playing at St. 
James's, (Colney) Hatcham. 

Natural (History) Question. 
Ma. PEOCIOR, in his Lecture on the Sea Serpent, says : 

" The Mermaid, again, has been satisfactorily identified with the Manatee, 
or ' Woman-Fish," as the Portuguese call it, which assumes, says CAPTAIN 
SCORESBY, * such positions that the human appearance is very closely 
imitated.' " Times. 

Has the Manatee, or " Woman-Fish," any connection with the 
modern Man at Tea the Ladies' fish the great creature at five 
o'clock kettle-drums ? 

Kill and Not Cure. 

IN a paragraph on Vaccination in the Times, the President of the 
Anti-compulsory Vaccination League is stated to be " a Clergyman 
of the Church of England, but happily (according to the Clergy 
List) without cure of souls." Happily, perhaps. But then if he 
had cure of souls he would have business of his own to mind might 
possibly mind it, and, by having his attention occupied with curing 
souls, be withheld from opposing the prevention of small-pox, and 
so promoting the propagation of disease amongst bodies. 


OLD BUTTONLESS, the bachelor, complains that whereas in former 
times his friends sent him at Christmas a dozen brace or so of birds, 
he now only receives by post a couple of dozen or so of twopenny 
Robins ! 


THE Court of Exchequer has decided that cutting cooks' combs is 
cruelty to animals. But if you don't cut cox-combs they inflict 
themselves upon you, and on which side is the cruelty to animals 
then ? ^_______ 

A NICE BISHOPEIC (fora red-hot Partisan Parson). The Palsco- 
crystic See. 

FEBRUARY 3, is? 7.' 





Young Wife (who hat been "helping" Cook). " PARSLEY, TO BE srRE !" 


AIR "And Shall Trelaumey Diet" 

AND shall they strike at Ritual rites P 

Shiill TOOTH in durance lie ? 
Then fourteen thousand Union Men 

Will know the reason why ! 

For Church and conscience JAMES'S days 

Saw Bishops sev'n confined ; 
But Cornwall's sons found means and ways 

TII rhange the royal mind. 
So we'll resist TAIT, CAIRNS, and PEN, 

And Law, in them, defy, 
We, fourteen thousand Union Men, 

And not men to say die. 

Matters of moment still we '11 make 

Of chasuble and stole ; 
"With TOOTH, in teeth of Law, we'll take 

The Mass of Rome for goal. 
While we scorn TAIT and CAIRNS and PEN, 

And power of Law defy, 
In Union's name Disunion Men, 

Though with no reason why. 

Our Roman candles high shall flare, 

On Romish altar-plate. 
And lace and flowers and frontals fair, 

While Mass we celebrate. 
So using tooth and tongue and pen 

The Law Courts to defy, 
Wi 1 fourteen thousand Union Men 

Will hang each other-by ! 

We '11 under-crcep or over-leap 

All Acts our course that bar ; 
Obedience to our Bishops keep, 

But while with us they are. 
And till we stump TAIT. Bench, and PEN, 

Against the three we 11 cry : 
If Law dares thwart Church-Union Men, 

Shall they be bound thereby ? 

" CLOUDS in the East." No wonder, now the Conference 
has ended in smoke. 


GREAT preparations are being made for the ensuing Season, which, 
the Court Newsmen assure us, is to be more than usually brilliant. 
Mr. Punch has received visits from the fournisseurs, and own men 
and maids of the elite of Fashion, who afl assure him that no efforts 
will be spared on all hands this year to make London a vortex of 
elegant entertainment. 

LADY DIOBY HOLEPICKER has passed the entire winter in tracing 
to their foundation all circumstances and scandals affecting the 
debutantes of the Season. Her Ladyship has investigated all par- 
ticulars of their fathers' properties and portions, their own expec- 
tations in the way of settlements and pin-money, and their pecuniary 
as well as personal " figures." LADY D. H. hopes also to be in a po- 
sition to give her friends the exact facts relating to all the com- 
promising connections, unfortunate attachments, runaway matches, 
and actual or probable elopements, separations, and divorces, which 
formed the chief topics in distinguished circles in the course of last 
Season, and at'good visiting houses through the autumn and winter. 

LORD HAUTENBAS has made his usual New Year's distribution of 
bon-bons, as retainers at the tables where he expects to have a 
seat kept for him during the approaching Season. LORD H. has 
passed several weeks in handicapping his friends' Cooks, and in 
arranginor with his entertainers in futuro the people to be cold- 
shouldered and invited where he dines. His Lordship has not quite 
settled which Opera-box at both houses shall have the distinguished 
honour of his patronage. Several nouveaux-riches are competing 
for the preference. 

TOMMY TAMECAT lias been diligently working all his Clubs in 
succession for the last three weeks, and is now engaged to dinner 
every day for a month from the opening of Parliament. He 'has 
taken" notes of every tit-bit of fashionable scandal and exclusive 
gossip, and every high-flavoured double entendre, he has been able 
to pick up in his autumn rounds, and has almost finished arranging 
them according to the tables at which he means to bring them in. 
He has also got into working order his choice stock of assorted 

compliments, to match the capacities and styles of his hostesses in 
prospective, with quotations from ALFRED DB MUSSET, BYKON, or 
BROWNING, for cases where the recipient is likely to understand the 
French or appreciate the English. TOMMY has also been concluding 
beneficial arrangements for the Season with his tailor, his boot- 
maker, and job-master, on the mutual principle of limited patronage 
and unlimited credit. 

The HON. Mas. LUCBETIA SLYBOOTS has been damaging her diges- 
tion at five o'clock Kettledrums with every conceivable decoction of 
Assam, Congou, and Orange Pekoe, for the purpose of clearing her 
character from those odious imputations which that horrid MRS. 
GRUNDY has been spreading about her without the slightest founda- 
tion. MRS. S. has oeen seen at Church every Sunday and Friday 
since New Year's Day ; and if that absurd man, GODFREY STALKER, 
will leave his regiment to come to the same Church, for the same 
services, is it her fault? Is not the idea quite too supremely 
ridiculous P Isn't it dreadful to think what wicked things people 
do think of other people ! If people would only mind their own 
business ! 

BIANCA WESTAL is coming up for her first season. She can 
scarcely sleep for the preparations she is making. She has got no 
money to speak of, but, thank goodness, she is pretty enough to be 
adored without, and rose tarlatan does become her so quite too 
awfully, particularly with stephanotis in her hair and they say the 
Prince dotes on stephanotis. And she is to be presented by LADY 
DIQBY HOLEPICKER, who is to kind; and if she should be asked to 
Marlborough House, won't it be quite too awfully jolly ! 

Ritualist Venison. 

THE sympathy of the English Church Union with MR. TOOTH 
may be heightened by a feeling peculiar to Englishmen admira- 
tion of an offender who shows nimself game. Undoubtedly the 
contemner of the Court of Arches is game to the backbone ; but 
the game is too High. 




[FEBRUARY 3, 1877. 


HELP yourself ! " is a good rule, and a capital text, on which 

, , 

ME. SMILES, some time ago, preached a sermon by examples, with 
the title of Self-Help. The moral of this sermon is summed in the 
old proverb, " God helps those who help themselves." For there 
indeed lies the strength of " Self-Help 5 ' it is God's help. And 
now MR. SMILES has preached another sermon on the same text, 
called The Life of a Scotch Naturalist. It is the wonderful true 
story of a wonderful true man THOMAS EDWARD, Associate of the 
Linnrcan Society, and souter in Banff ; a story to bring tears 
into the eyes, and to fill the heart with sadness and gladness : a 
story to make those who read it better, humbler, and gentler, and, 
above all, more thankful to the Great Father of All, who can so 
mysteriously teach and guide, strengthen and lead up one of the 
humblest of his children, from eleven years of age till sixty-three 
an earner of distressful bread at a cobbler's stool with an average 
waje of nine. shillings a-week. 

THOMAS EDWARD has lived two lives. There was first the humble 
life of the hardly brought up son of a poor weaver ; scholar, now 
and then, for brief spells, of brutal dominies ; next apprentice of 
a drunken ruffian ; then toiling bread-winner for a brave and tme 

wife, and a well-reared family of eleven children. This was the 
man who helped himself. 

But side by side with this life he was living another of com- 
munion with the wonderful works of God, who took upon himself 
this part of his teaching, instead of the dominie with his taws and 
cane ; binding him apprentice to nature, instead of drunken CHARLEY 
BEGQ in the Gallowgate'; and after his days of sordid stooping over 
uppers and twitching at waxed-ends, giving him nights of wonderful 
intercourse with all living things ; appointing him "thebeasties"for 
books, and the silent hours of darkness for his school-time ; and holes 
in dykes, or bields under stone walls, or bits of crumbling ruin, for 
his school-rooms. This was the man helped of God. 

If you want to know how THOMAS EDWARD lived those two lives 
side by side, helping himself manfully under the heavy burdens of a 
poor man among poor men, and letting God help him wonderfully, 
in gathering wide and rare knowledge of plants and beasts, birds, 
and creeping things, fishes, and crabs, starfishes, and molluscs, 
till he was able to add new chapters to the great book of natural 
science, teach teachers, and win honour from renowned Natu- 
alists, and was, at length, made an Associate of the most famous 

FBBBUAUY 3, 1877.] 




Polite PoxhunUr. " Bur WHY WON'T YOU LET us HELP YOU OUT ?" 


of their societies, you. will find the story told fully and feelingly 
in MB. SMILES' Life of a Scotch Naturalist, JOHN 

And you will read, too, how close work at the cobbler's stool by 
day, and wandering and watching and lying out by night, wrestlings 
with winter's winds and frosts, drenchings with rain, wettings from 
seas, tumbles from cliffs, with long fastings, and spare "fare, at best, 
of oatmeal cakes and water, played havoc with a strong body, so that 
at sixty-three, THOMAS EDWARD is an old and crippled man. 

In the same book is told the touching story of this man's loneliness 
and disappointments : how, under the pinch of hard times, he had, 
again and again, to sell the collections he had so laboriously made, 
which he straightway set to making over again, like ROBERT BRUCE'S 
spider ; and how the prophet, honoured as he was by wise and famous 
men far away, was not honoured in his own country Banff bailies, 
and Banff bodies, and Banff souls, being too high or low to see the 
poor souter, bowed over his work, and so lower still. 

But you will not read in the book for that came after it 
was written how the QUEEN and LORD BKACONSFIELD, having 
read the story of THOMAS EDWARD'S life, were moved by a common 
thought to put THOMAS EDWARD on the Pension List for a modest 
fifty pounds a year, so that for the rest of his life he may give 
himself wholly to the reading of God's Book of Creation, without 
being a burden to the children who have been true and helpful 
stays to him thus far. For among THOMAS EDWARD'S other 
good gifts from God, is a good and wise wife, and they have bred 
good bairns. And so Punch takes leave of THOMAS EDWARD in 
harbour at last ; and, lifting his hat, and holding out his hand 
to this stout-hearted and rarely-endowed man, craves leave as the 
highest honour should come the ; latest to offer this hit tribute of 
respect after Prime Minister and QUEEN. 


THE Church of St. James, Hatcham, has been shut up. So has 
the Incumbent. Serve him right, till he consents, by shutting his 
month, to open his prison. 


" Alcohol ha so great an affinity for water lhat it is only by the greatest 
care that the chemist can obtain it absolutely pure." 

" The Science of Alcohol."- ECHO. 

EBRIOSUS, loquitur. 

ALC'HOL 'finity warrer ? Stuff ! Can't he ! 

Don't hie ! b'leave it ! All pure fiddle 'dee ! 

Just fancy Alc'hol yearning for the Pump, 

Like some half-mad T'totaller on the stump ! 

' 1 tiklus ! Pooh ! Alc'hol got more Spirit 'n that. 

What ? Chemist chap can't part 'em '( What a Hat ! 

Shee ! Here'sh Brandish and there' sh warrer ! Wonder 

Where' sh the trouble keep them two ashunder ? 

Here goesh Brandish, there stops Warrer ! Why 

They both sheem quite contented. Sho am I. 

I don't believe they 've any more affinity 

Than has a Derby Dutch-doll for divinity, 

Eh? Sciensh proves it ? Hie! Who'sh Sciensh ? A Blow 

Sciensh ! What d'ye mean by C,H,,0 ? 

Whash that prove ? Eh ? Mere Alphabet gone mad. 

Bother your symbolsh ! Stick to facts, my lad. 

Some new dodge of WILFRID LAWSHON'S. What ! 

Brandish. Alcohol, and Warrer ? Rot ! 

I lovesh Brandish, and hatesh Warrer Y Mir 'em ? 

Haven't done so for yearsh, Shir ! Guess that nicks "em. 

Here 's lots o' warrer lately all about. 

Best take in Brandish to keep Warrer out. 

Sciensh 's crackjaw gibberish all a cheat. 

Here ! Mary ! Nurrer go o' Brandish, neat ! 


NBW Quecn'i Theatre reading of a line; in Macbeth, Act iv., 

Scene 1 : 

" For none of woman-Biorn shall harm Macbeth." 



[FEBRUARY 3, 1877. 






WE stand at a carre- 
four in the : heart 
of a mighty city. 
A quiet, old- 
fashioned quarter 
with "sets" of 
picturesque street- 
pieces and wings. 
A many- windowed 
club-house, full of 
wits and wags, 
and (at Yuletide) 
good Christmas 
cheer. Here, a 
shop with quaint- 
ly conceived card- 
board animals sus- 
pended on elastic 
strings, and dan- 
cing nimbly to 
silent mus'ic 
There, a many- 
gabled dwelling, 
that might have 
served good QUEEN 

BESS for a villa, in the days -when young WALTEE RALEIGH was ignorant of 
potatoes, and had never smoked tobacco. A sleepy, glaring, sun-stricken 
street in the summer, and in the winter a desolation of ice and rain and snow. 
A short cut for the lonely hansom," dashing from cumbered Cqvent Garden to 
renewed Leicester Square those " Fields," where man of wit and pleasure 
met man, rapier to rapier, in the days gone by. A very new street, and yet 
an old one. The very place for an actor's dwelling full of old memories, with 
many a good tap and cosy tavern within easy reach, and boasting a name that 
wears the crown of histrionic art. It is in this street of weird fancies and 
rich stage associations that J. K. S. SLOGGEB has pitched his tent. Many years 
ago, when he was struggling as a provincial Hamlet, he was content to be 
bounded in an attic, but now, in the full glow of success (when his usual terms 
are half the gross receipts and a clear benefit), he rents a flat. Few of those 
who gaze at the six .windows of his rooms, guess that behind those costly 
curtains of lace, lives the Great Actor of the day, in a very museum of dramatic 
art. And yet so it is. SLOGGER is too comprenensive an artist to be fetterec 
by the conventional "lines of business." He is a tragic comedian, or a comic 
tragedian as the case may be. Not only is his heart in his art, but (and let the 
sneering world mark this well), his art is in his heart ! A hard saying to 
Cockneys, and yet a true one. 

JOHN ItEMBLE SIDDONS SLOGGEB is an actor first, and then, after due interval 
a man. He scorns the modern school, with its cup-and-saucer quietude anc 
its drawing-room ease. He hates the mere gentleman actor's tone and morning 
dress in good society with the high and holy hatred of the ideal artist of the 
His present and future lie in the past. To him tradition holds high 

rule over grovelling, prosaic nature. For more than thirty years, he wil 
tell you with pride, no one has heard him speak in a natural voice. The waitei 
who takes his order for dinner, in eating-houses where he is a stranger, shrink 
back, appalled, at his question of when the joint is in the best cut, and tremble 
when he alludes to vegetables. A terribly gloomy man, with short hair and a 
long black moustache. Partial friends declare that his tragedy is perfectly 
awful ; and impartial critics insist that his comedy is more awful still. An awe 
inspiring, attention-wearying man, and yet a man with a heart worth it 
weight in gold and precious stones. Let an appeal be made to him in th 
sacred name of charity, and all he asks is that he may have the best part, n 
rivals near his throne, and, above all, his name printed at the head of the bi 
in letters at least two feet long. These simple conditions complied with, an 
his support is easily secured. 

Let us look at this great good man at home. Let us ascend the stairs an 
enter his suite of rooms. If we will only listen while he rifles his rich store 
anecdotes, we may make sure of a welcome. 

A simple unpretending hall, with tables bearing ormolu clocks, plate 
goblets, and imposing double-silvered coffee-pots. Once TINSEL was 
manager, and these are the testimonials presented to him by his grateful en, 
ployes. That tarnished Tea-set represents the respect of fifty Ballet Gir^ 
who mulcted themselves for its purchase of five shillings a-piece out of average 
weekly salaries of under a pound. That showy pair of Candlesticks is a proof 
(at the instigation of the Stage Manager) of the hearty good-will of seven-and- 
twenty Stage Carpenters, Gas men, and Supernumeraries. TINSEL may 
well prize these testimonials, for there is not one of them that does not repre- 
sent a scanty salary made more scanty, and a ,poor home reduced to greater 
poverty, to do him honour. 

A passage leads from the hall to the sanctum. In this passage is a mighty 
cupboard full of brown-paper-covered books. These books are tied up and 
addressed to J. K. S. SLOGGEU, Esq., at various Theatres Royal. "When SLOGGEE 
takes his annual tour, pieces pour in upon him by the score and by the 

undred. Sucking SIIAKSPEARES and sprouting SHKKI- 
ANS send their choicest works to him, hoping that those 
orks will be perused, hoping that those works will 
arry their authors on to the boards of Drury Lane, and 
nto the highest niches of the Temple of Fame. Their 
nd is in SLOGGER'S passage cupboard. 
As his visitor enters the sitting-room, SLOGGER rises, 
fetches forth his hand with a graceful wave, and bows, 
hen he seizes two chairs by their backs, drags them 
orward into the centre of the room, motions to his guest 
o seat himself, and produces a set of folio volumes full 
f newspaper cuttings. For hours and hours he will, 
dth a kindly defiance of fatigue, read you notices of 
is own performances. While he reads, let us look round. 

A room full of " properties." Here a gilt table laid out 
ith a papier mache banquet ; there an old clock point- 
ng for ever to ten minutes past nine. Over yonder a can- 
as light-house belonging to a sensation drama. Chairs 
ind tables of all styles and periods, and a portion of a 
ransformation scene. A real cab, and a profile train 
hutting up like a telescope. That cab was the saying of 
, domestic drama, and yonder train (a "ter-rain," as 
ILOGGEE pronounces it once made the fortune of a ' ' scene 
f real life." When SLOGGEK retired from management, 
ie'*secured these properties. Some of them are still 
useful. In the provinces he occasionally stoops from 
HAKSFEARE to authors of more modern date. When 
e ' does so he sometimes finds it useful to be able to 
upply a clock for the Corsican Brothers, or a light- 
louse for the Turn of the Tide. 

Yes ; this is indeed an artist. Ask him what he knows of 
is contemporaries, and he will tell you, with that candid 
elf-absorption which belongs togemus,_ "Nothing." The 
lead he praises heartily, because, egotistical as a child, 
ike all true artists, his world is himself. His acting, ho 
idmits may be like nothing in nature. Why should it 
)e ? It is acting. That the ideal is the goal in his Art, 
le informs you with pardonable pride not the real. His 
lope is that the Government will one day awake to a 
sense of. its responsibilities to the Drama, and found a 
National Theatre, with Tradition at its base and SLOGGEE 
at its apex. " Then, and not Itill then," as he sadly re- 
marks, " there will be a hope for the Stage." " For the 
present, Sir," he adds, " what with this absurd cry for 
Nature,' and this gross craving after ' realism,' they 
lave knocked the Art of Acting out of time either 
'orced the true Tragedian into the Provinces, or humi- 
lated him to the degradation of opening the Pantomime 
season at the Lane! " 

Look on SLOGGEB with respect. He is the relic of a 
great past ; the surviving Mastodon of a generation of 
mtediluvian Behemoths ! 


Air old Sack wants much patching. 

There is a remedy for everything, could men but find it. 

Flies are busiest about lean Horses. 

He that deceives me once, it is his fault ; if twice, it 
is mine. 

God in the tongue, and the Devil in the heart. 

A Rat may very ill plead law. 

The Crow bewails the Sheep, and eats it. 

The higher the Ape goes, the more he shows his tail. 

The Cat would eat fish, but would not wet her feet. 

Honsy is weet, but the Bee stings. 

A Lion's skin is never cheap. 

They that are booted are not always ready. 

It needs a long time to know the world's pulse. 

One Sword keeps another in the sheath. 

He that does fight with silver is sure to overcome. 

Bells call others, but themselves enter not into the 

The early Bird catches the Worm. 

By scratching and biting Cats and Dogs come together. 

Threatened folks live long. 


Mas. GASIP lately had a patient under her care, whom 
she proclaims to all her acquaintance as the most won- 
derful of travellers. " Yes, indeed, my dear, he tell 
me he 've been twice through the Sewage Canal ! " 

:'., 1877.] 





"f the- assurance 
inspired by j'our in- 
variable kindness to 
the humblest mem- 
bers of the Great 
Republic of Letters 
1 am emboldened to 
address you on a 
subject very near 
to my heart. For 
many years it lias 
been my ambition to 
become a dramatist, 
but 1 have hitln rt<i 
lacked "inven- 
tion." My dialogue 
is considered, by 
many most Influen- 
tial friends, to be 
above praise. To 
quote one of them 
" Good is not the 
word for it." I be- 
lieve I have struck 
upon a vein at last. 
\Vithout transla- 
ting from the 
French, without 
rushing to the Cir- 
culating Library, 
I think I can get a 
framework for my 
plots. Recently, a 
gentleman of great 

literary ability (of course you remember False Shame, a very clever comedy*) 
has turned to SHAKSPKARK for a plot for an opera ; then why should I not go 

[* Our Correspondent is perfectly right in this particular. False Shame was an excel- 
lent piece. ED.] 

to the same source for " the arguments " of my pieces ? 
I have jotted down a few ideas, and shall be glad to 
hear your opinion of them. 

Hamlet. Capital notion for a comedy. Of course 
I'li/i, niiia would pretend to be the ghost of Jlnnii'f'.i 
father. Great fun might be got out of this. Scene in 
England in the present day. All the killing naturally 
would have to be cut out. Something might be done 
with tho play-sceneamateur theatricals, you know? 
Then end the piece with Gertrude's marriage, and get a 
laugh out of the mistake of the pastry-cook in sending 
the funeral baked meat* for the wedding-breakfast. By 
the way, Uphi-lin'* ballads would, of course, have to be 
worked into a " topical song " to airs of the day. 

Othello. A domestic drama, with a happy ending. I/iy 
the scene of the piece during the last war, and make the 
Moor a nigger. Turn Ingn into a female character, and 
make him (or rather ! mima's mother --in-law. 

The great situation at the end of the play should be Olhi //> 
unable to get into bis house to murder his wife (ot 
he should DO tipsy at the time), because he can't find the 
hole in tin 1 lock for his latch-key. Catsio, Srabantio, 
and Ktiderign should be worked up into one character. 

Merchant of Venire.- Obviously a modern comedy. 
The character of Shyliick should all'ortl opportunities for 
a number of happy hits at the extortionate rate of 
interest charged by West-End usurers. 1'nrtin would be- 
come a " Woman's Rights " person. Great fun could be 
got out of the Court Scene, which should rival the one 
in MB. ARTHUR SULLIVAN'S operetta. Trial by Jury. 

The above are merely specimen schemes, and the list 
might be extended to almost any length. 

Apologising for troubling you, I now lay down my 
pen, and humbly sign myself 

Yours most sincerely, 

The Oaks, Isle of Skye. BHAKSPEAHE, JUN. 

A CHARMING ABRAT. (Before some of ROMNEY'S and 
SIB JOSHUA'S Portraits of Pretty Darlings at Burlington 
House.) How lovely are the Young Misses of the Old 
Masters ! 


FREQUENTERS of the Opera have heard a Statue sing. LORD 
HOUOBTON, on unveiling the Image of the immortal BURNS, which 
Glasgow has set up, to the credit of the citizens of that ilk, as well 
as the Poet's honour and glory, thus elegantly suggested the possi- 
bility of a singing 'Statue other than that of the celebrated Com- 
mendatore. He said, referring to the Memorials of deities, heroes, 
and tyrants, erected by the people of ancient Egypt : 

" Among the most ancient monuments which attract the traveller in that 
country is a colossal figure of a god or hero of tho name of MEMNON, of which 
there is a strange and beautiful tradition. It was believed that by some 
magical attraction and supernatural sympathy, the rays of the rising sun drew 
forth at morning from the inanimate stone sounds of such exquisite music as 
unarmed and entranced all who had the good fortune to be within the range 
of the mortal ear. Now, Gentlemen, I have a fancy that the ardour of your 
affections, and the light, of your imaginations, might almost draw from this 
Statue a song of some hundred years ago -a strain of beauty that might go to 
your heart of hearts." 

a a recK, o' Maut." w hat lor no f Only fancy these 
songs, sung by the Barns Statuo, and accompanied as it were by a 
morning-song or skirl of the bagpipes. Wouldn't they, in really 
o musical effect, surpass the singing of the Man of Marble that 
comes to sup with Dun Juan f Would not BURNS bang both 
iMEMxoy and MOZART P Punch respectfully puts the question to 
his genial friend, PROFESSOR BLACKIE. 

The Kirk to a Kintraman. 

THE first of a' MAO ADAM'S clan 

Whence cam' he ? TAM o' CHELSEA, say. 
Dot o' Marino Ascidian, 

Or Spawn o' Frog, or clarts o' Clay ? 

Gospel o' Durt ye '11 na believe ? 

Eh, TAMMIE, mon-ye 're awfu' wrang. 
Is Dart na Clay ? Wow. TAM, I grieve 

To think whar ye ore like to gang ! 

A Contribution to the Atomic Theory of Politics. 

"I may say that in the transactions of the hist few years, we, the States- 
men if I may use that term have learnt as much from the masses of the 
people as the masses of the people have learnt from us." SIB STAFFORD 
NOKTHCOTE at Liverpool. 

EUREKA ! The look-out ahead is less dense ; 

There is hope, after all, for the governing classes. 
Our Statesmen, in search of some atoms of sense, 

Have found, of late years, what they want in the masses, 
Remembering Shipping and Slave Trade affairs, 

One can hardly deny that SIR STAFFORD spake truly. 
Yet Monads in office will give themselves airs, 

And look down on Masses as blind and unruly. 
SIR STAFFORD himself could austerely reprove 

When he found Eastern policy did not content 'em. 
'Tis plain if the Masses some Monads would move, 

It must be by sheer dint of united momentum. 

A Lion in Horsemonger Lane. 

THE REV. MR. TOOTH has had to announce that there must be 
some limitation to the crowd of people who rush to visit him in 
prison. He finds himself at once a Confessor and a Lion at least a 
Confessor in a Lion's skin. The multitude of disciples who keep 
walking in to see this Ritualist Lion, suggests comparison between 
themselves and those whose lot was cast in less pleasant days of 
persecution, when the cry was " Christianas ad leonem ! "but the 
Lion, then, had teeth and claws, and was free to use them. 


THE Shah arrived at Gibraltar with her piston-rods unfit for 
service. If the Admiralty can't keep its own Rods in order, ought 
not Parliament to have Rods in Pickle for it ? 


WHO is "The Horrid Girl" we see advertised? Can it be 
"Bella, Horrida Bella" t 



[FfiBUUARY 3, 1877. 






JOKN BULL soliloquiseth on the state of his Fleet and the status of 
the Engineer. 

" One of the most intelligent, and probably the best, of naval critics tells 
us that no one knows with any degree of thoroughness what use is made of 
our Navy, how it is managed, or what it is worth ; but, so far as the limited 
knowledge of the best informed enables any one to form an opinion, the pro- 
bability is that all is wrong In MR. REED'S vigorous language, ' the 

ship is a steam-being, and the only man who understands it, can work it with 
safety, can control it efficiently, can use it, care for it, tend it, preserve it, 
repair it, renew it, is the Engineer." The Engineer, the functions of the 
Engineer, and the position of the Engineer, should beheld in honour; but, 
in fact, ' he remains to-day almost precisely where he was twenty years ago 
a snubbed, subdued, subordinated man, with a dozen officers put above him 
to look down upon him.' "The Timea on Ma. BEBD'S Letter about "Naval 

So " Nobody knows ! " That 's remarkably pleasant I 

A nice thing to learn at this late time of day ! 
A sweet game this Naval Blind, Hookey ! At present 

I don't seem to relish my hand in the play. 
Many millions I 've spent on the modern " Steam-being," 

You don't buy that sort of big toy for a song ; 
And now 'midst my Critics I find none agreeing, 

Except on one point that all 's probably wrong ! 

Nobody knows ? Well, those precious twin Titans 

Have turned topsy-turvy our Naval Affairs ; 
But are Iron and Steam a malign brace of Sheitans 

To empty my purse and to fill me with scares ? 
All that Steam-beings can do, or can't, in fair fighting, 

Perhaps we shan't learn till the things come to blows. 
But are mine trustworthy ? It 's somewhat affrighting 

To find the sole answer is Nobody knows! 

Nobody knows ! Years ago about fifty, 
My Navy was tested. We found it " all there." 

Since then all is new, and I haven't been thrifty 
In paying since change was the call for my share. 

The new Iron Pot puzzles me, I admit it. 

Smart Science shouts " Progress ! " She 's right, I suppose. 
But what 's the Pot worth, if 'gainst rivals I pit it ? 

That seems a fair question, but Nobody knows. 

Nobody knows ? Well, here 's REED, ex-Constructor, 

A smart sort of chap and a dab at a yarn ; 
Would fain through the dense Marine maze play conductor. 

He knows the " Steam-being " from stem unto stern. 
He, no doubt, feels that he should be sole supervisor, 

With ample and ship-shape Reports year by year, 
With a right to take henceforth for Naval Adviser 

That much misused being, the Chief Engineer ! 

' Snubbed, subdued, and subordinate ?" Well, I 'd a notion 

The Creature was certainly more cockahoop. 
REED paints him as Ought-to-be Lord of the Ocean, 

Head-boss of the steam-ship from fok'slo to poop. 
He only can handle it, guide it, preserve it, 

Whilst JACK, though a iolly and dauntless sea-dog 
(Poor JACK sorely snubbed ! does he really deserve it ?) 

Is shades of old Salts ! like a flat in a fog. 

Well, they '11 want him to fi^ht I suspect notwithstanding. 

He '11 maybe outlast all their huge devil's-gear ; 
He 'stablished his status 'neath other commanding 

Than that of our Crichton, the Chief Engineer. 
But destiny 's stern ; if the new battle 's brunt 

Must be borne by the handler of pistons and cranks, 
Let him come to the fore as a fact we can't shunt, 

And receive his reward in pay, honours and thanks. 

Mine I 'm sure will be his if he '11 help to untangle 

This horrible muddle called " Naval Affairs ; " 
Make peace 'midst the critics who boggle and jangle, 

And shut up swell duffers who give themselves airs. 
A fleet that 's not phantom I claim for my money, 

With ships not a terror to me but my foes. 
But whenever I ask how I stand, it seems funny 

To hear, for sole answer, that " Nobody knows ! " 







! 2 

5 s 

I s 

T3 W 

3 p>- 



ff W 






f s 

S a 








FKBRUARY 3, 1877.] 





his late mission, accounting for 

SIR, So many people have asked 
why I was not at the Conference, 

that I feel I must speak oxit, and own that, though lyou sent me, I did not go. 
No, Sir. I am not one of your Pretenders (by whom you have of late been duped) 
who take your money and write accounts of what never took place. Sir, I 
meant going. I smoked Turkish pipes, I ate Russian caviare, and, in order to 
he thoroughly up in the Great Eastern Question, I bought Great Eastern shares, 
about which at the time there was a considerable question. Then I went in for 
Circassian Pomade, night and morning, thus 'pouring oil on the troubled waters, 
or rather putting grease or, what MB. GLADSTONE would call the " Hellenic 
Factor " on my brain. I substituted Kurds for milk at breakfast-time. By 
the way, why hasn't some enterprising hairdresser invented a pomade, and 
called it the " Hellenic Factor," with a dedication to MR. GLADSTONE ? There 's 
the idea, and no extra charge r I sent for my true and tried friend, PEGGUL BET 
(who is now undergoing the shrimp-cure at a favourite watering-place), and in 
order that the Russian interest should be represented equally with the Turkish, 
I dropped a line to dear old GENERAL SN-EZANUFF KOKFITOFF, who has been 
laid by the heels ever since November with a severe cold, which has prevented 
his seeing anyone even his creditors, whose attentions during his illness have 
been unremitting. 

Well, Sir, we three started for the Conference. Poor SNEZANFFF KORFITOFF 
only got as far as Charing Cross, when he suddenly exclaimed, in Russian 
"Hallo! I've forgotten my pocket-handkerchief!" and disappeared, with 
seedy-looking individual close at his heels probably somebody who had found 
the missing mouchoir. PEQOTJL BET, who had got a box of shrimps with him, 
which he takes like voice-lozenges, blenched at the sight of the sea, turned pale, 
and turned tail. He went back to his shrimp-cure, while I boldly stepped on 
board the steamer, and gaily bade adieu to the smashed pier of Dover and the 
white cliffs of Albion. 

On arriving in Paris I received a telegram' from my private French 
Secretary, who always travels in advance with my things for to-morrow night. 
" Encore uite bonne Conference alle tort." What could I do ? Nothing. Sol 
waited in Paris expecting the return of the handsome SALISHUBT (as we gay 
dogs call him to distinguish him from " Salisbury Plain ") who would, of course 
take Paris on his way and tell me all about it. This, Sir, is how I came to find 
myself in the gay city, where the present " Occupation of Paris" is to go to 
the theatres, the weather not permitting much lounging in the Elysian Fields, 
or promenading up and down the Bulwarks of the Italians. Once more I roared 

_._-. Margots (musique 

de GBISART). yet, at all events, I yielded to the charm of PESCDABD'S voice and 
manner, and again bore testimony to the excellence of the ensemble which would 
have triumphantly carried a far worse piece than Le Trois Margots. 

Opcras-buuffes are a French specialite. But, Sir, I did not waste my time 
in trifles li^ht as air, but I went to assist at Un Drame au Fond de la Mer, in 
five Acts, six Tableaux, now being played at the Theatre Historimte. A most 
exciting play. Situr Ikginald, a paralysed English Baronet, malting a voyage 
on board the Washington (I think), with two millions-worth of diamonds in a 
small box, goes with the wreck, his wife and the box, to the bottom of the sea. 
An engineer (James Norton), and an officer of the French Marine, Henry de 

Sartene, rivals for the hand of Mees Emily, the orphaned 
daughter of Stew Reginald, quarrel violently on board 
tiif iii-i'at Eastern, and both descend, habited as divers, 
to look after the cable which has come to grief. They 
are accompanied by one Karl, a thorough-paced scoun- 
drel, who having ascertained the exact locality of these 
diamonds, lias determined to possess himself of the two 
millions. The stene on board the Ureat Eastern is ad- 
mirably contrived. Then the divers f?o through nine 
changes of tableaux, all capitally managed and most 
i-ll'i i tivi' until tli<-y arrive at the bottom of the sea. Here 
we find Mii'in- Itujjitalil, his wife, and the crew in a high 
state of preservation, looking uncommonly like MADAME 
TCSSAUD s figures, but none the less awful on that account. 
Karl makes for the diamonds, Henry de Sarti'ne, one of 
the engineers above mentioned, rushes as fast as the 
diving dress and helmet will let him, at Karl, who, 
seizing a hatchet, cuts Henry de Sartene's wind-pipe, 
that is, I mean the air-bag, or whatever it is that gives 
the diver the necessary supply of air. A terrific act this, 
and down comes the curtain to shouts of applause. 

After a long entr'acte, we return, to find ourselves in 
England at least, as the place is not named in the pro- 
gramme, I suppose it must be England, because the 
hrst person who walks on into a dingy, official-looking 
room is " un policeman," a stiff, red-whiskered personage, 
in a queer sort of helmet, Berlin gloves, and a dark-blue 
long-tailed coat of a very ancient pattern. Four other 
policemen bring in James JVor-TON, who is accused of the 
murder of Henry de Sarti'ne. The evidence, which is 
given chiefly by the villain Karl, is dead against the 
unfortunate James Nor-Toir. whose case is heard in pri- 
vate by the Coroner, an elderly gentleman, stern, but 
occasionally humorous, with a comic clerk, who gets the 
laughs when the Coroner doesn't. 

James Norton is committed, and is about to be led off 
by the four policemen, when the crowd, which has been 
"heard without," groaning and hooting, is suddenly 
admitted (so as to make an effective termination at the 
end of the scene, and to bring the Coroner to the front 
again, as his part has been getting a trifle flat by this 
time), and rushes fiercely towards James Norton, who is 
at this moment in imminent danger of being torn from 
the four policemen, and subjected to Lynon law. At 
this juncture the Coroner, still humorous, though firm 
and resolute, pulls from his pocket a sort of conjuror's 
black wand, ^tipped at both ends with ivory (exactly 
what ROBERT HOUDIN used to have), and bids the surg- 
ing crowd retire " au nom de la hi! " 

But the Coroner, having once got into the drama, is 
not so easily got rid of as the mere letting down of a 
curtain implies. Not a bit of it. The crowd finds out 
that Karl, and not James Norton, is the real murderer, 
and out comes 'everybody policemen and all on the 
rocks to catch Karl, and Lynch -him. 

They are on the point "of seizing the unhappy wretch 
(by the way, no murder has been committed after all, for 
Jffflri/ turns up safe and sound, but this is a detail), 
and doing for him effectually then and there, when the 
humorous Coroner suddenly, but quietly, appears from 
behind a rock where he has apparently been sitting in 
evening dress, and without a hat all in the cold, waiting 
for this opportunity of coming out strong at the last 
and presents his ivory-tipped; wand, whereat the crowd 
again quails, and Karl himself is so staggered, that 
losing his presence of mind, he runs up a platform at the 
back, jumps over, and finishes his part in the drama. 

Seeing this termination to the affaire, the Coroner 
makes the best of it by taking a humorous view of the 
situation, and indulging in a professional joke to the 
effect that " f instruction " need not proceed any fur- 
therfor much the same reason that Puff gives for the 
Beefeater's not going on with the speech commencing 
" FarewelL brave Spaniard," &o. because [the body has 
walked off. The audience took the idea, and in spite 
of all the spectacle and all the horrors, and all the in- 
terest, the triumph of the night was with the Coroner. 
After this, oysters of Marennes and other delights at the 
Cafe Riche.'and this is why I didn't go to the Con- 
ference but remain, 

Ever faithfully, 

A NEW READING, BT REED. Deus ex Machine The 
Naval Engineer. 
























FEBRUARY 3, 1877.1 




Swell (reproachfully). " HAW, I DON'T CALL THIS DWY SUEWWY!" 






A CERTAIN Irish Advocate of great learning and high repute having declined an 
appointment before it was offered .to him, the following refusals are hourly expected : 
Sin WILKRID LA u SON- to he President of the Licensed Victuallers' Association. 
KB. \\ IIALLEY to be Chairman of the Catholic Union of Great Britain. 
The RET. A. TOOTH to be Editor of the Rock and the Record. 
< URINAL MANNING to be President of the Church Union. 

MR. HOLMS, M.P., (Glasgow and Hackney) to be Inspector-General of the Militia. 
MAJOR GORMAN to be Patron of the Peace Society. 
Miss KUODA BROUGHTON to be Editress of the Sunday at Home. 
MR. FREEMAN to be Hon. Secretary to the Stafford House Fund. 
AIK. GLADSTONE to be Chairman of the Committee of the Carlton Club. 

5EACONSFIKLD to be a Member of the Parliamentary Committee of the Reform. 

MR. ROBERT LOWE (Statesman and Bicy 
clist), to be President of the Four-in-Ham 

MR. WILLIAM SIXES (Newgate and Dart- 
moor), to be Patron of the Society for the 
Protection of Women. 
" PRINCE VON BISMARCK to be Treasure: 
of the Peter's Pence Society. 

The KINO OF DAHOMEY to be a Cor 
responding Member of the " Aborigine 
Protection Society. 

MESSRS. MOSES AND SON to be the Pub 
lishers to the Poet I<aureat. 
TDs. KKNEALY to be Lord Chancellor. 

MR. BEADLAUOH to be 'Private Secretary 

DR. SLADE to be a Fellow of the Roya 

MR. ODOER to be Garter King-at-Arms. 

And last, but not least, MR. BUTT, Q.C. 
M.P., to be Lord Chief Justice of England 
Knight of the Garter, Lord Chamberlain 
Commander of the Channel Fleet, Super- 
intendent of the Zoological Gardens. Cap 
tain of the Cantalia, Earl Marshal, Here 
ditarv Grand Falconer, and Constable o 
the Tower. 

(A Snarl by a Sexagenarian Cynic.) 

SOMEBODY a Woman probably has, : 
am told, been writing a novel entitled, ^ 
Woman' Work in the World. I could sum 
it up in less than three volumes. As follows 

In Literature. At once to emasculate 
and to corrupt. To oscillate between gross- 
ness and gush. To dribble reams of feebly 
trickling verse and insipid or very full- 
flavoured fiction. To embody vice as a 
preposterous chimera, and virtue as i 
goody-goody bore ; passion as a scented 
swell, and principle as a plausible prig. 

In Art. To paint pretty-pretty, to com- 
pose namby-pamby, and perpetuate the 
modish and the monstrous. 

In Science. To dabble in the dirtiest 
waters, to push crude crotchets to absur- 
dity, to be amateurs in Atheism and smat- 
terers in statistical scepticism. 

In Politict. To discuss upon the house- 
ipps subjects which men shrink from hand- 
ing in private rooms. 

In Religion. To patronise the Gospel 
according to Le Folfet, and worship their 
pet fetish, La Mode, at a High Church 

In Society. To spend money and dis- 
figure their persons, patronising all that is 
absurd, unbecoming, unhealthy, and ex- 
pensive, especially if it involve incidental 

At Home. Women have now no work at 

tain is a compendious statement of 

Woman's Work in the World " now-a- 
lays. Those whose conduct chiefly justi- 
ies it, will be the first to dispute its 
ruth. At any rate, it would be true, to 
he letter, if they had their way. 


DR. KENEALY, in his address to his Con- 
tituents at Hanley, declares that the only 
frievance the Servians have to complain of 
s being robbed of their Bells. The Doctor 
ught not to talk lightly of the loss of these 
intinnabulary appendages. What, for in- 
tance, would his own cap be without them ? 

What next ? 



[FEBRUARY 3, 1877. 


N the Council 
of the Charity 
Organisation So- 
ciety a Special 
Committee was 
some time ago 
appointed to con- 
sider and report 
upon a parti- 
cular branch of 
social 'scientific 
which may be 
styled Colney- 
Hateh Reform. 
That Committee 
has, accordingly, 
issued a Report 
the "Education 
. Care of Idiots, 
Imbeciles, and Harm- 
less Lunatics." Doc- 
tors may doubt the 
existence of any luna- 
tics who are not dan- 
gerous ; but indeed 
t lie number of lunatics, 
harmless in so far as 
that the little harm 
they do affects only themselves, is very great. The population of 
Lunatic Asylums represents Ibut' comparatively few of these harm- 
less lunatics. The majority of them are at large, unlocked after, 
and they abound. They labour under a great variety of invincible 
delusions and fixed ideas. To specify some of the more pro- 
nounced types, for instance, the following may be enumerated 
amongst tolerably Harmless Lunatics : 

Lunatics who pass their time in trying to discover perpetual 
motion, and the quadrature of the circle. 

Lunatics continually publishing pamphlets to show that the earth 
is flat ; but only showing themselves to be so. 

Lunatics who devote themselves to tulip fancying, or any other 
fancy which occupies their whole minds, crockery fanciers, collectors 
of useless objects, worth no more than the effaced postage stamps 
collected by young Lunatics. 

Lunatics who believe in and practise Astrology and Spirit Rapping 
seriously, and not with an intelligent intent to defraud. 

Lunatics with a theological craze, who cannot see that their 
dogmas are matters of opinion. 

Lunatics who are in the habit of taking quack medicines of whose 
composition they are ignorant, and who do not know whether or no 
what they suppose to be is really the matter with them. 

Lunatics who, without the necessary knowledge of what they are 
about, gamble on the Stock Exchange and the Turf. 

Lunatics who invest their money in risky speculations ; who 
believe puffing prospectuses of Bubble Companies, and apply for 
shares to Directors, and remit cash to them, when they do not know 
them not to be rogues. 

Lunatics, of both sexes, who go to evening parties a little before 
midnight and dance in a vitiated atmosphere until sunrise. 

Lunatics who, in these times of high prices, expecting to live in 
comfort, and maintain appearances, marry upon less than the cer- 
tainty of a thousand a year, and the prospect of indefinitely more. 

Lunatics who, when anybody, whose name is unlucky enough to 
suggest a self-evident pun, happens to be going the round of the 
newspapers, write letters to Mr. Punch, each of them containing 
the same pun on the name of the same person. 

But besides these Lunatics, not contemplated in the Report of the 
Charity Organisation Society's Committee, there are others, Lunatics 
recognised as such, but 'perfectly harmless. They are computed to 
amount to only 35,963 in England and Wales. These unfortunates 
are capable of being improved in various degrees, and to some 
extent utilised. To these ends they require express treatment 
and training ; especially separation from poor creatures similarly 
afflicted, whose cases are hopeless. Hence, upon new buildings for 
their proper accommodation, a need of outlay. Such expenditure 
will ultimately prove economy. The Committee recommend that, 
the expense for the poorer class of Harmless Lunatics. " should 
be defrayed out of the rates, with assistance out of the public 
revenue," and that a voluntary system should be adopted for those 
of the Middle, and a semi- voluntary one for those of the lower 
Middle and upper Artisan Classes. 

The requisite provision for Harmless Lunatics will ask both 
legislation and personal bounty ; and those who have a voice in the 

former, and can afford the latter, if they wish to see what Organisa- 
tion is proposed for that purpose, should read the Society's Report, 
to be had at MESSRS. LONGMANS for the small sum of one shilling. 
The scheme therein particularised will not cost so very much to 
carry out. It is not as though it comprised the unrecognised Harm- 
less Lunatics going about in Society. _ How many and spacious 
Asylums would be necessary to contain these numerous, and, 
alas ! in most cases, hopeless, but happily, as a rule, unconscious 
sufferers ! 


is the Land of Eloquence, where the very " praties," as 
an advertisement in the Irish Times lately informed us, " speak for 
themselves." Hair-dressing has always been an eloquent profession, 
From the days of the Roman tonsor to those of Figaro. Perhaps 
it was in complimentary allusion to this in the Green Isle that the 
old Irish way of cutting a head of hair was called a "glib." Of all 
glib-tongued Irish tonsors, Punch does not know that he ever 
encountered a glibber specimen than the worthy who, in a handbill 
[ately sent to Punch by one of this gifted hair-cutter's garrison 
customers, describes himself as 

Market, Sheffield), Hair Dresser and Perfumer, Train-Atlantic and Cosmo- 
politan Clipper, Comber, Bruslier, and Dresser to all Fashions for Ladies and 

The Professor then goes on, enthusiastically if ungrammatically 

"Hair Dressing for its Beauty and Growth, the Professor wishes to see 
Horizontal Eyes and perpendicular work, and not to have Hair Cut like the 
Bashabazouks, or like as if the Gorilla was operating, but the Gorilla has not 
got the Hypoeompus Miner. Get Scientific Work that will Kefresh the Cer- 
rumbellutu of the Cranium, and promote its Growth." 

After which earnest exhortation, he signs himself 

"Yours, Gentlemen, PROFESSOR O'CONXELLY, Garrison Hair Dresser, 
Razors Set, Diamond Edge, ia Fine Order for use, at his .Residence, Queen 
Street, Athlone." 

But the Professor, once mounted on the diamond-edge pf his own 
razor-like wit, cannot sa easily get down again. He continues 

The Professor does not like to see Bulsheen Catting, or what MOLLY gave 
the Cabbage, a good Chopping." 

Then, rising to rhyme 

But if you wish to have a shave, 

I 'm sure to make your ctiin, 
As free from every rib of hair, 

As any brand new pin. 

" And if you want to have a dye, 
You won't have much delay, 
I'll make your head as handsome 
As the Turtlue Bird in May. 

" For I can curl hair so neat, 

And with such cunning h and 
You'd really think the head was one 
Quite fresh from fairy land . 

" And I can frizzle, shringle, prune, 

And do so with such art ; 
That but to gaze up an my work 
Would gladden auy heart." 

As it evidently does gladden his heart, who, for the third and las t 
time, signs himself 

'Yours, Gentlemen, PROFESSOR, O'CoNXELl.Y, Hair Dresser to the 
Students of the Queen's College." 

We thank PROFESSOR CONNELLY for his additions at once to the 
English Fauna and the technical vocabulary of Plococosmology. 
The Turtlue Bird is worthy to perch on the crest of the Jabber wock, 
and we chortle in our joy over the prospect of having our hair 

A Long Pull and a Strong Pull. 

OUB stout Archdeacon stood forth to declare, 
If TOOTH to gaol went, he 'd himself go there ; 
If that Archdeacon really speaks the truth, 
Issue the writ, and draw a double tooth ! 


(In the United States.) 

THAT question must be answered before March. It remains, as 
an intelligent Nigger, writing to us, remarks, " In a Haze till den." 


AN Anagram on "The REVEREND ARTHUR TOOTH," printed, in 
Punch for January 20, "Not the road to her Truth "should have 
run, " Never the road," &c. 

FEBRUARY 10, 1877.] 






(From an Alarmed t'ontercatire.) 

"It it unfortunate that a language with luch power and 
prospect! as the English should hare so disordered an Alphabet, 
which has bun tinuwn into utti-r confusion by the attempt tc 
keep up Kngli-h and French spelling ia it at once. At present 
two millions of English-speaking children come up for educa- 
tion annually, and waste from one to two years of their educa- 
tional life in mattering this abgurd puzzle, the cost of main- 
taining which on thus hardly be Ivas than ten to twenty million-. 
sterling a year, which would be saved by the use of a rational 
Alphabet." E. B. TVLOK, on the fhilotoph;, 

KM-UK.M our English Alphabet r 1 Good lack! 

What won't these revolutionists attack '' 

I fondly fancied that the A. U. C. 

Was the fixed symbol of simplicity. 

The one thing changeless, certain, strong, and stable, 

Midst Innovation's universal Dubel. 

Here TXLOB comes that A. B. C. to shake, 

And prove our spelling one immense mistake. 

What next may happen who '11 oblige by telling, 

When Mutability snakes MATCH'S spelling '( 

And who could slumber calmly in his bed, 

The alphabet upset from A. to Z. P 

" Ages of time and millions of money 

Wasted in learning A. B. C. ? " That 's funny. 

Can't say I quite accept the statement yet : 

And as regards a " rational alphabet," 

Something, no doubt, new-fangled and phonetic, 

My feelings I proclaim antipathetic. 

1 always do suspect that low word " rational ;." 

It smacks of BRADLAUOH and the International. 

This oomes of Spelling Bees, and PITMAN'S views, 

Cheap Dictionaries, and Fonetic Nuz. 

Our forefathers were less fastidious. Why, 

If MARLBOROUGII spelt wildly, may not I '( 

The Rads are all for liberty. Their fad, 

Applied to spelling, might not be so bad. 

But here thev 'd bind us down to strictest rule : 

Lawless in Church, they 're martinets at School. 

Against thisE. B. TYLOR'S sly attack 

Let all Conservatives stand back to hack, 

And fight for our time-honoured A. B. C. 

I 'm very sure it 's good enough for me. 



MR. PUNCH has to notify and very much applaud a proposal for 
practising a peculiar variety of that species of charity which consists 
in clothing the naked the naked in this ease being the walls of 
the London Hospital wards. By clothine them the sick and suffer- 
ing' would be solaced. The dreariness of bare walls aggravates the 
tediousnpss of long detention on a bed of pain. MR. J. LAW- 
RENCE HAMILTON,' of 4,' Gloucester Terrene, Hyde Park, suggests 
that thi might be'much mitigated by the introduction of .decorative 
Art in Hospitals. 

" I advocate (ho saysl the. brightening of the wards, and the cheering of 
their inmates, bv the addition of suitable pictures, plates, bronzes, carvinfrs, 
parquet floors, brir-a-hrtif, "Id armour, china, sculpture, ornamental clocks, 
fancy glass, tasteful glazed tiles, and other Art decorations of all sorts." 

Tt would bp t<v> much of a good thing to hang the walls of Hospi- 
tals with arms figured with 

" . . . . huntsmen, hawkes, and houndia, 
And hart deere al ful of woundis." 

Particularly as the tapestry would harbour the Norfolk Howards. 

MR. BUCKLANP fears that any projecting decorations on the walls 
of Hospitals would be objectionable, as likely to lodge dirt, or some 
of its even'more unpleasant living accompaniments. He proposes to 
substitute for them pictures painted upon or let into the walls 
frescoes, or tiles, adorned with'encau8tic"paintingB, which could be 
executed by Ladies. 

' To promote this object (says MR. HAMILTON), I will give one hundred 
juineas. provided that a thousand otlipr donors each subscribes an equal or 
larger sum before the 1st of May, 1877." 

MR. HAMILTON believes thnt, a responsible Committee being 
formed to carry out his iden. MESSRS. KOBABTS, LfBBOCK, & Co., 
will act as bankers to the fund. In the meanwhile, he invite* 
persons disposed to contribute thereunto by subscription or donation 
to communicate with himself at the address above noted. Finally, 

he expresses the hope that some public place will soon " be granted 
as a provisional storehouse and exhibition for Art contributions pre- 
vious to their distribution to the Hospitals of London." To that 
hope Mr. Punch gladly gives all the publicity he can. 

Why Some of TJa go Circuit. 
By Ont of the BrirJUtt. 

Member of the Utter Bar (perusing AsK'ze List}. Shall I go round 
this time? Hum. Let mo see. "Muddeford" can get a day's 
hunting there, I think. " Wandsbury " go over to the CHILSTONS 
for Sunday, and have a jolly afternoon with LILT. "Swanston" 
wouldn't do any harm to go and look up UNCLE GEOROE. " Lea- 
mouth " excellent quarters at hotel there ; fair dinner, too. 
"Deddingham" good murder case; shouldn't like to miss it. 
Yes, I think I '11 go round as far as that, and get back to Town in 
time for the Boat-race." 

Too Bad. 

Snt JOHN LUBBOCK makes some ants drunk, and then 
charges the ants of the same hill with stupidity, because they don't 
know their degraded comrades strain. How should they, when the 
poor creatures were disguised in liquor ? Snt JOHN LUBBOCK should 
be ashamed of himself, demoralising the till now respectable and 
respected family of Formicee. Yonrg, 



AN R.A., boasting to Mr. Punch of the ready recognition of 
rising merit by that body, quoted the case of OULESO, A.R.A. at 
twenty-seven, and asked triumphantly, with some slight habitual 
exasperation, " ' Ow could we have done more for him ? " 

" 'Ow-lest f " answered Mr. P. 




If you find yourselves hesi- 
;ating between your dinner 
and your country, give your 
country the benefit of the 

llein in your hobbies, forego 
?our crotchets, suppress your 
rievances, guard against 
jersonalities, do not invest 
,riftes with too much import- 
ance, and above all watch the 

Let us all hope that this 
' Conference " on the banks 
if the Thames will have a 
tiappier issue than the one so 
recently concluded on the 
shores of the Bosphorus. 


SATISFACTORY to be able to open Parliament in person. The cream-coloured horses, State-Coach (re-gilt 
and newly fitted up), Life-Guards, Beefeaters, and Cap of Maintenance, material supports to the stability 
of a Constitutional Monarchy. 

Observe that the time of meeting was appointed for a day in February as late as could with decency 
be chosen. Trust, therefore, particularly as Easter falls early, that time will not be wasted in unprofitable 
discussions and unproductive Motions. 

Parliament shall be informed as soon as possible when the Easter recess will commence, and what will 
be its duration a question of absorbing interest on which it is gratifying to know that perfect unanimity 
of feeling exists. 

Foreign affairs, and, towering above everything else, the giant Eastern Question, will occupy your 
attention. Treat it with as much patriotic and as little party spirit as possible openly and straight- 
forwardly, without bravado, mystery, or circumlocution, and with no reference to the retention or 
acquisition of place and power. 

The debut of the EARL OF BEACONSFIELD and the return of the MARQUIS OF SALISBURY will impart more 
interest to the proceedings of the House of Lords than they ordinarily command at the commencement of 
the Session. We shall all (including the Chinese Embassy and the Artists for the Illustrated Newspapers) 
await the first appearance of the noble Earl, in the robes of a Peer, with the liveliest curiosity. Mr. Punch 
has taken a hint from those rival conjurors, the GIRARDS, for a picture of LOUD B.'s first appearance on 
his new stage. 

The House of Commons will have a new Leader in SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE. It will be no surprise 
if he acquits himself in that onerous and responsible position with credit and renown. He will need 
encouragement and support; for as CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, his task is too likely to be difficult 
and disagreeable. It is unfortunate that a Conservative Government and a cheerful balance-sheet can 
hardly be looked upon as co-existent possibilities. 

With regard to Legislative Measures, if you cannot advance, do not retrograde ; if you cannot go on 
building, do not pull down. If it is the opinion of the majority that political and educational legislation 
has been carried to the limits of safety, turn your attention to Social and Sanitary Improvements, and 
thereby better the health and increase the comfort and happiness of millions. 

If it is possible, prove to the country that it possesses a satisfactory Naval and Military force. 

Reduce the risk of Hallway Accidents, and abate the disaster of destructive floods. 

Pass a Burials Bill. Make more stringent regulations as to Vaccination. 

Do not countenance jobs or favouritism. 

The EMPRESS OF INDIA invites you to consider questions affecting that empire with greater earnestness 
and larger attendances. 


WE clip the following from 
a well-known daily paper 

U LADIKS, and those requir- 
ing attention, are RECEIVED by 
a Lady of very great experience. 
No limit as to age. Very high 
references. Address, &c. 

and commend it to the 
guardians of the follow- 
ing Ladies, who, if not all 
"young," are at least "un- 

sixth daughter of SIR GRAY 
MAULEVERER, decayed baro- 
net, who will not listen to the 
suit of LORD TRENOODLE, but 

E refers the hand of her cousin, 

Juards, who has nothing but 
lis pay and his debts, his love 
'or unlimited loo and the turf, 
and his taste for good wine, 
food dinners, and good weeds. 

JEORGE, who has a good 
igure, no voice, and no brains, 
and who on the strength of 
;hese qualifications undertakes 
;he management of the De- 
collete Theatre, under the 
xitronage of the HON. LAUN- 

who, on the strength of pos- 
sessing a largo inkstand , plenty 
of " outsides," a faculty for 
stringing together idiotic 
rhapsodies, and a melancholic 
;emperament, insists on 
writing three-volume novels. 

Miss Gussr GABY, who 
persists in sending to "her 
dear old Punch " that " quite 
too awfully funny thing" 
which her darling HUGH said 
the other evening, the said 
" funny thing " being about 
as humorous as the whistle 
of a railway - engine, re- 
questing its return if not 
accepted, but invariably for- 
getting to enclose a stamped 
and directed envelope. 


WHEN you 're tipping an 
Eton Boy, or the Head Keeper 
at a Great Battue House. 

FEBRUARY 10, 1877.J 




(Ineffable Youth goes into cestacies over an crirernely Old Master say, FRA POBCINELLO BABAKAOIANNO, A.D. 12661281 ?) 

Matter-of- Fact Parly. " BUT IT'S SUCH A REPULSIVE SVBJZCT!" 




Mutt, r-of-Pact Party (getting warm). " BUT IT'S ALL ODT OF PSRSPSCTIVS, HANO IT! AND so ABOMINABLY UHTRUS TO 


Jfatter-of-Pttft Party (losing all self-control). " BUT, DA.HH IT ALL, HAN! WIIEKE TBE DICKIKS is THE BSAurr, THEN?" 

Ineffable Youth (quietly). " IN THE PIOKTCHAH I " [Total defeat of Matter-of-Fact Party. 


PHIL FIELDEB he farmed his own freehold estate, 
And he 'd long thought o" lookun' about for a mate ; 
But PHIL, though well-off enough zingle to bide, 
"Wus afear'd 'toodn't run to the keep of a bride. 

So high now the prizes of all things be rose, 
And Ladies consooms sitch a kit & fine clo'es, 
"Mongst e'en the small gentlefoks where you looks round, 
There 'a few gals a standun' 'mid less nor twelve pound. 

And zum can't do nothun' beyond zing and plaai, 
And lollup and laze on a sofer all daai. 
PHIL wanted a gal as could work nndergoo, 
And demane herself greaseful and elegant too. 

He went to the Hall on a Michaelmas Day, 
Some rent for a bit of a holdun' to pay ; 
When the Squire he axed PHILLTTP to stop there and dine- 
In a plain way the famully party to jine. 

There sat a gal next to 'n, drest nate but not gay, 
As purty in pursun, as plain in array ; 
Thinks Pirn,, " That ther maaiden 'a above my degree, 
Or else she 'd be 'zackly the Missus for me." 

When dinner was wauver, PHIL larn't from the 'Squire 
Who was that swrate young gal in sitch quiut attire ; 

" A poor Doctor's daater that sarvus ha' took, 

'Twar she dressed the dinner ; that thare 'a our Head Cook. 

" She 've got too much pride fur to marry fur bread ; 
But she hain't above labour'n to earn it instead. 
That thare 's our Lady-Help ; so now drink up thy wine." 
Thinks PHIL to his self, " 1 shuld like her fur mine." 

He wrote her a billy, gentale and purlite, 
Whereunto she consented 'twur love at fust sight. 
And so they got married without moor delay ; 
And the 'Squire he wus willun' to gie her away. 

Sarch the conn tree around, and you won't find a pair 
As lades a moor happier life than them there. 
She keeps his whoam tidy, and 'tends to his boord, 
And his manes makes goo furdest good things to aifoord. 

No doubt bnt she '11 bring up her daaters likewise, 
To roast and to bile, and mcak' pudduns and pies ; 
To rub, scrub, and polish, and wash, bake, and broow, 
As every chap's wife should be yeable to do. 

The lass for me 's her that can sweep out a room, 
Not by wearun' a train, but by usun' a broom. 
Lady- Helps and Fine Ladies comparun', I says, 
Dirty work done wi' clane hands afoor dirty ways I 

Now every young feller to wedlock inclined, 

Thee look out a nawtable huzziv to find, 

Fine Ladies, fandangoes, and tilligrees nee. 

Thee 'st a Lady- Help find the best Helpmate for thee. 



(Scene from a Drama of the Future.) 

un stage represents 
an elegantly-fur- 
nished drairimj- 
room, suggesting 
the influence of a 
Woman of taste. 
The pictures on 
the walls alone 
reveal that the 
owner is a self- 
made man. MARIA 
cm-ercd pensively 
regarding an ail 
tut expiring fire. 

Maria. Yes, yea 
I can deceive my- 
self no longer it 
does need coal. And 
yet how to ask him 
I dare not, and 
Oh ! I must see him 

once again. (Jiings.) iiown, down paipiutuug ucai-iii Would' st betray thy 
mistress ? 

Enter FITZ-JEAITES, in a gorgeous livery, carrying a coal-scuttle. 
Jeames (aside). She is alone. I must dissemhle. (Aloud.) Did yer please 
to ring, Miss P 

Maria (trembling). Yes no yes. The fire 
Jeames. I see. It is going Aout. I 've brought the coals. 
Maria (aside). How he seems to divine my every wish ! 
Jeames (putting down the scuttle clumsily ; with marked e a Deration}. Did 
yer please to want anything Aelse, Miss ? 

Maria (aside). I can restrain myself no longer. (Aloud.) \es, 1 want to 
know why you are so unlike other Serving-men ; why it seems to you an effort 
to misapply your aspirates and to throw grammar to the winds ; why your every 
act anal word reveals the heart of a noble under the tawdry, livery of man- 

Jeames (struggling icith his emotion). Do not ^ask me. Perhaps I came 'ere 
as a Gentleman 'elp. Mind, I don't say I did. But if I did, why, then, I did. 
Maria. Oh I do not trifle with me. For the last week I have marked you 

through a flaw in the agreement for the lease you are 
houseless penniless. And now, good Sir, my fee six 
shillinrs and eightpence for my opinion. 

Mudgold. Ruined and undone ! 

Jeames. Proceed! (Giving money to MB. SMITH.) 
Here is your fee twice told. 

Mr. Smith. These documents further prove that the 
tenant in fee of this mansion, with the appurtenances, 
is JAMES PLANTAGENET HENBT, sixteenth Earl of 
Brompton and Islington. 

Jeames. Behold him here ! 

Mr. Smith. My Lord ! [Kneels. 

Mudgold. I will put everything into Chancery! 
( Wildly.) You shall never have my daughter ! 

Jeames (sweetly). And why not ? Hove her she loves 
me. Do you not, darling P (He takes the blushing ^MAHIA 
to his arms.) We will T)e as happy as the day is long. 
Your father, because he is your father, shall have untold 
gold to play with on the Stock Exchange. As for us, 
we will have a town-house, an opera-box, a'four-in-hand, 
a moor, and a yacht. We will be waited upon by trained 
servants. Ha ! ha ! No Gentlemen-Helps for me ! Your 
every wish shall be anticipated. Do you like the picture ? 

Mudgold (who has been consulting with the family 
Solicitor, spreading out his arms). Bless you, my children ! 

(Rings.) Down, down palpitating heart ! 


Jeames (aside). A murrain on my thoughtlessness 1 Shall I never forget that 
I once held a commission in the Militia ! 

Maria. And then, when my Father the Self-made Man, the Merchant Prince 
Royal complained of your laziness in answering the dining-room bell, of your 
awkwardness in opening the carriage-door in short, of your general inefficiency, 
I saw the eloquent blood rush to your cheek, and your eyes flashed fire. 
Surely surely you are not what you seem ? 

Jeames. I am not. Away with disguise! I will no longer brook the mask ! 

You ask me why I enforce my tongue to play strange tricks with the Queen's 
English, why I submit to insult when suddenly my unaccustomed fingers relax 
their hold of red-hot plates, and angry guests turn scornful and angry eyes 
upon me ; why I allow your father to tell me to my face that I am lazy and 
awkward, and not worth my salt. You ask me, MAHIA, why I submit to all 
this, and more ? Because 1 love you ! (MABIA stores.) Nay, hear me to the 
end ! It is for thee I wear this o'er-laced coat, these humiliating plushes, the 
powdered hair of servitude. It is for thee I stoop e'en to the carrying of coals, 
with bent back and o'er-tasked lungs. It is for thee I bear ignominy and 
insult, the jeers of the rough, the banter of the street-boy, contemptuous of my 
calves. My secret is out. I love thee I [Falls at her feet, and seizes her hand. 

Maria, Oh, what would Papa say ? 

Mudgold (suddenly entering). Let him answer that question. 

Maria. Father! 

Jeames. The Master ! 

Mudgold. He would say " ungrateful girl low-born designing minion! " 

Jeames (springing to his feet). I hurl the word back in thy teeth! Know, 
ME. MTTBOOLD, that I am no longer your servant. 

Mudgold. Then be off before I kick you out. 

Maria. Oh, Father, unsay those cruel words! 

Jeames. I will not go. I have a better right to stay here than you. If you 
doubt my word ask ME. SMITH, the family Solicitor. See, he comes this way. 

Enter ME. SMITH. 

Mr. Smith. I have just dropped in to see if I can do anything for you to-day. 
Jeames. You can; read this! (Gives him a large packet of law papers.) 
Mudgold. What is your opinion ? 

Mr. Smith (hastily glancing at the papers). These documents conclusively 
prove that you, MB. MTTDOOLD, have no sort of right to this property. That 


Editorial Preface addressed to the Public, which has at 
all times shown itself ready and willing to encourage 
rising talent in every department of Literature and 

WE believe in the existence of mute, inglorious 
Miltons. They are as difficult to be picked out of their 
shells as periwinkles. A private Publishing Company, 
Limited, has lately been started for the laudable object 
of placing before an appreciative Public Works of 
Fiction, which, but for this machinery, would never have 
seen the light of day. 

Without binding ourselves by the strict obligations ol 
this enterprising Company, which deserves every pos- 
sible encouragement the shares are quoted at three 
premium, at least we hear of one share quoted at this 
and it is yet to be had at the price, and perhaps more 
where that comes from without we say, in any way 
binding ourselves (an operation we leave to professiona 
hands when the yearly volume is put together and 
then the binding is de luxe) by unnecessary obligations, 
we have liberally and heartily entered into the spirit ot 
the thing, and, on certain equitable and just terms, have 
consented to place at the Company's disposal one page 
per week as a shop-front for the display of their wares, 
reserving, however, to ourselves, the indisputable right 
of using our pruning-knife and scissors when and where 
we please, even to clipping the shoot in its first sprout, 
cutting the thread of the heroine's fate with the scissors 
of The Three Sisters, or breaking, as with the force ot 
steam and iron, some monstrous Atlantic cable ot notion 

, !___ i J ,*,', i' W. n f^/\wii-\onTr'ei V^rt/tlroi'.! flt. HO 

as it is being paid out (of the Company's pocket) at so 
much a week. 

Such it our contract. We praise the obj ect of the Com- 
pany, but we stand as Middleman, between the Company 
and the Public ; we advise on the one hand, we protect on 
the other. 

We are glad, therefore, to be able to state, that, 
yielding to our solicitations, and recognising the value ot 
our experience (experience is to be bought and we sell 
it) the Company has not commenced operations by placing 
befor* the public the works of the r< Mute Inglorious, 
but of the Outspoken and Glorious that is, such works 
of notion as some of our eminent men, whether engaged 
in the arena of politics, or in the fields of science, or in 
the Marble Halls of our Law Courts, have, from ,time to 
time, written at their leisure, in the privacy ot their 
cabinet, in the snuggery of their couch, not originally 
intended for publication, but perhaps meant, at some 
time or other (posthumously, perhaps) to startle the world 
into the exclamation," What a man he was ! ' 

The only condition on which we receive works trom 
eminent public men, and publish them in these columns, 
must here, once and for all, be distinctly understood, 
and it is this : 

The writer of such work of fiction as is here contem- 


FEBRUARY 10, 1877.] 



plated, murt have attained celebrity in tome totally different line no 
matter what or where and mutt nerer have publiiheda novel before 
thin, nor bj in any way known or recognised at a Novelitt. 

Such is the condition. Such is the attraction. Eminentittimi, we 
arc informed by the Secretary of the Company, have most readily 
and eagerly sent in their MSS. : but, to prevent all jealousies, our 
motto must lie, " First come, first served out." 

We beg, therefore (on behalf of the Secretary aforesaid and the 
Company) to acknowledge the receipt of MSS. from several well- 
known Members of our Legislative Assembly. We do not intend 
giving any name until the public shall unanimously and imperiously 
demand who the new candidate for honours in Fictional Literature 
may be, when we shall give him up for vox populi vox Dei; and 
if the vox populi has only asked for the same reason that the Roman 
people shouted for CINNA the poet, we shall use our own discretion 
in considering our windows and the state of the pavement. We 
shall withhold neither praise when due, nor censure when justice 
demands it. 

We, the Editor, are inspecting at the roll-call. The first roll is a 
big one, postage pre-paid (if not it is at once returned by us to the 
Secretary of the Company, who is responsible another clause in our 
contract) the postmark is " Peterborough ; " and, as requested, we beg 
to acknowledge the receipt of the first MS. from some eminent M.P., 
signing himself "Gso. H. WH'LL'T." At present, of course, we 
haven't a ghost of an idea who it can be t We are in the dark, like 
an owl, as wise and as impartial. 

Next parcel datesTfrom " Carlisle." Signature," WILFRID." Who 
on earth can this_ be P On the seal is a crest, apparently representing 
a Pump, in a field argent (we do not .profess heraldry), with the 
legend subscribed, " Water, water everywhere, and not a drop of 
anything else to drink." 

The third on the muster includes a letter to the Company stating 
how the writer wishes the novel to be published. A second letter 
to the Secretary, stating why he didn't write it before ; and a third 
to the Editor explaining, that instead of three volumes he (the 
writer) wished to divide it into " Three Courses." The suggestion is 
under consideration. The postmark is " Hawarden." We are 
languishing with curiosity to know from whom on earth it can 

The fourth is, the writer states at some length, on a purely nauti- 
cal subject. The postmark is " Derby," and the signature is " SAM 

The fifth But no. Boy, take down those others : let them lie 

on the table. At present at least next week we shall have the 
pleasure of placing before the public (on behalf of the Company 
Limited as aforesaid) the first instalments of 





GEO. H. WH-LL-Y, M.P. 

We do hope the public will like it when they get it. and will testify 
their appreciation of the undoubted but hitherto undiscovered genius 
of its Author, whoever he may eventually turn out to be. 

^P.S. Prizes (at the discretion of the Editor and Company) will be 
given to anyone guessing the name of each Author as it appears 
before the public. 


(Before he mounts the Chariot of the Sun.) 

Freely adapted from OVID, " Metamorp/ioea" Hook II. vv. 122 15C. 
" Turn pater ora sui nacro medicamine nati," et seq. 

THEN with a film of the brass from his own invincible forehead 

Phoebus Phaeton's face made proof for the fiery trial, 

Placed his own crown on his head, and, not without sighs of fore- 

Out of the depths of his wisdom in counsel sagacious addressed him. 
' If, ere the trial begin, thon 'dst profit by. warning parental, 

Ever be chary of whip-cord : in reins are a team's education : 

Horses will go fast enough ; to keep them in hand is the business. 

Never let short cuts seduce thee, nor think the best road is the 
straightest : 

Look for the line I have followed the tracks of my wheels will 
direct thee 

'Twixt Tory flats on the/right, and Radical slopes to the leftward ; 

Too high a course will but end in a flare of the uppermost circles, 

Too low in kindling the lowest. The mid-way still is the safest. 

Bear too much to the Left, and the Red Dragon's coils you impinge on ; 

Bear too much to the Right, and you jostle the Throne and the Altar. 

Keep to the middle of these; for the rest, I commit thee to 

Fortune : 

E'en as I speak 'tis the hour for kindling the light of St. Stephen's ; 
Fled the recess with its darkness, the blaze of the Session awaits 

Take, then, the reins in thy hand, or as still there is room for 

Give up a task that o'erweights thee, and go back again to thy 


Then to car Phaeton sprang, with a lightness that scarce had been 

looked for, 

Settled himself in his place, and rejoicing to handle the ribbons 
Flung his adieux from the car to Phoebus, adviser paternal ; 
While the swift steeds that had wont to be workeof by that cunning 

old driver, 

lianter and liankum, the leaders, and Mystery, Asian descended, 
Coupled with Management (dark horses both), best-bitted of 

Filled the wide air with their neighings, and pawed with their hoofs 

at the draw-bar. 



SHIVER my timbers, and 
brace up my old main yards to 
the wind, if I can hold my tongue a 
day longer. We have had too much of 
your land-lubberly yarns about Dock- 
yards. What do yon mean 
by it, Sir ? Knock me 
down with a marling-spike 
if I put up with it. "En- 
gineers and Superinten- 
dents of our Dockyards at 
loggerheads." And what 
if they are, Sir ? What if 
they are ? The Service 
must be going to the deuce 
with a vengeance if a 
Naval Officer isn't to be 
trusted to keep a pack of 
civilians in their places ! 
Bombshells and hand- 
grenades ! I never heard 
the like of it since I was a 
Middy in 1825 ! Never, 
Sir, never ! 

Have you read the letter 
of my friend VICE- ADMIRAL 

HALL in the Times of the 1st? If you have not, Sir, read it, and 
you '11 learn that the holes cut in the water-tight bulkheads of the 
Vanguard were only very little ones ! There, Sir, is an answer to 
your nonsense about Naval Maladministration. Pooh, Sir, nonsense! 
The Vanguard was lost. Sir, (as my friend the VlCE-ADJCERfL 
says), because it was an old tea-kettle. That was the reason, Sir. 
To say that a few holes of six inches width cut in the bulk -heads of a 
ship of 6,000 tons could sink her, is, on the face of it, sheer nonsense ! 
Rubbish, Sir t rubbish ! My friend, VICE-ADMIRAL HALL, has proved 
that an Admiral must know about everything from end to end of a 
ship, engines and all, far better than any one else. Of course he 
must. You are evidently no more able to appreciate the real 
capabilities of a naval officer than the rest of your lubberly, shore- 
going, quill-driving sons of purser's clerks, who reel off their 
slack-jaw in the newspapers. 

LORD PALKEKSTON said that " when he wanted a thing done he 
always sent for a sailor." As my friend VICE-ADMIRAL HALL says, 
" in the face of this recorded opinion of a great Statesman, we can 
afford to bear the comments of our detractors." So heave a-head, 
Mr. Punch, pipe all hands for grog, and let us hear no more about 
Dockyard Maladministration if you please. 

The Binnaclt, Portsmouth. Vice-Admiral. 

An Obvious Site. 

PROFESSOR ERASMTS WILSON has gallantly undertaken to bear the 
cost of transporting: Cleopatra's Needle from Alexandria to London. 
They talk of setting it up on the Thames Embankment. Nonsense ! 
Threadneedle Street is the place. 

" FREE TO CONFESS." A pronounced Ritualist. 



[FEBRUARY 10, 1877. 


Am " A Highland Lad my Love v;as lorn." 

" We have to Announce the landing at Southampton, (Saturday, January 27), of QuoH-ScNG-TAO, the first Chinese Envoy ever accredited to this country, 
and suite." Shipping Intelligence. 



. - - 


A CnnfAMAif QUOH-STJNG was born, 
The " Foreign Devils " he held in scorn ; 
But some time ago those " Devils " began 
To tread on the toes of John Chinaman. 
So like it or no, John Chinaman, 
You have got to go, John Chinaman, 
To the land of the " Outer-barba-ri-an," 
An Ambassador, though, John Chinaman ! 

With his eyes aslant, and his pigtail's braid 
Coiled neatly round his close-shaved head, 
And his button a-top, Southampton ran 
To behold this great Panjanderan ! 

And if Q,T/OH-StTN& is scarce so fine a man 
As we hoped for the sample Chinaman, 
How many big things from as little began 
As this Embassy from John Chinaman ! 

As stubborn as pigs, and as hard to steer, 
With a taste for cheap buying and selling'dear ; 

A decidedly difficult sort of man 

To deal with, we 've found John Chinaman. 

His own way he '11 go, will John Chinaman ; 

At no lie he '11 shy, will John Chinaman ; 

And he '11 sell you a bargain whenever he can, 

In treaties or teas, will John Chinaman ! 

You may talk of your Yankee and Hebrew Jew, 
But I guess they re small potatoes, and few 
In a hill, compared with that yellow man, 
After yellow boys keen, John Chinaman. 

He '11 outdo pur doos will John Chinaman ; 

And he '11 win where we lose, will John Chinaman ; 

The dirt our miners have left he '11 " pan," 

And make it pay, will John Chinaman ! 

If all this he has learnt without leaving home, 
What will it be now that he deigns to roam, 
And from civilised Christians learns to plan 
New dodges undreamed by John Chinaman ? 

FKBRUAMY 10, 1877.] 









If in fits wo would throw John Chinaman, 
Stock Exchange-wards show John Chinaman, 
Where promoters he '11 study, financers scan, 
And go nome an improved John Chinaman. 

We '11 invite him to dinner, and serve him in state, 
( >n more costly than willow-pattern plate, 
Set small-waisted ladies his heart to trepan, 
Failing small-footed belles d la Chinaman. 
You shall go to crushes, John Chinaman, 
See Drawing-room rushes, John Chinaman ; 
In West-End soirees be glad of your fan, 
And think of. home-odours, John Chinaman. 

Our ships, guns, rails, mills, shops, and towns, 
From John o' Groat's House to the Sussex Downs, 
Let UuoH-SuNG survey, study, plot, and plan, 
As an extra-observant Chinaman. 

He may go back a gladder John Chinaman, 
Or, it may be, a sadder John Chinaman ; 
But one riddle he '11 scarce have read as he ran 
Why JOHN BULL should despise John Chinaman. 


IT may seem announcing a truism to say that there is nothing like 
going for lymph to the fountain-head. But the lymph being under- 
stood to be vaccine, and the source of it the calf, and the fact being that 
lymph obtained from unhealthy human beings may possibly infect 
those vaccinated with something worse than cow-pox, the point of 
procuring vaccine lymph from the fountain is perceived to be one of 
which the importance requires it to be urged, so long as it remains 
neglected. Thanks are due to DB. GEORGE WILD, M.D., for point- 
ing out that in Belgium the Government, which makes Vaccination 
compulsory, also provides for lymph supply direct from the calf, 

and suggesting that the British Public should call upon our Legis- 
lature to dp likewise. In the meanwhile, DR. WYLD mentions that 
some medical men, backed by one of the City vestries, are making 
arrangements to provide a supply of lymph immediately from calves, 
and that "ME. ALLSHOBNE. 51, Edgware Road, will endeavour to 
keep a limited supply of Belgian calf lymph for the use of the 
Medical Profession. 

Of course the Anti-Vaccinationists will object to Vaccination even 
if performed with lymph extracted from calves. That the calves 
may yield the lymph they have to be kept in a state of disorder, to 
which their fellow-creatures of Keighley, for instance, might have a 
sympathetic objection. No Anti-Vaccinationist, however, could 
possibly ever find himself vaccinated except by stratagem. Neither 
could recourse be had to Ritualists, or any other of the numerous 
biped calves that now abound, for original vaccine matter. But 
perhaps were any one vaccinated with lymph derived from suchlike 
calves, the possibility that some vituline taint might be imparted by 
it to that person's blood might become a question for the 1 acuity. 

An Opening for an Airy Belle. 

WONDERS will never cease. "Coals to Newcastle" is an old 
saying, but " wings to Newcastle " is a new one. Yet in the New- 
castle Daily Chronicle of Jan. 30, we read : 

WANTED, by S. A. CAIL, Printer, Quayside, Newcastle, a GIRL 
who has been accustomed to Fly. 


IN responding to the toast of " The Army " the other day, the 
HON. P. STANLEY, M.P., said that the Army, in spite of all the drains 
upon it, stood at a higher figure than it did last year. 

But how about the drains, not upon, but tinder the Army the 
drains at the War Office ? 



[FEBRUARY 10, 1877. 





Against ME. HENDERSON, for declaring that what- 
ever Miss POPPY LOLLY might know about break-downs, 
she couldn't dance one. 

Against MKS. BANCROFT, for objecting to GREKST, the 
Gasman, that he never lit the float without breaking one 
shade at least. 

Against MR. HARE, for refusing to accept Miss 
SEMOLINA SIDJIONSOX as a substitute for Miss TEIIKY, 
and remarking that "she" (Miss S. S.) "wasn't up tu 
the mark." 

Against MRS. Jons WOOD, for suggesting that Miss 
MONTORGEUIL was too stiff for the part of First G uost in 
the Danischi'ffs. 

Against Mits. SwANiiOKOUfai, for implying that 
ME. WALPOLE BELMONT was a Pignorainus for dropping 
his A's into the orchestra. 

Against Mu. BUCKSTONE, for turning away aProperty- 
Master who looked on the Manager's spoons as his own 

Against MRS. BATEMAN, for informing a friend that 
Mit. PEECY BATTKNS, the low comedian from the Elephant 
and Castle, would not be able to double MR. IKVISH in 
Richard the. Third. 

Against Mu. JAMES, for hinting to the family grocer 
that thfi butter supplied to his own table was " inferior 

Against Mr, Punch for publishing the aboTC. 


AT four o'clock this Wednesday, February 7th, after 
the performance of The Critic, which commences at 215, 
our dear old friend, JOHN PARRY, the most entertaining 
of all entertainers, comes forward on the stage of the 
Gaiety Theatre to " recall reminiscences of bygone days 
under the title of Echoes of the Past." One of his 
reminiscences is to be The Tenor and the Tin Tack. Let 
those who see this notice, and who have left their 
chance of getting a seat for the Farewell Performance to 
the last moment, rush down, or telegraph at once, to 
the Box-office of the theatre, for The Tenor and the Tin 
Tack may not be given again, and those who lose this 
great opportunity will never cease to reproach themselves 
for their neglect. But whether it be JOHN PARRY in The 
Tenor and the fin Tack, or in La Lezione di Canto, or 
an Operatic Rehearsal, we, in our time, shall, in all pro- 
bability, never hear or look upon his like again that is, 
in his peculiar line, a la mode de PABRY. 



iN.spite of the dictum of ROUSSEAU, the fable or apologue, 
based upon the characteristics of the animal kingdom, has been 
generally considered one of the most valuable aids in the instruction 
of youth. But really, Sir, the animal kingdom I use the term 
comprehensively has of late been so turned topsy-turvy by scientific 
explorers and theorists that there would seem to be urgent need 
for a revised JEsop, and a remodelled DR. WATTS. I really think 
that writers and lecturers ought to be more careful in their revela- 
tions, and count the cost of introducing complete chaos into the 
ancient and honourable realm of Fable. Conceive the condition 
of a parent, guardian, or instructor, emphasising moral counsel of the 
most irreproachable sort by time-honoured references to the ant and 
the bee, and being pulled up short by some sharp child well-posted 
in the latest investigations of LUBBOCK. It would be disconcerting, 
not to say demoralising. SIR JOHN has already done his best to 
demolish the reputation of the bee as the moral exemplar to man- 
kind, lie is now as laboriously undermining the ethical character 
of the ant. I want to know what is to become of our Fables if this 
sort of thing is to go on ? With what shall we point our copybook 
morals, and how shall we adorn our nursery tales ? The fresh facts 
if facts they be furnished by LUBBOCK, scarcely lend themselves 
to the old treatment. How doth the little busy bee ? Well, not 
entirely in such sort that one could say to a child, without careful 
qualification, " Go thou and do likewise ! " DICKENS was dreadfully 
severe upon the bee. But then he was only a wild and ribald 
humorist. The cold and deliberate attacks of LUBBOCK are far more 
dangerous to the exemplary insect's moral prestige. Shall we continue 

to bid the sluggard consider formic practice and polity with a view 
to imitation? SIR JOHN declares that some ants are industrious, but 
others exceedingly idle, too lazy, indeed, to feed or clean themselves, 
and entirely dependent on slaves. Lazy ! uncleanly ! and tyrannical ! 
Are these the qualities and practices as a bright example of which 
we are to set the ant before our erring youth ? 

I would earnestly ask SIR JOHN whether _ any problematical 
benefit to be derived from his patient, and, as it seems to me, un- 
pleasant prying into the penetralia of hives and ant-hills can 
compensate for the shock which will be sustained by our whole 
system of moral teaching by apologue, if his unwelcome revelations 
become widely credited. 

" The Lion is the King of Beasts ; 
lie noble is, and strong !" 

How often' have I thrilled over that couplet in the days of my 
childhood. I can hardly realise to myself the shock it would have 
caused my youthful enthusiasm if any one had assured me as 
they tell us now that the Lion, the Lion of ANDROCLES, of the 
British Standard, of a thousand moving tales and awe-inspiring 
figures, is but a cat-like creature, and, in fact, very much of a 
coward ! Well, the herald has his conventional menagerie of 
abnormal birds, amazing beasts, and apocryphal fishes can they 
not leave us, for the invaluable purposes of the moral apologue, the 
Conventional Lion, the Conventional Bee, and the Conventional Ant? 
Your Obedient Servant, 


THE NEW FORM OF CATTLE-PLAGUE (from a Butcher's point of 
view). American Beef. 

FKHKUABY 17, 1877.] 




ALF-LovE ia the love 
of youth, but golden 
calf-love is the love of 
riper reason and ma- 
turer years. The world 
is no longer young, 
though in the golden 
age the age when the 
golden calf is worship- 
ped among the British 
as it once was among 
the Israelites. If our 
motto is still " Hearts 
and Hearts," it means 
that hearts must now 
be laid hold of by hands 
with something in them. So no wonder 
the fashion for subbtituting gifts for 
verses on Valentine's Day should be 
spreading more and more. Punch, ever 
in the fashion, and 'ever ready to oblige 
a grateful public, begs to suggest a few 
appropriate presents for certain eminent 
personages : 

Mr. Gladstone. A packet of stamped 
envelopes, with the legend, " To be used 
instead of post- cards. ' 

Lord Beaconifleld. A model of the 
Sphinx, in black marble, with the fable 
of the Frog who tried to be bigger than 
the Bull. 

Lord Salisbury. A COOK'S Excursion 
ticket, with the inscription, " Great Re- 
duction in Railway Travelling." 
ffc&V Stafford Northcote.A. set of 
DiSBAELi'sNoyels, " from the Author," 
with the inscription, " Imitation is the 
sincerest flattery. BKACONsrrKLD." 

Lord Hartington. An amusing puzzle game, called " Liberal Policy," with a card " With 
MR. GLADSTONE'S kindest regards. 

Mr. Oathorne Hardy. A Treatise on Sewage ; with a return of the number of cases of 
typhoid fever in the War-Office. 

Mr. Jf'nnl Hunt. An Essay on " The Tea-Kettle in general, and the Vanguard in 
particular," by ADMIRAL SIR KINO HALL. 

Midhat Pasha. A Sack, inscribed " The Turkish Constitution Article 113." 
The Emperor of Russia. A Reversible Coat, with the motto, " Can be turned back again." 
The Emperor of Austria. A Lion's Skin, with an inscription, " The same old game." 
SHAKSPKARE (King John). 

Prince Von liismarcfc.A box of drastic Pills, with the motto, " JVbn bis dot gut citii dot." 
The Sultan of Turkey. A copy of The Road in Ruin, and the song, " Softly tread, 'fix 
hollow ground." 

The Xing of Italy. A Fra Diarolo suit, with the motto, " Honour before Honesty." 
Marshal McMahon. A Franco-German Dictionary, inscribed, " For a good boy, to be 
thoroughly mastered." 

facie Sam. A moral Tale, altered from The Looking- Glass, and entitled One Head is 
better than Two. 

And, lastly, Mr. Punch. A steara- 
yacht.Va grand-tier box for Covent Garden 
lor life, a coach-and-four, a casket of the 
most costly jewtllery, a blank cheque signed 
"ROTHSCHILD," and a family mansion in 
South Kensington, with furniture complete ; 
all marked with the Punch monogram, and 
ia-< ribed with the Punch motto, Modi 
is the best policy." 


(A Jteminifcence of an Installation.) 

LOOKING back at my own career, wonder 
if wonders will ever cease Y 

Wonder whether a better style of drapery 
might not be devised for Peers ? 

Wonder how SALISBURY likes having me 
at his elbow ? 

\V under whether a man is liable to be 
tried by his Peers in the House of Lords, 
as well as a Court of Justice P 

Wonder whether they will miss me in 
the Commons '{ 

Wonder how NOHTIICOTE will work as a 
Leader !' 

-Wonder who will answer GLADSTONE ? 
^/Wonder who will walk a-toj> of LOWE ? 

Wonder what the Goloi will say on the 
subject ? 

Wonder whether BISMAHCK will think 
anything about it, and what !* 

Wonder whether I shall be moved to 
write a sequel to Ixiim in Heaven f 

Wonder what I really looked forward 
to when I wrote Vivian Grey. 

Wonder if I could remember half a 
dozen lines of The Revolutionary Epic f 

Wonder how the Great Commoner felt 
aft< r his rise from PITT to CHATHAM '? 

Wonder if a Coronet is, after all, a more 
dignilied head-gear than a wide-awake ? 

Wonder what the Comic scribblers will 
do without "Dizzy"? 

Wonder if I shall be a hit in my new 

Wonder if there's still such a thing as 
being " kicked up-stairs " as there cer- 
tainly was in PULTENEY'S time 'f 


A BIPED ass, called DONOVAS rough, as 
asses are in winter lately received from 
MH. KNOX the well-deserved sentence of 
two months' imprisonment for striking one 
of the servants of the Chinese Ambassador, 
whose lives, it seems, are made a burden 
to them by the coarse curiosity, rising some- 
times to horse-, or rather ass-, play, of the 
London street-roughs, cads, and snobs, who 
gather for the purpose about the Embassy 
in Portland Place. May all asses who pass 
the line that separates Graying from luck- 
ing, like this DONOVAN, meet with as hard 
knocks in the police-court ! Do we want 
to justify the Chinese in the title they have 
given us of "outer" or "utter barbarians?" 
If not, we are bound to receive our Celestial 
visitors'with the courtesies due to " angels' 
visits, few and far between." 

Standard Works. 

(For the Advocates of tkt PKmetie Syttem of 

Tax Sightc and Nashy Papers, Arte- 
mus Ward his Hook, Majur Jack Dmcn- 
ing, and the works of other American 
Humorists, which will thus be found to 
combine instruction with amusement. 

Professors of the new system may be 
found in plenty amongst the Somersetshire 




[FEBRUARY 17, 1877. 


Session! (Thursday, February 8th.) In Queen's wea- 
ther, and the QUEEN'S presence. " The Members are.met a 
terrible show ! " The RIGHT HON. BENJAMIN DISRAELI, 
served of all observers," has appeared, between his sponsors, 
the EARLS OF DEBDT AND BRADFORD; has served his writ 
on the LORD CHANCELLOR ; has duly taken the Oaths, and 
walked round the House, as a prize-fighter walks round 
the ring before setting-to ; and has held the Sword of State 
on the left of Her Most Gracious MAJESTY, while the LORD 
CHANCELLOR read the Speech which her Ministers have been 
pleased to put into her lloyal mouth. 
If " speech is silvern," what should a Queen's Speech be ? 

FEBRUARY 17, 1877.J 




Young Lady Tender (in Welsh Sunday School). "Now, JENKIH THOMAS, WHAT OEKW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GABDKN OF EDEN!" 
Jenkin Thomas (promptly). " LEEKS, Miss ! I " 

"Leaden," if we may take this year's concatenation of dull nar- 
rative and puny promise as a sample. It tells all in the history 
of the Turkish troubles that everybody knew already, omitting 
everything everybody wanted to know, and leaving us equally in 
the dark on the really important point what we are going to do 
next. It dashes the announcement of the assumption of the Im- 
perial title at Delhi with the grim tidings of famine in Bombay 
and Madras (but, strange to say, not a word of the cyclone) ; gives 
a regret to the troubles in the Transvaal, and promises 

For England Bills for Reform in the Universities, the Law of 
Bankruptcy and Patents, Prisons, and Property Valuation, Factories, 
Workshops, and Summary Jurisdiction ot Magistrates. 

For Scotland Legislation about Roads and Bridges, and Poor Law. 

For Ireland Bills for Establishing one Supreme Court of Judica- 
ture, and giving the County Courts an Equitable Jurisdiction. 

Et t-oila tout ! 

Let Punch call in the ghost of his old friend, SAMUEL PEPYS, 
to condense the Essence of the evening. 

" Then Lords and Commons to debating on the Address. But, 
Lord ! to see how blindly they did all talk, for lack of the papers, 
whereof 1,200 folio pages be only this day distributed to Members of 
both Houses, for such digestion as they can give them. Mighty 
pretty to note how in both Houses the Speakers for the Government 
and the Opposition did shoot in each other's faces the one clearly 
proving how they have all along used one language and kept one 
policy, the other as plainly showing how they have contradicted 

themselves flat in the one, and gone right round in the other 

And each to the satisfaction of his own side So no marvel 

nothing like to come of it all but nothing. 

" Only both sides do agree that my LOBD SALISBURY, hath borne 
himself bravely, and said and done exactly what both the Ministers 
and the Opposition would have had him do. As though a man 
should blow hot and cold at once. Which puzzles me. And my 
LOBD DUKE OF ARGYLL did speak mighty hotly, and gave their Lord- 
ships his mind like a spirited gentleman as ne is, and of a ruddy 
colour, and peppery, and was for making the Grand Turk do what we 
would have him, and taking him by the throat, if it came to the worst, 

whereat my LOBD DERIIY did seem troubled, being of a mind that it 
is better for all, and most for the Christian subjects of the Turk, to 
open their eyes and shut their mouths, and see what Time or Mus- 
covite will send them, which, methinks, is a course like to be more 
to the mind of my LOBD DERBY, and us in this island, than the Chris- 
tians now so grievously ill-handed and misruled by the Grand Turk. 

" Pretty to see how marvellous modest my LOBD BKACONSKIELD did 
bear himself, and how soft-spoken he was in his new place. And, 
methinks, he did wear his robes of Earl as easy as ever I saw, ana 
not unhandsomely, as do some that were born to them. And my 
LOBD 1 1 \ KTI \(, i d.v, in the Commons' House, did speak with a thick 
voice, but to the point, showing how that when the Envoys came to 
Conference at Constantinople, it was not only to ask the Grand Turk 
for Reforms, but to have the same Reforms, with the Turk's will or 
against it. And methinks my Lord would have England join with 
the. Muscovite to press the Grand Turk home, rather than leave him 
altogether in the hands of the Muscovite and therein methinks my 
Lord spoke wisely as well as boldly. But to see how the new 
Leader of the House was sore hampered, and would read from 
papers which were not yet before Members, and how MB. GLADSTONE 
chid him sharply for it, but himself afterwards spoke mighty well, 
and maintained all that the people in their meetings last autumn 
had given voice to, and all he had himself said and written against 
the Grand Turk and his ill-doings. Yet, for all this, could I not 
clearly learn what they of the Opposition would do to make the Turk 
do better, but hope they would do somewhat, though the Government 
do seem plainly of no mind but the mind to do nothing. 

" And so I home, marvellous weary of their much talking, and no 
wiser than I was before, which vexed me." 

In the Commons, Notices of Bills by the Bushel. 

Friday (Lords). ABCHBISHOP OF CANTERBUBY moves for Select 
Committee on Intemperate Habits, and the effect of recent legisla- 
tion on them. Including Ritual, Low Church, and Liberationist In- 
temperance, as affected by the Church Discipline Bill eh, my Lord P 

(Commons.) More notices of Bills added to the eighty announced 

On MB. CROSS re-introducing Prison Bill (not a burglar of that 



[FEBRUARY 17, 1877. 

name), the irrepressible Doctor had a rap at Dartmoor, apropos 01 
the " unfortunate nobleman." 

MK. II A Hi) Y reintroduces his University Bills changed into a 
double-headed Parliamentary Nightingale, including both Cambridge 
and Oxford in the body of one Statute. 

Sixty Bills brought in by private Members ! Hurrah ! What 
nights we shall be having ! Almost all the hobbies must be trotted 
out by this time, one would think. 


WE are often told that the Light of the Law is the perfection of 
Reason : but Law has not always the benefit of a humbler 
light the Light of Common Sense. We are glad to see it has been 
guided by this light to its judgment in the appeal against the 
conviction of DR. MONCK, detected in playing Spiritualist conjuring 
tricks at Huddersfield. 

The Vagrant Act, under which he was convicted, enumerates, 
among the impostures aimed at, tricks performed "by palmistry 
or otherwise." It was coolly contended, on DR. MONCK'S behalf, 
that the word "or otherwise" must mean something of the same 
kind as palmistry, and so did not include the tricks of impostors 
calling themselves Spiritualists. 

JUSTICES CLEASBY and POLLOCK, with Common Sense as assessor 
for the occasion, held tout ate contrairethat "otherwise " means 
' otherwise," i.e. tricks different from palmistry, and not of the 
same kind, and so affirmed the conviction, which leaves the soi-digant 
DR. MONCK to work out his term of durance as a rogue and 


CONVENIENTLY situated near the Parks and most fashionable 
Squares ot the West-End, almost in sight of the Marble Arch, and 
not too far from Marlborough House, stands a palatial residence, 
which combines the appliances of the laboratory with the luxury of 
a modern English home. Intelligent foreigners passing by this 
red-brick mansion in the Queen Anne style, with its plate-glass 
windows, its tall portals and quaint brazen knockers, its well-worn 
door-steps, and clustering piles of moulded chimneys, would imagine 
that its owner was a duke at least. Not so. This palatial residence 
the property of a man who for many hours daily wrestles with 
Death and beats off disease, while in the dark hours he burns the 
midnight oil in tracking Science through her tortuous windings, and 
makes, at least, twenty thousand a year in guinea fees alone. Its 
occupant is the most fashionable consulting physician of the day. 
Ihe value ot HARVEY D'OYLEY'S time is measured in gold his 
every nve minutes are guineas. These are swept in by the 
never-ending flood of his daily consultations. Then, in the night- 
:ason, so precious are his thoughts, that a secretary is always 
seated at his bedside, to jot down, in shorthand, what he says 
in his sleep. All the principal hospitals (of which he is an 
>fficer) are connected with his house by telegraphic wires, 

along which he flashes his medical oracles. The horses in his stables 
are selected for their bone, bottom, and speed. When a case of 
moment is on hand, when a Cabinet Minister has toothache, or the 
wife of an Archbishop is suffering from cold, it is a sight to see the 
Doctor's perfectly-appointed brougham, with its thoroughbred step- 
pers, flashing through the crowded thoroughfares. The moment one 
of D'OlLEY's horses gets past his work, that is, ceases to be up to 
twenty miles an hour, it is sold, and replaced by another. The 
discarded gallopers are usually purchased by CAPTAIN SHAW to 
horse the engines of the Fire Brigade. 

Before describing the house in detail, it is as well to say that the 
domestic offices are defective. The pantry would be more cheerful 
for another window, and the Butler has no room in which he can 
receive' his comme il fuut friends en petit comite. On the right- 
hand doorpost are two bells, one labelled "Visitors," the other 
' Servants." Let us check a natural inclination, and ring the first. 
After a pause of a few minutes, the door is opened by a formidable, 
almost repellent, person clad in sober black. This is the Doctor's 
" confidential man," but his name is a misnomer. He is the very 
reverse of confidential. Ask him to whom that wide-awake on the 
hall-slab belongs, and he will require to know your business. 
Question him about last night's menu, and he will feign ignorance 
of the fact that his master yesterday gave a large and distinguished 
dinner-party. But while you have held him in talk, you are ill 
fitted indeed for your vocation, or you will have found time to note 
that there is in the corner near the door a handsome hat-stand, sup- 
porting many curious walking-sticks and costly umbrellas. You 
will have caught a glimpse of the solid mahogany door leading to 
the waiting-room, and the green baize portal of the sanctum 
of Hygeia. You will have rapidly written on the tablets of your 
memory that the floor is covered with marble-patterned oil-cloth. 
Nay, more, before the door is closed in your face with scant courtesy, 
you will have made your own the important fact that a stained 
glass lamp is hanging from the central star of the stucco ceiling. 

Fortunately, there are means for gaining admittance here besides 
a sop to Cerberus. Coals must be carried, and a footman's livery is 
a disguise not difficult to assume. Moreover, the Healer, absorbed 
in science and consultations, does not know one servant from 

Entrance once secured, our survey may be more leisurely. We 
enter the waiting-room on the right from the hall. It is cosy, 
though scarce (from an upholsterer s point of view) costly. A red 
carpet with yellow flowers gives a decided relief to a blue wall- 
paper and a pale green ceiling. The chairs have oak frames and 
are leather-seated and backed. The table (a very good one, from 
the celebrated emporium of MESSRS. VAMP AND VENEEE) is covered 
with periodicals, comic and serious, literary and social, from 
Sradshaw downwards, of various dates and much thumbed. An 
illustrated edition of Joe Miller lies side by side with BUEKE'S 
Peerage, like two roses on one stalk. Mixed up with the 
lighter literature are several pamphlets by the Healer himself. 
Here, for instance, is D'Oyley on the Circulating Fluid, a most 
valuable addition to medical specialism ; and yonder, in a neat 
cover, is that standard work of D'OYLEY'S on the Obscurer Dis- 
eases of the Upper Ten Thousand, for the Doctor belongs to the 
new school, and eschews Latin words when English will serve as 
well. Seated on the chairs round the table, or ranged along the 
walls, or standing in groups, are the patients for whose amusement 
,11 this literature is intended pale-faced, wearied, and anxious. 

Do not let us wait to be summoned into the Healer's presence, but 
by virtue of our " Open, sesame!" enter his sanctum at once. 
A majestic room, hung with proof-prints of eminent Doctors, (from 
HUNTER and POTT downwards), with well-filled dwarf book-cases ; 
on their tops, and on stands and small tables all about, models of 
preparations under glass-cases, and chemical apparatus. The Healer 
.s a great authority on the diagnostic power of medical chemistry, 
and nis brochure on the white blood-corpuscles has attracted great 
attention in the columns of the Medical Press. Near the fire, and 
well-screened from the draught, are a desk and a very easy chair. 
And now let us look at the Healer at work. A delicate-looking 
man of sixty, with auburn hair, and a long, black, silky moustache. 
A grand head, full of bumps that would drive a phrenologist into 
ecstacies of delirious delight. A pair of piercing eyes, sparkling 
with a concentration of energy and enthusiasm, fun and science. A 
well-knit frame of great muscular power. He softly smiles as you 
enter, and motions you to a seat. A few rapid questions are first 
given, and the answers pondered noted, resolved. Then he examines 
you. He punches you here, bangs you there, and, so to speak, 
whacks you all over. " Does this hurt ? " he asks with each blow, 
md notes down in a large book which lies open before him your 
loudly-uttered answer. In five minutes he has knocked off your 
case, and after a hurriedly-written prescription, and perhaps a 
rapid interchange of thought on the current topic of the day, with 
a recommendation of a mutton-chop luncheon, and the avoidance of 
sugar and malt liquors (the Healer has a firm belief in diet, which 
lie calls the right hand of medicine, and mutton-chops are just 

FEBRUARY 17, 1877.] 



now up, sugar and malt down, in the medical baroim t> i , 
and your interview is over. You bow yourself out 
(aftrr leaving your fee on the table), and another patient 
takes your place. As the door closes behind you, you hear 
the faint sounds of distant thumpings. And so it goes on, 
from nine to one, in a never-ending stream of rapidly- 
intrrviewed pilgrims to the shrine 01 yKsculn]iius. Then 
comes the perfectly-appointed but not luxurious luncheon- 
tray, with its two glasses of restorative Amontillado ; and 
then the well-hung chariot, with its four-hundred guinea 
MI']I|MTH is at the door, and if we are to keep our eye 
on the Healer, it must be no longer chez lui, but c/u-z 
son clientele, in every part of the wide West-Kiid, 
from rococo Cavendish Square to brand-newest Ken- 
singtonia. But the Doctor does not take a man on the 
lni\ ; mid though few places are beyond our ken, we are 
not quite ubiquitous. 

Nor need we care to follow the Healer home again 
from his daily round. Is not private life sacred ? And 
yet one scene more. It is night. The Healer's house is 
a blaze of lights. The waiting-room contains a supper 
with all the delicacies of the season, for the pastrycook 
who lias taken the contract has charged fifteen shillings 
a-hcad! The gentlemen of the pantry must have in- 
creased assistance to-night. The roll and roar of car- 
riages ceases not without. Upstairs, in the gorgeous 
drawing-room, are the guests, including all the cele- 
brities of the day, civil and military, literary and scien- 
tific, fashionable and financial, musical and theatrical. 
In one corner a celebrated author is reading extracts 
from his works to a rather languid audience. In another, 
a professional negro serenader, banjo in hand, is singing 
with much feeling a popular comic song. The Healer, 
now in his favourite character of Host, is circulating 
around, with a smile for the Ladies, a flashing joke, or 
a profound conundrum for the Men, when a servant hur- 
riedly approaches him, and whispers in his ear. Five 
miiiutrs later the perfectly-appointed brougham is dash- 
ing through the streets at the rate of the Flying Dutch- 
man. It contains the Healer, bent on a mission of 
mercy. . . . Such is his life, full of mysteries and confi- 
dences, blind guesses and rapid inductions, vast gains 
and large benevolences, sensations and delights, guineas, 
honours, and contrasts. 


Of all that 's hideous, awkward, queer, 

Our Domes are quite top prompt, I fear, 

In emulation. 

The Grecian bend, the Roman fall, 
Set all our beauties waddling, wob- 
bling ; 

Sight of your tootsicums so small. 
Fair totterer, might be setting all 
Our beauties hobbling ! 

The Chinese Totter ! Taking name ! 
Fancy presents appalling pictures. 

K In-ar that a Chincw 
lady (wifi'of oncof tin' 
Staff of the Ambas- 
sador), who- 
signific* the Tottering 
Lily of Ftu< 
hoi accompanied thr 
Chinrae Embassy to 
toil country." Oo- 
lip of the Day. 

I ' \ i it llower from the Flowery I.and 

How national is your cognomen ! 
An inability to stand 
Is not the charm we most demand 
In Western women. 

'Tis plain you 've not been favoured 


With a Celestial MAUV WALKER. 
Ah me ! how much you must regret, 
Or should do, never having met 
That lively talker ! 

But pray don't bring in fashion here 
Your pedal fascination. 

Imagine all our Ladies lame, 
And modish Imttiers earning fame 
For ten-toe strictures ! 

We 've lots of fashions, goodness knows, 
Which are excuse me! quite as 


You're welcome, dear, but don't dis- 

To Western gaze those tiny toes, 
Sweet Tottering Lily ! 


THE fall of MIDHAT PASHA may very probably prove the means 
of affording Turkey a good chance of salvation. According to the 
Vienna correspondent of the Times, there has lately come into the 

of exceptional integrity, virtue, and intelligence, by name Aim KH 
REFIK EFFENDI, who has served his country in several high offices 
of State successively, and, during his intervals of leisure, has 
always gone " to dig and plant in his garden on the hill-side, and to 
indulge iris taste for reading and study." How elevated a taste for 
study and reading is that which actuates this literary Turkish 
Cmcmnatus, the whole world will discern from the statement that, 
amongst English and other cultivated residents in Turkey, by some 
of whom he was regarded as one of the most fanatical and dangerous 
of " Old Turks " 

"Those who, being under this impression, made his acquaintance, may 
have been not a little astonished to find a man as well up in the latest works 
of English and French literature as they were themselves, a man who took in 
1 unen and Charivari, and laughed over them as heartily as any man could." 

It would be mere mock-modesty to refrain from anticipating the 
observation which the foregoing words will suggest to everybody, 
that a Grand Vizier being not only a constant reader of Punch, but 
also capable of understanding and appreciating the contents of these 
pages, is likely to regenerate and save his country, if anybody in the 
slippers of a Grand Vizier can. May AHMED REFIK EFFENDI live 
to do it ; and that he may have plenty of time to do it in, may His 
Excellency live a thousand years, continuing to take in and read 
his Punch. 

Dens Bidentium. 

SHEEPS' teeth are used by dentists (so 'tis stated) 
To fill the cells that grinders have vacated. 
The Hatcham sheep uplift a piteous wail ; 
The Tooth they 've lost now nils a cell in gaol. 
Ah ! Toothless sheep, whose pap-preparer 's gone ! 
Ah I sheepless Tooth, that chew'st the cud alone ! 

(A Hint to Noble Sportsmen. ) 

MORE than once or twice during the shooting season, the constant 
reader of his newspaper may therein discover pleasant little unpre- 
tentious paragraphs, recording very simply such kind acts of grace 
as these : 

" HER MAJESTY has forwarded, from Windsor, twenty brace of pheasants 
to St. George's Hospital." 

" Presents of game have been dispatched from Sandringham, by order of 
the PRINCE OP WALKS, for the use of the patients in the London hospitals." 

Imitation, we are told, is the truest form of flattery, and we feel 
pretty sure that both HER MAJESTY and the PRINCE OF WAXES would 
be flattered by a loyal imitation of their gifts. Noble sportsmen 
would do well to emulate their betters ; and instead of sending all 
their surplus game to be sold for them at Smithfield. they should 
send some of it, at least, to the Hospital of St. Bartholomew, adja- 
cent to the market. Battues are abominable : but there might be 
some excuse for them, if their proceeds were distributed among the 
sick and suffering poor. As a rule, there is small interest in the 
statements of " good sport " which are paraded in the newspapers, 
describing how the noble army of Swells at Crackshot Castle nave 
destroyed, in the last three days, some five thousand head of game. 
Such paragraphs, however, might well deserve publicity if they 
conveyed an intimation that the game had been presented to the 
London Hospitals, and that the carriage of it thither had been 
charitably paid. 


CHAWLES and JOHN THOMAS are in great tribulation, as they have 
heard Vaccination is to be administered direct from the calf. Their 
situations, they complain, won't have a leg to stand on, if they are to 
be punctured for the benefit of babies. 


A CORRESPONDENT sends us an anagram, revealing in a new Peer 
what the world has long been in the dark about : " THE EARL OF 
BEACONSFIELD The real Face of Old Ben." 



[FEBRUARY 17, 1877. 

'," ; ';<;' ,/, V, 


" Died of a colour, in aesthetic pain." 







SIXPENCE a pound ! A blessed thought ! I hope this time it 's no 

vain vision. 
Ah ! bring the Butchers down a bit, and house-keeping might be 

Elysian ; 
But what with those blue-coated wolves, and trade in such a state 

as trade is, 
A prudent woman to venture beyond Australian tinned afraid is, 

let from your preserved meats, preserve me //never could con- 
ceit 'em ; 

And servants-drat their dainty ways ! declared they'd sooner 
starve than eat 'em. 

But these American frozen joints though freezing victuals does 
seem funny, 

By all accounts, are good and cheap, and that 's the market for my 

Cheap ! Word of comfort to a wife ! And yet it almost sounds like 


For prices keep on going up to an extent that 's really shocking. 
And prices, like that rash young man in MR. LONGFELLOW'S sad ditty, 
i they take to rising, won't come down again more 's the 

-Excelsior is the Butchers' cry ; at rising they 're as smart as rockets : 
And show themselves natural enemies of every woman's peace and 
_ pockets : 

nd If bH ^ tMS fr Zen beef 8hould Only bring the brutes to book a 
>d bl bit the * blessing on th se Yankees, every time I had to cook a 

But if they 're going to buy it cheap and pocket the extra profit, 
Like those Scotch cheats, 1 can't say I see much good folks are like 

to get off it. 
They '11 raise a cry and say, no doubt, they 're froze out, like 

gardeners, drat 'em ! 
But much I fear they 're far too sly to let us buyers tit-for-tat 'em. 

They 've always got some fine excuse Hood, drought, war, rinder- 
pest, and so on ; 

Don't tell me ! Government ought to stop the way these Butchers 
go on. 

Thousands of tons of Yankee meat imported monthly ? The more 

Spite of States' beef and Canadian too, my bills should still keep 
rising ! 

"Wearing of the Green." 

THE following is an extract from The Irish Times of February C, 

1877 : 

"Speaking of hie Grace reminds me that his noble Lady, the Duchess, 
created quite a sensation last week by driving down Grafton Street, preceded 
by two outriders, in a pale-green silk dress. Her reception all along the way 
was very warm, the people being evidently pleased at the marked compliment 
meant to be paid to Ireland by the colour of the dress." 

What a pity the people of Ireland are not oftener put in a good- 
humour when it takes so little to please them ! 


" EatJES " wants to know whether the horse christened " Manage- 
ment " in our last Cartoon shoiild not have been a filly, and named 
Mis-Management ? 





FEBRUARY 17, 1877.] 




CONFOUND those European Powers, 
A set of hogs and dogn and Giaours ! 
Jl'i- knuckle down to their dictation ? 
We truckle to intimidation '( 
Submit to their conditions, We t 
Concede our Slaves autonomy ? 
</'< f the Intidelaf eared P 
No, never, by the Prophet's beard ! 
Like that old Brick on Peter's Throne, 
Whose case is so much like Our own, 
If 'tis as pole resembles pole 
For whom We feel with all our soul, 
Has one, and only one, reply, 
\Vln-n vexed with importunity, 
So We, whenever pressed to do 
The thing we are unwilling to, 
Will let the Giaour get nought of Us, 
But a serene, "2fon possiimut ! " 


is. " AR YOU ooiNc! TO CHCBCH WITH i 


MAJOR ? " 


INFORMED by telegram that "LoD DEBBY had re- 
ceived an address signed by a numerous body of English 
traders, complaining of the Brigandage in Sicily, and 
requesting him to call in the most pressing manner the 
attention of the Italian Government to the subject," 
the Public, Parliament, and Press of Italy have been 
thrown into a lit of indignation at what they call "an 
egregious breach of the hospitality extended to British 
residents in the Island." Strange to say, what they 
mean by breach of hospitality appears not to have been 
the seizure of MB. ROSE by brigands, their detention of 
him in their mountain den, in constant danger of his life, 
and his release for a ransom of 2,400, no : it seems 
that, from the Italian point of view, the hospitality 
extended to British residents in Sicily was broken by 
MR. ROSE'S fellow-countrymen and fellow-residents in 
complaining of that and similar outrages to the British 
Government. Well, there's nothing like looking at 
things your own way ! 

AN Advertisement in a contemporary offers a select 
home to a few Ladies and Gentlemen who require rest. 
Among the first to avail themselves of this retreat will be 
found MACAULAY'S New Zealander and CSSAK'S Wife. 


(Respectfully dedicated to CAPTAIN SHAW.) 

" There were over a hundred fires in the Metropolis last week."- 


1. In the first place I, Punch, would have you careful in the 
matter of matches. Avoid those to which Proprietors and Manu- 
facturers have given the title " Safety," for use can be made of 
them only when you have the box by you. Rather choose those 
which strike not only on the box, but on anything. By employ- 
ment of these yourself, and by encouraging the careless use of them 
by your servants, you may do your part in keeping up the average 
of Metropolitan conflagrations. 

2. In these days of universal improvement your house is probably 
lighted with gas from attic to basement. On this head I have little 
to say. Remember, however, the proverb which illustrates the 
futility of seeking for anything in the dark. If, therefore, you smell 
gas, and are thus warned of an escape, go, or send one of your 
household, with a lighted candle, to discover the source of it. 

3. If there be no Gas in your house, it is probable that you will 
use oil lamps. Paraffin will do for your dining and drawing-rooms. 
In the nursery, schoolroom, or wherever else there is likely to be 
romping, employ petroleum or kerosine. Consider the Cow of 

4. Never indulge in Fire-Guards. They intercept great part of 
the heat of the lire, which no prudent householder can afford at the 
present prices of coal. If, in your absence, a gassy coal explodes, 
and the fragments arc projected into the room, how can you possibly 
be to blame ? 

5. Some housewives are of opinion that linen should be aired 
gradually. This is mere old-fashioned nonsense, unsuited to an 
age too rapid to permit of things being done slowly. Air your 
linen quickly ; have a roaring tire, and bring your clothes-horses 
as near it as possible. 

0. The medical profession strongly condemn chlorodyne or 

chloral. Therefore, if you have wakeful nights, compose yourself 
by means of a book in small type, which will involve your keeping 
your bedside-candle close to the curtains, where, if left to itself, 
it may burn down quietly. 

7. Nothing is more soothing than for a man with his head on his 
pillow to meditate over the affairs of the day with a cigar in his 

8. While wages are so high, I would have you execute for yourself 
any little repairs that may become necessary on your premises. 
The cases of Canterbury Cathedral, and the Alexandra Palace, show 
what may be done by the skilful use of a glue-pot. 

9. In the event of any article of wearing apparel or furniture 
igniting, remember at once to open a door, so as to admit a good 
current of air. All the above directions may be rendered useless by 
inattention to this hint. 

10. Never insure your house. Think of the luxuries you can 
purchase with a few pounds, and hesitate before investing your 
money in what is too often nothing but a premium on carelessness. 

11. And last. Take the foregoing directions to heart, and carry 
them out steadfastly and thoroughly. Verify the saying of THOMAS 
of Chelsea, that the twenty millions of these islands are mostly fools. 
Vex the souls of CAPTAIH SHAW and his gallant men, and by your 
ignorance, carelessness, laziness, and stupidity, continue to swell tke 
tire-returns, and aggravate your sincere well-wisher, 

( WlMt uitth flu Priettt of Satcham and Xaiibtont.) 

IN Horsemonger Lane Tooth-ache. 

In the Conrt of Privy Council Ear-ache. 

To PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY. Take care to choose a Lady Help, 
and not a Lady Encumbrance. 



[FEBRUARY 17, 1877. 




GEO. H. WH LL Y, M.P. 
CHAPTER I. The Jesuit Chief. 

IN a spacious arched and vaulted chamber, whose stones could 
have told of the darkest and foulest deeds ever perpetrated in the 
history of mankind when under the shadow of the broad triple- 
crowned tiara, which was assumed by the persecuting pontiffs of the 
mediaeval period in cutting, cruel, and deadly ridicule of the cos- 
tume of the oppressed Hebrew race, which, at that time, still clung 
to the traditional head-gear of a happier past, in, I say, an arched 
and vaulted chamber of the large building, about which there is 
something at once prisonly and palatial, at the corner of the Piazza 
di Septelti Diali,* were gathered some of the most remarkable persons 
in the world, 
whose names 
would have 
struck terror 
into the very 
hearts of the 
sovereigns of the 
capitals and the 
capitalists of a 
blinded Europe, 
which sees the 
movements of the 
puppets, but is 
cither unable or 
unwilling to rise 
en masse and 
detect the heart- 
less, fiendish, 
wire - pullers 
hidden away in 
the recesses of 
such spider-like 
corners as that in 
which I am now 
about, for the 
first time, to 
throw a perfect 
lampful of the 
purest, truest, 
and most uncom- 
promising light. 
Gentlemen below 
the gangway 
may sneer and 
attempt to per- 
suade the public 
that it is but 
waste of their 
precious mo- 
ments to listen to 
the voice of 
Truth, but the 
time will come 
when Sut to my story, t 

The gloomy chamber was hung around with various instruments 
of torture, which, though superseded by modern improvements 
and inventions, still retain their terrible significance, and cause a 
tremor to pass through the stoutest frame that ever England can 

In different corners, for the apartment is all corners and angles, 
sat sombre-hooded figures at desks, watching with lynx-like eyes 
the complicated movements of the telegraphic-needles in front of 
them, while inferior servitors, each wearing a tight-fitting black 
suit, a tall, conical cap, called in ecclesiastical Italian a Cappa 
Magna,+ and black half -masks, like Medireval headsmen, waited at 

* " Piazza di Septetti Diali." Is there such a Street in Rome? and are 
you quite sure of your spelling f In haste. Yours, ED. 

From G. W., M.P. Sir, facts are facts, be they never so factitious. The 
Piazza in question, I learn on the very best authority, is " a quarter," not an 
entire street. But the part represents poetically the whole. Yours ever. 

t The break at this point, and the italics, are ours. ED. 

I " Cappa Mayna."0n reference to Roman Catholic authorities, we find 
the " Cappa Magna " is a cope not a cap. la this not a slip of yours, my dear 
Sir ? ED. 

Answer from G. W. Slip ? No. If you believe what those people tell 

each hooded figure's elbow, ready to seize a missive, and dash away 
on some errand of the Segretto Servize.* All are busy. Every 
second the little bells are ringing, and messages arriving from all 
quarters of the world. A special department is assigned to news 
from England ; and during the Session the wires are constantly at 

And where are we now '? In the Camera Obscura of the head 
Department of the Secret Conclave's Office, whence issue orders for 
the conduct of the affairs, Ecclesiastical and Civil, of the entire 
globe, where all secrets are told ; where all plots are known ; where 
the Propaganda holds its monthly feasts, and the outwardly sedate 
Seminarists meet for their nightly revels. 

At a table, listening to the low-murmured recital of a cowled 
figure, sat one towards whom, from time to time, all eyes furtively 
glanced. He was dressed in a long gown, called a " birttta,"Jr which 
entirely concealed the closely-woven coat of chain armour that pro- 
tected him night and day from those whom alone, of all men, he 
feared, namely, the assassins in his pay. For him, bravos belonging 
to what is known as the " claque " were ever at his call, and their 
hands, over ready for his bidding, might, when unemployed, iind 

means to send a 
dagger to the 
heart of the very 
man who had 
taught them to 
use it. His face 
could it have 
been discerned 
by the. dim light 
of the chamber, 
was sallow, and 
of the Spanish 
type. His brows 
were heavy, and 
his eyes, bright 
and piercing, 
were restless as 
a snipe on the 
marshes, and as 
keen as the air 
on the Welsh 
mountains. + His 
head and face 
were closely 
shaven, the 
better to enable 
him to assume 
any disguises 
that the neces- 
sity of the mo- 
ment or the 
urgency of the 
affair might 
suggest. On his 
head he wore 
what alone would 
have distin- 
guished him 
from all the rest 
the insignia of 
his office 'and 
rank in the 
Popish Ecclesi- 
astical Camp. It was a cocked hat, surmounted by a feather. 

Beneath his cloak, and entirely concealed by it, he wore his 
epaulettes, and by his side a rapier of the purest Toledo steel. He 
had two air-revolvers of the most recent American invention in his 
girdle, while in his long, thin, sinewy, bloodless hand, which a 

you, you '11 believe anything. Why, you 'd believe that the unfortunate 
nobleman now languishing at Dartmoor is not the man he wasn't taken for. 
I know all about Cappa Magna. I 've worn one to try it. It 's like an 

From the Editor to the Author. Good. We shall not interfere again. 

* In answer to your letter, Sir, in which you kindly propose to leave my 
production untouched by the editorial hand in its characteristic features, I 
am open to admit that I never have been in Rome (dare / venture there, Sir f 
Would you in my skin, which is not proof against the stiletto of the hired 
assassin), and never will learn a language, which, whatever may be its 
original beauties, is associated with the history of the debased, profligate 
[** The asterisks are ours, ED.] Papal Misrule. G. W. 

t " Biritta." We said we wouldn't interfere, but " birilla " is a cap. 

From G. W. to the Editor. I suppose CARDINAL M-NN-NO told you this ? 

I I call your attention, Sir, to the fact that I do not write about matters 
of which I am ignorant. Am I not a dweller among marshes and mountains ? 
Very well, then : true in a tittle, true in a total. G. W. 

FEBRUARY 17, 1877.] 





FOR 11KB ! " 

Sir Joshua might have painted and a Sir Moses have bought, he held that most formidable 
of all his weapons, a steel pen. And who was this P 

Gentlemen, this was the man before whom all Europe in reality quailed, to whom Princes 
bowed and diplomatists cajoled, it was Don YICHEDUOMO SOVERICHINO, the General of The 
Jesuits ! ! 

" Emissario mio," ho said, suddenly, to a yellow-faced, high-cheek-boned Monk, whose 
general appearance bespoke the part of the world for which he was made up, " go to China. 
See the Emperor's Secretary, and give him this draught," and he held out a paper of the 
deepest black, with a few characters in white on it. " Ildrafto nigro," he continued, " will 
settle the constitutional question that is to give us a new empire in an old and tottering 
world. Stay," he added, as the Emissary was about to withdraw, " let me look at you." 

He eyed him narrowly from head to foot. Then, suddenly exhibiting tokens of dissatis- 
faction, he beckoned to a stout, pale-faced assistant, who had till this moment been seated 
in a dark corner with a box in his hand. This box he now opened. It was filled with 
paints, pigments, brushes, powders, pencils, Indian ink, and hares' feet. 

" Caro KAKLABKZONE," said the General of the Jesuits to the stout, pale monk, " < 
euiwppa bit/o.'" 

KABLABKZONE bowed, and, with a light hand and small brush, put a few lines here, a 
few lines there, rubbed a little more yellow into his face, and the man (in reality a native 
of Limerick) was transformed into a most perfect Chinaman. [Is it certain that this 
emissario is not one of those who hang on behind the Chinese Ambassador's coach as he 
drives about London ? Let CARDINALL M-XN-G answer, lie knows, and if he will only 

Just at this moment a piercing scream rang through the apartment. A secret door was 
suddenly thrown open, and a beautiful nun, pale and dishevelled, rushed into the apartment 
and threw herself at the knees of the General. 

t The break and asterisks are ours. ED. 
(To tit continued.) 


Of course I limit myself entirely to facts, either within my own personal and peculiar knowledge, 
or sworn to by those, in whom, from their position and exceptional opportunities of observation, I 

hare every confidence. I bare already spent 
hundreds. I may raj thousands^ in unearthing the 
machination) of the Jesuit* in this country I 
have been content to bear the obloquy cast upon 
me by the satellites of the Roman Secret Monastic 
Societies and, alas ! I have actually been held 
up to suspicion (how baseless my conscience and 
constituents best know) of being myself a Popish 
Emissary ! ! and this too by the once eminent 
Protestant Champion, Mil. N-D-O-TB, who, I fear, 
is after all but an unconscious tool in the hands 
of astute Cardinals and wily Italian Prothona- 
tanis. I defy I)u. M-NN-O and all his works (not 
one of which I would ever read, nor even accept 
as a birthday present), and dare the whole Con- 
sistory and College of Bishops and Council of 
Seminarists to disprove in detail any one of the 
Fact*, or contradict any single one of the state- 
ments which I shall put before the public in this 
true and thrilling narrative, which should rouse 
all England from its torpor, and cause Parlia- 
ment to send a carefully-selected body of firemen, 
with hose and hatchet, into the cellars of the 

I would not employ a policeman or fireman if 
I had my way, unless he were previously examined 
by a competent Protestant Committee, and had 
received from the examiners a certificate of his 
thorough acquaintance with the Catechism, and 
had taken a good strong anti-Popish oath with- 
out evasion, reservation, or mental equivocation 
whatsoever. For me, I would go to the stake 
cheerfully for my opinions, and I should be very 
glad to see others go there too, and remain then. 
For my part, I do not think I should care to do 
more than go to the stake for my opinions, get 
my opinions, and come back again. For the sake 
of the Protestant cause I would give up almost 
anything except, perhaps, my pipe, which is a 
great comfort to me when I am stumping at 
Peterborough, and which I miss in the House. 

I shall go on with this Novel as long as I can. 
in order to expose the system of tyranny and 
duplicity which keeps an excellent nobleman out 
of his property simply because he is a butcher, 
and, therefore, opposed to Lenten diet and fish on 
Fridays. But my time is fully occupied, and my 
leisure moments I devote to ringing lessons. 
When next asked to sing I shall do BO and 
charge for it. 0. W. 


Is the Crystal Palace worth preserving ? 
This is a question not raised in a pamphlet 
by MB. GLADSTONE, but by the LOUD 
MAYOR, at a meeting of public-spirited 
gentlemen, held the other afternoon at 
the Mansion House, to consider " the 
best means to maintain and preserve 
the Crystal Palace for the use of the 
people, in fulfilment of the objects for 
which it was originally founded." They 
ultimately resolved that, "in view of the 
great public advantage of the Crystal 
Palace, it is desirable that it should be 
maintained for the public," and appointed 
a Committee to confer with the Directors to 
that end. Thus the question before the 
meeting was answered in the affirmative, 
but not absolutely. They voted the Crystal 
Palace worth_ preserving to effect the 
objects for which it was ^founded, and not 

The former they contemplate promoting 
by a large and liberal scheme for " the 
cultivation of arts, sciences, and manu- 
factures, and the providing of good and 
elevating recreation for the public," and 
for those who join in the undertaking, ' a 
substantial return in the shape of valuable 
works of Art." 

Among the objects for which the Palace 
was designed, rope-walking, circus-riding, 
and'Cockney diversions in general were not 
included. So Punch heartily wishes, under 
sew arrangements, better luck to the Crystal 
Palace, and a return to the original inten- 



[FEBRUARY 17, 1877. 


(A Orowlfrom the Grand Turk.) 

' \ direful study of the Arabian Nights would be a better guide to the mysteries of Turkish policy 
him tl' eiTiitiny of protocols and despatches." Times. 

iDHAibeblowed! That's 

Giaour slang ! 
And let the Plenipos 

go hang ! 

Conference ? Consti- 
tution ? Foh ! 
Shall Padishahs be 

muzzled so ? 
Still Bosphorus Seven 

Towers doth lick, 
Where Giaours of En- 
voys once ate stick. 
Ask guarantees from 
the Grand Turk P 
A very, pretty piece of 


"What hath a Sultan but a " pshah " 
For irreducible minima ! 
It was not thus in MAHMOUD'S time, 
Nor in the glorious golden prime 

Bowstrings and Bosh ! Thinks he he 


Turn upside down the Ottoman ? 
Who is this MIJIHAT, to o'errule 
The Pasha-power of Istamboul ? 
Sherbet and Sheitan ! Are we sons 
Born of burnt fathers ? Ships and 

We've borrowed from the upstart 


Her spare cash helped her to invest ; 
But now these Giaours, by word and 

That the East's still the East, we'll 

show ! 
By change untouched, untaught by 


As it was in the golden prime 

The Padishah, a paper-thrall, 

At MIDHAT'S whistle to sing small ! 

A Constitution one decrees 

A bubble blown the Giaour to please 

On SALISBURY'S high waves to pour 

*r foil, 

IGN ATIEFF'S little game to spoil, 

But to be carried out ? Oh, no ! 

MIDHAT will find that way 's no go. 

MIDHAT shall quit, and ne'er come 

We'll give him what Giaours' call 

"the sack" 

A sack I.'d sink in Bosphorus slime, 
If this were but the golden prime 

What ! Shall a Sultan live in fear 

Of a Reforming Grand Vizier ? 

A text for quidnuncs and for quiz- 

zers ? 
Of Softas to say nought, or scissors. 


- /,i*s 

/ -A 

*Ai, ^ l / ^ A 

N lfu<2^3:>Ab 


, ^- - ^ ^-^ 4^ 

Bowstring the dog ! Or, stop a bit 
Hoist with his own petard 'twill fit ! 
Pull his own Constitution's trigger 
A hundred and thirteen 's the figure 
And floor the rogue with his own gun ; 
So at least one thing 'twill have done. 

A cup of coffee, spiced and strong, 
Had oeen more Eastern, and less long. 
But ours is a degenerate time ; 
Ah, how unlike the golden prime 

A Passengers' Railway Question. 

ON the Metropolitan District Railway a driver, losing nerve, backs a train downhill against 
another train, smashing 120 passengers. In compensation for their injuries, they gtt 10,800. 
Against this sum the Company has to put only 1 2s. 6d., the amount of the sufferers' 
fares. The Directors consider the compensation excessive. Had they to pay no more than 
the amount they themselves thought reasonable, how many more accidents than at present 
would occur in a given time on the Metropolitan District Railway ? 


PARISIAN Governesses are giving the last 
touch of French polish to their pupils. 

Music-Masters are coaching fluttering 
debutantes in CHOPIN'S Mazurkas. 

Dancing-Mistresses are giving six lessons 
in the lately-revived kick-up the Polka. 

The Board of Works is carefully covering 
a fine layer of broken bricks and. smashed 
bottles with finer gravel, and calling the 
mixture llotten Row. 

Young WILD OTES is growing Gardenias 
in pots in his bed-room, and nas taken a 
Farce to three Managers without any other 
result than polite refusal. 

CAPTAIN MONTE BKAG is practising seve- 
ral new tricks with the cards, with a view 
to simplifying ecarte and piquet. 

LADY HIGHFLYER has been closeted with 
MADAME RACHEL, who has had the impu- 
dence to crop up again. 

The Bower of Beauty and the Fountain 
of Youth are besieged every day by Ladies 
who have faith in metallic dyes and arsenical 

Several Screws, "the property of Gen- 
tlemen going abroad," are being highly 
groomed and carefully fed. 

Sand-cracks are being filled up, scars 
painted over, and loose boxes prepared for 
the reception of the splendid Park Hacks, 
which " a well-known Lady of fashion has 
no further use for." 

Dog Importers are busy picking up stray 
pets, and rendering them unrecognisable, 
with a view to ready sale. 

Awful sacrifices are making room for 
Spring stocks in West End monster maga- 

The Snowdrops and Violets of London 
Ball-rooms are opening their modest eyes 
to an imaginary future of blissful walt/es 
and bewildered Baronets. 

GUNTER is laying down Ice and crusty 
old Waiters. 

And MR. GYE has found a Tenor who will 
make us forget MARIO, and a debutante up 
to her work. 

(From a set in the Possession of W. E. G.) 

ACCEPT anybody's advances. 

Boys' bills should be big. 

Cash connection combines classes, 

DuUes are desirable. 

Eton enforces expensive habits. 

Family feeling is foolish. 

Good money gives good graces. 

Hard cash holds the highest. 

Impecuniosity is ignominious. 

Juvenile junketting is jolly. 

Keep kicking down cash. 

Lavishness leads to love. 

Money makes many friends. 

Needy niceness is nasty. 

Own money is good : other people's 


Procure plenty of pocket-money . 
Question quarterly allowances. 
Reward riches with respect. 
Silence self-reproach with silcer. 
Treat titles tenderly. 
Use upward opportunities. 
Virtue is not its own reward. 
Wealth is the wise man's worth. 
X-pensive habits are to be x-tolled. 
Youthful excesses are usual. 
Zounds! how things have changed since 

my time .' 

NEW TITLK. For Conference Protocols, 
read last edition of CeciFs Remains. 

FKHHIJAUY 24, 1877.] 



HEN a Lady of Mr. 
Punch's acquain- 
tance was in Paris 
not very long ago, 
she ordered a dress 
at a famous Mo- 
diste's, but found, 
when she tried it 
mi, that she could 
hardly breathe. 
On her complain- 
ing to the Modiste 
that the dress was 
too tight over the 

vous, Madame f " 
exclaimed that 
fuiititnl follower 
if not framer 
of the fashion. 
" On tie porte plus 
,!,- fforye" ("Bo- 
soms are not worn 

..iiitilimi-'f" I But 
how do Ladies 
manage;'") asked 
her innocent Eng- 
lish customer. 
Mail, dame, on tile la ouate " (" Oh! they take out the wadding"), was the 

...lly innocent answer. 

Punch had never fully appreciated the bearings of this perfectly true story 



till the other day when he came upon the following para- 
graph in one of the leading ladies' journals : 

" BUT a pair of Maintenon coraeta, fitting your waist measure. 
The other part* of the coreet will be proportioned ai you ought 
to be. Fut the coraet on, and fill the vacant apacea with tine 
ji'wclli'ra" wool, then tack on a piece of apft ilk or cambric over 
the bust thua formed to keep the wool in place, renewing it aa 
often ai required. Thia ia the moat natural and effectual mode 
of improving the figure which I have heard of." 

Now Punch sees how exactly the Parisian ModitU't 
i>lan came home to her own business and her customers' 


GIVEN occasion for Gentleman-Helps generally, doe* 
not a pita suggest itself in particular for Clergyman- 
Helps 'r 1 To a certain extent every Curate is a Clergy- 
man-Help, but to complete that character he should live 
in his Employer's Parsonage, or Palace, clean boots and 
shoes, knives and forks, wait at table, officiate in the 
stable, and work in the garden, being all the while as far 
i Me treated as one of the family. His wages of 
100 a year or so would then supply him with some of 
the comforts of life, and perhaps enable _him to put by a 
little provision besides for a season of being out of place, 
or a rainy day of disestablishment and disendowment. 

As to married Curates, subsisting on their mere 
stipends, a Clergyman-Help of that sort might be em- 

ned as gardener and man-of-all-work, to milk, and 
the pigs and so forth, whilst his wife could, in a 
genteel way, take in washing and keep a mangle. How 
such couples continue to make both ends meet without 
recourse to some such means, is a mystery suggesting that 
in the Established Church the Age of Miracles is not yet 


UK ut a hand there, Ladies and Gentlemen with a shot in the locker 
for poor JACK ! The publication of the last Report, read the other day 
at the Fifty-Sixth Annual Meeting of the Seamen's Hospital Society, 
will tend to correct a confusion of ideas, injurious to that charit- 
able institution. When people are advertised that contributions 
and subscriptions thereunto are received by the Bankers, MKSSF.^. 
WILLIAMS, DEACON, & Co., Birchin Lane, or by the Secretary, 
" Seamen's Hospital, Greenwich," they are apt to imagine them- 
selves invited to contribute to the maintenance of Greenwich 
Hospital itself. Supposing Greenwich Hospital well enough en- 
dowed, and supported besides with public money, they are apt to 
decline that invitation. 

The smaller Hospital has got to be confounded with the greater, 
especially among seamen of the Mercantile Marine, in consequence 
of the removal on shore of the Seamen's Hospital from on board the 
old Dreadnought, so long a conspicuous object in the Thames, sug- 
gestive of pleasing associations with whitebait. But the Report 
abovementioned now informs its readers that the Seamen's Hospital, 
Greenwich, receives no aid from Government whatsoever, except 
hquserpom ; the use of the Infirmary on their premises at Green- 
wich, instead of the loan of a ship, to the additional comfort of the 
patients indeed, but the proportionate increase of expenditure of 
quite fifteen per cent, for their maintenance, requiring to be met by 
voluntary contributions. 

Now all this is explained, it may be hoped that the Seamen's 
Hospital will cease to suffer from a misconception precisely similar 
in its effect to the detriment sustained by MESSES. SHABEACH'S 
establishment at the hands of MESSRS. MESHECH. through the 
dissemination of "the untradesman-like falsehood, it 's the same 
concern.' " 

So far from being the same concern with Greenwich Hospital, the 
Seamen's Hospital, Greenwich, is quite another concern. It is 
free to sick seamen of all nations. Within the scope of its cosmopo- 
litan hospitality, come not only medicine and surgery for nautical 
sufferers, but also the provision, if possible, of employment for them 
when cured. It contains two hundred beds constantly occupied ; 
and to keep charity going at this rate needs voluntary contributions 
yearly to the amount of 8,000, or, rather, according to a state- 
ment made in Cannon Street, of 10,000. It nearly paid its expenses 
last year, but not quite ; and owes 1,539 6s. Orf. Every Briton, 
whose song is " Rule, Britannia!" must see that, as an insti- 
tution subservient to the spirit of that chorus, the Seamen's Hos- 
pital (late Dreadnought) is a charity beyond all others for which the 
hat may justifiably be sent round. Its expenditure has much in- 
creased lately through the rise in provisions, amounting to 506 

additional in the last year alone. A hospital, however, need not, 
like almost every individual member of the community except but- 
chers, be the worse off for "Progress." Subscriptions, donations, 
and bequests in plenty, on the part of a generous Public, will doubt- 
less enable the Seamen's Hospital Society to keep pace with the 
times, whilst all but the most economical housekeepers are out- 
running the constable. The Dreadnought (that was) should have 
nought to dread. 

A page of the Society's Report is occupied with a table of Ports in 
the United Kingdom whence patients were sent them last year so 
many from each ; together with a list of annual subscriptions sent 
also by those Ports some of them. For, in several instances, op- 
posite to a considerable figure in the Patients' column, the Subscrip- 
tion column presents " Nil." We need only remind those who thus 
show their unremitting interest in the Hospital, that ex nihilo nihilfit 
"Nothing can come of nothing" in the long run ; though they 
have made their own nothings, thus far, produce something consider- 
able. Let them clap the omitted figure to the left of their round Os, 
and give them their proper values. 


FKOM the Blue Book on the Conference it appears that the SCT.TAIT 
was persuaded, notwithstanding LORD SALISBURY'S assurances to 
the contrary, that " the alienation of a large portion of the English 
people " from the side of Turkey "was due rather to the repudiation 
of the Turkish debt than to the atrocities in Bulgaria." Not quite 
so, Padishah. No large portion of the English people is so very 
mercenary as all that. It was not the repudiation of the Turkish 
debt which principally alienated even the Turkish bondholders from 
you. The Bulgarian atrocities did it simply of themselves. All that 
the repudiation of the Turkish debt did was to open the eyes of th^ 
British Public, and especially those of Tiirkey s Creditors, to the 
turpitude of tho Bulgarian atrocities. 

The Porte and the Power*. 

IT is whispered that a high Turkish Official, speaking of the six 
Governments represented at the late ineffectual Conference, 
observed, at a late Divan, that they might call themselves the six 
Powers, but he, for his part, called them the six Weaknesses. 


" I will something affect the litter, for it argues facility." 

Love'i Labour ' Lot, Act iv. a. 2. 



[FEBRUABY 24, 1877. 



THE Ghost of SAMTTEL PEPYS, flattered by the admission of his 
report of the dehate on the Address, and delighted to resume his 
habit, when in the flesh, of recording the day's news, has so pressed 
for permission to supply Punch's Parliamentary Essence once more 
at least, that Mr. Punch has consented, after a long interview with 
SAMUEL'S spirit materialised, in the ghost of his purple camlet suit 
with silver buttons, to humour the social old spirit. 

" And methinks," said ;the Ghost, after urging other 'reasons, 
" it should be pretty and profitable to your readers to see how the 
debates of my Lords and Commons do seem to one that remembers 
the Long Parliament, and the Rump and the Parliaments after the 
King's joyful Restoration, when money was so hard to come by for all, 
and Our Office especially, in such straits. Though, indeed, save in the 
matter of money, it do seem as if Our Office were still for the most part 
in as sore straits as when I was Clerk of the Acts, and as many 'mis- 
haps among our ships, and the Board abused, on all hands, as 
roundly ; but, Lord, to see how coolly they do take it, so as my LORD 
SANDWICH himself could not have borne the storm more easily." 

Mr, Punch had some difficulty in stopping the mouth of the gar- 
rulous old Ghost, which he did at last with Admiralty Blue Books on 
the cases of the Captain and the Vanguard. We subjoin his report, 
just received. It is tco long, but we print it as sent : 

Monday, February 12 (Lords). Question by my LORD DUKE OF 
ST. ALBANS, touching the Officers of Her Majesty's Engineers sent 
out last autumn to Constantinople, to what end was their survey of 
the defences thereof, and what the Turk was like to have thought of 
the same, as promising them from us help in need. But my LORD 
CADOSAN answered roundly that these Officers had surveyed and re- 
ported for service of Her Majesty's Government, and not of the 
Turk, and as for what the Turk might argue thereof, they of the 
Government knew not, and had no need to trouble themselves, with 
which my Lord Duke was fain to be content ; and methinks my LORD 
CADOGAN, for a young Lord, hath already well learnt the manner of 
answering, that we had in my time in Our Office, when saucy rogues 
would put questions easier to ask than to answer. 

And then the Lords to mighty serious debate of the new 
roadway at Hyde Park Corner, which do much concern many of 
my Lords, their wives and daughters, that do drive oft that way, 
and are sore hindered by the great press of common coaches, and 
marvellous to see how all wheeled carnages be multiplied in this town 
since the first.licensing of the hackney coaches which I remember. 
My LOUD BEACONSFIELD did speak mighty solemnly on this grave 
matter ; and methinks it is well their Lordships should give their 
minds to other questions than Eastern. But no new road yet, nor, 
methinks, like to be this long while, but much sedulous consideration 

FEBRUARY 24, 1877.] 





Huntsman. " THEN PERHAPS YOU'LL JUST POP OVJEB, AND GIVE 'EM A HOLLOO !" [Sporting Gent subsides. 

by the Board of Works of the reasons against all that are proposed. 
And, indeed, it is no light matter for my Lords and their Ladies, 
and for the Board of Works, that may not fitly go to work but on full 

(Commons.} To question of MR. ASHLEY, MR/BOTTRKE, a brisk 
young man, and Under Secretary to my LORD DERBY, had a hard busi- 
ness in explaining of the steps taken by the Turk in compliance with 
my LORD DERBY'S sharp letter touching the punishment of those con- 
cerned in the Bulgarian atrocities, wherein many sentences have 
been passed, as I did gather, but could hear of neither sentences nor 
offenders executed as yet, but a Commission still examining and 
seeking for what the French call Midi a quatorze heuret. Pleasant 
to hear how SHEFKET PASHA, the leader of all the atrocities, is not 
under arrest, but under surveillance, which do seem to me mighty 
different. So the upshot of all do seem to be, much said but nothing 
done, as is usual with the Turk. 

Then other replies to other.' questions touching these Turkish 
matters, as of the Loan, and the departure of SIR HENRY ELLIOT, 
and a certain despatch of my LORD DERBY'S ; and I do see plainly 
there is like to be no lack of questions for my LORD DERBY and SIR 
STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, and 1 do wish them both well delivered of 
their answers. Then much other confused business, which I could 
not note. 

At last the House to debate sharply of MR. SMYTH'S Bill for Closing 
of Irish Public-houses on Sunday, which the Government be of a 
mind to grant, as it were experimeittum in corppre vili, though they 
will none of it here. But, Lord, to see how Irish Members do con- 
tradict each other flatly herein, as in other things ; one O'SomvAN 
crying the Bill down as a wicked thing " to affect the interests of 
many thousand Irishmen, and to restrict the liberty and ancient 
privileges of Ireland," whereof, doubtless, the privilege of getting 
drunk on Sunday, as on other days, is one of the most ancient. And 
then to hear one SULLIVAN, without the " 0." calling lustily for the 
Bill; and a gross, fat man, one MAJOR (/GORMAN, mighty loud 
against it, and methinks did bear him as like the fat knight in 
SHAKSPEABE'S play as ever I saw ; and much laughter of the House, 
whether at his brogue or his belly I could not learn, but do believe 
the one did help the other. Among other things of this O'GoRMAN's 

that moved the House to mirth, was this, that for an Irishman to 
get drunk on a Sunday "anywhere save in a licensed public-house, 
though it ;were tub Jovefrigido the fat Major being one that can. 
talk Latin, as indeed, most of your Irish be scholars, after some 
sort was an insult to the Queen's Majesty, which puzzled me. 
But whether the Irish people be in truth for or against.this Bill, I 
know not. Forthe biggest towns Dublin, Cork, Belfast.'Waterford, 
Limerick the Secretary for Ireland did hold it wise to have in- 
quiry made of the matter by Select Committee. And nu thinks if 
the public-houses cannot be shut on Sundays in these great towns, 
it is little that they should be shut in smaller places. But Irish 
reasons are, and have ever been since first I heard of them, '.hard to 
fathom. So I wish the Bill a good deliverance, and no more heads 
or windows broken than is needful. 

Then a Bill moved for Valuation of Property for Rating, being a 
remanet from last year like so many of the Bills this Session. But 
whether this Bill be better or worse than last year's, I know not. 
And methinks the House was no wiser than I, which comforts me. 
Only I am thankful there were no such Bills, and few such rates, in 
my time. 

Also a Bill touching Patents brought in ; the same that they have 
been trying to pass these two years. But whether this one will be 
got passed I could not learn. Yet methinks it is sore needed, for 
inventions do multiply strangely, beyond aught that was dreamed 
of in my time ; and where they will stop, I see not. Lord grant it 
may all be for good. But am glad of one thing, that MR. ATTORNEY- 
GENERAL do own that poor men have a right to profit by the work 
of their brains, whereto this Bill is meant to help ; so I wish well to it. 

Tuesday (Lords). My LORD GRASVILLE to question of my LORD 
DERBY touching the treaty for mutual delivering up of law-breakers 
passing between this country and the 'United States of America, 
whither in my time they did deport rogues, but they now, it seems, 
being their own masters, do send their rogues to us, and we ours to 
them, as it were in the way of barter. 

And my LORD DERBY to explain how herein matters are again as 
they were, before he did get into a quarrel with one Fisn, the 
States' Secretary, last year ; so I do find my Lord hath had to 
eat his words, but put it as if he had not, yet doth it with as good 


[FEBRUARY 24, 1877. 


Gentleman from 2V. B. (he had sent his Presbyterian Sutler to a service at West- 


a grace as ever I saw, and much chuckling thereat among my Lords of the Oppo- 
sition. Pleasant to see how friendly their Lordships be on both sides, and now 
smooth-spoken, and my LORD GBANVILLE one of the pleasantest, yet can give 
a smart rap with a smiling face. And after, 'the same Lord mighty curious to 
know why, in the papers touching the Eastern Question, was no word of my 
MAHON, and the Due DECAZES, hut did assume it was for convenience of the 
public service, to which my LORD DERBY did agree. So I could not see why my 
LOED GBAXVILLE should ask the question. 

My LOED DERBY did add, wisely, that some talk with foreign Ministers was of 
no account, and such it was good to'publish : but some of grave account, and as 
to that sort the public were best kept in the dark. "Which puzzled me. 

(Commons.) More questioning of Ministers : and one SAMUELSON, a brisk 
man, asking if my LOED BEACONSFIELD, when he spoke so warlike at Guild- 
hall last December, had in his pocket the letter of His Majesty the CZAB OP 
MUSCOVY vouching his will for peace, SIE STAFFORD NOBTHCOTE did answer 
him so shortly and roundly as moved the laughter of the House ; meaning 
that my LORD BEACONSFIELD did look on the CZAR'S letter as but a canard, 
or Muscovy Duck, which is the name they give now to flams on public matters. 
But how the CZAR would stomach his letter being so. taken, I wonder. 

Then ME. FAWCETT, a mighty clear-spoken man in matters of Finance, 
and sharp-sighted for all he is blind, did move to reap-point the Select Com- 
mittee, that has sat for three years inquiring into Indian Finance, but never yet 
got so far as reporting, so that I was reminded of the hen that laid so many 
eggs she could never come to the hatching of any. For their reappointment he 
did give mighty good reasons, and indeed when a man thinks over all he said, 
the one reason against such a Committee would seem to be that its work can 
only be well done in India ; and asks rather for a great Minister of Finance 
than the best Committee that ever did hatch a ;Blue Book, which, as yet, this 
Committee hath not done, only taken more evidence than anybody will ever care 
to read. 

And to this effect spoke one SMOLLETT, a rough-tongued man, but ready, and 
i hard hitter all round, and would have had the House vote to leave off all 
spending on public works in India, and cease to distinguish between ordinary 
and extraordinary expenses in, its reckoning. Which methinks were a starving 

the horse to save the cost of his feed. And was smartly rapped over the 

knuckles by a mighty brisk young LORD GEORGE HAMIL- 
TON, of the Indian Secretary's Office, that it was a 
pleasure to hear how trippingly he spoke, and yet to 
the point ; so that it was pretty to see how well he had 
learnt his lesson ; and the House did cheer him mightily 
when he went into the Indian accounts, and showed a 
brave array of figures against ME, FAWCETT, and made 
put things in India hopeful and thriving, save for this 
famine and fall in silver, and was for no Committee, so 
the House did say no to FAWCETT by 173 to 123, and to 
SMOLLETT without a division, all being against him save 
himself, and methinks he is one of that sort that do often 
find themselves in a minority of one. 

Wednesday. Being Ash Wednesday, the Lords sat 
not at all, and the Commons not till two, for which I 
was glad, being' already wearied of my week's work, 
and Iknew not before they sat so late, and talked BO 

A Bill to guard the mouths of thrashing-machines 
and might, methinks, be extended to the House of 
Commons, where be many machines with mouths that 
grind chaff, and so waste time. 

One PARNELL moved a Bill to enable buyers of Irish 
Church lands to spread their payments over fifty-two 
years, and to pay nothing at first buying. Which 
methinks was cool, even for an Irish Member to ask ; 
and the House would none of it, though the Irish Home- 
Rule Members of one mind for once. So the Bill was 
thrown out by 150 to 110. 

A Bill, moved by one WILSON, to forbid the Sale 
of Drink on Sundays in England and Wales. The first 
child, methought, of MB. SMYTH'S Bill, and much debate 
whether leave should be given to bring it in or no, and, 
in the end, leave given, which I was sorry for. 

Thursday (Lords). Nought worth noting but my 
LOED DUKE OF ARGYLL'S notice of Question for next 
Tuesday on my LORD SALISBURY'S instructions, and if 
the Government propose to do aught, and what, in fur- 
therance thereof. 

(Commons.) More questions. ME. WAED HUNT did 
an English Captain, commanding the navy of the Turk, 
having been struck off the list and pay of his rank in 
1868, was in 1874 restored to the same, but no reason 
given. And in Our Office methinks, in my time, we had 
not restored one of our Captains who had taken service 
with the Infidel. But now 'tis otherwise only land- 
officers may not so serve without leave first given ; which 

Euzzles me, to find a reason why what is sauce for the 
md-bird should not be sauce also for the sea-fowl. 
did explain how SIE THOMAS ELLIOT did leave Constan- 
tinople like the other Ambassadors being ordered home 
to report, but not in disgrace, and was sick whereat no 
wonder, with the sickening work he hath had. 

Then one KYLANDS, a man of a rasping tongue, to move 
the rejection of the Prisons' Bill, for bringing of prisons 
under the control of Government; and much brave talk 
of Local Self-Government, which is, indeed a grand 
thing to talk of : and one CHAMBERLAIN, the stout and 
high-stomached member for Birmingham, and ME. 
NEWDEGATE, a solemn-spoken gentleman of Warwick- 
shire, and SIE WALTER BAETTELOT, a lusty Sussex 
Baronet, did follow on the same side ; and pretty 
to see now the two country gentlemen did sleek and 
stroke down the Birmingham man, but all to no pur- 
pose, for the House, thinking the Bill needful, and no 
check to local self-government, however it might be to 
local jobbery, and like to bring better governing of 
prisons, did vote the Bill by 279 to 69. 

Friday (Lords). Mighty grave talk of business to he 
done hereafter, hut none done yet. And sure, LORD 
BEACONSITIELD performs his new part as solemn as ever I 

( Commons.) The night's work begun by a question of 
Sm C. DILKE and sure never was such a questioning 
as nowa-nights, and, methinks, little reason for Members 
to call " Question ! Question ! " as they do, seeing the 
questions do come without calling. And so MR. BOUKKE 
to his reply, that the Government do mean to answer the 
Muscovite despatch, when the time comes, and they know 
what to say, and what the other Powers are of a mind to 
say. And then to Committee of Supply, hut first MB. 
GLADSTONE to call attention .to our treaties with the 
Turk and others, and to consider how we stand bound 

FEBRUARY 24, 1877.] 



thereby and thereon as high and hot debate as ever I heard i 
the headiest days of the Long Parliament, in the course whereo 
one CHAPLIN, a Lincolnshire Squire, did make as if he would pluc 
MK. GLADSTONE by the beard, who did take it in snuff, and did giv 
MASTER CHAPLIN, a young, brisk fellow, but one that is better known 
for a horse-courser than a politician, such a tongue-basting as di 
me good to hear, and methought I wag at the handling of som 
rake-helly young Cavalier by a grave Precisian, as it might [b 
M \M I:K PIIYNXK or MAM Kit KKLUKN, in the Protector's time. 

For the rest, much wild and whirling talk of these treaties an 
their force, between MB. HAHDY, the Secretary for War, and LOH. 
: MOM Adi;, another of your brisk gallants, and MB. GBAN 
a weasel -faced man, and shrill-voiced, but of rare repute fo 
knowing the minds and cities of many men, and wise beyond commo 
men's measure, and one COOBTNEY, new come into the House for Lis 
kcard, and as I do hear a smart writer, and one that looks to rise 
and indeed spoke more to the point than the rest, and one SMYTH 
an Irishman, mighty flowery and flowing of discourse, that it wa 
pretty to hear, and others, but I, sore weary of it all, and could pie 
nought out but many " An this be so, then that is so ; " but wha 
these treaties do in truth bind us to, or the other Powers part 
thereunto, or the Turk, or if indeed they bind either to aught, i 
more than I could learn. 

Only, MB. GLADSTONE do speak marvellous well, and weightily 
and, methought, glowed as with a white heat, that it was tine t( 
listen to him, and pity of MAST Kit CHAPLIN under his chiding ; bu 
j-et mighty silly of him to shoot at one that beareth too many gun 
for his tonnage. 

And, so the debate adjourned till next Friday, and I home in _ 
muddle. But I do see clearly that whatever these treaties be. no- 
thing will come of them all. And so best. But methought, had the 
<>1<1 Protector Men here, things would scarce run all thus to jangli 
and tangle and talk as they do, and methinks will do for somewhil 


lit Prince of Wales, To 
open a public Building, or 
preside at a public Meeting 
once in each week. 

The Lord Privy Seal. 
To listen to the MABQUIS 
OF SALISBURY'S speeches. 

The Chancellor of the 
Exchequer. The prepara- 
tion of his Budget. 

The Earl of Derby. 
answer the Russian Note. 

The First Lord of the 
Admiralty. To spend a 
few days with MB. E. J. 

Mr. Gladstone. To be 
debarred from the ue of 
writing materials. 

Mr. Lowe. To make a 
voyagejto Greece, and in- 

The Speaker.~-To pre- 
side at the meeting of a 
Debating Society every 
Wednesday and Saturday 

The Lord Chamberlain. 
lo visit all the London theatres in turn, and remain until the fall 
of the curtain. 

Nir H'i/ friil Lawson.To go the round of the great Breweries. 
iff. II halley. To hear CARDINAL MANNING and MONSIGNOB 
APKL preach alternately. 

The. Poet Laureate. To produce an Ode or Idyl on the Eastern 

Mr. Kuskiii.To take lodgings in the centre of Huddersfield or 
VV igan, or some other manufacturing town in Lancashire or York- 

ATr. Morris. To dine out in rooms with outrageous wall-papers. 

Motor Gorman. To give evidence against Irish Whisky before 
,ne House ot Lords Committee on Intemperance. 
v ?*."''.* Tmth -~ To pay the costs, and apologise to LOBD 


His Congregation. fo attend service at the nearest Nonconformist 

>, r/ ";> E d ito rs of the Ministerial Papers. To read through "the 
Blue Book on the Eastern Question. 

The Pope. To make it up with the KIM. or ITALY. 
The United States. To pay back to England the unappropriated 
balance of the Alabama Award. 



KNOWING you are a bold defender of truth, I wish to offer 
a remark on MB. GLAIISTONE'S statement at Marlborough the other 
day, that Eton boys are worshippers of Mammon. I wish to good- 
ness they were. Then possibly 1 might have got into "Pop" by 
this time. (" Pop," you know, is our name for the .School Debating 
Society, to which all the swells belong.) But they won't elect me, 
just because I can't row or play cricket well, and I 'm not in the 
sixth Form. I suppose I 'm not what is called " popular " among 
the fellows. Why, my father could buy up any dozen of these 
fellows who swagger about here as if the place belonged to them. 
But they black-balled mo when I tried to get into "Pop" last 
halt, wliieh shows that they don't understand the value of money, 
and are, therefore, even greater fools than MB. GI.AUMO.NK imagines. 

Yours faithfully, 

Eton College. CHCESUS MAJOB. 

DEAB MB. Puscn, 

I KSOW you 're a fast friend of the nobility, so perhaps you 
won't mind my making a remark. Some fellow here told me that 
GLADSTONE had been saying in a speech somewhere that Eton fellows 
worshipped rank. I don't find it so, I assure you. You know I 
belong to one of the oldest families in the peerage, and at home 
[ can bully the servants as much as I please, and everyone bows and 
scrapes to me and calls me " My Lord ! " Now, somehow or other, 
the tellows here don't see this. They all laughed when I tried it on. 
And that low brute, SMITH MAX, my fagmaster (I hope he won't 
see this, or he '11 work me off as sure as a gun), actually makes me 
cook his beefsteak every morning, run up and down for him all day, 
ind make his tea and toast at night, just as if I was a commoner. 
Confound his impudence ! But they don't understand the value of 
rank at Eton, that 'n the plain truth of it. 

Eton College. 




MB. PUNCH, respecting the cloth, is always sorry when the British 
lerk in orders out of the pulpit, of course sinks to what may be 
mildly described as "twaddle. 1 ' But when twaddle takes the 
ihape of impertinence and ignorance combined, Mr. Punch feels 
limself in duty bound to bring his baton heavily over the dclin- 
uent's fingers. What rap could be too heavy for a certain REVKBEND 
IB. GATES, whp, at a recent meeting of sympathisers with MB. 
'OOTH, at Warrington, said (alluding to LOBD PENZANCE) "that a 
man who had spent all his life in adjusting the relationship of 
dulterers and adulteresses was little fit to decide doctrines of the 
Jhurch " ? 

Now, what LOBD PENZANCE has to decide is, not what are the doc- 
trines of the Church, but what are the laws of the realm ; and what 
s, and is not, in accordance with them ; and his intimate acquaint- 
nce with one branch of legal learning does not in any way affect 
us qualifications in another. Mr. Punch is irresistibly reminded 
^f certain Pharisees who found fault with the Founder of the 
Church for being seen in company with publicans and sinners. But 
ven they wpuld scarce have cast stones at the Great Judge before 
whom the sinning woman was brought for the " adjustment of her 
elationship " witn harshly-judging and erring mankind ; yet here 
s this Reverend Gentleman who, as Master Page says, " belike 
laving received wrongs by some person, is at most odds with his own 
gravity and patience," indulging in a most offensive insinuation 
against one of the shining lights of the English Bench ! 

Mr. Punch replies in the anything but shallow words of SHAK- 

EABE ' I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning 
w wide of his own respect ; " and sincerely hopes, though gentlemen 
nth such ideas are generally as obstinate as they are foolish, that 
MB. GATES is, before this, heartily ashamed of himself. 


WHEBK 's the error P The EARL OF BBACONSTTELD " is the real 
ace of Old Ben." Who dares say he isn't ? 

WHY is Saturday the best day to make inquiries at the General 
ost Office? 

Because it 's ten to one you '11 find the Clerks there, and on other 
ays it 's ten to four. 



[FEBEUABY 24, 1877. 



What, part with my Party ? No fear ! It is nothing but spite as 

suggests it. 
If there 's love for true Liberal ways ' tis B. PRIG'S faithful buzzum 

as nests it. 
But that party 's gone awfully wrong under leadership blind and 

And rounds on its own .blessed BETSY, and goes and confounds her 

with SAIREY. 

Which matters are getting most awkward, and werry much mixed 

up and muddled. 
Those Blue Books do bother me dreadful, and make me feel flurried 

and fuddled, 
While DERBY and SALISBURY somehow my counsels appear to 

be mocking : 
The way as they 've talked to the Turk on the quiet is regular 

shocking ! 

Why WILLIAM could hardly hit harder. And here has B. PRIG been 

Bland BENJAMIN'S much milder ways. Such a right-about turn is 

quite crazing. 
My MIDHAT, too, mizzled ! It 's awful ! And then that there sweet 

Constitution ! 
Will nobody say a good word for it? Gracious I This it retri- 

bution ! 

And here hare I been a perf ormin' the patriot superior to party, 
And sticking sly pins into GLADSTONE, and artfully touching up 

Ji ARTY ! 

Coming down on that greedy old Bear every day with a reg'lar good 

But to find the Conservative POMPEY so much like the Liberal 

What, what has become of my Watchwords? Traditional policy ? 

f Paris? - thedus tof the Pharaohs ain't, hardly more 

And as for the Turk's independence, integrity, pride, and all that, 
Why the Guv'ment has served 'em like so many nine-pins, and 
knocked 'em all flat. 

Yet stay, there's one hope. No Coercion! My conjuring terms 

ain't all gone. 

Though there isn't much left to be fighting for, here is a sort of a bone : 
The Turk has met scolding and snubbing, and wolumes of wicked 

But let us stand out hard and fast against even "contingent" 


And ye Liberal lambs who so long loved the lead of my crook and 

my flute, 
Come rafly once more round your BETSY, nor fear that her pipe will 

be mute. 
Don't, BETSY conjures you, go dallying with Russia. It's jest 

From GORTSCHAKOFF, GLADSTONE & Co. let B. PEIG be your shield 

and salvation ! 


THE Board of Works, as part of its plan for a new thoroughfare 
from Tottenham Court Road to Charing Cross, proposes to sweep 
away the platform of the famous portico of St. Martin's Church, and, 
instead, to stilt up the pillars on pedestals, and to Limit the steps to 
a break-neck staircase from the church-doors to the face of the portico. 

The Vicar writes to protest in the name of the parish and he 
might have added, of Punch. We have not so many good examples 
of Palladian architecture in England that we can afford to mutilate 
about the best of them. 

If St. Martin divided his cloak with the beggar, that is no good 
reason for the Saint dividing his portico which may be symbolised 
as his "dickey" with the Board of Works, who are not beggars, 
but choosers. In this case let Parliament say, " We don't choose." 
The refusal may lead to some alteration in the plans, even to some 
deviation from the proposed line of street. But what though ? 
St. Martin de Tours will but be St. Martin de detours .' And the 
portico is well worth a circumbendibus. 







s? "3 

i O GQ 

i O * 

QD S t 

H * 

Q 5 c" 

HO b) 

e U 


W H 












BBRUAHY 24, 1877.] 




OXSCII-:N i mi's Mi:. 


wonder that he takes 
to writing upon Post- 
Cards, when he is 
pestered every day by 
a myriad of busy- 
bod ies, who plague 
him with an endless 
variety of questions, 
which he is too polite 
to pitch into his waste- 
basket, unanswered. 
What celerity of pen- 
manship, and what 
abounding store of 
patience a Statesman 
must command, when 
his morning's work 
consists in furnishing 
succinct and publish- 
able answers to such 
queries as the follow- 

Are you a believer 
in the Tomb of Aga- 
memnon, as recently 
discovered, and how 
do you account for the 
number of buttons 
1 ' found in it ? And do 

that HOMER was a man, and not a noun of multitude signifying many ? 

What are your opinions on the Great Eastern Question ? And would you 
advise a jobber to bull or bear in Turks and Egyptians for speculative purposes ? 

Do you consider it consistent in a Vivisectionist to open half-a-score of 
oysters for his supper, and, if so, is it worse in him to pepper and vinegar them ? 

vv hat are your ideas as to the present whereabouts and chances of discovery 
of the missing Gainsborough P 

Oblige me, confidentially, with your views upon the 
Tooth ease If 

It yiiu wi-r(! the driver of an Ass averse to speed, would 
you consider yur.sdt' justified in inflicting corporal 
punishment, and if so on what grounds? 

Have you tried Australian tinned meats ? And what 
dodges do you recommend to make them go down with 
the servants P 

Please to state, from your own personal experience, 
what you have ascertained, since leaving school, as to the 
use of the Digamma. 

What arguments would you adduce to show that 'Bus 
Conductors should be exempt from Income-tax ? 

The Churchwardens of Slobberton have quarrelled 
with their Curate, because he will eat iniitlins and red 
herrings upon fast-days. What course would you suggest 
to bring about the wished-for reconciliation ? 

Do you ever drink cheap Claret P If [so, what would 
you prescribe as an efficacious antidote P 

State concisely your opinions on the practice of 
announcing " No Cards" in matrimonial advertisements. 

If you wished to learn Chinese, how would you set 
about it ? 

When you cut a Tree down, do you take your coat off 
and discard your braces P 

To help a ragged Schoolmaster, please give a sketch 
of Grecian politics in the time of ARISTOTLE. 

What Tobacco do you smoke ? and do you approve of 
Binking P 

What are your private views upon DJSSCAHTKS' Atomic 
Theory, and do you recommend the use of Marmalade at 
breakfast P 

State, as briefly as you can, what you think of things 
in general ? 

A Vulgarian Atrocity. 
Pio NONO loquitur. 

INFALLIBLE, while erring man 
Insists "You shall," I say " I shan't." 

As "vpssumui" is " Vat-I-can," 
" Non positimus " is " Vat-I-can't." 


LAST night, at the usual meeting of the Jolly Codgers, Blue Lion, 
Seven Dials, the proposed Spelling Reform was discussed. MR. 
WILLIAM SIKES presided, and among those present were COSTER- 
The Chairman, in opening the discussion, said, that the nation 
demanded Reformed Spelling. (" 'Ear, 'ear ! ") The present system 
was most vexatious to a gentleman whose time for schooling was 
limited. When he was a ploughman which he was proud to say 
he had whistled at the plough, and precious hard work it was, 
and soon took the whistle out of a chap worse than the crank 
some meddlesome fellow had the cheek to say in an argument that 
cough and plough were spelt the same way. (" Shame .' ") He did, 
though. But what did he (the Chairman) do '< He knocked the cove 
down, and the beaks gave him three months for it. (" Oh, oh!") 
Wasn't reform needed. (Cheers.) 

SAILOR TOM entirely concurred with the remarks of the last 
speaker, although, from experience, he was bound to say he did not 
believe a single word of 'em. ( " ' Ear, 'ear ! ") Reform was needed. 
His own plan was the best. He 'd tell 'em what it was. He was 
called SAILOR, although he had been christened THOMAS CORAM, 
arter the street where ne was found on a doorstep and conveyed to 
the Foundlins Orspital. And when he signed his name to articles 
ho put down a cross, and there was no bother about spelling. He 
warn't much of a scholar, but shiver his timbers if he could see why 
some of the big wigs could not adapt his system to everythink. 

FAKKMKNT JOE had been convinced of the iniquitousness of our 
spelling ever since that great and glorious martyr Sra ROOER 
CHARLES DOUGHTI TICHBORNE had been sent to prison for not spelling 
his words according to harbitery rules. 

The meeting here paused to give three cheers for DR. KENEALY. 
On resuming business it was discovered that FAKKMENT JOB had 
gone. It was also discovered that he had gone without paying his 
share of the reckoning. It was further discovered that one or two 
little articles belonging to various gentlemen had gone with him. 

CosTRRMONfiER ROBERT said that all he wanted was that words 
should be spelt as pronounced. Notwithstanding the accident to 
the Chairman (Cheers) he would knock anyone down who said 
that d-o-n-k-e-y spelt moke. He had been eddicated in his youth, 
and found out that all this spelling was the fault of DR. JOH> 
(Groans.) Who was this JOHNSON ? Why he was a noosepaper man in 

the neighbourhood of Fleet Street. Fleet Street was one of his many 
pitches. There was a deal of noosepaper men thereabouts still, and 
he did not think much of ' em. They talked about the history of the 
language. That be blowed. They said if you altered the spelling 
they used now to the new way, you wouldn't be able to read books 
printed the old way. Bother books ! They warn't no good as ever 
he see. Give a cove a barrer, and let mm 'arn his own grub. 
Heady money and no accounts was his mutter, and on that a cove 
could get along werry well without readin and writin. He 'd fight 
any man therefor half-a-crown. (Cheers.) 

ROHKY WILLIAM thought the School-Board was at the bottom of 
it all. He was a cat's-meat man. (Laughter.) They might laugh, 
but it was a noble calling. The School-Board did it. His little 
bor was at school, and only last night home he comes, and he says, 
" rather, what 's written on your basket is wrong. ' Katsmete ' is 
incorrect." So I says, " Is it, my shaver ? How do you spell 
that P " And I gives him a tidy dusting. The meeting might 
depend upon it, School-Boards was aggerawating. 

Somebody then asked whether the Chairman was going to stand 
anything. The Chairman said he wasn't. Somebody else threw a 
pewter pot at the Chairman. The Chairman put out the gas. A 
smart interchange of opinions then ensued, Finally, the whole 
meeting, escorted by five constables (placed at their disposal through 
the courtesy of MB. INSPECTOR X 1), proceeded to Bow Street, where 
they passed the night. 

On Seeing Mr. Clayton in "All for Her," and afterwards 
in "The Danischeffs." 

THE Heroes in both plays have this in common 
They 're far too good for our self-seeking lite : 

One his head loses for a charming woman, 
And t'other to another gives his wife. 

Who '11 the first follow in such abnegation P 
What modern lover for his love would die P 

But is the other act past imitation P 
" Oh no ! " a crowd of henpecked husbands cry. 

MRS. MALAPROP RIOHT FOR OXCE. When she called the bright 
moment between two showers an Interregnum. 



[FEBRUARY 24, 1877. 


This week we have the pleasure of placing More the public the first 
Chapter of an entirely original Novel, entitled 





CHAPTER I. The Pnyx and the Gnomon.^ 

BETWEEN the rivers of the Zupp TJntein and the Aurnum Untul 
Vortar of the Garrene Parrukh, which, it is believed by such high 
authorities as BOBLOT and EEETUN (vide Metrop. Imp. Vol. ii. 
p. 210), to have been the Matohtaxartes and Stattesphairon of the 
ancients, bounded on the north by the Tural Ural Mountains, and 
on the south by the Great Kittjenn Range, lies the fertile region of 

the Beeynr Kappz, now inhabited by the Volgrest people" Qui 
cultros in faucibus suit manducantes ponebant," (Mores Sarba- 
rorum. Opuic. Lib. ii.) 

This forms the Brym, Boundary, or head-quarters of the Zschap- 
pau Maykurs, living under the iron presidency of a Hatti Scheriff.J 
Here the native races are as rude and uncultivated as the soil they 
vainly try to utilise. The distinctive feature of the younger por- 

* To the Public. In pursuance of our plan, and in the unfettered exercise 
of our Editorial discretion, we were compelled to return the remainder of the 
MS. romance commenced in our lait week's issue by MR. GEO. H. WH-LL-Y. 
Of course after this we must eipect to be stigmatised by the Member for 
Peterborough aa Jesuits and Anti-Claimantists. We have no doubt that The 
Masked Mon/t will prove a most thrilling and exciting romance, if restricted 
to about half an ordinary-sized novel volume; but we regret that in its 
present form it is unsuited to the tone of this journal. We have returned it 
to MR. GEO. H. WH-LL-Y, at Peterborough, reminding him that compression 
is the better part of authorship. In this present number we give a chance to 
an eminent Hand, whose first instalment will be welcomed with pleasure, 
and, we hope, read with interest. ED. 

t Thu was divided in the form of five numbered headings, subdivided into 
a, 6, e, &c. As this occupied too much space, we have extracted the essence 
(as we think) in this simplified superscription. ED. 

J Knapp and Tyler's Reports, folio. 

tion of the community is the long nose, with which the stranger 
meets at every turn of the conversation, at once making abortive all 
serious reply to earnest inquiry, and producing feelings akin to 
distrust and repugnance on the part of the impressionable traveller. 
The central and most civilised division of this district, called 
Kapul Kaut, is situated within a few hours' march of Kaunii, and is 
inhabited by various Mahqmmedan, Christian, Persian, Jewish, and 
other nomad races the Stirpes Noninsance of the ancients, modelled 
on the'manner of the traditional Sitti communities, herding together 
for common protection from the wild Bulls and savage Bears, and 
only collecting their means of existence from the considerable ad- 
mixture, and daily extended sprinkling, of foreign Stocks. 

It is a region through which have passed, from time to time, the 
Hems, the Hahs, the Guls, the Noguls, the Svindlahs, the Dubs, 
the Shamms, and the Hums. These last, compelled, in their west- 
ward course, to flee from the vicinity of the Bug, from causes analo- 
gous to those which have forced more civilised races to retire from 
continental caravanserai, and to quit furnished apartments on the 
various sea-boards, have finally settled on the Tartaric basin. Here 

despotic Tyranny, 
under the guise of 
lawful Government, 
displayed its most 
hideous terrors. 

were consummate 
scoundrels, who 
thought nothing of 
wantonly impaling 
the several members 
of their own families, 
under the diplomatic 
pretext of "esta- 
blishing fixed rela- 
tions." They were, 
however, completely 
upset by the personal 
bravery and fearless- 
ness of GENEKAL 


took the citadel, over- 
turned AVATAE KHAN, 
and then crowned his 
victory by taking a 
PASHA, unable to face 
the Muscovite guns, 
chose rather to end 
his life of sensuality 
and bloodshed by the 
ingenious method 
employed for the de- 
struction of Deioneus. 
On a certain Black 
Friday, still devoutly 
kept as a festival in 
his subjects' calendar, 
stepped on to a few 
light branches which 
barely concealed the 
furnace of live coals 
that awaited his descent. Thus, as HOMES sings, he 

But no mere extirpation can be permanently successful which is not 
directed ad radices. The axe rusts while the Upas tree grows. 
" Increscit accessit." (Ludi Hawardeni Lib. Jocularis, Vol. I.) 

Thus the Russians, to as much of their credit as remains, be it 
said, have scratched the match of civilisation on the sand-paper of 
the Desert. Not theirs the blame, if what would have been the 
light of other days is not to be kindled by a process that can only 
be described as a system at once arbitrary, ambiguous, and non- 
progressive ; for the Match of Civilisation (and here I may refer to the 
evidence of BODLOT, an unimpeachable witness experienced in such 
questions) is wanting in the one touch of universal sympathy, and, 
whether rubbed the right or the wrong way, will not exhibit itself 
as a mere product of a Trades Union, but will obstinately prefer to 
leave _a whole generation in obscurity, rather than afford immediate 
illumination by submitting to be ignited anywhere, save and except 
on its own private and peculiar box. 

CHAPTER II. The Sporadic Transmarines in Progression. 

SUCH as I have briefly sketched was the state of society under 
MUDDEL ALI KHAN, when the hundred Argus eyes of the Vatican 

FEBRUARY 24, 1877.] 




Kobust Beggar. " Ail, BUT IT'S ALL m THE INN'ARDS, MARM!" 

and the hundred hands of the Curia were directed towards the 
East, in the hopes of proft tine by one false Steppe of . Tartary : hut 
in vain. TRIBAKI Prror, the Greek Patriarch, " cont'urationem 
fumigarit" and regarding it from his "avis occulus" point of 
view, declined the tempting offer. " Non 6 vero." (Op. Max. di 
Ben Trovato, Cap. vi.) 

At the time of the commencement of my story the advanced intel- 
ligence of the people was casting off for ever the vile slough of 
servitude, and was preparing to offer a desperate and patriotic 
resistance to the cruel and treacherous Mussulman. 

The Secret Societies were sitting and hatching, hut the revolu- 
tionary fledgling had not yet shown its pecker through the thin 
superficial shell, nor, as yet, had any effort been made to get rid of 
the heavy yoke. To one of these secret societies belonged the young 
HTTPSILON, Hellenic chieftain, who had been solemnly and eccle- 
siastically united to the fair IOTA by PHILAKUPOLDOS, the celebrated 
Greek Particle of Constantinople. These Uniates would have lived 
happily, but for a sudden note from OrnEKLEroos, the leader of the 
Insurgent Band, who, however, was only an instrument, though a 
powerful one, in the hands of others. This latter, namely OPHE- 
KLEIDOS, was by profession the editor of a daily AntHellenic journal 
called the Pellmellos Oazettos, which from time to time startled the 
world by the loudness, and not infrequently by the falseness, of its 
occasional notes, which it is said were for the most part inspired by 
one BLASTOS, the King's Chamberlain. 

I do not undervalue the services of a free Press in a free State, as 
I have before now proved to those who once knew how to conduct a 
penny diurnal, nor am I blind to the advantages of printer's ink. 
the more than fifty-four thousand copies of one of my sensational 
pamphlets being an argumentum ad pocketum that no mere human 
testimony to the contrary can withstand ; but I can never suffi- 
ciently estimate the flattery of which the Pellmellos Gazettes made 
me the object, when its talented Editor, quoting from certain books 
about the "Bulgarian Horrors," paid me the unprecedented com- 
pliment of adopting the method, wnieh I had previously employed 
when writing on Catholic Allegiance, that is, of garbling authorities 
wherever it was possible, though the same gentleman fell short of 

his model in not attempting to translate what he did not under- 
stand, and in not mistranslating the text wherever it made 
strongly against his own case. The Pellmellos Gazettes, edited by 
OPHEKLEIDOS, is written " hominibus ad homines " I should say 
" .Domini* ad dominos " (vide Class. Diet., Art. " Sal de F Opera," 
No. 1 Le Domino), and I can only characterise the articles to which 
I refer as a stupendous effort to whitewash the heroes of Bulgarian 
Horrors, for the sake of the holders of Belgravian Houses.t 
* * 

t It was when we arrived at this point in the Novel (?) that we, in our 
Editorial capacity, ventured to send to the illustrious Author, to inquire, in 
the politest manner possible, " when the story was going to begin i " In 
reply to this, we received what the eminent writer was pleated to term " a 
letter," but which wn in reality a small pamphlet, explaining to usJ!ntly, 
how the present work had ever come to be written ; secondly, giving us a 
sketch of the literature of the world up to the present time ; thirdly, a review 
of LORD BEACONSFIELD'S policy, us traceable in his romances ; fourthly, 
showing us what would be his (W. E. G.'s) answer to certain probable ques- 
tions concerning the work in hand ; fifthly, explaining to us that bis strongest 
situation in tbe Fiftieth Chapter was founded on an episode in the Bulgarian 
Horrors ; tixthly, giving us a valuable and learned disquisition on the Ameri- 
can interest in the discovery of Agamemnon's tomb; teventhh/, impressing 
upon us the local colouring which he intended to give in his Fifth Volume, 
where the scene would be laid in Wales, when he would treat us to a graphic 
account of the disestablishment of the Early British Church by AUGUSTINE ; 
eighthly, telling us how an entire volume, at present uncertain, would be 
devoted to the History of the Axe in the Forests of England and Wales, illus- 
trated with woodcuts ; and, ninthly, pointing out, emphatically, the end, aim, 
and general scope of the Novel, as bearing upon the political progress and the 
liberal development of the Human Race. 

Honoured, as we are, by this exhaustive and exhausting reply, we regret 
our inability to devote all our pages for the next six months to the publication 
of this full and laborious answer to our simple question ; nor, we add, also 
with regret, can we proceed with this most interesting work of fiction, wnich, 
however, we can confidently recommend to any large publishing firm, as likely 
to command the immediate attention of the trade and the public. En. 

JOINT ACCOUNT. A Butcher's hill. 



[FEBRUARY 24, 1877. 


fascinating, but frivolous Fair One. "WHAT A PITT TOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T 





SINCE the time now above a hundred years ago 

" Whipped two female prentices to death, 
And hid them in the coal-hole" 

so purchasing for herself an immortality of infamy, and 
making her name a synonym for infliction of lingering 
death oy torture on the weak and unresisting we have 
seldom read of a series of more diabolical cruelties than 
those inflicted by a couple of brutes, a "gentleman" 
farmer and his wife, at Iver-heath, ;near Slough, on a 
wretched little nurse-girl of sixteen, hired by them 
from the Princess Louise's Home at Wansford. 

But the horror of the case alone would not have led us 
to harrow our readers' feelings even by allusion to the 
disgusting ill-usage by this well-matched pair of the 
wretched girl, on whom they were allowed for a while 
to wreak their devilish lust of tormenting. The re- 
markable point, which prompts Punch's comment, is 
that when MRS. MOHRIS, the female tormentor, hired the 
girl at the Home, she expressed to the Matron her regret 
that she was not better-looking, as she wished her child 
from the first " to look only on what was beautiful" ! 

MRS. MORRIS must evidently have been a person of the 
most delicate (esthetic sensibilities. Who knows but 
that she ill-used CAROLINE CARTER out of sheer disgust 
with her plain face. Just as "a thing of beauty" 
would have been " a joy for ever," the thing of home- 
liness was a constant aggravation, and was made to pay 
for her plain face by proddings from forks, lashings from 
horse-whips, kickings up and down stairs from MR. 
MORRIS'S new boots, pinchings of pieces of flesh from her 
bare body, pluckitogs out of her hair by handfuls, and 
breakings of her head and arm with the kitchen-poker. 
"Serve her right! " What business had she to be so 
provokingly plain, with a Mistress possessed by such a 
strong sense of The Beautiful ? 

And what an instructive light does the case thus re- 
garded throw on the profound truth, so earnestly of late 
inculcated by a certain school of critics and artists 
amongst us, of the absolute independence of Ethics and 
Esthetics, and the entire absence of correlation between 
Art and Morals. 


WHAT will our Yankee cousins say if they 
" Yesterday's Markets " in the English papers ? 
"American Spirits dull, quotations weak." 




SIR WILFRID LAWSON'S. Close all the Public-Houses, and prohibit 
all Spirits, but the good spirits produced by my speeches, or the 
perusal of Joe Miller. 

Major O' Gorman's. Soberise the Great Babylon, and don't allow 
HER MAJESTY to be insulted by the sale of Scotch whiskey in 
licensed publics, while there is Irish whiskey for the importing. 

Mr. Whalley's. Make it penal in the butchers to sell any legs of 
mutton with the Pope's-eyes in them. 

Dr. Richardson's. Pull down all the houses, and re-build them 
upside down. 

West-End Tradesmen's. Abolish the Civil Service Stores, and 
banish MR. WHITELEY. 

The Theatrical Managers'. Shut up all the Music-Hails. 

The Music-Hall Proprietors'. Close all the Theatres. 

Materfamilias's.' Open depots in every parish for the sale of 
American beef at importers' prices. 

The Butchers' Prohibit the importation of dead meat from 
beyond sea. 

Paterfamilias' s. Suppress the Vestries, and get rid of Rates and 

Mr. William Sikes's. Reduce the number of the Police. 

Jemima's, Sarah's, and Mary Anne's. Build a lot more barracks, 
and double the force of Guards in London. 

Metropolitan Asylum Hoard's. Open a Small -Pox Hospital 

Everybody's. Open a Small-Pox Hospital anywhere else. 

The Upper Ten's. Increase the area of Hyde Park Corner, 
make a new road from Piccadilly, through St. James's Park, to 
Westminster, and beautify the Thames Embankment. 

The Lower Millions'. Keep all the open spaces witKin a holiday- 
trip distance of London, and make those we have in London avail- 
able. See our streets payed and scavenged. Make it penal to build 
houses without foundations, ventilation, water-tight walls, and 
means of cleanliness and decency. Find us better places of amuse- 
ment than the penny-gaff and the public-house, and better dwellings 
than the back slums. Double the Board Schools and halve the 


You, by the Prophet's beard who 'swear, 

The Porte and Vatican compare ! 

MAHOMET'S heir to the Successor 

Of PETEH, Pontiff and Confessor ? 

You imitate the Papal way 

Of saying Powers and Princes nay ? 

With you, at least, when you refuse 

To treat, such roundness they might use, 

As some would e'en presume to give 

His Holiness's negative. 

To you, when likewise you deny 

The claims of reason, and reply 

" Non possumus " to their request, 

Their words should be " Necesse est." 

t 3, 1877.] 




Old General (to himself). " EQAD ! I MUST BE LOOKING UNCOMMONLY YOUNG 

TO BE TAKEN FOR A CAPTAIN ! " [flings the Jloy a Shilling, 


the Pcarork Jdium itt I': >, 

Master. lli'oiiLKs, where has your Mistress put her 
Mamma P 

It'iiiyles. In the Stormy Petrol lloom, Sir. 

. And the young Ladies ? 

Hiujtjltx. Miss LOUISA and Miss ALICE arc in the Bird 
of Paradise Kooin, Sir. 

M"*t<-r. And M \STKR GEOHGE ? 

Mftgfiei. MA.M'KK GKOU<;K is cleaning his (run in the 
uoom, and MASTER HAKKY is studying in the Owl 

Jliistir. Good. Then wo shall not he interrupted. 
Have you got the list from your Mistress of the oilier 
Visitors we expect ? 

Haggles. Yes, Sir. There 's LORD and LADY TOMNODDY. 

Muster. All! heavy upper-crust swells. Put them in 
the Golden Kagle lioom. 

,4 Jlttggles. Yes, Sir. And where is MAJOH SCABT to go P 
" Master. Let me see famous traveller, and excellent 
appetite. Yes. You may put him in the Swallow lioom. 

Haggles. And Mu. ana MBS. WHITE P 

Master. LT'm ! the people who give the good dinners. 
The Cormorant Itoom. 

Itiujijlus. ( 'ertainly, Sir. And MB. TOODLES ? 

Master. The Dramatic Author. Oh, in the Goose lioom. 
Help to remind him of his first nights. 

Hugglet. That 's all, Sir Oh, no, I forgot MR. and 

Master. You may give them the Common Barn-Door 
Fowl lioom. Quite good enough for such a Darby and 
Joan. Come along, while 1 write the tickets for the 
room-doors. [Exeunt. 

" Quern JOCUB circumvolat et Cupido." 
(To a famous and ancient Home of Supper and Sony.) 

An, vocal nest of singing-hoys, 
Around thee floats a glamour. 
Thou once wcrt EVANS'S late JOT'S, 
And now art kept by AMOK I 

From Joy to Love, how sweet to fly, 
With PADDY GEEEN'S ghost smiling by ! 
Still with his courteous snuff-box seen, 
A ghost in ever-greenest Green ! 


SCENE Interior of the Dolgmabatche Palace, Constantinople. 
TIME Morning. SULTAN ABDTJL-HAMID seated on a Sofa, hit 
face bound up. 

Sultan. Sheitan take this tooth ! Yet for one thing Allah be 
praised I MIDHAT has departed. Show in EDHEM PASHA. 
EiiU'r EIIIIKM PASHA, who salaams. 

Sultan. The traitor, MIDHAT, may think himself lucky to have 
been spared the sack ! What canst thou for us do, new Grand 
Vizier ? 

Edhem. On my eyes be it, Commander of the Faithful ! But 
EDHEM has rheumatic pains, which scarcely fit him to work a new 

Sultan. I accept thy resignation. Send to me MADMOUD PASHA, my 
new Grand Vizier. 

Edhem. Let me tell my Lord that MAIISIOUD knows no tongue 
but that of the Osmanli. 

Sultan. Allah be thanked ! Then can he not conspire with the 
Franks, llusski, Prusski, or Engliski. My curses on the triple- 
tongued I Go I [EDHEM rettret. 

Enter MAHMOUD DAMAD PASHA, who salaams. 

Sultan. MIDHAT is of the Past, and EDHEM, who succeeded him, 
is no more of the Present. I have selected thee, MAHMOUD DAMAD, 
to execute my wishes, and to tell me what they are. 

Mahmoud(who has a twitch in his left eye). Commander of the 
Faithful, your devoted slave is Turk to the backbone. [ Twitches. 

Sultan. Don't wink ! 

Mahmoud. Know, Light of the Faithful, my eye has twitched 
from my birth up. 

Sultan. I can't have a Grand Vizier who winks. If these Giaours 
came conferring here again, your wink might be mistaken for a 
sign [of . intelligence by that pig IGNATIEFF or that sour SALISBURY 
PASHA. Go ! 

Mahmoud. Let not the Commander of the Faithful 

Sultan. Go I I say. And send BLAGUE PASHA hither. He at 

least doth not wink ; or if he doth, he means it. [Exit MAHMOUD. 

Sultan. May Eblis be the end of this tooth of mine ! (Enter 

BLAGUE PASHA.) Ha ! my new Vizier ! I know no slave so trusty 

as thou art. Toll me what to do with this accursed Constitution. 

Blague Pasha. Padishah, I will. (Takes out an English pencil- 
case and memorandum-book.) If your Highness will give me one 

minute's attention 

Sultan. Attention from me ! What is that instrument ? A 
Feringhee pencil-case I There I Take thy dismissal ! Send me 
VBFITK PASHA at once 1 

Blague Pasha. Commander of the Faithful 

Sultan. Be thou commanded ! Send me another Vizier, I say ! 

[Exit BLAGUE PASHA. Viziers appear and disappear, at inter- 
vals of five minutes, through the clay. Ecentually, there 
are no mure Viziers to call up, and the SULTAN it forced to 
recall MIDHAT PASHA, who, if he is wise, will stay where he 
is, and do nothing. 

A Voice from Wild Wales. 


IK reference to a funny picture which appeared in your number a 
fortnight ago, allow me to state, for your own private information and edifica- 
tion, that nine Welshmen out of ten have never seen a leek, much lest eaten 
one. With the profoundest respect for your erudition in nil matters which do 
not concern Wales and Welshmen, I remain, dear Mr. Punch, 

Your, very sincerely, CYMBICUS. 

MR. PUNCH sits corrected, and eats his leek. He had always 
associated the leek with Wales as religiously as the thistle with 
Scotland. " CYMRICUS" should pick a quarrel with Fluellen. Is 
not the leek worn on St. David's Day ? and if so, why ? 








MARCH 3, 1877.] 






EHHAPS " PEPYS' Essence" would be fairer. 

Punch has been strongly urged by many of his correspondents to let the worthy old Clerk of the 
Acts continue to report for him for a while longer, and is well-disposed to do so. But see, MB. 
EDLIN, the effects of your late encouragement of Spiritualism by that unfortunate judgment of 
yours upsetting the Slade conviction, which we are glad to see not less energetically repudiated 
by an overwhelming majority of your brother Magistrates of the Middlesex Bench why did they 
allow you to misrepresent them P than by the Higher Court, which has granted a mandamus 
for a hearing of the Slade case on the merits. 

Since he admitted SAM PEPYS' 'Ghost to a hearing, Punch's sanctum has been the nightly resort of spirits, nnbottled. Pity that 
MESSRS. DAY & Co., the agents of the Customs Bill of Entry Office, and those who invented the patent capsule that secures pure Cognac 
against tampering with by retailing media, have not as yet been able to extend their operations from distilled spirits to disembodied ones ! 
A whole tram of ghosts, who in the flesh frequented the Houses of Parliament, and reported the debates, even while it was against law 
to convey Essence of Parliament beyond the doors of St. Stephen's the ghost of ANDREW MARVELL, of SWIFT, of ADDISON, of DICK 
STBELE, of DOCTOR JOHNSON, nay, of BOZZY himself, and the gentle GOLDSMITH have been bombarding Punch for leave to share the 
labours of SAMUEL PEPYS, his ghost, and to be allowed to aid in expressing the essence of the Collective Wisdom for Mr. Punch. We 
have in fact a ghostly reporter's staff ready to our hand, and may, as we see occasion, use it. Meanwhile we allow dear old SAMUEL 
PEPYS his fairly-earned precedence. He reports : 

Monday, February 19. My Lords up betimes, there being nothing for their Lordships to do but to adjourn, which they did, 
mighty merry. 

(Commons). MB. GLADSTONE was fain to know who were " the important personages" that SIB H. ELLIOT did write of as wishing to 
drive the Turk out of Europe, to whom SIR STAFFOBD XORTHCOTE did make answer he was sorry he could not be in SIB H. ELLIOT'S mind 
methought he is better in his own but did think that Iperchance SIR HENBY did include MB. GLADSTONE himself among the said 
" important personages," wherein, indeed, SIB HENRY would but have been blundering with some that should have known better. 

But methinks this.ripping up of old sores, and old dispatches, is poor work, and so the House and the country do seem to hold it, and 
I do see there will be no more of lit, which I am glad of, the House having other and more pressing business in hand, and, indeed, your 
Englishman loves not crying over spilt milk. 

So MR. HARDY to his Universities Bill, and did show how he had strengthened the Oxford Commission, and shortened its duration, 
whereof general approval. Only MB. LOWE, that I had longed mightily to hear, he being a man of marvellous quick wit, and a biting tongue, 
though he hath somewhat too much affected the sharpening of it on such as he deems fools, and chiefly the sort of fellows who must 
needs come a-pestering our Offices on Deputations a thing we knew not in my time, and therein were the more -favoured, but yet, if we 
had had Deputations to Our Office, e'en at our hardest lack for money and captains and good guidance, I warrant me we would have found a 
LOWE of our own to answer them did speak mighty sharp, but not so wisely methought, against the Bill, as one for giving over the 
Universities to be inquired of and regulated by Commissioners, which he would have had done rather by Parliament as wishing, methinks, 
his own finger in the pie. But on the whole the Bill approved, and methinks will pass. 

And ono HOPE, a facetious Dutchman, mighty pleasant on the change of parts betwixt the Conservative Government that hath 
turned Reformer, and the Reformers that be turned Conservatives. But In and out, makes change about," as the old saw hath it ; 
and for my part, so the Universities be made more profitable for sound; learning and religious education, it seems small matter who 
shall make them. And I did bethink me much of Magdalen College, Cambridge, in my time, and how much liquor we did suck in there, 


[MARCH 3, 1877. 

and how little learning, and how I and one HIND, my chamber-fellow, 
were solemnly admonished in ME. HILL'S chamber by DR. JOHN 
WOOD, and MR. HILL, in presence of the assembled fellows, for 
having been scandalously overserved with drink, as may be read in 
the College Register Book to this day. 

But I thank my stars I did leave Cambridge and married my 
wife early, poor, pretty wretch, and did well, thanks to my Lord and 
Our Office. So I home, and thinking of the many strange changes 
of the times only Our Office less changed than most things. 

Tuesday. In the Lords a mighty press of strangers, and many 
of the Commons House crowding in at the bar, even to sitting on 
the floor, to hear his Grace my LORD DUKE OF ARGYLL fire off his 
big gun on the Eastern matter, which they do indeed well name the 
Eastern Question, for methinks, here at least, 'tis all question and 
no answer, and did call attention to the instructions given to my 
LORD MARQUIS OF SALISBURY, wherein were two great ends set forth, 
the better governing of the Turk, and the securing the peace of 
Europe, of which ends by the Duke s showing as yet was not even a 
beginning. And so to his indictment, and spoke mighty well and fiery 
for an hour and a half, and well listened to ; but when all was done 
methought there was nothing to answer, his gun being, as it were, 
shotted with blank cartridge ; as in truth my Lords DERBY and SALIS- 
BURY and BEACONSFEELD were quick to see and to say, and took as much 
time in the saying of their nothing as my LORD DUKE in the saying of 
his, which was pretty to note, and indeed the speakers in the Parlia- 
ments of this time do show much more art and grace in the saying 
of nothing than they did in my time, only my LORD DERBY did ihint 
at the reforms promised by the Turk, and how it was but reasonable 
to give them time to try to do better, and, Lord, to see how drowning 
men will catch at straws when they have nought better to catch 'at, 
for the House did cheer this mightily. 

And methought of all I best liked, my Lord MARQUIS OF SALIS- 
BURY when he showed how in Turkey you had nothing to hold to but 
the SULTAN, that was afraid to reform matters, and the old Turks, 
that were too pig-headed to understand why any reform was wanted, 
which methought did go far to dispose of my LORD DERBY'S hope : 
and for my part I see nothing for it but the strong hand of the Mus- 
covite, that, at least, knoweth his own mind, and putteth his trust 
in his "Bog," as he calls his god, andkeepeth his powder dry, as the 
Old Protector was wont to do, and had ho been here methinks 
England had known her own mind too, better than she doth, or at 
least they that speak for her. 

And so I home, with little contentment, save of the brave speaking 
about nothing ; for there was nothing in the Commons House but talk 
of a Small-pox Hospital, built in a scurvy and foul neighbourhood 
Limehouse way, where yet I do remember worshipful folk living in 
my time. But indeed most things do move westward now-a-days 
strangely, save only the Turk, who will ^not, and as yet I do see 
small will to force him, if the Muscovite do not. 

Wednesday. A good Bill of one COWPEE TEMPLE, for the cutting 
down of Officers and Fees in the Ecclesiastical Courts, not, methinks, 
before 'tis needed, for, indeed, I do remember these Courts and fees 
much cried out upon in my time, when they first grew up again after 
the Old Protector's lusty lopping that I did think then they never 
would grow again, and lo they are even now as thriving and thievish, 
it seems, as ever. But, at last, it doth seem as if all were come to 
be ashamed of them, and MR. CROSS did move the referring of the 
Bill to a Select Committee, not, as Select Committees are often used, 
for the shelving of the same but for the making it work to better 
purpose. And in such matters all do agree CROSS doth well and 
to good purpose. Which pleases me. 

Then a Bill for the enabling of Scotch tenants to deal with game 
that vexeth them, as hares and rabbits and doth sore consume 
their crops, and no wonder they seek to have leave to shoot them, 
and methinks will get it, sooner than the same sort in England, your 
Scotch being apter to put their heads together, and their heads being 
harder, and sending to Parliament men who will work their will 
and seeing the wickedness that comes of poaching whereof in my 
time we heard little or nothing in these hard and crowding times, 
it did seem to me strange to learn that the Game Laws in this 
country had grown rather stricter than softer, and methinks should 
not be so, if all did their part. 

Thursday. In the Lords, my LOED BEACONSFrELD, mighty solemn 
after his wont, explaining of things loosely said by him on Tuesday, 
and strange to see how, while seeming to admit his looseness of 
speech, he did yet seem to make it out that his loose-speaking was 
more to the purpose than other men's closeness. But it appears 
that we have been to blame in taking away our consuls from Turkey, 
who might have kept our Ambassador informed, and so done 
something, if not much, to keep the Turk to better behaviour ; and, 
indeed, without consuls to serve an ambassador as eyes, how is he to 
see what passes in a wide and waste country like Turkey, with no 
roads, and no journals or news- writers P 

I sore grieved to hear that the Cattle Plague had got in amongst 
us once more ; and now the steed is stolen, mighty active they all 

are in shutting of the stable-door. To-morrow had been fixed for the 
adjourned talking about the Eastern Question, but the Commons did 
very wisely, as I thought, resolve, to-night, they would have no more 
of such idle talking, that serves to no purpose, only to breed bickering. 
And I do hope we shall have no more light young fellows girding at 
MR. (GLADSTONE, for methinks young MASTKR CHAPLIN did look 
mighty foolish to-night, and all thinking of the tongue-basting he 
had last week, and had but his deserts, if ever saucy young 

I glad to hear that in the carrying out of the great new street 
about to be made from Tottenham Court Road (that was indeed a 
wide road in my time) to the corner of Charing Cross, the portico of 
St. Martin's Church be not to be touched, as the Metropolitan Board 
were minded. And indeed though it was built since my time, I do 
think it a mighty pretty portico, and one SIR CHRISTOPHER would 
have admired, and methinks pity to.lose it in this town, where so 
few things pretty. 


" To offer a present of thia sort is to illustrate the romance of riches .... 
To distribute wealth in a poetical way a man must have a born genius for the 
occupation, and it is as difficult ,to suggest any work of what ARISTOTLE 
might have called Jthe 'art of expenditure,' as it is impossible to withhold 
admiration where a great stroke is done. 1 The gift of Cleopatra's needle is 
such a stroke,and deserves aesthetic approval as well as gratitude." The 
Saturday Review on Hit. EKASMUS WILSON'S proposal \to' f remove the Alex- 
andria Obelisk lo England. 

B. PUNCH was in his sanctum 
reading his Saturday Review. 
A dreamy feeling came over the 
Sage, Toby fidgetted, the lamp burned dim, and looking up, Mr. 
Punch beheld a Presence ! So "the dull cold-blooded C^ESAE "in 
GEEOME'S picture, lifting his gaze from desk and scroll, meets with 
amaze the " bold black eyes," which had witched world-conquerors 
of softer mould than he, and helped so considerably to rid him of 
a formidable rival. Mr. Punch is neither dull nor cold-blooded, and 
he always bows in courtesy to Beauty ! He did so now. 

" Must I introduce myself in form ? " murmured that miraculous 
voice musically. 

"Beauty," responded the Sage, "needs no other introduction 
than itself ; and as for farm," Mr. Punch's admiring regard 
completed the sentence. 

"You know me then?" queried his -visitor, with a glow, which 
on cheeks less brown and bold, would have been a blush. 

" And acquit MARK ANTONY of madness," responded Mr. Punch, 
with subtle courtesy. 

"Since TENNYSON met me in that mysterious wood, I have not 
shown myself to mortal," continued CLEOPATRA. But I do admire 
Men. and have long had a desire to look on you." 

I will never henceforth be hard on feminine curiosity, said 

MAncn 3, 1877.] 




Mr. Punch. "It has served me too well in the present instance. 
Mrs. Punch, is at home. May I have " 

"My curiosity does not extend to her," quoth the E 
Enchantress, drily. " Besides, I have business with you." 

" My pages," said Mr. Punch, apprehensively, are well sup- 
plied; but any contribution from your Majesty would " 

' Find its way thither" interrupted his guest, good-naturedly, 
pointing to Mr. Punch's capacious, but yet overflowing, waste-paper 
basket. " Its proper destination, doubtless. No ; such women as 
I care no more for the pen than for the needle. Leave the one 
to the Lydias, the other to the Dorcases ; wo work with other 
u.Mpons. And that is why lobject to that obelisk, which I hear 
you are about to have transferred hither, being called by so in- 
appropriate a name. ' Cleopatra's Needle,' indeed!; Fancy myfame 
being associated with the housewife's humble implement! " 

"A Cockneyism, doubtless," replied the Sage. "But nicknames 
are the Nemesis of greatness ; and slang, like a sapper, respects 
nothing and nobody." 

' Precisely," replied the Serpent of Old Nile. " Yet I look to you 
to discountenance, as much as may be, the Cockneyising of this 
relic of my rule. Why it should bo removed from the vicinity of 
Guaar's temple " 

"As in your Majesty's time it was removed from the temple of 
the god Turn," interpolated Mr. Punch, politely. 

" Ah, yes ! " sighed the Queen, sadly. " Who can contend with 
Time and Change P From Heliopolis to the Thames Embankment 
a f a r cry. Turn was the god of the Setting Sun, and the sun of 
Old fcgypt has Ion;? since set. What destiny JOUBEBT, GOSCHEN, 
& Co. and the. Engineers will make for New Egypt who shall say? 

' At least it is not likely to have another CLEOPATRA," said Mr. 

"The prudes" and the political economists would say, 'So much 
the better ! ' Eh ? " queried the Queen. 

" Well-they might," admitted Mr. Punch. 

" my life 

In Egypt ! the dalliance and the wit, 
The (lattery and the strife ! " 

murmured CLEOPATRA, as if to herself. 

" Well," said the Sage, reflectively, " GORDON PASHA is not 
exactly a ' mailed Bacchus.' perhaps, and Egyptian Bonds are now 
suggestive of something other than the imprisoning arms of CLEO- 
PATRA, though to many a modern ANTONY they may have proved 
almost as fatal." 

' ' Contented there to die.' ''quoted the Queen, for sole response to 
this subtle insinuation. " Well, well, times change, ERASMUS 
WILSON doubtless means well, and even the unromantic Saturday 
Review seems to see poetry in his project. I confess I do not. Bu' 
at any rate, dear Mr. Punch" the Sage bowed and blushed " let us 
hope that all the poetry will not evaporate in the process of carrying 
it out. You islanders are so Bccotian, and so blundering, in monu- 
mental matters especially." The Sage blushed again, but from quite 
another emotion. " Don't let Cockney Edilism wholly vulgarise my 
obelisk, and pray reserve your ' sesthetio approval ' until it is provec 
to be deserved, lest CLEOPATRA'S curse be as potent as Minerva's, one 

" ' With ERATOSTRATUS and ELGIN shine, 
In many a branding page, and burning line.' " 

" Well, the cases are perhaps somewhat different," quoth Mr. 
Punch, but your Majesty may trust me to keep my eyes on the 
Monolith if ever J have the good fortune to set them there, and ii 
I see any signs of a good gift being badly disposed of, be sure Mr. 
Punch will play the part of BTRON'S minatory Pallas, and proba- 
bly with more practical effect than even angered divinity produced." 
Ah, ten thousand thanks ! " ejaculated the Queen, in a gush of 
maddening melody, and making play with her " piercing orbs," in a 
ishion which so startled that most prudent of preux chevaliers, Mr. 
rimch, that he awoke, and found the fire out, and Judy in elegant 
deshabille, standing before him, evidently 'primed with an eloquent 

The Ministerial Fix. 
THE crux, when Turk and Tartar quarrel, 

And Turk seeks succour ministerial, 
Is that material aid 's immoral, 

And moral aid is immaterial. 

A Questionable Title. 

WITEN we read in the Athenaum that it was the Poet Laureate 

who gave MR. KNOWLES the title of his new periodical, The Nine- 

th, Century to which Punch wishes all success one can't help 

remembering how the Poet Laureate has characterised that century, 

in Maud, as the 

" Wretchedest age since the world began." 


(A Suggestion to the Worthy and Liberal DR. FRASER.) 

WE have lately seen a real 
live Bishop on the 
Stage, tpeaking to the 
best purpose, and most in the 
spirit of the character, as 
mouth-piece of good sense, 
Bound morals, and Christian 
charity. Among various other 
objections to the Ballet but 
too well-founded, the Lawn- 
Lord of Manchester animad- 
verted on the brevity of the 
Ballet Girls' skirts, ''which," 
had he wanted an illustration, 
he might have said, "were no 
longer than a Bishop's apron." 
If the word of a Bishop goes 
far, how far would 
a Bishop's act go ? 
As one Bishop 
has ventured on 
the Stage, why 
shouldn't a dozen, 
why shouldn't the 
entire hierarchi- 
cal strength of 
the Establishment 
step out and give us a Ballet of Bishops, with their aprons properly 
licensed by the LORD CHAMBERLAIN If There 's a novelty for any en- 
terprising Manager ! The Alhambra Company might go in for it, or 
MR. JOHN HOLLINOSIIEAD might find an opening for them. The scene 
would be simple,representing the exterior of an old Cathedral and the 
entrances to the cloisters, something like what one knows in Roberto 
or Favorita. A bench on which Bishops are discovered, seated. In 
the centre a view of some lawn, with Bishops playing at bowls, 
described in the programme as " a bowl of Bishop." Some are 
playing lawn-tennis. To them enter archly an Archbishop, playing 
a pastoral on his pipe, and followed by a crowd of Colonial Bishops 
dancing gaily. The Colonial Bishops woo the other Bishops, who are 
seated coyly on the Bench. To these enter Kuril Deans, with ribands, 
pipe and tabor : they start on seeing their rivals the Colonials. 

The Home-brewed Bishops rise from the Bench, and implore the 
opposing parties to keep the peace. 

The Rural Deans defy their rivals, and, after several futile 
charges on the part of the Colonial Bishops, the latter are defeated, 
and, flying in confusion, trip up on the peal of an organ which has 
been carelessly left about, and leap from various heights of imagina- 
tion into the See of Canterbury, when the scene changes, discovering 
a Perpetual Curate seated in a car drawn by Prebendaries, while 
Precentors, as outriders, and young Vergers, crowned and playing 
on timbrels, are passing under a Triumphal Arch-deacon. 

There might be a Collection for some charitable object at the doors 
of the theatre, and on the play-bill might be printed a copy of what 
a Bishop would have said, had there been a sermon. " The whole 
to conclude " with a Grand Archidiaconal Function ; and (for this 
occasion only) a 



" YOUTH will be served." A sporting maxim sage, 

Sweeter to adolescence than to age. 

Yet CHAPLIN must have known of many a case 

Where aged clippers, famous once for pace, 

On their own ground whipped weedy youngsters hollow, 

Leading where Screws who challenged dared not follow. 

If Youth could, as Youth fain would, be severe, 

Old age, indeed, might have fair cause to fear ; 

But Youth that 's raw as rash, unsinewed, slow, 

May find with Age the pace it cannot go. 

The gods love generous Greenness, but scarce smile 

On impotence because 'tis puerile ; 

Or cheek because 'tis callow. Fine, in truth, 

To hear glib HAMILTON, in verdant youth, 

Gird at ripe Age, that 's game to give it weight, 

And a bad beating. Tipsters, too elate 

When Youth and Age contend, before yon wage, 

'Twere well to know what Youth, and whose the Age ! 

" Youth will be served ! " Why. yes, when Youth is stout : 

But feeble Youth may chance to be served out ! 


3, 1877. 




Saccharissa (whose real iiame is ' ' Sarah " doubtftdhj). " YE z E s 1 " 



!' I have practised and learned at my great charge and dispense to ordain 
this said book in print after the manner and form as ye may see, and is not 
written with pen and ink as other books be, to the end that every man may 
have them at once ; for all the books of this story here emprynted, as ye see, 
were begun in one day and also finished in one day." CAXTON'S Preface to 
hit first printed work, the " Tales of Troy." 

"I have always regarded the connection of CAXTOX with Westminster 
Abbey as a kind of type and emblem of the relation which ought to stand, as 
many times it has stood, between the Church and the general diffusion of 
light and knowledge throughout the world." The DEAN OF WESTMINSTER, 
on the proposed Caxton Celebration, at the Jeruialem Chamber, on Feb. 17, 

FOUR hundred years ! Slow Cycles of Cathay 
Might compass less of wondrous growth and change, 
Than those four centuries, since that fateful day 
When COLAKD MANSION'S pupil brought away 
From ancient Bruges his book-work new and fctrange. 

Father of English Printing ! 'Tis a name 
To front the Ages with, and ask their meed. 
What fitter title to enduring fame, 
Midst the uncounted myriads he may claim, 
As gathering fruit of which he sowed the seed ? 

The sturdy Kentish man, whose solid sense 
Shaped us the tool which built us half our glory, 
Better deserves our age's recompense 

Of praise and anniversary eloquence, 
Than half the heroes who yet live in story. 


Record of stone and bronze in Metz may share, 

Our English CAXTON, in the native land 

Whose tongue he loved, and helped to shape, should stand 

In monumental image sculptured fair. 

The Mercer's son, who reared his "red pole " sign 

In Margaret's Almonry so long ago, 

Who praised, and printed, CHAUCER'S spring-tide lino, 

Finds fitting spokesman in the brave divine 

Who knows those precincts as few else may know. 

" On, STANLEY." on ! The task is one that fits 
Thy liberal soul. To him you 'd celebrate, 
Poets and Politicians, Saints and Cits. 
Philosophers and Princes, Traders, Wits, 
Alike arc debtors for their power and state. 

Churchmen there may be whom brave CAXTON'S press, 
In its late products, fills with fretful fright. 
But Westminster's wise Dean may do no less 
Than wish, with Punch, the Printer's Art success : 
Endorsing Strasburg's text, " Let there be light." ' 

* The inscription on the statue of the first printer at Strasburg. 

want to pay dearly for your whistle, send for the Whistler ! 





w 3 
> ft 



I Q 




e ,<*> 








MARCH 3, 1877.] 





EE, I hold out 
the hand of 
across the 
terrible sea. 
The "perfect 
ridrre " of 
France soli- 
cits''^ sport- 
mans " of 
Paris greets 
London. The 
Sport of the 
British Is- 
lands is ac- 
by le sport of 
the great 
French na- 
tion. This 
will be histo- 

You will 
ask why do 
I, a perfect 
Parisian, a 
flaneur, a 
of cafes, a 
reader of 
j ournals 
why do I 

write to yonP Is it because I love London with its " Leicester 
Sqnarr," its " Vauxhall-bridge Road," its " Newe Cut " (you see, I 
know my London to the bottom) ; is it because I love London? No, 
a thousand times, no. Is it because I love you English, " with your 
"roast-beefs," your "plum-puddings," your Sundays," your 
London-fogge ? No. The sun cannot love the mud. Sel esprit can- 
not from the heart embrace barbarism. Then it' I do not love either 
you or your country, why do I write ? Because there is one bond 
of union between us le sport. 

Yes, Punch, my good friend, it is because we both love to follow 
the artful rabbit with knives of the chase, both love to shoot the fox, 
both love to watch the artful partridge in his stand, that we frater- 
nise. It is this grand passion, absorbing, absolute, irrepressible, 
that binds us one to the other. In its presence, we have ceased to be 
two Europeans, a Frenchman and an Englishman, a leader of art, 
thought, and culture, and a shopkeeper, and we have become "perfect 
gentlemans-ridres. Le sport has given us relations of liberty, fra- 
ternity, and strongest of |all equality. As the Americans would 
say, " we stand on the same platform." 

It is because this Brotherhood of le sport is threatened, that 
I now write to you. Your Jockey Club would put restraints 
on the horses of I ranee running in your Epsom-Derbe. Why? 
Because, they say it is not just to call a five-year-old a three-year- 
old. How ! It seems that the honour of the greatest nation in the 
world is questioned. Were it not that Alsace and Lorraine are 
thirsting to be liberated, were it not that the Rhine has yet to be 
rescued, were it not that we are patiently waiting to be avenged by 
our grandchildren, this insult should be washed out in blood I But 
no, for a time we bear all. And thus we will send our matured 
three-year-olds to your race-courses until you stop us. Let it be 
clearly understood a Frenchman's word is doubted when he is told 
that his horse that has won this three-year-old stake counts 
five years. To doubt a man's word is to insult him. And yet the 
Frenchman, in spite of insults, doubts and equivoques, will still 
retain the nomenclature of the race-horse, will still win with what 
you call five-year-old horses what you call three-year-old races. 
Why ? Because France is the greatest nation in the world, because 
everything must bo sacrificed for France ! The grand thought that 
lies at the bottom of our triumphs of le sport can only be appreciated 
by a leader of civilisation, by a philosopher, by a poet in one word, 
by a Frenchman ! 

With this idea in my mind, Punch, then I make my proposal to 
you. Instead of refusing to allow Frenchmen to win your horse- 
races by certificates, which you dare to question, open to them a 
new field of honour on the Tide as well as on the Turf. Your 

Cambrig-Boating-llace will be rowed at Pntne. Why should not 
France be represented '( You ask for tho conditions. They are 
soon suggested. Here they are : 

1. A Prize of 200,000,000 francs to be given to the winning 

2. Tho money for this purpose to be found entirely by England. 

3. The English crews to consist (as heretofore) of eight men per 

4. The French crew to consist of sixteen men per boat. 

5. The English crews to row in ordinary outriggers. 

6. The French crew to row in a steam-launch, propelled by the 
most powerful engines. 

7. The French crew to have ten minutes' start. 

8. The umpire, and all the other official* in the race, to be 

There, Punch, my excellent comrade, agree to these terms, and 
yon will find fair France as triumphant on tho Hivcr, as she is 
alrcadjr victorious on the Race Course. 

Receive my considerations, the most distinguished. 


Le Cercle de Canotiers et Carottiers, Paris. 





8. PL-MS-LL M.P. 


I HAVE no idea of writing a Novel. I don't know how to do it ; 
and fear I could not succeed in telling a story if I tried : the idea, 
therefore, is very formidable to me.* 

I will suppose myself to be narrating facts to an individual, and 
to be saying all 1 could think aft to induce him to lend his utmost 
aid in remedying the great evil which we all deplore ; and I will 
write, to far at I can,+ just as I would speak to you, Sir (the Editor, 
for example, or the gentle Reader^), if yon were now sitting by my 
side. || If you, or he, were so sitting, while he was sitting I would 
layll sundry papers before him, or you, Sir, in confirmation of my 
opinions and statements, so that you or he might know for himself 
how absolutely true they are. 

Herewith I send you photographs of maps, ships, charts, tables 
of wrecks, models of vessels, working models of shipwrecks, plans 
of the coasts, statistical tables, and photographs of entries in 
LLOYD'S books. You have only got to refer to these from time to 
time, and hand them over to the Artist who may undertake to 
illustrate my Novel.** 

Now, Sir, I sound the last bell, and all for shore must leave the 
vessel, as one must draw the load-line somewhere. Those who 
remain will be careful not to speak to the man who has at his heart 
the common weal of our Seamen, while all his hands are engaged on 
the present thrilling work. Heave ahead, my brave boys 1 Now 
we sail with the gale to the Bay of Biscay, oh I and we meet after 
the'voyage. Steam up, and away ! g > p t . M3 . LL M.P. 

CHAPTER I. The Right of Challenging the Stevedore. 

THOSE who are acquainted with the maritime town of the ancient 
Cinque-port of Newport-Pagnell, will not need me to remind them 
of its coasts white with gulls, its sands crowded with tourists, its 
gay quay thronged with sailors of all nations, with mariners from 
the four quarters of the Old World and from various parts of the 
New ; its host of Jew-pedlars, with their wares, decoying maidens 

* The esteemed Member for Derby said much the same at the commence- 
ment of a pamphlet. But the pamphlet was a very powerful one nevertheless. 
A good augury for the Novel. ED. 

t This clearly includes Fiction founded on Fact. Another good augury 
for the Novel. ED. 

J Good enough. We '11 edit it. This dependence on our editorial judg- 
ment augurs extremely well for the Novel. ED. 

$ Yes, we have a Reader, of course. He is tolerably patient, but not 
gentle. This intention on the part of Author augurs well for Novel. ED. 

|| MB. PL-MS-LL seems to be thinking of the old Ethiopian song of Lucy 
Neale " Were you sitting by my side, 

How happy I should feel." 
Poetic quotation augurs well for Novel. ED. 

It For one to "sit" and another to "lay" is a confusion of metaphor. 
Probably unintentional. Augurs well for Novel. ED. 

* Wo have done o. We sent them all off in a cart this morning to the 
Artist's bouse. They arrived on his birthday, at breakfast time, and he 
cheerfully paid the carriage. We have not heard from him since. ED. 



[MARCH 3, 1877. 

to "Buy, buy, buy I" while bewitching, bright-eyed girls are 
enticing their admirers, fresh from sea, with pockets full of gold, to 
bestow on them the shining trinkets and gorgeous gewgaws brought 
by the travelling hucksters from the stalls of the Lowther Arcade. 

Bands of music were playing at intervals on the jetty ; excursion 
steamers were departing and arriving ; church bells were ringing 
for sailors' marriages ; church bells were tolling for sailors' funerals ; 
flags were flying in honour of the Port- Admiral's birthday ; and the 
guns of the harbour were firing salutes to celebrate the coming of 
age of the youngest Brother of the Elder Brethren. 

Gay and animated was the scene, as the good merchant ship, the 
Albert Ross (owners GROGBLOSSOM & Co., East Sheen), lay alongside 
in the basin, taking in its cargo for Nova Dizzembla and the Pharo 
Islands on the Coast of Egypt. 

The pier was absolutely hidden from sight, partly by the enor- 
mous sacks of wheat, each marked with the words " Corney Grain," 
in bold relief, and partly by huge cases containing German reeds. 

A number of men, under the command of a Captain, who was 
only seventeen years old,* were rapidly cutting the vessel above- 

named in two, so as to lengthen her fore and aft, and thus enable 
her to carry more grain than she was ever intended to carry, and so 
enrich the coffers of her proprietors. It should be Coffers v. Coffins. 
By the evening the Albert Ross would be ready to carry that enor- 
mous freight that I have described as lying on the pier, but would 
she be seaworthy ? And if unseaworthy, was there a law or a lawyer 
in England to prevent her sailing out of Newport-Pagnell harbour ? 
As an inducement to men to volunteer for service on the Albert 
Ross, a large placard was affixed to the mast, on which was written 

NOTICE. THE FREE-BOAHD on this vessel includes double rations 
of grog at six bells, and the usual meals and berth accommodation 

(Signed) J GHOGBLOSSOM, Junior Warden. 
Chief Co- Owner i \ DON JOSE DI SALAMANCA. 

By Order of the Free Board. 

N.B. Peace and harmony insured on board, as No BOXING THE 
COMPASS is permitted on the SPAR-DECK. 

CAPTAIN BULKHEAD, although only seventeen, had seen some 
service, and was not to be trifled with. Determined that the Albert 

* A fact. I expect him to come to grief next mouth, as his name is down 
in iny list of delendl sunt Carthaginei. 

Ross should carry all the cargo brought down to that pier, he had 
ordered all hands to add fifty feet amidships, but positively refused 
to give the vessel the requisite number of knees. Of course, as every 
one knows, there should be a knee to each foot, and this was omitted, 
so that whatever result chance might ordain for the vessel, its going 
out of port must be but a very lame affair, after all. 

One man alone, as we shall see presently, knew of the all but 
certainly fatal consequences of this recklessness, and he kept it to 
himself. If ever there was a villain on this earth and its neigh- 
bourhood, it was this man, to whom the reader (with this prefatory 
apology for bringing him into such execrable company) will be 
presently introduced. 

It had been found utterly impossible to accommodate such a cargo 
cither in the Aula di San Giorgio (owners JONATHAN WYLDE & Co.), 
or on board the Danish trading vessel called The Saucy Polly 
Teknik, which had just discharged its freight of Pepper, and was 
now bound for the Dizolvon Vuzen Isles. 

Standing on the edge of the quay, the rude breeze freely passing 
through her locks without paying any toll, stood MAKT MAYHUD, 

the lovely daughter 
of the Junior War- 
den of the Sink 

Behind her stood 
her father, the Ju- 
nior Warden him- 
self, as thorough a 
specimen of the bluff 
wicked old sea-dog 
as ever spliced a 
maindeck or hauled 
a keel athwart- 
ships, on a dirty 
night in the Bay of 

He was looking 
earnestly through a 
telescope, which his 
daughter supported 
over her left shoul- 
der, while her right 
hand was placed in 
front of the glass, 
thus to a certain ex- 
tent obscuring the 

" I can't make 
out the rig of that 
vessel in the offing !" 
exclaimed the rough 
old Salt, as he closed 
one eye and shut the 
other, and then ap- 
plied both in turn 
to the small end of 
the telescope. 

" Perhaps he is on 
board ! " she mur- 
mured to herself. 

"He! Who?" 
asked the Junior 
Warden, rapping 
out an oath. 

" WILLIAM TAILLEITR," she replied, calmly. 
The Junior Warden threw down the telescope violently, then 
dashed his wig violently down on the stones. 
" Never! " he exclaimed, furiously ; " never! " 
"Papa," implored his daughter, "do not speak thus! Sec, you 
are attracting a crowd." 

But the old man was not to be pacified. He had a magnificent match 
for his daughter in his eye, and he would not hear of her marrying 
WILLIAM TAILLEUK, a mere eighteen-pence-an-hour boatman. 
A crowd was indeed approaching from the town, cheering lustily. 
A brass band walked in front, and several people carried flags. 
"See! " cried the Junior Warden, "your affianced husband, my Co- 
owner, the man of my choice, has already arrived. Belay ! he comes! " 
MARY shuddered, and the tears rose to her eyes as a dark and far 
from unhandsome man, whose eag^le nose and piercing black eyes, 
peering from under his well-defined brows, bespoke, even if his 
dress had not, the Spanish Don, advanced from among his enthusiastic 
followers* and gracefully knelt on one knee before her. 

A round black cap was set jauntily on the short-cropped dark hair, 
which, with short mutton-chop whiskers, formed an artistic set off 
to his sallow skin, purple lips, and shaven face. 

He wore a short, richly spangled and embroidered jacket, a scarf 
wound round him like a belt, knee-breeches highly ornamented with 

MARCH 3, 1877.) 







(fold, bright silk stockings, laco ruffles, and brilliant pumps with 
diamond buckles. His fingers were covered with precious rings ; 
his lithesome, graceful form bent before the English maiden, and 
his highly-arched nose seemed to curve itself downward, as though 
acknowledging her presence with a bow. 

Then went up an English hoorah from the open-mouthed and 
open-hearted populace of Newport-Pagnell as they cried 

" Long live DON JOSE DI NOSE, the Stevedore of Salamanca ! " 

It was indeed the celebrated Stevedore who had sought the hand 
of the fair MAKT MAYBITD, daughter of Old GUEUORY GROGBLOSSOM, 
the Junior Warden of the Sink Ports.* At this moment a splashing 
of oars attracted the attention of those on the quay ; a boat was 
rapidly approaching. It touched the quay. A gay young fellow, 
full of mirth and full of spree, leapt on shore, splashing the people 
in the boat with an oar, and roaring with laughter. 

' "Tishe!" exclaimed MARY MAYBUD, "my WILLIAM TAILLEUR!" 

The Stevedore arose from his knees, scowling. 

WILLIAM touched his hat gaily to the Junior Warden, who how- 
ever returned his salute with a severe look and a direct question. 

" Where have you been ? " 

" Taking a charter-party out for a row," was the ready answer. 
Then he continued, " You promised me the hand of MARY MAYBUD 
when I was earning my own livelihood. I am doing so now. I 
claim the fulfilment of your word." 

The Junior Warden turned almost purple with suppressed rage. 
" Never ! Never ! ! " he exclaimed, as ne turned on his heel. 

" 7/o y dds he gohon so ? " exclaimed the Stevedore, bitterly. 

WILLIAM approached the Spaniard, with his hand outstretched. 

MARY interposed, beseechingly. 

It was too late. WILLIAM TAILLEUR would be heard, and the 
crowd shouted for him, loudly, " BILLY ! BILLY ! " 

* If you plcnso, Sir, if GREGORY GROGBLOSSOM was MARY'S father, why 
was her name MAYIIUD ? ED. 

Dear Sir, this story is founded on Fact. Let that suffice. MAYBUD waa 
her mother's name, and her daughter resumed it, not caring to be called 
GROGBLOSSOM. Very simple. S. P. 

" Hold ! " cried WILLIAM TAILLEUR, in a loud and firm voice, which 
caused even the Junior Warden to turn and listen. " I claim an Eng- 
lishman's undoubted right in any sea-port of the British dominions." 

" What right do you claim ? " demanded the Warden. 

WILLIAM'S answer came back in a clear, ringing voice, 

" The Eight of challenging the Stevedore ! " 
(To be continued.) 

Ciirrespondenre between the EoiTOE and MR. S. Pt-MS-Lt, M.P., 
which mutt, injustice to both parlies, be placed before the Public. 

DEAR SIR, You select Newport-Pagnell as the scene of your story. You 
describe it (admirably, we admit) as a "maritime town. Surely, Sir 
though you ought, of course, to have a far more intimate acquaintance with 
such matters than wo can boast isn't Newport-Pagnell an inland town, and 
in Bedfordshire f We may be wrong, from not being well up in the coast 
towns or in the Cinque Ports j but if so, please put us right, and oblige yours 

DEAR SIR, I "ve not coasted for nothing, nor served my time before the mas' 
without being able to spin you a yarn to some purpose. Belay and avast, my 
hearty! as my friend, CAPTAIN BEDFORD Pm would say and does, occa- 
sionally, when not otherwise engaged in abstruse calculations who careg 
where or what Newport-Pagnell may be ? What is my line of business ? The 
maritime. What do my constituents credit me with knowing all about } 
Maritime matters generally. Where do my constituents live? At Derby. 
Is Derby a sea-port town ? Avast heaving ! not a bit of it. What do my 
Uerby-ites know about "larboard" or " sturboard," or "beam-end," or 
" long-shore," or " short-shore," beyond what I tell 'em ? If I say Newport- 
Pagnell 's a sea-port, sea-port it is. If / don't know what I 'm talking about, 
who does ? I shall give you what I profess to give you a Romance founded 
on fact. Work this out by all the points ot the compass, and you '11 find that 
Newport-Pagnell ain't to be beaten as a romantic sea-port founded on fact 
" Pagnell" is the romance, "New-port" is the fact. Can't waste any more 
time in correspondence, as I must heave a-head. retertotr .' S. P., M.P. 

[We are not prepared to deny the force of much that MR. S. P. puts forward, 
but we are still of opinion that even the inhabitant! of Derby ought to be 
informed that Newport-Pagnell is not a sea-port town de facto. ED.] 



3, 1877. 


(Reflection at the Westminster Aquarium.) 


WHAT shall be done to the driver found sleeping 
on his seat? This question came before the Ux- 
bridge Police Court one day last week, when 

" CHARLES CASTLE, 15, in the employ of Mil. TIMMS, 
hay-dealer, Iver-heath, Bucks, was sued for riding asleep 
while in charge of a horse and cart at Hillingdon Hill, at 
a quarter past two on the morning of the lOih inst. -4 
fortnight ago the defendant was summoned before the Slough 
Magistrates for a similar offence, and, as was mentioned in 
the ' Times,'' he pleaded that he had been on the road twenty- 
four hours. On the present occasion he stated that he went 
to London with a horse and cart three nights in the week. 
When stopped he was thoroughly exhausted." 

Whose fault was that ? The Uxbridge Magistrate 
seems to have been not quite sure. A little iincer- 
tainty on this point apparently influenced him in 
dealing with the culprit, CHARLES CASTLE. 

" The Magistrate fined him ten shillings five shillings 
less than usual at this court, and allowed him a week for 
payment, in the hope that, his master would give him the 

Tims lightly was let down not exactly an old 
offender, being a lad of fifteen, but one whose offence 
was a second conviction, following only a fortnight 
after the first, with six days out of the fourteen, 
however, spent on the road. The Magistrate's hope 
that in these circumstances CASTLE'S master would 
give him the money to pay a mitigated fine, may 
appear to imply an idea that he was not himself to 
blame for exhaustion from overwork, and consequent 
sleep. His master, now that he is' aware of the 
possibility of such a collapse, will of course take care 
that it does not occur again ; for if it do, the over- 
worked driver may not merely tumble in his sleep, 
and break his neck, but he may have the misfor- 
tune to run over and kill somebody else ; and then 
there may be not merely a fine of ten shillings, but 
the dickens to pay. 


PEEHAPS one source of the alarming increase of the 
Cattle Plague, particularly among the older beasts, 
may be traced to the Music Publishers. When 
such a lot of tunes appear every week, is it any 
wonder that old cows should die off so rapidly ? 


BEWARE how you try the effect of strychnine, prussie acid, or any 
other poison, on a rabbit, or a guinea-pig. Have the fear of the 
Anti- Vivisection Act before your eyes. If you want to try experi- 
ments with poisons on a living animal try them on yourself. 
Should you kill yourself, unintentionally, the law will acquit you of 
suicide, as it does not forbid any donkey to experiment on a 

Suppose, for instance, you want to know what is the effect of 
repeated small doses of copper upon the human system, take a frac- 
tion of a grain of the sulphate or acetate of that metal once a day 
continually till you discover. Ultimately you will find it produce 
paralysis. You will lose the use of your hands or legs, or one side or 
more, of your body. Salts of copper will paralyse you sooner than 
even salts of mercury. But you must take them in minute quantities. 
In large doses they mostly rid you of themselves copper acting like 

In order to take 'your copper pleasantly, your best plan will 
be to swallow it at dinner-time, daily, along with 'green peas. 
This you can do all the year round, as peas are always to be had 
preserved in tins. You can mix your copper with your peas if neces- 
sary. If the peas are of a dull, greyish, faded, ugly colour, there 
is probably no copper in them, and you may have to put some. But 
when their tint is a beautiful bright green, then you may suspect that 
there is plenty of copper in them to cause paralysis if persevered with 
sufficiently long. The copper is mingled with the peas to make them 
look pretty ; and few people seem to be deterred by the fear of poison 
from preferring pretty -looking,'peas to plain ones. 

It is possible, however, that it may become rather less easy 
than it has been heretofore to procure tinned peas, which besides 
being tinned are also coppered. Several foreign provision-dealers 

have lately been summoned before MK. KNOX, and, on medical evi- 
dence, fined for selling tinned peas containing copper in dangerous 
quantities. As they sold them in ignorance, they have been let off 
with nominal fines, but in future vendors of coppered peas may 
expect to incur a penalty of fifty pounds for each offence and have 
to pay. 

Of course the multitude ignorantly eating peas greened with 
copper must he, all of them, greener than any peas. Bright green 
tinned peas may always be suspected of containing copper. If there 
is any question on that point, it may be summarily settled by 
pouring on the peas a little strong liquid ammonia, which, if copper 
is present, will make them turn bluer than even their seller will 
look when he is fined fifty pounds. So also with pickles ; only the 
vinegar of the pickles will require a large excess of ammonia. In case 
there is no ammonia or other means at nand of determining whether 
the greenness of peas or pickles is owing to copper or no, a philoso- 
pher would give copper the credit of the colour, and himself the 
benefit of the doubt. 

Hard Enough Either Way. 

OUR Turcophiles, than Turks who more Turk oft'are, 
Say EDHEM is too soft lacks Moslem ardour : 

But Stamboul's rule were harder with a Softa, 
And scarcely would be softer with a harder. 


WITH apologies to an "OLD SCTBSCBIBER," and to his Maidstone 
readers en masse, Punch begs to explain that, in a paragraph 
headed the " Pains and Penalties of Ritualism," " Maidstone " was, 
by a clerical error, printed for " Folkestone." 

MAIICH 10, 1877.] 



Miss jRose (who has kindly taken in hand an illiterate Housemaid). " ' FIVE AND 
Jane (promptly). " EIOHT'N PENCE, Miss ! "' 


MOTHER SIIIITON'S extraordinary prophecy, set up in 
type before the invention of printing, seems to havu 
exercised small minds almost as much us the Eastern 
Question, lint if it cornea to astonishing the public 
with the marvellous Rifts of second-sight attributed to 
the respectable MKS. S., what will the tribe of //</'- 
i/iditcfiri say when they read the following " Prophecie" 
from the Father of that name ? 

Jfibr fiunurruth yrrts shall passr atoair; 

^roolrs stiall tf frotoaror as to=fiait. 

3 JU'st fHannr shall inirttir br mrltr; 

bracon? in firlOrs shall br srttr 

.ifor sftiitningr Iigtltt to pbrbrrto mrnnr, 

an& romfortr of >.>r Saratrnnr. 

i.r rutUr shall to tftr tooggrs fair. 

in trustr of bullr aiiH morkr of brarr. 

Sfoiing Chaplinnt tftat grfj>=btruf attatfcts 

cfiall of a iT.laOflr stonr uiinnt sorr tbtoarhrs. 

JMttl tubrs sjall br prltptt gomirs, 

Bn& fiurlrn ftoltri, Inr tonnrs : 

xtrrl goinirs shall toith strrl armours stnbtn. 

an& ntitfirr abauntagr urnbtn. 

Joftn Uullc sfiall of soffit strife bt lothr, 

String tftat fit mostt pait for botft. 

clnppts shall bt built anD tftsoons burstt. 

t>r lastr ano utartst still pr toorstr. 

ant) though of in onnr. sttmt to botor. 

Sftall sinftt as tooolrarn sftijpts Donr note. 

JDamrs shall got rlafl&r from top to tot 

as tujhtr as thrn ust nob), or mot. 

jflaiOrnnts shall sftatt tohrrr itt is nont ; 

Oartuft hrBOrs upon rrarltr!) pottts shall tunnt. 

fHotfttr Cfturrfit shall sort frtttt for rutfi. 

but no rnnrfir of an ill Cootbt. 

3:o rrtt I 'sotdt tftr stt rrts of |8?tbf n 

Jf or ibtu honUrttftt lir stbtn. 

Sftipton ftis ^rophrrir. 


THE Post presents its readers with the subjoined notification 

"THE LATE CHAKLES DICKENS. The citizens of Portsmouth having 
wished to erect a statue to the late CHARLES DICKENS, found themselves met 
by the passage in his will to the effect that it WHS his wish that no statue 
should oe set up to him after his death. Those, therefore, who wish to see a 
counterfeit presentment of the great author, must resort to the galleries of 
MADAME TDSSAUD, where his effigy will be found, modelled with that truth 
to nature which characterises the whole of the numerous figures in the great 
galleries in Baker Street." 

In vain do men of genius and greatness desire to deny themselves 
posthumous glorification. The illustrious fellow-townsman of the 
Portsmouth people could succeed in preventing them from adorning 
their city with a statue in honour of him, and also in hindering 
the erection of any such memorial in Westminster Abbey. The 
public at large have felt respect for his will to be the best tribute to 
his memory. But let nobody who has made himself illustrious in 
literature, or any other line of excellence, expect to keep his image 
out of MAIUME TTTSSAUD'S. That Valhalla, or Pantheon, is inevi- 
table for him at any rate ; thither, in effigy, will he, nill he, he 
goes ; mark you that. All he can hope for is a pedestal decently 
remote from the Chamber of Horrors, and from such personages of 
distinction as the "^Claimant ; " for "Jn the great galleries in 
Baker Street" celebrity makes a man acquainted with strange 

"All my Eye! " 

" It is hardly necessary to say that GENERAL IONATIEFP'S journey is not, 
as announced, on account of an affection of the eyes." Paris Correspondent 
of the Times. 

Much more likely say the Russophobes that the formidable 
General is coming to operate on the eyes of Europe by throwing dust 
in 'em. 


To the wonders of the Deep, at the Westminster Aquarium, 
another wonder has been added, which may rather be described as 
a wonder of the Shallow, or at least the Superficial. This new 
wonder is announced as " A Vision of Music ; and the wonder of 
it is that any one should fancy that music can be visible. A concert 
among fish-tanks seems a trifle out of place. The sweetest sounds 
one might expect there would be, perhaps the sounds of cod-fish. 
But what would be the utterance of the Spirit of BEETHOVEN, on 
hearing one of his finest Symphonies the lovely, ever-living 
" Pastoral" performed in an Aquarium, to the accompaniment of 
a Panorama ! 

Suppose the "Vision" is successful, will imitators copy it r If 
pictures may be shown to accompany a symphony, why may not 
music be performed to accompany a picture '( If panoramas can 
be painted to illustrate BEETHOVEN, why should not tunes bt 
introduced to give a tone to a VANDYKE, or a RUBBNS, or a RAFFAELLE ' 
What a happy thought for the R. A.'s at their next winter Exhi- 
bition ! Let a German Band be hired to attend each batch of 
visitors, and play appropriate music in their progress round the 
rooms. Or let a barrel-organ stand in front of each Old Master, 
whom the Council may think suited for musical illustration, and 
grind appropriate airs while the connoisseurs look on. 

'That's Flat!" 
Is the Daily News we observe an advertiser announces this want : 

AFLAT WANTED (where there are other Flats) in a good p:trt of 
London, &c. 

My dear Sir, in the very best parts of town you may readily meet 
with any number of Flats. But perhaps it is a Widow who makes 
the announcement. One at a time, Madam, or some of the Flats 
might become too sharp ! 



[MARCH 10, 1877. 



IL etait un gendarme, a Nanteuil, 
Qui n'avait qu'une dent et qu'un ceil ; 
Mais cet ceil solitaire 
Etait plein de mystere ; 
Cette deiit, d'importance et d'orgueil. 

J'AI pour voisin d'en face un vieux Juif 

Romanesque, inodore et naif, 
Dont les seules delices 
Sont les belles saucisses 

Du pays dont BISMARCK est natif. 

UNE vieille (ello etait blancliisseuse) 
Consultait uu docteur it Chevreuse, 
Qui, pour calmer ses maux, 
Snggdra des bains chauds 
D'Elixir de la Grande-Chartreuse. 

BEAT;, sans peur, sans reproche, et sans taches, 
Chez lui tout dents, gants, linge, moustaches, 

Et lorgnon, sont parfaits : 

Mais il perd tons ses frais, 
Parcequ'il laisse tomber ses aches I 

MARCH 10, 1877.] 




tt prostration from 
bad air and late 
hours having al- 
ready put the Ghost 
of SAM PEPYS hora 
tie combat, at least 
for the moment, the 
ponderous Spirit of 
eager to resume, 

under the pleasanter auspices of Punch, the work he used to do in 
the flesh for CAVE, has taken his place. But Punch sees already the 
Doctor won't do. He will not stoop to trifles. The Nasmyth 
Hammer of that weighty style, good for welding thirty-ton cranks 
of politics and philosophy, is out of place in cracking the nuts, 
which now fill up so much of the time and attention of Parlia- 
ment. However, we gave the Doctor a chance on Monday, Feb. 26, 
when, in the Lords, as he reports : 

My LORD STRATITEDEN AND CAMPBELL rose to call attention to 
the correspondence on Turkey, and to move an Address, praying 
HEK M A j EST Y, in effect, to support and maintain the Treaties of 1856. 
That a Nobleman, whose devotion to his duties is evidently con- 
scientious, and whose sense of the gravity of his mission is almost 
overwhelming, should have been able to reduce to more than normal 
emptiness benches, which, as a .'rule, are sparsely occupied, may be 
in some degree owing to the subject he treats, but may, with more 
confidence, be attributed to his manner of treating it. 

If anything could make the Turks more odious in the eyes of 
England_, if not of Europe, it would be the untoward circumstance 
that their cause should have fallen into the hands of a nobleman, in 
whom conscientiousness cannot excuse prolixity, nor_.good inten- 
tions atone for tediousness. 

That in EABL KI:V the Ministry should have found an indulgent 
critic, and those on what may he called by some extension of 
language-^-his own side of the House, a candid friend, whose 
freedom in saying disagreeable things exceeds even that which 
candid friendship has always asserted, was a result for which our 
experience of that nobleman's course had prepared us. But we 
rarely remember wrong-headedness so ingenious, and crotchetiness 
so persistent, as those revealed in EARL GREY'S views upon the 
Eastern Question. 

The EABL OP DERBY, however, glad of toleration however tedious, 
and support however eccentric, expressed himself sensible of the 
candour of LORD CAMPBELL, and grateful for the dispassionateness 
of EARL GKEY. He did his best to add to the weight of dulness 
under which the House of Lords had already succumbed. 

The Celtic vivacity of the DUKE OF ARGYLL, with which I am 
more prepared than most to sympathise, was insufficient to relieve 
the weight which had settled upon the little that was left of this 
august assemblage, when, at half-past eight o'clock, the House 
divided, leaving my LORD CAMPBELL AND STRATHBDEN, the solitary 
supporter of his own Motion, in an assemblage of four. 

England may with reason be grateful to its Peerage, which gives 
this grave lesson to wordiness without wisdom, and crotchetiness 
without consistency. For any other Essence to be extracted from 
the incidents of this evening's debate in the Lords I seek in vain. 

Nor do I find it more easy to reduce, within the limits to which I 
am, for the present, confined, the desultory conversation which 
to-night occupied the House of Commons, till the order of the day 
was read for going into Committee of Supply. 

Some may find in this brief and often futile interchange of 
remarks, on a vast variety of topics, evidence of the ubiquitous 
vigilance of the Commons. I see in it, rather, an obliyiousness of 
the limits which separate a Parish Vestry from a Parliament, and 
of the bounds within which that Legislature should confine itself, 



[MARCH 10, 1877. 

which admits the finality of Man's strength and Member's energy. 
Yet I am bound to recognise the politeness of Ministers in answer- 
ing questions, not seldom indiscreet, and in most cases superfluous ; 
while I admire the skill with which such questions, when incon- 
venient, may be evaded, under the pretext of answering them. 

Before the discussion of the Civil Service Estimates, for the intro- 
duction of which thus early in the Session much credit must be 
assigned to Ministers, or rather the Departments over which they 
nominally preside, MR. GOLDSMID called attention to the want of a 
proper explanation of an expenditure for pacific purposes, the rise of 
which from -1,000,000 in 1852, to close upon 22,000,000 in the present 
year, is calculated to, arrest the attention of even the most unthink- 
ing. MR. W. H. SMITH, than whom no one can better know the 
importance of a good system of account-keeping, admitted the 
desirableness, while he seemed to doubt the practicability, of such 
an explanation. The House then proceeded to its desultory 
criticism of Estimates, which it is idle to assail without study, 
and hopeless to diminish by independent objection. 

Tuesday (Lords). The LOBD CHANCELLOE moved the Second 
Reading of a Bill which, in my time, would have been unnecessary, 
to enable the MASTER OF THE ROLLS to make provision for the de- 
struction of public documents. Such provision was then made by 
the means taken for the nominal preservation of such documents. 
But the reign of rats over records, so long uncontested, is now, I 
learn, at an end for ever. The present Bill provides all needful 
precautions that no documents should be destroyed whose preserva- 
tion can either interest the public or enlighten the historian. 

(Commons.) The same desultory multifariousness, to which my 
yesterday's report directed attention, was the characteristic of the 
earlier part of this evening's misemployment. But an interest was at 
length given to discussion, by the attempt of ME. C. LEWIS, an active 
member of the inferior branch of the legal profession, to transfer 
from English to Irish hands the management of the income and 
property of the Irish Society, which now administers estates in 
Londonderry producing a net rental of 12,700 a year. 

That this property is held by the Irish Society for public purposes 
must be admitted ; that the expenditure of 4,500 a year, under 
the head of Management and refreshment," by a body drawn 
from the Corporation of the City of London, is expenditure for a 
public purpose, may be open to question particularly when the sum 
spent on refreshment is not distinguished, from that spent on manage- 
ment. But a large and liberal hospitality has ever been the cha- 
racteristic of our Metropolitan Municipality, and I am free to own 
that I feel satisfaction in thinking that this characteristic, so far 
from declining, has gathered intensity with the advancing years 
of the Corporation : that their dinners are now more sumptuous and 
succulent than they were in my own time, and their wines not 
Ulterior in quality. I have yet to learn why hospitalities, so grace- 
iully and liberally dispensed by the managers of the Irish Society of 
London, should be transferred to a body of Irish entertainers, who, 
it not less liberal, would certainly be less cultivated in the arts of 
the table; nor has our experience of Irish local administration 
been of a character to plead for its extension. Not that I feel 
much sympathy with the worthy member for Peterborough, who 
sees in the Irish Society the one effective bulwark in Ireland 
against the invasions of Papal authority, which in his eyes are 
as ubiquitous as malignant. I fail, however, to find in MR. LEWIS'S 
indictment of the Society that force which alone would justify 
such a large transfer of the duties of administration combined with 
entertainment to an Irish body, even of those Northern counties, in 
which an infusion of the penuriousness of the Scot has checked the 
natural open-handedness of the Celtic race. Much stress was laid on 
the good works of the Society ; much, too, on the part they had taken 
in resisting the rights of their lawful Sovereign during the siege 
of Derry, a page of our annals in which I, for one, find but little 
satisfaction. I cannot regret that the Motion was rejected by 108 to 53. 

It was with more gratification that I listened to the discussion on 
HR. bAMFELSON s Motion for a Select Committee to inquire into the 
system of apprenticeship of pupil-teachers in elementary schools, 
and of training colleges for elementary teachers. Having myself 
kept an academy for the instruction of youth, this is a subject on 
which I feel entitled, however reluctantly, to assert myself as an 
authority. LOHD SANDON defended. ME. FAWCETT assailed, the 
existing system, both with plausible arguments. That there are 
prima facie grounds of inquiry, however, MR. W. E. FOESTER, a 
candid and well-informed judge on this subject, admitted, and 
uts, as stated, seem to me to show. The refusal of the House 
to sanction the Motion, by 46 to 104, must be taken rather as a 
proof of power in the Government than of cogency in the reasoning 
of its organs. 

Wednesday. The desire of husbands to marry their deceased 

ives sisters I have always regarded as a compliment to the 

deceased wives, and the result of a natural desire to escape at least 

one mother-m-law. I do not admit the argument against such unions 

founded on the Old Testament. That the law in England and its 

Colonies should differ on this point, is a blot I should not regret to 
see removed. Hut it is one or many such blots; and I doubt the 
wisdom of doing it away by a side-wind ; all the more as any incon- 
venience with respect to the transmission of landed property its 
sole practical inconvenience can be avoided by the simple pre- 
caution of making a will. I cannot, therefore, feel satisfaction in 
even the temporary triumph of ME. KNATCHBCLL-HUGESSEN'S Motion, 
declaring valid in the Mother Country marriages with deceased 
wives' sisters, contracted by domiciled Colonists, in Colonies where 
such marriages have been legalised. Nor can I regret that to-night's 
triumph will be neither of long duration nor of practical effect. 

Thursday (Lords). I rejoiced to learn, from the conversation 
between my Lords BELMOEE and CARNARVON, that the disgraceful 
practice of kidnapping natives of the South Sea Islands whose 
discovery we owe to my excellent and humane friend, CAPTAIN 
COOK has been reduced to the narrowest limits by the watchfulness 
of our cruisers in the Southern seas. Slavery, while it existed, may 
have enlisted in its behalf much reason as well as some philanthropy. 
But in defence of this abominable practice of kidnapping the rea- 
soner is as silent, as the philanthropist is loud in its condemnation. 

(Commons.) After a more warm than well-informed philological 
discussion between SIR GEORGE CAMPBELL and LORD GEORGE 
HAMILTON on the etymology of HER MAJESTY'S Indian Title, in which 
I longed to raise a lexicographical and authoritative voice, I 
confess to having sought the natural relief of slumber, under 
the influence of a tedious discussion of the Prisons Bill. To this 
I yielded with the less reluctance, when I had once satisfied 
myself that the excellent provisions of the Bill are in no real 
danger, either from the obstinacy of bucolic prejudice, the claims 
of parochial self-importance, or the penetrating insidiousness of 
local jobbery. 


LONDON School-Board 
have been favoured 
by the advice of MR. 
SPRY on the ques- 
tion, now under their 
consideration, of 
" Spellin Reform." 
There, he says, is an 
instance of that Re- 
form to begin with 
"spellin" for 
" spelling." He re- 
commends that or- 
thographical reform 
based upon popular 
pronunciation. It is only the 
" Upper Ten," who affect to talk 
line, that say "spelling." The 
masses on both sides of the Atlantic 
drop the " g " from that word, and 
pronounce it "spellin." He 
thinks it may be a question 
whether the aspirates which the 
million commonly also drop, at 
least in this country, should be 
omitted also: "ham,"forinstance, 
being reduced to " am." and 
' ' hand " to " and." But this rule, 
he fears, would breed some confusion of meaning and of parts 
of speech. As to certain aspirates, too, there is, he remarks, 
a diversity of usage. By some of the People "horse " is pronounced 
"oss," by others "hoss." He would not himself say "old oss," 
but "old hoss," in addressing a Prince, for example, or a Peer, or a 
Bishop. And this illustration leads him to a further development 
of his notion of " Spellin Reform," which ought, he contends, to 
include all the improvements of "spellin" effected by American 
writers, of late years, in the literature of the United States. 

Accordingly, ME. SPEY proposes that in the " spellin " of all such 
words as " defence," " offence," and " pretence " the " c " should 
be replaced with " s," as it is by the most remarkable writers in his 
own country, who agree in "spellin" those words "offense," 
"pretense" and "defense," on etymological grounds, because 
" s " occurs instead of " c " in the roots they are derived from as 
printed in all " dixonarys " and books whatsoever in the Latin 
"langwidge." On derivative grounds, also, he would have the 
superfluous "u" ejected from all such nouns as "honour" and 
"colour," those words to be spelt "honor" and "color;" and 
" neighbour," for conformity's sake, " neighbor," or, better still, 
" naibor." 
The difficulty of effecting these reforms of "spellin" will be, 


MAECU 10, 1877.] 



M it. SPBY fears, " considerable some." He knows how averse English 
writers of any authority are to adopt Ameriran ameliorations and 
enrichments of English. He is highly indignant that all the higher 
portion of the British Press eschew that expressive and elegant 
adjective, "reliable," and persist in using that obsolete verb "to 
lend" instead of its modern American synonym, "to loan." He 
expects that an aristocratic fastidiousness will set them as obsti- 
nately against every attempt at advancement in the patli of 
"Spellin Utt'cirm," and especially of "goin ahead" under the Star- 
Spangled Manner. His only hope for English " Spellin Reform " 
lies in the creation of a demand for it among the People, who, if 
they wanted it, could, by means of intimidation meetings, such as 
Trafuljrar Square and Hyde Park demonstrations, pretty soon 
succeed in forcing it upon an unwilling Legislature. 


Oil, 3Ji: Punt-It! The thin end of another wedge in! Tin: 
Colonial Marriages Bill ! But it must soon be out again. Or else 
we shall shortly nave marriage with deceased wives' sisters legalised 
altogether. Shocking ! 

How can people argue that what is lawful in the Australian 
Colonies, ought to be lawful here ! Are not the Australians the 
Antipodes? And does not common sense show that things in 
England are the reverse of those on the opposite side of the globe '? 
So that what is very wrong here, is perfectly right there, with a 
few exceptions, such as robbery, murder, &c. 

And then how stupid to say, that because Australian laws have 
been assented to by the Crown, the Royal assent might just as well 
be given to the same laws for England ! The contrary stands to 
reason. And what an absurd question to ask "Suppose the 
Australian Marriage Acts wrong, the Crown having sanctioned them 
because they are Colonial, and suppose the Australians were to turn 
Mormonites, and legalise plurality of wives, would not the Crown 
be equally bound to sanction polygamy P " Of course not. 

Logic is a gem, Sir, and fair-play a jewel, and hypocrisy a par- 
ticular detestation to your ever moral, conscientious, and sincere 


P.8. I am nobody's deceased wife's sister; but I scorn the 

insinuation that I uphold restrictions on marriage as well as every- 
thing else which affects other people only, and not myself. 

Canine Devotion. 
WE read, in a recent number of the Timet, an advertisement 

AJiKTKIKVKIl DOG STRAYED into tho Chancery Pay-Oflice, 
Chancery Lane, on Saturday, the 17th init., &o. 

Was this the dog of some luckless party to a Chancery suit, who 
had gone in to retrieve his master's fortune ? The word strayed " 
seems superfluous. As if any intelligent man, much less any 
sagacious animal, who knew where he was going, ever went, into 
Chancery ! 

Sumptuary Echoes. 

WHAT will Tailors do to frock coats, if Fashion wears a cutaway Y 
Cut away ! 

Where will Hatters go to, if Fashion discards the chimney-pot P 

What will the Ladies do if Fashion continues tightening the bust ? 
Bust ! 

What is the only thing left for La Mode to do, if she is deter- 
mined to outstrip herself r Strip herself I 

Additional Lenten Penances. 

Dii. KKNEALT. To see himself as others see him. 
MB. CHAPLIN. To " do it again " to MR. GLADSTONE. 
other's verses. 

MR. BKOWNIHO. To restore all his missing articles. 
LORD-JUSTICE CHRISTIAN. To be sat upon by a Vice-Chancellor. 
SIR GEORGE JESSEL. To eat a daily slice of humble-pie. 

To INVALIDS. Before dinner first have out your bark. Then 
take your bite. You will fare poorly indeed if even your dearest 
friends do not admit your bark is worse than your bite. 


By Oar Special Reporter. (Oxford and Cambridge, Saturday night.) 

HE Crew to-day, 
after a preliminary 
tubbing in the High 
Street, where a con- 
siderable crowd of 
University men, 
touts, and trades- 
men, were as- 
sembled to witness 
the stripping of the 
athletes, started to 
the Spinning House 
for their usual 
afternoon spin. 

At three o'clock 
the Eight was 
launched on a 
strong stream, and 
the Crew rowed 
through Abingdon 

Lock to Ditton Corner, halting for an hour at the " Plough," opposite Nuneham 
House, where hot egg-flip was brought creaming out in glasses, and partaken 
ot by the Coaches, which had been driven down by the Proctors on duty. Great 
as was the temptation offered to the Crew, the seductive drink was noblv 
refused by all except an "odd man," whose stamina could not be guaranteed 
since he had rowed at the bow thwart. 

A game of billiards was started, to improve the finish of the stroke, and the 
lookers-on were much struck by the feather of No. Seven. 

The rowing to-day might have been more satisfactory. Most of the men 
put their backs well into the boat, but persist in leaving their legs outside. 

v ?B v a good "^mS" 1 !? lurch forward, and comes well over his 

temfenc toh 1 " ^ ^ the mid(Ue ' and> consequently, there is a 

No. Six is brisk, and catches the water in his hat when Seven throws it 

311 up, but he is too much occupied with his eye-glass, which must add 

weight, and would be better left in his rooms. 

No. Five displays perhaps the best form, his muscles standing out like loaves 
upon a baker's tray. We should recommend him still to take a little more fat 
down. Inis he might readily manage by eating bacon for breakfast. 

No. Four, not to be outdone by the dashing stroke of 
the Captain of the boat, has started a powerful stroke of 
his own, which caresses No. Five's back in a manner 
more remarkable as a sensation than sensational as an 
improvement on his old style. However, he probably 
imagines that, by getting over this style, he has dis- 
covered a new field for invention. 

No. Three is much to be complimented on the graceful 
turn of the wrist he has adopted, which produces the 
maximum of style with the minimum of work. Nothing 
can be more elegant or less useful. 

No. Two sticks to his work, though he appears to 
quarrel with his sliding-seat a continuation of which 
uneasiness may cause his work to stick to him. The only 
fault we find is that he works out of the boat, which 
probably accounts for his sewing-machine action when 

Bow has every right to the title, for no one of the crew 
bends his head more assiduously than No. One. If there 
is an objection to his performances, it is a tendency to 
catch the water, which occasionally sends him back with 
his legs in the air. But this is a weakness he will soon 
get over. 

At Baitsbito Lasher the Coaches, who happened .to be 
close, took the Eight in tow, and, putting on a spurt, 
they paddled home at the rate of sixty-four to the 
minute, breaking three oars and losing an outrigger, but 
without turning a hair. 

In the evening the Crew dined at the " Scout and 
Bedmaker," where the repast consisted of the various 
crustaceans caught by No. One, washed down with tawny 
Did University Port at twenty-seven shillings the dozen. 
The pace was everything that could be desired. 

We have said enough for any one with half an eye 
(unless the diminished optic is of glass), to detect the 
winner ; and, as the Boat Race of '77 is to be rowed at 
half-past five in the morning, by gas-light and the 
Limes at Mortlake, there is no doubt that the crowd 
issembled will be one of the gayest and most cheerful of 
;he coming season, and only too ready to accept any 
suggestions which may lead to prospective pools or 
impending dozens of kid gloves. 



[MARCH 10, 1877. 


. Perkins. 

( Aer) 






ELATE at the state of his trade and his tills, 
The Butcher mused on a batch of long bills 
In a mood that may well be described as Elysian, 
For prices ranged high, and thermometers low, 
So the Butcher droused, and in Dreamland's glow 

Beheld an astonishing vision : 
A Bull of a breed that was utterly new 
To that Butcher's experience, burst on his view. 
It was starred, it was striped, it was dotted and lined 
In a fashion fantastic, which brought to the mind 
The sketches for carvers in Cookery Books, 
Or sartorial aids to self -measurement. " Oh ! ' 
Cried that Butcherman crossly, " this certainly looks 

Like playing it down very low " 
(For that Bull was priced over in numerals plain, 
And, turtle-like, ticketed ere it was slain) 

" This practice is perfectly odious I 
"What! Sixpence a pound ? 'Tis too tnucbjfor my brain." 

(Here the Bull gave a bellow melodious.) 
" Who the dickens are you ? " snarled the Butcher. " who come 
With preposterous prices to puzzle and pain us ? 
Said the Bull, with a wink, f< Wall, I 'm known, when to-hum, 

As Bos Americanus." 

" Oho ! " yelled the Butcher, " that much-talked-of Yankee 
That 's coming to cut down our profits ? No, thankee. 
I'm boss of this business, and mean, if I can, 

To keep up traditional prices." 
Quoth the Bull, through his nose " I don't doubt you, old 

~_ man, 

But you 're hardly awake to this Crisis of Crises. 
Smart trick of those canny Scotch fleshers ! Dare say 
You 'd a pot in that pile. But the game 's had its day. 
My advent is fast getting known to the town ; 
Like the Coon to our Colonel you 'II have to come down .' " 
" Come down ! " yelled the Butcher. " A jolly fine joke ! 

I '11 come down on you hot, as you '11 presently feel ! " 
And he went for that Bos with his knife and his steel ; 

But, hoist like a football awoke, 
And fouud he had dropped all his bills in his fright ; 
An omen which spoiled his repose for the night. 


THE information imparted to Mr, Punch by his correspondent 
" CYMRICUS," that "nine Welshmen out of ten have never seen a 
leek," was seasonably illustrated last week on St. David's Day, when 
the members of the Most Honourable and Loyal Society of Ancient 
Britons, under the presidency of the Right Hon. and Rev. LORD 
DYNEVOH, celebrated their one hundred and sixty-second festival at 
Willis's Rooms, and, as the Times reports, after playings, and 
singings, and graces, and'grubbings, and.bubbings, look you, and 
loyal and national toasts and sentiments, and a history of the Society 
and its schools delivered from the chair : 

" The band struck up the March of the Mm of llarlech, and boys and girls 
of the schools, decorated with the national leek, paraded through the room." 

After that the least amends that " CTMRICUS" could make would 
be eating his leek, and eating it raw I 

A Knock-Under. 

SIH, See what we have at last brought these proud masters 
down to ! Here is one of their cries of distress from the Bury Free 
Press : 

WANTED, a very PLAIN COOK ; no matter how old or ill-favoured 
so long as she would prove useful ; very little work j extraordinary 
wages ; good living ; lots of holidays ; followers encouraged. Address, &o. 

Ha! ha! ha! 

Yours, Mr. Punch, who have so often vented your insolent sneer 
at our oppressed order. " SERVICE NO INHERITANCE." 


. . 



MARCH 10, 1877.] 




(liy and for the Irith.) 

HE following 
scheme for a new 
Organisation of 
the Irish Society 
has been dropped 
into Mr, Punch's 
letter-box. Mr. P. 
has no clue to the 
authorship, unless 
such a clue may be 
afforded by a torn 
card, containing 
only the words, 
"MAJOR O'G-," 
and a much soiled 
paper, apparently 
a portion of a pro- 
vision merchant's 
little account, 
which seemed to 
have found their 
way by oversight 
into the envelope. 
The rules are 
written in two 
very irregular 
hands, with great 
variety of ortho- 
graphy, some- 
times the phonetic method, and sometimes the established rule 
being followed. We have restored the conventional spelling 
throughout, except in the case of a few Irishisms. 

I. The Society, known as the Irish Society, elected out of the 
London Livery Companies, shall and do from the date of these 
presents renounce and surrender, freely, voluntarily, absolutely, 
and of their own consent, or it will be worse for them, all their 
right, property, and claims in the estates, lands, demesnes, and 
their appurtenances, heretofore known as the estates of the 
Irish Society in Derry, and Coleraine, or elsewhere, wheresoever 
and whatsoever, as hereinafter provided. 

II. All base, brutal, and Saxon use of the humiliating word 
" livery," in connection with the Trustees of the said Society, shall 
cease henceforth and for ever, and any use of the word in connec- 
tion with such Trustees, shall from the date of these presents 
be punishable as a felony by tine and imprisonment, without 
benefit of clergy. 

III. Three hundred and sixty-five Trustees of the said pro- 
perty and estates, whatsoever and whensoever, shall be elected, 
by universal suffrage, at a date to be fixed by the Act confirming 
the present Constitution, by the Irish people, from the people of 

IV. For the purpose of such election, every voter entitled to vote 
shall have one vote for himself and one or more for everybody else, 
but shall be at liberty to lump either vote upon both, or all on 

V. The said three hundred and sixty-five Irishmen so elected, 
irrespective of faith or faction, creed, country, or coleur of their hair, 
to be the sole Executive of the New Irish Society, and to enter on 
the administration thereof, for the benefit of the people of Ireland, 
such benefit to be distributed and apportioned in proportions to be 
hereafter determined according to the creeds and populations of 
counties. The farmers' clubs in the said several counties to fix the 
said prop ortions. 

VI. Any dispute that may arise during the said elections, or in fixing 
the said proportions, to be settled by arbitration with the ancient 
national weapon of the Milesian people, the blackthorn, or shil- 

VII. All such weapons to be cut and trimmed to a scale and 
weight, to be approved by the Irish Society, as hereby reconstituted, 
and after a standard, to be kept in the archives of the Society, 
under three locks, to be retained always by the Master of the Society 
for the time being, and his predecessor and successor. 

VIII. Every Trustee of the Society to have been born and to live 
in Ireland for the term of his natural life, and in the event of his 
being elected to serve in the Parliament of Great Britain, to bind 
himself by oath to vote with the Irish Home Rule party for the time 
being, as required by its recognised leader, and if there be two or 
more such leaders, by the one he likes best. 

IX. No Lord Mayor or Alderman of London to be eligible as 
Trustee of the said Society, unless he is an Irishman by birth and 
nationality, and if any sucli should be chosen, he shall abjure his 

allegiance to the Municipality of London before entering on his duties 
as a Trustee of the Society. 

X. No tenant of the said lands or estates to be liable to eviction 
for any cause whatsoever, except in the event next hereinafter 
provided. All such tenants to be treated aisy in regard to their rints, 
and quarter-days to be shifted to suit their convenience. 

XI. Any tenant on the said lands and estates to be liable to 
summary eviction if he be found calling for any drink other than 
native Irish whiskey, or for drink that has paid duty, when there is 
any other to be had. 

XII. The charge for " management and refreshment" to be a 
fixed charge on the rental of the said lands and estates, and to 
stand as in the present accounts of the said Society, at 4,500 
per annum, with a margin for extras. The item " Management," 
to include among such extras arms and ammunition required by 
tenants and trustees of the said estates for attack and defence ; and 
the item " Refreshment," to include among such extras doctors' 
bills, funeral expenses, and other necessary appurtenances and 
appliances of social enjoyment. 

XIII. All Trustees attending the meetings of the Society to be 
required to leave their bits of twigs outside the door of the place 
of meeting. 

XIV. Three Trustees to be a quorum, unless more are present 
within three hours of the time fixed for any meeting. 

XV. In the event of the Trustees being reduced by any difference 
of opinion, arbitration, or argument, or the consequences thereof, 
within the next three years below a quorum, as hereinbefore con- 
stituted, the management of the said land and estates to pass to a 
Gentleman who has long been known as the truest Friend of Ireland, 
not meaning MB. BCTT, Q.C., as to whom the present schame 
desires to express no opinion, beyant remarking that it is a pity if 
he 's the best that can ue got to spake up for ould Ireland. 

XVI. In the event of the said Friendof Ireland coming into the 
management of the said lands and estates, he shall be required 
to add to his name the definite article of Milesian tribal chieftain- 
ship, and the vowel of Milesian patronymic significance, and be 
known as The O'Punch, meaning thereby the Irish whiskey Punch, 
and he will be further required to bind himself, before the Six 
Masters in Chancery and Irish History, to drink nothing but that 
same for the rest of his natural life. 

[The last page is written in a hand that keeps growing more and 
more difficult to decipher, till at last it becomes utterly unintelli- 
gible, and the last page is suddenly torn across, as if in a struggle 
for its possession.] 





8. PL-M8-LL, M.P. 

CHAPTKK II. Plot Sam and Jet Sam. 

THE Stevedore grasped his knife. 

" Vou shall hear from me ! " he muttered. 

BILLY heeded him not. 

" I have heard o/you already," he replied. " You don't suppose 
I "ve wormed in Brazilian Waters for nothing ! "* 

The Spaniard grew livid. 

' Do not provoke him any further I " entreated MABT. 

" Leave him to me ! " said the Junior Warden, pushing the others 
aside " to me and the Law ! " 

WILLIAM started, but he was rooted to the spot by the apparition 
of a short man, in a suit of rusty black, with a set of papers under 
his arm. 

"Now," said the Junior Warden, "answer me! You took out 
a charter-party '! " 

" Aye, aye, yer Honour, for a row, and brought 'em back safely." 

" But you ran into a sheer hulk, without speaking with her ! " 
said the Warden. 

" Avast there, your Honour ! " answered WILLIAM. " We 
couldn't speak with her, 'cos she was a Dumb Barge." 

" And," returned the Junior Warden, sternly, she couldn't see 
you, as the unfortunate creature had no lights, and only dead eyes. 
You are charged with incalculable damage." 

' By whom ? " asked WILLIAM, boldly. 

" By this gentleman," replied the Warden, pointing to the person 
in black. " He is the Average Stater, and never overshoots his mark. 
Your boat was confiscated for these damages, this day at twelve 
o'clock. It is now five minutes past." 

* What does " wormed " mean ? A r ote Ei>. 
Vide Xaulical Dictionary. Ant. S. 1'. 



[MARCH 10, 1877. 

" I am ruined ! " exclaimed WILLIAM. 

MAST wept on her father's shoulder, and the crowd was visibly 

The Stevedore smiled primly. 

" You cannot pay ? " inquired the Warden. 

" I cannot ! " answered WILLIAM, despairingly. 

" Then," said the Warden, raising his voice, and beckoning to a 
couple of men whose blue coats, cocked hats, and short cutlasses, 
betokened their official capacity, " Water-Bailiff s, do your duty! ' 

" Sorry for it, MISTEK BILL," said the ,two men ; " but duty is 
duty!" .;; .i^:..,,.^: 

" Do it, you two SAMUELS ! " returned WILLIAM. 

The two Water-Bailiffs, who were two brothers of the name of 
SAMUELS (abbreviated into " SAM," and known as FLOX SAM and 
JET SAM), produced a warrant and a pair of handcuffs. 

" Never ! " cried MABT, as, quitting her father, she threw her 
arms about WILLIAM. 

" Stay ! " said the Warden, bestowing a glance of intelligence on 
the Stevedore. "WILLIAM can either go to prison, or, take his 

passage, as Purser, aboard the Albert Ross, which sails to-night. 
Choose at once ! " MABT looked up in his face beseechingly. The 
Water-Bailiffs paused. 

CHAPTER III. How the Bait is offered to our poor Sailors. 

WILLIAM TAILLEUB eyed the good ship Albert Ross. 

A clerk stepped forward with pen and ink. 

" If you like to sail on board this craft," said the Junior Warden 
of the Sink Port, who was, privately part-owner with the Stevedore, 
trading under the name of the firm before mentioned, " you shall 
marry my daughter when my ship comes home." 

MART turned her beautiful eyes up toward the skies, and then 
kissed her parent. 

WILL TAILLEUR could no longer hesitate. 

" Give me the pen ! " he cried. And, taking the quill and paper 
from the clerk, he signed the Articles. 

A smile of triumph passed over the faces of the Junior Warden 
and the Stevedore. 

MAET bade WILLIAM a tender farewell, and withdrew. 

Five minutes after WILLIAM had gone aboard, he returned. 

" I will not sail in the Albert Ross .' " he protested, firmly. " She 
ii unseaworthy ! " 

" To gaol then with him ! " cried the Warden, furiously. 

The Water-Bailiffs advanced, each armed with the necessary 

" The Albert Ross is not fit to leave the dock ! " cried the un- 
happy WILLIAM, as the minions of an unjust and cruel law which 
I hope everyone will help me to abolish approached. 

" Not leave the dock ! " exclaimed the first Water-Bailiff. 
"What dock?" 

" This ! " replied WILLIAM, stoutly, pointing to the dock where 
they were standing. " This is the dock I mean." 

>f Nay ! " answered the Bailiff, producing a dock-warrant for his 
arrest. " This is the dock-you-meant ! " 

The jest was cruel, but not BO cruel as the Law which occa- 
sioned it. 

So WILLIAM was led away to gaol by his captors. 

Whoever you are who read this, help the poor Sailors, and don t 

; let them be sent to sea unless they like ! Oh, ye Gentlemen of 

England, who live at home at ease, how little do you think upon the 

dangers of the seas when the stormy winds do blow-ow-ow, when 

the stormy winds do blo-ow-ow-ow ! But I, the spinner of this 

yarn, know all 
about it ; I 
haven't nearly 
met my death on 
board a merchant 
ship at sea, and 
got a berth in a 
model lodging- 
house on shore, 
fornothing. But, 
my lads, I have 
a tale to tell, and 
I must heave a- 
head ! 

A Scene at 

LIAM was cooling 
his heels and his 
heated brain in a 
prison-cell, the 
Spanish Steve- 
dore had gone up 
to town. 

He drove to 
C'ornhill, and, 
after a short 
parley with a 
gentleman in 
official costume 
(of whom more 
anon), he entered 
the Long Koom 
Coffee House, 
where the 
Writers, In- 
surers, Shippers, 
and Skippers do 
congregate. The 
business, as con- 
ducted here, is, 

in general, fair and honest enough. But LLOYD'S profit is not 
altogether unalloyed with risk. Now, "risk" means "speculation," 
and speculation must involve dishonesty. 

It will be as well at this point, in order to thoroughly interest my 
reader (or readers for I trust I have more than one, and, if I have 
not, I '11 send copies, gratis, all over the world), that I should give a 
clear and exact account of the constitution of LLOYD'S. 
The first question naturally is Who is LLOYD P 
I give the answer. Here it is : 

The gentleman in the official costume above alluded to, who, for 
the sake of respectability, and to impress visitors with an idea of 
the high character of the business, is dressed in the same style as is 
the beadle in a church. This is MR. LLOYD himself, or one of the 
family ! ! ! He it is who takes an enormous per-centage on all the 
profits, while incurring no risk. He it is into whose pockets fall all 
the profits accruing from the coffee consumed in LLOYD'S Coffee- 
House. He it is who receives the entrance-fees from the new 
members, and accepts the immense sums which are paid by Tide- 
waiters wishing to serve the customers in the Coffee-House. And, 
finally, he it is who has the sole right to admit, alter, and arrange 
the charts and maps kept in the establishment, and he it is who 
alone receives the gratuities daily nay, hourly presented by the 
members to the custodian of their hats, coats, umbrellas, and sticks, 

MABCH 10, 1877.] 




Projrrietor of Sltootiinjs ("in the course of Conversation"). " YBS, BUT YOU KNOW, SANDY, IT'S DIFFICULT TO UIIOOSK BETWEEN TBK 



for which tickets of non-admission are given on their being de- 
posited in thq hall ! ! Is it conceivable that here in England, in the 
very heart of our bit trading city, one man should be possessed 
of so enormous, so unlimited a power ! ! ! ! Yet so it is. A captain 
who has a ship to insure which is likely to be knocked about by the 
Breakers, goes to the Brokers. The Official LLOYD gives him an 
introduction, for which he pays handsomely. 

The business is divided between the tlnderwriters (who won't 
insure for anything like the amount, and who are, more or less, safe 
and comparatively honest) and the Overwriters (who will insure to 
any amount, on receiving a bonus as encouragement-money). And 
these are speculators, and unseaworthy to the last degree. 

It was to a firm of Overwriters that DON JOSE DI SALAMANCA, the 
Spanish Stevedore, and Co-owner of the Albert Ron, applied. 

" What 's she laden with ? " inquired ME. HICKOHY, of the firm 

" Grain," replied DON JOSE. " Will you take her ? " 

"We will take her," replied the other, slily winking at his com- 
panion. " Cum qrano satis." 

IIow much ? inquired MB. DOCQUE. 

" Five hundred thousand pounds," replied the Stevedore, firmly. 

A thrill went round the entire room, and several timid Under- 
writers lost their assurance for the moment. 

" IIow much to do it?" asked MB. WALKER, junior partner in 
the same firm. 

" Fifty thousand pounds," replied the Don. 

The Overwriters regarded one another suspiciously. It was not 
DON Josh's tirst transaction. The Overwriters paused. The Under- 
writers trembled ; and even LLOYD himself felt a shudder pass 
through the gold lace of his hat-band. 


(To be continued.) 

THE CZAR is said to be longing for a " golden bridge." We 
thought it was a Golden Horn on which his wishes were fixed. 


(A Snarl in Season.) 

THE " roaring moon of daffodil and crocus." 

So sings our Laureate How these bards provoke u 

With their periphrasis and hocus-pocus ! 

Roaring ? ThaOs true ; with dusty blasts that choke ua ; 

But while to wrath your mad March airs provoke us, 

Your flowery fancies seem a bitter jocus, 

And snow-drops chilly sarcasms ! Wherefore poke us 

With spring flowers, while 'gainst WinterfrosU we stoke us '? 

The floral charms of March who cares to focus, 

Except in Cerent-Garden ? charming locus, 

Where alone Spring-time does not freeze or soak us ; 

In Mackintosh where we 've no need to cloak us, 

From " roaring moon of daffodil and crocus ! " 

Taking the Consequences. 

MB. J. KKAD, of Rose Cottage, Ipswich, sends to the Anglian 
Times an indignant letter, complaining of the fines imposed on him 
by the Ipswich Magistrates for refusing to vaccinate his children. 
The gist of his letter is in the following sentence : 

"The amount I am unjustly ordered by the Great Unpaid to pay to the 
borough of Ipswich, I will gladly pay, and thank God I am free from the dogs 
of vaccination. I hare been hunted about like a madman would be chared, 
but henceforth I can rest with my family in Ipswich, for every one of my 
unraccinated children hare had the small pox, and therefore by law/r, all 
six of them." 

This is indeed, as the Editor remarks, paying such a price for 
freedom as few parents would care to pay. 

Judging distances. 



[MAHCII 10, 1877. 


Customer. "Nor MUCH CHOICE TO-DAY!" 





IT is not often I venture out of my quiet nest in the country, where I 
fell asleep many, many, years ago. But when I do wake up it is usually for a 
week in Town, and a round of the Theatres. Once I used to dread, while I 
craved, the excitement of this sudden transition from long sleep into sudden 
life. The rush of novelty was too much for me. But now how different my 
experience ! 

In nine out of ten of the Theatres, if 'the managers had planned their entertain- 
ment to suit my nerves and consult my feelings, they would have put forth just 
the bills I see. A hazy halo of antiquity hovers round these programmes, and 
takes off all sharp shock of newness. The first theatre I visited after my last 
waking was the Haymarket. I rather doubted the wisdom of beginning with 
that dear little, ugly, inconvenient, old home of .legitimate comedy. BUCKSTONE 
used to be such a fellow for novelty in his pieces, if not his performers. He 
never fell back on the stock old comedies, while there was a lively new one to 
be tempted on to the boards "Here," I thought to myself, "I shall be sure 
to see a picture of life as it is, fresh, sparkling, and above all, English to the 
backbone. But shall I ever be able to staad the shock ? " Judge of my 
amazement to find as the piece de resistance of ftfe evening's entertainment a 
classical comedy in blank verse, which I remember to have seen produced many 
years ago. As it was very fairly acted by some of the men not all, though, by 
any means and admirably by two of the ladies, in particular, the actress who 
played Pygmalion's jealous wife, and the charming ingenue who gave anew 
grace to the heroine the freshest thing by far I have seen iu my rounds I was 
not disappointed with my evening, and, on the whole, felt thankful for the 
interposition of an old play between my slumberous country existence and the 
new nistrionic experiences, which must, I felt, be awaiting me in my future 
adventures. But lo ! the further I fared, the staler grew the pieces. Original 
or adapted, it was all the same. If the English dress was new, the French original 
was safe to be old ; while, if the English was original, it was of an antiquity 
more or less venerable. 

Thus, at the Prince of Wales's, that delightful drawing-room house, which 
I have always associated with drawing-room plays of home growth, instead 
of a charming comedy of ROBERTSON'S, I found myself assisting at the 
performance an admirable one, I am bound to say of an adaptation from 

SARDOU'S comedy of Let Intimes, an old acquaintance 
in its original garb, and adapted more than once already ; 
in which the French figure showed through the English 
dress like a Mossoo masquerading as a Milord. 

At the Court, the Strand, and the Folly, I found myself 
equally safe from the shock of novelty. Here the staple 
of the entertainment was furnished by old friends, two 
Havmarket comedies, and one Olympic comedietta, 
which I had first enjoyed I won't say how many years 
ago long before I sank into my country slumber. 
True, if good acting can freshen old parts, there was a 
great deal of it employed in New Men and Old Acres ; 
while MR. CLARKE'S breadth of grotesqueness in Jleetle, 
Miss LYDIA THOMPSON'S grace in Mrs. Smylie, and 
Ma. LIONEL BROUGH'S unexaggerated truth in the north 
country manufacturer, Ironstone, gave much effect to 
the characters. But they couldn't make old plays new. 

At the Adelphi and the Princess's, still in my fearful 
search for novelty, I had to face nothing newer than 
two venerable melodramas, which have survived the 
shocks of repeated revivals. 

Hurrying thence to the Vaudeville, where some years 
ago I had seen a most amusing comedy of MR. BYRON'S 
most excellently acted, you may guess my relief to find 
the very amusing comedy still in the bills, and to learn 
that no change in the programme was expected for many 
years to come. 

At the Globe I was let down as easily by an old bur- 
lesque of my evergreen friend BLANCHE'S, which I 
remember to have laughed at when I was a little boy. 

At the Saint James's I was treated to a very well 
acted version of a French piece, which had had the 
gloss of novelty well taken off here and in Paris, by 
long runs in both capitals in its original French. 

Even at the Olympic, where the piece was new, it 
was the dramatised version of a novel that certainly was 

My last venture was at the Gaiety, and here, strange 
to say, I did find novelty, though in the experienced 
hands of an old, old, friend the TOOLE that never 
seems to lose point or edge, for all its hard work, in the 
long intervals between my naps, but looks always, each 
time I come upon it at work, as bright and sharp as ever. 
Here I saw, in Artful Cards, an English piece, built 
up out of an idea suggested by a French one, but Eng- 
lish in the cast of its fun, its jokes, dialogue, and treat- 
ment of incident ; English, above all, in its avoidance of 
impurity and impropriety. The shock to my nerves was 
sharp, but not insalubrious. I laughed till I cried at 
Artful Cards, and since then my sleep has been haunted 
by visions of TOOLE, struggling with a Trombone. 
There, too, I saw a BISHOP on the stage, who really did 
almost as much credit to the Bench, by his excellent 
performance on the Boards, as my liberal and large- 
minded friend, DR. FRAZER, of Manchester, by his 
appearance at the leading Manchester theatres the other 
day. This was the only performance that put my nerves 
to a severe trial, and showed me there was still some- 
thing new to be seen in a London Theatre, a fact which, 
hut for this, I might have doubted, and gone back to my 
repose in the comfortable conviction that on the boards 
at least all was as I left it when I fell asleep, I won't 
say how many years ago. 

Tours sincerely, RIP REDIVIVUS. 

Worse and Worse! 

KNOWING your wise horror of Ritualism, I beg 
to direct your attention to a startling novelty in vest- 
ments at St. James's, Hatcham, which I cull from this 
day's Standard. After the usual free fight, the offertory 
alms, says the reporter, " were collected by six of the 
Choirmen'in red bags " ! Such is the growth of the seed 
sown by MR. TOOTH ! No wonder the congregation, like 
the bulls in Spain, get excited, when they see the Choir- 
men walking about in red baas ! I certainly think the 
Bishop should write to MR. DALE. Surely he can be no 
party to such proceedings ? 



WE regret to see by the evening papers that Oysters are 
up again. The Natives have risen at Tangiers ! 

MARCH 17, 1877.] 









" BEEN round the Studios P " Why, of course. Have not notes of invitation 
been pouring in by every post? "Dear old man, give us your opinion." " Man 
cher vieux, your judgment is worth thousands. Come, then ! " " Dear P.. 
picture 's nearly ready. Do pop in as you pass ! " " Best of wags, come and 
chaff my canvas next Monday ! " &c., &e., &c. And so on by the dozen. 

Of course we are only mortal, and we have been tempted by the voice of the 
charmer in oils, marble, or terra-cotta, to advance snacks of .the banquet to be 
offered on the first Monday in May to the Art-loving Public. 

Mr. Punch publishes his impressions as copied from his note-book the fol- 
lowing day, to the best of his belief, though, by the way, he has no distinct 
recollection of what day it was on which he made the tour, but he is certain, 
if he has made any mistakes in his report, or appears to have got things mixed 
in any way, that it has nothing to do with the odd nips of Chartreuse, hospitable 
bumpers of Kcpderer, or passing thimblefuls of Imperial Tokay which kind and 
hospitable artists forced down his unwilling throat with a lavish bonhomie alto- 
gether irresistible. 

" To MILLAIS'S new Studio. Extraordinary state. Sumptuous arrangement 
of apartments. Serving-men in Moyen-Age liveries. Studio 150 by 70 feet. 
Priceless furniture. Unapproachable tapestries. Treasures of bric-a-brac. 
New pictures. Landscape, ' The Rustling of the Rushes 'Caledonia with the 
chill on. ' Rushes bending low ' as far as the eye can reach. "What a rush 
there will be to see it ! Portrait life-likeness of a British Beef-Eater. At the 
present prices of meat how long will there be such a thing left? This old 
hero might be the last of his race, and is worthy to bring up its rear ! (Cham- 

" Thence to LEIGHTON'S Italian palace. Velvet-skinned Signorine in Vene- 
tian costumes, and Greek maidens in pepla mustn't say ' urns ' take my hat 
and coat. A small black page appropriates, temporarily, my umbrella. Ushered 
into the presence. Entirely absorbed in the grand statue of ' The Acrobat 
and the Trombone.' (An officious friend persists in saying it is ' The Athlete 
and the Serpent.' We know .better.) Models are posing, in the most 

lovely attitudes, in all corners of the luxurious atelier. 
" Close by, to VAL PBINSEP'S, to see how the Delhi 

Eicture is getting on. The artist has had daily sittings 
com the crossing-sweeper in St. James's Square and the 
elephants from SANGEK'S, and, with the aid of regular 
lessons in Hindostanee from PUOKKSHOB MONIEK WIL- 
LIAMS, is rapidly getting into his canvas the genuine 
couleur locate. (Tiffin.) 

" On again, like Ifandering Jew. to MABCUS STONE'S. 
Wai it MAKCUS STONE or H. 8. MARKS? Well never 
mind! Capital picture, "whicheverlit was. 'Getting 
over the Old Style' was it? Costume of end of last 
century, I remember. No by Jove ! That must have 
been at Mias THOMPSON'S studio of coarse I remember 
now ' End of, the Last Sentry.' Expiring in the snow 
outside of Buckingham Palace. That's it. MABCUB 
STONE'S picture was ' Burning Shame,' and MARKS'H 
' Old King Cole and his Fiddlers Three.' Capital Testi- 
monial to the late Director of the South Kensington 
Museum. Splendid composition. Miss ELI/AHUM T. 
must be making no end of money. Just engaged Butler. 
' Heavy Charge ' Balaclava, not Butler. (Military 

" Perfect nest of studios. Fulham Avenue full of 'em. 
Suggestion to Board of Works for change of name. 
Call in on G. H. WILLS, Author-Artist, or Artist- 
Author forget which. Another palace. Simplex mun- 
ditiis. Not much furniture, but, what there is of it, 
sumptuous. Silks and satins everywhere one scarcely 
likes to put one's foot down for fear of treading on 
things. Grand subject' Cooking King Charles the 
First's Last Chop.' (Sitter beer in the native pewter.) 

" After Fulham, Chelsea, of course ! Down to 
WHISTLER'S' Whistle, and I '11 come to you, my lad ! ' 
Another artistic palace. Superb decorations. Japanese 
Octopi on a silver ground pervading the dining-room 
the arms embracing cornice, and the suckers studding 
ceiling. Am I here, or in Japan or China Chelsea 
China? Received with open arms, a war-whoop, and 
a mint julep. By Jupiter, what a sketch ! Beg ten 
thousand pardons ! what a finished picture! I mean 
that Fugue in blue-major, with pizzicato background. 
One delicious tone predominating in thirds through the 
entire composition. Whichever way the picture is hung, 
it conies nght. It is undeniably a Whistler. (Saki out 
of a six-mark jar.) 

"Here, Cabby! To the other Studios. 'Where?' 
Why, what was the name of the gentleman who painted 
' Noah laying in American Beef for the Ark ' t Well, 
never mind. There 's lots of Studios in St. John's 
Wood. No. not GEORGE LESLIE'S not yet, nor ARMI- 

TAGE'S let's see. Goto Is it CALD EBON'S, LONG'S, 

or ? 'Tis so ! Exactly. Drive to TISSOT'S. More 
next week. Here, Cabby ! Which picture did I like 
the best ? Oh ! ' You leave it to me '? Well, here 's 
five shillings. Go round the rest to-morrow or why 
should I go to expense of another cab s'p'ose I stay 
here, I shall have the rest going round now " 

Chinese Greek Fire. 

IN once more reconstructing the British Navy, our 
Government will probably have to follow the Chinese. The 
Celestials have begun naval reconstruction at the begin- 
ning, and have already learnt the alphabet, or at least 
the Alpha, Beta, Gamma, and Delta, of it, in the shape ot 
as many gun-boats of a better quality, both for fighting 
and sailing, than any in our own navy. It seems clear 
that little boats with big guns are to be the fighting ships 
of the future ; and JOHN BULL, if BRITANNIA is still to 
rule the waves, must get the start of JOHN CHINAMAN, 
and not let JOHN CHINAMAN learn his letters especially 
his Greek letters before JOHN BULL. 

ANEW ROUGHS' GUIDE, and Companion to the Blue 
Book, the Red Book, or the Upper Ten Thousand (designed 
to complete the Set). THE BLACK BOOK and PpLICE COUKT 
GUIDE, giving a full account of the oriein, family history, and 
achievements of the Lower Ten Thousand.* 

* [The Register of Habitual Criminals in England and Wales 
for the years 1869 to 1876 has just been printed in the printing 
works of Her llajesty'i prison, Brixton. The ponderous volume 
is bound in black, and contains the names of 12,164 criminals, 
with all their aliases. Times, March 7 ] 




[MARCH 17, 1877. 


(Pur AJ.-ATOLE DE LEsiER-scoriBE.) 

JE voudrais etre un beau berger blond 
Qui jouat du cornet a piston, 
Repondit au sonore 
Et doux nom d'IsiDOKE, 
Et connut son subjonctif a fond ! 

A COLOGNE est un maitre d'hotel 
Hors du centre du ventre ducjuel 
Pe projette une sorte 
De tiroir qui supporte 
La moutarde, et le poivrc, et le sel. 

L'IXOELLBM ArchevSque de Parrae 
Soupirait, en versant une larme . 

" Que de Liebig 1'Extrait 

A pour moi de 1'attrait ! 
Que le Bccuf d'Australie a du charme ! " 

" PAEFUM ! ideal <le mes reves ! 

En vains flots jusqu'a moi tu t'eleves ! 

Oui, j'ai beau t'aspir r, J 

Je ne puis digerer 
Ni ton lard, Plat biviii, ui tes (eves ! " 

MAHCII 17, 1877.] 




E have found it easier to call up the 
~ irrepressible PEPTS than to lay 
his perturbed spirit. Though _the 
Chinese Ambassador was anxious 
to have given us a report of last 
week's debates. he is particularly 
interested in the Naval Estimates 
since he took his trial-trip and 
fired the big gun aboard the Delta, 
and declares "Me no put piecee 
cotton 'in ears any more now" 
SAMUEL fairly hustled the amazed 
Celestial down the stairs of our 
office, and forced his own MS. upon 
our devil before the less self-asser- 
tive Chinaman could pull himself 
together. -- For a ghost, PEPYS is about the 
most solidly materialised spirit flesh and 
blood can come across, and a Chinaman, above 
all a littr itus, wasted by the competitive 
examinations of a lifetime, has no chance 
with him. 

The PBPTS reports are remarkable for their 
cool ignoring of all but what interests the 
author. Thus, on Friday, March 2, we find 
no word of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHE- 
QUER'S answer to MESSRS. MUNDELLA and 
SAMU ELSOJT , showing that the inquiries by the 
Philippolis Commission had been a farce, re- 
sulting only in the acquittal of TOSSOON BET, 
one of the worst offenders, and MR. BARING'S 
withdrawal in disgust from proceedings he 
could not control and would not countenance. 
But he bursts into the Declaration debate : 
The House to-night would no going back 
from the Declaration of Paris, for all MR. 

PEHCT WYNDHAM spoke mighty smart to show that if free ships were to be permitted to make free goods, England's power on the sea 
were as good as s-one in war time. And methinks it was pretty to hear Ministers, that some can remember loud and lusty in their knocks 
against your free-traders, fain to hold with them that the less war was allowed to meddle with neutral bottoms the better : and which, 
indeed, "is common sense for us that are oftenest neutral, and great carriers of goods by sea, and please God will long be so. And so I 
am glad to hear MR. BOURKE, and one so high-stomached on the other side as SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT, holding the same discourse ; 
and do see clearly that time opens the eyes even of your stiflest fanatiques, so you give them a reasonable turn of Office, which 
indeed is a great corrector of your high-flier. And I do take it as settled to-night, by 170 to 56, that free ships shall make free goods 
henceforth : and no more dispute thereof possible, methinks, to any good purpose, but indeed I know not it, failing dispute to good 
purpose, there be not some that must needs have it to no purpose at all. 

Monday. Talk among my Lords, but to no end, over a Bill of my LORD CAMPERDOWN for Election' of the Metropolitan Board of 
Works by Ratepayers instead of Vestries. My Lords did think no good would come'.thereof to the Board ; which, indeed, I know not, 
nor could learn, but would gladly have the best Board that may conveniently be gotten. But the Bill was negatived without a division. 

In the Commons, SIB C. LEGARD, and many country gentlemen at his back, have taken sore amiss a thing said by my LORD 
CHIEF JUSTICE COLERIDGE, tin a poaching case at the Durham Assizes, that he would give no certificate for costs in such cases, for 
that if gentlemen would make laws to protect the amusements of the rich, the rich must e'en pay for the maintaining of them. Which, 
I think, though it may be a true thing enough, was scarce a seemly saying for a Judge on the Bench, that should know nothing of law 
for rich or law for poor, but should look only to the law that he is set there to administer, and the breaking of it that he is bound to punish. 
Still, when one thinks of all the crimes that do come of poaching nowadays, one can understand that the Judge who has to punish 



[[MABCH 17, 1877. 


The Vicar. " AH ! BUT THIS is A LENT HORSE ! " 



crime may well feel sore at the thought that an amusement of rich 
men which certainly fowling be should cause the poor so much 
temptation. And. indeed, for all the cost of raising and keeping of 
game, there is, and ever will he, a difference in men's minds between 
killing wild things and stealing tame; and I do myself feel it, 'in 
spite of law, and, some do say,logic. Yet methinks the logic can 
scarce be all against them that think so. Still, I would not have 
a Judge own to this. So I was sorry my LORD JUSTICE COLEBIDGE 
gave back flout for flout, and wrote a high, huffing letter, denying 
the right of the House to call him to account. For I do see the 
House hath, or do claim, the right to call all to account, and will 
not that its right should be questioned. 

ME. GRANT DUFF, the sharp-faced, red-haired, thin man, that did 
mind me of a weasel the first time I saw and heard him, mighty 
keen to know who called back CAPTAIN BURNABY, of the Queen's 
Brigade of Guards, that had ridden to Khiva, and was using his eyes 
when there, as his legs to get there, and did ask whether if the 
recall came from our War Office, it came not from Russia, and thence 
round by the Foreign Office, which, MR. HARDY would not answer, 
and methinks the question a little troubled him. And I do hear 
that the more it is asked the less it is like to be answered. But I do 
not think that in the old Protector's time we would have bid back 
a Captain at the Muscovite's bidding, or any other foreign Prince's. 

Then MR. SECRETARY HARDY to moving of his War Estimates. 
But, lord ! to think how little in these days a Minister doth make to 
ask for nigh upon fifteen millions for one Office, which is three times 
as much as all the Offices together did cost in my time. Lord grant the 
money be but well spent. And he mighty pleased that all doth go 
so well with his Office, and recruits coming in merrily if somewhat 
small in stature and young in years, and doth hope promotion and 
retirement will soon go on as briskly as recruiting,, which I wish may 
be so, but do find many doubting, especially officers that do wait a 
promotion or wish for good terms of retirement. They that had 
abused the War-Office schemes mighty ready and large in apology ; 
above all one MURE, a Colonel, did. as it were, put his head under 
MR. SECRETARY HARDY'S foot, and ask to be danced on which, 
methought, was scarce seemly, though I am glad Mr. Secretary hath 

good ground to be so cheery : and, lord ! to think how different it 
was in my time, and how now your great heads of Offices must 
come cap in hand to the House of Commons, and how rejoiced they 
are when they have a good account to render of their Offices ; and 
how in my time we thought little of the Parliament, and much of 
the Offices, and I, for my part, would have taken it mighty ill if any 
under a Lord had meddled with the accounts or business of Our 
Office. And now all changed. And I do hope it is all for the better 
and do indeed think so, not being myself now in Office. 

Tuesday. In my Lords' House my LORD MIDDLETON was to have 
put a question touching my LORD CHTEI' JUSTICE COLERIDGE'S sharp 
saying of the law against poaching ; but as the same question had 
been put in the Commons the night before, my Lord did not put it. 

But methinks I may well be content that I hold my place no longer 
in Our Office, after I did hear MR. WARD HUNT, that is now First 
Lord Commissioner therein, so scurvily handled to-night by all manner 
of Members, great and small, for miscarriages aboard the Queen's 
ships, whereof all, big or little, at sea or in harbour, be now laid at the 
door of the Office, or on the back of the First Lord, so that he do 
seem to stand up in the House, as it were a popinjay for all to 
shoot at. Yet, indeed, he do bear him bravely enough, and some- 
times shot back stoutly. Though methinks there be much nowa- 
days in the ordering of our Fleet that were well otherwise, whereof, 
as the old saw hath it, "least said soonest mended." But, lord, 
when I think of Our Office in my time, how we had much ado to lay 
hold of four or five hundred thousand pound by the year, and 
these in odd moneys scrabbled up anyhow, and for months together 
neither cash, nor stores, nor credit, save as we might pledge our 
own, and all cheating the King that could, and the poor, honest 
seamen coming crying to us for their money, and lying dying 
nastily of their wounds and scurvy sores under the Office windows ! 
And now the ! Office may spend nigh on eleven millions by the year, 
and have it too, which is more, as they need, and never a day in 
arrear ; and all handsome and the best that money can buy both aboard 
the ships and in the Yards and the Office, and the Queen's credit as 
good as the biggest merchant's or goldsmith's in the City, or, indeed, 
better. And yet for all this I do think our Office be more girded at, 

MARCH 17, 1877.] 



and cried out upon now-a-days than it used to be in my time, save 
only on the head of money, for now all may have their dues, to the 
day, from the First Lord down, which is brave, and, as it seems to 
me, strange ; only no (rifts that I can hear of, and no commissions, 
at li'ast none openly allowed of ; which is worse for them in the 
Office ; so, methinks, with money, or without, it do come to much 
the same upshot. 

But 'tis plain to see that things be not more changed in the matter 
of money than in all besides about the ordering of the Fleet. For our 

at Deptford. And, methinks, for Captains, our ships now-a-days 
with their steam as they call it, and their nice engine work, slicm 
need rather such virtuosos as used to meet at Oresham House, like 
Silt (.'iiKisToi'imt WREN and SIR WILLIAM PETTY and other rare 
mechanique heads of that kidney, than your common tarry-breeched 
salt-water Captains like LAWSON and SPBAGOE, ana the rest 
that did so maul the Dutch in my time, who, indeed knew but what 
belonged to sailing and fight ing their ships, and there an end. Yet I 
could^not learn .that the Office had yet clapped hands on uch a 
virtuoso kind of Captains, but are still fain to be content with the 
old fighting and sailing sort, which amazes me, and I marvel how 
they have so changed all else aboard our ships, but yet the officers so 
little, and the Office not much, save, as I do rejoice to see, in the 
matter of money, that is now to be had for the asking. 

And, perhaps, when the Office do come by officers of the right 
virtuoso fashion, there will be fewer miscarriages aboard our ships 
that be now, methinks, like horses too strong and skittish for tneir 
riders. So there may come to be less crying out upon the Office and less 
shooting at my Lords, and not so much matter for hot talk, such 
as I heard to-night from Members. And I pray it may soon be so, 
for of all this fault-finding, I do see but little profit to the UCEEN, 
or the State, or the Ships, or the Office. 

Much merriment to-night by reason of Mil. SOLICITOR-GENERAL, 
that hath gone up and down seeking for a seat this long time past, 
and hath now found one, whereof 1 am glad, as methinks he should 
be. And he coming to the table to be sworn before the SPEAKER as 
is wont, could not find the warrant of his return ; and after much 
rummaging in all his pockets, whereof I think never man had more 
or fuller, was sore gravelled, till SIB WILLIAM HART DYKE was fain 
to go back to the new Members' place under the Gallery, where was his 
hat, and did straight find the return therein, and BO MR. SOLICITOR- 
GENEKAL did get to take the oaths at last. But, lord! to see how the 
House did laugh ! Though, indeed, a.little thing do divert them. 

Wednesday. SIR JOHN LTTBBOCK, a great virtuoso and rich, did 
move his Bill for the Preserving of Ancient Monuments, such as 
British stones, and mounds, and dykes, that have no beauty to com- 
mend them, only curious for antiquity, and now grievously made 
away with, as indeed I remember many in my time that are now 
long since carted off, or ploughed up, or broken for roads, or built 
into walls, or other uses. JjBut, lord ! to see how sharp some did speak 
against the Bill, that it should strike at property ; and how my Lord 
FRANCIS HERVEY, that, methpught, should have been wiser, did 
abuse the ancient Britons, that it amazed me to find such heat on 
such a matter, only I see your landlords do not like any meddling 
with the land for never no monuments, yet the Bill passed by 211 to 
103, and referred to a Select Committee, which methinks was 
reasonable. And, indeed, I do in most matters see much reason 
in -the Members of the House, for all their heats and over-much 
talking ; which pleases me, now that wellnigh everything is laid on 
their hands. 

Thursday. In the Lords' House talk of Cattle Plague, that it 
seems do now spread sore, for all the Lords of the Council can do ; 
and I am sorry for it. 

In the Commons many questions, and little told in the answer- 
ing them ; as, indeed, I do see this is great part of the craft of 
Ministers now, to answer, and yet say nothing. MR. GRANT DBTF 
did inquire again of the Captain that was called back from Central 
Asia to please the Muscovites ; but the Secretary for War, as 
before, did refuse to say wherefore. And methinks this a matter 
the ( Xlice would not have inquired into. So I am sorry they should 
be vexed with all this questioning of it. 

Much tali over a Valuation Bill that I could not understand, nor 
the House either, methought, save some City and Country Gentle- 
men, that did talk mighty long and dull, till the Bill was read a 
Second Time at nigh one o'clock in the morning, and I asleep. 

Friday. I did come to the House to-night expecting to see the 
Ministers hoised by a petard from their own camp, one MR. READ, 
an honest, plain countryman, that once held an office, but was too 
stiff for his place, having a Resolution for the naming of Boards for 
County Business, part of Magistrates and part to be chosen by Boards 
of Guardians. But the Government, rather than be beaten by_ the 
joining of some of their own with most of the other side, was fain to 
agree \ to the Bill, and did it handsomely enough, though it was 
plain to see the morsel did somewhat stick in some of their gullets. 


N moving, on the second read- 
ing of the Bill for the Removal 
of the Electoral Disabilities of 
Women, that it be read this day 
six months, MR. HAN- 
BURY may avail him- 
self of an addition to 
the stock arguments 
based on women's 
natural disabilities. 
It .has already been 
urged by the oppo- 
nents of feminine 
emancipation that 
women are unfit to 
vote for Members of 
Parliament, because, 
although ladies are 
generally taught 
music, there has never 
yet arisen a first-rate 
female Composer. The 
same proof that 
Woman is inferior to 
Man might be drawn 

i roin the f act ' thftt the 

world has not yet seen 
a woman of any note 
to speak of as a female 
conjuror. There never arose amongstVomankind a match for ROBERT 
HOUDIN, nor any Witch to mate theWizard of the North. Yet every- 
body knows how girls are trained up to practise witchery in their own 
way. Time was, too, when witches were,believed, not only by dolts 
but divines of the period, to ride on broomsticks ; and not long ago 
a " medium" suitable to a side-saddle was declared by Spiritualists 
to have been transported three miles, and in through closed doors, or 
walls, or down a chimney, on to a table. But no such performance 
of witchcraft was ever publicly exhibited. At MASKELYNE AND 
COOKE'S seances MB. COOKE "floats in the room, taking with him the 
cabinet in which he is secured." Whatever may have happened in 
days of old, or may now happen in private circles, on the open plat- 
form COOKE stands unrivalled, and MASKELYNE has no competitor of 
his own gender, still less of the feminine. In public conjuring even 
male " mediums " never rise to mediocrity, and those of the other 
sex can hardly conjure at all. So the Hon. Member for Tarn worth will 

("contend that Women 
because they are no 

be able, if .ungallant enough, unanswerably to'contend that Women 
are unfit to exercise the elective franchise} 1 



As the Public, in its thirst for information, is being supplied with 
the topics of to-morrow and a digest of the day after, there is no 
saying where the journalist will stop in his desire to assuage the 
craving of the literary customer, who wants to know what is going 
to happen. Mr. Punch proposes therefore the issue of a publica- 
tion, to be called 

" THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK." (Price 6d.) 

The first Number (to be issued as soon as the enormous steam- 
presses required for the colossal circulation in prospect have been 
erected) will contain leaders on the great anti-IoNATTEFF speech 
that LORD BEACONSFIELD is Ipreparing in the House of Lords ; on 
Political and Military Reforms in Turkey ; and on MR. CHAPLIN'S 
heavy counter, when he gets a chance of giving it to MR. GLADSTONE 
in the House of Commons. These will be followed by a sporting leader 
on the merits of the winning boat in the Oxford ana Cambridge Race, 
with details of the race, and account of the accident sure to come to 
Ma. SMASH A WAY'S steam-launch, and the block thus occasioned on'.the 
river opposite the Limes at Mortlake. Several pages, under the 
heading " On Dira," will contain satirical repartees in contempla- 
tion by political Leaders, and witticisms about to be perpetrated 
by diners-out, burlesque writers, and popular journalists. 

In fact that most attractive of all virtues in literary or artistic 
work, the imprfcu, will season everything, and secure, it is con- 
fidently anticipated, for the new publication a circulation larger 
than the largest circulation in the world, so extensively proclaimed 
on the hoardings. 

Only Sixpence, and on goes the Donkey into The Middle of Next 
Week ! 

that HAYES settles down. 



[MARCH 17, 1877. 


<d description) to Verya: ' DON'T YOU THINK IHOSK YOUTHS HAD i 


Old Gentleman (shocked beyond description) to Verya: ' DON'T YOU THINK THOSE YOUTHS HAD BKTTKK BE TOLD TO TAKE TBEIII 


(A Squabble well setlkd.) 

" Iron-clad ships differed from the old ships which composed the Navy 
in almost every particular. . . . He did mean to assert that not sufficient 
money was expended in employing proper Engineer Officers to look after the 
machinery of our ships. . . . He contended that the present system of offi- 
cering our ships did not reflect the altered condition of the times in which we 
were living." MB. SEED in the Debate on Admiralty Administration. 

Vulcan.' NEPTUNE, old man, you 're passt. Best relire ! 

And trust me to blowup our naval fire. 

Ask I ; i . i . 1 1 ! 
Neptune. As well ask PAN. A man will blow 

His private pipe, although 'tis cracked. 
Vulcan. Oho ! 

Your boatswain's pipe, old boy, is out of tune 

Neptune. Shall a land-lubber my command impugn ? 
Vulcan. We want no Argos now I That style of barque 

Is as much out of date as Noah's. Ark. 

/ build ships now. 

Neptune. And sink 'em ! 

Vulcan. No, not I, 

But your old dockyard mates, laid high and dry. 

Nay, you may puff, old man, till all is blue, 

Iron-clads are too much for them, and you. 
Neptune. I 've room for all the pots you choose to sink'; 

But they make ugly corpses, and I think 

You might as well blow up the things yourself, 

And not crowd out my Nereids. 
Vulcan. There 's the shelf : 

Resign your empire to more skilful hand, 

And find some other realm for your command. 
Neptune. Never ! You 've marred the earth, leave me the.main. 
Vulcan. You '11 find, old salt, your stubbornness is vain. 

Iron and Steam are uppermost, that 's clear ; 

Earth's first lieutenant is the Engineer. 
Neptune. No, not first last ! Belay ! Or say we share 

Command quite large enough to task the pair t 
Vulcan. Well, here's BRITANNIA. Let 's both state our case, 

And have it out before her face to face. 
Neptune. Aye aye boy Heave ahead 
Vulcan (to Britannia). Hem ! Things at sea 

Aren't going pleasantly. 

Britannia. No, not for me. 

Vulcan. Nor won't till with your ships your ratings square : 

Old NEP'S boys have till now had lion's share 

Of pay, rank, prize-money. 

Neptune. Come, stow your noise ! 

Vulcan. The time has come that I and my brave boys. 

Should have our turn. You see his blood has cooled, 

Since NELSON'S Hearts of Oak the ocean ruled. 
Britannia. My pockets tell me that. 
Vulcan. His Naval Nobs 

Set my young engineers the stiffest jobs ; 

And each new problem, each perplexing riddle, 

Leads them a dance, to tune of second fiddle. 

Yet NEPTUNE and his Admiralty Masters, 

At my and their door lay their late disasters. 

' Taint fair ! Prestige, pay, power his fellows hold, 

While mine are snubbed and left out in the cold ; 

Till in hot water his chaps splash about, 

And then mine are called in to get ' em out. 
Neptune. At reeling jaw out, short of you I come, 

But there 's no need for slack. You know me, Mum. 
Britannia. I do, dear NEP, and don't intend to sack 

So old and tried a servant. 

Neptune (triumphantly). Keep that tack ! 

Britannia. But NEP, old salt, although you 're brave as blunt, 

And love yard-arm to yard-arm, like WARD HUNT, 





* b 
w o 



ft O 

H ^ 





w c 








MARCH 17, 1877.J 



Your case, like his, is shaky in the joints, 

And Kate, like HKED, will hit the weakest points. 

Let VULCAN replate these. Things du look queer 

Aboard my ships. We need the Engineer. 
Vulcan (triumphantly). Didn't I say so ? 
llritannla (pointing to NsrTUttx). Yes as we need him.' 

BRITANNIA'S Navy must both fight and swim. 

Well manned, well, handled 'twill stand war and 
weather ; 

For this I want you both to pull together. 

So shake hands, NKP, with your new mate ! No sulks ! 

There 's work for both aboard my iron hulks. 

Let future fair make unfair past amends, 

And you may vet turn out the best of friends ! 

[Exeunt NEPTUNE and VULCAN arm-in-arm. 


//* Inquiries of a liritish 
Official on Leave. 

PARIS, Monday 
Arrived in this city, and 
made up my mind to look 
into the monetary matters 
of the country. Went to 
leave my card at the Minis- 
tt-re des Affaires Etrange'res. 
On my return to my hotel 
found a telegram awaiting 
me from the Treasury, 
ordering me not on any 
account to inquire into 
French finance, for fear of 
wounding the susceptibili- 
ties of the Government of 
MARSHAL M \cM.\uox. 

BERLIN, Tuesday 

(a week later). 
Arrived here, with the 
intention of informing my- 
self as to the organisation, 
administration, and work- 
ing of the German military 
system ; left my card with 
mv return to my hotel found a telegram awaiting me from the War- 
Office, desiring me on no account to go within five miles of a 
German fort, garrison town, or barracks, or to hold any conversation 
with a soldier, for fear of irritating the susceptibilities of PRINCE 

VIENNA, Thursday (a week later). 

Arrived here and arranged with our second Secretary of Legation 
to examine the returns of the local manufactures, which are said to be 
rapidly advancing. On my return to my hotel found a telegram 
from the Board of Trade, forbidding me to make any inquiries 
bearing on Austrian Commerce, in consideration of the natural 
jealousy of British enterprise on the 'part of the authorities at 

CONSTANTINOPLE Friday (a week later). 

Being detained here by stormy weather, thought I might as well 
employ myself in finding out what I could about the position of the 
(lovernment Loans and the British Bondholder ; walked to our 
Embassy to ask the help of one of their dragomans. On my return 
to my hotel found a telegram from the Foreign .Office ordering me to 
leave Turkish money matters alone. 

ALGERIA, Saturday (a week later). 

Arrived here, and started to deliver some letters of introduction 
likely to forward my object of observing the practical working of 
the French system of colonisation. On my return to my hotel found 
a telegram from the Colonial Office desiring me to do nothing of the 

ROME, Sunday (a week later). 

Arrived here in hopes to improve the opportunity by looking into 
the position of affairs between the KINO and the TOPE. Called to 
leave card on the new English Cardinal, an old acquaintance. On 
my_ return to my hotel, found a rather curt, and anything but dig- 
nified, telegram from the Privy Council Office, begging me not to 
poke my nose into ecclesiastical questions, which no lay mind was 
qualified to understand. 

EGYPT, Monday (a week later). 

Arrived here, and proposed testing the feeling oi the people 
propos of the newly-appointed English officials and our acquisition 
of the Suez Canal shares. On my return to my hotel, found a tele- 
gram from the India Office, ordering me to be off at once. 

NIKOLAIEF, Tuesday, 2 P.M. 

Arrived here, and determined to make a few inquiries about the 
Russian Fleet. 

Tuesday. 2'10 P.M. 

Received telegram from the Admiralty and all the other Offices 
"Consider yourself under arrest, and come home immediately." 
End f my holiday. 


To an epitome of the preliminary report of the Arctic Committee, 
lately transmitted to the First Lord of the Admiralty, the Sanitary 
Record appends the observation that 

" It will be Been that the whole result of the inquiry may be summed up 
tersely in the word* of SURGEON GOLAN, that in any future sledge expedi- 
tions if anything has to be left behind, it should be the rum and not the limr- 
juice. It was this conviction which led us in the first instance to challenge 
the course pursued by CAPTAIN NAKBS in sending the rum and leaving out 
the lime-juice, and we can but rejoice, in the interests of the Service, that 
this inquiry has resulted in so unanimous and so complete a confirmation of 
that view. 

It may be said that lime-juice is no more a preventive of curvy 
than vaccination of smallpox ; and some may gay this disbelieving 
that smallpox is preventible by vaccination. CAPTAIN NARES, how- 
ever, is not one oi those fools. He " decided not to send lime-juice 
on the sledging parties on account of the difficulty of carrying and 
melting it," and would on any future sledge expedition "certainly 
so modify the, arrangements as to admit of sending lime-juice." To 
be sure, and one obvious way of modifying the arrangements for 
that purpose would be to send the lime-juice in combination with 
the rum. Add some quantity of sugar. Everybody knows how to 
name the liquid which those ingredients would form, and were it to 
congeal, what would it then be but iced punch? A compound 
universally celebrated as a remedy for " the gout and colic and the 
phthisic " would doubtless be found most effectually antiscorbutic. 
I >n. COLAN may be quite right in saying that, if anything has to be 
left behind by Arctic explorers, it should be the rum and not the 
lime-juice ; but by far the preferable, as the more comfortable plan, 
would surely be to leave neither behind, but to take both, which 
would he easily managed by the simple expedient aforesaid, of 
mixing them together. This, if adopted, would have the further 
advantage of ensuring the specific for scurvy to be duly swallowed. 
Sailors are prone to shirk lime-juice pure and simple, but there is 
little fear that JACK would ever decline the acid in union with the 
other elements of the mixture abovenamed, if only its alcoholic 
portion sufficed him. 


IF the First Lord of the Admiralty knew or minded his SHAK- 
SPEARE as he ought, he would not perhaps have answered the 
allegation that the Vanguard sank because there were holes in her 
bulkhead, by the excuse that " they were very small holes." Had 
he read, marked, learned, and inwardly digested the divine WIL- 
LIAMS, he might have learned that as a little hole will as effectually 
do for a man as a great hole, if only the little one is sufficiently 
large, so will it serve as effectually to sink a man-of-war. A rapier 
thrust had made a little hole in the chest of Mercutio. Let MR. 
WARD HUNT perpend JHercutio't answer to his friend Romeo's 
suggestion that " the hurt cannot be much " : 

" Mercutio. No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door, 
but 'tis enough 'twill serve ; ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a 
grave man. 1 am peppered, I warrant, for this world." 

Our Minister seems to have needed to be taught that the little 
bole in a man's side that will let out the life has its counterpart in 
the little hole in the side of an ironclad which is big enough to let 
in the water, albeit " only a little one." But perhaps he will ever- 
more bear this point in mind hereafter in dealing with the appoint- 
ment of Officers such as those by whose arrangements, although 
they may have been "not absolute idiots," the Vanguard, in 
consequence of some of those little holes being left open in her 
bulkhead, went to the bottom. 

Definition for Diplomats. 

TREATY. An International Agreement between two or more 
Powers, which each and all of the contracting parties will punc- 
tually fulfil, when the time conies for doing so, unless they think 
that the safest and most advantageous course to pursue, is to back 
out of it, and not otherwise. 

DEATH IN THE MILK-PAIL. Le Crime de la Creme. 



[MARCH 17, 1877. 





CHAP. V.Tf>e Able-bodied Seamen depart in a Coffin-rigged Vessel, 

AND how many handa are aboard the Albert Ross, think you ? 

Only nine; and the Captain is but seventeen years old. This^is 
economy on the part of 
the owners. But, alas! 
the Albert Ross will 
suffer as other vessels 

have suffered, and, as 
my friend ME. WH-L- 
L-Y, of Peterborough, 
would say the Roman 
Catholics in England 
suffer, from a long 
course of Under-Man- 
ning. But that is his 
joke, not mine ; and he 
is earnest about his 
work, as I am about 
mine. So heave ahead ! 
and let me pitch the 
next line overboard. 

The Stevedore held 
the policy for 500,000 
in his pocket. The 
Junior Warden joined 
him, and grasped his 
hand. They, the Own- 
ers, were safe. If only 
DON JOSE'S rival in 
the affections of MAHY 
MAYBTJD, would but 
come out of gaol and 
embark on board the 
Bad Ship Albert Ross ! 
The Junior Warden 
had other matters on 
his mind which no less 
concerned the Steve- 
dore. It was to his, the 
Warden's, interest, and 
for their joint safety, 
that MAEY should be 
the Stevedore's bride. 
Thus their interests, 
like their capital, were 

The moon slowly 
rose, and cast a dull 
light on the scene. 

"We understand one 
another ? " asked the 
Stevedore of his com- 
panion, in a hoarse 

"Ay, ay! " replied 
the other, in the same 

;'The Skipper, the 
ship's husband, with 
the first and second 
Mates, the Parser (who pays out), the Scuttler (who looks after the 
coals), and the third Mate with five hands." 

' A useful person this last." 

' Very handy. But we have been one too many for him." 

' Is the fate of the ship assured ? " 

' Yes, assured as you know insured. The ship is overloaded. 
It load-line is painted high up over a false level." 

' Who did that ? " asked the Stevedore, anxiously. 

' The painter, of course." 

1 But he will split," returned the Stevedore. 

'The Ship's Painter split!" replied the other, disdainfully. 
Not he ! He is overboard by this time ! " and the ruffian laughed 
Could such a scoundrel be really the father of MAEY MAYBTJD ? 

If so, how was it that his name was GBOGHLOSSOM ? * We shall 

" I understand " said the Stevedore, darkly frowning. "The 
grain will be overpacked ; on the voyage it will swell, it will gra- 
dually burst the sacks, distend itself upwards, force the seams of 
the boards 

"Which are only secured with sham bolts," interposed the 

"Ay, ay devils all and then the mas^s will go overboard, and 
(fie ship, if once filled with water in every part, with all hands must 
sink to the bottom."^ 

" Then she is certain to go to the bottom ? " asked the Warden. 
" Sure ! " replied the Stevedore. 

"Since that is the 
case, you will at once 
sign the bond which 
binds us together to the 
deed, by which you 
undertake that the snip 
shall go to the bottom 
within a certain time." 
And so saying he pro- 
duced a parchment. 

This parchment, with 
its seals and Govern- 
ment stamps, is called 
a "Bottomry Bond." 
The drawer of such a 
bond undertakes that the 
ship in his possession 
shall go to Davy Jones's 
Locker within a speci- 
fied period. 

These Bottomry Bonds 
are drawn only by the 
Wardens of Sink Ports. 
It is one of the old 
feudal privileges yet 
remaining to them. I 
trust before long to see 
this iniquitous system 

"Just so. But 
hark ! " and the Junior 
Warden lifted up his 
hand to arrest the 
Stevedore's attention. 

A shrill whistle. 

The Bo'sen's call to 
summon all hands 

What of him ? 

There are other 
Devils besides sham 
ship's bolts, and these 
seemed to mix them- 
selves up in the Steve- 
dore's affairs, for at 
that moment WILLIAM 
TAILLETJB, released 
from prison, stepped 
from the Quay on to the 
deck of the Albert Ross. 

The word was given 
to weigh anchor. 

Theanswer, of course, 
was that it weighed 
exactly a hundred tons. 

The reply to this 
(from the Captain) was 
rude in the extreme. 

* We have already asked this question. ED. f Fact. S. P. 

J So do we. But surely this isn't the real meaning of a Bottomry Bond ? 
We are not Maritime Lawyers, but we certainly think there must be some 
error. To this effect we have written to the learned and enthusiastic Author. 

Answer from the Learned and Enthusiastic.- Founded on fact. Sounds 
all right, I mean it sounds all wrong. Yours, S. P. 

{ I wouldn't have believed this statement if I hadn't seen it myself, but 
it's a fact for which I can vouch, vide my pamphlet under the head of 
Defective Construction. When a ship's timbers are held together by only 
plumbago or black-lead pencil bolts, called Devils (for the same reason that a 
junior barrister is so termed when he's doing the work of a senior), if she 
doesn't go down the very deuce is in it ! S. P., M.P. 

MARCH 17, 1877.] 




SCENE British Jury Room, All agreed on their Verdict except 
Irish Juryman (who holds out}. "An, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTIMT' MEN I uivia MET IN ALL MB LOIFB ! 1 " 

So the bad ship Albert Ross left her moorings, and slowly sailed 
out of the Harbour. 

A boy said to another boy, as she passed along, My eye I 

A policeman observed to another policeman, " By Jingo . 

The harbour-master sighed heavily, and went in to supper. 

A mild, near-sighted gentleman exclaimed, "Dear me! 

Two workmen observed to one another, " Darned if they wouldn 1 
rather do nothing for forty shillings a week on shore than work 
without wages on board that there ship for a month. 

Amid such Caseandra-like predictions of woe, the Albert Ross was 
steaming out of Newport-Pagnell, with WILLIAM TAILLEUR aboard, 
when a lithesome figure, in the costume of a Middy, sprang from tht 
pier-head and alighted safely on the vessel. 

The Stevedore on shore, with a glass in his wicked eye, alone 
recognised the person. 

" Perjingos / " exclaimed the Spaniard. " It is MAEY MAYBUD ! ' 

It was she indeed in disguise. 

And it was too late to stop the bad coffin-ship Albert Ross, with 
its deadly shrouds and false load-line, on its outward-bound course 
to the Bottom of the Deep, Dead Sea. 

(To be continued,) 

"Keeping Watch o'er the Life of Poor Jack." 

THE"! brig No' frame , from Liverpool to Africa, "laden with 
coals, gunpowder (very badly stowed), and paraffin^ oil, made a good 
deal of water," clearly the wisest coxirse under the circumstances, 
and her crew refused to proceed also wisely. * 

A member of the Government, in an after-dinner speech, said 
that "no idea was likely to enter the head of any responsible 
adviser of HER MAJESTY whereby a single button of our sailors' 
jackets would be placed in jeopardy from any matters arising out of 
the internal administration^ the Turkish Empire." 

Comparing these two announcements, JACK will be likely to 
exclaim, " Dash my buttons but don't blow me up." 


(A Halcham.Bull.) 

DEAR CROOM and dear PLIMPTON, all thanks for your letter. 

Go on as you 're doing j you couldn't do better. 

Just put that schismatical ass in a fix 

Who wants to score honours by trumping our tricks. 

The half-hearted scoundrel, the mealy-mouthed dog . 

Give me a down-righter who goes the whole hog : 

I must own some respect for a knock-me-down ranter ; 

Trot and gallop I like, but I can't stand a canter ! 

The notion of standing, while all the rest sit, 

Was simply delicious : I thought I should split, 

When I heard how you balked him, and bothered, and worried 

No wonder, I 'm sure, the poor creature was flurried. 

But the row t'other day went a leetle too far : 

If you try votes defait there 's a danger you '11 mar 

A sweet little plan which were nipped in the bud 

If you gave the foe notice, or stirred up my Lud. 

At present, you see, I am forced to be dumb : 

The Doctors forbid all excitement so mum! 

But bide we pur time, and some sunshiny mornjng, 

Without giving DALE and his myrmidons warning, 

We '11 break in, as they broke fair reprisals, you know - 

If they use the jemmy, why not we the crow P 

Once in, we 're the masters ; we '11 lead 'em a dance,, 

Make each hair stand on end in the wig of PENZANCE. 

Good-bye, dear Churchwardens ; we fight for the truth. 

Get the fallals in order. Yours ever, 



THE QUEEN has invited I'ncle Tom (REV. J. HBNSON) to visit her 
Windsor Castle is, in future, to be called Uncle Tom's Cabin. 



[MARCH 17, 1877. 





'Igh Figure." This way ! [ They enter the " High Figure." 

m. I suppose ? Sweet, or dry ? 


SCENE Bond Street. BROWN, Bond Street butcher, discovered teith JONES, Bayswater 
butcher. To them enter ROBINSON, Bermondsey butcher. 

Robinson. How are you both ? You look down in the mouth. 

Brown. We are, and reason good, JONES. Have you seen Punch ! (Producing last week's 

Robinson. Look at that ! Bos Americanus f I knowthat " boss " is an American word, 
and means " 'ead," and our friend in the air seems to have got it from the bull's 'orns. 
Why, gracious ! if it ain't an 'it at us ! A drop of something short, or I shall faint ! 

Brown. My dear fellow, I cannot be seen going into a common pub. ! 

Jones. Nor I. The days are passed when our fathers used to frequent public-houses of a 
night, and smoke clay pipes, and drink beer.. We have our Clubs. Let us go to mine " The 

Brown. Or mine the " ' 

Jones. A bottle of " cham 

Robinson. I hear the nobs always drink dry. 

Jones. Then dry for me. 

Brown, Waiter ! Bottle of dry champagne. 

Waiter. Yes, Sir. Perry Jewit or 'Eidzic ? 

Jones. Oh, the dearest, I say. 

Waiter. Yes, Sir. 

Jones. Why give it a name ? What 's the odds of names ! A chap 's safe with the 
dearest or should be. 

Brown. So one should and with meat, too, as well as drink ! 

Robinson and Jones. Ha! ha! \_Tliey drink. 

Brown. Now, what is to be done about this here American meat ? We must unite ! Eh 

Jones. Long life to the American meat ! say I. Here 's its jolly good health ! 

Brown. What, are you mad ! 

Jones. Ha ! ha 1 Not a bit of it ! My customers is mostly what they call the middling 
classes, and doosid middling they are too, some of 'em. Well, they don't like to ask for 
cheap stuff, so I lets 'em have it without asking. 

Brown and Robinson. Shame ! 

Jones. Just you wait a bit. MRS. SWEL- 
LINGTON comes into the shop and says, 
" JONES, I want a nice sirloin of beef, real 
Highland beef." "You shall have it, 
Mum," says I. " 'Ow muchf" gays she. 
"Shilling a pound " says I. "That's 
dear ! " says she. " Well, it ain't my fault, 
Mum," says I. " I don't make any profit 
on it. It 's all along o' the dearness of 
coals." Well, she gits her jint, and she 
pays me a shilling a pound. 

Brown and Robinson. Well ? 

Jones. So it is well jolly well con- 
siderin' that I was a-selhn' her American 
beef all the time and a-chargin' her 
English prices. So here 's American beef, 
I says! 

Robinson. Ditto to JONES, I say. Now 
here 's my game : " American meat ? 
Lor' bless you," says I, "you won't like 
it when you get it ; but, if you will 'ave it, 
you must. 'Ere you are, the very best, 
nine-pence a pound." And next day back 
they comes, and tell me they don't like it, 
ana sticks to English, in future, like 

Brown to Robinson. Our friend JONES'S 
experience is different from yours, you see. 

Robinson. No it ain't. He sells 'em 
American beef for English at English prices, 
and I sells 'em English beef such as it 
is" for American at American prices. 
There 's beef and beef ain't there P 
English or American. 

Brown. All very well for you fellows in 
the unaristocratio quarters. I needn't to 
come any low game of that sort. I 've only 
to say to my customers, " I don't keep it. 
Bond Street is not the place for such 
things," and they look ashamed of them- 
selves for asking about it, and take what I 
choose to give them, at my prices. That 's 
your style ! 

Jones. Ah! that's your style ; but it ain't 
ours, worse luck. 

Robinson. 'Owever, that's neither here 
nor there the pint is, how are we to silence 
all this nasty cry agin the butchers 

Jones. And how to muzzle Punch ? 

Apparition of Punch rises. 

Apparition. Listen to me. I will tell 
you now to do both. You will all have to 
sell this American meat, or else reduce 
your prices for English. Your customers 
are tired of you. You, BROWN, will in 
future supply the DUKE OF FIVE STARS 
with the meat, he asks for, irrespective of 
nationality. You, JONES, will sell American 
meat by American names as well as for 
American prices. As for you, ROBINSON, 
twelve months' hard labour would do you 
good, as well as those who supply you. 
Reform your practices, and reduce your 
prices, or it will be the worse for you." 

[Apparition disappears. 

Butchers. Worse than reducing prices! 
That would be a bad business ! 

[Exeunt butchers, jointly and severally, 
in deep thought. 

Faith and Functions. 

A LADY'S-MAID WANTED in the Country. 
She must dreea hair well and make dresses 
well, get up collars and cutrs. Must be a Pro- 
testant, and call Mrs. S at half-past 6 

o'clock. Wages 20, and 1. Gel. for washing. 
Address, &c. 

The Advertiser must be related to the 
Lady who recorded of MRS. JONES, in her 
epitaph, that "she played on the harpsi- 
chord, and painted in water-colours ; and 
of such is the kingdom of Heaven." 

MARCH 24, 1877.] 





BAH gives us an article on "The Excessive Influence 
of Women." Punch offers the Author the following "casus omitti" 
of this influence : 

MB. HAUGHTY HENPECK was heard to tell his friend FITZ-GEOROE 
that the O'MiLLiONS were " snobs," and that he would not set foot 
in their house again. MB. HENPECK subsequently had an interview 
with his wife, when they accepted an invitation to dine with the 
O'MILLIONS on the following Thursday. 

MB. JACK GOLIOHTLY was lamenting the folly of those of his 
friends who, after marriage, gave up their Club and even their 
smoke. Since JACK married Miss TAME-TYGEB he hag neither been 
teen in his Club nor with a cigar in his mouth. 

MB. WILBERFOBCE FuNKiT said his mother-in-law should never 
set foot in the house again. Two days after, his wife's mother 
arrived, tied a white glove on the knocker, and put WILBERFOBCE 
to sleep in a closet under the stairs. 

MB. PATERNOSTER Row said he would publish no more rubbish 
written by women. A new three-volume novel by his wife is, how- 
ever, on his list of forthcoming works. 

ME. CHABLIE HAWKER asserted that the Boat Race was all rot, and 
that he would go to it no more. After calling on Miss FLOBBT 
BRIGHT WIN he was heard to order a barouche for the morning of the 
2-lth inst. 

MR. GRINDER GRUMPY, after stating that his wife should 
spend no more in frippery this month, inadvertently took a walk 
with MRS. G. G. down Regent Street. In half an hour he had 
spent thirty shillings on a bonnet, and thirty guineas on a for cloak. 

Mr. Punch, who had been reading various new periodicals, was 
heard to say that he didn't know what women were coming to in 
these days ; but, coming home from an evening party, he went to 
bed with visions of many fair forms, and was heard to mutter in his 
sleep that the dear creatures were as good and beautiful as ever. 


(An Ideal Idyl.) 

After the Judgments in the Lisbon Tramways, and the 
Sombrero Phosphate Company. 

SCENK The Sanctum of MR. GOLDEN GREATHEART, the eminent 
Promoter. Plain office-furniture, with comfortable easy chairs 
for Visitors. Near a desk a wooden stool. Tracts, the " Sunday 
at Home " and " The Leisure Hour," on a side-table. Portraits 
of well-known Philanthropists and views of the Peabody 
mansions hanging from the walls. JOHN and MART (Servants) 
putting the place to-rights. 

John. How good our Master is, MARY ! It is a pleasure to serve 

Mary. Indeed it is, JOHS. When I am in his presence I feel 
as if I were in church. His refining influence has turned us from 
" h "-dropping menials into Gentlemen and Lady Helps. 
John. Hush ! he is here ! 

[Enter MR. GHEATHEAKT, to soft religious music. The Servants 
kneel to receive their Master's blessing, and then exeunt. 

Mr. Greatheart. How pleasant it is to be so respected and so 
loved ! And yet I but obey the law. By the judgments in the 
cases of the Lisbon Tramways and the Sombrero Phosphate Com- 
pany the relation of Promoter to purchaser of shares is shown to 
be the same as that of Solicitor to client, Guardian to ward, and 
Spiritual Adviser to penitent ! Happy privilege to advbe men tor 
their good, to spend my fleeting wealth for the benefit of my fellow- 
creatures ! Ah, Charity virtue of virtues ! how my heart yearns 
towards thee! (Enter JOHN.) Well, my good friend, what do you 
want with me ? 

John. Dear Master, a young gentleman wishes to see you on 
business, he says. 

Mr. Greatheart. Bid him enter, my good JOHN. All honest men 
are welcome here. But,, stay ! The Lunar Exploration Company, 
into which I advised you to put your savings, is about to be 
wound up. 

John (dismayed). Then I shall lose twenty-seven pounds eight 
shillings and ninepence-halfpenny ! 

Mr. Greatheart. Not so! I, as Promoter, have returned the 
purchase-money with 5 per cent, interest this last as a bonus. All 
the loss will be mine : a trifle some hundred thousand pounds ! 

Jiihn (struggling with his emotion). My dear, dear Master, how 
can I sufficiently show my gratitude F 

Mr. Oreatheart. By keeping my conduct a secret. You owe me 

no gratitude I do but obey the law. And now show in the visitor. 

[Exit Joiix, and re-enter, ushering in ALFRED KNEEDY. 

Alfred. 1 trust you will pardon this intrusion, Sir I am but a 
poor man. 

Mr. Greatheart. And, as such, the more welcome. In this room 
many fortunes have been made, and many have been lost (aside, 
with a slight sigh) but all my own. (Aloud.) My excellent JOHN, 
you can leave us. (JOHN kneels, receives blessing, and exit.) And now, 
my friend, what can I do for you ? But first take that easy chair 
this wooden stool will do for me. [They seat themselves. 

Alfred. Honesty is the best policy, Sir. I will be bold, and 
speak my mind. I come to ask you to promote the Patent Potato- 
Leaf Gunpowder-Tea Company. 

Mr. Greatheart. Do you know, young Sir, that, were I to consent 
to your request, I might have to sink in that enterprise the re- 
mainder of a fortune already greatly compromised by recent failures ? 

Alfred. I said I would be frank , Sir : I do know this. 

Mr. Oreatheart. And yet you ask me ! Ah, then, you must have 
some good reason for this strange request. Do you know that, as 
an invention yet untried, Potato-Leaf Gunpowder-Tea may prove a 
failure ? 

Alfred. I have carefully considered the risks, and I admit such a 
result is not improbable. 

Mr. Oreatheart. And yet, knowing all this, you ask me to pro- 
mote the venture. Pardon my curiosity, but do you mind telling 
me why you urge me thus to risk my all in this perilous venture ? 

Alfred. I said I would be frank. I am to be the Manager of the 
Company at 1000 a year, payable quarterly in advance. Thus, if 
by your aid the Company can be floated, if but for three months, I 
shall be in receipt of 250. 

Mr. Greatheart. An excellent reason ; and I would consent at 
once, had I not a daughter. I must provide for her. 

Alfred. Not so, as I will marry her. Ring for her. I know I 
shall love her at first sight, and that my affection will be returned. 

Mr. Greatheart (opening the door and calling). MART! (Enter 
MARY.) This young man wishes to marry you. He says he will 
love you that you will love him. 

Alfred. I repeat what I said. I do love her already. 

Mary (after taking a long look at ALFRED, rests her head upon his 
shoulder, and bursts into tears). My own at last ! I see you now for 
the first time, and yet I murmur, once again my own at last ! 

Mr. Greatheart (who has written out a cheque for 200,000). 
Bless you, my children! (Touches bell. Enter JOHN.) Take this 
cheque to the Bank of England, and with it open the account of 
the Potato-Leaf Gunpowder-Tea Company, promoted by (JOLDKN 
GKEATHEART Directorate to be shortly advertised. (Jomr kneelt, 
receives blessing, and exit.) And now, ALFRED, in your hands rest* 
so much of my future, and all of my child's. But whatever comes 
of our joint ventures, I trust still to retain those proudest titles that 
a man can hold of Disinterested Promoter and Munificent Million- 


Tableau, soft religious music, and Curtain. 


(On a famous but delicate-throated Sitigrr.) 

THE audience in rapt impatience sits ; 

Comes an excuse, and disappointment hisses. 
Strange that " SIMS REEVES, whose singing ever hits, 

By a mere shift of letters, " ever misses. 



[MARCH 24, 1877. 


CSDAY, March 12. My LOHD CHANCELLOR (reports the pertinacious Ghost of PEPYS), 
mighty busy with my Lords mending two holes in the Law relating to Land, which it 
do amaze me should have been left unmended so long. One, that if I die and leave 
my land to one son and my money to another, and the land be under mortgage, he 
that hath the land may take his brother's money to pay off his mortgage, which 
law one may clearly see to have been made by those that had the land ; and the 
other, that if one leave me an estate for life (which I would any had done, but 
none ever did, only handsome gifts, thank Heaven, in money, and plate, and 
jewels) with remainder to him of my cousin ROGER'S sons who should first reach 
twenty-one, and I had died before any of ROGER'S sons came to that age as 
indeed none ever did live to manhood then the remainder, as the lawyers do call it, 
would be void, and the land go to the heir-at-law, against the intent and wish alike of 
the testator, and me, and ROGER, that had all meant to keep the land in one line ; 
which now is to be changed, and methinks should be. 

My LORD DORCHESTER did very briskly question my LORD DERBY again to-night of that travelling Captain that the Foreign Office 
and the War Office between them had back with a oesserara from Khiva the other day, to please the Muscovite as all do say and think, 
though my LORD DERBY will not have it so, but do now talk grave of the dangers to the Captain from the Tartars, and how he should 
perchance be taken for an agent of our Government. But methinks it had been sufficient for our Government to deny this, without 
calling this stout Captain home, that had gone so fa* and at such cost of money and sore bones. And now I do hear that the same 
Captain hath ridden through Asia Minor, as far as the city of Erzeroum, where the Muscovite do border on the Turk. And I do wonder 
if the Turk also will have him back thence ; and if our Offices will bid him home, to please the Turk, as they did to please the] Muscovite. 
But I hope not ; for methinks an English Captain should be at no prince's bidding but his own, and would not have been in OLIVER'S 
time. But I fear English stomachs are not so high now as then, which veies me. 

In the Commom, before the First Lord Commissioner was let to move his Estimates, was much scrambling talk of naval businesses 
how my Lords had not gone wisely to work for the raising of the Vanguard, though, indeed, I doubt if there were any wisdom better than 
leaving her where she lies; and one PETER TAYLOR, a man of mighty soft heart and as many do say soft head (as, indeed, your Englishman 
is apt to confound soft heart with soft head), did complain that the punishments aboard each ship of our Navy be no longer set out 
as fully as they were wont to be ; and grumblings touching the Pay and Pensions of Warrant Officers, and the weak boilers put 
aboard ship (but, lord ! to think that ships have come to need boilers other than those used for cooking of the men's beef !) and the 
Anchors and Cables that be used in the Navy, how these are the worst instead of the best, and I know not what matters besides, till 
I at length did think myself back in Our Office in Seething Lane, with MR. COVENTRY and the two SIR WILLIAMS wrangling over our 
ships and stores and the Yards and the accounts, and no more good like to come of it now, methinks, than did then. 

But, at last, MR. WABD HUNT, to his Estimates, and do ask boldly for close on Eleven Millions Lord help us ! and do give a brave 
account of the Yards and the Ships that be built and building and to be built, in all nigh on one hundred thousand tons betwixt wood and 

MARCH 24, 1877.] 







Local Inspector. " Off, HE HAS BMN VACCINATED, YOU BAY ! 

Mother. "On, THAT HB HRV, SIR! EOT NOT (driven into a corner) IT WAS THIS WAY, YOU SEE, SIB I KAKMIK AKBRS'S Cow 


[Local Inspector loses his temper. 

iron, that I could but wish that COMMISSIONER ;PETT might have 
been there to hear him, that would brag so much of his great doings 
at Deptford, and now what a peddling place it do seem. Only 
COMMISSIONER PETT, I doubt not, would have given a good account 
of such pestilent fellows as MB. REED and SIR JOHN HAY, and, 
above all, one BENTINCK, a loosely-hung homely-faced gentleman, 
that they in the House do call Big Ben after the great bell in the 
Parliament Clock Tower, for his bigness and his hollow sounding, 
and all the others that do carp and pick at Our Office, and all that 
is done therein, till it is a pity to see my Lords so baited, with or 
without reason. 

Also MB. HUNT do promise mightv handsome both as to boys 
that they will train for sailors for the Fleet (a new thing since my 
day, when we were fain to take such as we could get. and bad 
bargains, many of them, poor rogues, but fared hard enough, 
had they been twice as scurvy) and torpedoes, which be a kind of 
sea-petard, to blow ships up under water, and I would fain have 
the chance to see and study them, and do intend it if I can, for, 
indeed, like most things in our ships nowadays, these engines be 
quite out of my compass. 

But I was glad to hear that two of the PRINCE OF WALK'S young 
sons be to go aboard the Britannia for their teaching of what belongs 
to a sailor, and I do hope England will never lack her brace or 
so of princes bred to the sea, though I must needs own they that 
be good at ships be not always good at reigning, as witness His 
Majesty JAMES THE SECOND, that was a good Prince to the Navy, 
and made much of me, I thank him, and was indeed sitting for 
his portrait to SIR GODFREY KNILLER with intent to give it me, 
when he did first hear of the coming over of the PRINCE OF OBANGB, 
and would needs have out the sitting for my sake ; and I, thinking of 
all this, did lose some of the fag-end of to-night's talk, but methinks 
had enough. And indeed nothing can be done, it semi, nowadays, 
without more talk than needful. So no loss for me or any man to 
miss some now and then. 

Tuttday (Zorrf). My LORD DERBY did promise my LORD GRAN- 

VILLE news shortly of dealings with the Muscovite on the Eastern 
Question, that he do hope soon to -bring to some likely end. But, 
for my part, I do rather hope so than Rxpeet it, for that I do think it 
a matter past words to bring to a good issue, and my Lords will v-i vc 
only words to it and no more, and them but half-hearted ones. 

Afterwards my LORD DUXE OF RICHMOND did bring' in \ Bill 
for amending of the Law touching Burials ; wherein the^Puritans, 
that be as stiif-necked now as they were in my time, do complain 
sore that they may not be buried in the parish ground with services 
of their own, but_ must have the Parson read that of the Church of 
England over their graves, willy-nilly, which vexes the living, if not 
the dead. But methinks 'tis strange your Churchman and Puritan 
should be so by the ears about the manner of putting away their 
poor quiet dead bodies, that methinks have. most of them had; more 
than enough of clapper-clawing in their lifetimes ; but so it is, and 
now the Duke's Bill, I do fear, will do little to help matters to a 
settlement of this foolish quarrel. Only it do empower parishes 
to make new grounds, wherein bodies may be buried with such 
orderly services as to their friends may seem fit ; but yet in parish 
grounds there may be no burying but either with the service of the 
Church of England or no service at all : which methinks will never 
satisfy the Dissenters, as they do now call Puritans. And indeed as 
I left them and the Church at loggerheads in my time' so I find 
them now, and no chance, that I can learn, of a peace 

In the Comment to-night a strange matter. One CHAMBERLAIN, 
a Member for Birmingham, and a brisk boy, and stout speaker, 
that looked as he did both believe in himself, and what he was 
saying, so that I marvelled not he 'was well listened to, spoke 
long and plausibly for a plan to enable Corporations, if they would, 
to buy up the pot-houses in their boroughs, and put their owri 
servants into them, and become sole purveyors of drinks to their 
borough-folk. And this he did say had been done, with good 
effect in lessening the foul vice 'of 'drunkenness in Gottenburg, 
and I hear your Swede be as potent in potting as your English- 
man. But to see how others did straight jump up and deny all he 



[MARCH 24, 1877. 

said, and bring figures to show that the potting in Gottenburg was 
worse than ever since this plan was tried, and how 'twould be 
surely putting a great and evil power in the hands of Corporations, 
and now the more folk drank it would needs be the better for them 
in their new business of sellers of drink. And indeed methinks 
it needs must be so, so that I wondered how SIR WILFRID LAWSON, 
that would have two-thirds of them that pay rates empowered to 
shut public-houses, should vote for this Bill, that would enable a 
bare majority of them that make rates to open them. But indeed 
SIR WILKIUD is more witty than wise ; and so the House did seem 
to think, and did throw out the Bill by 103 to 51. 

Then one BIGGAR, an Irishman, that spoke with a harsh voice and 
a great brogue, getting up, all the House did walk out ; and 
so all at an end T>y nine o clock, and I glad to get away, and 
the House methinks. And I do see now the use of such Members 
as this BIGGAR, that when they rise to speak, the House may 
straight rise to go, and with good cause. And, above all, I am glad 
for MR. SPEAKER, that must needs listen to so much idle talking, 
and may not go till the House rises ; and I admire how patiently 
he do bear it, and keep a brave countenance. 

We&nftday. A Bill by one SIK ROBERT ANSTRUTHEB, for ham- 
pering, if it may be, the sale of Intoxicating Drinks in Scotland ; but 
methinks the Scotch do hold too much to their "usquebagh," as 
they call it, to be keen for any stoppage of the traffic therein. And 
indeed it is a mighty comfortable liquor, above all when drunk hot 
with sugar, as I have drunk it aboard one of our men-of-war, the 
Lion, that I was aboard of off the Brill when we brought the King 
over, which had a Scotch Captain that loved it, and would have me 
pledge him in a brimming bowl of usquebagh punch, which he called 
toddy, with right Jamaica limes. .So I do not marvel that SIR 
ROBERT had but poor help to-night to the hindering of the sale of 
strong drinks in Scotland, but did lose his Bill by 253 to 90. 

Thiirsday. Nothing to note of my Lords. 

In the Commons was another night of asking for money Supply, as 
they do still call it, and so they used in our time, only now the House 
do supply all it is asked for, and then it did not, but both the King 
and the Officers had to catch at the coin as they could, one against 
the other, and oft neither could catch any. Only now, though the 
House do give all that is asked for, Members must needs talk first, 
and so they have what they call their " grievances " for pegs to hang 
their talk on ; but, lord ! when I do think of my time, and the 
grievances that were indeed grievances then, and not a word 
breathed of them in or out of the House, it do seem strange to me. 

So to-night they did talk ever so long of marvellous pitiful 
matters, as the slitting of a widow woman's dog's throat by an Irish 
Magistrate, and the widening of a road, and the employing of six 
soldiers last year to cut a piece of standing corn, and the pranks of 
the schoolboys a-training for the Navy aboard the Britannia, and I 
know not what other silly stuff, that I wondered at it. And when 
it came to voting of the money I did again wonder at some that 
methought should have known better, that were for cutting down 
the wages of them that do serve the State in our black settlements 
on the Guinea shore, where white men do indeed live so miser- 
ably that methinks they need scarce grieve to die quickly, yet 
must needs make provision for them they leave behind them. And 
the rest of the lusty young fellows that were so brisk for cutting 
down such salaries to-night, would like the same lopping and top- 
ping if it had been their part to receive the wages instead of award- 
ing them. 

1 did marvel too at the grumbling about the choice of young 
fellows from the Foreign Office to go with my LOED MAEQUIS OF 
SALISBURY to Turkey, that they should be those that knew least of 
the Turk and his matters. As if great Lords that go on missions of 
State, or they that have the naming of the young gallants to go 
with them, are used to choose according to men's knowledge of the 
matters to be taken in hand ! And indeed it do vex me to hear such 
simple talk, and from some that should be wiser. 

Friday (Lords). My LOED CHANCELLOR hath a Bill for a man to 
make himself bankrupt, if need be, and so to have his substance 
1 airly carved among his creditors, which methinks is but reason; 
but my LORD HATHERLEY likes it not, as thinking that the Lawyers 
should have the first picking in such cases, as the Doctors do not 
love that a man should go out of the world without them. 

(Commons.) The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER do assure my 
LORD HARTINGTON that the Government do indeed hope they are in 
a way to clap up a paper bridge for the Muscovite to go back over. 
But 1 admire that a few words cunningly drawn into a protocol 
should save us from what all did fear would be the biggest and 
bloodiest war of this time. And so I find do most ; only for the 
moment such a protocol 'tis thought may serve the turn. And so all 
glad ot it, but most, the most shallow- witted. 

Ihen much talk of the Irish school children, how they may not 
be driven to school, yet will go of themselves three days out of five 

and will learn more in that time than your duller English children 
in two days out of three. 

Much debate but to little end of what should be done when Slaves 
do seek shelter aboard our Ships in Eastern waters. But I do 
plainly see that Sis GEORGE CAMPBELL, that did raise the matter, do 
weary the House with too much and too often talking. Yet as he 
is a man that hath had weighty charge in India, so I doubt not 
tie do look on talk as the business to be done in this House. As, 
indeed I find many do. 

One WHALLEY, the same that is wont to fall foul of the POPE on 
all occasions perhaps, as being sent to the House from Peterborough, 
for which borough of . Peter, indeed, the POPE do claim to be sole 
Member did talk to-night of the other matter that do set his wits 
wool-gathering, which is ARTHUR ORTON, a fat knave now in 
prison, that did take the name of SIR ROGEE TICHBOENE, and, after 
i mighty tedious trial, was clapped in gaol for it, where he still 
lies'; and now this WHALLEY will still have him to be TICHBOENE, 
but can bring none in the House to the same mind, save one 
OSBORNE a lack-brain like himself, and doth lug the matter in by 
head and ears whenever he can, and did to-night, to the wearying 
of the House, and MR. SECRETARY CROSS, that did very hardly make 
shift to answer this WHALLEY civilly ; and I do see Peterborough 
is more proud to have a Member with a mind of his own, than 
careful what fashion of mind it be. 



T is said that some of the Noncon- 
formists within the Established 
Church have at last determined 
to do the right thing secede, and 
form a dissenting sect, entitled to do 
as they please in their own conventi- 
cles. The Whitehall Review 
announces that a section of 
High Church and Ritualist 
members of the Church of 
England contemplate the 
foundation of "a new An- 
glican Communion." They 
have resolved upon this step 
"in consequence of the ac- 
tion taken by Anglican 
prelates under the Public 
Worship Regulation Act." 
Accordingly, they intend to; 
have an episcopate of their 
own. "In the first placed 
brand-new Archbishop, with' 
a very ancient title, is to be 
consecrated by one or more 
foreign prelates." The re- 
mainder of the Bench is to: 
consist of " two Suffragans, each with titles from old English sees ; " 
and the new Anglican Communion to be started next July. In the: 
meanwhile : 

"The difficulty attendant on the consecration of the Archbishop and his 
Suffragans (as far as regards any interference with existing jurisdictions, 
whether Popish or others,) will be surmounted by the ingenious plan of con- 
secrating them upon the high seas." 

The last statement suggests a suspicion that the preceding news is 
too good to be true. How can interference with existing episcopal 
jurisdictions be avoided by the consecration of Bishops on the high 
seas, if the Bishops are so consecrated for the purpose, nevertheless, 
of wielding opposition crosiers in the sees ashore ? The occupants of 
those land sees would account the maritime intruders no pre- 
lates, but mere poachers on their manors. Obviously, a consecra- 
tion performed for an evasive purpose, although on board ship, 
would be anything but an above-board proceeding. It would be 
out of place and unsuitable even as a qualification for preaching to 
the fishes, which could be done as well without as with it by any- 
body, lay or cleric. And then the flat-fish would hardly come up to 
hear a preacher of Ritualism, and the ocean does not contain 
gudgeons. Altogether this idea of consecrating High Bishops on] 
the high seas appears to be a far-fetched derivation from the maxim; 
that he "who drives fat oxen should himself be fat." It is not a] 
thing to be spoken of to the sailors, but awakes the suspicion thatj 
the whole statement in connection with it is no better than a story 
fit only to be related to the other arm of Her Majesty's Sea Service. 
May it, nevertheless, turn out to be authentic ; for, if the Ritualists 
will only retire to their own Ebenezers, the National Churchmen 
will readily agree to differ with them as their Dissenting Brethren. 


MARCH 2-1, 1877.] 




" He thought the Bill. a 
amended, would be acceptable at 
once to the Clergy and members 
of the Church of England gene- 
rally, and aUo to the great majority 
of our sensible Dissenting bre- 
Jin HMOND'S Jiurials Sill. 

TAIT thinks the Duke's Bill 

will the Church content, 
And satisfied leave sensible 

But might one ask our mild 

mellifluous Mentor 
How he'd define a "sensible 

Dissenter " '( 
There is a figure of sophistic 

That in dogmatic strife plays 

foremost part ; 
Petitio principii is its name, 
No tte too high its help at 

need to claim. 

If "sensible Dissenters" ex- 
clude all 
But those who 're thankful for 

Church mercies small, 
It folio ws small Church mercies 

must content 

All 'who are sensible in their Dissent. 
From CANTUAR.'S lips was ne'er of Churchmen heard 
The same invidious, qualifying word. 
But then in CANTUAR. it were reprehensible 
To hint that Churchmen could be aught but sensible ! 


(By a Wise Man of Gotham.) 

SCENE Lushington Street. BROWN meets JONES. 

Brmon. Well met, old man ! I am rejoiced to see you again. It 
is my birthday my twentieth ! 

Jones. Many happy returns, my dear boy ! And well, what are 
you going to stand i 

Brown. Whatever you like. Here 's the " Green Dragon " ! 

[They enter the " Green Dragon, and drink. 

Brown. And how 's the world treating you ? 

Jones. First-rate. My uncle has just departed this life, and left 
me well, a nice little sum. 

Brown. Bravo ! We must have a drink on it. Here 's the 
" Blue Boar." [ They enter the " Blue Boar," and drink. 

Jones. The " Blue Boar" tap is not half so good as " The Rose." 

Brown. Isn't it ? Well, let us try. 

[They enter the " Rose " and drink. 

Brown. Yes, the " Rose " does sell the real stuff ! But what an 
ugly party behind the bar ! I like a pretty girl. Come into the 
" Red Lion," and see POLLY. 

[They enter the " Sed Lion," and drink. 

Jones. Bah I Whatsh 1 mean, what is the use of pretty girls ? 

Give me a man who querks me sively serves me quickly. They 
have barmen here at the " Swan," and topping tipple. Come along 
Swan ! [They enter the " Swan," and drink. 

Brown. Call them quick, (hie) look shlow ash poshible. Loo 
ere try " Mitre." [They enter the " Mitre," and drink. 

Jones. Dooshid nishe street (hie) thish. No walking far from 
one hold up what wash I shayingP Oh ah no walking far 
from one public-house to another. 

lirown. Quiright, too. Awful ass (hie) WILFRID LAWSHON I 

Jones. Hear, hear ! Letsh (Aic) have drink ! 
[They enter various other public-houses, and finally pass the 
night at the police-station nearest to Lushington Street. 


Water Street. JONES meets BROWN. 

Brown. Ah, JONES! I beg leave to congratulate yon. I have 
just heard it is your birthday. 

Jones. Oh. thank you very much. Yes, I am forty to-day. 

Brown. You do not look it. And how are you going to celebrate 
the day ? 

Jones. I don't exactly know. But a visit to the Tower or to the 

British Museum seems about the pleasantest as well as most rational 
employment of such an anniversary. 

Brown. You are right quite right. But was it not our custom 
of old to have a drink on such occasions ? 

Jones. In days gone by. And I confess. BROWN, I have yet a 
touch of the old Adam about me. We will drink. 

Brown. Let me see, the " Green Dragon " is shut up. 

Junes. And so is the " Blue Boar." 

Bnnrn. And your old favourite the " Rose " has disappeared. 

Janes. And the " Red Lion," where your pretty friend POLLY 
was, is turned into a Temperance Hotel, 

Brown. And the " Swan " is an eating-house, at which they will 
not allow intoxicating liquor on the premises. 

Jones. It is the same with the " Mitre." ^yhere can we drink 'f 

lirown. I have it. At the ," Chamberlain Arms." It is the 
nearest bar, only a mile and a half away. Let us hasten thither. 

At the " Chamberlain Arms." 
Jones. Well, give it a name. 

Landlord. Good day, Gentlemen. You are waiting to be served 'f 
Brown. Yes, It is my birthday. We must have a drink. 
Landlord. The less the better, Sir. You remember how drink 
used to be the curse of this country. It was fearful. Yet there has 
only been one conviction for drunkenness in England during the last 
two years. That was the famous Liverpool case of beastly intoxica- 

Jones. The man was let off, wasn't he ? 

Brown. Yes with penal servitude for five years. It was his first 

Jones. Well, what shall we have P 

Landlord. Allow me to recommend our sparkling mineral waters. 
Ever since SIB WILFRID pst! I mean the Dims OF DRINKWATER, 
SIR_ W. L. as was, discovered those natural champagne mineral 
springs on his estate, we have sold nothing else. 
Brown and Jones. So be it ! 

[ They drink two quarts of mineral waters and retire happy, one 
to the British Museum and the other to the bosom of his 
family, deeply thankful for the incalculable benefit conferred 
on the country by the labours of one mighty mind, and the 
blessings of an infallible system. 



I ZEE the Lundnn Skool Boord Wensday last wake refurd 
Spellun Refarm to a Zelect Cnmmitty. Werry wel, but wot.'s the 
good o dooun things be haaves ? Wot 's wanted isn't not onlee Spellun 
Refarm I /ays, but also Grammer Refarm. 

Wot I manes by Grammer Refarm you can zee I dare zay pnrty 
wel by the waay how I rites. "Tis Grammer Refarm o' the same sart 
as Spellun Refarm, wun Refarm to match the other. Alter the 
Grammer as wel as the Spellun to wot the oommun peepul talks. 
Meak ut a rool to zay and rite "this here" and "that air," and 
" no" arter "not" and " never :" as'fur exampul, " I han't got no 
sense," "I newer had no eddicasnun," and zo on. I haint no scollard 
mezelf , but I be told by them that be as how boath the dubble nega- 
tive and the tuther vernacler idjum as they calls un is Grammer in 
zum vorren languidges anshunt and moddurn. Wnnt insted o' will 
not and be insted of am is other pints of Grammer Refarm amung 
menny moor as I cood menshnn, but not fur to meak too long a storee 
on't and teak up a mutch o' yure valliable room, I wnnt say no 
moor at preznnt, ixcept as how that I be, Zur, 

Yure Rooral Reader, DiinruL DUMPER. 

Poscrip. My respecks to the Lundun Skoolboord, and if so be as 
how they likes to take pattern from the abuv spassymunt o Grammer 
and Spellun Refarm together, they be quite welcum to, 't. 

A Cymric Challenge. 

As a descendant of the "barbarous, uncivilised, and 
wretched Britons," I do hereby challenge, through your columns, 
LORD FRANCIS HERVEY to deadly combat. As I am desirous we 
should not be disturbed in our duel d outrance, I will give him the 
choice of : Place the Devil's Bridge, Pass of Llanberis, MoelJShiabpd, 
or the topmost peak of Snowdon. Time five or six in the morning 
of 'the first of April. Weapons bow and arrows, broad-axe, skene- 
dhu, or bandy stones. 

An indignant Cymneg, 

Lent Assizes. 



[MARCH 24, 1877. 




" A collective agreement of the Powers to deliberate on some hypothetical 
necessities of action iu some hypothetical future, would be so powerless a 
document that the mere demand for it would be inexplicable, if we did not 
suppose Russia to be extremely anxious to procure an honourable means of 
retreat." The Times. 

WILL the bridge bear the Bear P In slow retreat 

Uraus essays the pass with cautious feet, 

Tentative, if not timid. Paper offers 

But flimsy foothold, and some ribald scoffers 

May smile to see the ponderous plantigrade 

Foot-feeling o'er a protocol. Afraid r 1 

Oh, not at all, but well, beyond that " but," 

Though eyes may open, mouths had best be shut. 

'Tis they laugh longest who laugh last. Perhaps 

The grin distending diplomatic chaps 

May soon change sides. 'Tis wise in Bear to tarry, 

And, careful, test what weight the bridge will carry, 

Across whose paper span and slippery track 

The Bear ere long may have to travel back. 

Time will show of the " Asses" who's the Ass. 

Exit from a political impasse, 

On a permissive protocol, may prove 

In Bear's long game not quite the final move. 

This new retreat from Moscow, or at least 

From Moscow's manifesto, irks the beast, 

"With Slavs left in the cold, armed legions idle, 

And Turk unchecked, save by a paper bridle 

Of futile lecturing and wordy warning, 

Which even Turks have sense enough for scorning. 

As " action commune " gives dissatisfaction, 

Suppose, instead, we try common inaction 

Faineant policy on old safe lines 

Lecturing sans " ulterior designs." 

We '11 lift a fie-fie finger ! But " insist " ? 

Where is the bold bad Power dares shake a fist 

That hints coercion ? " Padishah, we trust 

You '11 sin no more, but if you will, you must. 

We 're all at one as far as wishes go ; 

And really you should mend your ways, you know. 

For doing which there 's nought like good intentions 

With which do pave, and no more interventions." 

This protocolled, let diplomats look wise, 

Bull graze at peace, and Bear demobilise : 

Devices to do nothing with an air 

Of busy self-importance are not rare, 

But this political Round Robin beats 

All diplomatic record. Bear retreats ; 

Lion nor Eagles dare advance ; and lo ! 

The Happy Family in statu quo ! 

Et apres f Ah, that question, long revolved, 

Crossing this Asses' Bridge leaves still unsolved. 


THE Morning Advertiser mentions that a deputation one day last 
week waited on the HOME SECRETARY, with a view to get the London 
and South- Western Railway Company restrained from committing 
an encroachment which they design on Barnes Common. Our 
neighbouring contemporary adds that ME. CROSS promised to see 
the Company's Solicitor, with a view to do all that could be done 
for the preservation of that open space for the public use by its 
rescue from those despoilers. Of course he will have no difficulty in 
keeping Barnes Common from the clutches of the Philistines, unless 
they have already contrived covertly to whip up a majority for the Act 
of Parliament delivering it into their hands. If, unfortunately, that 
is so, it is to be hoped that Government will put all possible pressure 
on them to arrest their ravage. In the meanwhile, we rejoice to 
see that an attempt of the London and Brighton to appropriate one 
of the prettiest bits of Mitcham Common has been defeated. The 
Society for the Preservation of Commons and Open Spaces, with a 
view to impede the progress of Railway, and all other aggression 
on common land, should organise a Parliamentary Preventive 
Service to block the attempts, still made from time to time, to 
get Private Enclosure Bills smuggled through the House of 




MARCH 24, 1877.] 




TIIKIIK is no greater proof of suc- 
cess than the envy created in the 
liiip.mii of rivals. Punch has been 
accused of being behind the age ; so 
he ia, in the same sense that he is be- 
hind the scenes. He knows 
the effects in preparation, 
and the actors about to 
come on, before the spec- 
tators in stalls or boxes, 
pit or gallery. 

E.g. Mr. Punch sent 
his reporter overnight to 
Putney on Friday next 
(the Eve of St. Clasper), 
with full powers to report 
the coming race, and a 
blank cheque to pay his 
expenses at the Star and 

Mr. Punch, ever mind- 
ful of his young friends 

the members of the rival Universities, forwarded for their ac- 
ceptance, with bis compliments, several feathers, both high and 
low, for Cambridge, and some india-rubber tubs for Oxford ; all of 
which were received with cheers on the arrival of the reporter, who 
lost no time in dipping his beak into the flowing cups in which the 
rival Crews were drinking each other's healths, in the vain 
attempt of each to gruel the other before the race. The report 
of the Saturday's race reached the Punch Office early on the 
present Wednesday, thus proving satisfactorily to all interested 
that Punch is rather before than behind the times, as certain 
ribalds do vainly assert. 

Saturday, March 24. The University Boat-Race was rowed this 
morning " on the slack " (whatever that may be it may be wire, it 
may be rope, for all I know), at five A.M., before a sprinkling of 
spectators who could see nothing, owing to the fact that the sun had 
not risen, and under a sprinkling of spring rain that kept coming down 
at thirty-six to the minute. The water was very " poor," we were 
told, though judging by its thick and seemingly pea-soupy consist- 
ence, we should have imagined it rather the reverse. 

As the Limes light was turned on, both Crews lit up the cheerful 
cigarette, which, once kindled, was to light the way of the gallant 
coxswains to the winning-post. Gradually the boats were launched, 
and both paddled gently to their moorings, far out into the night, or 
rather early morning. Nothing was audible but the regular plash 
of the paddles and the half-suppressed objurgations of strokes and 
coxswains. The Umpire's boat not having arrived, your Reporter 
and Artist were called upon to man the only wherry on the loose. 

As the painter was cast overboard by some of the bystanders, I 
had to trim the boat by myself as well as 1 could, though slightly 
unmanned by the sudden double demand upon me, and the pushing 
out into the blackness and the brine. (By the way, is the Thames 
salt at Putney ? I appeal to those who may have gone through the 
tasting process in this portion of the stream.) 

At the word " Go ! " I heard the painters suddenly cast adrift, as 
mine had been, and then, as one after another of the competing 
sixteen dropped his oar heavily into the water, I felt that this would 
indeed be a struggle for supremacy between the rival Alma; Matres. 
From the glance 1 had had at the crew stripped for their prelimi- 
nary tubbings, I knew they were in hard condition every ounce 
of convertible flesh consolidated into muscle, though it might be fresh- 
water muscle, which is acknowledged to be inferior to the salt-water 
variety. As we neared the Oil Works, my fine ear told me that in 
the Cambridge boat the crew were backing up their captain at 
thirty-six strokes to the minute straight from the shoulder, 'while 
in the Oxford craft the lively and irregular splashing spoke volumes 
(of Thames water) in favour of the high feather of the crew, and 
the general liveliness of the ship from stem to stern. The sparks 
from sixteen cigarettes flashed along the water like fireflies over the 
Maremma, while an occasional rocket from the rival coaches, which 
dashed along the towing-path as fast as four horses could carry 
them, gave a romantic aspect to a scene which only required gas- 
light to be a magnificent display of that combination of aquatics 
and athletics to which the best minds and bodies of our University 
youth are so perseveringly directed. By particular request of the 
coxswains I make known my whereabouts from time to time by 
whistling the favourite air. " The Same Old Game" as I dashed 
a-head, taking the water first of one and then of the other crew, 
much to the satisfaction of both, for they were already shipping 
more of the Thames fluid than was agreeable with the thermometer 
at freezing-point, and the sun not up yet. Neck and neck, the 
eights of Oxford and Cambridge flashed by the Aits of Thames, 

taking, however, care, as they shot past Hurlingham, not to kill 
any of yesterday's wounded, as not being members of that distin- 
guished club. By this time, could one see it, the elegant bridge of 
Barnes ought to be looming in the distance. (I do not know what 
" looming ' is, and should be glad of private information.) 

Here a check was given (I did not wonder ; for to judge by their 
state of perspiration, our athletes must have dropped several pounds 
since the start), owing to a spin which both boats took in the middle 
of the river, till this was put a stop to by the combined efforts of 
strokes and coxswains ; but, as there was not a soul on the towing- 
path, no notice was taken of the cnntrrtvmps. I was amusing 
myself by half-feathering under the water, when I was suddenly 
aware of the first streaks of dawn; and as I hoisted the Royal 
Standard, and loaded the " Come in gun, I could hear, not far be- 
hind me, though 1 dared not turn my nead to watch, the exciting 
struggle which my eye, hand, and shot were so soon to decide and to 

In the Oxford Boat, No. G had by this evidently finished bis share 
of tile race altogether ; and was watching at his ease the struggles 
of his comrades. No. -J was sliding too rapidly, but this might nave 
been caused by the accumulation of ice on his seat, owing to the 
early start with the thermometer below the freezing-point, and 
could scarcely have boon prevented. 

In the Cambridge Boat No. 3 had got BO well forward over his 
toes that he could not get back at all, greatly to the inconvenience 
of No. 2, whom he might be said to reduce to comparative inaction. 
Never at a loss, the Cambridge coxswain, taking the yoke-lines 
between his teeth, suddenly brought all his strength to bear in aid 
of his almost exhausted stroke, and lifting the boat as they passed the 
distance post at the entrance of the last reach, got close to the rails, 
and, teeth clenched and hands down, passed the Oxford coxswain, 
who had to try all ho knew to keep alongside, much less gain on 
his opponent. 

The free style in which both the Crews laid out at this late 
stage of the struggle was a proof they had not been spending their 
strength and money recklessly during their Thames practice. 

As Cambridge rounded the bend of Mortlake Reach, the Oxford 
stroke spurted like a whale in his flurry till the white water 
flashed high over their ship's bows, while the big drops of perspira- 
tion gleamed like pearls on the knitted brow of tne Cambridge 
coxswain, as with wild shrieks he urged his crew to a superhuman 

I was so excited, "as both boats flashed past the Judge's chair in 
front of the Ship, that if you had flung a handful of gold into my 
lap, I couldn't have told you which had won. No time, however, 
was to he wasted in discussing that detail with myself. At a 
venture I pulled the trigger of the " Come in " gun, which re- 
sponded by a vicious kick that landed me in the bottom of my 
trim-built wherry. A feeble huzza rang from the Ship, in whose 
yard a few stragglers were astir even thus early. Up went to the 
mast-head the rival flags, both looking blue (but the one dark, the 
other light emblems of the struggle of the moment between night 
and day), and, blowing up and out, were at once entangled in a 
desperate tussle for supremacy. 

I knew there woula be a wrangle, and was determined to keep 
myself clear of it : so I paddled gently through the railway bridge, 
and then, with one turn of the wrist, and that well-known silent 
laugh which distinguishes all Pathfinders, shot my skiff to land, 
jumped out and returned to town by Underground, leaving the 
Crews to settle their differences over an amicable breakfast at the 

A Volunteer Offer. 

ONE would like to know this " tall gentleman, having lately come 
into property," who advertises in a recent number of the Daily 
Telegraph . 

MAJOR. WAJTTBD to purchase, the TITLE of Major or Colonel in a 
Volunteer regiment, by a tall gentleman, recently having come into 
property. Address, with lowest price, &c. 

This would-be Major evidently thinks that when purchase was 
driven from the Army, it found an asylum in the Volunteers. 

Acceptance and Resignation. 

THE Post announces that the vacant office of Black Rod has been 
accepted by GENERAL Siii W. KHOLLTS. Attached to it is a resi- 
dence within the Palace of Westminster and a salary of 2000 per 
annum. Butchers' meat maintaining its present prices, and fashions 
continuing as extravagant as they are now, two thousand a year 
will go only a little way to make both ends meet. Still, considered 
is an agreeable addition to the means of housekeeping, it may 
be sufficient to make SIB W. K. especially as Usher, instead of 
school-boy, take the rod and be thankful. 



[MAKCH 24, 1877. 



" Om, Fran9ais, votre patrie est belle, 
Et chez vous le soleil etincelle ! 
Mais Ton n'a pas chez vous 
Ces deux objets si doux, 
Le Poqueur, et la Cole-escoutelle ! " 

LES perpendiculaires rayons 
L)u soleil illuminaient les fonds 
De la mer. Ce cbauffnge 
Fit d'abord fondre en nago 
Puis demoralisa les poissons. 

UN picqueau, nomme Picalili, 

Le plus fort des picqueaux-Lazenbi, 

S ^prit d'une picquelle 

Sut lui plaire, et devint son ami. 

IL naquit pros do Choisy-le-Iioi ; 

JjB Latin lui causait de i'effroi ; 
Et les llathematiques 
Lui donnaient des coliques, 

Et le Grec I'enrhumait. Ce fut moi. 

MABCH 24, 1877.] 







8. PL-MS-LL, M.P. 

('HAITI:!! VI. - Di-iiil Eyes and Shrouds, 

YES, WILLIAM and MAHY MAYHUD were on board the doomed ship 
whose fate had been settled by the Bottomry Bond, signed, sealed, 
and delivered between the Stevedore and the Warden. 

For days and days in calm weather they sailed. 

The Captain, as I have said, a lad of only seventeen, was joyons 
and careless. In the evening he played the fiddle, not tunefully, 
but merrily, while POLLY, as she was now termed, sang sweetly. 

A. Ship's Chandler (whom they had picked up in passing a light- 
ship) illumined the state cabin with sea-dips, and they were as gay 
as larks in the morning. 

The Skipper skipped, and the Ship's Husband danced. The Mate 
with five hands performed several amusing tricks of legerdemain. 
Yet they were not happy. POLLY sent home two letters by the 
stern-post, of which we may hear more by-and-by. 

At three bells on a cloudy morning they sighted what they made 
out to be the Pharo Isles on the coast of Egypt. 

The Steward, however, felt certain that it was an immense Bank. 

The Purser, pleased at this information for he had a quantity of 
paper which he wished to change for gold put off in a small boat 
and made for the Bank. At the same time, there being some 
inequality on board, the Mate took a pair of ship's scissors and 
bej?an trimming the cargo. 

Before the Purser could return, indeed before he could reach his 
destination, the Mate's action had brought about the long-dreaded 
catastrophe ; for the grain, which had gradually been rising, sud- 
denly burst all limits, forced the planks of the upper deck until the 
bags rose in a steaming, seething mass, blackening the atmosphere, 
and embedding mast after mast in their pudding-like overwhelming 
embrace. Then the sacks exploded witn a tremendous report. A 
report which, thank Heaven, reached LLOYD'S.* 

A moment more, and all was over, or rather, under. Nothing of 
the Albert Ross was visible except a few spars, masts, and the 

Fact.- S. P. 

rudder. The Purser, in his boat, managed to save the Mate with 
five hands, the two steerage wheels, and that was all. 


Alas! they had disappeared. 

CIIAITKU VII. Land at Latt. 

Now my task is nearly done. 

WILLIAM and POLLY wore subsequently picked up by the Purser, 
whose boat was a four-oar, manned and steered by that useful 
person the Mate with five hands, to whom the Government subse- 
quently gave a handsome reward. 

Then they lixed the two steerage wheels to the Captain's gig, and, 
having found a quiet animal, they drove overland to England. 

WILLIAM arrived at LLOYD'S just in time to see the Committee 
before closing for the day, and, on his representation, a Policeman 
was sent down to arrest the Stevedore and the Junior Warden. 

I would I had the graphic power of MM. EKCKMAJJN-CHATBIAK 
(as I have once before observed in my Pamphlets, having long ago 
felt a twist for novel writing*), and I would describe the agony of 
the Stevedore, and the remorse of the wicked old Warden, 
who bargainee! for mercy, by offering to disclose the secret 


The Judge who 
heard the case (Ma. 
O'Dowo, the Coun- 
sel of the Board of 
Trade, appeared for 
the prosecution t), 
being much inte- 
rested, accepted the 
offer, and the War- 
den confided to His 
Lordship that MAK v 
MAYBUD was his 
(the Judge's) own 

His Lordship was 
not astonished, as 
he thought he had 
lost a daughter some 
time ago, and was 
delighted to find 
himself mistaken.! 
So the Spanish 
Stevedore was 
handed over to his 
own Government, 
and hung at Cor- 
dova. The Junior 
Warden was fined, 
disgraced, and ban- 
ished. He never 

LEUK was subse- 
quently created 
then, in consequence 
of the valuable 
lights he was able 
to throw npon all 
matters of maritime interest, he was made, a Peer (taking precedence 
of the Chain Pier and the Old Pier at Brighton), with a seat in the 
Lighthouse under the style and title of the EAKL OF SHTPSBEACOHS- 
FIELD. MABY is a Countess. And that 's all. 

Ye who read this, help me to do my best to destroy the 
homicidal system, and never let the two thousand working-men of 
Derby, who have never seen a ship in their lives, or a sailor, and 
who don't know a bow from a keel, or a jib from a forecastle, and 
whose conduct, in sending me to Parliament, is therefore all the 
more disinterested and generous let them, I say, never forget what 
I have done, what I will do, for the sailor's wrongs ; and let them 
ever, and always, send me to the House as their Member honest, 
bluff, hearty, and earnest S. P., as they know me to be. And they 
have stood Sam once let them stand Sam again. And when the 
time comes, though other lips and other hearts of oak their tales of 
love may tell, let them remember me, the Author of All in the 
Downs ; or, the Bottomry Bond! 


Vtdt "An Appeal on behalf of our Seamen." 8. P. 

t I throw tbia in just to do an excellent friend a good turn. S. P. 

X This is really a very weak ending;, as so little interest has been created 
about MARY beforehand. However, MR. PL-MS-LL is, it must be remem- 
bered, a novice at novel-writing, and at all events he has told us what the 
previous attempts have failed to do a rtory. KD. 



[MARCH 24, 1877. 


Minister (reproachfully, to bibulous Village Barber with shaking Hand). 


Barber (condolently). " AYB, SIB, IT MAK'S THE SKIN UNCO TENDER ! " 



" At a meeting of the Trustees of ANDERSON'S Institution, Elgin, the other day, the 
Governor stated that neither the boys nor the girls in the Institution were provided with 
knires and forks they conveyed their beef, &o. to their mouths with their hands. The 
Trustees present all said that they had never heard of this omission before, though some of 
them had been visiting the Institution for forty years ; and the Provost having characterised 
it as scandalous, a supply of knives and forks was ordered to he procured forthwith." 
Dundee Advertiser. 

for the Preservation of Ancient Monuments is not wanted ! 

Here is another of these Monuments gone ! 

With this primitive custom of the Andersonian Institute of Elgin disappears 
one more of the few surviving traces of the simple usages of our Northern 
ancestry, as instructive, in its way, as the kitchen-middens, which, if properly 
sought, might, we should think, very likely still be found in course of actual 
accumulation under the cathedral walls of Elgin. 

Before all these ancient monuments are swept away by the rude and reckless 
hand of so-called " Civilisation," why should notithe Geographical and Anti- 
quarian Societies combine for a systematic and well-equipped exploring expedi- 
tion to these Northern regions ? Who knows what might reward well-directed 
exploration ? MR. SMILES has already made a famous find in Banff, in TAM 
EDWARD, the self-taught, self-encouraged, and self-supporting " Scotch 
Naturalist." Who can say what curious discovery may be awaiting the 
intelligent explorer in the neighbouring burgh of Elgin, now that we know, 
from the paragraph we have quoted, that it still boasts a charitable and 
educational Institution to which knives and forks had not found their way in 
the seventy-seventh year of the nineteenth century ? 


DEGBEE lately conferred by the University of Cambridge on HEER JOACHIM 
Fiddle D.D. 

A CRT FROM UNDERGROUND. The Railway Passengers' Duty To shut the 
door after him when he gets out. 


" Perhaps the irrepressible sparrow does not interest Englisl 
people quite as much as it does us, but really, after all th< 
affectionate care wo have shown to that brown-coated chirruper 
it is distressing to announce the fact that he is leaving the snug 
cotes we have fixed him up at the hub of the universe. Yet 
during the late cold-snap we have had in Boston, and the State 
generally, the sparrows we coaxed over and believed we hac 
made into Yankeess real blue bloods have gone oft' in rlockt 
' westward," as the Empire is said to grow. Where in the Wesi 
they have gone we know not." Letter of " A SENTIMENTAL 
AMERICAN " in the " Times." 

UNGRATEFUL BIRD ! Thy cheeping note 
And bead-black eye and plain brown coat 

To LESBIA were dearer 
Than showier plumage, sweeter song, 
For that they seemed, with impulse strong, 
To knit far-kindred, sundered long, 

And bring the old home nearer. 
Now thou hast faithless turned, and fled. 
Far rather had I mourned thee dead ! 

Did I not pet thee, praise thee, think 
The oriole and the bobolink 

Extremely small potatoes 
Compared with thee ? an alien bii d ! 
Thy ditty, dullest ever heard, 
To PATH'S warbling I preferred. 

A heart as stern as CATO'S 
Might pity LESBIA'S anguished breast, 
Now her pet Sparrow has flown Wett ! 

Ready-made nest and cosy cote 

I built thee, that thy twittering- note 

Might glad me night and morning. 
I fed thee, coaxed thee, cracked thee up, 
Observed thee breakfast, watched thee sup, 
And now, to brim my sorrow's cup, 

Thou 'rt gone, thy LESBIA scorning. 
Of her warm love hadst thou no sense, 
That one " cold-snap " could drive thee hence ? 

Perchance some London LESBIA smilt s 
Amidst whose chimney-pots and tiles 

Thou art not loth to linger. 
Yet loves she thee as she might love 
Her pet canary, or her dove ? 
Didst ever perch upon her glove, 

Or feed from her fair finger ? 
Then why her house-tops haunt, and why 
A far more loving mistress fly ? 

The tender emerald English grass 
We strove to grow ; in vain, alas ! 

Their Ivy failed to flourish 
On Harvard's walls ; and now this prize 
We fondly thought to Yankeeise, 
The bird I stooped to idolise, 

To praise, and pet, and nourish, 
Has flown, with frost, to the far West, 
Leaving that warmest, whitest nest 
That 's now an aching void my breast ! 

Lady Helps and Lady Hands. 

OVERNESS. WANTED, a Young Lady, about twenty, 
five, to take entire charge of a little Girl, aged nine, and 
ler wardrobe, and to carefully train and educate her in English, 
Drench, Music, Singing, Drawing, and Needlework, and assist 
a little in housekeeping. Address, stating full particulars of 
ixperienee, salary required, &c. 

WANTED, good General Servant, able to cook for a 
small family; also a Nurse. Washing put out ; all found. 
Address, &c. Keply personally or by letter, stating wages. 

Wincn of these places would you rather take the 
hance of, my well-bred and well-educated little dears, 
vho may one day have your livelihoods to earn '( 


GIVE up Whist, my boy, and take to your books. 
Jurn the midnight Hoyle, in fact. Burn your Caven- 
Lish, too, not by instalments, but as an auto daft. 

MARCH 31, 1877.] 





Note. By an 
oversight, Mr. 
Punch himself 
was made to 
figurein" Round 
" of "The 
Ktudios," re- 
ported in our 
last number but 
one. We need 
hardly state that 
Punch never 
indulges in 
"nips," even on 
the most artistic 
invitation. It 
was Mr. P.' 
Art-Critic who 
name and nips on 
that occasion.) 

With faint reminiscences of having been knocked a little out of 
time in " Hound One " by the hospitality of his numerous Artist 
friends, your Reporter comes up smiling for " Round Two." 

But with every desire to stick to his business, get through as 
many frames, and knock off as many canvases, as time would allow, 
Studios are now so broadcast that it was difficult for your Reporter, 
before starting for his second round, to settle, without Ordnance Map 
or Bradshaw, whether it would be best to take, first, the Boilers oi 
Brompton.the GraveiPite of Kensington, or the Wood of St. John, and 
whether to call en route between these great Art-centres on the Halkin 
Mews Hamateurs, the Laugham Lazzaroni, or the Hampstead 
Humorists, as occasion and cabs might decide, or whether, but no 
matter ; these are details of topographical economy which interest 
you little and me less, as my tcavaUaiff expenses concern our 
respected proprietors, and money is no object to them, while my 
time is their money. 

By the way, I promised my friend Mu. STACEY MARKS a visit 
before the reciprocal flatteries exchanged between our Critic and 
many Painters had got into his head, and rendered his judgment less 
absolutely to be depended on. 

Another palace ! Gad ! Sir, these Artists live on the fat of the 
land. Their painting -jackets are of Genoa velvet, their breakfast 
china marked with the six marks of the Hang Dynasty or the flower 
of the Ho-Sung potteries, and their smallest piece of furniture a 
priceless gem of BOULE, GOUTHIEK, or CHIPPENDALE. 

In an easy attitude before his easel, suiting his colours to his 
palette, and haying a brush with his canvas in a frame of mind 
that appeared singularly in harmony with his subject, I discovered 
my friend (I never saw nim before, hut I presume a friend of yours 
is a friend of his) deeply occupied with the noble picture he will 
soon exhibit on the Academy walls. I told you it was " Old King 
Cole and his Fiddlers Three." That was only my fun ! The real 
title is " Stnttt's Sports in a Sack Room in Wardoitr Street." The 
eminent archu'ulogist is sitting in pointed shoes on the top of a black 
oak wardrobe, practising oup-and-ball, while a circle of stuffed 
birds look on admiringly from below. The shoes are full of point, 
and the flamingoes bursting with life and tow. The art of MABKS 
is already so profoundly impressed with the marks of Art, (this 
looks like tautology but I am liable to fits of gush occasionally, 
and require the application of a key down my back, and a few drops 
of chloral to arrest the flow) that I forget where I was. Oh 1 I 
remember. MARKS six Marks. No; that was at WHISTLER'S. 
STACET (( call him STACET now that we seem to have known each 
other so long and so intimately) treated me with marks of hospitality 
and affection I shall always remember in fact, until we renew them 
next season, and, as we hobnobbed in'a flagon of Hypocras, topped 
up with a beaker of hot lambswool, " Ifackins ! " I cried, " I would 
more of thy acquaintance, bully MARKS ! By cock and pye thine is 
right merrie fellowship." This may have sounded absurd, for I 
am not aware the Painter ever was at the University, but he has 
at least taken a high degree in Art, and deservedly so. 

But on to pastures new. Thinks I, I should like a smell of the 
briny, a whiff of the sea breezes, which I have no time to seek in 
their native pewter at Brighton, Margate, or Southend. By hook 
or crook I '11 get it ! By HOOK, answers Echo, and I am off at Echo's 

As I open MR. HOOK'S door I am struck with the quaint and 
fih-like smell, of a kind of not of the newest Poor John, which 
emanates from the quay well, not exactly quay, but at least har- 
bour of refnge provided by this best of marine painters for myself 

and all in search of the " true and blue and ever free." Lobster- 
pots, trawls, kedges, jiggers, and dog-fish literally litter the floor ; 
and as I watch the herring-boats or Lowestoft yawls dancing on the 
canvas right and left, I get a smack in my eye such as only Harwich 
or HOOK could impress with as much effect upon their pupils. I 
jumped at mm- aboard the painter's craft, ana thence, after a re- 
trrshinir plunge into the wild sea waves, followed up by a " water- 
bite" of a dozen oysters (real natives, "Ang Low Dutch!" as I said 
to my trii'ii'l 11.), and a nip of smuggled brandy, I let go the painter, 
and figuratively Hook it. 

With my api'tit.f lor sea air only stimulated by this nibble at a 
Hook, I bore away aboard my Hansom, chartered for the day's 
cruise, up Campdcn 11.11, and was soon nitchinir my trousers and 
dowsing my tarpaulin in the presence of II. MOORE. Here's a 
breeze, Sir ! Here 's a bouquet of sea-beach ! Here 's an air now 
cresrendn, now rullentamlooi wavelets making a creamy ripple on 
the beach. (I am not quite clear if that is mine or the Laureate'! ; 
if it isn't A. T.'s, he is welcome to it, and can fit it" into his next 
sea-idyl.) " MOORE, and still MOORE," I cry, until I begin so to 
believe in the " Freth Breezes " and " Rolling Swells," that had 
not my kind entertainer brought me a pick-me-up, in which cognac 
predominated over seltzer, I verily believe he must have brought 
me a basin. It was all the {rifted artist could do to prevent me 
taking a header into one of his freshly-painted waves. " Breakers 
ahead ! " thought I, and after another final gulp of his refreshing briny, 
I retired gracefully and sought another clime I should say climb 
for I had to ascend the Hill of Netting, cross the Vale of Maida, 
and seek the classical temple of AI.JIA TADEMA, by the northern 
gate of the Grecian-porticoed park of the Late Regent, and almost 
under the classic shadow of the Hill of Primrose. A palace an 
imperial monument ! complete from the Care Canem at the door to 
the Gladiator's helmet worn by the butler, who took my hat and 
hung it on the spear of Pallas Promachos which adorns the vestibule. 

Here I got so hopelessly mixed up with matrons in Tynan-dyed 
hair, babies wearing the bulla, and slaves playing on the discobolos, 
the ciirchedon, and the kitfiara, that I had scarcely wits left to 
distinguish between the real and the unreal, between the Gallo- 
Greek and the Hispano-Mauresque. between the symposium on the 
luncheon-table and the banquet on the easel. A witching Bacchante, 
who had been arranging mosaic tetserte into multitudinous patterns, 
left her puzzle and her play to press an amphora of Falernian to my 
eager lips. I felt 1 was growing classical ; my hair was cropping 
into a * Titus ; " my Ulster was folding itself into a toga ; and I 
caught myself struggling to arrange into any one of the five classical 
orders the imperfect memories of a public school education, as 
seizing a barbiton from the wall, I burst, by way of expressing my 
thanks, into a quotation from HORACE (tesselated, it may be, but all 
the more classical for that), something to the following effect, as 
well as I can remember : 

" 0<ii proftmum, puer ? apparatus ! 
Vuljrus et arceo, film pulohrior 
Die ! Utrum mavis acvipe, Tadbu, aut 

" Won't scan and construe P " All I know is I made it scan then, 
if you can't now ; and as to construing, any wise man can put his 
own construction on anything. No hyper-criticism, if you please. 

By Pol and Hercules 1 that Falernian was first-class, and must 
have been amphoraed consule Planco ! bottled in PLANCUS'S time. 
PLANCUS must have been a right good fellow the PLANCHE of 
the period, I dare say herald, antiquarian, dramatist, and poet ; 
so ' ALMA TOJDDT TADDT what "s his name P 

How I got out of this round without throwing up the sponge, is 
quite incomprehensible. But to resume * 

* We regret to have to add that the Sergeant Comroissionnaire employed 
by our worthy Publisher, who happens to be a householder, was called on, 
at a late hour, to bail our Art-Critic out of the Primrose Hill Station- House, 
whither he had been brought in a wild state of classical and Bacchanalian 
elevation, shouting " Ecoe ! ' and " lo Satcht! " which the Police Sergeant 
on duty construing into a call for tobacco, he had kindly sent out for a two- 
ounce packet of WTILS'S Best Bristol Bird's-Eye, and a clean pipe. A card 
discovered in our Art-Critic's pocket, with the address of our office, led to the 
iipplication to our worthy Commiroionnaire already mentioned. Our Art- 
Critic has not yet come up to time for "Hound Third." 

Early Birds. 

WE all know the song of "St. Patrick'* Day in the Morning f 
but we didn't know the dinner this year, like the song, was also 11 
the morning, if we may trust the Daily Telegraph advertise- 
ment : 

SATURDAY, March IT. at 6.80 A.M. ISAAC BUTT, Esq , Q.C . M.P., 
in the Chair, and a considerable number of the Irish Members expected. 




[MARCH 31, 1877. 


(Extracted from the Spirit O/PEPYS.) 


LORD DERBY did ex- 
plain to my LORD 
GRAuvriiE (Lords, 
Monday, March 19) ; 
but would needs 
thrust off upon 
LOFF, the Muscovite 

Ambassador, the delays in settling of the business. Strange, how 
nice men will be over what methinks can serve for little purpose but 
the screening of their real ends, for the which it do seem to me that 
one set of words would serve as well as another. But 'tis the business 
of diplomacy to fashion such screens ; so no wonder they of the craft 
do make much ado about what is writ upon them. Only to plain 
folks out-of-doors methinks it must needs seem that it do matter 
little. I sorry to learn that SIR HENKY ELLIOT is sick, but glad that 
he shall not go back at once to Constantinople ; and, indeed, I could 
find in my heart to wish he may never go back thither, for methinks 
one so weak were better elsewhere, seeing your Turk do need a 
strong hand in them that have the dealing with him. Besides 'tis a 
hard place for one that I do hear is a most easy gentleman, both in 
speech and carriage, though mighty pleasant, and would do well 
enough, I doubt not, in another place. Afterwards my Lords did 
talk at large on Cattle Plague, and Law Schools, and Inns of Court, 
matters I like little, and scarce know which least, but do hold them 
all plagues after their kind. 
(Commons.) By reason of Cattle Plague I do find many, both in 

and I do not well see how otherwise the plague 
And methinks I had rather, if we must have 
strange meat, that it came over dead, than alive, and bring the 
plague with it. 

be to be let down by degrees one being sent in his place, at first, 
as if for a while only. Only I do not think in my heart the 
Government be for sending Snt HENRY back; but meanwhile do 
give him many good words, which I would not have him be- 
grudged, if they comfort him. And indeed I do find all mighty 
tender to him ; as they well may be, seeing he hath but done 
what most would have had him, which is nothing. 

My LORD CHARLES BEHESFORD, a mighty brisk young Captain, 
that I do like to hear speak for his fiery spirit, did no little content 
me to-night by his brave talk of Torpedoes. And indeed I do now 
think to understand them better than I had ever hoped to do with- 
out seeing ; and strange weapons they do seem, and nasty, and able 
to blow a great ship to pieces as it were in a whiff. I do at last 
know that they are of several sorts ; some to be laid under water, 
like our land petards, and fired by the passage of a ship above them ; 
and others to be carried in boats within reach of the ship they be to 
strike ; but the most devilish to be launched from aboard the ship that 
carries them, and to run by their own moving power and their own 
steerage, and at any depth that they may be ballasted for, and so go 
straight at the enemy's ship like a bull-dog at a bull, and at the first 
touch burst, and blow the biggest ship to the bottom, and no help. 
And though I did always wonder how men should be found so mad 
to go to sea when they could stay ashore, I do now wonder at this 
more than ever, with such diabolique engines both aboard our 

y 1 . ft ' 111 I>~ * *" mffmnm luuuj, l/\Juil tu Iliu -j HUUA C V CI , WltU BUU1L UlitUUll^UC tllgillea UUUl UUUalU UUl 

^ords and Commons, would have the bringing in of Foreign Beasts ; ships of war and ready for launching against them by others. So 

MARCH 31, 1877.] 





Jfamtna. " WHY, BEAR I " 


that 'tis hard to say which is the greatest danger to blow up your- 
self, or be blown up by your enemy : whereof mi-thinks either is 
enough without the other. But I am sorry to learn that all may 
have these torpedoes, though their deviser be an Englishman one 
WnrrEHEAD. So that I marvel why our Government did not buy 
the invention of him, rather than a certain number of his torpedoes 
only. For now it seems he may and do sell them to all. And I 
do not think it well that a man should be let keep a shop, as it 
were, for sale of such infernal inventions, when we might, for a little 
money, have them all to ourselves. 

Then the House did vote more than Two and a Half Millions for 
Seamen's Wages, at which I did wonder, to think how hard we used 
to be put to it, in my time, to get a few poor Thousands. But, indeed , 
it do seem the country is grown rich in money, that all the Offices 
may have it 'for the asking ; only the difficulty is in the right spend- 
ing of it, and how to get the needful kind of virtuoso officers to 
manage the engines aboard our ships ; and to that end MB. WARD 
Hum do propose some peddling measures, but nothing fitting our 
need. And, indeed, all in this matter do seem alike at a non-plus, 
and cannot yet find the right men. And yet England, that they 
call the world's workshop, ought to furnish such men easiest ; and 
I doubt not could, if the Office could but hit the right way to get 
them. There was also a vote taken to-night for more than a 
Million, for Victualling and Clothing, which do as much amaze me 
as the monstrous sum for pay. And to think no gifts to them in the 
Office out of it all ! Which is hardest of all for me to believe. And 
a sorry thing methinks for them in the Office. 

Tuesday. My Lords up at half -past five, after some talk of Rail- 
way Accidents and Retirement of Army Officers twojhard nuts to 
crack, were the best teeth in my Lords' best heads set to them. 

(Commons.) One MB. RKOLNALD YOHKE did move an Address to 
the Crown to issue a Commission to Inquire into all Matters touching 
the Stock Exchange, and the business and usages thereof, which is 
indeed a new thing since my time, and, it do seem, ii used chiefly 
for the getting on and off the market of Bubble Loans and Com- 
panies, whereof your clever rogues do make rare pickings out of 

the losses of simple honest folk. And SIR C. RUSSELL did amaze me, 
showing how Twenty States did now owe us 305 Millions of money 
lent, and 40 Millions arrears of interest. 

But MB. ALDERMAN COTTON, and MB. STANHOPE, and others were 
against inquiry, for that the said Exchange was a need of the times. 
As I do see it is, and that without it many clever rogues would be 
cast out of a livelihood ; and they do plead that there be good 
schemes promoted thereby as well as bad ones ; and, indeed all do 
knowjthat 'tis hard for the law to come between simple fools and 
sharp knaves, and so said SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, and did give 
good reasons against such inquiry, but, nevertheless, did end by 
agreeing to it, which amazed me, that a grave man like him should 
give such good reasons against his own action; and I do indeed 
think this be one of those things whereof the saying goes" the 
more you stir it, the more it stinks" yet the House, I believe, 
was for stirring it, so the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was fain 
to yield, but methinks did it not with a good grace. And, indeed. 
I had thought SIR STAFFORD a weightier and wiser man than he did 
seem to-night. 

But, lord ! to hear how your sharp rogues do thrive by these bubble- 
blowings, and what a state they keep 1 And how of these pestilent 
bubbles, one will burst every now and then, and let the hoised 
knaves that blew it down of a sudden, and then a great stir and a 
scandal, but soon forgotten. All which I would have otherwise ; 
and had rather see things as in my time, when indeed we did pick 
and steal handsomely enough in the Offices, and did think little of 
cheating the King, but had no such mighty making of money by 
right-down roguery under the name of business as I do 'see in this 
town now-a-days. And while this is so, methinks 'tis hard to see 
what good can come of inquiring how the rogues do go about their 
knavery, for that to shut one way to them is most times but to 
open another. 

Wednesday. MB. Burr did move his Irish Land Tenure Bill 
for enabling Tenants to hold the lands against their Landlords so 
long as they should pay their rents. But the House would none of it 
by 322 to 84. And I do wonder how any one should be bold enough 



[MAEOH 31, 1877. 

to bring in such a Bill in a House mostly of landowners. But I do 
think this Bill is one not meant to pass, but only to please the more 
ignorant Irish out of the House, like many of the Bills of MR. Burr. 
But methinks he must, indeed, be ready to throw such tubs to the 
whales, or he would not bear rule at home, nor brook Home-Rule as 
he do. But as for the prosperity of Ulster, which MB. Bcii^do place 
on its law of land, I do rather, by all I can learn, hold it to come of 
the Scotch blood brought in there through KING JAMES'S Plantation 
of that part of Ireland, which hath marvellously sobered your wilder 
Irish soit, so that I would KING JAMES had so planted all'Ireland. 

Thursday (Lords). My LORD DUDLEY mighty free-spoken upon 
the Protocol, and the emptiness thereof, and the need 01 some care 
and thought for the Christians under the Turk, and how he would 
not have SIR HENRY ELLIOT go back to Constantinople, for that he 
was all for the Turk. And so did draw down a sharp rap from my 
LORD DUKE OF SOMERSET, and most from my LOUD DEEBY, that 
would not any Lord should speak strongly on such matters, seeing 
it is his way to do nothing and to say as little as may be ; and hath 
till now succeeded wondrous well therein, and will abide by it. 

In the Commons were many questions, but only work on the 
Prisons Bill, wherein I do see CROSS is one that not only means well 
but do better than most ; and IJmuch contented with his carriage of 
all matters about his Bill to-night. 


(An outline', ly LGKD CHARLES BBBESTOHD, Ailed in by 

ON the evening of a cold 
spring day sat a wea- 
ther -beaten man on,the 
beach of an exposed part 
of the Yorkshire coast. 
In spite of the almost 
wintry wind that 
blew his gar- 
ments hither 
and thither, he 
calmly con- 
tinued Ms em- 
ployment of 
sketching the 
seascape before 

" This work," 
he murmured, 
" is congenial to 
my tastes, and I 
shall grow strong 
and hearty in 
this exposed 
situation. Let 
me see, what 
have I done to- 
day ? This 
morning was de- 
voted to seizing 
contraband ar- 
ticles from a 
score of smug- 
glers. After I 
took my lunch I 
placed the 
ground torpe- 
does yonder 
where the sun is 
dipping his rays 
in the water. 
This afternoon 
my studies of 

fortification and military history were interrupted by a shipwreck. 
It was annoying, but I saved the crew in my steam life-boat. I must 
work harder to-morrow, or I shall not pass the monthly examination 
ordered by the Lords of the Admiralty. I could not bear that dis- 
grace. It would be too hard to put the School-Board (to whom I owe 
all my technical knowledge and accomplishments) to open shame ! It 
must not be ! nay, it shall not be ! 

The sun having now sunk behind the distant horizon, the 
Coastguardsman gathered up his sketching materials, and returned 
to his watch-tower. He had hardly opened a scientific work upon 
gunnery when the signal-bell of the telegraphic apparatus informed 
him that a message was on its road. In a moment he was at the 
instrument, anxiously waiting for information. 

" A despatch from the Admiralty 1 " he exclaimed, as the needles 

moved rapidly from side to side. And then he repeated the message 
word for word " War is declared. Keep a sharp look-out. The 
enemy's fleet is " He could read no more, for the needles sud- 
denly stopped ; and further examination convinced him that the 
wire of communication between his office and Whitehall had been 

"What shall I do?" he asked himself in an undertone. And 
then he listened. The sounds of horses' hoofs striking the hard, 
flinty road without, reached his eager ears. Rapidly arming himself, 
he rushed out, and formed himself (aa well as the resources at his 
command would permit) into a hollow square. He waited patiently 
for a few minutes, and, hearing nothing more, extended himself in 
skirmishing order. The last movement had the desired effect. A 
regiment of Uhlans appeared, and were rapidly demolished by the 
Gatling gun he had brought with himlfor the purpose. 

" It is lucky that I have the Field Exercises at my fingers'-ends," 
he murmured. " Without the knowledge culled from the Red Book, 
I could never have performed these manoeuvres with such success 
and steadiness." 

_But once more silence reigned around. No longer able to restrain 
his impatience to learn the worst he took from the pocket of his 
rough sailor's coat a small mortar, and loaded it with gun-cotton 
and a parachute shell. In another nwment the sea and land for 
miles round were illuminated with a brilliant light. 

" As I expected," he observed, with a grim smile. " The enemy's 
fleet is in the offing." 

He could say no more, for immediately the air became thick with 
shells, which rapidly exploded in the most dangerous manner. The 
Coastguardsman, without any unnecessary delay, threw himself 
upon Ms face, and crawled back, like a serpent, to his tower, which 
was of course subterranean. 

Once in this place of security he approached an instrument con- 
nected with the telegraphic apparatus, which looked somewhat like 
an old harpsichord. Rapidly sweeping his fingers over the keys, 
immediately the distant sea was convulsed in many places. He had 
fired the sunken torpedoes. Then he crawled above ground, and by 
the light of the moon, which had now risen, ascertained, with the 
assistance of a telescope, that a couple of dozen Iron-clads had been 
blown to atoms. A distant cheer informed him, however, much to 
his chagrin, that only a portion of the enemy's fleet had been 

" I must get out my 200-ton gun," he murmured, angrily. " And 
then good-bye to my studies for to-night." 

Crawling stealthily to a hidden boathouse, he crept into what 
seemed to be a floating gun-carriage propelled by steam. On a 
lucifer being applied to the fuel, ready [laid in the furnaces, the 
machine immediately got up steam, and, consuming its own 
smoke, left the shore. The floating gun-carriage lay low in the 
water, and was painted to represent a miniature wave. At a few 
yards' distance the boat could not be distinguished from the water. 
By turning a few handles, and steering cleverly, he was able to load 
and fire Ms formidable weapon a dozen times, and each shot de- 
molished an Iron-clad. Again he loaded and fired, but at length 
without effect. The floating fortress had conquered the floating gun. 
His weapon had at last become valueless. 

Nothing daunted, he put some more fuel into the furnace, and 
increased the speed of his little craft. When he was within a 
thousand yards of the remainder of the enemy's fleet, he lowered a 
dozen floating cases like gigantic cigars, lighted their fuses, and the 
cases instantaneously plunged under water. 

" It is rather cruel, he murmured. " but it can't be helped." 

In another minute and a half, twelve of WHITEHEAD'S torpedoes 
had been exploded, and the remaining Iron-clads were reposing 
in pieces at the bottom of the sea. 

Thoughtfully the Coastguardsman returned to his subterranean 
tower. He rushed to Ms desk, and dashed off, with the aid of a 
type-writer, a brilliant account of his proceedings. He had taken 
seven impressions at once. The original he put in an envelope for 
the Admiralty; the copies were addressed to the Editors of the 
leading journals. 

Then he mounted a bicycle, and, after half an hour's ride, found 
the severed wire. He connected the metal with his pocket instru- 
ment, and telegraphed to London, " The enemy's ships accounted for. 
Send divers by early train to-morrow to raise them, for the sake of 
the old iron. The Lords of the Admiralty are respectfully informed 
that they can now retire to rest with easy minds." 

Then the Coastguardsman posted his letters, and, having in- 
effectually swept the sea with his glass to discover if it were 
possible to save any of the crews in hia steam life-boat, returned to 
his tower. 

Here, tired with Ms day's exertions, he set his alarum at 
a quarter to five, played Mule Britannia (with some brilliant 
variations) on Ms violin, wrapped himself in the Union Jack, and 
in a few moments was enjoying the sleep that follows upon .duty 

MARCH 31, 1877.] 





You MO m- 

r 11 riii lily so rery 
kind to Ladies, 
that I cannot help 
asking you for 
your opinion 
about the new 
Tournament Cluti. 
Do you know it w 
to be so grand '' 
The object of the 
Club is the " re- 
vival of chivalric 
sports under dit- 

age. There's to 
be quintain and 
tilting at the ring, 
and the prizes are 
to be given away 
by a Queen of 
Heauty. Another 
< hivalric sport is 
to be "flveoVlock 
rom three to 
half -past six dur- 
ing the season. 

Xow, doesn't this sound very nice '( My only fear is, that if 
FX becomes a member he will hurt iHTastAi'.dreadfulli/ with 
.11, which is a bag of sand, or something'. horrible of that 
n't it '( The poor boy rides a good many stones more than he 
did a few years ago. For all that he is quite too awfully charm- 
ing, and I certainly should not permit him to receive a prize 

from any Queen of Beauty but Well, my modesty won't allow 

me to say any more. And that reminds me how are the Queens of 
llcauty to be ohosen ? If the Ladies are put up for ballot, and 
elected by their own sex. none of them will ever be taken. 

"Tilting at the ring ' being permitted, I suppose is a delicate 
way of saying that flirtation won't be forbidden. But really I think 
the Tournament will be quite too dangerous, and just a little bit 
ridiculous. I see that the Committee want to find a town house. 
Don't you think they had better fix their head-quarters at AsTLEt's f 
Believe me, my dear Mr. Punch, 

Yours most affectionately, 
The Boudoir, Baytwater. A CLEVEH LITTLE WOMAIT. 


(lli i addrtaes the Editor, expresses hit sincere regret, and 
announces a courageous intention.) 


I CAinwr explain how grieyed I am to have been compelled, 
by circumstances over which I hare not now, nor ever shall have, 
any control, to absent myself from the gay Metropolis at what is the 
very Preface of the Season. His Royal Highness has been with 
you, but I have not. Now he leaves you for a little tour which I 
sincerely trust he will enjoy : and I am with you for a few weeks, 
just to start the Season, and then again to horse, and away ! 

My chief regret, I own, is that I have been unable to see Haska 
at Drury Lane that Spicerian Drama which has engaged the atten- 
tion of " the gentlemen of the Long Robe," and advertised itself at 
some considerable expense to the Author. 

But I hare seen the Picture, up in front of Drury Lane, repre- 
senting, in beautifully bright colours, a young lady, presumably 
Jlnxkii the Heroine, about to throw herself out of a large window, 
while a gentleman, evidently belonging to the upper classes of 
foreign society, and something between King Belshacxar in the old- 
fashioned children's picture-books, and the conventional Richard 
the Third, is standing in an attitude of surprise, not unmingled 
with indignant disgust at least such was the impression conveyed 
to my mind by his deep-pink-blush face. From behind the arras 
issues a crowd of armed men rushing out, either to seize the foreign 
nobleman (taking him unawares while in this state of blushing in- 
dignation), or to prevent Hatka from committing what the police 
reports would term " the rash act." 

But I have no time to dilate on the artistic composition, which will 
not (unless I am misinformed) be in this year's Academy. 

All I have to say is this, that I regret my inability to witness the 
performance of the play, unless it runs over Easter. If it does, then 

I am there representing you, Sir, I am all there. If it does not, 
then a* Drury Lane is to be let very soon, I am half-inclined to hire 
it for one night ; with MR. KPICEU s assistance, merely to represent 
Jlaska to a uelect audience, only no one will be admittni tr/n, has not 
I himself with n toucher sigmd hy three Peeresses 
in their mrn rig/it, anil by H.U.H., fur HKB MAJESTY. Then,per- 
h,tpt, 1 may allow them to come in on payment of tire sovereigns, 
and no change given. 

However, that project is tn nubibus or in boobibus at present, 
though I atu 'pen to an <>))> r. 

No, Sir, I have made up my mind, and when I have finished my 
packing I am going to ride to Khiva, or -omfwhere else. I do not wish 
it my gallant I vur BUHNAHV ; no, far from it. But 

to Khiva I wilt go, my boys, to K hi va I will go. I don't know where 
it is, and Id ' hat makes the undertaking more perilous (as 

I might take the wrong turning to begin with), and my conduct the 
more plucky. I think I shall open a subscription list. There *re. 
lots of people tcant me tn go atcny I me:in to rvie to Khiva, and to 
see what it's like before th> .emselves. I've often 

" ridden to cover " (or A'lVfr, as the Cockneys would call it/ ; but I 've 
never done Khiva. 

Xo matter, particulars as to subscriptions will be soon started in 
this Journal, and at Khiva, or elsewhere, mounted or on foot, believe 
me always to be 



.T.E sez 'tis a toss-up whether there ' join to be peece or war. 
It ought for to be quite differnt. The right toes-up wood be Roosher 
and Turky tossin witch o' the 2 shood disharm lust. Wot a loark 
'twood be to ae the BUI/TUN and the F.MPRFK AI.IKZAXDEH, or their 
coper. Or the toss cood come oil over ere upon nutral ground 'tween 
tke Itooshan and Turkish Ambassadors afore LORD DARBY and LORD 
SALSBURT and yerself, to se fair play wile they cride " Man " or 
"Ooman." Honly the wust on it praps yule think ood be 
likely to be that Roosher 'd want to toss on the imderstandin of eds 
i win tales you lose. Utharways the only further kvestohun fur the 
Diplermats to considder wood be about makin the Game between the 
I contractin Partees and wether it ad beter be best too out o 3 or 
Suddin Deth. Nex time you sieze BEN BACONSFEELD jest you giv 
im the abuv Tipp with mi luv. E can then perpose it in the propper 
kevarter at Bunt Peetersburg witch if then offered to the Sublime 
Port wot cood A i.i K/ \NIIKU say fairer than that ? A namesake of 
isn I 've eerd Swels say wunce cum across a Not as e coodn't unty, 
and witch e accordinly cut with is Board. Wood the ALI K/ANDKU 
wot is rayther do it jpeeceful Y Wei then e can tri the agrcment of 
tossin to tackle the Gorgin Nott. Oxfurd and Cambridge tosses fur 
fust chice o sides on the River. 'Twas only this wery mornin as I 
meself tost for a pint of arf-an-arf and won. That 's wot put it 
into my ed that Roosher and Turky mite be inwited to f oiler the 
exampel of the Varsity Craze, and yores trnley, exoep that insted 
of toastE agin one pal only for that ere bere, I went 


The. Checkers (SpelUn Reform Crib], Wensdau. 

On finding the fragments of an Egg upon the Chair of 
Vice-Chancellor Malins. 

HENS sit, and Judges sit 'tis fair to match 'em, 
Since one has lately given much pains to Hatcham, 
And laid a yoke (some say) on our Theology : 
But this egg surely had its nest mistaken. 
Eggs in the Rolls would scarcely need apology, 
And every one has heard of Eggs and BATON. 
How then account for this misplaced oration ? 
Why thus ! Our memory may have its failings 
But we account for it by this quotation, 
" Alt ovo usque ad (Flacco pace) J/.i t-iss." 

A Novel Case. 

"AT Taunton Assue*, yesterday, before MR. Jcmcn HAWKTJCS, JAHBS 
JLBBP, station-muter at Wellow, was charged with the mantUoghter of 
BLIZABETH EDOB and twelve other persona, who were killed in the Kadstock 
Railway accident, owing to his having started a train on a single line when 
another was due in the opposite direction. A sentence of twelve months' 
imprisonment was passed.' 

We have known of but too many Railway Accidents caused by 
want of sleep among the Company's Servants, but the Radstock 
uvident is the only instance we ever heard of, of an accident caused 
try one SLEEP too many among those in the Company's employment. 



[MARCH 3i, 1677. 




[ Young Lady, who only cares for what is really old, is convinced, and buys the Rug. 



" Whatever may be said in praise of the grand Audience Hall of the Dolma- 
Baghtche, its acoustic properties must be left out of the commendation. An 
echo worse than that which necessitated the use of a velarium, in a certain 
hall on the western outskirts of the British capital, resounds through the 
great chamber of the marble palace on the Bosphorus. No such expedient as 
a velarium having suggested itself to the authorities exercising control over 
the proceedings, the Secretary's utterances were nearly unintelligible. The 
Speech, which was very long, gave a history of the formation of the Turkish 
Constitution, insisted on the necessity of reform, enumerated many laws, and 
specially promised a review of the financial position of Turkey." 

Daily Telegraph, 

On, a % for the Speech ! Mr. Punch's sharp ear 
Was a-cock for that Echo ; an Echo as queer 

As ever a Pat answered patly. 
Its report was the thing that the Sage overheard, 
Whilst the Deputies squatted in postures absurd, 
And on ears of which few comprenended one word 

The SULTAN'S palaver fell flatly. 

And what, as he gazed on those smoke-puffing ranks, 
Did Mr. Punch hear P Well, a turning of cranks 

A sort of queer clookworky grinding ; 
As though an automaton caucus were there, 
Very stiff in the joints and much out of repair, 
And a Showman, unused to the work, with all care 

Were the motive machinery winding. 

He heard a strange sound, too, half chuckle half groan, 
Above the wigged Speaker's monotonous drone. 

As he summarised, promised, exhorted : 
And, well, Mr. Punch from mis-statement would shrink, 
But if such a thing as a general wink 
Might be rendered in sound, he 'd be tempted to think 

That also the Echo reported. 

Then he thought he heard History shaking her head 
At the SULTAN'S " historical facts," as 'tis said 

She would do, in old days, 'at DISEAELI. 
Then a chorus of Bondholders howled in his ear 
At the Padishah's views of finance ; one may fear 
As a GLADSTONE'S or GOSCHEN'S they were not so clear, 

Though glibly reeled out, if not gaily. 

When he spake of Reform that rude Echo laughed loud ; 
But the mirth seemed to struggle with groans from the crowd 

Of Slav millions yet ruled from the Bosphorus. 
" Reform ! " wailed the voices, " when Pashas still_sway, 
With legions of Bashi-Bazouks in their pay, 
And Policy bids us with patience to stay, 

While the diplomates play piteh-and-toss for us ? " 

When the thanks of the SULTAN to Allah arose, 
That Echo most surely held finger to nose 

(If Echoes have noses and fingers), 
So sly and so nasally 'cute was its tone. 
As it said " Well, suppose we leave Allah alone, 
While murder and lust stain our country's hearth-stone, 

And corruption among us still lingers." 

But when the Speech preferred Turk friendship all round, 
The Echo returned such a composite sound 

Of doubt, indignation, and laughter, 
That the Bear-Garden Palace seemed fidl of the row. 
So Punch made the Echo his very best bow, 
And left Dolma-Baghtche, not caring, somehow, 

To listen to aught that came after. 

STOCK EXCHANGE REFORM. Restore the parochial Stocks and 
also the Pillory, put the greater rogues amongst the Stock-Specu- 
lators, Riggers, Ringers, Promoters, and Bubble-Blowers into the 
one, and the lesser if there be any in the other. 











7 1 v 

MABCH 31, 1877.] 




ETWEF.N the Stock Exchange 
and Ix>mbard Street Green 
Geese have been observed 
in considerable flights, 
following each other's lead 
aa usual. 

I.ame Ducks have also 
been met with. 

Several Larks have been 
dropped upon by the Police 
near the Haymarket, and 
more than the usual number 
of Gaol-birds and Roughs 
may be expected during the 
suburban spring meetings. 

Thrushes have been seen 
at TATTERSALL'S, but not 

Flocks of Hawks and 
Pigeons flutter unmolested 
about the head-quarters of 
the principal race meetings, 
and have even been seen as 
near aa Hnrlingham and 
Samlown Park. 

Turtle Doves will pair 
freely after Lent. 

Nightingales may be expected early in April. Their notes pro- 
mise to be higher than ever. 
Rooks and Jackdaws may be looked for at the Levees. 

Another Train dashes pat. 

Km/til liny Clerk (shouting with merriment). Well I never ! And 
what did HILL say to that ? 

Charles. Well of course this made BILL very shirty, so he says, 

says he ( Violent ringing of the signal-bell.) Hallo ! what 's 

the row now ? 

Small Soy Clerk (at telegraph). Oh, nothing very much only a 
fatal accident. We have lots of 'em on our line. Go on. 

Charles. And BILL says, says he, " I '11 eat mymif nd the 
elephant too if it ain't SAMMY'H old bull territ r ! " 

[Scene closes in, amidst peals nf laughter. 


SCENB The Interior af it Jlni/imii/ Signal- Sax. Small Boy Clerk 
discovered Chatting with his Friend. 

Small Soy Clerk. It was very good of you, CHARLIE, to come to 
cheer me up a bit. After twelve hours' duty one gets awfully 
lonely. (Electric signal-bell rings.) 

Charles (his Friend). I say, Old Man, don't you think you ought 
to find out what they want at the next station ? That 's the fourth 
time that blessed bell has been set a-ringing! 

Small Soy Clerk. Oh ! it 's only some chaff or other. They are 
always up to their torn-foolery. 

Train dashes past. 

Charles. Hallo! what's that? 

Small Soy Clerk (scratching his head). Well, I don't exactly 
know. It 's either the mail, or an extra special, or the relief. You 

see, while I was talking to you (Signal-bell ringt.) Confound 

that fellow there he is up to his pranks again ! 

Charles. I say, oughtn't you to see what it 's all about ? Come, 
show us how you work the thing. 

Small Soy Clerk. All right ! Look here ! You take the handles 
like this, and work 'em so. 

Charles. What does ho want? 

Small Jitiy Clerk. Oh ! some bosh about when the train 's left. 
He 's always at his nonsense. Just you take the handles, and work 
'em so. (Charles obeys.) There, that will shut him up ! 

Charles. What have you telegraphed P 

Another Train dashes past. 

Small Sou Clerk (laughing). Oh, it means " All right ! " 

Charles. But, I say. supposing the line 's blocked F 

Small Soy Clerk. Well, then it will serve him jolly well right 
for playing the fool. And now tell us that story that you began 
just now. 

A third Train dashes past. 

Charles. Well, it teas great larks! You see we got the dog 
quietly down to the back of the public, and there we met BILL 
SIMMONDS. Says BOX., " Is the match on ?" " Yes," says I, " if 
you can only get big enough rats." 

Two more Trains dash past. 

Small Soy Clerk (laughing). That was a good nn ! But stay a 
moment ; I don't [understand these trains. I 've been so long on 
duty I 'm getting quite confused. (Telegraphs.) There, now I hare 
asked him what 's the matter. (Needles work.) There, what did I 
tell you P he's always playing the fool. He's answered back, 
"All right ! " Well, I can't help it. Go on. If the rats are only 
big enough yes P 

Charles. So TOMMY comes np and says, gays he, " Call that a dog? 
why he 's more like an elephant." Well of course we all roared 
at that. 


THE Third Schedule of the Education Code, 1H77 (Needlework), 
requires the following from Infants, age three to fire : 

'Position drill, humming, simple, on strips, beginning with black cotton, 
ruing to red, and goinp on to blue. 

II' mimnjr, simple and counter, to show any garment which can be made 
entirely by thee, e.g., a child's common pinafore." 

Imagine a class of thirty infants from three to five, each armed 
with a needle, and superintended by a somewhat larger infant in 
the shape of a pupil-teacher, aged fourteen, all working out my 
Lords' sentence to make their own pinafores ! We all know that 
children between these ages look on buttons, peas, and similar small 
objects as stoppers for the nose and ears, and on thimbles and 
marble* as nourishing things to swallow. Who can say what may 
be the consequences of arming these enterprising little experi- 
mentalists with pins and needles? Perhaps it is to prevent any 
catastrophe from this marvellous regulation that the KHEDIVE 
.TIT has chosen this moment to make the British nation a present 
of Cleopatra's Needle, which is biff enough to do all the sewing for 
all the elementary schools of the kingdom. But this is not all my 
Lords lay down in that way of that stitch in time, which, let UH hope, 
may save nine hereafter. Children from five to seven are expected to 
do hemming, seaming, felling, pleating, and knitting," and at twelve 
or thirteen to be proficient in all branches of needlework, knitting, 
and cutting out. 

If my Lords don't succeed in sewing up the children by these 
wonderful regulations, they will the teachers. 

Who would be a Governess P 

WHAT is the difference between a Servant and a Governess P This 
is not a conundrum, but a question that arises after the perusal of 
the following advertisement : 

HOUSEMAID (young) WANTED, immediately, to assist Governess. 
Apply, &c. 

The next domestic Wanted will be a Governess to help the House- 
maid, or possibly the Cook, in her duties, till at last, as education 
spreads, Governess becomes synonymous with Maid-of-all-work. 

Our Boat-race Prophecy. 

PROPHETIC Punch! laat vreek saw plain expressed, 
How Light and Dark Blue passed the Ship abreast ; 
Behold, this week the prophecy comes true. 
In the dead-heat 'twist ftoyal and Sky-blue! 

Equality Underground. 

AimrABVBHTpfG on the Ministerial Burials Bill, the Jfoneon- 
f or mitt complains that 

" It is bread the Nonconformists ask for, and they bare flung to them a 

But if that stone'is a headstone in a National Churchyard , it should 
surely go a great way to satisfy reasonable Nonconformists. 


" IGNATTRFF a humbug ? " Let LIEBUEICII make reply : 
Say, Doctor, hod the General not something in his eye P 

BARON ROTHSCHILD'S boons on the recent Imperial purchase of Suez 
Canal Shares. 

THE FEAST OF ALL FoOUI. More than is good for them. 



[MABCII 31, 1877. 



LE chagrin stimulait tant (dit-on) 
L'appetit de la chaste Didon, 

Qua la fuite d'Ene"e 

La belle de'laisse'e 
Dina du dos d'un dodu dindon ! 

UN Marin naufrage" (de Doncastre) 
Four priere, au milieu du ddaastre, 

liojxStait it genouz 

Cea mota simplea et douz : 
"Scintillez, scintillez, petit aatre I " 

UN vieux duo (le meilleur des ^poux) 
Demandait (en lui tatant le pouls) 

A sa vieille duchesse 

(Qu'un vieux catarrhe oppresse) :- 
" Et ton th^, t'a-t-il 8te ta toux " 

Autrefois, en voyant deux athletes 
Se polichineller leurs deux t4tes, 

MONSIBUE PONCH leur a dit : 

" Routitoutitoutt I 
Quels atouts reguliera vous deux Stea I " 

MARCH 31, 1877.] 




Near-sighted, but hard-riding Gentleman. " JUMPED OVER SOMI FELLOW IN THAT DITCH 1 STRIKES ME IT WAS MY SON TOM!" 


In hum&'e imitation of that recently fulminated by her Venerable Friend 
at the Vatican. 

"The POI-B pronounced a brief allocution, affirming with greater vehe- 
mence the declarations made by him in the allocution of the 12th hut , and 
adding that ho would raise a protest before the whole world against the 
" ! to deprive him of liberty of speech." 

attempt that waa being made I 

Matty Telegraph. 

WELL, I pities the POPE, that I does ; which his doctrines is down- 
right and manly, 

(And not merely moonshine and mist, like the trash of that mealy- 
mouthed STANLEY) : 

To hear him a dealing out cusses, and letting fly adjectives- 
whoppers I 

Must comfort and 'stablish true hearts, and give infidel consciences 

The way us Old Parties is treated is daily becoming more horrid ; 
In wain 'do our protests wax louder, our metyfors more and more 

My broom 's no more use than a bullrush ; dear Pius's ban ain't 

much stronger ; 
And as for the old Tory rattle, they daren't even shake it no longer ! 

The "World will not heed its Old Women, in bombazine, True-Bine, 

or Scarlet ; 
But me, MRS. GAMP, and the POPE, is mere butts for each wioious 

young warlet. 
We weeps and deplores and protests, shake our besom.'our Bull, or 

our gingham, 
But cannot to decency drive 'em, nor, much more, to betterment 

bring 'em. 

They tramples all rights under-foot, like a herd of mad swine 

which they are it ! 
The flood of the red revolution sweeps on, and our wailings won't 

bar it. 

They prigs all our places and perks, all our prophecies turns into 

And smashes up Customs and Creeds, Crowns and Churches, like so 

much old Crockery. 

They forges iniquitous ties may they twist into knots as '11 hang 

They laughs when we beg and beseech, and they sets up their backs 

when we slang 'em ; 
They cuts down our powers and properties ruthless, the bragian 

brutes do ! 
Tearing up our " beneficent plants," which they now is but plants, 

by the roots, too. 

Their papers, and pamphlets, and speeches a plague on the whole 

wicked lot of 'em ! 
Insinivates falsehoods against us, till thousands is gulled by the rot 

of 'em. 
The villanies vomited forth that 's the word from their platforms 

and presses, 
Mean mischief in every line, and must end in the awfnllest messes. 

True for you, my poor Prr/8 1 a prisoner, pent by fell foes in the 

Vatican ! 
I sympathise much with your woes, I can feel for your sufferings, 

that I can. 
All the world, save ourselves, is gone wrong in its creeds and its 

laws and its politics, 
And Civilisation's new clock to the tune of delirious folly ticks. 

And now they would tie up our tongues, as the werry last weapons 

they 've left us ; 
But, drat 'em ! they shan't stop our talk, who of all other bliss have 

bereft us. 
There 's comfort in cussing all round us Old Women it cheers and 

To know, though our hands they have shackled, they can't pnt the 

gag on our woices. 




[MARCH 31, 1877. 


Squire (desiring to improve the taste of Us Country Friends, has introduced at hi 
table in the place of the usual brandied Spanish ami. Portuguese, wines, the natura 
vintages of France and Germany). " Now, MB. BAKLEYMBAP, HOW BO YOU LIK 


Farmers. "THANKY, SIE ; IT'S UNCOMMON NICE. (lie had drunk a bottle or 


Or, After the Dead-Heat. By Kmi HUP, ESQ. 

I AM a Coster well to do ; 

I keeps my cart and donkeys two. 

And daily drives 'em up and down 

The road 'tween ' Ammersmith and Town. 

And every blessed year, the Blues, 
Of Oxford and of Cambridge, 
On every think wot passes by, 
Continually arrests my heye. 

'Taint only nateral for the gals 

To wear 'em, cos they loves fal-lals. 

But likewise all the t'other sex 

Got ribbons round their 'ats and necks. 

There 's colours nigh the 'andle tips 
Of all the cab and busmen's whips ; 
And one or t'other bow appears 
As well about each oss's ears. 

But bein of himparshal mind, 
Nor more to neither side inclined, 
I sports an 'atband for one Crew, 
With fogle of the rival blue. 

And also to keep up the joke, 

Light Blue and dark on either moke ; 

And every party passin' we, 

Applauds, and cries, " There goes them Three : 

But this 'ere time we three was right 
In sportin' dark and also light ; 
Although we did it hall for fun : 
As neither on 'em lost nor won ! 

Lessons in Massacre. 
(For Young Ladies.) 

How to smile, and murder while yovi smile. 

How to look die-away while busy in destroying. 

How to have a fellow's heart out of him in no time. 

How to be the death of any number of partners. 

How to cultivate Fccil assassin, in toilette de matin, de 
promenade, de voiture, et de soir, respectively. 

(Taught in easy lessons, by Mr. Punch, to such pretty 
girls as may honour him with their confidence.) 


"He [Da. SCHLIBMANN] was attracted to the lady who is now Mils. SCHLIE- 
MANN by her ability to translate the ' Song Divine,' and has since cultivated 
her powers by refusing in their walks to enter upon other subjects before she 
had repeated a certain number of lines." Times, March 17. 

ALREADY we hear from every side of the good effects produced by 
this excellent peripatetic example. It is rapidly influencing other 
couples. Its beneficial operation upon hearts which know and under- 
stand each other can hardly be over-estimated. Here are one or two 
instances, selected at random, of its marvellous working in this short 
space of time. . m 

MR. and MBS. STANHOPE GATES regularly when they are in lown 
take a walk together every morning in Kensington Gardens after 
breakfast. They now enter upon none of the ordinary topics of con- 
versation until MRS. GATES has recited, to the satisfaction of her 
husband, either a scene from SHAKSPEARE, or one ol MILTON s 
minor poems. 

MB. MONTAGU TUBTLE and Miss JULIET DOVE have lately become 
engaged, and never miss a dair without spending some portion of it 
in each other's society. If it is fine, they meet in the Park, or the 
" Grove," or on the Embankment. If the weather is unfavourable 
to outdoor mutual adoration, MONTAGU calls at the house of JULIET'S 
Aunt. He is a devout scholar of CARLYLE and RUSKUT, and it has 
now become the inexorable rule that, after the first greetings, not 
another word shall be spoken until darling JULIET the most 
amiable girl breathing, but wanting, perhaps, a little cultivation- 
has repeated a selected passage from one of the two great authors 
just mentioned. 

See ! MB. and MRS. GREY MAYOB pacing up and down the well- 
kept paths of their roomy garden before luncheon. He raises his 
sonorous voice, he uses gesture, emphasis, action ! She, a superior 
woman, an intellectual being, a keen politician, listens eagerly with 
rapt attention to the latest leader on the Peace Negotiations, which 

I MR. OBEY MAYOR has been busy since breakfast learning by heart 

Thosattece sisters EMMBLINE andHEBMioNE agreed at once to 
convert their daily rides into a source of intellectual enjoyment and 
improvement, instead of making them an occasion of frivolous 
gossip about parties, amusements, the milliner's art, and butterfly 
novefs. Between canters, they repeat to each other alternately 
passages from their favourite poets and philosophers, both home and 
foreign and now and again they rem up their steeds beneath the 
stately trees and read translations of some of the choicest examples 
of melody, diction, and profundity. 

The youV Ladies who are finishing their education under the eye 
of Hiss DE COBAM, have voluntarily determined to devote the farst 
half of the hour allotted for noonday recreation m the spacious 
grounds attached to Lawn Mansion, to questioning each other on 
the leading events in Grecian and Roman History. . 

ROWLAND TUXFORD is enchanted with the prospect. He is going 
again to Thistlebury, this next long Vacation, to read at the 
Vicarage, and foresees that it will not be distasteful to the eldest 
daughter of the house to listen to him, m their country rambles, 
while he pours forth long quotations from his favourite author- 
EUCLID. ===== 

Our Novel Series. (To the Public.) 

UP to the present time the 'successful competitor has been cer- 
tainly ME. PL-MS-LL. We await with anxiety the nrst instalment 
of SIB W-LFR-D L-WS-N'S contribution. We have not yet been put 
in possession of the title, but, from a hint that has been dropped m 
our Office, we fancy that we shall not he tar out in announcing the 
name of the Novel in question as 

It will appear immediately after the Recess. 

API ii. 7, 1877.] 




-*"''' f<-i!/ (I* Child of the Bouse.) "Tin MB, LITTIK BOY, WAS IT YOUB 

" COPT " m 

COPT " m ' Lcc 

CWW o/<A //OIM (in grc at trepidation). " Boo-Hoo-OO-oo I WANT NUMBT ! 


DURING the EUM.T Holidays MH. <;I.AHSTONB will 
deliver Addresses on the Murials Kill, the !' r 
Question, and WILLIAM CAXTON. 

It has transpired (through a lu-yhole) that Ma. GLAD- 
STOKE IH about to make his appearance in an entirely new 
arena of distinction. His spare moments are all devoted to 
:!' oompletionof a large oil painting (an Homeric Subject) 
which lie will contribute to the new Grosvenor Gallery. 

Immediately after the recess MB. GLADSTONE will hold 
with the members of the Stock Exchange 

i tin ir present position and future prospects. 

M R. < . i x busy with a paper for the New Shaks- 

peare Society "ii " SHAKSPEARE'S Political Opinions." 

MIL GLADSTONE'S next Lecture to tlie Members of the 
Hawardtm Mechanics' Institute will deal with that dis- 
puted question, " Tin: li.itauy of the Moon." 

One of the Friday livening Meetings of the Royal 
Institution will probably be given up to a paper by 
Mi;. GI.UISTOXK on " Easter Eggs, and the Way to 
Hatch 'Km.'' 

As' President of the Hawarden Cricket Club, MR. 
GLADSTONE has undertaken to revise and remodel the 
Rules of that body. 

" Pulpits and Preachers" is the attractive title of the 
Lecture which MR. GLADSTONE will deliver in Exeter 
([all in May, to the Young Men's Mutual Edification 

MR. GLADSTONE'S journey to Sweden, to investigate 
the Gothcmburg system as advocated by MH. CHAMIIKU- 
r .Aiir, M.I* V is postponed until the summer. 

Negotiations are pending with MH. GLADSTONE- for an 
Address to be spoken on the opening of Her Majesty's 

Ma. GLADSTONE'S next article in the Enlightened 
e-.M>, ( will be on "Welsh Mammalia, including the 

Letters from MB. GLADSTONE in answer to corre- 
pondents on Easter Dues, Churchwardens' Elections. 
he respective merits of Apollinaris and Taunus Water 
he FoDc-Lore of Hot Cross Buns, Deep-Sca Soundings' 
he rival claims of Scotch and Irish Whiskey, the exact 
meaning of Protocol, the proper pronunciation of IGNA- 
IEFF, &c., will shortly appear in the public papers. 

Celebrities I Don't Want to Know. 
THAT scandal-loving old sinner MBS. GBUNDT. 
DUKE HUMPHHBT'S Chefde Cuisine. 
The President of the Hanging Committee Jack Ketch. 
And the Lion-Comique, the flatness of whose voice is 
nly equalled by the stateness of his matter. 


lane <%ibetj| 


i 2 l JKTE&b I'M?', ? he y? e Walk > Chehea, on Saturday, 
; Buried at WoUmg Cemetery, Monday, March 2G. 

BS " 1 " 

f H' "w ter f ?,? AS HnonES . Q-C-, and daughter-in- 
of the late NASSAU W. SENIOR, was appointed by the RIGHT 
HONOURABLE JAVKS SIASS, >-,..,, President of the Local ^overnmenl 
Board, first, in February, 1873, temporary Assistant Inspector, and 
B January 18,4, permanent Inspector of the Department, to 
inquire, and reporf, especially, on the female departments of 
Workhouses and Workhouse Schools, and the care and education 

"" t he ?. ur , 8illK of infants ' She was forced 

8he dl ^ to resign this employment in 

Nor for the bright face we no more shall see, 

.Not tor the sweet voice we no more shall hear ; 
JNot lor the heart with kindness brimming o'er 

Large charity, and sympathy sincere. 
These are not things that ask a public pen 

To bla/on its memorial o'er her name 
But, that in public work she wrought with men, 

1 faced their frowns, and over-lived their blame. 
Yet never swerved a hair's breadth from the line 

ut woman s softness, gentleness, and grace ; 

But brought from these an influence to refine 

Rough tasks and squalid, and there leave its trace. 
Honour to him who in a sneering age, 

Braved quip and carp and cavil, and proclaimed 
A woman's fitness pauper needs to gauge, 

In purpose strong, in purity unshamed. 
For paupers too have sex : the workhouse walls 

Hold mothers, maidens, and girl-babes, on whom 
A woman's eye with woman's insight falls, 

Sees its own ways for sunlight to their gloom. 
And so this noble and brave lady turned 

From glad life, luxury, and thronging friends 
That hung on her sweet voice, and only yearned 

To guide her holy work to useful ends. 
But Death to Life begrudged her, striking down 

Hi r task unfinished from her willing hands, 
Leaving to women yet to come the crown 

Of her left life's-work, that for others stands. 
Then lay and leave her in her quiet grave, 

Where the sun shines undimmed, the rain falls clear, 
And birches bend, and deodaros wave 

Evergreen arms of welcome o'er her bier. 


TUFT are talking about a newly-discovered Infra - Mtrruriul 
Il'ift. We are watching the last-discovered /Mw-Merourml 
Planet. It is called, GLADSTONE." 



7, 1877. 


(Extracted from the Spirit of PBPYS.) 

. ~^ - move for a Select Committee (Friday, 

March. 23, Lords) to inquire into the powers of Commissioners of bewers, 
Drainage and Navigation Boards, and how they might best and cheapest be 
set to work for hindering of floods, and storing of waters. Nor, indeed, 
before 'tis need thereof, now that both Thames-side, and so much of the 
Midland parts has been flooded till bodies have scarce had dry lying^ in the 
churchyards, and the spirits that belonged to them have been, as it were, 
but spirits-and-water at best. And, methinks, the Government is this time 
for shutting the door strangely soon after the stealing of the horse. Yet tis 
but a Select Committee ; so that, I doubt not, it will be long enough before 

they come to doing anything. Only if Englishmen were wise, methinks, between the plagues of too much and too little water, which is 
floods and droughts, they would devise means for storage of rains, and so letting either prevent the other. But, strange, how long 
it do take to get things first beaten into your Englishman's head, and thence beaten out again into act. 

In the Commons a great stir as of a good bout of buffets looked for, and I in my place early, and mighty pleased at th 
about the lobbies and in the House. And most Members did put of! their Motions, to make way for MB. I-AWCETT the blind gentle 
man that cannot see things in his way like another, and so will not be turned aside, but standeth the most sturdy to his point 1 ever 
did see. And I like him ; for, indeed, there are few such : and a clear, strong speaker withal, and doth not see when men are weary 
or angry with his speaking ; so hard to stop. . . ,, . ,, 

Only before he come to it was but dull talk of the two Members of Chelsea, for giving more Polling-time from eight in the morning 
to eight of the evening. Against which I can see no reason, nor have heard none ; and methinks, now so many have votes, it is weu 
should have the most convenient time to give them, which is after four of the clock for most workmen. I well content the CHANCELLOR 
OF THE EXCHEQUER should grant a Committee on the matter j only mighty vexed by the delay of the brisker business looked tor tram tins 
FAWCETT, that should raise the Eastern Question again to-night, for the last time of raising before Easter. 

And at last SIR CHARLES DILKE got aside, but not easily, for he is one that loves to be talking ; and no division taken, bet ore * AWCETT 
come to his speech. And it do me good to hear one so downright in these over trimming and timid times. And do call a spade by it 

APRIL 7, 1877.] 







name as plain as ever I hoar ; and did so handle this Eastern trouble 
that he did make it appear England hath played the most poor and 
pitiful part therein that Government ever had, showing how my LORD 
DERBY had passed his word to bring about better handling for the 
Christians under rule of the Turk, and thereunto had used brave, 
big words, only no force at the back of them ; and so all is fallen 
into the hand of the Muscovite, that is for backing a word with a 
blow. And, for my part, for anything I do see or hear, I cannot see 
how the Turk is to be stirred otherwise. And so this brave, blind 
Mtt. FAWCETT did end by moving that Turkish promises of reform be 
useless without guarantees, and that the misrule of the Turk will 
continue till these guarantees be gotten. 

And indeed I do myself well believe it is so : and would have 
voted for FAWCETT, had I been in the House, and would have had 
the House vote with him. Only the Government do carry it with 
a high hand, as having a clear majority of voices, and therein many 
more lovers of the Turk than of the Christians under his rule, and I 
did now see why they had stopped SIR CHARLES DILKE'S mouth with 
a Select Committee, and so put off a division, that they might now 
force FAWCETT to one, as knowing he would be well beaten. Which 
my LORD HAaTiuoioy perceiving, said that he would not vote on 
such a division, though he did subscribe to ME. FAWCETT'S speech 
and motion, only would not have it put now, since it said but 
what the Government stood to, so far as words go, which is, 
indeed, as far as they stand to anything. 

And MR. GLADSTONE did speak mighty well and to the same tune 
as MR. FAWCETT, only sharper and stronger and brisker and fiercer 
all at once, as is his wont : that it did stir me sometimes like the 
sound of a trumpet. And did say .'well that the question he would 
have answered was, how lonff the words of Europe should continue 
mere words? A question which, methinks, all should wish to have 
answered, that see whatsis going on under the Turk. And did 
clearly show how the Turkish Christians do lie under our guard 
since our last war against the Muscovite. 

And, after, one BUTLER JOHNSTONS did speak up for the Turk, so 

stoutly that I wondered. And did prophesy how, perhaps, a few 
years hence, England and Turkey would be the only countries in 
Europe that would have Law and not Force to govern them. Which 
I did admire, for the boldest thing, I think, I did ever hear said by 
a man in his sound mind. 

And after him one RYLANDS, a rough, rasping, northern man, that 
I do not love to hear, spoke his mind of SIR HENRY ELLIOT, and BO 
did draw rebuke from a smooth young spark, one Sra HKNRY WOLFF, 
but one that methinks do look and speak more like a lamb, only very 
hot for the Turk, and against ME. GLADSTONE, as one who hath held 
two minds and two tongues in this Eastern matter. And at last MR. 
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to his legs, and was for driving 
FAWCETT to division, after much and loud crowing over him, and 
those that went with him, that they durst not face an issue in the 
House ; after whom one did move the adjournment of the House, 
and thereon a scuffling fight betwixt those that were for dividing and 
those that were for adjourning, till the House as like the bear garden 
on Bankside as ever I see. I oft-times locked out in the lobby, by 
reason of divisions, and falling asleep there was chid for it by 
one of the constables, and so was fain to creep away with my ears 
hanging at nigh on three in the morning, and the House not up then, 
but still fighting. 

Saturday. Both Houses did sit a while this morning to clear up 
loose ends of business against the Easter holidays. 

Monday. My Lords did pass the Consolidated Bill through its 
various stages, for which piece of work five Lords, methinks, were 

(Common*.) I do see the House is not like the Law, of which it 
is said in the books, " de minimis non curat" For sure the House 
of Commons curat de minimis. Thus to-night was a long and grave 
question of a silly fop of a Clergyman that would have a little girl 
put away from the village school, because she bobbed not her curtsey 
to his wife. Which, though it were a pitiful thing in that foolish par- 
son, yet, methinks, was yet more pitiful in the House to be making 



[APRIL 7, 1877. 

question of. And so said my LOHD SANDON, and would have Mem- 
bers come to the Offices to ask about such small matters ; and so I 
think they were best do. 

MB. FORSTEB did ask a question of the persons it was proposed to 
amnesty for part taken in the Bulgarian business, wherein, after 
much writing of my LOKD DERBY, is, as usual, no satisfaction, only 
no one to be heard of that hath yet been brought to account by the 
Turk, except poor Christian Bulgarians, that do come by cuffs from 
all, but most from the Zaptiehs, as they do call their constables, 
and must see their women beaten and wronged, and cattle taken, 
and houses burnt about their ears, and then pay their taxes twice 
over, and afterwards, if they grumble, be clapped in prison. 

For the which the Turk do talk of giving them an amnesty, which 
do puzzle me. 

Then the House to the Prisons Bill, which was stayed by two pes- 
tilent Irish Members, between whom hard to say if one BIGGAR, or 
one POWELL the more vexatious. 

And at last, at one of the clock, BIGGAB did move to report pro- 
gress, for that many on the Government Bench were asleep, which 
indeed was so, and I marvel not. 

Tuesday. To-night my Lords did break up to their Easter holi- 
days ; and, metbinks, have well earned them, sitting as they will 
do oft-times for half-an-hour at a stretch, and not in a crowded 
house, and among merry company like the Commons, but few of 
them in a great room, and mighty dull, for the most part ; 80 that, 
methinks, I do pity my LORD BEACONSFIELD. 

In the Commons talk of new outrages by the Turk near Adrianople. 
Then a passage between Mu. GLADSTONE and SIB D. WOLFF, 
touching the letter that the one had written the other in a news- 
paper, rebuking him for garbling words of MR. GLADSTONE'S, to make 
it seem he had neld two ways about the Turk and his doings. And 
SIK DRTTMMOND WOLFF do hold it inconvenient that Members should 
be written to by Members, and between such would have only speech 
in the House. 

Long talk thereon, and MR. GLADSTONE did give good reason why, 
to save time of the House, it were well sometimes to write to a 
Member in the newspaper rather than speak to him in the House, 
where is too much speaking already ; and I am of his mind. And 
he did justify what he had written mighty well, and did show that 
he hath not kept two ways ; whereat I am glad, for though he do 
talk and write too much, and on too many matters, I do love to see 
how stout and strong of heart ME. GLADSTONE is, and how ready to 
speak up for all poor and oppressed persons and causes that be held 
down, and most of all by the Turk. 

Then further debate touching SIB HENRY ELLIOT, whom one 
RYLAHDS, that I love not, but herein do see he spoke true enough, 
did charge as a friend of the Turk, and one through whom was 
little hope of any countenance beinjf kept by us against the Turk's 
misdeeds, or of any bold calling of him to answer. And for all that 
ME. BTJEKE and ME. COCHRANE did maintain, I do think it is as 
RYLANDS do say, and that SIB HENBY ELLIOT must needs be more 
like to stroke down the Turk, than to rub him against the hair, 
seeing that has been his way for all the years he has been about the 
Grand Turk's Court. And so said GLADSTONE ; and I see not how it 
can be otherwise. Only none do say other than that SIB HENRY is a 
mighty honest gentleman, and means well. 

But we know the place that well-meaninga do go to the paving 
of, and I do think, Turkey just now is, after that place, the bravest 
in the world for such paving, and SIR HENBY ELLIOT do seem well 
content therewith. But for walking on, I have always heard that 
the paving in Constantinople is the worst that a man need wish. And 
so, methinks, it will be, till some other than the Turk takes it in 
hand. And so the House up for its Easter holiday, with more words 
about the Eastern Question, that hath already had so many. 


A REMARKABLY good thing in Whiskeys is offered by advertise- 
ment to the British Public, including, apparently, by implication the 
Lnited Kingdom Alliance. We are informed that "it is recom- 
mended by the Medical Profession throughout the Kingdom as the 
pure and safe alcoholic stimulant." Also, that it "is thoroughly 
free from fusel oil, and every gallon guaranteed is equally pure. 
(The purchaser, then, had best see that his gallon is guaranteed, 
or that his smaller quantity has been derived from a guaranteed 
gallon.) A medical contemporary pronounces it "wholesome and 
pleasant." A second medical journal describes it as " a safe stimu- 
lant." A third avers that it is "very wholesome," and "maybe 
safely used." A fourth declares it to be " invaluable as an alcoholic 
stimulant." A fifth calls it " the purest of alcoholic stimulants." 
A sixth terms it "an excellent dietetic stimulant." A seventh 
styles it a safe stimulant." An eighth goes so far as to affirm that 

all who value health should use it." By four several physicians 
it is characterised as the "purest whiskey I ever examined," " free 
from all injurious substance," "wholly free from all impurities," 

and " very wholesome and of fine quality." If these encomiums are 
merited, what a very diii'erent spirit the whiskey which has gained 
them must be from every other ! Unless indeed it is really true 
that MYNHEER VAN DUNK was, as is related of him in the Tempe- 
rance Glee, accustomed to preserve uniform sobriety on brandy- 
and-water, in the proportions of "two quarts of the first to a pint 
of the latter daily." In that case there may be imagined some 
comparison between the whiskey recommended by the Faculty as 
above, and VAN DUNK'S brandy. Certainly a spirit so salubrious as 
that whiskey is made out might well challenge the denomination of 
aqua titee, or eau de vie. 

The best of this eximious whiskey is that nobody can ever get 
drunk on it. This is what must commend it to the patronage of all 
the Temperance Societies. No Teetotaller can object to a whiskey 
which, though an alcoholic, is not an intoxicating liquor. 

A whiskey with which you may brew the draught that cheers 
but not inebriates as well as you can with Kaisow or any other 
Chinese grocery, is well and neatly denominated "Encore Whiskey." 
By "encore," of course is meant capable of repetition, the same 
indefinite repetition as gingerbeer, soda-water, lemonade, sherbet, 
or any other beverage obtainable at a Temperance Tavern ; if not 
repetition to the extent of absolutely unlimited goes. Your pitcher, 
or Cruiskeen Lawn, of this lovely spirit, may go ever so often to 
the well of the Encore water of life, not only without being broken 
at last, but without as much as finding its way " down among the 
dead men " under the table ! 


UNCII begs to append 
the list of the tasks he 
has set his young and 
old friends, during 
their Easter Recess. 
FIELD. To write a Novel 
upon the Eastern Question, 
including a Chapter on Life in the Lords, with'the Motto, " Tadia 

ME. GLADSTONE. To furnish Three Volumes of Lay Sermons com- 
posed in the Pew for Delivery in the Pulpit, and a Supplement to 
the Complete Letter- Writer '.in Twelve Packs of Post Cards. 

SIR WILFRID LAWSON. To put new points on all his old jokes for 
use in the next discussion upon the Permissive Bill. 

MR. CHAMBERLAIN. To stay a few days in Gothemberg, and try 
the effect of its Municipal Public hospitalities. 

MR. CHAPLIN. To learn by heart My Duty Towards my Neigh- 
bour." And to write a Theme, on the Passage "To Bear Myself 
Reverently and Lowly Before my Betters." 

MB. WHALLEY. To share the apartment of his Friend, " the 
Unfortunate Nobleman," on Dartmoor, with a view to testing prac- 
tically certain points of Prison Discipline. 

DR. KENEALLY. To seek re-election at' the hands of his Stoker 
and Poker Constituents. 

APRIL 7, 1877.] 



with a view to comparing notes on Bulgarian Atrocities and British 

ME. WARD HUNT. To spend two days on the Dockyard Accounts, 
the same time in a tour of the Dtvottation't Engines, and the rest 
of his holiday in a series of Diving-bell descents to the wreck of the 


MK. GATHORJTE HAKDY. To work a quarter of an hour daily for 
ten days in one of the most crowded ClerkVrooms of the War 

I. <>ui> SALISIIITHY. To square his views on the Eattern Question 

THXEiXl <>< Xunn. To find the man most unlike SIR Hrs- 
ELLIOT, to put in his place at Constantinople. 

A x i) MB. PUNCH (the pleasantest talk of all.) To forget ME. BI<;AK, 
and to have a week's respite from extracting Parliamentary Egeence. 



Such a friend of the Arts and Sciences as yourself will, I 
am sure, l>e pleased to hear how a locomotive driver should proceed 
when he takes his train round a curve. 

speaking of the late accident to the " Flying Scotchman," the 
D*nly Ti'/i'i/raph says : 

" There are two methods of running over a curve. Should the driver de- 
fide to use the first of these, he gete up a good pace and then, the moment the 
curre commences, shuts off his steam, opens his regulator, and to runs round 
tin 1 <1 1 rigorous corner with a long, steady, easily-going stroke. Another 
method is, a the curve approaches to shorten the stroke of the piston, clap 
on full speed, aud pass the turning by trusting more or lew to the category of 

It is somewhat new for a driver to " shut off his steam and open 
his regulator," and so obtain " a long, steady, easily-going stroke " 
iroin his engine ; but "to shorten the stroke of the piston " ! 

Old STKVK.VMJ.V was sorry for the "coo," which might come into 
collision with his locomotive machinery. What would he say about 
the ass who has rim thus dead in its face in the D. T. t 

Should the Daily Telegraph ever publish an article on the collid- 
ing of two trains, I expect we shall be told how the two engines 
reared themselves high on their hind wheels and amidst a Vesuvius 
of steam and red-hot cinders struggled for the "back throw," 
whilst their respective trains awaited motionless the impending 
" telescoping." 

I am, Mr. Punch, yours faithfully, 


(y our Lazy Contributor.) 

I SEND this in too late for this week. Stick it in the next. Lots 
of time. Capital race. Didn't see it. Tell you how. Called of 
course at A.M. Delicious snooze in bed. Mem conteia of duty 
added the sweetness of stolen fruit to my slumbers. 

Called again names this time. LORD TOMMY'S brougham at the 
door. TOMMY accepted my humble breakfast coffee and pipes. 

Off to Putney. Met the crowds coming back. Were told Oxford 
had won. Stopped to telegraph. Five minutes after heard Cam- 
bridge had gained the victory. Stopped again to telegraph. TOMMY 
paid, you know. On arriving at Putney knew for a fact it was a 
dead-heat. Bought the Globe detailing the race. How can these 
fellows get up so early ? I couldn't. Arrived at Mortlake. Break- 
fast over. In time for lunch, though. Capital lunch. Champagne, 
with lots of servants to open it for you. Several pretty girls to do 
the talking. Went after lunch to see the boats. River bare. 
Towing-path absolutely empty. Might have been the day after. 
Flirted in the sun. More champagne. Back to town in TOMMY'S 
brougham. Dined with TOMMY at his Club. More champagne. Hot 
Room. Dead Heat! and Dead Beat!! Couldn't write copy if I 
were paid double for it. Bed at last ! I'll never get up so early 
again. Catch me at it ! 

The Pew and the Pulpit. 

UNDEH this title we have been enlightened at the City Temple by 
the RIGHT HONOURABLE W. E. G.. the Universal Referee, and others, 
as to what the Pulpit demands of the Pew, and the Pew of the Pulpit. 

There does not seem much necessity to explain what the Pulpit 
requires of the Pew, as Pulpit generally has it all its own way, 
without giving Pew a chance of answering. But, perhaps, Pew 
might, if allowed a reply, demand soft cushions, easy backs, well- 
stuffed hassocks, and a fitteen minutes sermon. 


RKSII from the 
public meeting 
held at the Man- 
sinn House, in the 
Egyptian Hall, 
on Monday last 
week, Mr. Punch 
present* his com- 
pliments, together 
with those of the 
;dl citizens ot the 
world in general, 
and those of Lon- 
don in particular, 
and begs to invite 
their presence at 
the CAXTON Cele- 
bration, which 
will be holden in this 
Metropolis next June, to 
commemorate the im- 
portation by that worthy 
into this country, some 
four hundred years ago. 
of the very best and 
Uiggest of German Sausages. 

It would be an insult to explain that 
CAXTON did not keep a ham-and-beef 

shop. The sausage he brought over from Germany was com- 
pounded of other than material force-meat. It comprised in poise 
all manner of food for the mind instruction in every branch of 
Lit' rature. Science, and Art, Religion, Morality, Philosophy, -omtie 
trifn'/e, in fact. CAXTON'S wonderful German Sausage wa the Art of 

Where should we now be but for the Art imported by CAXTON ? 
Where MOSES was when he put the candle out. Where our fore- 
fathers were in the Dark Ages. What should we do without books 
to read ? Read manuscripts, a few of us, here and there, chiefly 
Friars, who could get at them the generality doing as their pro- 
genitors did, and very much as pigs do doing without. 

It is unnecessary for Mr. Punch to point out that CAXTON'S 
posterity are more largely indebted to CAXTON than it is possible to 
compute. We owe him all our Bibles, and Prayer-Books, and 
penny papers and mind, if we had never had our WILLIAM 
CAXTON, we never should have had our WILLIAM SHAXSPBAKE. 
There is a double bill to pay. The payment is to be rendered partly 
in compliment, partly in kind. The CAXTON Celebration win take 
the form of a public loan collection of his works, and of British and 
foreign antiquities and appliances connected with his art. The money, 
expected to accrue from this cosmopolitan exhibition, is to be invested 
for the benefit of certain of CAXTON'S most worthy representatives 
that is to say, decayed and aged Printers and Widows in connection 
with the Printers' Pension, Almshouses, and Orphan Corporation 
Asylum. " To secure an attendance commensurate with the national 
importance of the occasion," for thus in some part discharging ob- 
ligations to CAXTON, Mr. Punch has the pleasure of inviting every- 
body who has anything worth being contributed to the Show, to send 
it, and especially of asking his fellow-citizens to subscribe their 
money and give their attendance at the exhibition, in the name of 
tiis and their common Ruler, th Great Lord Mayor of London and 
"lity King. 

All the Same Thing. 

THE Globe, on the day of the Boat-Raoe, hi Ha first edition, 

Oxford, 1 ; Cambridge, 2. 

In its third. " Dead-heat." But these are only different ways of 
expressing the same thing. No doubt the first announcement should 
lave been read, 

Oxford won ; Cambridge too. 

We gladly acknowledge the Globe's ingenuity in combining ap- 
parent variety with its essential characteristic of being "all round 

In for a Dig. 

THE Great Chancellor has given his enemies a handle whereby to 

''eave a arf brick" at him. PRINCE BISMAECK proclaims himself 

strongly opposed to " Particularism." Thereupon hostile Jesuits 

and Ultramontanes can remark " We knew BISMAECK was any- 

Wng but particular." 



[APRIL- 7, 1877. 


Dreadful Old Man (who only believes in Professional Music). "I HOPE YOU AMATEUR GENTLEMEN TAKE A HEAL PLEASURE IN 



(Contributed by Mr. Punch's Own Victor.) 

LONDON is the Lady of Creation. There are many men and women. 
There is only one Lady. London is also Light, and Wisdom, and 
Courage. The translation of London is " civilisation," also " truth," 
also " honour." Without London the world could not exist. Thus 
the world exists for London. Margate may he the Arm of the 
human race. Broadstairs may he a Foot. Manchester may he the 
Brain. But London is the Heart. Without a heart a man is a brute 
heast. Without London England would he nought. With London 
England is the whole universe.! It is a great thought, but not too 
great for a Londoner. 

On Good Friday the whole world eats hot-cross huns. A startling 
thought this, and yet true. Why does the whole world eat them r 
Because London does. London is the whole world. London is a 
living Temple of Fame, a breathing Jupiter, a real Hercules. In 
London the Unknown meets and conquers the Known, the Unseen 
scorns and subdues the Visible. Is this possible '( Everything is 
possible to London not only possible, but probable- - . 

There are many coloured vehicles in London, called Omnibuses. 
These vehicles are crowded inside and out with great Thinkers. 
They move slowly, and sometimes the springs are not as supple as 
they might be. And yet these omnibuses are the finest carriages in 
the whole world. Scared sceptics ask "Why?" Because omni- 
buses are found in London ! 

A Crossing-sweeper is greater than the proudest King." The 
crowned despot loves war. The Crossing-sweeper asks only peace 
and coppers. One shuns the light of day. The other carries for 
weapons a broom and an armed conscience. Dirt is purer than 
dignity. The streets of London require sweeping. The Crossing- 
sweepers perform this honourable toil. When it is a fine day, they 
electrify the whole world by doing nothing ! Nothing is the labour 
of Sages. Nothing is greater than London, and yet London is 
greater than everything ! Who can understand this ? Not a King 

not a knife-wearing Soldier only a' Londoner can understand 

Last week the House of Commons adjourned for the Easter Recess. 
Unity is force, and yet division is strength. The Council of the 
Nation dissolves, and is as weak as a puny child. Why ? Because 
the Council of the Nation is only strong in London. London is 
strength and iron and proved steel. 

There are cabs in London. What a grand thought ! London has 

cabs ! 


[At. this point Mr. Punch, seeing no probable end of Victorious 
eloquence, [despatched his Correspondent to Paris, where 
his efforts are likely to be better appreciated. 

Cock-a-doodle-do ! 

" Yesterday the last turnpike trust existing between London and Brighton, 
a trust which includes the celebrated gate between London and Epsom called 
the ' Cock Gate ,' at Button, received notice from the House of Commons 
that its existence is to end at a given date." Daily News, Wednesday, 
March 28. 

MOURN, misanthropes, who hid in pikes 'your head. 

A last toll sounds your knell. Away you go ! 
The game-bird that faced Derby crowds is dead, 

And o'er the Cock, that crowed o'er us, we crow ! 

Roasted Alive Oh! 

IN the advertisement for the letting of the Royal Holborn Amphi- 
theatre we read that 

" Audiences of two and three thousand persons can be cleared in aa many 

that is, in two and three thousand minutes. "What would happen 
in case of a fire ! 

s ! 

> / 


















APRIL 7, 1877.] 




(A rtal J'ai'cefrom the Engine-room.) 

BILL BTOKIT was a stoker, in a British man-o'-war ; 

He could "slice up"' with a poker, or shift a down-dropt b&r;' 

He was like a salamander, when before a Are he stood, 

And no tougher British bull-dog e'er breathed battlt; in his blood. 

He could make a piece of gasket,' he could knot, plait, splice, and 

point ; 

He could clean a fire, or feed one, or make or break a joint ; 
He was light and merry-hearted, and obedient to command ; 
Knew everything an A.B. should to reef, and steer, and hand. 

On deck he was no dutfer, for the downhaul d he did tend ; 
He was best oar in the cutter ; good at bowline or at bend ; 
A Turk'a-head or a Tom-Fool's knot, to him was simply fun ; 
The yard-arm was his station aloft ; on deck, bow-gun.' 

But, as nothing lasts beneath the sun, at length there came a change, 
And BILL lira KIT he began to growl at all within his range ; 
After fifteen years of service, his patience it gave way, 
And he swore ho 'd no more shift his rig' a dozen times a day. 

" Now look 'ee here, our side," ho said, as once off deck he came, 
Perspiring through his jumper, 8 and his forehead in a ilame ; 
" If this sail-drill rot was any use, I wouldn't care a cuss ; 
But we know as it ain't, and so do they, to make things wusi. 

" Nine times to-day we 've left our work, and had to shift out rig 
The first to cross to' gallant yards, the next to hoist the gig ; 
And now that the darned scurry they call ' smartness,' may amuse, 
We 're run to death, to drill at sails as the ship *11 never use. 

" For fifteen year I 've weathered 11 the defaulters' book and list, 1 
But I don't no longer care a d " (here he came down with his 


" They "11 neither let us stay on deck, nor let us stay below, 
And while the ship's work's all adrift, we 're bound to help the 


" I only hope JOHN BULL may not be sold another ' pup,' 
By being gammoned over, and his eyes with sails bunged up ; 
To find at last, and to his cost, things mayn't be what they seem 
For though our sails may show sky-high, our sailing's dome by 

" We know the ship can't budge an inch with Engineers that 's slack ; 
And some folks would be delighted to catch us ' flat aback,' 
Which there 's not a doubt within my mind they very quickly may, 
When the British Fleet depends upon ao better men than they." 

Then up came JonDi k , and he sea, " Did you mean that?" "I 


Sez BILL. Quoth JOHNDY, " Recollect, I 'ye heard yon term a 'kid' 
Your former second in command. Pray, Sir, how dre you laugh ? ' 
' ' Excuse me, Sir,' ' said BILL, ' ' the word warn't kid but sucking calf." 

" Explain yourself," he growled, " or. as you know I am a nipper, 
I '11 plank' you straight at seven bells, and bouse" 1 you 'fore the 

"Well, Sir," said BILL, "from tint one fact the state of things 

you '11 gather 
The Junior Engineer, tohy he miijht 'a been his father."" 

Then Master-at-Arms he lays his hand on BILL, and sez, sez he, 
" The more that 's true, the less it ought to pass 'twixt you and me. 
But blest if what you says is news. There 's them as ships commands 
As knows no more of engines than waisters or green-hands. 

" We trust to steam till anchor 's dropped, from the time as anchor 's 

weighed : 

And the less the sails is looked to, the more fuss aboiit "em 's made. 
Blest if I see how skippers, now-a-days, their work 's to do, 
Unless, besides their seamanship, they studies stokin' too ! 

"There was a time, as I 've heard tell, when Navy Captains bold 
Warn't no- ways swells like them as now sports Navy blue and gold. 

Stir up the fires with the lice or poker. 
b I.e. when the bar drops into the ash-pit. 

c Plait gasket for packing. d Jib downhaul. 

Stokers are forey&rd men, and when gunnery la requisite, are stationed 
at the bow, and m small craft, at the pivot-gun. 

' " Rig " is a term for dress, and a man going on deck must be in the rig of 
the day. 

Jumper, the blue or whits frock. ' Kept clear of. ' Black last. 
k The Master-at-Arms, the chief of the ship's police. 
1 " Planking " is bringing on the quarter-deck. 
" Bouse," haul up. Truthis stranger than fie tion . 

Sea-bears and sea-dogs they was called ; chewed their quids and 

drunk their tlip, 
And, in language, wasn't over nice ashore or 'board o' ship. 

" And if Engineers is roughish, and Stokers blackish show, 
With polishin', I dare fay, as their engines bright they 'd grow : 
Till with gun and ward-room officers their place they 'd take and 

Nor, 'acos they 're from the fire-hole, be kept out in the cold." 


Being an Efittelary to the Revival '* these Pages of an Almott 


SIR, I have long been under the impression that I was born to 
supply a want. True, that having been born, I do supply a great 
many wants chiefly my own. But that is not what I was poingto say 
this is, and here follows my meaning. Sir, the fire of National Poetry 
is defunct apparently, at least, it is out. Not to. It sleep* within 
this breast. -The coal is still warm ; let me but apply the bellows of 
the Divine ajflatiis, and onoe more the flame will blaze forth, and the 
sacred altars will be all aglow with the brightness of the True 
British Ballad. 

Whence came this afflatus I " If yon ask me, I will tell you." I 
dipp'd into DIBDIK, but 'twas not there ; and, indeed, since the 
days, the glorious days, when the Sallads of the Baltic appeared 
in your pages. Sir, the harp that onee delighted the caboose and 
cheered the Hearts-of-Oak on a Saturday night at sea, has been 
unstrung, has been down a peg or two, and then up a peg or two, 

on the wall of my 

by the sea. Well, your honour, I was 

roaming in maiden meditation, fancy free, down a street not a 
hundred miles from the Strand, when I saw a shop-window full of 
the good old Catnach Ballads! Four thousand of all sorts, shapes 
and sizes, with such illustrations! Sir, the price of these art- 
treasures was, need I say it, untold gold. To turn to my dear 
friend (who shall be nameless, or else he'd be bored to death with 
applications from Well, no matter from whom ; but I don't pro- 
pose to kill the prolific $oose until it 's all ora with him), I say, 
Sir, to turn to my dear friend, and to borrow the sum requisite for 
the purchase of these Ballads, was but the work of a moment ; in 
another, I was in the shop, addressing my purveyor of poems, and 
buying them by the metre I mean, Sir, literally, by the yard. 

Sir. I am going to favour the company with a few songs on this 
model. But I must first offer you a sample of the original, in order 
that the public, which has long been a stranger to true poetry, may 

see that the quality of poetry is not strained through cullenders", 
that it is not bound by any rules of rhyme, reason, or metre, but 
that, like Genius, it is unfettered, and, like Pegasus, It makes 

Liiai>, iijvc vjciiius, it la Uliictlcicu. aiiu, 1I&.C 4 tr^asus, ii> maivcs 

small account of its feet, seeing that it possesses wings, for flights of 
fancy. The specimen I will give yon is from a soul-stirring ballad, 
entitled The Gallant Poacher, which commences with an invita- 
tion to 

" All you lads of high renown, 

That .ove to drink cood ale that 's brown, 

That pull the lofty 1'beanant down 

With powder, shot, MM! gun," 



[APRIL 7, 1877. 


SCKNE Irish Steeplechase Course. Just Before the Race. 
Veteran Sportsman (to Country Cousin). " BEGORRA, JACK, THIS 'UD BE OUR SPOT ; WE'D BE APT TO SEE A CORPSE HERE ] " 

I go on, and I read on through the entire poem ; but the inspired 
Bard such is the evanescent character of true inspiration, here one 
second, and gone the next never states for what purpose he invites 
the lads of high renown to come to him, though I gather from the 
song that it is in order to relate to them, for the benefit of the 
Poaching public, the life and death of his gallant hero. 

There are sir verses. I give you the last, as being my model in 
future, and as being a specimen of real unfettered genius in the 
plenitude of its magnificent liberty : 

" The murderous hand that did him kill, 
And on the ground his blood did spill, 
Must wander sore against his will, 
And find no resting place ; 
Destructive things, 
His conscience stings, 
He must wander thro' the world, 
And ever feel the smarting thorn, 
But pointed at with finger of scorn, 
Condemned for to die." 

There, Sir ! Aren't you overwhelmed by its grand intense sim- 
plicity? TENNYSON! bah! BROWNING! pooh! Pigmies! SOPHOCLES, 
EUBTPIBES, not to be mentioned in the same breath with the 
glorious Bard, who, with one dash of the hand could sum up the 
tortures of the Inferno in these two brief lines 

" Destructive things 
His conscience stings." 

The use of the singular verb after the plural nominative is as 
forcible as it is remarkable. Again, is not 

" Smarring thorn" 

more than Shakspearian ? To my great Tmind, which is gradually 
under this tutorship emancipating itself from the trammels of 
grammar a difficult'phrase to pronounce often, without calling it 
the " grammels of trammar," I say to my great mind (I am having 
my waistcoats considerably increased to hold it), this ballad is the 
work of a Master Hand, guided by a Master Mind. Show me with 

what termination, in this Triumph of the Unshackled, do the words, 
" world," " place," and " die " rhyme ? 

But to my task. Expect to hear from me again, and speedily, for 
I intend to tap the cask of inspiration, and present you with some of 
the real unadulterated stuff, and none is genuine unless signed thus, 
" B.B.B.B.," which means, Yours gloriously, 



MR. FRANK BTJCKLAND has prophesied the appearance of " A Bore 
on the Severn," in time for every one to get out of his way. This is 
really kind. If only other people who know all about the move- 
ments of " Bores " would do as much ! 

We give particulars of several Bores that were to be seen in 
London on that day, and of which timely warning might have been 

Preachers who improved the occasion by an hour's oration. 

Leader-writers, who did ditto, to the extent of two columns and 
a half. 

The CHASUBLES, who invited us to dine, and gave us salt fish and 
egg-sauce, with parsnips. 

People who expected us to eat a horrible mass of warm dough 
and currants, called Hot Cross Buns. 

MR. FITZWALTEH RALEIGH, who seized the opportunity of an "off " 
day to read us his new Tragedy. 

And, finally, the great herd of Bores, who met in Hyde Park to 
spout on some question they didn't understand, and prevented 
quiet folk from enjoying the Park. 


OH. the Roast Beef of New England ! 
And oh, the New English Roast Beef I 


APRIL 7, 1877.] 




By an Enthwi"sti- !> tni-Teinte. 

WIZEN other scarfs on other necks, 
Their tale of tints shall tell, 

In harmonies whose nuance decks 
Blonde and brunette so well : 

As riant- teinte, whose blue should rank 

Twixt Indigo and Sky, 
This dead-heat I, at least, may thank, 

For Dark and Light-Blue Tie. 

Each darling Cox, each glorious Eight 
Their heads, their backs, their arms 1 

How to decide by strength or weight, 
When both show winning charms ? 

As'fairly matched all beauties in 

As beauties of your Blues ; 
Thus only Cambridge ought to win, 

Thus only Oxford lose 1 


THE Musical World informs us that The ABBATE FRAHZ LISZT 
has been invited to Loo by the Krao OF Tint NETHERLANDS. How- 

,.<-,. it !L rmlvr + V\/\ nnwn/wnT\V\ cfa + AO " til (Vni Anil f\( t Vl WW/\TiTl " 

A Disagreeable Alternative. 

MR. HENRT IRVING contributes an interesting Shakspcarian note 
to the second number of the Nineteenth Century, on the Third 
Murderer in Macbeth. | eTe r, it is only, the paragraph states, " to the end of the month. 

He says, truly, that there has been a great difficulty in accounting So the Loo isn't unlimited, 
for this Third Murderer, and that some commentators have main- ! 

tained he must have been Macbeth himself ; and some (he might have < TUB EDUCATION " LEAGUE." From making your own pinafore to 
added), more recently, the Actor who plays Macbeth. the Sixth Standard. 



[APRIL 7, 1877. 




HUBT ! " 



(A Prophecy which Mr. Punch most earnestly trusts will not be verified.) 

IT was the day of the Boat-Race. A bright, clear morning, with a glorious 
sun, reflected a thousand times in the smiling water ! Great was the contrast 
between the weather and the crowd. The first was suggestive of everything 
that was fresh and innocent ; the last recalled visions of Homburg, Baden- 
Baden and Spa in the bad old days of the cards, and spinning balls, and green- 
baized tables. 1 Unhappily, all the rascality of the stable had found its way to 
the banks of the river. The public were raving with excitement. Men, women, 
and children no longer cared for the pleasures of lunch, the charms of conversa- 
tion, the amusement of the race itself. All hearts beat but to learn the answer 
to one absorbing question, had their bets been won or lost ? 

Yes, it had come to this ! The grand old University Boat-Race had been 
degraded by the love of play to the level of the lowest of sporting events. In 
1877 (many years before) great complaints had been made about the matter. It 
had been said, then, that unless the conditions of the contest were altered, 
things would change from'worse to worse ; and that, corrupted by the pollution 
of London sporting roughs, sporting publics, and sporting papers, the pleasanter 
features of the festival would give place to more and more hateful ones. It had 
been then suggested that the Race should be rowed at Henley or Bedford, or 
even distant 'Exeter. Nothing, however, had been done ; and here more than 
ten years later, was the Boat-Race still on Thames waters, fouling and befouled. 
And had the prophets of ill-omen been borne out ? Alas I a glance at the faces 
and forms around was enough ,to answer the question. When men forget to 
smoke, or eat, or flirt ; when women care not whether or no they look their 
best, then indeed must both be lost to everything save the passion of play. 
And now the men were silent, cigarless, and distrait ; the women were reckless 
in wearing the most unbecoming colours, the most ill-fitting gloves, the dullest 
and dowdiest toilettes. 

It was but a few minutes before the start, when a shambling creature, 
who looked like something between a stable-help and a decayed churchwarden, 
made his way through the shouting throng to the part of the .Grand Stand 
reserved for the University Officers, Heads of Colleges, and other Dons of the 

most dignified orders. For many minutes he vainly 
attempted to attract the attention of a venerable Dean, 
who, betting-book in hand, was loudly offering the odds 
to two white-chokered Heads, a Proctor, and a Pokr ; 
for, sad to say, the betting fever had spread from Under- 
graduates' wine-parties to Fellows' Common Rooms. 
The shambling creature at last succeeded in attracting 
the attention of the venerable Dean, who hobbled towards 
him as rapidly as his advanced years would permit. 

" What do you want ?" he asked, breathlessly. " Un- 
less it is something very important, I must not be 
disturbed. I have not nearly done all my hedging." 

"You were very good to me once, Sir," replied the 
Tout, " when you got me leave to stay up, after the 
Master had ordered me down. You would scarcely 
believe, looking at my present degraded position, that 
I was once a Member of the dear old College." 

"Indeed! indeed!" cried the Dean, impatiently. "I 
do not doubt your word for a moment. And if I was 
kind to you in the past, pray think no more about it. 
But I really must return, or I shall have no time to get 
my money well on. My book is a very heavy one ;" 
and he sighed involuntarily. 

" I have come to show my gratitude," continued the 
Tout, detaining the Dean by the button-hole. Then he 
whispered, " Take my tip, and put the pot heavily on 

The Dean started, as in an undertone he replied, " But 
all the Sporting Papers declare that Oxbridge must win ; 
and certainly I can personally testify to the superiority in 
strength, and excellence of style in their trials." 

" Put the pot on the other side of the fire for all that," 
hissed the Tout. " They 've been made safe, I tell you." 

" But each man has had two doctors and a policeman 
in close attendance upon him ever since he came to 
Putney, and the boat has been kept under lock and key 
in Scotland Yard." 

The Tout closed his left eye. " Bobbies and boys 
have been hocussed, horses and boats have been got at, 
before now. Put the pot heavily on Camt'ord, I say 
again! " 

" I will ! " mentally ejaculated the Dean, as he rushed 
back as quickly as his great age would permit to the 
box on the Grand Stand reserved for the Heads of 
Colleges. He had scarcely been in his place ten minutes 
when the flashing pars of the two boats were seen coming 
round the bend into the last reach, amid a murmur 
that, as they approached, rose into a roar. 

Oxbridge had been leading from the first. At Ham- 
mersmith she had two clear lengths in hand, and these 
two lengths had been increased by Mortlake to six. It 
was a dead certainty : the Dean, beside himself with 
excitement, in broken ejaculations from the Commination 
service, cursed the Tout who had put him in the hole. 

Suddenly there was a mighty shout the Oxbridge 
stroke let go his oar, threw up his arms, and fainted. 
There was another shout, and another and yet another, 
as Numbers Seven, Six, and Five followed their leader. 
At length the crew without exception lay doubled over 
their thwarts. Taking advantage of this strange con- 
tretemps the rival boat shot ahead, and passed the post 
an easy winner. 

Again a mighty shout, which seemed to shake Mortlake, 
Putney, and the neighbourhood to their very foundations, 
told an.expectant world that Oxbridge had been hocussed 
for the third time, and that Camford had scored one more 

And, as that shout arose, the venerable Dean might 
have been seen dancing all over the stand, as well as 
his age and some remains of a sense of his clerical 
character would permit ; for he had followed the grateful 
Tout's advice, and had put the pot heavily on the 

As for the cleaned-out Heads, Proctors, and Pokers, 
they were cursing also under the thin professional 
shelter of the Commination service, and telegraphing to 
their various Bankers. 

On them, and still more on the young men and women 
of the 'hideous scene, let us draw the curtain. 


A FIRM of mechanicians advertise " Lifts for Hotels." 
Who will invent lifts for public-houses, too many of which 
require elevation to the level of respectability. 

U, 1877.] 







PRINCE VON BISMARCK having: set the fashion of re- 
signing on the First of April, the following resignations of 
the same date have been announced : 

MR. GLADSTONE. Resignation of his pen, and repudia- 
tion of Post-cards. 

LORD BEACONSFIELD. Resignation of his Coronet, and 
retirement from the Leadership of the Conservative 

SIR WILFRID LAWSON. Resignation of the Permissive 
Bill, and withdrawal from comic oratory. 

MR. WHALLKT. Resignation of the friendship of " the 
unfortunate nobleman, and the post of Inquisitor- 
General i into the criminal acts and intentions of the 
Society of Jesuits. 

PROFESSOR FAWCETT. Resignation of the supervision 
ot'.lndian Finance, and retirement from the discussion of 
the Eastern Question. 

LORD HAKTINGTON. Resignation of the Leadership of 
the Opposition, in favour of MR. FORSTEH. 

MR. VOHSTKK. Resignation of all claims to the Leader- 
ship of the Opposition, in favour of MR. LOWE. 

MR. LOWE. Resignation of all claims to the Leader- 
ship of the Opposition, in favour of MR. FOHSTER. 

Ma. HOLMS. Resignation of the post of chief critic 
of Military Measures, for a Sub-Lieutenancy (on proba- 
tion) in the King's Own Royal Tower Hamlets Light 
Infantry Militia. 

MB. PLIMSOLL. Resignation of his seat for Derby, with 
a view to accept a Partnership in an " Unlucky firm 
of Ship-owners. 

Mk. liiriGAR 

But here Mr. Punch draws the line some subjects are 
beyond ajoke. MR. BiooiB, like potatoes, is one of them. 

Church over State. 

To judge by the cool Address just submitted to the 
Archbishops and Bishops by a body of Clergy of the 
Established Church, headed by the Dean of St. Paul's, 
and including three other Deans, eight Archdeacons, and 
i. Regius Professor of Theology, which demands for 
Convocation [the right to make laws for the Church, 
ilong with, but naturally, of course, over the head of, 
Parliament (the spiritual clearly ranking above the 
secular), the Church of England needs ridding not of 
one Tooth only, but a whole set. 



V He informs the Editor of his preparations. The Editor begs to 
inform the Public that he (the Ed.) is not responsible for the 
scheme, and withholds his assent for the present. 

SIR, In a brief letter, two weeks since, I announced to you my 
intention of riding to Khiva. I knew that there was a large body 
among the public that would willingly pay my expenses by subscrip- 
tion to go away anywhere, and so why not to Khiva ? 

Now. Sir, I am perfectly aware, that CAPTAIN FRED BURNABY has 
made this ground, as it were, his own. And how P Because, for- 
sooth, having ridden to Khiva, he made such a confounded fuss 
about it. A gallant exploit it was I admit, though I should be diffi- 
dent in making the admission (however admission is free in this 
instance), / myself rode to Khiva years ago : thought nothing of it, 
nii'l said nothing about it. I took it in the day's work, and there an 

But now; the case is different. I must out-BuBNABY BUBNABY. 
He only rode to Khiva. I shall ride there and back. I shall keep you 
informed of my progress from time to time, either by special messenger 
or by private wire, which, with my own patented apparatus, I 
shall take with me in my side pocket. It occupies no space to speak 
of, and is paid-put like the Atlantic Cable. I am getting up a Com- 
pan j 3*J* f J!? d all shareholders, among whom I hope to number 
moat ot the Crowned Heads of Europe, will be presented with a beau- 
tiful engraved portrait of myself as the Russian Courier, dressed 
m kremlm (a peculiar sort of warm waterproof coat) and lumeck (a 
headdress worn at night when travelling through the show, and tied 
under the chin with a small mifouktt. kind of leather thong with a 
silver clasp). Before starting for a ride to anywhere, whether Khiva 
* Aidderminjrter, one thing is absolutely necessary, i.e., something 

Economy being the better part of valour, I have determined in 

view of the subscription list not being quite so full as I might natu- 
rally expect (it is not yet completed and you haven't, I regret to 
see, exhibited it in your window in Fleet Street why this delay h), 
not to purchase, but to hire. I forget the exact distance from here 
to Khiva. But one can't hurt much at eighteenpence an hour (half- 
a-crown for the first and eighteenpence for all the others of course 
I take all the others and let some one else have the first), and a 
reduction will be made on taking a quantity. 

I am off now to see about the norse. After that I must call in at 
MAT'S, the costumier's, about my dresses. The Courier of St. 
Petersburg used to have at least six, one after the other, appearing 
in the third as Mr. Pickwick (spelt Kjqkkjp in Russian, which is 
spoken, as read, backwards, and takes some time to master), and 
finally as Apollo, but this is for a different climate. 

I have got my saddlebags containing provisions, warming-pan (an 
article absolutely indispensable in the cold climate to which I am 
going), matches, saucepans, patent smokeless stoves, coals, and (by 
the kind permission of MR. CHATTEBTON), the red-hot poker out of 
the last Cnristmas Pantomime. 

A semi-grand piano, fitted up inside as a comfortable bed-room, 
all complete, a store of American beef, a cellaret of beer, cham- 
pagne (Pommery and Oreno tres sec, because it keeps dry in all 
climates), and a few other articles, the list of which would make 
this article unnecessarily lengthy, complete my Christopher I mean 
mv kit. 

Directly the last subscription is paid in to my account, or a 
sufficiently good promise to that effect, be deposited with my banker 
in writing, but not till then, I am off, till which happy moment, 
believe me to remain here pluokily and dashingly as ever, 


P.S. I re-open this to say that I think I.'ve just met with the 
animal to suit me. A quiet, steady, handsome cob, fourteen-and- 
a-half by ten, warranted sound, at one-and-sixpence an hour, or 
to be sold, by the pound, or square inch. I 'm to try him in Rotten 
Row to-morrow. Look out ! 




[APRIL 14, 1877. 


BLEST, but too brief, eight days' repose ! 
From Eastern Question Easter rest 

From BIGGAR'S snarl, and PARNELL'S prose- 
Obtrusive bore, obstructive pest ! 

And if M.P.'s throw down their hands, 

And Ministers require relief, 
What must Punch do, who meets demands 

For weekly Liebig, oft sans beef? 

Punch, who, besides the alchemic art, 

Wit from the witless to distil, 
Mustplay, perforce, the Showman's part, 

And use the puppet-mender's skill. 

And after sifting from his lead 
Tons' -weight the grains of silver rare, 

Must deal with many a wooden head, 
Now grievously the worse for wear. 

Touch up the puppets high and low, 
Give point to patter, chant and chaff; 

And so turn out the puppet-show, 
That it may draw at least a laugh. 

Wherefore, for the eight clays' rest Easter has given, him, Punch is 
truly thankful ; and now returns to his weekly grind, like a giant 

Happier than their Essence-Extractor, Members were not bound 
to be back punctually by the day why is there no Parliamentary 
devil to dog the heels of lazy M.P.'s ? so not more than'a hundred 
had turned up when business begun at half -past four on Thursday, 
April 5. 

SIR STAFFORD NOETHCOTE promised MB.;FOESTEB a speedy sight of 
the Protocol. We have all enj oyed that treat by this time, and found, as 
we might have expected, that it binds Russia to nothing, rather, in- 
deed, may be said to bind the Powers in Russia, inasmuch as it com- 
mits those who have signed it to a joint profession of concern in 
the better government of the Christians under Turkish rule. The 
simultaneous declaration of COUNT SCHOTTVALOFF happy name ! 
promises a movement of demobilisation on the part of Russia, 
only in the event of certain very improbable " ifs " on the part 
of Turkey. And a declaration on the part of LOBD DEBBY declares 
that England is not to be bound by the Protocol, in the only event 
which can render action under it necessary, i.e., if Turkey does not 

APRIL U, 1877.] 





BBDAD ! " (struck with a bright idea)" 1 'LL TAKK A 

cany out the reforms she has promised which she is not the least 
likely to do. A complete diplomatic reductio ad absurdum it 
would have been difficult for Punch to have hit upon in his most 
felicitous fit of parodying diplomacy. 

South-Sea savages, when they are anxious to strike up an eternal 
friendship, change names. Let my LORD DERBY, in memory of this 
last happy-family alliance with Russia, take the name of " SHOVEL- 
OFP." For truly he has shovelled off the Eastern difficulty for the 
day at all events ; and sufficient for the day, he no doubt considers, 
is the Eastern difficulty and the shovelling-off. thereof . The Protocol, 
Punch notes with regret, was signed on Saturday, March 31, not on 
Sunday, the first of April. April-fools would have been the very 
people to have marched in procession over the Pons Asinorum. 

The House then went into the Prisons Bill, and ME. CROSS had a 
tussle with MR. PARNELI,, who, more Hibernico, moved a clause, 
classing treason-felons with first-class misdemeanants, who are 
not felons at all. MR. CROSS finally agreed to the clause, with the 
Bull out, providing that persons convicted of sedition and seditious 
libel should be treated as misdemeanants of the first-class, which 
they certainly are, being, as a rule, of the class that ought to know 

The moral of JEsqp's well-known fable is that the trumpeters 
deserve heavier punishment than the rank and file. They will, 
under this clause, get better treatment. It is quite right for those 
w_ho look on sedition and seditious libel as venial, if not laudable, 
diversions, to make provision for the comfort of those who may 
indulge in these amusements. 

MR. E. W. SHTTH made a clear, business-like, and well-digested 
speech in introducing the Civil Service Estimates to a thin House 
of a score in all. Does the House want such an explanation, 
or does it not? After asking for it, Honourable Members might 
surely pay MB. SMITH the compliment of coming to hear it. The 
Honourable Member for the Book-stalls showed that, excluding the 
cost of Army and Navy, Collecting the Revenue, Education, and 
Contributions to Local Taxation rather important exclusions, it is 
true the cost of governing the country is less by 400,000 than it 
was in 1857. This reminds Punch of an embarrassed but easy- 

going friend of his, who was always proving that if you excluded 
the cost of his wine-cellar and table, cigars, stables, gardens, tailors' 
and milliners' bills, children's schooling, travelling, and amuse- 
ments, he was really spending, at least, twenty pounds a year less 
than he did ten years before, yet found himself every year getting 
deeper and deeper into difficulties. 

The House then went into Supply, in which SIB CHARLSS I )i i, K K 
distinguished himself by moving to omit the cost of feeding the 
Deer in Richmond Park ; MR. PARNELL, by opposing the Motion to 
Report Progress at half-past twelve, in the teeth of MR. BUTT, 
because an Irish Bill was coming which he wanted more time for ob- 
structing ; MR. M'CABTHY DOWNING, by pitching into MR. PABNELL, 
and MR. BIOGAR. by pitching into MR. M'CABTHY DOWNING ; and 
lastly CAPTAIN NOLAN, by taking objection to MB. BENITET-STAM'- 
FORD'S coughing at him. Altogether the Home-Rulers are showing 
their Kilkenny cats' claws too soon and in the wrong place. They 
should keep them for the Home-Rule Irish Parliament on Palace 

(Friday.) A night's talk. 

1. The House talked about Gas Bills and Water-works. May 
Punch, some day, have to record that it. has done something to give 
us better light and purer water, and more of both. 

2. The House talked about Public Executioners, and Public Offices. 
What Punch objects to is, that the one should be turned into the 
other, as is done when clerks' rooms are allowed to become typhus- 

3. The House talked about the Commercial Department of the 
Foreign Office. Most people will be glad to know that there it a 
Commercial Department at the Foreign Office. We had thought 
that the Foreign Office left such low matters as commerce to the 
lower departments, such as the Board of Trade, and the East End 

Lastly came the halfpenny-worth of doing to the intolerable 
quantity of talking, when MR. CROSS brought in a Bill to boil down 
sixteen Factories and Workshops Acts into a hundred clauses. 
Could not the Bill be entitled Liebig's Extract of Factory Acts '( 



[APRIL 14, 1877. 


IVWAMI WILSON, in a paper read 
some months ago at a meeting 
Of the Itoyal Colonial Institute, 
treats acclimatisation, in its 
more general aspect. MR. 
WILSON views the problem 
somewhat enthusiastically, and 
considers that the command 
given to NOAH, ' Be fruitful 
and multiply, and replenish 
the earth, and subdue it ; and 
have dominion over the fish of 
the sea, and over the fowl of 
the air, and over every living 
thing that moveth upon the 
earth,' conveys by implication 
a direct order to take the work 
of acclimatisation in hand. . . . 
But it might, perhaps, be possi- 
ble to acclimatise in England 
the beautiful little green and 
yello* Australian: parroquet 
which has of late years been 
such a favourite in English 
homes. . . . ^hat prevents an 
effort to add to our domestic 
poultry the savoury and easily- 
bred curussow and guan ; why 
should the quail and the prairie- 
hen be unknown on our downs; 
what forbids the rearing of flocks of llamas and vicunas?" Daily Telegraph. 


I 'D been reading my Telegraph. Excellent paper, np doubt, 
Only rayther too nuts on big words, which do put a plain body about. 
Ana 1 nodded and mapped o'er a leader on something as ended in 

" ation." 
Let 'a see 'twas a double " c " Sk, I 've got it, a-c-e-1-i-ffi-a-t-i- 

s-a-t-i-o-n ! 

It seems there ' tarty; named WILSON, a lively Colonial oEap, 
"Whose notions had got in my noddle before I indulged in that nap. 
He holds that "Be fruitful and multiply" means that'our duty is 

To bring in beasts and birds from abroad, a transition which strikes 

me as queer. 

Well, I dropped off to sleep, as I say ; and, good gracious, the 

wisions I had ! 
Which I don't think I 've been to the Zoo since I fed the brown 

bears as a lad. 
But the Regency Park broken loose, Sir, with Jamrach's all out on 

the spree, 
Plus NOAH'S Ark emptied, warn't nothing to what in my wisions I 


MR. WILSON lets monkeys run loose in his garden I 'd shoot 'em 
or trap 'em 

But Gorillas was lambs to the creatures as larked in my garden, at 

Young crockydiles sploshed in my pond, Sir, and gobbled my gold- 
fish like fun ; 

While a Grizzly had climbed up my flag-staff, and wouldn't be 
bribed with a bun ! 

If I have an aversion, it 's Snakes (though they say they 're like 

chicking when cooked) : 
And a thing, like six yards of green spangles, his tail up my poplar 

had hooked, 
While he dangled below like a S, in a way as seemed playful and 

But which scared the NUBS into highsterics and druv little TOMMY 

half wild. 

I casts a wild eye at my poultry-run. Bless you, behind its trim 

There was twenty young Ostriches tramping, and feeding on pebbles 

and nails. 
And there, in my paddock, where Blossom, the gentlest of Alderneys, 

A Burner, with two six-foot horns, was rampaging and rooting the 


My rabbits and pigeons were banished by monkeys and 'squalling 

And where my boy's " moke " had been tethered a Zebra was snap- 
ping its jaws. 

In fact, Sir, both in- doors and out, 'stead o' creatures familiar and 

There was nothing but quadrupeds queer and rum birds .1 'd be sorry 

to name. 

Well, I woke with a jump, and no wonder. "But this is mere 

dreaming," says you. 
Why yes. But if parties like WILSON ain't dropped on, sech dreams 

may come true. 
"Replenish the earth!" Very proper; but not with strange 

varmint, say I. 
Let each land keep its own, and, if that isn't Nature, I 'd like to ask 

why 't 

I know these acclimati thingummy parties of old. It was they 
As wanted to make us eat horse, snake, and cetrer. That game 

didn't pay ; 
And now they 'd have apes in our gardens, and shrill parroquets in 

our parks. 
Curassows and guans for poultry ! No fear, while we 've chickens 

and larks. 

Their Llamas, Vicunas, and similar crackjawish creatures may do 
For far furrin parts ; but our Shorthorns and Southdowns 'ud make 

'em look blue. 

Let us stick to our own native produce, Acclimatisation 's all fudge ; 
At least, Mr. Punch, them 's the views of 

Yours faithfully, 


(A suggestion, in dramatic form, made to ME. HENEY IRVING by a 
First Utility Gentleman, who has read his learned paper on 
" The l^hird Murderer in Macbeth," in this month's number of 
" The' Nineteenth Century.") 

THB question is, "Why were there three Murderers for Banquo 
when Macbeth had previously commissioned only two?" ME. 
IBVLNG has his view of the matter ; it is a neat conceit. I have my 
view of the matter ; it is a practical explanation. I have only .to add, 
Sir, that but for the jealousy and spite of some parties who shall be 
nameless, and ought to be fameless, I, Sir, should long ago, ere 
this, have topped the pinnacle of tmy dramatic ambition, and nave 
been billed all over the Metropolis and the provinces as The only 
Legitimate Tragedian. But no I will not detain you further, Sir 
a time will come, it hasn't yet, but it will, till then I am, till 
" this too solid flesh shall melt," 

Thine as thou usest me, 


P.S. I assume in the subjoined dramatic suggestion that Macbeth 
was produced before SHAKSPEABE wae BUBBAGE'S partner in manage- 
ment. If there is anything wrong with my view of facts, why, Sir, 
as the late MB. DUCBOW used to observe, " so much the wusser for the 

Now then, walk up, walk up, and see : 


SCENE. The Stage of the Globe Theatre. Date, 1606. A rehearsal 
of " Macbeth " is just over, and the ' Manager and the Author, 
MB. WILLIAM SHAKSPEABE, are standing together. The Com- 
pany is not yet dismissed, as the Prompter has requested them 
to stop until he has ascertained what time the piece is to be 
" called " for to-morrow. 

Mr. William Shakspetire. Marry, come up ! but my piece seemeth 
in a fair way to make a hit. The rehearsal went uncommonly well 
to-day, BUHBY, eh ? 

The Manager (dubiously). Yes. I think you'll have to cut the 
witches and the cauldron after the first night. We don't want ' em 
to "guy" the piece in the first scene, and call for "Hot Codlins," 
as 'twere a Christmas Pantomime. 

Mr. William Shakspeare. I'fakins ! my dear BUBBY, if they do 
but .their witching gently, there '11 be no pantomime in it, I .war- 
rant ye. 

[BUEBAGE shakes his head. At this moment a seedy looking 
person, icith a strip of paper in his hand, approaches MB. 
BUHBAGE deferentially, but tcith the constrained air of one 
acting under a painful sense of duty. He meets MB. WIL- 
LIAM SHAKSFEABE'S affable smile with a scotcl of the most 
intense resentment.^ 

.Burbagc (to seedy individual). Now then! I mean marry come up, 
TYMKYN. What is it ? 

Tymkyn (presenting the strip of paper to BTTBBAOE). By my 
halidome, MASTEB BTJBBAGE, I must ask to be relieved of this 1 part. 

Burbage (putting his hands behind his back and eyeing the strip of 
paper cautiously). What 's this ? 

APBIL 14, 1877.] 



Tymkyn. B'yr Ladye, Sir, and you do well to ask. This is whu 1 
MR. SHAKSPEARE, Sir, colls a good, part, I suppose (with tin indignan 
I/Inn' <it Mil. SIIAKSPEARE). It may be good enough for him who 

in your company, and I 've seen the fat given to others for tht 
asking, but b'yr La'kin, never have I played such a bad part as this 
and and (stifling his emotion) I beg to be relieved of it. Give it 
to the call-bor, or one of the dressers, but / have a position in this 
theatre, and by the merry maskins, i'i'akins, and gadso, I mean to 
keep it ! 

liiirbnge (in u conciliatory tone). Well, well, I 've no doubt MB. 
SHAKSPEARE can write it up a bit. Eh ? (Turns to MK. WILLIAM 

Sll UisI'KAKE). 

.I//-. William Sh'ikxpriirr (dubiously tiriililles his moustache and 
ildu's the I nft mi his chiii). Hum! Well, yon see the piece is 

written and to interpolate now would upset the whole thing. Be- 
sides Determined not to yield if he can help it) the part is really a 
reru good one. 

Tymkyn (superciliously]. Not a length, Sir. I am only " The 
hint." [Exhibits the stria disdainfully. 

.I// . If'illiniii Shakspeare (slightly bothered). Well, there s not 
much to say but, in a drama of this nature, the doing is more 
important than the saying. Besides (with the gleam of inspiration), 
you are on the stage most of the time. 

Tymkyn. Once, in the stage directions, MR. SIIAKSPKAKK. 

Mr. William Shakspeare. But (to Prompter) give me my manu- 
script. (Prompter hands it to him. He refers to it.) Ah ! I 
thought so. (He had forgotten when the Attendant had to appear.) 
You. are on in Act iii., Scene 1, a most important situation. Ton 
have to say - 

Tymkyn (with a smile of ineffable scorn). One line, Sir ; only one 
line, ana that (with inexpressible contempt) as a mere feeder for 

Mr. William Shakspeare (shifting his argument). But immedi- 
ately afterwards you usher in the two Murderers the most intense 
scene in the play. 

Ti/mkyn (with well assumed indifference). Perhaps so, Sir. I have 
not seen it, as I am at once ordered off the stage by Macbeth, and 
told to stay outside the door until he and the two Murderers call for 
me. And allow me to add, MR. SHAKSPEABE, I don't know 
whether it were a'noversight on your part or not, but tin a tone of 
the deepest injury) they never do call lor me. (Stifles his emotion, 
and resumes.) The consequence is, Sir, that I do not appear again. 

Burbage (half aside, to SHAXSPEAKE). You know you do want a 
good man in the Attendant's part. TYMKYN '11 do it for you, if you 
just give him a line or two more, and bring him on again with a fine 
or two. You know he can speak the lines if you give 'em to him. 
Marry come up, WILL ! 

Mr. William Shakspeare (meditatively). I might make him a 
Fourth Witch. 

Surbage. Now, by my halidome, that shalt thou not ! No more 
of your arointed witches. No, no I Rather have another Murderer. 

Tymkyn (overhearing and catching at the idea). Ay, by'r La'kin', 
and give me a fight with Bango, or whatever his name is. I have 
friends, Sir, in front, who expect somewhat from RAXPH TYMKYN 
and sturdy knaves, too, I warrant you, whose hands are as horny 
for clapping, and their throats as potent for hissing, as their neigh- 

Mr. William Shakspeare (after considering the MS. attentively). 

Tis well, MASTER TYMKYN ! Thou shalt have thy lines (colloquially). 

I bring you in, as MB. BITBBAGE has suggested, as a Third 

Murderer. I '11 give you some first-rate bits short, but telling 

and we "11 arrange the business of the light at rehearsal. 

Tymkyn (determined not to lose his opportunity). I 'm up 'to all 
sorts of combats, and, if necessary, can go through two or three traps. 
We 've got one here that was used for the Grave-Diqger i 

and b'yr leave.- 

-Digger in Hamlet, 

(hastily). Nay, nay, MASTER TTMKYN, trap me no traps 
ll 1 ule-tide be come again, and we play a Mystery. (Dismissing 
him.) You '11 have your part with thelnew.matter to-morrow. 

[Looks towards WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE. who is already seated 

at Prompter's table busily engaged in altering Sc. 1, Act iii., 

so as to introduce the Attendant who is to 'double' the 

part of the ' Third Murderer.' SHAKSPEARE looks up for 

a second, nods assent, then resumes his toork. 

Tymkyn (saluting MR. BURBAOB with much courtesy). Give ye 


you, too, MASTER SHAKSPKARE. Give you good den, Sir. Sola ! sola ! 

[Exit struttingly. 

The next day at rehearsal, MASTER RALPH TYMKYN was pre- 
sented with a part carefully written out in the largest and roundest 
hand, extending over three pages, and containing several additional 
lines for the Attendant, who thenceforth doubled the character of the 
Third Murderer. 


THE subjoined paragraph of news may suggest a reminiscence to 
some of the elder readers of Punch : 

a subscription of -30 to the funds of the Seamen's Hospital Society (late 
Dreadnought), Greenwich, through Hii Grace the I)UKB OF NOUTHU'MUEK- 

A woodcut extant on one of Mr. Punch's preceding pages is also 
engraven on the memory of patriarchs. They remember LEECH'S 
representation of the PKINCK OF WALES as a sailor-boy, on tiptoes, 
presenting a British Tar with a glass of grog. That was a donation, 
suitable to the years of His Royal Highness, in testimonial of his 
kindly consideration of poor JACK. Another as suitable to his pre- 
sent position, is this contribution to the funds of the Seamen's 
Hospital Society, which justly needed it, and are still open to 
liberal enlargement at the hands of all disposed to emulate a 
princely example. 

Death Kept at Arm's Length. 

A LINK has clearly been dropped out of the following advertise- 
ment : 

Bowel Complaints cured with one dose ; Typhtn or Low Fever cured 
with two doses ; Diphtheria cured with three doges ; Scarlet Fever cured with 
four doses ; Cholera cured with five doses. 

The last line (to match with the first) must have been 
" Death cured with six doses ! " 

An Ill-used Sovereign. 

GARTER King-at-Arms has been down at Windsor removing the 
insignia of the penultimate Sultan from among those of the Knights 
of the Garter. 

Is it possible they are not going to put 'up those of his reigning 
successor ? 

What did ABDUL- Aziz do to deserve this honour, that ABDUL- 
HAMID has done nut to deserve it ? 

An Odd Want. 

" WANTED, a Toung Woman, to wash pota : to live in." Manchester 

WE have heard of an advertisement, "Wanted, a Hermit," bd* 

we did not expect to see an advertisement, " Wanted, a Diogenes 

Female." What can she be wanted for ? To go about with a 
lantern looking for an honest Manchester man ? 

A Long Look Ahead. 

THE Mayor and Town Council of Luton, in their address to the 
MARCHIONESS OF TAVISTOCK on her marriage, expressed the hope 
" that her most noble consort and herself might witness the trans- 
mission to remote posterity of the illustrious honours of their great 
ancestral house." This is pushing their hopes very far indeed into 
;he future. 


MBS. MALAPROP writes to ask us to explain the difference, if any, 

.n the meaning of two phrases she often sees in her paper ; viz., 

' The question of the Eastern Position," and " the position of the 

Eastern Question." [Punch must decline the attempt. There is no 

difference, in one respect. Both are equally puzzling.] 


SINCE the capital of Dahomey is Abomoy, 'suppose the country 
were re-christened Abomey(i)nation P 


THE YOKES Family advertise their " Spring Tour." As if it could 
>e anything else ! 


APT quotation for the "Member for Jerusalem " "j Write 'me 
lown an Ass." 



L 14, 1877. 

. -;"/: 





SCENE. A wooded valley in Arcadia with a riew of rich pastures in 
the distance. Trees recently cut down in the fore-ground. 
English Shepherd discovered writing with extreme rapidity. To 
him enter Foreign Shepherd, leisurely. 

Foreign Shepherd. Good day. busy Shepherd ! You see I have 
come to join you for awhile, in hopes, under your kindly guidance, 
here to steep my soul in the refreshing balm of pastoral retirement. . 

English Shepherd (hurriedly). Glad to see you ! but really I am so 
very busy. Should prefer answering inquiries by post-card. 

Foreign Shepherd. Much-troubled Shepherd, you surprise me. I 
had imagined Arcadia the land of leisure. 

English Shepherd. Ah ! a vulgar error, I assure you. But as you 
are a stranger, I willjtry to spare you five minutes. Now then, what 
can I do for you ? Is there anything you want information about 
guidance encouragement give it a name ? 

Foreign Shepherd. Allow me first to give you my own Bis- 

English Shepherd (politely). Prince ! A thousand pardons ! I 
had not recognised your Highness. I need scarcely say that I shall 
be only too delighted to give you any information you may require 
about this new scene this land not of lotos-eating, but of laborious 
leisure, where it is never rather than always afternoon ; at least, 
never after post-time. 

Foreign Shepherd. Thanks ! First, then, as Hamlet says, can you 
play on this pipe, and teach me to do the same ? 

English Shepherd. Theoretically I can do both, but perhaps you 
had better wait till my essay on the subject written for the 
Twentieth Century, the Magazine of the. Future is published. In 
it I have gone into the matter of piping, aid the varieties; of syrinx, 
tibia, and ab\iis, with their different musical modes, rather deeply. 
I think you will find my authorities tolerably complete, and my 
deductions from them satisfactory. 

Foreign Shepherd. I doubt it not, Shepherd. Next, can you put 
me up to anything in the breeding and care of sheep, and the shear- 
ing, and fattening, killing, and cooking them ? 

English Shepherd. I have touched upon all these matters inci- 
dentally in an excursus I am writing upon " the Pastoral Life and 
its Occupations," to be printed in the appendix of , my treatise on 
" The Moon, and how to get there, with stray thoughts upon 
Balloons and the Electric Telegraph." 

Foreign Shepherd. May I ask how you manage your own flock ? 

English Shepherd. Nay my days of practical Shepherd-life are 
over. I am so busy with other matters, that I have pretty well lost 
sight of .my late sheep. 

Foreign Shepherd. Busy ! Not with that most wearisome of 
all work polities I hope? 

English Shepherd. I came here, like yourself, to avoid it. If I 
write a score of political pamphlets in a year, or deliver as many 
political speeches in a month, it is quite as much, in that line, as I 
can find time for. No. I have turned over my crook to my excellent 
young friend, HAETINGTON. A few hints a day about the leader- 
ship of the party is the limit of my interference. You see he must 
learn to walk alone. In fact I am too old for political work. I 
am here to enjoyi ease with dignity, and a due allowance of letter- 

Foreign Shepherd. My case to a nicety, except the letter-writing. 
And how do you get through your time f Sleeping under the trees, 
" Tityre'tu patula; "eh ? 

English Shepherd. Well, no, not exactly. You see I am rather 
fond of wood-cutting, and should have made short work, ere this, 
with most of the timber in Arcadia, had not the native Shepherds, 
with less taste for strenuous occupation, violently interfered. 

Foreign Shepherd. Dear me ! I had thought that the inhabitants 
of this charming country were the peacefullest of people. 

English Shepherd. Well the fact is, we don't quite suit each 
other. They actually got up an indignation meeting the other day 
to protest against what they call my "restlessness." I made 








APHIL 14, 1877.) 



a speech six hours' long, wrote four pamphlets, and entered into a 
correspondence with six daily papers to show how little ground 
there was for the charge. In the little game of pen and ink 
I soon tired 'em all out ; but this threw my private letters into 
arrear. As soon, however, as I have brought np my correspondence, 
I hope to get back to my axe again. 

Foreign Shepherd. Do the Arcadians ever dance ? 

English Shepherd. They did. The first day I joined them they 
wanted me to step a measure. In answer to their invitation I de- 
livered a lecture, in two parts, upon dancing from the earliest days, 
illustrated with extracts from the Classical Authors. The delivery 
of that took me only a summer's day, but the Arcadians are a super- 
ficial people, and easily tired. They flatly refused to hear " Part 
Two," which I had reserved for the day following. 

Foreign Shepherd. And pray how do you employ your time when 
not writing or wood-cutting ? 

English Shepherd. My 'leisure. Oh, in the most delightful 
manner. I rise early to call the larks and look after the early birds 
in their pursuit of the worms. Then I give the wood-nymphs a field 
lecture on Botany ; or may drop in upon Fan for a discussion of the 
musicof the Past, the Present, and the Future ; then I am putting into 
a form borrowed from the Cyna-getica of XENOPHON a little catechism 
of Hunting in its various branches, for the use of Diana. By 
this time it is the hour to sit down to my regular work. First I 
dispose of my rather miscellaneous outer-world correspondence. 
Here is the list of subjects I have to write upon to-day, alphabetically 
arranged. Acrobatic performances, Butterflies, Cape Horn, Damson 
tart, Early potatoes, r rench polish, Geography of Eastern Australia, 
Hams, Insurance Companies. Jelly, King-fishers, Lent customs, 
Mormon history, Negro melodies, Pepper, Queer Street, Rope- 
rigging, Steam. Tide-waiters, Umpires at Doat-races, Vehicles of the 
early Greeks, Warts, Xerxes as an organiser, Young Gentlemen's 
school-hampers, and Zanoni, in relation to MASKELYNE \ N n COOKE'S 
entertainment. Next But a thousand pardons, your Highness, my 
promised five minutes are consumed, and I must hence. 

Foreign Shepherd. Whither away, strenuous Shepherd ? 

English Shepherd. In search of atrocities amongst the Satyrs. 

[Exit hurriedly. 

Foreign Shepherd (smiling). I wonder if there will be room in 
Arcadia for both of us ! 

(Scene closes in.) 



ATTTBAL History, of 
course, during the 
Easter Recess, turned 
up in the papers. One 
announced that 
he had heard the 
cuckoo, another 
the nightingale ; 
others had seen 
martins and 

in the Times. 
said that he had 
observed golden 
orioles on the 
grass in Hyde 
Park. A sub- 
sequent letter- 
writer stated 
that his atten- 
tion had been 
attracted there 
by some wheat- 
eara, and sug- 
gested that 
had mistaken 

them for orioles ; as though wheatears and orioles were birds of 
a feather. Can the wheatears so-called have really been, yellow- 
hammers, or green-finches, or large torn-tits ? 

However, in Hyde Park, both wheatears and orioles, if rare, would 
yet have been seasonable. Not so the birds seen by another Times 
Correspondent, " A NATURALIST," in sundry poulterer's shops, birds 
par excellence, partridges. Ay, and moreover, capercailzie, black 
game, ptarmigan, pinnated grouse, quail, 'golden plover, lapwing, 
wild-duck, widgeon, pintails, and teal the Wild Birds' Protection 
Act notwithstanding. 

The ptarmigan probably came from the North of Europe, the pin- 
nated grouse are Yankees, but whence were the widgeon, teal, wfld 

duck, and the other wild-fowl ? And above all, whence the part- 
ridges '< Perhaps some poulterer may be penman enough to explain. 
On the first of February, say the Almanacks, " Partridge-shooting 
ends." Does it ? Perhaps it does, and perhaps partridge-netting 
begins. What say the poulterers ': 

Everybody knows that the birds above enumerated ought all at 
this time to be hatching their eggs, or foraging for their young, and 
not hanging up for sale. Also, that to eat birds at breeding-time is 
the way to exterminate them and destroy food. Poaching, always bad 
enough, is, during the close months, too bad. It would have been 
scorned by the genuine old poacher, the burden of whose song wag : 
" Tis my delight, of a shiny night, 
In the season of the year." 

But your poulterers' poachers poach without limitation by the 
season. They poach, as zealous pastors preach, in season and out of 

The poulterers will perhaps say that their poachers poach out of 
British bounds. In that case it may be worth while to consider 
LOED COLVILLE'S question in the Times : 

" If no other method can be devised for stopping this illegitimate traffic, 
would it not be desirable that a Bill Bhould be passed through Parliament 
entirely prohibiting the sale of any game, protected by British Game Laws, 
after the expiration of the time during which such game may be killed ? " 

In a quaint volume, composed in pre-scientific days, an old 
English writer, to account for the simultaneous appearance of birds 
of passage all over England, gravely broached the speculation that 
they descended from the moon. If poulterers could prove that their 
shops were supplied from pur satellite, then indeed, perhaps, they 
might plead some justification for selling game and wildfowl out of 


PROSPECTS OF THB SESSION. ".MR. BIOOAR, M.P., has placed upon 
the ' Order Book ' of the House of Commons notices of his intention to more 
the rejection of the following Bills:!. The Prisons (Scotland) Bill; 2. 
The Public Health (Ireland) Bill ; 3. The Valuation of Property (Ireland) 
Bill ; 4. The Beads and Bndges (Scotland) Bill ; 5. The Marine Mutiny 
Bill; 6. The Mutiny Bill; 7. The House Occupiers' Disqualification Ee- 
moTal Bill ; 8. The Supreme Court of Judicature (Ireland) Bill ; 9. The 
Patents for Inventions Bill; 10. The Threshing Machines Bill; 11. The 
Peerage of Ireland Bill ; 12. The Legal Practitioners' Bill ; 13. The Dirine 
Worship Facilities Bill. All these; Bills the Honourable Member proposes to 
proceed with ' this day six months.' " Tht Titnet. 

LONG Pat had been plotting to lay a new tax on 

The soul of the slow and long-suffering Saxon. 

Some new " Irish grievance, for pinching the toes, 

Not of poor brogueless Pat but his Sassenach foes. 

He has tried much manoeuvring more or less clever 

The links twixt himself and the Saxon to sever. 

He blew up our prisons the Saxon was steel, 

And potting our peelers secured not repeal. 

The dull British Pharaoh his heart could e'en harden 

'Gainst patriot shines in O'B.'g Cabbage Garden. 

He slanged us, we spared him our toil and our time ; 

We gave, it was nought : we withheld, 'twas a crime. 

One party worked hard for him. Pat did his best 

To bundle them out of the Treasury nest ; 

But when his best friends shivered out in the cold, 

And their rivals sat snug in the Government fold, 

Still Pat was not happy. Says he, with a groan, 

" They refuse me a Parliament-House of me own, 

And so, by me sow], I '11 be plantin' me snares 

To play up the divil's divarshin with theirs." 

At length, knowin' Pat thought of scoring a chalk, 

By unlimited Blue-Hook and infinite talk. 

Wordy flux from wide mouths that no floodgates can shut, 

The drawl of a BIG GAR. the flow of a Brn, 

Or PABNELL'S Blue-Book readings, he hopes may avail, 

Where spurts of seditious scurrility fail. 

The Government carriage all progress must stay, 

Because noisy Pat's patent-drag stops the way. 

But surely the task doesn't happily fit 

A boy of renown for his smartness and wit. 

'Tis hardly the part of a patriot sublime 

To dribble out Bine-Book, and talk against time, 

With a view, so they say is he quite such a fool ? 

To bother the Saxon, ana further Home-Rule. 

No, Pat, it won't wash. It is all very well 

For BIGGAR, and CAT.LAW, and Knot, and PAairfcLL, 

To block np the road, while JOHN BULL is at play ; 

But when he means business, he "11 soon clear the way ! 

Tm> PLACE TO SPESD ALL FOOLS' DAY. Madame Tous-$ots\ 



[APRIL 14, 1877. 

-' X- 
... U 






OUR Parish Church has recently had the benefit of restora- 
tion, nnder the stimulus of the zeal of our High young Vicar, and a 
party he has got to back him. This operation has been effected by 
the combined forces of a subscription, a restorative architect, a 
solemn clerk of the works, a gang of very beery workmen, and large 
libations of the necessary liquor, to keep their clay in the state of 
moisture required for working. 

Great glory has been achieved by the powers that be the Vicar, 
the Restoration Committee, the resident ecclesiologist, and others. 

The old pews having beea torn down, the memorial stones, thrust 
into holes and corners, many cartloads of consecrated earth, with 
a due proportion of humanity among the mould, used for filling up 
an old sawpit, the long series of triumphs has culminated in an auction, 
a sort of rag-and-bone sale of the disjecta membra of our Parish 
Church, now effectually turned out of windows. Imagine, dear 
Punch, the feelings of an unecclesiological parishioner, like 
myself, on reading the placard 

"To be Sold, &c., &c., Curved Oak Pulpit handsome Stone Font, date 
unknown curious oak panelling, time of QUEEN ELIZABETH all in eon- 
sequence of the restoration of the Church." 

Brisk firewood prices were realised, and marine-store-dealera 
seemed to be having what their American cousins call "a good 
time. '_ Some of the decorators, probably members of Archaeological 
Societies, were heard to deplore the loss that had been sustained 
through much of the old wood having been appropriated surrep- 
titiously .by the workmen for their own fires. 

I take the liberty of offering some suggestions to those who are 
about to have the same operation performed in their own parishes. 
For instance, the expenses of the Auctioneer might be saved by the 
Sexton being employed on Sundays to dispose of the various proper- 
ties by retail, at the church doors, after service when once service 
is set agoing again. The chance of purchasing a lot of nice firewood 
cheap would often he appreciated by the congregation. 

Then why should an expensive gang of workmen be called in 
merely to destroy ? Could not the Vicar, Clerk, and Sexton, in the 

words of MACAULAY, " gird up their gowns, seize hatchet, bar, 
and crow, and aid in the work of demolition " P The Nationa 
School children, too, would be edified by the spectacle and delighted, 
I am sure, to take part in it. We are at the present time teaching 
them, by books only, a great deal about the Goths and Vandals ; we 
might thus give them an illustration by example of those barbarians 
in action. Besides it is such a great thing to sweep away all the in- 
congruities of the last three hundred years above all to get rid of all 
traces of what our High young Vicar is in the habit of inveighing 
against by the name of that "pernicious Protestantism," and to 
bring the Parish Church back to the beauty of what he calls 
" primitive times." 

I remain, dear Mr. Punch, yours, 


Sludgecombe, Kent. 

(who liked the old Church). 

Prejudiced to the Backbone. 

THESE are hardly the days in which to establish a fresh class of 
privileged beings. Yet this is proposed by the Holt-Hardcastle 
Cruelty Bill, which contemplates protecting vertebrated animals 
only, and so opens a door for future agitation for removal of the Dis- 
abilities of Invertebrates. A learned Judge has.been known to ap- 
peal to the "proud title" of "our common vertebration " as _a 
ground for the courtesy of Counsel ; but we doubt whether there is 
after all much to choose between the sensations of the live-bait, and 
those of the cold-blooded vertebrate who has swallowed it. 

A Famous Name. 

" OTTECROSSE. March 24, at Eaton, Cheshire, the residence of her son-in- 
Esa., late of Eaton, in her 87th year." 

WE are sorry to add that OTTIWELL OTTECROSSE BUNNE has since 
given notice of a change of name. What a pity, as one of Punch's 
correspondents remarks, that the day when this venerable mother 
of the large family of the Eaton OTTECROSSE BUNNES departed this 
life was not March 30, instead of March 24. 

APBIL 14, 1877.] 




I ) i: u; PUNCH, to swimming quarters, their noses pointed to the nearest friendly 

I HOPE that this letter, and the illustrations it contains, port, and the word given to strike out in the order and at the pace 

may save our gallant tars from any scare about the White-head tor- best suited to the wind and weather. Cutlasses and axes would be 

pedoes. Suppose our ships are destined to be blown to smithereens served out to baflle any attempt of the enemy to catch them in nets, 

by a submarine shock, or smashed by a floating gun-carriage. The and provisions would be carried in'watertight caissons. There would, 
worst that could happen would be that the crews would have to of course, always be the chance of their "getting a ship" by the way. 
take the water. Of course they must be fitted for that element 1 1 think the future of the British sailor in war-time promises to be of 

required to put on Boyton dresses before going into action, and 
trained to perform the usual movements in blue water as coolly as with 
dry deck-planks under their feet. 
The moment their craft goes from under them they would be piped 

the most amusing character little more, in short, than a brief cruise 
in an iron-clad, followed by a prolonged period 01 aquatic sports and 
pastimes. 1 am, Mr. P., yours ever, 




I HEAD the other day, in the Western News, of a difficulty 
that occurred at a marriage in Stoke Church Devqnport. The ring 
was found missing at the critical moment! This, I believe, has 
often happened before, but somebody has usually had presence of 
mind to find a substitute. On this occasion no ring could be found 
among the whole party, and the bride and bridegroom were going 
away the one grumbling, the other scolding, when, happily, the 
missing link was discovered, t'n the bowl of the bridegroom's pipe, 
which he had been ill-bred enough to bring to Church in his pocket 
on that day of all days ! 

Surely, my dear Mr. Punch, this thing is an allegory a warning 
against the use of the nasty filthy pipe by new married men, lest in 
that bowl, though not inebriating, the link between man and wife 
as yet too tender to stand smoking should disappear. 

I am, dear Mr. Punch, your disobedient servant, 



Mntcrfamilias. What is to be done, my dear? He positively 
doats on her ! 
Paterfamilias. Well, we must try to find him an antidote. 


IT may not be generally known that among the Institutions of the 
City of London there exists a special Society for the cultivation of 
the manly art of swimming. This is the London Swimming Club, 
quartered at the City of London Baths, Barbican, E.C. On the part 
of this Association, the Secretary, MB. J. WHALLET, announces their 
offer " to instruct gratuitously all non-swimmers, or to recommend 
professional instructors to those who can afford to pay for tuition," 
and also 

" To assist the large wholesale houses of the City in forming swimming 
clubs among their employe!, haying been exceedingly successful in similar 
efforts in the East and West India Book Company, where all candidate* for 
employment must either swim or undertake to learn in a stated time." 

There is an obvious sphere of usefulness for a Swimming Club 
in any Company employing persons about a Dock who may 
tumble into it. Their assistance must also be serviceable to shops 
and City employes, who often get into hot water, but not so often, 
as they might to their own advantage, into cold. The principals of 
some of those houses would be glad to learn how, under any cir- 
cumstances, to keep their heads above water. 

FOOD FOR THE STARVING Bute ABUSS. The " Provisions of the 



[APRIL 14, 1877. 


Tio is at Bartholomew's). " GEORGE, THESE 


Paterfamilias (to his Eldest Son, i 

George (grandly). " FILL YOtra CASE PILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER ! ! " 



PRIVATE and Confidential. Look here, Mr. P. It really is not fair to 
pretend that your Reporter was overcome by the hospitality he experienced. I 
assure you it was the emotion ; and if I did turn into Primrose Hill Station- 
House, it was simply because I mistook it for MR. FILDES' studio, where I 
understood he was painting a pendant to his great work " The Casuals," the 
title of which is to be " The Rear of the Van,'' an expressive and realistic 
view of the unfortunate convicts, as they are handed from the Police Omnibus 
to the cells. If I might suggest to the Artist, a better title would perhaps be 
" The Cells and the Sold.' 1 ) But this by. the way. To say that I was there in 
either a prostrate or a ridiculous position is to stab me with a Primrose ; and as 
to WILLS giving me Bird's Eye, I was not in his studio at all last round ; and 
when I teas there I was introduced to Miss CAVENDISH, who, no doubt, was 
ordering her portrait or a leash of dramas (a reduction, don't you see, on taking 
a quantity) ; and though her brilliant optic may have reminded me quite as 
much of Bird's-Eye as of Cavendish, I know my manners better than to smoke 
before a lady. All this, as I have intimated above, is strictly private ; and I 
shall take it as a personal affront if you further abuse my confidence and my 
conduct in your next number. Of course, if you didn't mean it, I apologise. 

Your Reporter grieves to write " Round Last," but circumstances over which 
he has not sufficient control will get the better of him. The fact is. I have had 
a facer from cruel Fate that has knocked me into what is figuratively known as 
" a cocked hat." 

I received a card several cards elegantly printed, embossed, and gilt- 
edged, from most of the Academicians, all the Associates, and crowds of the 
unappreciated outsiders, begging me "to honour them with a visit," in fact 
to accept their kind invitations to criticise their works with impartiality and 
enthusiasm, only and there is much virtue in your "only" I was expected to 
call on Sunday, the First of April ! Now your Reporter has no conscience- 
troubled vacillations as to the right and wrong of visiting a studio on a Sunday 
afternoon. There are no cornfields for him to walk through at that time of 
year, and it is too chilly to be abroad in the meadows to view the young lambs 
indeed I don't think it is good for the young lambs themselves. They run the 

risk of cold, and though cold lamb, with mint-sauce, is not 
to be sneezed at, lamb, with a cold, and sneezing, is not 
pleasant. So as your critic can't pace the fields to study 
the works of Nature, he does the other thing, sauntering 
lazily from one work of Art to another, with much men- 
tal profit and aesthetic advantage at the same time. But 
your Reporter is not an ordinary bird, to be caught with 
chaff or salt. 

Private views, on the First of April ! No, you don't ! 
Two can play at that old game ! And yet would you 
believe it ? it was all bond fide. Show-Sunday fell on 
the first this year, and the only well, I will not say the 
only fool, for I was misled by the cards of invitation, and 
when I went round the studios on Tuesday (it was no use 
going on Easter Monday, you know, for I am told all the 
Artists go out of town on that anniversary to spend the 
proverbial and much-advertised happy day at llosher- 
ville, or the best substitute for it they can find at 
Brighton or Woolwich Gardens), all the doors were shut 
in my face with a grin of the shutters', and the informa- 
tion that I knew very well all the pictures had "gone in." 

What a loss this is to the critical and artistic public, 
my dear Sir, I need hardly point out. Had not this most 
unhappy contretemps interrupted the course of these 
"rounds," I might have described MR. FRITH'S tre- 
mendous effort, which he has entitled " The Crush a 
Drawing-room at St. James's." I might have told how 
on this crowded canvas the Aristocratic Countess, the 
Distracted Dowager, and the Delicate Debutante are 
seen tearing each other's lace flounces, brocade trains, 
and damasses fixings, in the desperate charge of the six 
hundred into the presence of Royalty. 

I might have visited the studio of that Academician 
of delicate feelings who puts a fan up when you men- 
tion ETTT, and makes studies of the muscular system 
from the stuffed lay-figureto whom the naked eye is an 
indelicacy, and the bare walls of his own room a painful 
impropriety. I would, probably, but for that unlucky 
First, have written a sonnet on MR. SANDTS'S grand 
drawing of " Medusa Defying the Consequences" or his 
poem in black chalk of " Penelope Chewing her Back 
Hair," though my lines could never come up to the 
Artist's in purity and grace of outline. 

I would have told you how MONSIEUR TISSOT (who has 
become so English that he prefers being called SIR TISSOT, 
Esquire) received me in his salon - conservatory, and 
brought out for my decisive eye his charming study called 
" The Female Four-Oar," four bewitching ballet-girls, 
in sailor costume, rowing with the Artist as coxswain 
down at Henley. I could have given you valuable infor- 
mation about his allegorical picture, "Beauty as a Beast." 
"Man, cherj' (he always speaks French to me,) "the 
British Public wants more Poetry, more Sentiment. Eh 
bien, I will give it them, man ami, tout chaud." 

You should have heard how I called on BOTTGHTON, 
and saw his "Primrose Family looking for themtefoes 
in a Wood ; " how I revelled in a canvas of ORCHARD- 
SON'S, fifteen feet long by two in height, called " Bill 
Stickers Beware ! "a single murdered page lying in 
the right corner with a dagger in his bosom, while the 
top of a middle-aged head-dress, just seen above the 
broken bottles, suggests a female interest in the unfortu- 
nate victim, or how I took part in PETTIE'S Rapier and 
Dagger Fight, all point and edge, snip and snap, slish 
and slash, like Petruchio's wife's gown. 

I could have mentioned STOREY'S " Pumps at Bath" 
BRITTON RIVIERE'S " One Little Pig had none," HAT- 
WOOD HARDY'S " Stampede at the Zoo," FRANK HOLL'S 
" Undertaker's Delight,' VANDYKE BROWN'S " Definitive 
and Decisive Burial of Harold's Body," and ROSE 
MADDER'S " Cauliflowers and Melted Butter." But as 
these pictures, like the Critic's Armada, were not in 
sight, I could not see them, and so am reluctantly obliged 
to be silent. And, after all, " silence is golden ; " so pay 
me for mine a cheque will do and do not, in your 
satirical way, insinuate that I was incapacitated by 
numberless nips (Number Nip, by the way, is a malig- 
nant fairy who might have tempted me into excesses), 
from standing another Round. 

No, Sir, this would be treatment worthy of low and 
scurrilous publications, not received on the drawing- 
room tables of Belgravia, or the boudoir chiffoniers of 
Carlton Gardens. I repeat, Sir, my silence was due to 
the fact that Show Sunday happened to fall on the 
First of April a day of which I wish you many happy 

APRIL 21, 1877.] 




I.KII.V, Mr. 


"Out on 
but frua.s 

U' W-, \e 

l dn 
and dry '" 

'n, a /i, l 
u daily 

lor a ly 

.L-ics, ymr 
must ii i 
ye, owl 

d . 

No relief t<> Parlia- 
mentary prose iiii'i 

on?" \\V11, 

Sir, Kcru is IM>IIII- set-off to dii- 
cumtott, t couxmou-pla 

twaddle ; to talcs of atrocities, 
s, and VandaliMn.-.. 
Hero is exhilarating intelli- 
gence. I quote the Times : 


writt'8 to us from Oak Lodge, High- 
K'atf, N. : "The Hill of the North 
Metropolitan High Level i 
Company has ju.>t I" 
by its promoters. Thus Click, after 
more than one fruitlos " 
launch it, a scheme which would 
i no one (ex< t'pt its 
promoters), b:ivin{j no 
feature of public utility U> i 

mend it, and with the absolute certainty of spoiling two of the finest suburbs 

of London.' " 

Hooray I These are glad tidings, Sir, to myself at least, as one 
who has the heart that can feel i"r :ui"thi r. Th' .1 at the 

hands of the North Metropolitan Hi-h Level Railway Company, 
happily averted from Hampstead and Highjjate, is the like of that 
which my Common hag been threatened i'h l>y the London and 
South-Western. I hope their project of encroachment will be de- 
feated also by the effectual opposition of the Open Space Defenders 
in Parliament to the Railway interest with their policy of steam 
and ironi But to insure my delivery from the hands of those Philis- 
tines who are doing their utmost to despoil me by adding inroad to 
Railroad, pray, Sir, exhort my Parliamentary friends and well- 
wishers to use careful watch for the preservation of the pleasant 
vicinage of your suburban BABHES. 

P,8. It is all very well to remove all impediments to progress, 
but I dread the abolition of the toll on Hammersmith Bridge. One 
consequence will be that my little quiet promontory, or peninsula, 
will very soon be built all over, and I shall be surrounded and 
suffocated with slums. Who will not be very much the less happy 
for all this, and who any the happier but landlords and builders r 


Mil. FlTNCIl, 

Mv attention has been called to an article by the RIGHT. 
HON. SIK HENRY Sc MNKR MAIM:, K.S.I., &c., in the current number 
of the Furl nightly 7iYnVic (a periodical I am free to say I never read 
before), in which he compares the feudal land-laws of England and 
France, and shows, with convincing clearness, how the main cause 
of the French Revolution that which not only brought it about, 
but made it the horrid thing we all shudder at was the p< ouliar 
hatred of the French peasant to the French seigneur. And \ t, us 
Sn; HENKY goes on to show, almost all the incidents of French 
tenure existed in England as in France. In fact the French peasant 
was but the English copyholder under another name. How then 
was it, he pertinently asks, that here in England we, having the 
same evils, escaped a like curse ? Do not English hearts hum at 
injustice and wrong? Do not Englishmen nurse grievances, ami 
thirst for revenge r SIR HENBY is not the man to ask questions 
and then run away from the answers. He tells us why it was. 

No one of the incidents of feudal tenure was more oppressive ami 
calling than the liability of the tenant to do taskwork for his lord. 
In seed-time and at harvest he had to give a day's work for nothing. 
He was driven reluctantly to the field, whither he went with a sore 
heart, and which he left at eventide with muttered curses and half- 
formed resolves. So grew the " rooted wrong," which it required 
a Revolution to remove. 

In this England of ours the same liability existed, but instead of 
tears we had laughter instead of curses, songs. ' How is this ? There 
was, so SIR HENRY tells us, a custom in England that though the 
tenant trim bound at certain teatnni to gire his lord a day's tcork, the 

, bound to 'U the close of ei-ery day so spent, 

.1 >w ! The mystery is solved. The 

plain to the 

iiiieal, they found 

. mure potatoes than he Inn d, and they 
labour and U> give the dinner. 

Butti : Mii-xivid in the admirable pro] 

of our : . possible occasion. It U the 

, which has sax >n; HI:NKV show-, from horrors 

ihle in the past. That it may long continue so to do in the 
future, K the earnest prayer <>t Yours truly, 


(L'j with the sentiment, " May 

our 1'iililii- J tinners never grow lem .' ") 

\F..\l; M KM' INK. 


By an Englishman in Italy. 

TUE sheen of olive-leafage dickers o'er 
'I ho shaded valley depths, like guardian steel 

To keep from sunshine's ravage the rich store 
Of flowers that those cool treasuries conceal. 

In restful masses stand the pines on high, 

In the deep hush of the unclouded sky. 

The wind from seaward blows : no fitful gust, 
But one harmonious march of fragrant air, 

l'iri-k with the sharpness of the salt sea-dust, 
Sweet with sprint; (lowers and piny odours rare : 

That breathes, as with a loving hush, to still 

The voice of maidens coming down the hill. 

With laughing eyes beneath the kerchief's fold, 
And smiling lips and queenly pose and gait, 

They bear their lemon-baskets, filled with gold, 
Like Grecian nymphs who on some goddess wait ; 

A living picture in each vivid face, 

And balanced form of free and simple grace. 

A hush of converse as they draw anigh, 

A coyness in the lift of nimble feet, 
A consciousness of my regard, a shy 

Half smile of welcome as our glances meet, 
Like wind-swept sunshine over April grass, 
And, Heavens ! the whiff of Garlic as they pass ! 

Opinions Differ. 

" I think it is a matter for congratulation and rejoicing, in the circum- 
stances, that I should have to state that there is a small surplus, no rmtunon 
of taxation, and no intention on the part of the Government of imposing any 
new tax." CHANCELLOR OF THE JixcBEQUER, Budget Speech. 

PKKUATS the tax-payer may think otherwise. Perhaps he may 
enu-ider that it is hardly "a matter for congratulation and re- 
joicing" that there is "no remission of taxation." Or are we all 
(the CHANCELLOR ov THK EXCHEQUER excepted) wrong? Is taxa- 
tion a blessing in disguise, one which ought to make us grateful for 
its imposition, thankful for its continuance, and discontented and 
murmuring when it is remitted P 

No Smoke without (Poetic) Fire. 

HERE is one of the neatest things in poetical advertisement Punch 
has come across for some time. It is from the Burnley Advertiser ; 

' daily Young FEU* 

Purchases hie Cigars 
At Hi.Azr.K's shop, 
Where the bet are. 

When be want* good Smoking Mix- 
And Snuff for his note ; [ture, 
Gaily Young FEROVSOM 
Purchases thoie." 

The air aimed at seems to be the once fashionable "Qaily the 
Troubadour ; " but the advertiser may say of his metre, as Ftubnt 
says of his tobacco, " Short cut or long to me are all the same." 


THE favourite interlocutory ejaculation of AHMED VEFIK P\-n \, 
Speaker of the Turkish Parliament, it seems, is " Suss." Now 
" Sutt " in German means " sweet." In Turkish it means " Shut 
up ! " which is short and not sweet. 

APRIL 21, 1877.] 



Liv Committees have 
much to answer for. 
(Monday, Aprils.) 
answer to a ques- 
tion about reputed 
Turkish outrages 
on Christians in 
Bosnia and Herzegovina, read long extracts from dispatches of MR. 
HOLMKS, declaring he knew nothing about the outrages referred to, 
but giving, instead, particulars of outrages on mottensive lurks by 
offensive Christians. . 

According to ME. HOLMES, all the mischief m these parts is owing 
to the Slav Committees which bring about Christian brigandage 
miscalled insurrection and that again has naturally drawn < 
Turkish retaliation, and then we have a fuss made about 
rages " and " atrocities." ... 

MR HOLMES apparently considers the Turks in Bosnia a very ill- 
used race. And Mu. HOLMES is on the spot-and has been there 
ever so long, and knows all about it m a general way. 

MB. BOURKE evidently enjoyed reading his despatches, as much 
the Ministerial majority hearing them. To be sure MR. IORSTEB 
was ill-bred enough to ask. even after the reading, whether MR. 
HOLMES had been instructed to inquire into the particular cases ot 
outrages referred to, and had so inquired; but MR. BOCRKE pro- 
perly rebuked such peddling, pettifogging curiosity, and declare 
that as the Consul was on the spot, he must know best what was 

worth inquiring into and what wasn't, and that it wasn t for people 
here to be giving him directions, and did MB. FOBSTKR know what 
telegrams to tho!e out-of-the-way places cost P Altogether BOURM 8 
night wi' HOLMES maybe pronounced a great success. In M 
change style we should describe the Eastern market: "atrocities 
Hat; and outrages below par "with no symptoms of rallying, 
except among the more " chaffy " supporters of the Government. 

A good deal of small picking and paring, nibbling and grumbling, 
in Supply, but, to the best of Punch's knowledge and belief, not a 
penny got rid of. Among the topics of conversation were House of 
Lords officers in general, their work and pay, and among them 
Black-rod in particular, who is to have a fixed salary < * "<**>, 
instead of twice as much from fees which now are to be paid 
into the Exchequer, out of which JOHN BPLLIS to make between tw 
and three thousand a year. It Punch that, perhaps those 
who pay the fees might claim to be heard m the matter. 
cases of objectionable Office charges PuncA has observed that the 
House's notion of reform, and 8 ^1 more the Treasury s is mrf 
to abolish fees for doing nothing, but to transfer them .from the 

odf grumbling about the cost of Surveyors and the 
number of Surveys under the Merchant Shipping Act. What would 
people have ? First they insist on surveyors and surveys, and then 
they quarrel because the one find plenty of work to do, and the 
other cost money ! Poor SIR CHABLES ADDULKY may complain as 
the drummer did, of the unreasonableness of the man he was flogging, 
" Hit high, or hit low, there 's no pleasing you. 



[APRIL 21, 1877. 



iver the Government, on his motion for completing the reparation 
itill due by England to one of its greatest and most hardly-used 
naval heroes, the late LORD DUNDONALD. What need to tell the 
story that shames us all of the hero's undeserved disgrace, and 
Sngland's or rather her Ministers' long delayed atonement for it ; 
and, when after eighteen years' undeserved exclusion from the 
Service he had so helped to make glorious, LORD DCTNDONAID, a 
grey-haired, shattered, impoverished, but still unconquered man, 
was restored to his naval rank how his pay for all those years of 
unmerited exclusion from the field of honour, duty, and service, was 
still withheld. 

Thanks to her blood, BRITANNIA has always had the good feeling to 
jlush for this ; and to-night showed she had pluck besides to 
brush aside the pitiful pleadings of the Government that would have 
sacrificed justice to miserable technicality or more miserable nig- 
gardliness. // Angleterrc le veult and, of course, La Reine le vault 
and so " LET SIGHT BE DONE." The death-bed demand of the grand 
old ill-used Admiral will be granted, and the little he could leave 
o the inheritors of his honours will be increased by what the 
3overnment so long kept back from the hero himself. 

Row SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE came to play, not for the first 
;ime, the childish game of first squaring up, and then knuckling 
down, Punch not knowing cannot say. But call you THIS "leading 
of your friends ? " Punch calls it sneaking after them. 

ME. JAMES moved to empower the House to poke its nose 
into the City Companies their revenues, and the spending thereof. 

"When the Mutiny Bill came on, SIR A. GORDON rose to deprecate 
the bringing of the whole body of Militia Officers under that for- 
midable measure. MR. PETEB TAYLOR complained of the Mutiny 
Bill being rammed down his throat at a quarter to one o'clock. 
Fancy courteous HABDY ramming anything down anybody's throat, 
at any hour, in these mild days. Though he might have been ex- 
cused if he had tried to ram something down the throats of that 
pestilent pair, BIGGAE and PABNELL, when they rose, like unwhole- 
some exhalations, one after the other, against going, into Committee, 
and HABDY, amidst a chorus of laughter, at once knocked under 
to the infliction. 

If this goes on, something will have to be done ! The idea of a dis- 
cussion on the Mutiny Bill ! We shall 'next have Magna Charta 
made matter of a motion by DR. KENEALY. 

Tuesday. SIR. W. BABTTELOT and no wonder wants to know 
about Outbreaks of Cattle-plague at Willesden. A good many, 
besides SIB WALTER, want to know more on this very unpleasant 
subject than the Privy, or any other, Council can tell them. One 
particularly ugly fact in the matter is the possibility, if nol 
more, that it may be the inspectors who disperse the germs oi 
infection. If that be so, we may well ask, "Quis custodiet ipsos cus- 
todes?" who will inspect the inspectors ^and disinfect the disin- 
fectors ? 

ME. COOPER is to have his Committee on aggravating old 
Father Thames's trick of getting out of his bed in wet weather, 
though the Lords are about to have their own Select Committee or 
River Conservancies and their duties, a reference one might have 
thought big enough to take in even Father Thames and his tricks. 

PETER TAYLOR, that mortal enemy of the "harmless necessary 
Cat," was within 42 of getting it chivied out of the Navy without 
leaving one of its nine tails Tbehind. Punch is inclined to parody 
the Laureate, " The Cat is going let him go? " Now we have come 
down to seven floggings a year, it would seem as if it can hardly be 
worth keeping so many Cats to catch so few mice. Still Captains like 
to know there is a Cat in the cupboard, to be let out of the bag on grea' 
occasions as Judges like to have a gallows to fall back on, in 
extreme cases. But the Navy Cat is doomed, though all know Cats to 
be the hardest of diers, and this one seems to carry a life, if not nin 
lives, at each of his nine tails. 

But if PETER TAYLOB all but triumphed over EGERTON and his 
Cat, SIR ROBERT ANSTBUTHEB, with nothing stronger than justice 
and the national conscience for supporters, completely triumphec 

possibly entertain "not wisely but too well ; " but Punch, like Par- 
liament, is an honoured guest at the guild-tables, and why should 
he, or it, turn round to rend its entertainers ? Else why has 
England the inestimable blessing of a Conservative Government ? 

PEASE seconded the amendment! Green pease, indeed, if he 
thought anything was 'to come of it ! ISAAC forbade the sacrifice. 
COTTON thrust himself in the ears of the House to bar hearing of 
such an impious demand. BOWYER shot his bolt, and hit that centre 
of JOHN BULL'S eye, on which is written " private propputy" in 
letters of gold. FORSYTE, lawyer-like, showed there was "no 
case" against the Companies, except that their dinners were too 
good, and had often disagreed with him (FORSYTE) the only dis- 
agreement that had ever darkened the sweet intercourse between 
him and those dear guilds. JENKINS wrestled with SIB A. PEEL for 
the SPEAKEB'S eye, and caught it, but alas ! catching the SPEAKER'S 
eye is not winning the House's ear ; and though E. J. discharged a 
volley of hard facts, they hurt not, only rattled. And finally the 
SOLICITOR-GENERAL laid the verdant wreath of a maiden 'speech 
upon the head of the guardian goddess of Guildhalla and proved 
that the Livery Company was the Club of its day, only on a 
grander scale, and with nobler objects mixed with its baser ele- 
ments of eating and drinking ; and amidst the cheers of a jubilant 
majority, deprecated the idea that private property was to be unset- 
tled by any impertinent rudeness of the Parliamentary inquiry kind. 

Alas, what was JAMES'S powder against such great guns! So 
JAMES got what he deserved a majority of 96 against him, in a 
division of 168 to 72. 

On the Town Councils and Local Boards Bill, BIGGAR stopped the 
way, as usual. 

Wednesday. MR. WADDY moved his Bill for Compulsory Regis- 
tration of Newspaper Proprietors, which MR. COWEN opposed, unless 
coupled with repeal of the law which makes newspaper proprietors 
criminally as well as civilly responsible for the acts of their employes. 
MB. COWEN is a newspaper proprietor and knows where the shoe 
pinches. But everybody knew where ME. WADDY meant his shoe to 
pinch and it was clear that it had pinched in that quarter, when 
the Irrepressible Doctor rose to defend those practices of the English- 
man which Englishmen condemn. He declared that he had been 
ruined by "telling the truth" (!), and that had he been a slave, a 
coward, a liar, and a man ready to justify falsehood, he would not 
have been in his present position. Now the Doctor's position in the 
House may be a painful one, but he was scarcely wise to refer to it 
so pointedly. This reference provoked ironical cheers : they provoked 
the Doctor into scornful allusion to the " mean quarter" they came 
from; that provoked ME. SUI.LIVAN into as .neat a thonging of 
the Doctor and his antecedents press and other as Irish cleverness 
ever succeeded in veiling under terms that the SPEAKER could not 
take hold of ; that provoked the Doctor, when the Division carried 
the House into the lobbies, to call MR. SULLIVAN a naughty and 
altogether unparliamentary name with no veil whatever ; and 
that brought MR. SULLIVAN back to tell MB. SPEAKEB what the 
Doctor had done ; that brought the Doctor on his legs to admit 
the naughty name ; and that compelled MR. SPEAKER after a 
moment's hesitation, as the naughty word had been used in the 
lobby and not in the House on the suggestion of MB. FORSTEE, 
seconded by ME. CBOSS, to call on the Doctor to withdraw the 
naughty name and apologise for having used it, which the Doctor 

APRIL 21, 1877.] 






As a student of Natural History and 
Esculent Economy, Mr. Punch has much 
pleasure in quoting the compendious Police 
Report annexed. The other day 

"At Bow Street, SIB JAMES INOHAH grunted 
the first summonses, seven in number, under the 
Wild Fowls Preservation Act, 39 i 40 Vi. t. 
c. 29, . 2, against three poulterer! and fish- 
mongers for buying in their potsenion wild 
ducks, plovers, &c." 

Since fishmongers turned poulterers by 
selling game and wildfowl out of season, 
they nave lost that special character for 
probity which Hamlet gives them when, in 
reply to Puloniuix disavowal of being a 
fishmonger, he rejoins, "Then I would 
yon were so honest a man." Nobody can 
consider a dealer in habitual complicity 
with poachers and the like rogues worthy 
to be picked oat as an example of honesty. 
That virtue, it is to be hoped, will be en- 
forced on fishmongers and poulterers by 
proceedings under the abovenamed statute, 
now that the Press having taken up offences 
against it, the Police are taking up the 

Disappearance of a Forger. 

THE Italian Astronomers are seeking 
most anxiously for the Planet Vulcan, said 
to have disappeared suddenly from his usual 
post in the heavens. We are very much 
afraid the old smith will be found forging 
the weapons of Mars. Inquire at KKUPP 8 or 

did. and so the matter ended leaving Stoke to be congratulated on 
such a Member, the Press on such an assertor of its liberty, and the 
House on such an illustration of the liberty in practice. 

Thunday. The Irrepressible Doctor up again, declaring, in a 
notice he gave of questions he meant to ask, that he did not regret 
having called ME. SULLIVAN by the naughty name yesterday, though 
he had been compelled to apologise for it. This is quite in the 
Doctor's manner. He was at onee called upon by the SPEAKER to 
apologise for not regretting, which he did. The Doctor seems always 
ready to apologise, and then to " go and do it again." 

And then came the Budget. And the Budget came to nothing. 
As SIR STAFFORD calculates on a margin of 226,000, between his 
estimated revenue of 79,020,000 and his estimated expenditure of 
78,794,044, he feels himself driven neither to the "inexhaustible 
bottle " nor the inexhaustible income-tax payer. That so long- 
growing boy Revenue, having ceased to grow, there is no need of 
new measures for his financial suit in 1877-78. If only his last 
year's clothes prove big enough for him ! 

Friday : The Ix)rds reassembled. Creation announced of a new 
Chancery Judge. 

(Common*.) LORD HARTIRGTON'S motion for papers in connection 
with the Protocol, brought up his lordship, SIR V. HABCOUBT, 
MR. FORSYTE, SIR C. DILXE, and MR. GOSCHKN to speak for the 
Turkish Christians, their claims on Europe, and the duty of en- 
forcing these on the Turk even by co-operation with Russia and 
coercion if need be, under the paramount obligations of duty, 
right and humanity and MR. HARDY, SIB WILLIAM FRAZER, 
STONE, and the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, to speak for the 
Turkish Government, its pluck in resisting the pressure of the 
Powers, the duty of standing aloof from Russia and coercion, and 
the paramount obligations of self-interest. The case on both sides 
was put clearly, strongly, and at length ; but of course, no motion 
came of it, and no division. MR. HARDY does not admit that the 
last word for peace has yet been spoken, though the Pans Asinorwn 
lias broken down. Nothing like hardihood. Punch can only see the 
war-cloud drawing nearer and nearer. What will the face of Europe 
be like, when it rolls away after having discharged its thunders ? 


Wt: read in the Times that the bodies of the four Latin Doctors 
not long since removed from Bristol, have been fixed, one on each 
of the pinnacles of the tower of East Herlerton Church. MAcCoLL 
to the rescue ! 



HERE is a little bit of news, which may be interesting to 
some of your Young Lady readers : 

" An Armenian wife, until she becomes a mother, never speaks to anybody 
but her husband, excepting in a whisper. She is not allowed even to convene 
with her nearest relations. Her jewellery and drees can only be shown to 
those of her own sex." 

What a comfort it is that England is not like Armenia I Who 
would ever wish to marry, if one was not allowed to speak, excepting 
in a whisper, nor to wear one's diamonds when one went out to 
dinner ? Why, half the pleasure of a bride consists in showing her 
new finery, and in talking of her trousseau ! and fancy being forced 
to do so in a whisper, as though one were ashamed of it ! To be 
sure, Armenian wives may make exception of their husbands from 
their usual mode of whispering, and just conceive, poor things, how 
they must revel in the privilege ! Oh, my goodness f how my tongue 
would go at my dear JOHNNY, if I might not raise my voice excepting 
when I talked to him ! GERALDINE GREYMABK 

(nfe BOUNCEB). 


PUNCH can quite understand the comfort of getting really god- 
fearing servants, for they are likeliest to be true to their masters 
and their duty. But he doubts if the best way to get them is to 
advertise this particular requirement in large letters, as thus, in 
these two advertisements tine one from a North of England, the 
other from a Scotch, paper : 

WANTED, a capable General WORKING WOMAN, in a small, 
quiet family in the country. A Christian at heart, a Teetotaller, and a 
Singer would be valued. Address, &c. 

ANTED, as HOUSEKEEPER, a Christian Female, Accustomed to 
Poultry. Address, &c. 


A TEETOTAL RECHRisrENiNo (for the tcorit of spirits). It is a 
misnomer to call Gin " Old Tom." It ought to DC denominated 
' ' Old Harry. " 

MOTTO FOR THE LONG FIRM. " Order is Heaven's first law." 



[ApuiL 21, 1877. 


AND the Speaker were AHMED VEFIK PASHA, then might we read 
in some night's report of the voice of our Collective Wisdom : 

"The House of 
Commons met at 
four o'clock. 

rose to call the atten- 
tion of the House to 
the condition of a 
certain unfortunate 
nobleman languish- 
ing in Dartmoor. 
He also wished to say 
a few words about 
the alleged fasting 
during Lent of DR. 

' Shut up, you ineff- 
able donkey ! ' 

"ME. B-GO-H 
(M K . WH-LL-T 
having retired) said 
that he had put on 
the paper motions 
for the reading that 
day six months of 
thirty - six Bills of 
avowed public uti- 
lity. Still, he had 
no objection to learn- 
ing from the Chair 
(for which he had the 
utmost respect) the 
opinion of the Right 
Hon. Gentleman 
upon the course he 
proposed to pursue. 

1 'The SPEAKER said 
all he had to say on 
the matter was con- 
tained in his recom- 
mendation to the last 
speaker, which he 
begged to repeat. 

B-GO-E having with- 
drawn all his Amend- 
ments) said he was 
most desirous of 
reading a rather 
voluminous series of 
extracts from a mis- 
cellaneous collection 
of Blue Books. Be- 
fore commencing his 
entertainment, how- 
ever, he was very 
desirous of learning 
opinion upon the 
matter. He might 
here say that he re- 
garded the Chair 
with feelings of the 
liveliest respect and 

"The SPEAKER said 
it was very gratify- 
ing to him to hear 
such very nattering 
sentiments, and all 
the more so as his 
only acknowledg- 
ment of them must 
be conveyed in the 
same useful dissyl- 
lable ' Donkey 1 ' 

" The SPEAKER said the statement the House had just listened to 
he was sure did equal honour to the heart and head of the Honour- 
able and Learned Gentleman who had just resumed his seat. The 
only hint of any value that he thought he could throw out was (under 
the special circum- 
stances of the case), 
1 Donkey ! ' 

then retired amidst 
much cheering. 

"Ms. H-LMS said 
t^hat for many 
months he had been 
preparing a long 
speech about Army 
Reform. He knew 
very little of the 
subject, but was pre- 
pared to occupy the 
time of the House 
fully for several 
hours. He lived, as 
a general rule, in 
Scotland, and more 
than once had de- 
clined to be present 
at the inspection of 
the Militia Regi- 
ment stationed in 
the borough he had 
the honour to re- 
present. He be- 
lieved he had been 
invited to that in- 
spection so that he 
might see with his 
own eyes that his 
absurd attacks upon 
that Constitutional 
Force were unme- 
rited. Under these 
circumstances, be- 
fore commencing his 
harangue, he would 
be very glad to listen 
to any remark the 
SPEAKER (who well 
merited his esteem) 
had to offer upon 
the occasion. 

"The SPEAKER said 
he was always ready 
to oblige any Mem- 
ber of this honour- 
able House, and 
therefore would con- 
fine himself to ob- 
serving, 'Don- 

" MR. H-LMS hav- 
ing resumed his seat, 
the real business of 
the Sitting was com- 
menced without fur- 
ther interruptions." 


Wife (reproachfully). " OH, GEORGE ! AGAIN !" 



NOT satisfied with 
making the Albert 
Memorial like an 
over-grown drink- 
ing-fountain, it is 
now proposed to 
cover it with a gi- 
gantic cucumber- 
frame, as an antes- 
thetic pendant to the 

SIR T-M-S CH-MB-S (MR. P-RN-L having retired with his Blue | Albert Hall that monument of preposterous growth, which only 
looks) said that he had several hobbies to ride. The exercise would ; empty sound, will ever fill, much to the chagrin of the shareholders, 
consume a large amount of very valuable time. Under these cir- , The Memorial is not a beautiful picture as it stands, but will hardly 
cumstances he would be glad to take a hint from the SPEAKEE a be improved by framing and glazing, 
ight Honourable Gentleman for whom he had the greatest possible 


THE PUBLIC HEALTH. None the worse for the Budget. 


, . 



APRIL 21, 1877.1 




or* by the Editor to the 
Public. Our Eques- 
trian Representative 
professes to send us 
telegrams daily by the 

private cable with which;he 1ms furnished himself. These messages are not transmitted 
to us direct, but through a friend of his, who can interpret the cipher. We do not, for 
one moment, throw a doubt on Our Representative's integrity, but we cannot forget that 
one of Our Representatives did not go to India, though he pretended to accompany 
H.R.H. the PRINCK OF WALES on his tour, and therefore as " once bitten, twice shy, we 
must make assurance doubly sure (though nothing can double or equal Our Representa- 
tive's assurance, if he is not at this moment riding to Khiva) before we offer ourselves as 
guarantees to the Public for his good faith. We publish his last letter before starting, 
which we consider as an important item in the case. 


TH K horse suited me to a T. He has been packed up, so much paid on account, 
and he is now off for Dover. Of course I shall not ride him this side of the Channel. 
My equestrian career will begin between Paris and St. Petersburg. At one time I had 
got a great mind (I always have a great mind, so that's nothing new) to ride to Khiva on 
a bicycle. But for political reasons, which you will appreciate, I have given up the idea. 
I was afraid that some confusion would arise in the Mahommedanor Russian mind between 
Bicycle and Protocol; and any complication at this moment should be, particularly, 

1 enclose the list of subscriptions for my Journey to Khiva. They look very well.': 

j. rf. 
One who Knows You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 

din' who doesn't Know you, and doesn't 'Want to .. .. .. 6 

A Friend who would see you further first 1 

A Few of the Inmates at Colney Hatch (per the Milkman\ . .. .. .. .. 3 1J 

A Constant Header, who is most anxious that you should eo to Khiva, and stop there . . 10 

A K,M! Lady .. .. ... .. .. .. ..003 

A Resident at Jericho .. .. .. .. .. Oil 

Three Stamp Collectors at Bath 4} 

(>m> who wishes you may get it .. .. .. .. .. ..1000 

A Believer . . . . . . . . . . . . , . . . . . . . . , ..020 

A Weary Admi:er 12 6 

A.8. S.' 20 

One who has mot you once, and is glad to hear of your going away for a considerable 

time. (N.B. This donation is on eondition of your being away for six months. 

It will be continued yearly, if you never return to England.) .. .. ..50 

A Job-master (who will willingly supply i. d. 

the hone for riding to Khiva, if paid 

in advance) 2 6 

One who never wants to see you again . 100 
Central Pressure Association . . . . 1 6 
A True Friend (on condition of your 

going to Khiva, and nnt writing 

anything at :ill for the next ten years) 600 

With numerous others, with or without con- 
ditions. However, on the strength of a certain 
amount down, and promises, I have started 
or, I should say. before you receive this, 1 
shall have started ; for 

I 'm off to Khiva rtrly in the morning, 
I ' m off to Khiva afore de broke o' day ! 
I '11 fill my bag with lots of little yellow boyt, 
I 'm off to Khiva afore de broke o day ! 

And so farewell for the present. You'll 
have a telegram from me in less than no time. 
Terms for telegrams will vary according to 
the length of the iin-isnge, the value of the 
communication, and the distance to be travelled 
by the electric spark. But don't be alarmed, 
yon are safe in the hands of 


Here follows the 

(On the road to Khiva.) 

Tuetday.Left St. Petersburg early. [I 
pass over my ride from Paris to St. Petersburg, 
as nothing happened of any consequence, 
was belated for one night, and ran short of 
provisions ; but you know what a good 
Legerdemainist I am well, I made an 
omelette in my hat, drank a glass of Pommard 
(this sounds like something for the hair, but it 
isn't, when properly pronounced) from the 
inexhaustible bottle (both tricks are worth a 
traveller's while to learn <nd for a soldier 
the cannon-ball in the hat is most useful, of 
course I have the whole bag of tricks with me), 
made an orange tree grow, took an orange for 
dessert, and went to sleep. Neit afternoon I 
was ready aye ready.] Rode for fifty miles. 
7.30 A.M. Came on a dead Flat. No name or 
address. Wondered who he was. Telegraphed 
to Necropolis Company to say there was- a job 
on hand, would they undertake it ? 

8.50. Very cold. Saw a Frozen Sound. 
This will give you some idea of what NEORETTI 
AND ZAMBRA might mean when they say, 
" How cold it has been to-day ! " Always 
thought (till I knew they sola barometers) 
that NEQRKTTI AND X AM BRA were clog-dancers, 
or nigger duettists, at a Music Hall, with a 
breakdown. Wonderful sight a Frozen Sound. 
Perhaps it was the last sound uttered by the 
dead Flat. I put it into my cornet- a-puton, 
and blew it to warm it " No effects," as they 
say at my bank. My Driver, who accompanies 
me on a sleigh (this isn't a musical instrument, 
so you mustn't be misled when I say he 
" accompanies me on it"), observed that " he 
thought it was an echo from the hills, which 
had lost its way, and been frozen to death." 

12 mid-day. Stopped to lunchiki, as we 
call it in this country. The Driver eats tallow 
candles, wheel grease, and drinks tricktki a 
Russian spirit distilled from candle-ends. A 
Russian never takes a bath, he always goes in 
for a dip. 

2. Between Drjnkomaviski and Bakkakhan. 
Lost our way, and dined with a fanner. He 
aid he thought there wouldn't be any war. 
At least he hadn't heard anything about it. 
After dinner, I slept in a pigstye. and resumed 
my journey at 4 A.M. Took with me a little 
pig. Poor little chap, he squealed very much, 
antt nearly woke the farmer, who would have 
been grieved to part with him. So I put a 

fagin its mouth, and thus avoided what might 
ave been a painful scene. Removed gag when 
at a distance of two miles from the farm. I 



[AfRiL 21, 1877. 


Lady (who has been dabbling in American beef, but does iwt dare say so). " EE NO ER 

KNOW ! " 



IN a column of news the following remark 
is made in the Morning Post respecting an 
oddly named liquor described as "this in- 
defectible wine : 

"LORD BOLINOHROKE (we think) maintained 
ridicule was the test of truth : the Specialite 
Sherry has passed this test most amply, for it 
has had no small share of ridicule ; but, in spite 
of all, it holds its own." 

But non constat that because ridicule is 
the test of truth, it is also the test of wine. 
Nobody dreams of ridiculing true port or 
sherry, although one hundred and twenty- 
six gallons of them, we know, make a butt. 

Suppression by Hose and Jet. 

THE House of Commons laughed con- 
sumedly when ever-vigilant PETER TAYLOR 
described the very original way of the 
Holborn Vestry of bringing the law to bear 
on the Sunday traders in Leather Lane, 
viz., by drenching their goods with car- 
bolic acid from a water-cart. The Vestry 
must have borrowed the notion from re- 
corded cases of mobs dispersed by fire- 
engines. The Vestry deserves the credit 
of having discovered a short, sharp, and 
decisive process for abating what is, no 
doubt, to all respectable Holborners, a very 
serious nuisance ; though, perhaps, small 
Sunday buyers, as well as Sunday sellers, 
may have something to say on the matter. 
But is the Vestry quite sure that the pale 
of the Law will hold carbolic acid ? 

Travellers See Strange Things. 

" IT would," says a commercial journal, 
with less elegance than perspicacity, " be 
curious to follow one pound of China or 
Italian silk through its various processes 
till it reaches a silk dress." No doubt ; 
but would it not be still more curious to 
follow (at a perfectly safe distance) one 
feminine mind through ditto to ditto ? 

THE DEGBEE OF BUNG. Licentiate of 
the Bench of Beaks. 

shall educate this pig : as he has commenced by having a " gag " 
in his mouth, perhaps I had better bring him up for the stage. Put 
my horse tandem-fashion in the sleigh, so as to allow myself more 
leisure for teaching the pig. 

11 A.M. Pig already beginning to master his letters. I fancy some 
one has given him his rudiments before. There is a twinkle in his 
eye that I don't half like. One thing is comparatively reassuring, 
he does not show much aptitude for cards. 

Friday. Came to a sign-post. Examined it. Found I had been 
for two days riding towards Persia. Worked my compass and took 
a turn to the right. After lunchski, had half a game at Beggar 
my Neighbour with the Pig, and rode on. Pig improving, but still 
stupid. He will cry whenever he sees the Ace of Spades, and I can't 
make out why. The sleigh-driver doesn't know. 

6 P.M. Cold and raw. So cold and so raw that I shall be very 
glad when it 's hot and quite done. Arrived at a shebeenski rejoicing 
in the sign of The Rose Bud. Called for some of their best, and 
" nipped " it in the Bud. Gave Piggy a drop of strong toickski. 
It made his tail curl. Piggy vain of the effect, but evidently much 
pleased, and wanted to play me at ecarte. Refused. But what I 
will do is to teach Piggy All Fours. If he learns it, I can make a 
fortune, as no one knows the game out here. Sat up all night 
hard at work with Piggy. Driver asleep. 

Next Day. Met a Tartar Gentleman on the road. He asked us to 
share his dinner with him potski-luckski. as they call it here. 
We accepted ; my sleigh-driver, myself, and the pig. The Tartar 
Gentleman got the worst of it at dinner, as we were three to one. 
After dinner played him at All Fours. The Tartar Gentleman won 
the first game, but we played three more. Cleared him out of his 
roubles, and rode on quickly in the direction of Khiva. 

The Tartar Gentleman subsequently rode away to the nearest 
Police Station. In consequence of this, we had a difficulty later on 
at a Russian Stashunhouski, but fortunately made friends with the 
Inspektorski, who was much amused with the Pig's tricks, also with 
my omelette in the hat, inexhaustible bottle, and little Joey in the 
bag. I gave him an invitation to call on me whenever he might be 
coming to town, and then rode on, Iriskli, as we say in Russia, in 
the direction of Khiva. Rub a Russian the right way, and you 
won't catch a Tartar. Expect next telegram in a couple of days, as 
snow-storms have set in, and there 's a talk of Wolves coming down 
and attacking Travellers. Now for real excitement ! 

I don't wish to throw any discredit on a gallant officer, but no 
one knows CAPTAIN BTJENABY on the road that I am riding to 
Khiva. Odd. Just heard a Wolf in the distance. If one comes 
too near, I shall mention MB. GLADSTONE'S name to him, and see if 
that will frighten him. No signs of one at present. Great cry, but 
very little Wolf. 

more than eighteenpence an hour. 


AMONGST the distinguished Clergymen who have lately come for- 
ward to take part in the current clerical disputes, is one whose 
name may suggest a consolatory reflection, the REV. DE. IRONS 
What a comfort to think that, for all the burning questions now 11 
debate amongst ecclesiastics, the Church has not more than one of 
its irons in the fire. 

APRIL 21, 1877.] 





Unlicensed Hawker. " J,OR' BLESS YKR, Sml YBR DON'T WANT NO 'Am ON 


THK following impudent advertisement appeared the other day in a widely- 
circulated Western paper : 

A Comfortable HOME OFFERED, in a Clergyman's family, iu South Devon, to a 
Lady willing to pay 40 a year and devote some time daily to instruction (good 
French and German). Address, &c. 

The young Lady who wrote to the address given with this wonderfully cool 
offer received the following reply, which Punch thinks worth giving verbatim : 

" MADAM, MR. has commissioned me to reply to your letter received this morn- 
ing. MR. is a widower ; I have managed his household since his wife's death, for the 

last six years. Besides Mu. and myself, the family consists of two young ladies, aged 

sixteen and eighteen, and two little boys, eight and eleven respectively ; the younger ol 
these you would be required to teach, as he is backward. I think one hour a day would be 
sufficient for him at first. Could you teach the rudiments of Latin ? as he would ultimately 
require it. Good French and German is necessary for the young ladies. They are pre- 
paring for the Cambridge Local, and attend classes under a Master for the other branches, 
Musir included ; at the same time they would much value any assistance you could give 
them in their English studies, by way of explanation, in Grammar and Arithmetic, for 
instance. They have no time iit present for Drawing, but might be glad of it afterwards. 
May I ask if you Sing ? I can most decidedly promise you a comfortable and happy 
home. We are a few minutes' walk from the sea, and the Plymouth Hoe is a pleasant 
promenade. The Devonshire scenery is very good. The young ladies, I think, would be 
able to take in French and German about three times a week, about two hours each day, 
as their time at present is very much taken up ; however, this, if you come to us, you 
could talk over with them. Would you mind sharing a large and airy bed-room with 
them, if necessary ? as I hardly know yet whether I should be able to ofler you a separate 
one. You would find them pleasant and ladylike girls. We have one or two local 
associations in the town, if you like joining the classes. I think I have now mentioned 
all particulars, and shall be pleased to hear from you as soon as possible. Believe me, &c." 

The young Lady replied, expressing her regret that she could not avail 
herself of these proffered advantages. 

" The truth is " (she added) " I have accepted an engagement at a salary of .100 a year, 
where my duties will be scarcely heavier than with you, and where I shall have a large 

and airy room for my own separate use. I truit this delay will 
cause you no inconvenience in dealing with the many applica- 
tion* you have doubtless received, and hope you may soon meet 
with a lady, knowing tour languages thoroughly, who, in return 
for her meals and the third part of a bed-room, will be glad to 
pay you 10 a year, and devote her time and acquirement* to 
your si-rvice." 


BLOSSOMS on blackthorn bush are white ; 

On whitethorn opening leaves are green. 
There 's dandelion blazing bright ; 

There 'a shiny lesser celandine. 

And Ihere in yonder lane those three 
Where nigh the bank cow-parsley grows 

'Mid nttlles did you ever see 
Three more unlovely Cads than those '( 

Ill-favoured, unwashed, grimy knaves! 

What is it that the fellows do 
With nets and cages, traps and staves ''. 

And on a Sunday morning too ! 

Bird-catchers they, their cruel trade 
Who reckless e'en in close-time ply, 

And the Act 'gainst such caitiffs made 
In favour of poor birds, defy. 

An Act by hands unskilful framed, 
In phrase derisive styled " Tom-tit's." 

In which the Chaffinch ne'er is named, 
And which the Linnet too omits. 

And so their traps yon wretches lay, 
And spread their toils from hindrance free. 

" We 're oatchin' Chaffinches," they say ; 
Or, " Only arter Linnets we." 

., pray, 

1 What songsters lse are those, then 

Which you in several cages bear V ' 

"Oh, them, they're call-birds, all o' they ; 

We ain't cotch none o' them birds there." 

" Say is there green in Punch's eye, 
That with such chaff he should be ' had ' 'f 

Sirrah, thou liest shamefully : 
Thou dirty, graceless, vulgar Cad ! 

" For Goldfinch, Greenfinch, Mavis, Mirle, 
And warblers all. thy snares are set. 

For scoundrels fresh from early purl, 
All's bird, that comes within the ntt. 

" Where 's the Police ? might be our cry, 
To collar thee and all thy crew. 

Too oft they 've other fish to fry 
Offenders even worse than you. 

" But when they can. your little game 
They are the gamekeepers to end. 

For whom more fitting can we name 
Than Bobby, to be Dicky's friend Y'' 

"Come, mild Persuasion!" 

IN consequence of the report of the Committee on 
Railway Accidents, the Government so says MR. An- 
CEKLEY is going to confer with the Railway Companies, 
to see what steps in the way of protecting the live* of 
their servants and passengers they are willing to take, 
voluntarily not upon compulsion, mind. The Govern- 
ment hates compulsion " like an unfilled can." Like 6Vr 
John Falstaff"\i reasons were as plentiful as black- 
berries, they would not give one upon compulsion." 
Their rule is, in fact, the reign of may, not must. After 
refusing to coerce Tnrks, with what consistency could 
they coerce Railway Companies ? 


IT was said that PRIXCE BISMARCK had taken leave of 
Power. It turns out that he has only token leave of 



[APRIL 21, 1877. 


LAST number of " Fors Cla- 
rigera " is curious as well as 
interesting, on account of 
the details there given of 
the author's budget. ME. 
RUSKLN, in his own words, 
has "unveiled the statue of 
his economy," and ? though 
no one who reads will accuse 
him of ostentation, it would 
be difficult to say exactly 
what it is that has prompted 
imitators of the great art- 
critic's out - spokenness to 
besiege Mr. Punch's letter- 
box. Among the letters called 
into existence by the example 
of this high aesthetic autho- 
rity the following may be 
cited : 

To Mr. Punch, Fleet Street. 
SIB, April 1. 

You will be glad to 
hear that, on the death of 
my father, who was a cele- 
brated Liverpool miser, I 
inherited a sum producing 
something like 70,000 per 

annum, which placed me above absolute want. My first financial 
investment was the purchase of a lovely wife of good family. By this 
transaction I realised considerably, as I introduced some excellent 
mortgages to my wife's relations, and disposed of much shaky pro- 
perty to an immense advantage. I thought it rather hard on my own 
family that my father should have left them nothing, and volun- 
teered to invest their small fortunes in some excellent Companies of 
which I am paid Director. I relieved my conscience at the same 
time by purchasing for my wife a splendid suite of diamonds, left in 
pawn by a well-known Duchess. I have since assisted a young relation 
to a permanent situation in Portland Island, and am serenely happy 
in the certainty, so far as anything human is certain, that I shall 
die as far from poverty as possible. My annual subscriptions to 
various Charities, which advertise once a week the names of their 
subscribers in large letters and prominent columns of the public 
journals, amount to sixty guineas in sums of one guinea, and, in 
some cases, two guineas, from 

Yours faithfully, 
Skinflint House, Cheshire. THEOPHTLTTS SCBEWDBIVER. 

To Punch, Esq. 


" Ascifio sonpittore." I'm an artist, and generally con- 
sidered a man of taste. I came in, a few years ago, to a fortune of 
30,000, which I inherited from an uncle who was good enough to 
make room for me by joining his ancestors. My first extravagance 
was the purchase of a grand collection of spurious Majolica, imita- 
tion bronzes, and counterfeit china, for which I gave the modest 
sum of 2000. This necessitated naturally the lease of a set of 
apartments in the Albany, where I flatter myself the dinners I give 
from week to week are already celebrated among the best bon- 
vivants in London. 

After studying Art and the Museums, my oBsthetic tastes would 
not permit a man of culture to retain the mass of falsehood on my 
walls with which I had been satisfied at starting. When I trans- 
ferred my interest in these I lost about 1995 upon the transaction. 

However, by the judicious expenditure of 18,000, I soon became 
the happy possessor of some of the best examples of the arts of 
CELLINI, PALISSY, BUHL, and others, besides hanging on my walls 
several gems of MEISSONIEB, GEBOME, &c., &c. I am now in the 
hands of several intelligent members of the Lost Tribes ; and I am 
persuaded that when I have sold my lease, collections, and plate, I 
shall not be in a position if I satisfy my Israelitish friends to 
leave even hay for life to my Cousin's pet donkey, the only creature 
with whom I have any personal sympathy. 

I beg to remain, yours, poorer than ever, 



Tnr, Stipendiary Magistrate at Sheffield has inflicted penalties for 
performance of an unlicensed drama, on the subject of Joseph and 
his brethren ; " holding, with the LOBD CHAMBERLAIN, that the 
Stage is " not for JOSEPH "or any such subject. 


(Mas. GINGHAM communicates her Opinions on Plain Cooking, and 
the pertness of certain Newspaper Parties.) 

" The real difficulty about cooking is that it is in the hands of woman, and 
that woman is too ethereal a creature to interest herself in the matter. She 
is rather like Calypso, who partook of nectar and ambrosia, while she saw 
that her mortal guest had pork, almost always pork, and Pramnian wine. 
Woman, for her part, could live on tea and bread-and-butter for ever, with 
an occasional egg once or twice a week. These things are her nectar and 
ambrosia, and as long as man has his barbaric joint she thinks that all is 
well. The English joint is the bane of domestic life. . . . ' Plain cooking,' 
says a doctor, ' is an abomination ; avoid it as you would poison. If you are 
tired of life, I can find other means of ridding you of it. Plain cooking,' this 
outspoken physician goes on, ' brings more grist to our mill than miasmas, 
drains, or either extreme of temperature.' " Daily News. 

MBS. CALYPSO I don't know. (Ton says she 's not a Missis, 
But a Greek nymph as doted on a party called Ulysses.) 
But what I 've got to say is this, this chaffy sort of mocking 
At Woman's works and Woman's ways is getting simply shocking. 

Housewife or nymph, Calypso found, there 's not the slightest 


That men are a contrairy lot. But as for that suggestion, 
That Woman's too " ethereal "which what's that? to care for 

That 's all the writer's artful spite, as sure as I 'm a sinner. 

They 're always downing on us thus, a hinting round and sneering ; 
Better abuse than this 'ere sly and niminy-piminy jeering. 
If " nectar " and " ambrosia " 's Greek for " tea " and " bread-and- 
The feller's words is right-down fudge a falsehood base and utter. 

Women ain't butterflies, no fear, nor likeways gals ain't chickings, 
Though some of them in public play at bird-like sips and pickings. 
But when they on the quiet feed, d'ye think they pick and sip so ? 
No, not a bit of it : no more, I 'll warrant, did Calypso. 

Barbaric joints, the bane of life ? I do declare it 's awful ! 

Such revolutionary rant should be, if 'tain't, unlawful. 

Which our Constitution and our joints are England's greatest glories ; 

Leastways, so Tories used to say ; and I say so with the Tories. 

That fellow must be kickshaw-mad, a nasty French-fed glutton, 
Who feels no respect for sirloin and is rude to leg o' mutton. 
Which they 're English institutions to be kept in all their purity ; 
Or, as TOM says that lad 's so smart our national joint-security. 

Plain Cooking ? It 's a precious boon our land alone possesses. 
Don't tell me of your German mucks nor yet of your French messes. 
This fad for foreign feeding 's rot ; the Swells may patronise it, 
But no, not me, nor yet my sort we utterly despise it. 

I don't ask JOHN to " live on pork and Pramnian wine for ever." 
(Which I wonder what that wine may be P Must ask young TOM 

he 's clever.) 

But if an English joint 's his bane, plain cooked as I can cook it, 
He 'd better hire a Parleyvoo, and as for me I '11 hook it ! 

Paradise for Paupers. 

Ma. BUMBLE was thrown into a violent fit of indignation by the 
following paragraph, which he encountered in a newspaper : 

:l FEMALE GUABDIANS. On Saturday Miss MAUD STANLEY, cousin of 
DEAN STANLEY, was elected a guardian of St. Anne's, Soho." 

The election of Ladies to the office of Guardian is regarded by 
MR. BUMBLE as a most unporochial innowation. He is highly scan- 
dalised to see that it is an increasing 'abit, and thinks the rate- 
payers might just as well put them wicious paupers under the wings 
)f guardian hangels at once ; which would be making the work- 
house the wery rewerse of the place as it was intended for. 


OUR excellent and enthusiastic friend, PBOFESSOR BLACKIE, is 
much annoyed at the bad taste of his countrymen in encouraging 
Classical Concerts into which no Scotch music is admitted. It is 
reported that -he has written to RICHABD WAGNEB, urging that 
reat musical reformer to add to his orchestra the Bagpipe and the 
Scotch Fiddle. 

A COUNTEB IRRITANT. A Shopman who will insist on knowing if 
you want any other article to-day. 

APRIL 28, 1877.] 




Irish Car-J>river. " SHUBE THAT'S THE CusTOM-Houss, Son; BUT IT'S ONLY THI 


A VERY vulgar and silly book, purporting to be a novel of high life, has been 
published by a person signing himself by a ducal title with a foreign ring 
unknown to the Almanack de Got ha. In this offensive work real persons are 
introduced under the thinnest disguises. Anyone who knows anything about 
English society will throw the book down in utter disgust at its prurient, 
ignorant, and offensive caricature. However, as certain scandal-lovers of the 
lower middle class may be enticed to buy the book with a notion of finding in 
it what they may, in their innocence, believe to be a true picture of the Upper 
Ten, Punch begs to furnish a sample of the sort of thing that they may expect 
to get for their money : 


IT was ten o'clock in the supper-room at BLACK'S Club in St. James's Street. 
The waiters were moving about amongst the members, on the look-out for tips. 
BLACK'S is the most fashionable Club in London, and many are the twopences 
that find their way into the hands of the pampered menials (masses of gold, 
velvet, and hair powder) who wait upon the patricians of the Metropolis. 

At one of the tables (that, like the rest, was groaning under the weight oj 
artificial flowers and costly plate) sat three "men" eating their supper. All 
day long these " men " (as even their Graces Lord Dukes are sometimes called 
in Maylair) had been drinking champagne and eating pates de foies gras. The 
first was a foreigner. He was called PRINCE VON DISMARCK, and had been 
Prime Minister to His Imperial Majesty the Eiii'EKOR OF GHERMANY. The next 
was MB. SADSTONE, an ex-Cabinet Minister. The last was the Right Honour- 
able the EARL or DEACONSFLELD a new creation, and therefore not of great 
account in May fair. 

" Where shall we go ? " said MR. SADSTONE. " Prince, my Lord, what do you 

I prefer the Cambridge Music Hall in Shoreditch," replied his Lordship, 
filling bis tankard with a fresh supply of " dry creaming." " I am blasf with 
West-End pleasures. Let us go ' east of Temple Bar.' " 

And with a joyous laugh the three "men" left BLACK'S, and throwing 
themselves on to the top 01 a private coaoh-and-four, rattled down St. James's 
Street en route for the City. 

In. the meanwhile LORD BaoHTTON was still talking in the bay window to 
his brother, the MARQUIS OF ISLINGTON. 

"The DUCHESS OF DITCHWATER'S toirie. my Lord," 
said the elder patrician to his young relative, " was 
certainly dull. I give you my word that I couldn't get 
anything more substantial than a penny sandwich at 
gupper. They had no ' fizz," and the sherry had been 

" My Lord Marquis, you are right," replied the young 
aristocrat, with a bow. " It is very strange that in good 
society you oan't get such luxuries of the season as those 
supplied by the lowest cad giving a Bayswater hop. '. 
always bribe the Greengrocer when I visit her Grace, till 
be brings me some cold fowl." 

At this sally several young aristocrats laughed heartily 
their experience had been the same. 

LORD LAWN (who had married Royalty) was greatly 
amused, and repeated the story afterwards to his con- 
nection the handsome PRINCE OF TICK. 

" Well, you titled chaps," cried the Marquis, " are 
you game for any fun '( " 

LORD BROMPTON bit his lip. His brother approached 
him hurriedly. 

" My Lord," he whispered, "at last by your emotion I 
have divined your secret. Last night at the DUCHESS OF 
MANCHESTER'S danoe I saw you footing a schottische with 
the LADY BLANCHE TEMPLBBARS, much to the disgust 

BOKoroH. Tell me, my Lord, do you love the gal '( " 

" I do, my Lord Marquis," replied the younger noble- 
man, firmly, " but I know it is of no use. I am a younger 
son, and shall never be able to afford the bundle of five 
pound notes which LADY BLANCHE (were she my wife) 
would use for making her cigarettes. What is blue 
blood without s. d. ? I have been born under the 
shadow of a coronet, and I have scarcely enough money 
to buy champagne for breakfast. I wish I had been born 
a snob, on my soul I do ! " 

" Stuff and nonsense, my Lord," said the Marquis. 
" And now which of you titled chaps are game for the 

There was a shout of laughter, and the young aristo- 
crats, leaving BLACK'S, threw themselves into Victorias 
(each harnessed to three horses arranged tandem- wise), 
and drove to Kremorne. 

Within five minutes all the young Lords were talking 
and chaffing with pleasant companions. 

LORD BKOMPTON soon forgot his love in shooting for 
nuts, and, when the time for the fireworks had arrived, 
was quite heart whole. 

He was on the eve of following the crowd to a distant 
part of the gardens, when the Marquis arrived, bringing 
with him a friend, clothed in rather gorgeous garments. 

"My Lord!" cried the Marquis, "let me introduce 
MR. SNOOKS to you. SNOOKS, this is my brother ! " 

The Gentlemen and the Nobleman bowed to one another. 

" I am trying to persuade him to come home with us," 
continued the Marquis, " as I want. to introduce him to 
our brother and the Marchioness, and their Ladyships, 

" Who is he, my Lord ? " whispered LORD BROUFTON. 

"The Lion Comique," replied the Marquis. "I tell 
yon what, my Lord, he is no end of a stunning cove 1 " 

And then the two Noblemen and the Comic Singer 
returned together to Grosvenor Square. 


France. " A neutral tint is the present Paris fashion, 
my dear friends." 

Greece. " Ready, aye ready." 

Germany." All >s well that ends well." 

Persia." Your money or your life." 

Russia. " So very sorry." 

Turkey." Kismet !" 

England." Are yon quite sure you would not like 
another Congress, or a few more pamphlets, or a debate 
or two, or a brand new Protocol, or anything else in the 
waste-paper line ? " 

The Rest of the Civilised World." Curse you, my 
children ! " 


BLOOD RELATIONS. The news of the next few 




[APRIL 28, 1877. 


ND has it come to this! So completely has the Asses' Bridge broken down, that it 
cannot even support a night's talk in the Lords. On Monday, April 16, LORD 
GRANVILLE was booked to call attention to the Protocol, but, as in the case of 
Glendower's call of spirits from the vasty deep, Punch must ask, like Hotspur, 
" will it come ? " It would seem not ; for the audience of the Upper House, 
not the densest Punch begs pardon, not the most crowded as a rule, hardly 
rose beyond the average to hear what LORD GRANVILIE had to say against, and 
LORD DERBY for the extinguisher that has taken or is taking fire. 

De mortuis nil nisi bonum is a rule for Lords as for Commons. The Pro- 
tocol is dead. As nothing good can be said of the deceased diplomatic abortion, 
the only alternative is to say nothing. LORD DERBY said nothing, at consi- 
derable length. The MARQUIS or LANSDOWNE and the EARL or DUDLEY said their dittos to LOBD GRANVILLE. The Protocol haying 
received its fitting " finis " from four flat speeches, the conversation collapsed ; and the Protocol, with its declarations, passes away into 
the large limbo of Diplomatic Fizzles. 

(Commons.) ME. BOURKE has received a partial return of arrests, sentences, and executions of sentences on account of the Bulgarian 
uprising, and is ready to table them whenever MR. GLADSTONE will move. A partial return, no doubt, it must be, omitting, as it does, 
the name of every Moslem of rank or note who took the lead in the atrocities. While ACHMET, SHEFKET, and TOOSOON, so far from 
being punished for their share in the Bulgarian horrors, have been promoted, MR. BOUBKE may as well put the Turkish returns in his 
pipe, and smoke them, as lay them on the table of the House. Vestigia nulla retrorsum (" I make no returns ") might be the 
Turks' motto for massacres and massacred alike. " "Why should I, when I neither retrace my steps nor punish my offenders ? " 

The Pera Correspondent of the Times, the other day, reported the bastinadoing to death of one NASIM, a student in the military school 
at Constantinople, who had ventured to draw up a memorial demanding the recall of MIDHAT. MUSTTRUS PASHA has categorically 
denied the fact. That is MUSURUS PASHA'S business. MR. JOCELYN now repeats the denial, and so does the Telegraph Correspondent. 
The last declares he has seen and identified NASIM. That is evidence or would be if the identification is clear. 

Let us hope the story is not true, and that its falsehood is disprovable by something more trustworthy than Turkish official denials. 
A lively debate on the Mutiny Bills, Army and Navy, with lots of amendments moved. This is a novelty. PARNELL, POWER, and 
SULLIVAN, to say nothing of PETER TAYLOR, all busy in moving reductions of punishment, from solitary confinement to the Cat 
upwards. MR. PABNELL was rude enough to ask MR. WARD HUNT how he would like, if he unfortunately fell asleep on his post, to incur 
the punishment of penal servitude, death, or imprisonment with hard labour. Really, that is rather too personal, MR. PARNELL. 
Besides, you forget the First Lord's excuse if he should fall asleep on the Treasury Bench (which we presume is his Parliamentary 

APRIL 28, 1877.] 




Herr Maestro (who has been indulging the Company with two Masses, three Symphonies, a dozen Impromptus, and a few other little things 


Miss Angelica (with diffidence, pulling off her gloves). " H'M I H'ic 1 I 'ic AFRAID I 'M A LITTLK HOARSB TO-DAY ; BUT IF " 


BLAT IT FOR yon ? YKS ? " [Proceeds to do so. 

post), that he has been obliged to listen to a PARNELL and a BIQGAR. 
If the Soldier, the Sailor, and the Marine have to dread the Cat, 
has not the House its Irish Obstructives, with their more than nine 
tails of blue-books, and their knotted and leaded yarns? ME. WAKD- 
HUNT succeeded in petting the Cat into the Mutiny Act. Hence- 
forth the Statute will specify that the Cat is to be of a pattern 
approved by the Admiralty. Fancy my Lords at their Cat Inspection 
to approve the Admiralty pattern ! We recommend a Naval Cat 
Show as a succursale to the feline display at the Crystal Palace 
with a Naval Lord in attendance, to explain the points of the 
Cat approved of by the Admiralty ! 

Tuesday. As dull as ditch-water in Parliament, in both Lords 
and Commons. My Lords were on Legal Education. The Inns of 
Court don't like my LORD SELBORNE'S Bill. Legal Education is the 
Benchers' business, not my LORD SELBORNE'S. Who is he, that he 
should set up'to overhaul the Benchers, and educate the Bar P LORD 
CAIRNS is the Benchers' organ, and grinds their favourite tune 
of Auld Lanq Syne. The pious PALMER will not reach Ms legal 
Holy Land thin pilgrimage. 

(Commons.) MR. KNATCHBULL-HuGESSEN could move the abolition 
of the Railway Passenger Duty, but could not move the CHANCELLOR 
OF THE EXCHEQUER to give up the 600,000 it produces, nor the non- 
Directorial element of the House to see any sufficient reason why he 
should. Though potent, the Railway Directors do not yet direct 
the House of Commons. MR. K.-H., as the clever author of some 
capital fairy tales, should publish one with a transformation 
beyond all the wonders of fairy-land, and as yet adventured in 
no published volume of fairy tales or Christmas transformation-scene 
the transformation 'of Railway Passengers' duties into the duties 
of Railway Directors'. And if, after setting forth the latter, he 
could get the Directors to do it ! As for the 600,000, there is a pre- 
vailing impression that if the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER were 
to give it up, it would be to find its way not into passenger pockets, 
but shareholders'. The passengers prefer, for the present, to take 

out their share in the shape of duty. When they find Directors 
showing an amiable concern for passengers in other matters, they 
will be ready, perhaps, to give them credit for paternal anxiety to 
save their pockets in the matter of the Railway Duty. 

EARL PERCY moved the rejection of the Motion, and the CHAN- 
CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER declined to give up the money. So 
MR. KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN withdrew his Motion, and the Earl his 

But thejfun to-night was out of the House in the great Donkey 
Demonstration, which Punch has immortalised in another part of 
his columns. It was a touching sight to see WHALLEY conducting 
I >K MORGAN and the Rump of the heroic ten who managed to reach 
the Lobby, to the Tea- Room, and there treating them to the " cup 
that cheers but not inebriates." Such was the worst rioting that 
came of the great Tichborne Demonstration. As Tea to Old Tom, so 

As for DE MORGAN " who leads great asses should himself be 
ass." And he seems perfectly to possess the qualification. 

There teas a DE MORGAN mighty in mathematics and pitiless 
prostrator of paradoxes. We can imagine tie Q.E.D. he would 
nave arrived at over his namesake. A good deal like Punch's, 

With WHALLEY and KENEALY in the House, and DB MORGAN out 
of it, the Unfortunate Nobleman in Dartmoor is even more unfor- 
tunate than his worst friends have painted him. 

Wednesday. When the foreign steamer Franconia smashed the 
Strathclyde, within two miles of Dover, no law could be enforced 
against the foreign offenders, the Court of Appeal holding, by seven 
men to six, that our Courts had no jurisdiction. 

MR. GORST now seeks to stretch the grasp of the law over foreigners 
within a. three-mile range of the coast. Something will have to 
be done ; but it was agreed, after a legal talk SIR G. BOWYER, 
STAVELY HILL, WHEELHOUSE, and FORSTTH against the Bill, and 
STR W. HARCOURT and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL not exactly for it, but 



[APRIL 28, 1877. 

discriminando that .the Government should do it. 80 GORST made 
way for CROSS in due time. 

MB. ANDERSON wants to assimilate the law of Scotland as to 
Married Women's Property to the law of England. A.nd what for 
no 't Unless it be, that your canny wedded Soot's grip of the siller 
his wife's as well as his ain is too strong to be loosened even by 
law, if he can help it. 

MONTGOMERIE against, McL AREN and ME. Ewnro for the Bill. SIB 
G. CAMPBELL pathetic on the horror of converting wedlock into 
"chumming." and degrading the Scottish marriage tie to the Ma- 
hometan. This a new view of Moslem marriage. Punch had always 
thought the objection to that was from the point of polygamy, not 
property. But what SIR GEORGE objects to is not that the Turkish law 
allows too many wives, but that it makes all the wives independent in 
money matters. In fact, it would seem, according to SIR GEORGE, 
that the most Terrible Turk, in wedded life, is the one in petticoats. 
Thence, perhaps, the usage, among the Turkish ladies of wearing 
trousers however baggy, still unmistakeably of the unmentionable 

The Bill was read a Second Time, but with a distinct intimation 
from the Lord Advocate, that Scottish women should not have an 
inch more right over their own than English. 

Thursday (Lords). LORD ENFIELD called attention, not before it 
is wanted, to the unsanitary condition of the Public Offices, old 
and new the newest, to the shame of somebody suppose we say 
BRITANNIA ? about the worst. Is it irony of the powers that watch 
over official undertakings, that the basement of the Office, which 
keeps such central eye and hand as are kept over the drainage of 
town and country, has been fairly flooded with liquid sewage, like the 
lover, of HORACE' s Pyrrha, " Liquidis perfusus odoribus, though 
not exactly, " Grata sub antro," but in a stinking cellar. Or is it 
the Board s offences of omission in sewerage matters that are being 
Drought home to its own doors, in the form of liquid sewage ? 

LORD BEACONSFIELD promises a speedy cleansing of the Augean 
stables of Whitehall and. Pall Mall by that rather shaky Hercules, 
the Board of Works. 

LORD STRATHBDEN AND CAMPBELL showed at once his simple- 
mindedness and oddity by another last word for the Treaty of 
Paris, 1856. Let this be written on his Lordship's tombstone may 
it be long before it is erected! "He believed to the last in the 
Treaty of Paris, 1856." 

LORD ROSEBERY did show how we might be put in an awkward 
fix under the Tripartite Treaty of the same year, if either Austria 
or France appealed to its obligations. But, as LORD DERBY took 
comfort in pointing out to the House, they haven't, and are not likely 
to. So the Tripartite may go, with its predecessor, " Where de old 
Treaties go." 

His Lordship should issue a new treatise. " On Treaties and their 
Obligations," Punch offers him some mottoes : 

' De non existentibus et non apparentibus, eadem est ratio." 

' A Treaty that the signataries don't insist on is no Treaty." 

' Circumstances alter cases." 

' Sufficient for the time being is the Treaty thereof." 

' No bother, no bond." 

(Commons). Much miscellaneous talk, including a conversation 
on a department with the objectionable name of the Petty Bag Office. 
Punch is sorry to learn that petty-bagging has rather increased than 
diminished under the Judicature Act, BO that MR. W. H. SMITH 
finds it impossible to abolish the office that works the petty bag 
business. Punch had flattered himself all these official petty-bag- 
gings had been done away with. 

On report of the Mutiny Act, repetitions of the lively debates 
and divisions on Second Reading by PAHNELL, BIGGAR, POWER, and 
their followers of the Irish Obstructive Brigade. They are evidently 
going in to curry favour with the Forces, as the "poor" soldiers' 
and sailors' friends. GENERAL SHUTE said the one thing worth re- 
cording in the night's talk that " want of discipline was the failing 
of the age. There was a want of discipline in the Church, and at 
the' Bar. He might even say he believed there was a want of dis- 
cipline in that House." I believe you, Mon General! 

Another talk on the incidence of Imperial Taxation. ' MR. GOSCHEN 
doubted the Budget calculations, the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHE- 
QUER stands by them. He pointed out that if new taxation had been 
needed, there is always, the Income-Tax. .And the Inexhaustible 
Bottle, SIR STAFFORD. As SIR WILFRID might say, " Don't pass 
the Bottle." 

Friday (Lords). LORD CAMPEHDOWN raised the ugly" question 
why, after CAPTAIN HOBABT, R.N., was dismissed, our Service 
in 1868 for accepting service with the Turk without leave of the 
Admiralty, HOBART PASHA wag in 1874 restored to our Service, 
whence he is now drawing 400 a year half-pay. LORD DERBY 
could only admit the fact, with a feeble attempt at explanation, 
which explained nothing. 

We are still at peace with Turkey and! Russia. But they may 
any day be at war with each other. Would not Russia have some- 

ting to say, and with reason, to an English Rear-Admiral com- 
nanding the Turkish Iron-clads ? A question to be asked, and not 
be answered except in one way by striking CAPTAIN HOBART off 
;he Navy List (on which, with all his unwillingness to hit a British 
sailor. Punch must say the Captain ought never to have been re- 
alaced while he wore Turkish uniform) from the date of the 
declaration of war between Russ and Turk. 

(Commons.) The House thrilled to-night with a common pulse, 
as the country thrilled next morning, at the news of the rescue of 
the five Welsh miners from their ten days' living burial in the 
Troedyrhiw mine. God bless the brave fellows who risked their 
lives to rescue their brethren ! It is something to have set thirty- 
two million hearts beating to one tune. It is something to be one 
of these thirty-two million hearts, and to feel one's heart beat the 
throbbing link between oneself and thirty-one millions nine hundred 
and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine. 

And then, to take down its excitement, the House went in, as 
if it really meant it, on MR. HAN BURY TRACY'S waggish suggestion 
of an official staff of Reporters, to give verbatim reports of the 
Parliamentary talk ! Talk of BIGGAH and PARNELL ! Had he been 
serious ? Think of the House weekly or monthly confronted with 
ts own verbiage ! " Litera scripta manet," too. " The evil that 
men do, lives after them ;" for that we have SHAKSPEARE'S warrant. 
But that the rot they talk should live after them as well! Deut 
avertat .' 

The House dabbled with the appalling idea, as seeming-reckless 
men might play with a loaded shell, knowing the rogues all the 
time there wasn't a light within a league of them. 

No. Parliament is safe enough from verbatim reports, till a 
BIGGAR and a PARNELL twin obstructives risen to con- and de- 
structive are set loose to work their wicked wills upon the Saxoa 



(Penned by W. E. G. in Arcadia.) 

OME live with me and 

be my love ; 
And we will all the 

pleasures prove 
That, in these days, 

Arcadia yields 
To one who seeks its 

peaceful fields. 

We'll sit beside our 

Seeing the missives 
come in flocks ; 

Big piles of post-cards, 
destined all 

For answering ques- 
tions great and 

And I will pen you 
pamphlets long, 

And essays on Ho- 
meric song ; 

Or spice my lectures 
sage and solemn, 

With brave orations 
by the column. 

I '11 show thee how a Wolff to keep 
From harrying Arcadian sheep : 
And how to counter, " fib," and "plant," 
And play the Shepherd-militant. 

I '11 teach thee how to ply an axe, 
And mind and muscle jointly tax ; 
Or quit the pastoral pipe and crook, 
For wordy bout and big Blue-Book. 

The Daily papers, morning treat 
To lend a relish to our meat, 
Shall on our breakfast-table be 
Piled up each day for thee and me. 

The lazier Swains may dance and sing, 
We '11 toil and fight like anything. 
If these delights thy mind may move, 
Then live with me, and be my love ! 

APBIL 28, 1877.] 




CERT meant to de- 
monstrate what '" 
That "patriot*" are 

a seedy lot ; 
That spouters of sedi- 
tious rant, 
"With tongue alone are 

And, spite of bellicose 

Don't " disregard the 

consequences " ; 
That swaggerers, who 

Police defy 
Of Jupiter Pluvius 

tight shy, 
Whose water-pot has 

proved a damper 
To many a loud pot- 
valiant tramper ; 
That heroes game to 

spill their blood 
Will funk chill wind 
and clinging mud, 
Oblivious of valorous 

vows ; and 
That those defiant 

hundred thousand 
" Stern men and true " got deci- 

More easily than congregated ; 
That the arithmetic of bluster 
Is always falsified at muster ; 
That MORGAW of the knightly 

IB not the pink of chivalry ; 

may be had in the basement of the Hall, on 
implication to the Chemist of the Medicines of 
he Future, who will have his laboratory on 
he premises, with every description of restora- 
ive appliance and apparatus. 
Special trains will run from the Kensington 

High Street Station to Colney Hatch, Hanwell, 
nd Earlswood after each concert. 

That ROWLAND TYLEB is not WAT ; 
That muffs who swear they 'd rather rot 
In dungeon than as recreants live, 
Would funk what Beak might haply give ; 
That martyrdom is not their walk, 
When " rot " is mainly all their talk ; 
That 'tis an anti-climax rather 
When fools who in their thousands gather, 
Have to depute ten leading " gabs " 
To charge the foe in four-wheeled cabs ! 

That geese will stray when given free room, 
And that the House of Commons tea-room 
With counsel and applause from WHALLBT, 
Forms fittest finish to such folly ; 
That loud DE MORGAN can but bray 
Like other " mokes," and lose bis way ; 
That blatant TIT.ER and crass SKIPWOBTH 
Are scarcely serious Satire's whip worth ; 
In fine, that the egregious three 
Are utter donkeys U. E. D. ! 


THE following Regulations have been issued by the Police for the maintenance of order 
and the satisfaction of the Great Composer on tht occasion of the Wagner performances 
at the Albert Hall : 

The Public will be admitted to the Albert Hall on presentation of vouchers signed b; 
HERR WAGNER or HEUH DANNRKUTHKK, and on production of a certificate from any two 
Professors of .Esthetics in any University at home or abroad. 

No person who has ever been heard to scoff at the Music of the Future, or is known 
to.prefer MOZART'S. BEETHOVEN'S, or M ENDELSSOHX'S works to the Recitatives in Lohengrin 
and the Ring dr Nibtlungon, or who has ever confessed to having derived pleasure Iron 
the Operas of AUXEB or ROSSINI, BELLINI or DONIZETTI, or who has at any time degrade* 
himself so far as to listen to the garbage of OFFENBACH, HEBVE, LECOCQ, or STBAFSS 
will on any account be admitted to the honour of assisting in this audition. 

Any one of the audience assembled who shall blow any one's trumpet but that o 
RICHARD WAGNER (always excepting the ninety-nine trombones in the orchestra), o 
who shall sneeze, cough, or blow his own nose, or any one else's, during the ceremony 
or who shall show any sign of disapproval or weariness, either by audible word, gesture 
exclamation, or whisper, shall, on detection, be removed by the police agents at the firs 
pause in the programme. 

Only specified admirers will be permitted to bring up to the dais on which the angus 
WAGNER will be enthroned crowns, wreaths, or bouquets for his acceptance. 

All crowns must be of gold or silver-gilt. Wreaths and bouquets to be competed of th 
costliest exotics. 

The Police have special orders to prevent the audience in their enthusiasm carryinj 
HERR WAGNER round the Galleriesj or crowding to kiss 'his hand, so as to impede hi 
respiration, or otherwise interfere with his personal comfort. 

A powerful. lime-light will throw a halo round the head of the Professor during th 

Thre of the most noted aurists of Savile Row will be in attendance at the Hall for th 
reparation of defective drums. 

Sal-volatile and chloric gather, for the use of persons of exceptionally fine-strung nerves 


WE rejoice to hear that the British Army 
already possesses an excellent range-finder, and 
ms only to bring it into use and train men to 
work it in all branches of the Service. This is 
very encouraging, and all would be well did 
but the British Army possess also the following 
useful articles : 

A Commander-in-Chief who did not disap- 
>rove of his own General Orders. 

A Field-Marshal who did not rest his claims 
o distinction upon his years rather than his 

A Mobilisation Scheme that did not exist 
only on paper. 

A War-Office which did not quarrel with the 
Indian Department. 

An Indian Department which did not, when- 
ever possible, snub and ignore the Horse- 

A Reserve able to fill up ugly gaps in the 
event of our Army being called on for serious 

And, lastly, a few more horses, a good many 
more guns, and, if it could be managed with- 
out quite breaking the back of BRITANNIA, a 
great many more stalwart men in her Line and 
our Reserve. 


YON Butcher's ruby face is gleaming 
With copious moisture, like the rain, 

Whose big drops, fast and frequent streaming, 
Run races down the window-pane. 

From pores cutaneous such effusion 

In heat of business oft appears. 
That thought were now a fond illusion ; 

For ah, those cheeks are bathed in tears ! 

News of the last great importation 
Of Yankee meat hath caught his eyes : 

O'erwhelmed with grief and consternation 
So now the blne-frocked Bobus cries. 

From Commoners to Cads. 
MB. PUNCH, if infallible, is yet not omni- 
scient. Knowing that MR. JOHN DE MOROAS 
had headed commoners in the destruction oi 
illegal enclosures on commons, he did not know 
at the time that MB. DE MOBGAN was capable 
of heading cads in an Orton demonstration of 
tagrag and bobtail. But Mr. Punch never 
pronounced MB. BE MORGAN, ex cathedra, to 
be a wise and sensible man, or declared him, 
authoritatively, actuated by any sentiment 
superior to the enthusiasm of a demagogue 
inflamed with a passion for notoriety. 

Tliat Terrible Turk. 
Air assertion commonly passing current is 
the saying that " the Turk is a Conservative." 
This however should be taken with grains oi 
salt fully amounting to a scruple. In Bul- 
garia and elsewhere the Turk has abundantly 
shown that, when his monkey is up, he can be 
an out-and-out Destructive. But, Conserva- 
tive or Destructive, as the occasion of a threa- 
tened European war, confound his politics ! 

in the House of Commons. 




[Apfttt 28\ 1877. 


Lady's-Maid (enumerating her Qualifications for the Place). " I MAT LIKEWISB HADD, HEM, THAT I HALWATS MANAGHS TO MAEKT MY 



" For the last few months England has-been taking the lead." Ma. WABD- 
HUNT, at Portsmouth. 

" What was it we promised in that paragraph of the Protocol, which some 
people have urged, but I think with signal ill-success, involves or implies the 
idea of coercion ? It was this : that if certain things were not done by the 
Turkish Government we being the judges of whether they were done or not 
then, at some future time, which was not fixed we being the judges as to 
when that time had arrived we should consider with certain other Powers, 
and say what we should then do." LORD DERBY, in the Mouse of Lords. 

TAKING the lead ? Well, it 's flattering, very, 

To picture JOHN BULL in that masterful rule. 
But, perhaps, ere we make too much haste to be merry, 

'Twere well of that lead to consider the goal. 
Blind leaders have been, and we know where they guide to. 

A dux such as DERBY should better succeed. 
Let him point out the fair winning-post we 're to ride to, 

And show the result of our taking the lead. 

Peace ? No, not precisely, for war-cries are rumbling, 

And baffled diplomacy comes to a halt. 
Treaty-rights ? Those old bulwarks appear to be tumbling, 

By gradual sap, if not daring assault. 
Amelioration of down-trodden masses ? 

Our help to that end has been trifling indeed. 
What else ? "Well, the wreck of that poor Bridge of Asses 

Remains as result of our taking the lead. 

And that ? A. hits B. " Now," says B., " I must mention, 

My friend, that your manners are scarcely urbane, 
And, if yon evince any obvious intention 

That is, in my judgment of punching again, 
I fear I must really, at some time or other, 

I won t fix the date to a decade or two, 
Take measures to well, my annoyance to smother, 

And consult as to what 'twere well, some day, to do." 

That 's Protocol policy ! ' ' Safe ? " Some may think so ; 

JOHN BULL has his doubts whether making it plain 
That his pluck may at pinch from the sticking-place shrink so 

Is certain to issue in ultimate gain. 
At least, if his goal is this queer congregation 

Of " Ifs," that as peacemakers do not succeed, 
He fails to perceive any special temptation 

To jubilant bounce about" Taking the Lead." 


GREAT and grievous disappointment was caused in the City by 
the discontinuance of the custom wont hitherto from old time to be 
annually and religiously observed by the Judges and Serjeants of 
the Law on the first Sunday in Easter Term of going in state, arrayed 
in full-bottomed wigs and ermine, to St. Paul's, " where," as the 
Echo says, " the LOKD MAYOR, the LADY MAYORESS, the Sheriffs, 
and the proper City officials, with sword and mace, and Aldermen 
and Common Councillors, in fur and mazarine gowns, each with a 
bouquet in his hand, waited patiently for the Judges and Serjeants 
who did not come." Ostensible excuses were made for this porten- 
tous dereliction. But what if, considering the attitude assumed by 
certain ecclesiastics towards the Public Worship Act and the Court 
of Arches, the Sages of the Law thought proper to absent themselves 
from Church in order to signify what they think of certain digni- 
taries of the Church defying the Law P 

A New Torture. 

WE are informed (though we make this announcement sous toutes 
les reserves) that one of the sufferings endured by the Unhappy 
Nobleman pining in Dartmoor arises from the shoals of letters 
addressed to him, through an erroneous interpretation of the follow- 
ing words in the form to be used by the large number of persons 
desiring abatement of Income-Tax " All the blanks in the Notice 
must be filled up, and the Notice must be signed by, the Claimant." 





APRIL 28, 1877.] 




(Forwarded to us through a Friend by Private Wire.*) 

us day after the one last mentioned. Met 
sixteen wolves to-day all wrapped up in 
sheep's clothing to keep themselves warm. 
Tried MB. GLADSTONE'S name on them 
with excellent effect. Haven't seen them 
again. Pig getting very clever. Met a 

'air Circassian coming home. She was quite the'Circassian creme de la creme. In fact as I 
said to her, " You 're so much the cream as to be quite the cheese ! " She blushed and 
replied. " son of thrice noble parents " they are uncommonly polite these Circassians 
"0 well-fed and much-caressed one" she must have meant the rig, not me "0 funny 
little fat father "she must have been thinking of some one else when she said this 
"I am afraid that your words are chaffinski " (a Circassian expression for not meaning 
what you say) but I assured her she was mistaken. " O beautiful one ! unhappy one ! " 
I replied, my memory furnishing me with appropriate expressions from the translations of 
the Italian libretti to which we are accustomed at the Opera, "how strangely thou art 
mistaken ! Ah Heaven ! my divine enchantress (divina incantatrice), my words are the 
voice of truth ! " Then I spread out the Alphabet before her, and the Pig grunted at each 
letter which made up her loter's name. She parted with two roubles, ana left us much 
pleased with the entertainment. 

Wednesday, Came up to Fort Number One.? Found GENEBAL KACFFMANN here taking 
care of Number One. Gave KAtrFFMANN some lozenges for his voice. "Kauff, man, no 
more," said I, pleasantly, and he went into fits. I asked him if we should be stopped before 
we got to Khiva. He answered with considerable caution, and put his finger to his nose. 
The last thing I saw of the old General was his left eye, as he winked at us through a 
loophole in Fort Number One. Thermometer going down to twenty degrees below nothing. 
Never was so cold. I have a warm sack with a hot-air apparatus in which I live the greater 
part of the day, and ride side-saddleways like a lady. As in this climate one dare not show 
one's eyes, or nose, or hands, I have ingeniously contrived holes through which the reins 
pass, and so I manage to guide my animal. If this cold increases, I must do in Russian 
Tartary as the Russian Tartars do, and, when riding, get inside and pull the blinds down. 
But I m a Cosmopolitan, and can live anywhere. 1 find the piano a great comfort. It 
affords considerable amusement by day, and forms an admirable sleeping place at night. 
This evening played two games of Double Dummy with the Pig. He won the last rubber. If 
he repeats this, I shall watch his play closely. The Sleigh-driver backed the Pig. I begin 
to snspect collusion. How will this end ? 

Day after. Came across a Vodki, which is a sort of Russian Punch-show, only" without 
Toby. It was being carried by its spirited proprietor, who complained bitterly of the decay of 
the drama. The Vodki-man admired the Pig and made an offer. Refused it, but played the 
Vodki-man at tcartt, with which he was not previously acquainted: at least, so he said; 
but, for a novice. I never saw a man cut the king so often. Fortunately, as ! explained to 
him after he had won a dozen games, we were only playing for amusement not for money 

To prevent mistakes, we think it as wll to state, that the " Private Wire " in quertiom is not a 
soldier at least we suppose not. We merely print the words as written at the bead of the US. left at 
our Office by one of Our i<epresent*tive'i many friends. ED. 

or I should have lost considerably. Row 
with the Vodki-man. Appeal to the Sleigh- 
driver. Sleigh-driver sided with Vodki. I 
offered him an I.O.U. They both said that 
in the middle of a snow desert this was of 
no use to ,'/.///. Obliged to pay in roubles. 
Vodki-man wished me to bear no malice, 
and offered me a glass of native tcickiki. 

Not liking to offend him, took it. 

Next Morning. Everythingdisappeared, 
and everybody Vodki-man, Sleigh-driver, 
Piano, and Pig. All gone. 1 am alone in 
the Great Snow Desert houseless, friend- 
less, unprotected. Policeman only makes 
his rounds here once in three months, and 
then finds it dull, as there are no area- 
railings, cooks, or cold mutton within fifty 
miles. Please send me a cheque at once 
(by Private Wire*), or I shall not be able 
to get on to Khiva not even on foot. 

You wouldn't like to hear of Your Re- 
presentative perishing of cold and starva- 
tion in the Great Snow Desert. The British 
Government would take up the subject 
warmly ; but the subject would be precious 
cold before the British Government stirred 
itself, and even then two or three years 
might elapse before an Honourable Member 
would call for the papers, relating to the 
mysterious disappearance of a British sub- 
ject somewhere in the gnow between 8t. 
Petersburg and Khiva, to be laid before 
the House. Send the cheque per my 
friend, whom you can thoroughly trust, 
and who knows all about it. Do not 
delay. If you've any misgiving, t just 
look up the people whose names are down 
on my Subscription List, and who haven't 
paid up. If my hands are not too frozen 
to write or to wire, I will send you my 
diary as usual. But should the wolves get 

It Next Day (Diary continued by Private 
Wire). Luckiest chance in the world! 
Found a mhoka (a Tartar donkey) and a 
boy going to Khiva. Boy says he knows 
the way. No saddle or bridle. Only a 
Joee (a small sum equal to about fourpence 
of our money) by the hour. Away I upon 
my bare-baoked steed. 

Day after. Hooray! (This again is by 
Private Wire.) The Pig has come back 
safe and sound. He had a squeak for his 
life. The Vodki-man had religious objec- 
tions to eating him, and the Pig for- 
tunately getting hold of the letters of the 
Alphabet which he carries with him round 
his neck, spelt out the words, " I 'm a 

The Vodki-man instantly released him, 
as, being a Turk, and not a Tartar, he never 
tortures Christians. In fact they never 
do out here. That 's all a mistake. The 
Pig is as happy as possible, and has already 
made great friends with the Donkey and 
the Boy. 

1 P.M. Luncheon time. At this point 
I came on CAPTAIN BITKNABY'S track.! He 

We are struck by the mention of this name 
again in connection with lending a cheque. Can 
Private Wire be really a soldier, and not a tele- 

Sraphic apparatus ? We bare told our Confidential 
oy in the front office to make inquiries. Ep. 
f We have. But still if our Representative ii 
really, through no fault of hi* own, in such a 
pitiable condition, something ought to be done. 
To be on the ufe aide, we shall consult a Solicitor. 
We have had no information as yet concerning 
this " Private Wire." ED. 

J In warmly congratulating CAPTAIN BCRNABT 
on his safe return from hia recent tour in Ana 
Minor, we also congratulate ourselves on the 
opportunity now afforded us of testing the 
orrestmesa by which expression we show 
omrsdvM far from impugning the veracity of 
our Special Representative's statements. Be- 



[APRIL 28, 1877. 


Sergeant of Pensioners (marching party of the Army Reserve into Campapproachiiig the Guard). 



has left his footprint in the snow. I telegraph over this news at 
once, as I know the publishers are all rushing en masse to buy 
his works, and I want to know what they '11 give for one of his 
foot-prints ? The print is a proof of his having been here ; and 
I'll swear to it for a consideration. My friend at the livery 
stables will receive tenders and forward them to yours truly by 
Private Wire. On we go again to Khiva. 

sides, if our Hiding Representative has gone wrong, we are sure that the 
gallant officer above mentioned will be only too delighted to telegraph to 
him all such necessary directions as " Go ahead ! " " First turning to 

the right!" "Halt!" and so forth Since writing the above, a 

map of the country, drawn by our Representative, exhibiting its strong 
and weak points, and showing the route he is now taking, has been 
delivered by his agent, the Livery-Stable Keeper. We were out at the time, 
but our Confidential Boy in the front office took it in, and gave the man five 
shillings on account. It will be on his own the Confidential Boy's account 
if the map is not both genuine and authentic. The Boy quite forgot to ask 
about Private Wire, but he says that the man who generally brings the MS. 
has a " millingterry hair." Still the Boy is to blame. 

Latest Intelligence, Bov in tears. His mother has arrived. The five 
shillings belonged to her. Further complications. Result in our next, as we 
mutt go out (by the back door) and call on CAPTAIN BURNABT. We are 
most anxious to see the horse that he has ridden BO much on. It must be 
his hobby. ED. 

Erin's Three Graces. 
(New version of a well-known Epigram.) 

THREE Members in three different counties born, 
Dundalk and Meath and Cavan did adorn : 
The first in rude vulgarity surpassed ; 
The next in stubbornness ; in both the last. 
Force of obstructiveness no more could do 
To make the third, she joined the other two. 

THE LATEST FORK OF LUNACY. Faith in the Crescent. 


THINGS are not what they used to be in days not distant far 
Old fogies were no striplings then, when NICHOLAS was Czar. 
And people dreamt how came so strange a fancy to extend ? 
That Russian rule was tyranny, and conquest Russia's end. 

" Atrocities " in Poland, deeds of bigotry and ire, 

Were told, and even credited, of ALEXANDER'S sire ! 

The " Nuns of Minsk " a by-word were that passed beyond a doubt. 

JOHN BULL believed the story of the Sisters and the Knout. 

The Cross against the Crescent when good NICHOLAS unfurled, 
The bombs of France and England on Sebastopol were hurled. 
Against him, with the Ottomite the Western Powers took part, 
And thwarted him, and baffled him, and broke his gentle heart. 

The Turks were then our trusty friends, our true and good allies. 
We all thought Turkey in the scale of Nations on the rise. 
Alas, these good opinions Britons backed with British gold : 
Investors lent the moneys which they '11 ne'er again behold. 

But now in vain may Turkey to BRITANNIA look for aid. 
The Muscovites the Forte's domain can unopposed invade, 
So they assail our interests not, for anything we care, 
'Tis almost a Party question if we should not help " the Bear." 

Bulgarian horrors were the cause which, sole and simple, wrought 
On the Oriental Question all this change of British thought. 
Mere righteous indignation bids us throw the Moslem o'er, 
Bleed not e'er a drop to save them ; lend them ne'er a penny more. 


IT is said that the " Tripartite Treaty " of 1856 gives the parties 
to it " no loophole." True ; but there appears to be a hole in it 
through which another party will be able to lire. 

APEIL 28, 1877.J 





UN Tenor ambulant (de Bruxelles) 
Fascine par lea bieres si belles 

Qu'on fabritjue a Burton, 

Entonnn la chanson : 
" Quo je (liic) Tondrais avoir vos ailest" 

A POTSDAM, lea totaux abstenenrs, 

( 'online tant d'autrcs titotalleurs, 
Sent gloutons, ornnivores, 

Grands manchons, et torriblcs duflenrs. 

SMITH voudrait avoir asscz de joue 
Pour parler a cet homme a la roue, 

Et ]K>ur oser, en cas 

Qn il ne repondit jms, 
L'appcler " Vieux baton-dans-la-bone I" 


AwofeLiNA t'aimait I 
Mais un jour qu'ANOiUNA chantait, 

Tit fis une grimace 

Qn'elle vit dans la glace. . . . 
Des ce jour, Pauvre EDOUIN, e'en est fait I 



[APRIL 28, 1877- 


HE CTNIC I Ay ; but a la 

Not as per ancient 

'Tis not the modern 

Timon's code 
On luxury to trample. 
DIOGENES was but a dunce 
Who scorned the choice 

and cosy, 
We moderns know that 

life 's at once 
Ridiculous and rosy. 

Ridiculous ! .Most men are 

Most women food for 

But Cynics of the ancient 

Were coarse, ill-clad, 

and shocking. 
We dress, and dine, and 

dance, and wine, 
Smart scoffers, gay and 

For dirt and dulness don't 

The new Nil Admirari. 

Rosy ! Yes, life is rosy, too, 

To such as take it rightly ; 
Cut gush, eschew the sourly true, 

And love and labaur lightly. 
For life has no abiding sting, 

Nor any binding snare for 
That mortal who no mortal thing 

Too clingingly will care for. 

Since life 's a jest, he fares the best 

Who makes a trade of jesting ; 
And only zanies spoil its zest 

By seriously contesting. 
'Tis fun to watch the squabbling Schools, 

Creeds, Councils, Crowns, and Mitres. 
The wise look on, and only fools 

Are found among the fighters. 

Fight ? Who would stoop to sweat and dust, 

Or handle hilt or trigger, 
When he might watch War's cut and thrust, 

And, snug in safety, snigger ? 
Hot dolts may join the strenuous close 

No choice could well be queerer 
I cock a cool contemptuous no*e, 

And read the Sixpenny Sneerer. 

The dread regime of gush and rush, 

To restless GLADSTONE owing, 
Thank Heaven, is o'er. With sleepy hush 

Our stream of life is flowing. 

And if there 's that beneath which makes 

Sour zealots hold their noses, 
The course is smooth, and Mirth awakes 

To strew the stream with roses. 

We 've shut the door on Sentiment, 

A guest who gave us trouble ; 
For glory ! fools may be content 

To chase that flying bubble. 
Your Cynic-epicure will try 

A pleasanter employment, 
Combining general mockery 

With personal enjoyment. 

Not mine DIOGENES'S rules 

Roots and tubs may suit Vandals ; 
Give me my trots plats, togs from POOLE'S, 

And last new thing in scandals, 
These are my joys. Down, dullard Care ! 

Out, Zeal, tnou Simple Simon ! 
My cane ! my weed ! I take the air 

The fashionable Timon ! 



ALTHOUGH a Vegetarian yet not a Teetotaller for when thirsty and fatigued, I 
can drink my pot of strong beer off at a pull, let me implore you to exert your great in- 
fluence amongst the Equestrian Order for keeping the regulation of provender in their 
stables strictly and steadily up to the mark of good old English fare. As beef, mutton, and 
veal hold their place in the banqueting-hall, so let hay, beans, and corn in the manger. 
This sentiment must commend itself to every stable mind. 

But, esteemed Sir, there has appeared in several of your contemporaries a statement, 
representing a certain French gentleman so to call him a M. LE BIAN, to have invented 
a substitute for oats. It seems to have answered so well in France, that innovators propose 
to introduce it into this country. The fodder designed to supersede oats is what do you 
imagine ? Parsnips ? 

Parsnips of all subjects of the Vegetable Kingdom ! Roots ! What next ! Turnips, 
I suppose Swedes, mangold- wurzel, kohl-rabi, food for cattle, including THOKLET'S, 
perhaps, or oil-cake even, who knows ? materials for the growth of meat. It is easy t( 
see what all this points to. No doubt, parsnips are highly nutritive in their way 
Everybody knows that they contain a large quantity of sugar, wherewithal they served your 
great-grandmothers to make parsnip-wine. But sugar is carbonaceous food, simply fat- 
tening. It will not support the condition requisite for the hunting-field, or the turf. It 

will only qualify a creature for the stall. 
Such as the stalled ox is, such will it 
render the superior quadruped degrading 
it to a stalled horse. Parsnips are recom- 
mended in lieu of oats, mainly because 
,hey are cheaper four times as cheap as 
oats. They are means by which horses can 
ie fattened at small expense, like pigs. 
Presently, perhaps, horses also will be sup- 
plied with wash ; and education on pars- 
lips, comprising an excursion upon acorns, 
will conclude with a brief course of barley- 

The plain fact is, Mr. Punch, that if 
fiven to horses, instead of their proper 
:ood, parsnips will be the thin end of the 
wedge. In France the wedge has been 
driven home. Hippophagy has long pre- 
vailed there ; as, no doubt, anthropophagy 
will very soon. Parsnips for British horses 
will be the beginning of the end ; and that 
end will be the butcher's shop. In the 
meanwhile you will have Horse Shows, 
wherein the horses will be shown as fat 
cattle. You will see horses, ere long, near 
hristmas, exhibited amongst the rest of 
the beasts at the Smithfield Club Cattle 
Show, and graziers and meat-salesmen 
coming and punching their sides. From the 
knuckles of all such connoisseurs defend 
with your cudgel the ribs of your humble 
servant to command in any work according 
to his capacity, HOUYHNHNM. 

Brobdingnag Mcivs, April 25, 1877. 


PUNCH hears that the following sugges- 
tions for new taxation were struck out of 
the Budget at the last moment. He would 
suggest the substitution of them for the 
Income-tax in a future year. 

A Tax on three-volume novels written by 

A Poll-tax on rinkers. 

A Poll-tax on bachelors over thirty. 

A Tax on the sixpenny journals of so- 
ciety, which retail scandal and call it news. 

A Tax on false hair. 

A Tax on photographs. 

A Tax on high heels. 

And, finally, a source of large addi- 
tion to the revenue of the country, a Tax 
on all the imbecility in the shape of cor- 
respondence which Punch has daily to sift 
in the forlorn hope of finding the one grain 
in the measureless bushels of chaff. 

To Sir Henry Hawkins. 
(By a Bothered Barrister.) 

TWINKLE, twinkle Legal star, 
How I wonder what you are ! 
Up above the Court so high : 
Please enlighten us ! Do try I 

" Nor owns the Flattering Falsehood 
of the Brush." 

HEBE is a curious, and, so far as Punch 
knows, a new offence charged against a 
butcher who contracts for the meat supply 
of a Metropolitan Union; viz., that of 
" painting the head of a sheep, to give it 
the semblance of a South Down." 

Till now we had thought the painting up 
of sheepish heads, so as to give them the 
appearance of better blood and breeding 
than rightfully belonged to them, was 
the work of the portrait-painter, not the 
butcher. The accused butcher, it is only 
fair to say, repels with indignation the 
aesthetic impeachment. 

MAT 5, 1877.] 




( U'ith the kind Permistion of the Authorities) 

SMITH PASHA (a Captain in the 30th Hussars, Prince 
Leopold's Own) is marching northwards with a large 
Turkish army. He is likely to be opposed, on reach- 
ing Russian soil, by GENERAL COUNT SNOOKSKI, 
another English officer on half-pay. 

BROWN EFFKNDI (of Her Majesty's Tin Tax Ofhce) 

has accepted the post of Director of War Telegraphs 

to the Turkish Government. He will leave England 

immediately (on long leave) to undertake the duties 

I of his new post. 

M. THOMPSONOFF (of the British Foreign Office) has 
been intrusted with the mission of stirring up an 
insurrection on the borders of the Danube by the 
Russian Government. 

JOSES EFFEXDI (a Captain in the Royal Navy) is 
in command of four Turkish Iron-clads. He has 
been ordered to bombard Odessa. He has received 
n'> instructions to spare British property in that 

TAIN BBOWBOFF (of the Royal Engineers, Chat- 
ham) has accepted temporary service in the Russian 
Army. He will be intrusted with the construction of 
a road from Khiva to British India. It will be re- 
membered that CAPTAIN BROTVNOFF has recently re- 
turned from service with his company in the North- 
West Provinces. 

ROBINSON BEY (of the English Treasury) has ac- 
cepted a contract from the Turkish Government to set 
the Suez Canal on fire with torpedoes, powder, and 
patent wood. 

Members of the Indian Civil Service have been 
engaged by the Russian Government to furnish con- 
fidential reports of the state of native feeling in the 
Presidencies of Bengal, Bombay, and Madras. 




In Be Beetle-Crusher. 


As it seems we are doomed to dance Polkas this 
season, and as the old "Stamp Galop" has gone 
out of fashion, do, like a dear old man, suggest to 
MR. GODFREY to give us a "Please don't Stamp 
Polka." The name might convey a gentle hint, not 
before it; is wanted, t to some over-heavy-footed 
partners. I am, Ac., 



THERE are actually those who deprecate Railway extension on 
Barnes Common ! Still more, Mr. Punch, will they object to the 
improvement designed for that pleasant place by other and even 
more tasteful parties than London and South-Western Railway 

Going towards Richmond by way of Hammersmith Bridge Road. 
turn down the lane thence diverging at the " Red Lion" Pub. It 
takes you out on the Common. You pass between meadows on the 
right and left. The meadow close on the right has in it a rookery 
among tall elm-trees. On the left the meadows are besprinkled and 
bespangled with daisies and buttercups and marsh-marigold and 
cuckoo-flower ; and as the season advances, and when haymaking is 
at hand, the grass will have grown up luxuriantly, crested and 
tinted with red sorrel. 

On this side, just where the lane opens on the Common, nigh to 
your elbow stands a pole, displaying a red Hag. A series of like 
poles and flags, a few yards apart, extends all the way up to the 
Cemetery. In the midst of them is hoisted a blank board, exhibiting , 
in white letters, the enlivening legend, " Site of the Proposed 
Sewage-Manure Works." Danger-signals these, apparently, nung 
out by absurdly alarmed Conservators. 

The site of the proposed Sewage-Manure Works is at present 
occupied by nothing prettier than furze richly out in bright yellow 
bloom. On a hot sunny day, to be sure, blooming furze exhales a 
delightful odour. Fancy that of the Works ! 

A background to the site of the proposed Sewage-Mannre Works 
is formed of mere rows of trees coming out in leaf. Would not 
DR. JOHNSON have been right in saying that a grove of chimneys in 
a place like that was better than any grove of trees ': Particularly 
such chimneys as the chimneys of Sewage-Manure Works. 

I am informed bv enemies of the parties who propose to embellish 
Barnes Common with Sewage-Manure Works that they are princi- 

pally certain parochial pigs of the Bumble description styed a 
Mortlake, where they have close by them an almost unfrequented 
and quite out-of-the-way common in their immediate neighbour- 
hood, between the road and Richmond Park, to build upon if they 
must build Sewage-Manure Works upon a common rather than 
expend enough money to hare their sewers connected with a system 
of main drainage. 

Their foes also affirm that the project for the invasion and defile- 
ment of Barnes Common, as they call it, is opposed by the people of 
Barnes and Putney, and even by those of remote Kensington, very 
naturally, they say ; for, should it be executed, the next step in 
sanitary progress may be expected to be the erection of Sewage 
Manure Works in Kensington Gardens. And why not ? 

I was greatly surprised, as no doubt you will be, to hear that the 
Barnes Common Improvement and Odorisation Scheme is likewise 
opposed by the Metropolitan Board of Works. But its worthy 
promoters are said to have prevailed so far as to have got a Govern- 
ment Inspector appointed to report on the merits of their lovely 

Sound the alarm, Mr. Punch, summon alii the rijfht-mindel 
Members of Parliament, and arouse the Society for the Preservation 
of Open Spaces with your most raucous roo-too-tooi for a trumpet- 
oall to aid public benefactors in the attempt to enrich Barnes 
Common with a delight to the eye, and a pleasure to the organ 
which duly appreciates A NOSEGAY. 

Most Questionable Recommendation. 

HERE is about the worst recommendation from a man's last place 
we ever heard of : 

\TEXTII,ATIO\, DRAINAGE, ami WARMINO tlmr nghly effected 
V t the least eipenw?. Sixtepn yearV experience in the War-Office. 
Address, *c. 



[MAY 5, 1877; 


ABK! (Lords, Monday, April 3), LOED DEBBT (as Call-Soy) ; "War Overture on, 
my Lords ! " MB. LA YARD reports the flitting of the Russ corps diplomatique from 
Stamboul ; COLONEL MANSFIELD, the arrival of the first Russian detachments at 
Bucharest. Exeunt words. Enter swords. 

The EABX OF CABNARVON,.most laborious, well-meaning, and clear-headed of 
Colonial Ministers, introduced his skeleton South African Confederation Bill. It 
is the mere framework of a permissive measure, under whose dead ribs the Colonial Legislatures may, if they will, breathe a soul, by 
turning the Bill's " mays " into " shalls." The problem before the Colonial Office is not an easy one how to combine into a harmonious, 
well-guarded, and well-governed whole, the motley mixture of Dutch Settlements. English Colonies, and Native States now dividing 
South Africa, in more senses than one. At present Dutch Boer, English Settler, Malay Coolie, Tottie, Bechuana, Griqua, and Zulu, only 
agree to differ. The Bill provides how, if they can but agree to try to agree, they are to go about it, all the ticklish points being left open for 
local discussion and settlement. No doubt this is the best way of managing a most difficult job. If LOBD CABNABVON had sent out a 
ready-made constitutional suit it would never have fitted. As it is, he empowers the Colonial tailors to take their own measures, and cut 
their own coat of many colours according to their own cloth and the wearer s figure. 

(Commons.) A nice go in at the House's favourite game of question and answer. More outbreaks of Cattle Plague, worse luck, in 
big suburban herds, too, at Willesden, Kensal Green, and Notting Hill. Nothing for it but stamping out. " That 's the sort of plague 
I am ! ' Budget talk ; CHILDERS and MUNDELLA croaking, W. H. SMITH: sanguine, CHANCELLOB OF THE EXCHEQUER cheerful. 

ScLATEB-BooiH asked for a credit of Four Millions for Local Loans. CHAMBEBLAIN congratulated the country on the increasing 
indebtedness of local authorities. It meant expenditure on remunerative and much-needed works of drainage, gas, water, and street 
improvement. Bar jobs and blunders, MR. CHAMBERLAIN a biggish bar too. But it is the Local Government Board's business to knock 
that bar down and keep it down. If only the Board could contrive to use a little less red-tape in the process ! 

Tuesday (Lords). LORD DERBY announced the crossing of the Roumanian frontier by 17,000 Russians at Bolgrad and Jassy. 

LOBD GBET wanted to know whether what is called the D. T. Draft Protocol (in which Turkey undertakes to do all that the 

Conference asked, and to allow the Ambassadors to overlook their doing it, if Russia will only take the armed hand off her throat), 

was ever considered while the Asses' Bridge was building. LORD DEBBT said no doubt the D. T. Draft might represent the SULTAN s 

idea, but it was never before the Asses'-Bridge-builders ; and if it had been, he really did not believe it would have altered matters. 

MAY 5, 1877.] 




Fare (out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile). " Hi, THIS WON'T DO ! I SHALL OT our ! " 

Cabby (through the trap, in a whisper). " AH THIN, SOB, NTOR MIND HUE ! 



The row was to be, and nothing anybody could have said or done 
would have prevented it. What a wonderfully useful business 
Diplomacy appears to be, as represented by LORD DERBY ! In fact, his 
Lordship seems to design BRITANNIA, very much as Punch might, as 
a Dame Partington, armed with the Diplomatic Mop, trying to sweep 
back the sea of Russ aggression. If that is a right view of the 
matter, " Que diable allait-il faire dant cette galeref" what busi- 
ness had LORD SALISBURY at the Conference, or LORD DERBY at the 
laboriously useless building of the Asses' Bridge P 

(Common*.) MR. SHAW moved for a Select Committee to inquire 
into the nature, extent, and grounds of the demand made by a large 
proportion of the Irish people for the uncoupling of the Keltic cat 
from the Saxon bull-dog. The night's division proved, as a fact, 
what the mover began by admitting as a statement, that the con- 
cession of Home-Rule is out of the pale of practical politics. 

MR. Kino - HARMAN seconded the Motion ; MESSRS. BOTT, BLEN- 


W. LAWSON, supported it ; MR. C. LEWIS, MB. W. JOHNSON, 
and MH. BRUEN, for Irish constituencies, protested against it ; the 
Right Honble. W. E. FOKSTKK knocked it out of time ; PROFESSOR 
FAWCETT danced over it ; LORD HABTINGTON gave it a parting kick, 
and finally the House administered the coup de grace to it by a 
division of 417 to 67, of whom thirteen only were English Members. 
In fact there was no need of a coup de grace. The Motion was 
still-born. MR. O'DONNELL, the Secretary of the Home-Rule Con- 
federation, had killed it in embryo by his letter to the Times, pro- 
claiming that the Irish vote, in English constituencies, would be given 
" solid," to the highest bidder, and that the Liberals must choose 
between supporting Home-Rule and exclusion from Office " till 
the crack of doom. 

As MESSRS. FORSTER and FAWCETT both gave the Home-Rulers 
clearly to understand, the Liberal party would a thousand times rather 
take their chance of exclusion for ever from the Government of a 
United Kingdom, than their chance of a share in the government of 
a divided one, by aid of the Home-Rule vote. In a word, the Par- 
liament of the United Kingdom will not help the agents of Irish 
disaffection to take the muzzle from the Kilkenny cats, and set those 

vicious and vindictive animals worrying each other in the ring of 
a Palace Green Parliament- House, to the delight of cynics and 
the shame of intelligent and civilised men. 

If Home-Rule means merely Local Self -Government, it can be 
given under that name. If it means Repeal of the Union as it 
does mean in the minds of its sincerest supporters it cannot be 
given at all. The sooner Ireland puts that into her dudeen, and 
smokes it, the better for her. 

Tuesday's debate was chiefly valuable for the emphasis with which 
it [records that determination. We may thank MR. O'DoNNXLL's 
letter for bringing the Home- Rule imposthume (our printer had 
printed " imposthure ") to a head. To-night's talk quite discharged 
it. Time and prosperity must be left to cure the ill-humours in the 
Irish body politic of which the itch for Home-Rule is a symptom. 

SIR M. HICKS-BEACH flung a little-needed new apple of discord into 
the debate by charging MR. GLADSTONE with having written to recom- 
mend MR. KAY to the Liberal constituency of Salford, after, and 
although, he had taken the Home-Rule shilling. SIR MICHAEL was 
out in liis dates. MR. GLADSTONE showed that his letter had been 
written in MR. CAWLEY'S lifetime, long before MR. KAY was a can- 
didate for Salford even, much more before he had made friends of 
the solid Irish of that highly-Hibernianised constituency. 

Wednesday. MR. HOPWOOD moved the Second Reading of a Sum- 
mary Proceedings Bill, dealing' with the subject-matter of a Govern- 
ment Bill already before the House. Why cross CROSS P So the 
House settled HOPWOOD by 228 to 164. 

Scotch Bill for doing away with Hypothec floored for the time 
being by a quarter of an hour's severe operation of GREGORY'S 
Mixture of hard fact and hard law. 

Thursday. Seven hours in the Lord* over the DOXE OF RICH- 
MOND'S Burials Bill for aggravating the Dissenters' grievance, 
under the show of removing it. They want equality in the parish 
churchyard. The Bill gives them toleration. They want their own 
services over their dead. It gives them " silence." Silence does not 
imply Non-conformist consent or content either ; and LORD GRAN- 
VILLE became the mouth-piece of their non-content, in his Amend- 
ment that in this matter no measure would be satisfactory which did 



[MAT 5, 1877. 

not leave friends and relatives free to use at burials in parish 
churchyards such Christian and orderly observances as to them 
might seem fit. 

To this complexion it must come ; but bigotry and exclusiveness 
die as hard as ever ; and on Thursday they had a field-night ; though 
it is to be noted as a cheering sign of the times, and a proof that the 
harvest-time of common sense and Christian charity are nigh, that 
both Archbishops, in principle, and the BISHOP OF OXFORD by his 
vote, supported LORD GRANVILLE'S Resolution. There was a great 
crowd. The Bishops overflowed their benches. There were old 
ladies, besides those who were present rirtute nfficii, young ladies, 
intelligent foreigners (including the Christian Greek and the Hea- 
then Chinee), a large muster of the Commons, and many eldest 
sons of Peers supporting, as is their right and duty, the Throne 
on the steps thereof. 

It was as much a matter of course that the Resolution should be 
lost (141 to 102 was a small majority against it for the Peers) as it is 
that it will be carried in due time. Do not the BISHOP OF LINCOLN 
and the EARL of DARTMOUTH oppose it ? Do not the MARQUIS OF 
SALISBURY and the Archbishops pray a settlement, ere an offer of 
worse terms come with worse, i.e., better, times ? But the Con- 
servative Tarquin will not listen to the Sibyl; so her books are 
withdrawn from sale, to reappear in due season, at the inevitable 
higher figure which will have to be paid at last. The question is 
not one to be laid at rest by a " silent burial." 

(Commons-) HOBART PASHA 'will cease to be HOBART PASHA, 
R.N., from the outbreak of the War. There is no rupture of 
Diplomatic relations between Russia and Great Britain. 

In Committee on the University Bill, LORD FRANCIS HERVEY moved 
the wrath of GRANT DUFF and SIR JOHN LUBBOCK by protesting 
against Professors, and backing College education by Tutors against 
University education by Lecturers. The Member for the Border 
Burghs seconded him. Between LORI HERVEY, TREVELYAN and 
LOWE on the Fellows' side, and GEANT DUFF and LUBBOCK on the 
Professors', SIR W. HAECOURT took the mediatorial line, and Jove- 
like weighed in equal scales the fates of Scholarship and Science, 
Colleges and Universities, Fellows and Professors, Endowment 
of Research, and Research of Endowments. At last the Bill 
got into Committee, and there was a fight over the names of the 
MAX MiiLLEH, DR. BATESON, and DR. HOOKER being_ in turn set 
up as Aunt Salleys, to be knocked down by majorities varying 
from 10 to 32. 

The House adjourned at a quarter past one, much delighted with 
its little game of three scientific sticks a penny. 

Friday (Lords). A. Railway Accidents Commission has lately 
reported, recommending measures for enforcing on the Companies 
punctuality and safe speed of trains, reasonable hours of service, 
and an effective block and brake system. 

LORD BURY moved a Resolution pledging my Lords not to do any- 
thing to carry out these recommendations. Rest, rest, perturbed 
spirit ! The House is not going to. It was hardly necessary for 
LORD BEACONSFIELD to say as much. This is the merry month of 
may, not must. A Government that won't join in coercing Turks 
has no locus standi for coercing Directors. So far from its being 
necessary for LORD BURY to raise the subject, my Lords are quite 
ready to burke it first and bury it afterwards with a "silent burial," 
of course ; so the less said the better. Leave the Companies to provide 
blocks and brakes, as they do now, in all senses of the words, on the 
principle of undivided responsibility tempered with damages. 

[Commons.) A talk to be taken into consideration by owners of 
ships trading to Odessa, still more of sailors shipping on board 
thereof. The Russians have given notice that if such ships' get 
among the torpedoes the crews are "to go below." Nothing more 
likely. It hardly needed a Russian notice to tell us that. 

The House declines, by 189 to 65, to accede to the O'DONOGHTTE'S 
Motion, first for a Resolution pledging the House to take further 
steps to turn the Irish tenant into a fixture, and the Landlord into 
a rent-charger, and if the House won't grant that, for a Royal Com- 
mission to inquire into the matter. The House declines to follow the 
Home-Rulers rule, of fooling Irish tenants to the top of their bent. 
Parliament does not mean to grant fixity of tenure any more than 
Home-Rule, and prefers to say so in plain majorities, let BUTT pipe 
never so persuasively. 


MR. ROBERTSON, the active Manager of the Aquarium, suggests 
to the LORD CHAMBERLAIN and the HOME SECRETARY that, if they 
have any doubt as to not only the perfect safety but even the plea- 
surableness of ZAZEL'S sensational performances, they had better 
come and try being blown from the mouth of the gun themselves. 
The courteous MAEQUIS OF HERTFORD has replied : 


IT is my business to blow up Managers, not to be blown up 

by them. If ZAZEL finds it as pleasant to he blown up by her ma- 
chinist as Managers assure me they find it to be blown up by me, I 
am delighted to learn the fact, for the young lady's sake as well as 
that of your business. But I see no sufficient reason for my making 
the experiment, as you kiudly suggest. Modestly as I may think 
of myself, for the credit of my Office I cannot allow that a Lord 
Chamberlain is a " carpus vile." 

Yours faithfully, HERTFORD. 

MR. CROSS is terser, but as much to the point : 


I AH accustomed to being blown up by (if not blown out of) 
preat guns in the House of Commons, and can't see I have ever found 
it hurt me. I suppose ZAZEL'S machinery is on the Parliamentary 
pattern, and may be warranted not to do any.harm. So fire away. 

Yours, R. A. CROSS. 


" I can especially call to mind a remark which was made to me years and years 
ago by MR. DISRAELI, when we were sitting in Opposition, in the presence of 
a very eloquent and distinguished leader of the Ministry, who, MR. DISRAELI 
may have thought, was, perhaps, too much given to the exercise of his 
remarkable powers of speech. MR. DISRAELI, on that occasion, said to me, 
' I have always considered that one of the principal qualifications for a leader 
of the House of Commons is, I will not say an inability, but an unwillingness 
to speak.' " SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, at the Jianguet of the Middlesex 
Conservative Registration Association. 

WHAT Dizzr in the Commons held a grace, 

He puts in practice in " another place." 

(Some hint his silence does not please the Lords.) 

But was he always chary of his words ? 

His speech was once ornate, and arabesque, 

Frequent and fluent as Don-Juanesque ; 

Then, being young, and prone to mount the stilt on, 

He vowed to give my Lords a taste of MILTON ; 

Now, old, and over friends and foes victorious, 

Our MILTON 's mainly mute-yif not inglorious. 

A golden silence ? So his friends proclaim. 

His foes say brazen. Well, what 's in a name ? 

At worst he proves, in times with talk abounding, 

There are some kinds of brass that are not " sounding." 


oo-so, the first iron-clad fri- 
gate built in this country for 
the Japanese Government, was 
launched on Saturday from the 
works of MESSRS. SAMUDA 
BROTHERS, at Poplar." Daily 

As the Japanese have 
thus introduced one of the 
many blessings of modern 
Western civilisation into 
their country, Punch calls 
their Ambassador's atten- 
tion to the following items 
which we could well spare, 
and which the Japanese 
perhaps might appreciate 

The Great Eastern Rail- 

All the four - wheeled 
Cabs of the Metropolis. 

A good many street and 
square Statues. 
The Editor of the Englishman. 
The Rector of St. James's. Hatcham. s 
The Golden Image from the Albert Memorial. 
The Claimant. 

Three-fourths of the Music-Halls and Gin Palaces. 
The Comic Singer of the Period. 

The Man- Woman of Ditto, with her " movements," fashionable, 
political, and social. 


THE Heroine EDWIN always invokes before meals " Grace 
Darling," of course ! 

MAY 5, 1877.] 




us Butcher. Terrible 
thing, indeed '. 11" w 
the poor Russians 
and Turks are to get 
proper food, I am 
sure I don't know. 
Still, / can't do any 
harm by raising the 
price 01 meat two- 
pence a pound. 

The Editor. A 
disgrace to civilisa- 
tion ! Infamous that 
diplomacy should 
have allowed nations 
to drift into war. 
Still, it will cer- 
tainly give us plenty 
of leading lines for 
the Contents' Bills, 
and capital subjects 
for leaders. 

The Newspaper 
Proprietor. Hor- 
rible! It's merely 
butchery by thou- 
sand sand thousands. 
It is very hard not 
to call it murder. 
Still, I have no doubt 
that our circulation 
will be considerably 

The Special Cor- 
Remembering, as I do, 
7>1 and '>">, 1 am more 

respondent. I was quite upset when I heard the news. 

the terrible scenes of 18tit> and 1871, to say nothing of 

sorry than I can say. . Still, I expect my letters from the seat of war will create 

a great sensation. 

The Gun Manufacturer. Fearful ! The worst'of it is, no one can say where 

it will all end. It will be so very difficult to localise the 
war. Still, I am glad to say that everywhere gun- 
manufacture is Lxiking up, and tee have more orders 
on hand than we can get through with. 

Tli,- xia'/,,,,!-,,,-,-. Almost too painful to think about. 
It will lie u dreadful blow to commerce in every part of 
the world. Still, it is only fair to admit that it may 
give freights a fillip, and that neutral bottoms are likely 
to be in demand. 

The Doctor. Sad. very sad ! The amount of misery 
that will be caused by the war will be immense. Gun- 
shot wounds and disease of every kind will carry off 
both the combatants and the non-combatants with the 
greatest certainty. Still, tee ought to learn something 
out of it all. 

Mr. Punch. Dreadful, horrible, terrible, and lament- 
able ! Still, my dear friends, none of you seem inclined 
to forget that " it's an ill wind that blows nobody 
good.' P 

A Brand-New Song. 

(On tin SP*AXER having hii potket picktd of hit icalch at tht 
folly Theatre.) 

WHEN a grave Speaker stoops to Folly. 

And finds with tickers roughs make 'way, 
What charm can soothe his melancholy 

Can Laughing Oat his loss repay ? 

The" only way to hide vexation, 
To shield himself from pungent chaff, 

Save dignity of House and nation, 
And keep his temper, is to laugh. 


GIVN the amount of Kurds in the Turkish army in 
Asia Minor, required its Cream. 


OUR valuable' contemporary the British Medical Journal has 
lately uttered a seasonable reminder to its professional readers (to 
which Punch is glad to'give publicity beyond the professional pale) 
of the cruelty of bearing-reins, Punch ;s protests against which, 
from FtowEK, have, Punch is glad to see, borne already abundant 
fruit and will yet bear more. Punch quotes from the journal 
in question : 

" We are reminded, by the recommencement of the reason in London, to 
eay a few words by way of directing attention afresh to the powerful and 
humane pleas of MB. FLOWER against the cruel practice of driving horses 
with bearing-reins. It is a pleasure to notice that by far the larger number 
of the leading medical practitioners in London hare discontinued altogether 
the use of bearing-reins ; and we hope that the day is not far distant when we 
shall be able to poiut to the equipage of every medical practitioner in the 
country as a practical protest against the use of this most unnecessary, 
painful, and mischievous appendage to driving-reins. Physiology prototte 
against the slninc-d and artificial attitude which the horse is compelled to 
assume, and which must certainly lessen his power of drawing weights. 
Humanity and common sense protest against the infliction of this constant 
gagging strain upon the sensitive mouth of an animal whose mouth is used 
by the driver as the principal means ot guiding and directing him. Nor can 
any one who has any real knowledge of or pleasure in the study of animal 
forms feel otherwise than gratified at the free and unconstrained attitude of 
a horse driven without bearing-reins. Their use is a mere matter of senseless 
fashion. No good coachman uses bearing-reins for a horse from which he 
desires to get the full amount of work, or which he desires to leave at ease. 
Their employment is, indeed, merely a senseless fashion, which hat abto- 
lutely nothing to recommend it ; and in favour of abolition there are reasons 
to many and decided that we hope that not many yean will pass before they 
are not only disused but forgotten. The members of the medical profession 
owe much to horses, and they can to well appreciate the reasons for disusing 
bearing-reins, that we may fairly look to them to set an universal good 
example in this matter. And now that London is tilling with fashionable 
IKvple, whose horses are much disfigured by this cruel instrument of torture, 
we hope that before the season is over we may be able, in directing attention 
to this subject, to say no medical man in London uses bearing-reins for the 
horses which he drives." 

Can it be true, by the way, as Punch has heard, that BARONESS 
BURDETT COUTTS allows the use of bearing-reins on her carriage- 
horses '? If it be, let our sweet ANGELA, in her character of the 
animals' friend, just trouble herself to investigate the matter. Let 
the Angel take counsel of the Flower and we will answer for her 

abolishing the gag forthwith not coute qui coute iai it will 'co 8 * 
nothing to do it away, though it costs poor horses more suffering 
than her kind heart knows, to bear it. 

And can another strange story Punch hears be true that the 
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has shrunk from any 
manifesto against bearing-reins, through fear of annoying wealthy 
and fashionable subscribers who like to see their horses hold their 
heads up P 


Ax ancient aphorism, sage and true, 

(Though it will scarce to Protocols apply,) 
So HICKS- BBACH thought, and searched his pockets through, 

For written proof to poke in GLADSTONE'S eye. 
But when at last SIR MICHAEL found his letter 
Official pockets should be ordered better 
He found his demonstration missed the mark 

Wide as DB MORGAN'S. 
Undated history leaves one in the dark. 

Though set to music of " the Party's " organ* : 
And so SIR MICHAEL learnt, midst general laughter, 
Proofs before letters may not be proofs after. 

A . Chancery Basher. 

A IIEAI.TII to MR. FRY, Q.C., on his appointment to be a Judge of 
the Chancery Division of the High Court of Justice J , In an account 
of his professional career, and literary and scientific achievements, 
we are informed that 

" Since he became Queen't Countel in 1869, the Court telected by MB. FKY 
to practise in has been that of VICE-CHANCELLOR BACON." 

BACON first, and now Fur ? Is not this rather likely to suggest to 
suitors unpleasant associations with the frying-pan and the nre. 

TO THE SPEAKER. Its due, instead of his dew-drops. 

HAWKINS has any right to "Justice.' 

to allow that Snt HENRT 



[MAT 5, 1877. 






PEACE, with her olive-branch dust-stained and torn, 

In sad and hopeless silence sat forlorn. 

Storm raged aroundj but on each wind there came 

Tumultuous invocation of her name. 

" Peace ! Peace ! " the echoes answered. Peace upraised 

Her sad, sweet eyes. The maddening tumult 'mazed 

Their clear regard. Red Murder, with his hand 

Clenched in fierce strain upon a blood-dyed brand, 

Howled for her aid ; Ambition, with his hordes 

Massed in dense myriads for the feast of swords, 

Uplifted solemn eyes, as who should love 

The Lady of the Olive-branch and Dove ; 

Hypocrisy, the Cross clasped to her breast, 

And armies at her heels, with unctuous zest 

Lipped the loved name ; and sleek Diplomacy 

Even in Peace's name gave Peace the lie. 

Grey wolfish rancours of race, creed, and hate, 

Eager to cool in blood their hot debate, 

Drew over their wolves' backs the sheep's disguise, 

And masked their wrath with fair philanthropies. 

Poor Peace ! Perturbed, perplext, she fain would ask 

Why all invoke her help, and to what task 

They 'd call her hands. She looked around. The skies 

Suddenly darkened. Ere those crossing cries 

Had died upon the wind, War's naked blade 

Flashed lightning-like athwart the deepening shade. 

Diplomacy, its formal protests hushed, 

Skulked from the scene, with torn waste-papers crushed 

In shaking hands ; and, panoplied in pride 

The wolf revealed, sheep's clothing cast aside 

Two champions stood forth, stern face to face, 

Hot for the red arbitrament ; the Mace, 

Poised menacing, the Scimitar, at guard ; 

Strong sinews strung, against wrist quick to ward, 

Bear-crested, broad, the stark mace-wielder towered ; 

Lean, lissom as the pard, with brow that lowered, 

And eye that quailed not, crouched his Moslem foe. 

Trial by battle ! Who the end may know ? 

Who tell what warriors more may join the fray ? 

Or who the spreading strife can hope to stay ? 

Peace pressed her fluttered dove to her pale breast, 

And with one wistful look towards the West, 

One low-breathed prayer of " Heaven defend the right ! " 

Athwart the deepening darkness took her flight. 

Destination of Donkeys. 

THERE are persons who must have seen many dead Donkeys- 
They reside in the country, where they carry on a manufacture. 
At an inquiry held the other day under the Artisans' Dwellings 
Act, a MR. HATWARD, a young costermonger, was examined. 

" He said : ' We deal in the provision line, bacon and cheese. We sell 
our donkeys in the winter at the Cattle Market. We don't know what they 
do with them." He assented to MR. EODWELL'S insidious suggestion that at 
that time sausages come up from the country." 

Perhaps it is rather the case that the Donkeys go down to the 
country at that time, and the sausages come up soon after. 

Slaughter on Railways. 

A CITY Article in the Times contains the remarkable, not to say 
startling, announcement that " the 19th number has just been pub- 
lished of ME. MIHILL SLAUGHTER'S Railway Intelligence." A great 
part of Railway Intelligence in general might be said to consist of 
Slaughter's autobiography, if one could imagine Slaughter personi- 
fied, and writing a Life consisting of Railway reminiscences. There 
are, however, SLAUGHTER and Slaughter connected with Railways. 
Would that the only Railway Slaughters that could be named were 
MIHTLL and Nihil ! 

PLAT (by the Author of "Pink Dominos"). Black Draughts. 


MAY 5, 1877.] 





Glasgow Porter. " NA, NA, 




THE Bunhill Fields' Burial Ground, in which are laid 
the bodies of QEOBGE Fox and JOUN Hi .\v.\x, has lately 
been the cause of much controversy. Miss OCTAVIA HILL 
has offered to the Committee of Friendi, in whose hands 
the matter lies, almost any sum fur the possession of the 
land, that it might be mude into a garden for the 
wretched and fryer-crowded population, of the district. 
The Com mil t^e of Friends, how' II the 

land. for building sites, caring little that for that purpose 
the bodies ol thousands have to be i< m..y, 1. An eye-wit- 
ness <.; <s upermuli says : 

' L'L;. ireful undertaker" (who, how- 

ever, wu not pri'M'iit at the time), the remains of tome 5,000 

icaj wuv bting ilUint' i . 

Those who had lain side by side for two centuries 
were now separated, and the bones of the young and old 
were placed together in coarse deal boxes, and rein- 
terred in a large hole at the other end of the ground. 
Many of them, whilst awaiting this fresh burial, were 
piled in a rude heap in a corner, and the fumes of the 
carbolic acid which had been poured over them testified 
to the care extended to the living by the disturbers <>i' 
the dead. The bunes were only separated by severe ill- 
usage and the ribald language of the workmen who 
undertook the task, when added to the method of the 
work, '.was such as to justify the term, " liaised in Dis- 

FacU ituKyuatia vtn,um. 

In old time* for scorn's wke and ipite'i, 

Our PUI-H plucked up our IVud ; 
Now to bring pelf as building situs, 

Our Friendu do it instead. 

A DVANCES made on LAND in Europe and Asia, with- 
t\. out Interest. Apply at the Russian Arms. 

(A Pretent from Punck to MB. BOKERTSON.) 

" SKBKTNQ the bubble reputation 
Even in the cannon's month." ZAZEL. 

PBOOF POSITIVE. Russia can't contemplate a naval 
war, or why has she sent for her Pacific Fleet ? 


(In the Rhonddha J'ulky.) 

TEN days, far down, those live drew painful breath, 
And heard, at last, their strokes that hewed a way 

Through the black wall : a race 'twixt strength and death : 
Hunger aud Water waiting for their prey. 

Ten days, ahove, that valley poured its life, 

Men, women, children, round that sudden grave, 

To watch, with heart-sick hope, the stubborn strife 
Betwixt men's power to bear, men's power to save. 

Ten days, wide England through, the nation's heart 
Hung on the struggle, with one pulse, one breath, 
riug the wires, which told the yards that part 
The savers from the sufferers life from death. 

Great strife in little space was theirs to wage : 
That black wall their least foe ; with poisonous flame, 

Pent air let loose, and prisoned water's rage, 
Still rising, as salvation nearer came. 

One side that wall, the life that ebbed away, 

As inch by inch the cruel waters crept ; 
The other side, strong arms the pick that sway 

In face of many deaths till forth there leapt 

The shout of victory, for life and strength 
Had been too much for death ; the five were won 

From famine, water, fire, and clasped, at length, 
Their savers' helping hands the fight was done ! 

And England's heart from oommon'sympathy 
Broke forth in common burst of thankful prayer ; 

And from the cottage to the throne, one cry 
Went up, " Well done ! " as England had bean there. 

And she was there : the Lady of the Land 
Had with her people watched that ten days' fight : 

Her eager voice of question crossed the band 
That bore those wasted sufferers back to light. 

Oh ! well for them that suffered, them that saved, 

Her that rewarded with a rich reward ; 
The medal till now for sea-savers graved 

Is theirs who fought that battle long and hard, 

Nor ever bated hope, or heart, or hand, 

But showed how deep, in that Black Country's core, 
Courage and brothers' love un-noted stand, 

Ready to do their duty and do more. 

" In the Black Country " whon we see that name 
Before gome ignorant deed of wrath or wrong, 

Let us remember the brave eight that came 
With life in hand, one eight out of a throng 

But of a throng that more such eights had found, 
Had these been stricken down. Qoxl bless them all ! 

Such proofs of brotherhood may nut abound, 
But, when need comes, long nuy suoh proofs befall ! 

And long may England feel the trust in Heaven 
That nerved those sufferers' hearts, those savers' hands ; 

Trust that to England's millions was given, 
To prompt the thanksgiving that faith, commands. 

FOR THE Cj.BBr. WHAT ohjefltion can you possibly 
have to a dectnitr Burial Bill P 



[MAT 5, 1877. 



IL e'tait un Hebreu de Hambourg, 
Qui creva d'un mauvais calembonrg, 
Qu'il eut 1'audace extrSme 
De coramettre en carfime, 
tTn Dimanche, au milieu d'Edimbourg. 

CINQ fois yeuf, il a cinq belle-meres, 
Pont il fait les devices si cherea 
Qu'elles rivent chez Ini 
Pour charmer son ennui .... 
Sea regrets n'en sont pas moins sinceres. 

JE me suis demand^ bien souvent 
Ce que c'est qu'un " Breton Bretonnant " t 
N'en deplaUe it personne, 
Quand un Breton " bretonne," 
Par oil "bretonne "-t-il I . . . Et comment t 

CHAQUK 6poque a ses grands noms sonores ; 
Or, de tout ces dtfunta cockolores, 

Le moral FANfcLON, 

(Le Docteor), sont let plot awfuls bores t 

MAT 5, 1877.] 



'->/ V 
f l. 1 rr h-i 

*" fit. 


(Continued by Private Wire* at before.) 

XXT Day. Up all night wit n 
Pig, teaching him something 
new. M ASK KI.VN K ** i) COOKK 
would dp good business out 
here with Psycho and a 
sleigh. Many a snow- 
farmer in these regions 
would be glad of Psycho for 
an evening's amusement, 
and would pay high for the 
entertainment. Piggy nearly 
as good as Psycho, only not 
so dependable. The advant- 
age of my Pig over Psycho 
is that no machinery it 
required. This is a hint to 
won't say another word if 
Need I add a condition to 
men of such business-like 
habits as MESSRS. M. ASD C. 
If I know the secret of 
Psycho, what am I worth f 
I am sure that my friends, 
M. ANII C., at a distance, 
will,[after this intimation, 
at once add their honoured 
and valuable names to the 
list of subscribers by whose 
assistance I am to be kept 
out here. When I return, 
I shall, with my Pig, my 
Horse, my merry Tartar 

Boy, my Mechanical Piano, and perhaps a Fair Circassian or two (some- 
thing like the lady with long hair on'Mns. ALLEN'S wall advertisement- 
only much more so), have such a Show for the Egyptian Hall as will 
astonish all London. My Entertainment will be announced as " My Ride 
to Khiva, illustrated with a Pig ! a Piano ! ! a Panorama 11!" Note. 
Crossed a river to-day. The Oxus, I believe. 

Same Afternoon. the Donkey is an ass. He won't stir a step. For- 
tunately, my horse has thrown the Vodki-man who returned him to-day 
with a note, saying that, as he couldn't ride, and as he should probably be 
sued by me for eighteenpenoe an hour (as he infallibly wouloT have been 
for my own sake, and that of my friend the Livery-stable keeper in town), 
he thought he had better return him with thankski (i.e. Tartar expression 
of gratitude). The horse will be of the greatest use to me. Note. Crossed 
another river, or the same. The Oxus, I fancy. 

Same Night. I am in luck! A discovery! I had just finished practising 
the Pig at ecartt (he won four games out of five to-night, so I shall begin to 
teach him something else, because my sleigh-driver and his boy always back 

the Pig now, and I lost more than a rouble and a half odd !), when, accidentally, I whistled the favourite movement from the Overture 
to the Cheval de Bronze. In a second, my steed had broken from its moorings, and was cantering round and round in exact time to the 
tune. Struck with the coincidence, I put on the steam, and went presto so did the animal, prestissimo so did the animal ; while the 
Pig sat up on his tail, which doubled under him, and grinned from ear to ear (just as you 'ye seen the mouth of the boar's head at 
Christmas time with an apple, or a lemon, in it), and the Sleigh-driver and Boy applauded violently. Prestittimo-itsimo "again he 
urges on his wild career ; " and as I repeated this most happily applicable line to myself, a thought a happy thought if I may be 
permitted to use the expression struck me. " Am I not in the very region of the Scenes of the Circle P Am I not in t" 
Mazeppa f ' Then the idea formulated itself into poetry, and, like an inspired Votes of old, I exclaimed 

" "TU the pot for bold Mauppa, 
There the Steppes, and here the Stepper ! " 

And then I stopped ; inspiration had reached its limits, and why should I force inspiration by suggesting to inspiration that the next 
line ought to end with " Pepper," and that " Leper " wouldn't be a bad termination for line four f Ah ! if poets only knew when to 

the country of 

well ? Why bring up the muddy water ? Why not, 
sung Inspiration I what crimes have not 

halt, how many halting lines should we be annually spared ! Why pump at a dry well 

in fact, leave the Pierian well alone P "0 Inspiration ! " as the Poet has feelingly 

been committed in thy name ! ' But to go into the subject of what crimes have not been committed, would he to wander away 

from my present fixed intention, which is to write a Diary of my Ride to Khiva, and not a disquisition on Inspiration, the Divine 

Afflatus, and burning the bellows. 

Next Day. Crossed the Oxus again. Slept well. Up early. Horse out. Whistled Overture, and then tried fresh music on 
Mechanical Piano, while the Pig turned the handle. Another of his increasingly numerous accomplishments. Horse up to a great 
deal more than was ever suspected in the philosophy of my noble friend the Livery-Stable Keeper, or I shouldn't have got him for 
one-and-sixpence an hour. I find that he (the Horse) has been accustomed to sup with the Clown ; that he can fire off a pistol ; 
that he can dance a waltz, a polka, and march in quick or slow time. I aimed at him with my umbrella (or somebody's which 
came with me from England), and he fell down, pretending (with much spontaneous humour) to be dead. We try to lift him. " No 
good pulling at a dead horse," I exclaimed (this will be part of my dialogue for my Entertainment registered already), and then, after 
asking him to get up to see his mother, then to have his dinner, and other facetious suggestions, I cried out, " Here 's a Policeman 
coming ! " whereupon he jumped up on to his all-fours, pulled himself together, the Pig turned the handle of the Mechanical Piano, 
which at once struck up the Sronze Hone, prestissimo et fortissimo, and away went the gallant steed round and round, with me clicking 
the whiD,_and singing a Hi ! hi ! Hoopla ! tchk ! " while the Sleigh-driver and the Boy applauded to the echo. 

Midday. Pig sulky, in consequence of Horse's success. 
entrepreneur commence. I wish we could get to Khiva. 

We hope soon to be able to ay something definite about this 
We have our doubt but who hasn't ? ED. 

, _,.. Fortune is before us. 

What jealousy there always is among artistes ! Now the difficulties of an 
Note. River again. Crossed the Oxus for the fourth time. How it 
Private Wire;" the question being, is he a soldier or a telegraphic communicator? 



[MAY 5, 1877. 

meanders. Good name for a Tartar love-story, 
Hero and Maandei of course all about me-and- 

2'30. Met a sign-post going the other way. 
We 've taken the wrong road again. Getting 
nearer China ; most provoking. Where are we 
now? The Pig, as a native, ought to know. 
* * * * Have just put the letters of the Alphabet 
before Pig, hoping he would spell out the name of 
the locality, and give us further information 
about our road to Khiva. Pig either obstinate, 
stupid, or still in a sulky jealous pet about Horse. 
All he would do was, first to spell out" S-H-E 
L-0-Y-E-S Y-O-U," and then to grunt at the 
Sleigh-driver, as if under the impression that he 
was going through the ordinary performance, and 
answering my question, " Who is the handsomest 
man here ? "when he ought, by right, to select a 
visitor. Pi? no use. Sleigh-driver doesn't know 
country. He says, "0 overfed and much-caressed 
Son of distinguished Parents," this means me 
" there is a shebeenski nigh at hand, kept by a 
brother of mine. Let us go thither, and inquire 
our way." Refused. 

Saturday, Crossed the Oxus. This [is the fifth 
time in three days that we 've crossed the Oxus. 
Either the river winds (I don't mean breezes, but 
winds with a long poetic " i ") considerably, or we 
are travelling in a circle. Perhaps we are ; if so, 
it 's the fault of the Circus Horse, who, having 
been' accustomed to going round and round, can't 
go straight. Met a Kirghiz-man. A Kirghiz-man 
is a sort of travelling, butcher, who sells kirghizzes 
(i.e. Tartaric for carcases). Meat is cheap out here, 
and, if exported by a Company, might run the 
American market in London hard. Asked the 
Kirghiz - man in to dinner, and begged him to 
bring his own food with him. He did so. Excel- 
lent dinner. Treated him to hot wickski and 
water, strong. It brought tears into his eyes. 
We were all much affected. More hot wickski, 
with less water. More tears. Gave a thimbleful 
to the Pig. When the Kirghiz-man saw the Pig 
seated at our humble board, he could stand it no 
longer, but raising his glass in the air, cried, 
" Onld Oireland for iver ! " and tossed it off at a 
gulp. After this we entered freely into conversa- 
tion. He informed me that he had been brought 
up as an Irishman, but had not seen his country 
for many years. More wickski. More tears. He 
sang a sporting song, composed by himself, 

" Tia on the Oxus 
We hunt the foxus." 

But I forget the rest, except that it had a chorus 
that sounded like "Shandygaff mavourneen!" 
and was, I think, in praise of that excellent 
compound. About 10 P.M. we sat down to a hand 
at whist. The party consisted of the Pig (as 
Dummy and my partner), the Sleigh-man (who 
doesn't know the game .well) and the CHEVALIER 
O'LEEET (as he likes to be called in private life) 
being partners. Pig and self played all we knew. 
Halt'-a-rouble points, and two roubles on the rub. 
Self and Partner won first rub ; also second ; also 
third. More wickski. Chevalier proposed fresh 
arrangement of partners. Acceded to his request. 
As we were changing our seats, the Chevalier 
swore he heard the Pig whispering to me in 
passing. I denied it, and asserted the impossi- 
bility of such an occurrence. The Chevalier asked 
me if I 'd never heard of a " Pig's Whisper." I 
replied, "Never! Is it a songi"' (N.B. If it 
isn't, good idea for a song, " The Pig's Whisper " 
with accompaniment for the piggolo.) Chevalier 
very angry. More wickski. Sleigh-driver and 
self won next rub. Chevalier violent. Row. We 
threatened to expose him to the Russian autho- 
rities, at the next Polisstashunski, as an Irish spy, 
if he didn't pay up all he owed. The Chevalier, 
overcome by the force of our arguments (the 
Sleigh-driver is just six feet, and powerful in 
proportion), handed over the coin. We parted 
at least he "parted" and we rode on quickly in 
the direction of Khiva. KB. Crossed the Oxus 
for the sixth time. 

Sunday. Halt of the Caravan. Passed the morning in reading the Pig and the 
Sleigh-driver a series of touching discourses : first, on the sin of cheating at cards ; 
secondly, on the danger of being found out ; thirdly, on fidelity to employers ; 
fourthly, on gratitude to benefactors. After lunchski, taught the Pig some Sunday 
games with the Alphabet, teaching him the answers to such questions as " Where was 
MOSES when the candle went out ? " " Who took in the first sporting paper ? " and 
other queries from the Catechism. I fear that the Sleigh-man has no fixed principles. 
He likes hearing* a bell ring, and has a Sunday hat, but they don't convey to his mind 
any distinct notion of: what time of day it is. He has never heard of either a Pew- 
opener or a Beadle. Could you not send out some portraits of celebrated Pew-openers 

" Beadles F And get up a subscription for my Sleigh-driver's conversion. He 'd 

Couldn't read the letters. 

and '. 

like it, and so should I. 

Sunday over. On to Khiva. Met a Post with letters. 
I think we are on the right road now. 

Monday, 11 A.M. Crossed the Oxus for the seventh time. That's the worst of a 
Circus Horse. A.ndasthe Donkey wouldn't go, we were compelled to leave him behind. 
If I could only find my compass, I might keep the horse straight. Snow thick. My 
new Frigimometer (especially invented for this climate, and patented, of course) marks 

the temperature at '000075 below Double /oro. This is cold ! Somebody coming. 

**** * 

Nothing is more important for the Public at home, whether intomlin? individually, 
or collectively, to ride to Khiva, than to understand the country. In case of our being 
drawn into a war, let me give this hint to the Government: The. Frontier is belter for 
seeing than the back-tier. It in easily defended, and withnnt, any expense to speak 
of. Send me out a few good Policemen of the A Division who know their business, 
I '11 go out as a Special, and undertake to clear the place of any Russians. India is safe 
for the present, but Khiva ought to be our Bow Street, and myself the Sitting Magistrate. 

From riding so much and, mind, a donkey is quite another sort of animal to a 
horse (let me tell the Public, who rightly admire CAPTAIN BC/HNAEY, that it isn't every 
cross-country man who has a good seat on a donkey) I have an excellent seat ; and, 
therefore, as the Easterns know this, they would receive me as a Sitting Magistrate 
where they would look with contempt on an unknown individual, however great his 
other qualifications might be. Here, riding on a donkey is a compliment to the 
Natives. Here follows my map, which, if rough, is at least drawn by an honest 
hand, and will prove invaluable : . 

<^.,V' J 

? ^ 

JV A&iUuAy^ | / 

. . . - : :;Vi: _..- T 7 '--.. 

First turnpike. 2. Sign-post names on it almost illegible. 3. Snow country. Capital 
opportunity for a ballet. 4. Cross roads a real puzzler. 5. Winter Palace of the Great 
Mogul. 6. Short cut to Khiva not mentioned in the ordinary guide-books. 7. Fields, 
where " Trespassers will be Prosecuted." 8. Circussia, where the trained steeds for Circusses 
are. 9,10. Good road; well adapted for troops. 11. Very fair Temperance Hotel. Recom- 
mended by the Faculty. 12. Mountainous Passes. (Passes only admit two to Upper 
Circles^ Ravines. (ffa-viNES where GRAPE-sAo might he useful. Jen de mot, registered.') 
13. Snow-covered deceptive volcano. (Mentioned by the Latin Poet, "Anna virumyue 
rol-eano.") 14. Frozen Lake. Good effect with a lime-light. Excellent place for a Skating 
Club. Easily crossed by Troops, if supplied with my now (patented) rink ekates. 
a, b, e, d, e,f. Boarding-houses on the borders. Most important strategical position. Groat 
chance for a big Hotel and a Theatre. Put Police at the doors, and don't allow any Russian 
to come in without an Order. No one admitted after 7'30 P.M. No fees. 15. My shortest, 
quickest, and cheapest way back to London, vid Monaco and Paris. 

QUESTION BY SIR HENKT HAWKINS. " Am I not a Judge and a Brother ?" 

MAY 1-2, 1877.] 




Boy. " i8, I BE ; 'oos I FB.KDS MYSKLF, AND YOU TKACHKB MB ! " 

/A /.EL. 
(IVtth MK. PUNCH'S Compliiiuntt.) 

POLICEMEN ! I have lost my heart 

Here in the Westminster Aquarium, 
Since first I saw her rapid dart 

Amiss the diapcr'd Velarium. 
A form, that PHIDIAS might conftss 

As gracef ul as a young gazelle, 
With raven hair, and ruby dress, 

And winsome eyes, make up ZAZKL ! 

Now, far above me, pretty dear, 

She treads the air with daring feet ; 
Now wires all along " No fear ! " 

A message wond'ring crowds repeat. 
Now diving from the high trapeze 

(Not LioiABD osait comme etlc), 
Two fairy wings one's fancy seen 

Sprout from the shoulders of ZAZEI. ! 

Like swallow swiftly starting South, 

She safely skiiuuied the air, and yet 
'Twas then my heart into my mouth 

Would jump, as she did in the net. 
But see, she rises like a partridge 

And now becomes a true live shell, 
Or shall we ay, a living cartridge ? 

I wish you were my charge, ZAZKL ! 

Discharge you ! Blow you up ! Not I 

I could not do it, if I tried. 
But let me off : you '11 see me fly, 

To fall in your net at your side ! 
A poet's loftiest flights come short 

Of praising your High Art, ma belle, 
Your aim 's as good as your report : 

You 're hit the gold and me, ZAZEL ! 

TBA.P Aim CATCH Nor. Medical and other oorrespon- 
dents of newspapers touching sanitary matters, have 
taken to describe defective drains and sewers in com- 
munication with dwelling-houses as "fever traps." But 
is not a fever trap, properly so called, rather the person 
who catches the fever '' He catches it, generally, mark 
you, not in, nor by, but for want of a trap. 


MOUDA Y. Read the London papers. Drilled my men at the 
Armstrong gun. Went to lunch whilst they were praying to the 
Prophet, and spent the rest of the day in writing a long letter (upon 
" Turkish Wrongs "), intended for insertion in the Times. 

Tuesday. Put on mv Pasha's dress, and ordered some " Bass " to 
be sent on board immediately. Communicated with the Admiralty, 
Whitehall. Granted permission to my First Lieutenant to visit his 
harem, and employed the rest of my time in composing a letter 
(upon " Russian Atrocities "), intended for insertion in the Times. 

Wednesday. Wore my Admiral's uniform. Hoisted the Turkish 
flag at the mizen, and returned shots with forty Russian forts. In 
the intervals of the actions thought out a letter (upon "The 
Honour of Turkey "), intended for insertion in the Times. 

Thursday. Read the Life of Nelson. Took breakfast whilst my 
crew were at their devotions, and then blazed away at the Russians 
until all was blue. After dark, wrote by the light of the exploding 
shells a letter (upon " The Disgrace of Russia "), intended for inser- 
tion in the Times. 

Friday. Fired a salute in honour of the SPLTAK, pnt on a new 
fez and a pair of English shooting-boots. Smoked a few cigarettes 
through my favourite hookah. In the evening gave chase to the 
Russian Fleet, and jotted down a few notes (upon " Turkish Pros- 
perity and Industry, with Lives of the Turkish Saints"), intended 
for insertion in the Times. 

Saturday. Put on ray shooting-jacket and Scotch cap ; sang 
" Rule Britannia " and a Turkish song of my own composition ; 
read Punch, and blew the Russian fleet to atoms. Made a speech 
to mv gallant crew about " shivering timbers " and " behaving like 
true British Tars," and substituted grog for sherbet. In the evening 
wrote a long letter (upon "The Turco-Russian War and the neutrality 
of English Naval Officers"), intended for insertion in the Times. 
Went to bed, and dreamed that although by some means or other 
my head was Turkish, my heart still remained English. As I woke 
up I had just lost ray way in trying to find Westminster Abbey in 
Constantinople. Wrote an account of my nightmare, not intended 
for insertion in the Times. 


To the names of 'men illustrious for their attainments in medical 
science, and connected with Edinburgh, will probably soon be added 
the name of Auld Reekie's present representative, MR. M'I.AKK.V. 
In his place, on his legs, advocating the Cruelty to Animals Bill, 
the Hon. Gentleman is reported to have augmented Collective 
Wisdom by the information that 

"It was said that if Vivisection were stopped, scientific growth would be 
stopped ; but the fact was that nothing remained to be discovered by Vivisec- 
tion ; everything had been discovered long ago, and experiment* were now 
made upon living animals, not for the purpose of discovery, but for the purpose 
of proving to students that certain things which they had been taught were 

All this will be news to the medical profession. The most 
advanced of known Physiologists will perhaps be the most 
surprised to learn that nothing remains to be discovered by 
Vivisection, and that everything has been discovered .long ago ; 
which latter statement must also astonish some anti- Vivisectionuts 
who declare that no discovery has been ever made by Vivisection at 
all. The more that known Physiologists know of the science they 
cultivate, the more clearly they think they see how much remains 
to be known, and the extent of their own ignorance. But the Hon. 
Member for Edinburgh is at present an unknown Phy biologist ; 
though, from the declaration above-quoted touching Physiology, he 
appears to be in possession of all the knowledge it is possible to 
acquire on that subject, which he will perhaps be so good as shortly 
to impart to the world in a volume which must shelve all the works 

Horticulture of Holy Russia. 

WE are told, by telegram, that the Russians are planting torpe- 
does in the Danube. This Russian gardening resembles, on a large 
scale, that practised by our forefathers when they planted fcteel- 
traps and spring-guns in their gardens. It is making the Danube a 
bear-garden, which the bears insist on keeping all to themselves. 



[MAT 12, 1877. 


HOUGH scotched not killed, sound sense and 
Christian toleration again found a voice in 
LORD GRANVLLLE (Lords, Monday, April 30), 
who gave notice of an Amendment of the Burials 
Bill, embodying the defeated Resolution of last 
week. He pointed out that the Committee on 
the Bill had been fixed for Ascension Day, 
when their Lordships usually rise, and do not 
sit, and wanted to know if this was a piece of 
fun, meant to relieve the grave character of 
the subject. 

LORD CARNARVON said it was a mistake, not 
a joke their Lordships were incapable of a 

(Commons.) MR. GLADSTONE, three months 
too late, flung down his glove, challenging the 
Government to Parliamentary combat d out- 
rance on the Eastern Question. When trial 
by battle has begun, the time for trial by 
talk has past. The rival champions stand face 
to face in other than division lists. 

SIR JOHN LUBBOCK will move the Previous 
Question. It is something to know there is a 
previous question. At times, dazed with talk 
of the one topic, Punch begins to think there 
never was a question before the Eastern one. 
and is never going to be another. The Liberal 
Party, it is said, as far as there is a Liberal 
Party (it seems just now to be party per pale 
of humanity), will go with SIR JOHN. He is 
an experimentalist on bees, but does not wish 
at present to disturb the hornets' nest that 
lurks in "W. E. G.'s Resolutions. Evidently a 
good many on the Liberal side think with 
him. Whatever Punch may think of W.E.G.'s 
tactics, he cannot but admire the pluck of the 
House's Hal o' the Wynd, who " fights for his 
own hand," and his own conscience. But he 
repeats, if this battle was to have been fought 
in' the House, as it ought to have been, it 
should have been fought in the first 'week of 
the Session. In so far as England is chargeable 
with responsibility in respect of this war, Her 
Majesty's Opposition has a right to share it 
with Her Majesty's Government. "Inter arma 
sili-nt lingua " as well as " leges." 

MR. BOUHKE gave such information as he 
oould on the state of the Danube and Black 
Sea regulations touching blockade and neutral 
rights. The Turkish lights are put out in the 
Straits. The Turks have an unfortunate way 
in all their straits of putting their lights out, 
and sailing at random, in the dark, under a 
full-head of steam, right on to the No-money 
Shoals, the Too-late Reefs, and the Corrup- 
tion Sands. 

The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER for the Government gave 
notice that the usual Declaration of Neutrality would be published 
at once, like a declaration of insolvency in the Gazette. 

Tuesday (Lords). The DUKE OF SOMERSET wants to know why 
the Cattle Plague Inquiry cannot be taken in the Lords, as their 
Lordships have too little to do, while there is a block of business in 
the Commons. The Duke was long enough in the House of Commons 
to have known that the business of that house is conducted like the 
Metropolitan Railway traffic on the block system. So all is as it 
ought to be. 

THE DUKE OF RICHMOND AND GORDON rapped his brother Duke 
over the knuckles for his restless activity. " Surtout, point de zele " 
should be the motto of that Upper House 

Where they lie beside their Woolsack, and the Bills are hurled 
Far below thi-m in the Commons and their thumbs are twirled, 
As an Upper Home's should be, that does no work in the world. 

LORD DERBY informed LORD GRANVILLE that the answer to 
PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF'S Circular had been drawn up and approved 
by the QUEEN, and would be laid on the table as soon as it had been 
received by the Russian Government. 

Punch hears that F. 0. is mighty proud of its riposte, flatters 
itself that it is a " stunner ; ' " the ablest State-paper-Thunderbolt 
that, has been, launched for years." Ah, if Paper-bolts could but 
frighten diplomacy into directness, or strike dumb the brazen 
mouths of war ! 

(Commons). SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE did not think CAPTAIN 
Pin's inquiry about the strength and movements of the Russian Fleet 
in the neighbourhood of San Francisco and New York should be 
answered. It is so easy to pop off a question. But who knows 
where an answer may hit unless it be one with Parliamentary blank 
cartridge an answer that tells nothing. It is evident the Russo- 
phobists are doing their best, in and out of the House, to get up a 
scare. The British Lion declines to be poked up for the present ; 
absolutely refuses to rise on provocation even of mighty pens," till 
satisfied there is occasion. For the present, however aggravating to 
the D. T. and the P. M., he won't see that there is occasion for 
him to join in their little game of " Bait the Bear." 

MR. NEWDEGATE gave notice of a Motion to consider the ' ' conduct " 
of public business in the House of Commons. 

MR. BIGGAR proceeded to illustrate the " conduct " of Members, by 
reading in an inaudible voice an interminable string of unintelligible 
Motions, till even the mild wisdom of the SPEAKER was roused to 
wrath. But the Member for Cavan had his will for all that, and 
justified the conclusion that however big the biggest recorded 
Parliamentaryjbore, there is now a BIGGAR ! 

By the way, if MR. BIGGAR wants a motto, what does he think of 
one slightly altered from SHAKSPEARE'S Measure for Measure . 

" To lie in cold obstruction and talk rot." 

It was cool of MR. SULLIVAN, on the heels of this little scene, to 
complain that out of 118 divisions on Irish subjects, Irish opinion, 

MAT 12, 1877.] 





Polite Stranger (to Smorlt, a-s he is removing his rejected Picture from the Cellars of Burlington House). " PRAT, SIB, CAN TOU KINDLY 


as shown by Irish majorities, had been overuled in 108, and to ask 
if Her Majesty's Government meant to encourage this policy of 
obstruction ! Quit tulerit Gracchos de seditions querentet f 

ME. McARTHUB brought up the awkward question of the Ceylon 
Church Endowment in which sweet little isle of our own, we tax 
some two million and a half Buddhists and miscellaneous heathens, 
to the tune of some 14,000 a-y ear. towards the support of a Church of 
England Bishop and Clergy for the few hundred Anglicans in the 

Ceylon, it is well known, is a pre-eminently spicy island ; but 
this is a spicier state of things, we should think, for Liberationists 
wanting a good fat grievance against the Establishment, than for 
the true friends of the Church as by law established. The sooner it is 
the Church by law disestablished in Ceylon, the better. And so the 
House evidently thought when, in the teeth of MR. LOWTHER'S plea 
ad misericordiam, it divided 147 for Church and Status quo, to 121 
for things as they ought to be. 

The Irish Land Act of 1870 contained provisions to facilitate the 
purchase of their holdings by tenants. MR. SHAW-LEFBVRE says 
these clauses have been a dead letter, and proposes a Select Com- 
mittee to sit on the corpse to " wake " it, in fact, as a dacent Irish 
corpse should be, if it can be, waked ; and if not, to bury it ' ' clane out." 

MR. BUTT ingenuously confessed that Irish tenants, as a rule, 
preferred fixity of tenure to purchase of their farms. Sure, don't 
they know when they "re well off ? D' ye think they 'd be fools 
enough to be steppin' into landlords' brogues, when tinants' is such 
a dale asier walkin' ? 

MR. CROSS moved a Bill to authorise four new bishoprics to be 
carved Liverpool, out of Chester ; Halifax or Wakefield, out of 
Ripon ; Derby or Nottingham, out of Lincoln and Lichfield ; and 
Northumberland, out of Durham. Methinks Punch has a vision of 
the Church as Juliet, with her portly Episcopate for her Romeo, 
invoking CROSS to " Take him and cut him into little sees ! " What 
does MB. HOLT say to this act of Vivisection on an alarming scale, 
this cutting little Bishops out of big ones ? What pious pilgrims 
will walk the new 1'ia Crude f They will only have to provide 
3,500 per Bishop 3,500 and a palace dirt-cheap ! Now s your 

time, my pious founders of the period ! Step forward ! step for- 

MR. WHAILET, who had a Motion in favour of hearing DE MORGAN 
at the bar of the House, missed his tip through not being in his 
place for once. He just arrived in time to be too late, to the great 
relief of the House. 

A tremendous Irish row over the appointment of the Select Com- 
mittee on Cattle Plague and the importation of live stock. It was 
proposed to add three Irish Members MR. FRENCH, MR. MOORE, and 
MR. KING-HARMAN. The Home-Rulers wanted BIGGAR, and the 
House decidedly objecting, the Major "tuk the flure," and the 
ruction was kept up till two in the morning, the Scotch and 
Welsh Members joining in at last, till the discussion wound up with 
a general trailing of coats and a nourishing of shillelaghs. In fact, 
it strikes Punch as very like what may be expected as the realisation 
of Irish ideas, if ever there is a Home-Rule Parliament to the fore. 

Wednetday, MR. HOLT moved his Bill for Absolute Prohibition 
of Vivisection. The House whose common sense recognises the 
need of Vivisection, as well as the need of regulating it showed 
its appreciation of the falsehood of extremes by rejecting the Bill 
by 222 to 83. 

MR. OSBORITB MORGAN buried hi* Burials Bill, with the intention 
however, of a resurrection of its principle the right of Noncon- 
formists to bury their dead in the parish churchyard by their own 
Ministers, and with their own services in the DUKE OF RICHMOND'S 

Thurtday.l&v.. O'CLERT gave notice of a tu quoque Amendment 
on the Gladstone Resolutions, telling Russia she 's another ; and 
LORD BLCHO of an Amendment condemning coercion of the Turk, and 
suggesting war on the Russian. The one silly, the other suicidal. 

The Government means to protect the Suez Canal I believe you, 
my boy ! but in answer to anxious inquiries from Sunderland, de- 
clines to ask the belligerents for fuller definition of contraband of war 
lest that elastic word should be made not only to "carry coalx," 
like Gregory in Romeu and Juliet, but no one knows what articles 
besides. In fact what may not be plausibly construed contraband 
of war now-a-days, from cotton-twist to saw-du>t ': 



[MAY 12, 1877. 

In Committee, the Universities Bill improved by adoption of LORD E. FITZJIAURICE'S Amendment, 
empowering the University to pay for work done by its officers beyond its pale, as in the Local Examina- 
tions now extending fast and far. Determined, but unavailing, attempts to extend the scope of the Bill 
by MR. LOWE, who wants Afmu Muter to fix the Standard of Matriculation, instead of more indulgent 
Alma Domus ; by SIR CHVIU.ES DILKE, who wishes to alter the Constitutions of Congregation and Convo- 
cation ; and by MR. COURTNEY, who, chivalrous as a COURTNEY should be, seeks to open the door of 
Honours to the Ladies. "The sweet Girl-Graduates with their golden hair" must, for the present, 
remain a dream of the Poet's and Undergraduates' better world! 

Friday (Lords). More assurances from LOKD DERBY that we mean to keep our eyes, and the Suez 
Canal, open, by use, at need, of more effectual means of neutralisation than treaties now-a- days Iron- 

(Commons.) On the Gladstonian Resolutions, all other previous questions are to be absorbed in SIR JOHN 
LTJBBOCK'S. Government does not mean to move a vote of confidence. As they have no need to demonstrate 
the compact union of their forces and the strength of Her Majesty's Government's majority, they will give 
themselves the pleasure of showing up the disunion and weakness of Her Majesty's Opposition, by leaving 
their opponents to light it out among themselves over the Gladstonian Resolutions. Small merit to them 
for not taking "a direct issue." As if there were "a direct issue" out of the impasse Government, 
Opposition, and Public Opinion have all got into on this Eastern Question ! But the country, Punch is 
glad to see, is waking to the importance at this crisis of showing that it is with MR. GLADSTONE, not 
with LORD BEACONSFIELD, as the Daily Telegraph and Pall Mall Gazette do vainly assert. 

The House sat as the Great Court of Appeal and Inquiry in small matters as great ones, on a long and 
heated investigation of the cutting of two dogs' throats by a hasty Ulster Magistrate, and the deportation 
from Jersey of a troublesome French newspaper editor and ex-Commnnist. MR. CROSS hinted that he 
would be very glad of any handle for a reduclio ad rationale of the absurd old Norman laws of that 
obstinate little Channel Island. 



t V 

v .. 

J fc 

HK gi e vt and thoroughly-deserved success that attended MR. HENRY BLACK- 
BtTRN's most useful Academy Notes, illustrated with sketches of the 
principal "pictures in the exhibition, decided me, being of an original 
turn of mind, on publishing, weekly, during the present season, a Handy 
Guide to the Academy, of which stupendous mental effort this is the first 
outcome. Visitors to the Academy scarcely need reminding that a better 
artistic cicerone cannot be obtained, than one who has qualified himself for 
the special service by the degree of B.A., Bachelor of Arts for I am not yet M.A., or Married Artist 
(that is, tied and bound to one particular Art), though I own to being deeply attached to a young lady 
with uncertain-coloured hair, short waist, long skirt, pale-grey eyes, a washed-out complexion, mulberry- 
tingd lips, and an arch expression about the bridge of the nose, who is the guardian angel of a second- 
hand furniture shop, not a hundred miles from Vinegar Yard, Drury Lane. The entire figure of this 
pre-Raphaelitish, or pre-Israelitish damsel, might serve as a model for a BOFGHTON in colour, while the 
graceful curve of her nose suggests a HOOK. BECKY MOTHKTH, how I love thee ! For me I know thou. 
wouldst quit thy tribe and onions, and leave even thy old grandfather, who hag lost all his front teeth, and 
can no longer play upon the national instrument but I am not here to write sonnets to " Lady Mine," 
having undertaken this as a matter of business, and "bisbnessh ish bisnessh!" as site would say, 
blessh her ! A lew more words by way of preface, and I have done. 

First, then, although, through the courtesy of the Academical Authorities, I have been enabled to 
avail myself of the " Private View " of the pictures, yet I do not wish to force my private view on the 
general public. 

Secondly, I have to tender 
my thanks for the facilities 
which were not afforded me by 
the distinguished Artists of 
seeing their works while still 
on the easel. I did see them, 
but how. no one will be more 
surprised to learn than the 
distinguished Artists them- 
selves. Nothing but the in- 
domitable pluck and untiring 
energy of myself and the 
young man who accompanied 
me as etcher, could have 
triumphed over the apparently 
insuperable obstacles. 

Studio after studio I visited, 
only to be met with the chil- 
ling reply, " Not at home," or 
"Master 's out," or " Master 's 
in, but he won't see you," 
while on several occasions I 
was left outside on the door- 
step, and if admitted to the 
front hall, was watched by 
one sharp servant- girl who 
kept her eye on the coats, 
hats, and umbrellas, while 
the other took my card to her 
master. I partly attributed 
this conduct to the peculiar 
taste in dress displayed by 
my friend and etcher, who, 
being of a sporting turn, 
would come dressed in a white 
hat with a black band and a 
narrow brim, a bottle-green 
cut-away coat with brass 
buttons, a bird's-eye yellow 
tie with a horse-shoe pin, buff 
waistcoat, tight cords, straps, 
spurs, no 'gloves, and a wisp 
of straw in his mouth. The 
etching-book he carried looked 
like a " six-to-four bar one " 
kind of betting -book, and 
when I remonstrated with 
him on his personal appear- 
ance, he went away, and I 
didn't see him for a fortnight. 
I have, by my own careful 
observation been able to 
supply him with the materials 
for his sketches. 

It will interest the public to 
be told how I contrived this, 
seeing that on no single occa- 
sion was I admitted to an 
Artist's sanctum, except once 
and that was when the 
talented individual was going 
to give a dinner-party, and 
his maid showed me into the 
studio under the impression 
that I was the Greengrocer's 
young man come to make 
arrangements for waiting at 
table in the evening. The 
great Artist in question likes 
things done well, and he 
wanted to have a look at the 
person who was to appear that 
evening as the Butler, just to 
see if I was the sort of model 
he required for the imperso- 
nation. Our interview was 
short, but decisive. I left 
but I had seen his picture. 
And this gave me my grand 
idea. I determined to visit 
all the studios, or as many as 
I could, professionally as a< 
model. I did so, in various 
disguises. And in this way I 
have availed myself of my 
opportunities. The public will 

MAY 12, 1877.] 



M c mi', wholly and in parts, reproduced and idealised on canvas. I have 
been a cavalier, a brigand, the head and shoulders of a warrior in 
bed, a beggar, a Venetian nobleman (kit-cat si/e), a satyr at play, 
a fisherman on the Welsh coast, an athlete (back view), a miser, an 
old pensioner, a monk. "The Philosopher a Study" (head only); 
I am behind a tree in No. 22 ; my friends will recognise me at nnSe 
in Mit. PKTTII'- "//,//, W Iimrn" (No. 28); while MR. Gotrg 
" Tumult in the Ifmiae of CIIIIIIIIUH.I" would be .literally nothing 
without me. There I am. in the right-hand eorner, fresh as paint. 
No. 58 is a study <>t me fr <n- i </> only ; and in MR. Loxo's great 
work (No. M anybody acquainted with my features will at once 
detect me, in spite of my Egyptian costume. I am, in fact, repro- 
duced over and over again ; and in more than one instance friends 
at a distant- will recognise my legs as completing the full-lent'! h 
" Portrait of u Uentlrman " (a testimonial picture, price 1000), 
when the weak, ill-conditioned supports of the original shrunk from 
the public ; 

This, then, is how I did it and, as may be inferred, " alone I did 
it" after being deserted by my faithless friend and etcher, who 
had, I have no doubt, his own designs, which will now appear as 
fitti/emu- to music, that is, as pictures accompanied by notes. Now 
Just a-goin' to begin 1 Umbrellas and sticks left in the hall. 
Walk up, pay your money at the turnstile, don't speak to the man 
at the wheel, and follow your leader ! 

First. Before going in for slashing, we must draw our hangers. 
Our five sharp hangers are, MKSSHS. A. ELMOBK, J. C. HOOK, G. D. 
. E. J. POYNTER, and SIH JOHN OILBEBT. Their separate 
functions, it may interest the Public to know, are indicated by their 
names, which guided the choice of the Academy Council. SIB JOHN 
GII.HF.RT well, hii name alone is good enough for anything, and has 
only to be mentioned to be received with acclamation. He will 
excuse us if we treat him as he has so often and so admirably 
treated others, that is "cavalierly," and, oddsflah, leave the doughty 
knight, and so pass on. 

MR. POINTER'S office is evidently that of Indicator, to the Hangers, 
of what pictures should be placed. 

MR. G. D. LESLIE represents fair play for where there is the 
more truth and honesty, there must be the legs-lie. 

MR. A. ELMOHE is the champion of space. He would give each 
Artist plentv of room. Give him an inch, and he asks for an ellmore. 

MR. J. C. HOOK cela va sans dire there can be no hanging with- 
ont a Hook. 

There are in the' Academy several Artists who richly deserve 
hanging, while among " the Great Unhung " there are many who 
have narrowly escaped the fate which their works had justly 
merited. Most of the unhung ones are considerably disappointed, 
or rather, disap-poynter'd. 

Now for my picked men of pictures. 

.T.E.Mn.LAis,R.A. (No. 52.) 
" The Beefeater ; " or, the 
fatal consequences of eating 
underdone and overpaid -for 
licff. Observe his colour. He 
is thinking of the comparative 
prices in the American and 
English market. He wears 
the prize oxen medals of past 
Cattle - Shows. The subtle 
design of the Artist, it is said, 
is to represent the type of a 
well-rea man. Observe the 
face, the coat, the hat, the 
roses, the gold lace Serriens 
ad regem, not ad legem. He '11 
soon be extinct, like his legal 
brother, of the Queen's Black- 
guardsthe Serjeant of the 
Law ! Why not put an ex- 
tinct Serjeant of the Law, in 
his rich black silk, beside